Gay Voyeur Blog

Do you have job experience in dick management? Perhaps you've ascended the ranks to be VP of Advanced Dick Management Logistics at a Fortune 500 company. Or maybe you're toiling as a Dick Management Assistant at pawnshop. Either way, you know the importance of dick management skills.

Normally I'm against the whole manspreading thing. The guy on the subway with his legs spread, forcing the people next to him to accommodate his muscular ego. So I'm hoping he just spread like this long enough for the photo to be taken and then the person on each side gave him what for.

"Drop and give me 20!" is what I want to hear these guys say to me. 20 strokes. 20 deep throats. 20 assfuckings. 20 of something dammit. It's a bit tricky because they don't even know anyone's looking and wanting. Or do they?

Cameras are everywhere. And there are always hot guys at least somewhere. Now I am always a math genius so I know that everywhere times somewhere equals an unending supply of beautifully random hot guyness. And for this we must all be thankful.

So when you're doing your gratefulness diary (like Oprah demanded everyone start doing several years ago, so step to it!), remember that random hot guys should always be numbers one to five on your list of five things to be grateful for each day.

Arrest these men for Class A Felony of Public Hunkiness. And warn them that even the commission of Private Hunkiness is a misdemeanor (ironically because hunkiness technically should be shared).

The reason why it is a felony in public though is because of all the societal problems it creates. It's distracting to drivers and even pedestrians or just people standing around or working somewhere. Like if the guy in the white shorts who apparently possesses the elusive Bubble Butt Gene would kill someone in the wrong situation.

Do you know what a porn equivalency is? Einstein discovered the equation for it early last century. I think it was e equals mc hammer. Or squared or cubed or diced or something. Physics is confusing.

I'll clarify the concept layman's terms, since not everyone can understand genius equations like me (a certified genius because I sent away for a genius certification with a form I found in the back of a comic book).

Someone is sure taking Arby's "We Have The Meats™" slogan very seriously. Sure they have a metric ton of sandwiches, everything from brisket and ham to chicken and bacon to swordfish and buffalo. Okay, not the swordfish and buffalo. But they do have a Snack 'n Save® menu, perfect for the carnivore on a budget. Still, until that moment some enterprising horndog put dick on the Arby's menu, I wasn't interested.

Eye contact is everything. As in eye to bulge. Eye to ass. Eye to feet. Eye to muscles. Eye to man. Sure, it's tough to flirt when what you're looking at can't return your gaze. So that's why you need to gussy up on your gay psychic abilities.

All those protein powders have to end up somewhere. And that somewhere is right inside these dumb jocks. I have no proof these guys are dumb. I just hope they are because then they'll fall for stupid as fuck opening lines such as: "If I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?" Or the classic "If I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you fuck me in the mouth?"

There's hungry for love. Hungry for attention. Hungry for a sandwich. Then the best kind of hungry. Cock hungry. And warning: hoards of hot guys guys are roaming the planet with the singular goal of making you cock hungry. And they're winning.

I'm guessing for most of us "look but don't touch" is way better than "touch but don't look" right? Because you might end up touching an actual kielbasa, fire hose, rosebud or set of family jewels. And except for the jewels, touching all those things would be a confusing disappointment when in their literal (non-sexual metaphor) forms.

We're already about a quarter of the way into 2015 and there's a very important question you have to ask yourself. Have you seen a quarter of the cock/bulge/ass you'll see all year? Or do you have some catching up to do? I mean you should establish a cock quota for yourself and get to peeping!

Among all the voyeuristic joys available in locker rooms, jock ass is in the top two. If you count each cheek as a number, then ass is number two and three. So what else is on the list?

Number one is dick. Or technically number one is the phone number of the guy with the dick you want, but that requires conversation, not pure voyeurism. Then we have ass and ass. Followed by chest, feet, foreskin, jockstraps, pissing, sucking, ejaculation and now I've lost track because the locker room has devolved into a fucking orgy. Or at least the hope of that is what goes through my mind whenever I'm in a locker room.

It's a Guy Watching first. Check out the guy getting head in the parking garage. He's taking a POV shot of the cocksucker while both of them are getting their photo snapped by a peeper. It's like that Spy vs. Spy comic (minus the black and white pointy hats).

It's time for a masturbation party, y'all! So break out the Cool Ranch Doritos® and Cool Ranch Lube™, hop on over to Chaturbate and pop one out.