Damien was gone by the time Jimmy and I left the studio. I had almost finished editing the songs we’d recorded, and some of them actually sounded a lot better. I decided there was no point in working on new demos anymore, my stay in New York was drawing to a close. It was after six, and since we’d been inside the studio for the past four hours, we went to grab something to eat.
“So, whatcha doing tonight?” he asked as we waited for our order.
“Dunno. I think I’m just gonna head back. What about you?”
“Yeah, same here. I’m fried. Although… there’s this going-away slash baby shower Lisa wants me to go to. But I don’t give a damn! They’re her old college friends. Mind if I use you as an excuse to bail?” he smirked.
I smiled. “Sure. I’ll cover you if she asks.” Lisa was his girlfriend, but they didn’t live together, so it was unlikely she’d come asking me anything.
“Thanks. How much longer are you staying? Think you might still be here next weekend?” he asked, clearly planning a party at his place for his birthday.
“I dunno. I kinda have to go back to Dublin - but I’m in no hurry,” I sniggered.
“Yeah, come on. It’s my 30th. Gonna be the party of the year. You don’t wanna miss it,” he said with a broad, slightly over-the-top smile.
“Yeah, I guess I’ll have to stick around for that,” I answered enthusiastically.
“Why don’t you ask Rob and Jordan to be there?” he suggested.
I hadn’t gone into details about why I was in New York by myself. We often worked together, but we weren’t close enough friends to share personal stuff.
I smiled. “Yeah, sure, I will. But I don’t think they’ll be able to make it.”
-----
When we got back to his apartment, we hung out for a couple of hours. Eventually, I changed into something comfortable and decided to spend a relaxing evening just watching TV in bed. I didn’t want to think about anything - or anyone - beyond what was on the screen. I flipped through the channels aimlessly. After a good five minutes, I settled on a random movie that was terrible, and I ended up falling asleep during a commercial break.
The next morning, I woke feeling confused and lonely. I didn’t know what I wanted anymore. Seeing Damien had reminded me how much I was missing Rob, and part of me wanted to fly back home - or do what Jimmy had suggested and ask Rob to join me here. I didn’t want to, but it seemed like I was going to be the first one to cave after all.
My morning erection was semi hard and I found myself thinking about Damien and how seeing him again had made me feel. Part of me worried he might find a way to run into me again. I didn’t trust myself around him. Rob hated him so much that, over time, I had started to feel negative toward him too… but seeing him now, I realized there was still something about Damien I liked more than I was willing to admit.
I lay on my stomach and buried my face into the pillow. I screamed as quietly as possible into it, and concentrated on not rubbing my crotch into the mattress. I felt so conflicted. My cock was fully hard now and I could have easily made myself cum, but I dared not touch it. To do so would be like cheating. I didn't want to get off while thinking about Damien. Although no matter how hard I tried not to, I couldn't stop myself from imagining what it'd be like to be with him.
I let my mind wander and imagined taking his cock inside my mouth. I wondered what he would taste like, I wondered how big his dick was. Was he cut or uncut? Would he leak a lot of precum from finally feeling my lips and tongue around his shaft, from finally getting to do this with me. How turned on would he be to watch me blow him?
Then I imagined his back pressed up against my chest. I wondered what his skin would feel like, I wondered what he would sound like if I fucked him. Would he moan quietly or loudly? Would he want it slow or fast? I imagined my hands gripping his thighs, and I wondered if they would feel smooth to the touch, or be dusted with tiny hairs. My cock was leaking beneath me. I closed my eyes tightly.
Then I caught myself thinking that he’d want to fuck me - because it was obvious he was more of a top.
Would I let him? Of course not. I wouldn’t. That would be the ultimate betrayal. Rob was the only one who had ever fucked me, and I intended to keep it that way. I was angry at him for not making an effort, but my feelings for him hadn’t faded at all. I didn’t want him or love him any less. I wasn’t even remotely less attracted to him. If anything, my feelings for him had become encapsulated, contained, almost separate from the frustration I felt because he just wouldn’t fucking listen.
I forced Damien out of my head and let thoughts of Rob take over, and suddenly love rushed through me, sharp and overwhelming.
I wanted to feel his lips against mine, I wanted to kiss him and look into his piercing green eyes while I held him tight against me, rubbed my dick against his balls and slid it between the cheeks of his muscular ass. I wanted to make out with him and caress his body and feel him caress mine and hear him groan with pleasure as he'd feel the tip of my cock pop inside him… I missed the closeness we had, I missed making love with him.
I reached for my cock began stroking myself. I quickly felt my cum building up. I gasped as my body began convulsing and I shot my load onto the sheets. Then I lay on the bed, my heart pounding a little.
After a moment, I yanked my phone off the charger on the nightstand and opened the YouTube app. I searched for our own songs and started listening to Sparks, a track from our first album. It was probably one of the saddest and most soothing songs we’d ever written, back when we were confused, lovesick teenagers, and it felt like the perfect thing to listen to now. The lyrics, written together so long ago, felt painfully relevant again.
I closed my eyes, letting the melody, the lyrics, and his voice wash over me. The combination brought a lump to my throat. I took a deep breath and swallowed.
Did I drive you away
I know what you'll say
You say, oh, sing one we know
But I promise you this
I'll always look out for you
That's what I'll do
My heart is yours
It's you that I hold on to
That's what I do
And I know I was wrong
But I won't let you down …
I listened to it a second time, and when the song ended, I choked down another dry lump in my throat. It was probably better to stop racking my brain over Rob, so I decided to leave the apartment and go out.
I showered, shaved, and had breakfast. Unfortunately, when I looked out the window, it was raining. I checked the weather app - it predicted rain for most of the day. I tried to figure out how to spend my free time in a constructive way, since I had nothing planned. Cleaning and packing crossed my mind, in case I left soon for Dublin, but being borderline obsessive-compulsive, I knew my things were already in perfect order, and packing wouldn’t take long.
Then I thought about calling Rachel, but she’d probably just talk about Rob, which would only depress me further. Instead, I decided to go to the gym. Being in New York, I’d fallen off my regime, and it was time to kick it back into high gear. Jimmy had told me about a nice private gym he sometimes went to, and I knew I wouldn’t be hassled if I went there.
However, I was there for about a half-hour when a guy that had been staring at me from the other side of the room walked over to me.
"I'm sorry," he said, "but I just wanted to say that I saw you in concert last year and I thought you were amazing."
I set the dumbbells down and stood up. “Thanks a lot. I’m glad you liked the show.”
He was over six feet tall, blond, and had a killer smile. His body was ridiculously well-developed, he was only wearing a tight tank top and gym shorts.
He extended his hand, and I shook it.
“Oh, it wasn’t just the show I liked,” he added.
Heat rose to my cheeks, and I turned my head slightly. “Oh,” I murmured.
“I’m Jake,” he said. He still hadn’t let go of my hand. I eased myself free, thinking he probably already knew my name. He was incredibly good-looking, and his gaze didn’t waver.
“Listen,” he said, his voice low, eyes locked on mine. “I live just a few blocks from here. Would you like to come over for some coffee?” He paused, then smiled, completely self-assured. “Maybe talk about your music?”
I smiled, thinking it was a good thing I didn’t like coffee. I already thought Damien was straightforward, but this guy was the kind Rob had to deal with all the time, guys who hit on him first so I rarely had to. I’d met plenty of aggressive types before, but this one… he was definitely near the top of the list. Not that I was thinking about going, I was just noting that maybe I could if I wanted. Rob and I were sort of on a break. The guy was hot, clearly interested, but I already knew I wasn’t going to have ‘coffee’ with him.
“I’m sorry,” I said, “but as you probably know, I’m in a relationship.” It felt like the right thing to say. I didn’t want rumors starting that Rob and I weren’t together anymore.
“It’s a shame he’s not here.”
“Yeah, he can’t exactly go out in public without attracting a crowd.”
“Apparently, neither can you,” he said, still staring.
“I don’t think there’s going to be a crowd of fans waiting for me outside. I sure hope not.”
He smiled without missing a beat. “I’m in a relationship too.” He waited for my response, confident as ever.
I looked at him for a moment, thinking about how arrogant he was… and how much I wouldn’t have minded seeing him without his clothes.
“It was nice meeting you,” I said, sitting back down and picking up my dumbbells again.
“Yeah, you too,” he replied.
He walked back to his workout, completely unfazed by being rejected. I wasn’t surprised, he probably knew someone else equally hot would be more than willing to have ‘coffee’ with him within the hour.
After my workout, I showered and left the gym. Stepping out, I checked my phone and noticed I had a text from Rob that said:
" U know there's a picture of you and Damien going around Twitter. Fuck, are you really that mad at me?"
"Oh, come on!" I said out loud as I walked down the stairs and a guy looked at me with wild curiosity as he was walking up, possibly thinking that I looked familiar but finding it difficult to place me.
"What the fuck, bloody paparazzi," I immediately thought, I couldn't believe they had snapped pictures.
I texted him back immediately and we exchanged a few texts.
"Nothing happened. He showed up out of the blue because someone he knew told him I was working with Jimmy. We just talked for a few minutes. Don't start imagining things."
“How am I not supposed to imagine things? What do you think it looks like.”
“I know, bad timing … but nothing happened, Rob, I swear, I’m not lying to you. I wouldn’t. I made it clear to him I’m with you.”
“I just…. Hate that you’re so far away, and he’s there, and I’m not. You know how I feel about him.”
“I know, don’t worry. I turned him down. He knows where he stands.
“You’re impossible.”
“I might be. But so are you”
I walked a few blocks and ducked into a small coffee shop that seemed deserted enough. I ordered a latte and slid into a booth in the back, the perfect spot for privacy. I didn’t want anyone overhearing in case Rob would call.
After a few minutes, my cell phone rang. I was slightly disappointed when I saw it was Rachel, and not Rob, because I wanted to make sure he believed me. Although I wasn't sure if I wanted to talk to him, knowing he was probably upset and we might start arguing.
“Hey, how’s your day going?” she asked.
“Not great,” I admitted quietly, worrying about what Rob might be imagining.
“Why? About to cave?”
“Maybe… it’s getting hard,” I sighed.
She laughed, clearly imagining the wrong thing.
“Oh, come on, Rach!” I snapped, not in the mood for jokes.
"Sorry," she laughed. “But he was out again last night. I can't believe he's gonna make you cave. Don't cave! Be strong. He's getting bored here. I think he might decide to head to L.A. Don't give in now," she insisted.
"I'm almost done working with Jimmy," I said. "I miss him… and something happened yesterday…,"
"What happened?" she asked with curiosity.
For some reason - maybe because she was in a better mood than I was - or maybe because I needed to lighten up, I decided to have a little fun and bend the truth. I wanted to see her reaction if I hinted that something had happened with Damien, so I paused for a few seconds, thinking of the perfect line.
"Mark? What happened?"
"Are you kidding? Like…haven't you seen a picture of me on Twitter?" I said.
"No…why? What's there to see?"
"I did something really stupid," I mumbled.
"Already? … What'd you do?" she pressed, intrigued.
"Damien showed up at the studio!"
"Noooo!" she gasped.
"Yes! Like, he was literally sitting on the stairs waiting for me."
"Oh my god … how did he even know you were there?" she almost yelled.
“Beats me,” I said, then explained the excuse Damien had given.
“Jeez, I can’t believe he hasn’t given up on you,” she said.
“I know, right? I was gobsmacked. He started asking questions… because we’re supposed to be recording in London.”
"What'd you tell him?"
"Just that we were taking a break from the band for a while, because we all needed some time off. So obviously, he asked me if I was taking a break from Rob too."
"Gosh, he must've been psyched!"
"Yeah, well, he was smirking!"
She let out a slight laugh and asked unsurely,
"Mark, please, tell me you didn't have sex with him?"
I let out a loud sigh.
“Did you?!” she pressed, incredulous.
"Well… there was … a blowjob…," I teased and waited for her reaction.
Her gasp practically jumped through the phone. “Is that… like .... a handshake to you guys?!”
I couldn't help but laugh,
"I'm kidding. Nothing happened."
“I… I don’t understand. So… did something happen or not?”
“No, no. Just messing with you. I turned him down. Nothing happened.”
“Oh, come on! That’s not funny. Why would you joke about that?”
“I don’t know… I just wanted to hear your reaction.”
“Jeez, not cool. I hope you made it loud and clear he’s off-limits.”
“I did. But I don’t know why… every time I see him, I somehow let him think I might be tempted.”
“Are you… tempted?” she asked cautiously.
"No. Maybe. But that just pisses me off. I don't know why I'm doing it! But I did better this time," I laughed. "He might've understood."
"Jeez, admit it. You're into him!" she teased.
"I am not," I shot back.
"Oh , come on, be honest!"
"Well, he's attractive. I don't know, there's just something about him…."
"Yeah, you like the guy. But come on, Rob's way more attractive. Seriously, why do you think he’s so jealous of him, he can see it! Now if you don't want anything to happen with him - and I sincerely hope that you don't - then reject loud and clear once and for all. And don't have sex with him if you run into him again, please. You know, I don't know what you see in that guy, everyone hates him but you."
"Of course you all hate him. He's literally trying to make me break up with Rob."
"Don't let him. See, you said Rob was crazy to think something might happen with Damien. Well there you go, he's back again… at the worst possible time."
"I'm not gonna cheat on Rob with him. I don't even wanna be with anyone else, really," I sighed.
"I hope not. You know, I don't care how open your relationship is, I'd rather not know. But Damien's off limit. That would just destroy him. What are you trying to do, kick him while he's down?"
"I didn't do anything," I exclaimed loudly, "He showed up. I didn't go to him."
“Fine,” she said, sensing I was getting frustrated. “You know, you could probably pick up some random guy and Rob wouldn’t care, but Damien? He’s not some random guy.”
"Don't you think I know that!" I shot back.
"Seriously, just pick up some guy at the gym or something."
"Funny that you should say that," I said with a chuckle.
"Why? Did you?" she asked, curious.
“No, but I was at the gym this morning, and let’s just say a really hot guy clearly wouldn’t have minded taking me back to his place.”
She laughed.
"Gosh, it must suck being you."
"Yeah, you have no idea," I joked.
"I hope Rob won't find out that Damien's trying to get into your pants again."
"Too late, he already knows."
"What? You told him?" she asked, surprised.
“No. The fucking paparazzi did it for me. He texted me about it half an hour ago.”
“Wha… he texted you? What’d he say?”
“His exact words,” I said, then repeated Rob’s messages word for word.
"They posted pictures?" she asked dumbfounded.
“Apparently. Or maybe fans took them, I don’t know. We just talked outside the studio for a few minutes. I didn’t think anyone was following me. I’m in New York, not London. And reporters are always after Rob, not me. So I figured… if he’s not with me, they probably wouldn’t care what I do.”
"Well, apparently you were wrong. They do care. You know why? Because that sells papers if Robbie Myers' boyfriend is seen with another guy who appears to be gay. That's the kind of rumor the public laps up. They know you're postponing the album, they want to know what's going on."
"Shit! I can't believe this," I mumbled.
"Jeez. What's happening to you guys?"
"I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't have left. It was a bad idea."
"Oh don't do that again. You know it was the right thing to do. He needs this and you're the only one who's got enough influence on him to make him go. You're the only one he actually listens to."
"Not anymore he doesn't!"
"He will. He will," she repeated. "He may be stubborn as fuck but he loves you too much not to do what you ask him to do. You had to give him that ultimatum or he would've just let things get worse. It wasn't a bad idea … But you hooking up with Damien, that's a bad idea!"
"I know - and I won't. Look, can you talk to him, please?"
"Oh, I don’t know, Mark… I’ve tried. Jordan’s easy, he actually listens to me. Damon too, we talk every day. But Rob…" she sighed, and I could hear the weight in her voice. "First… he gets super defensive whenever we try to talk. And second… I just don’t feel close enough to him to tell him what he should do. It’s kind of my fault. We’ve never really fully reconnected. I haven’t let him, and… well, he hasn’t let me either. He’s always felt bad for… you know, kinda stealing you away."
I nodded, even though she couldn’t see me. My eyes flicked again to the four girls a few tables away. They were still whispering, glancing at me, snickering, and one of them was pretending to text while obviously trying to snap a photo. Great.
Rachel’s voice broke through my thoughts. "But… Damon hung out with him yesterday, and he said it seemed like Rob was actually… considering it. Maybe he’ll listen this time."
I exhaled slowly. "Yeah… I just… I don’t know. Can you make sure he knows nothing happened with Damien? I should call him, but I just… I can’t hear his voice right now. I don’t want to start an argument."
"Alright," she said, a hint of amusement creeping in. "Looks like I’m your messenger now, since you guys apparently can’t talk like normal people anymore."
“Thanks,” I said, glancing at the girls again. One of them had pulled out her phone and was trying to discreetly take pictures.
"And seriously, Mark," Rachel added, softer now, "don’t let him get to you. You did the right thing leaving, and Rob knows it. He just… needs a little push."
I sighed, letting her words sink in. "Yeah… I hope so… Anyway. So, you’ve talked to Jordan again? How's he doing? I haven't talked to him since last week."
"No, I might call him today actually. He's still in Dublin. I don't think he wants to admit it, but he's enjoying being back home with his folks after all," she said with a laugh.
"I hope his old man is making him suffer."
She chuckled. "Probably not. I bet his mum's pampering him. Must be why he's staying there," she joked, "Damon's back though. He came back yesterday. He was kinda missing…," she paused and added with a giggle, "… uh, never mind.”
"What? What were you gonna say?" I asked, suddenly very intrigued.
"Nothing, it's not important," she replied quickly.
Noticing her silence, I pressed, grinning. "Were you gonna say… he was kind of missing… you?"
She’d always been close to Damon, and I couldn’t help but wonder if there was something there. He was her confidant. She told him everything and she had started doing so after we had broken up. I had often wondered if they might become more than friends but up until now, they didn't seem to have moved beyond the friendzone.
She paused a beat. "No… I wasn’t gonna say that," she admitted shyly.
"You’re very convincing," I teased.
"It’s not about Dammo right now," she shot back.
I laughed. "Okay… then what is going on?"
"Nothing’s going on," she said firmly.
"You can tell me," I pressed.
"No, really, Mark. Nothing’s going on," she repeated.
I smirked. "Well, would you like - "
"Nooo!" she interrupted, and we both burst out laughing.
A pause followed, then she spoke softer. "You see… the thing is, I’ve always thought I needed to be with someone like him, " she trailed off.
"But not with him!" I said, finishing her sentence.
"But not with him!" she echoed, laughing.
"And now you’re not so sure…" I teased, letting my voice drop slightly. "You know he didn’t get to spend much time with Hailey. I think he’s tired of empty, meaningless relationships with girls who just want his money."
She giggled.
"Ahah, speechless! Finally," I said, grinning.
She laughed,
"Look. This is just too confusing. He's been sending me mixed signals… And don't change the subject, this conversation isn't about me," she exclaimed, sounding a little self-conscious.
"Alright, alright," I said, backing off. "I’m done teasing… for now."
I didn’t push further. If nothing had happened between them yet, I didn’t want to jinx it. Her hesitation spoke volumes about her ambivalence, and I understood completely. I knew what it was like to start dating someone you’d been friends with your whole life - how messy and confusing it could be in the beginning. I hoped she’d open up when ready but I liked the idea of the two of them together. I'd much rather see her with Damon than with anyone else.
"Mark..."
"What?"
"You know what you should do, right? You should just leave New York. Book a flight to Dublin today. Jordan's still there, you won't be alone."
I remained silent.
"Mark…" she repeated.
"Yeah."
"You have to go. I'm telling you. It will lift a weight off your shoulders you don't even know is there."
"I don't even know what to say to her. Like… it's been so long," I answered as I stood up. I put my Ipod, that I had placed on the table, back in my pocket and started heading out. Of course, the girls followed discreetly.
"Amy will come with you. She'll make sure you don't run into him. You'll just be talking to your mother, if that's what you're worried about. Don't stay in New York if you're gonna do stupid things."
"Maybe I should go to France first," I said.
"Yeah, sure, why not. Just don't stay in New York. You know, I'd love to come with you. I'm gonna practice my French."
"Yeah. I thought I needed to meet him alone, but the more I think about it, the less I want to go by myself."
"Just tell me when and I'll be there!"
I thanked her and told her I'd let her know if I decided to go to France first. Indeed, with the pictures my mother had given me, Jordan had made it his business to try and find my biological father, hiring a private investigator to help him. At first, I had told him not to look for him but he'd insisted for so long that I'd eventually had to agree. I really didn't have anything to lose.
"Wanna have dinner with your favourite straight best friend tonight?" he asked me one day. "My treat!"
I smirked. "Do I get to pick the restaurant this time? I don't wanna end up in Burger King again!"
He laughed, knowing my obsession with good food and fine dining - especially Michelin-starred restaurants. Jordan and I would often hang out alone like this, even though most of my time obviously went to Rob. Our long-standing friendship made it important to carve out moments just for us. He’d always jokingly invite me on “bi-curious dates,” which usually ended with conversations about his latest crush - or about gay sex.
But that time, the conversation had gone in a very different direction and when he broke the news to me that he had tracked down my biological father, being pretty pleased with himself, I just couldn't believe it, not at all.
A week later, I had spoken on the phone, which had been particularly unsettling. He had obviously been utterly shocked to find out he had a son he knew nothing about but had expressed the desire to meet me. It still had to happen though. Going to France to meet him was undoubtedly a lot more appealing than seeing my unloving mother again to confront her with the truth.
"Jimmy asked me if I could stay for his 30th birthday, though," I said to Rachel as I walked down the street, grateful the rain had eased into a light drizzle.
"When is that?"
"Next weekend."
"A lot can happen in a week. What if Damien tries to see you again?"
"Then I’ll just have to tell him to give up on me - once and for all," I said.
"And what if you don’t?" she teased.
I glanced behind me. The girls trailing me were trying to stay subtle, but somehow, the number had grown to seven.
"I like it here. I don't wanna leave yet…. Look, I'm gonna have to let you go, I'm being followed by a few girls," I laughed.
"Are you serious?" she laughed back.
"Yeah. They spotted me in a coffee shop. They must've seen me walk in. I think they even took a few pictures and posted them online."
She snickered. "You’re going to have to stop thinking you can walk around New York without being recognized."
"Shit," I said with a laugh. "It's ok, there are only seven of them."
"Good luck," she joked. "Talk to you later."
I walked another block and stopped to hail a cab. The girls were gathering courage, clearly debating whether to approach me. With no cabs in sight yet, I decided to walk over to them.
"Well, you’ve obviously recognized me," I said with a small smile.
"Sorry to bother you! Can we get an autograph?" one of them asked, holding out a pen and paper. I signed it with a nod.
"Can we take a picture with you?" two others asked at the same time, already flanking me with their phones ready.
"Sure," I said, holding back a laugh.
"Are you in New York with the whole band? Is Robbie here?"
"No. Sorry. Me is all you’re getting," I replied.
"Oh my god!" one of them gasped, shaking her head in disbelief. "We love your music! We’ve been fans for five years. We thought it was just someone who looked like you. You’re amazing, we never thought we’d actually meet you like this!”
“I can’t believe you’re just walking around New York!” another girl said. “We thought you’d have a bodyguard or something.”
“Not today,” I said, grinning. “Just trying to enjoy the city like everyone else.”
They quickly started firing questions at me - about the tour, the album, and why it seemed to be postponed. I answered carefully, giving as much as I could without revealing too much.
Soon, five more people noticed and asked for selfies, and within a few minutes, I was surrounded by over fifteen fans. That was my cue: time to go.
I waved goodbye as I spotted a cab pulling up. “I’ve got to go now, but thanks for hanging out with me for a bit!”
As I slid into the back seat, I realized that if Rob had been with me, we might have drawn a much bigger crowd, probably needed security just to make it down the street. And yet, without him, I could move through Manhattan almost unnoticed, blending into the city and enjoying it in a way we never could together.
When I got back to Jimmy's apartment, I searched for a flight to Dublin, though deep down, I already knew I wasn’t going to book it just yet. I forced myself to think through what it would actually mean, packing, taking a cab to the airport, spending eight hours on a plane, none of which I felt like doing. And then, imagining myself standing in front of my mother’s house, talking to her… all I felt was anxiety, apprehension, and unease. I just didn’t want to go yet.
Just like Rob didn’t want to go to L.A., I figured it must feel the same - putting off a decision you knew you couldn’t avoid forever, hoping that if you waited long enough, something would shift on its own.
Staying in New York until Jimmy’s 30th birthday felt far more tempting. I knew my cold feet weren’t logical, and that another week’s delay was probably a bad idea, but I couldn’t do it yet.
I was browsing the internet when my phone rang. It was Jordan.
“Hey, mate,” he said, sounding almost surprised that I’d picked up.
“Hey. How you doing?”
“Good… sooo… I just got a call from Rach. She convinced Rob to go to L.A.”
“Did she?” I asked, relief flooding through me as something tight in my chest finally eased. I didn’t need to wonder what had changed his mind. Damien was probably part of it, maybe all of it.
“Yep. And now I’m supposed to convince you to come to Dublin.”
I laughed. “Jeez, what would we do without her?”
“Come on,” he said. “I could use some company.”
I sighed and gave it a few seconds of thought. “What if you come here for the week? Then we fly back together. Huh? How does that sound?”
There was a pause. “What d’you want me to come to New York for?” he asked, clearly thrown off by the suggestion.
“Well… I guess Jimmy and I could use your help,” I said, then added, almost as an afterthought, “and he’s having a party for his thirtieth. He’d really like it if you came.”
“Why didn’t you start with that?” Jordan exclaimed. “I’m there.”
I laughed. “Yeah, I’m not sure this is exactly what you need though.”
"Are you kidding? Like, it's nice being home but…, my mum treats me like a child," he complained.
"That's because you are one, you twat! You'll be fifteen your whole life."
“I swear, she drags me everywhere,” he laughed. “Because she needs a new couch, or a coffee table that would fit perfectly in the living room… I’ve basically redecorated the entire place.”
I laughed too. All of our parents had moved out of the old neighbourhood by now. Not that the houses we grew up in weren’t nice, but when you start making real money, taking care of your family is usually the first thing you do. Bigger houses, more space, a kind of upgrade to match the new life.
They were all still in Ireland, though. Only my family hadn’t moved at all.
“She cracks me up, she finds something new to buy every day,” Jordan said, then fell silent for a moment.
“Hey… do you remember Sean from high school?” he asked after a pause.
I thought for a second. “Doesn’t ring a bell, no.”
"Yeah remember, we used to go clubbing with him 'cause he had an older brother who could let us in."
"Oh, maybe. I don't know, I'm not sure I remember him."
"You don't? There was this one time… we were barely sixteen. We went to this party in Dublin ‘cos we'd heard his brother talk about it with his friends and people had Amyl Nitrite there."
"Ohhh," I said, snapping my fingers. "you know what? I think Rob might've told me about that. But I wasn't with you."
"Yes, you were. I'm pretty sure you were there."
"I'm pretty sure I wasn't," I insisted.
"I gotta call Rob and ask him if he remembers."
"What's Amyl Nitrite again?" I asked.
"You know, it's this substance that you sniff and it makes your head explode for a good five seconds. So, we got some and then stood in O'Connell Street for an hour, sniffing Amyl, pointing at people and laughing. And we were like, 'fuck, fuck! Can you feel that? When's it gonna stop," he said with a laugh.
"And that's how it all started," I joked, shaking my head with a small laugh.
"Maybe it was Dammo."
"Yeah, 'cause it wasn't me," I confirmed.
"Yeah, must've been Dammo. You were probably grounded… for breathing too loudly."
I laughed, but it wasn't that far from the truth. My 'father' would get mad at me for such an insignificant reason. Any excuse to slag me off, hurt me and make me feel worthless and insecure.
"Anyway…I saw him the other day. The guy's a junkie now."
"No, you're kidding me!" I replied, chuckling.
“He was so envious of us. Had nothing interesting to say. He’s twenty-six and already completely fucked up his life.”
“That’s sad,” I murmured.
“Yeah. And he was like, ‘Hey dude, d’you wanna smoke this joint with me?’” Jordan said in a fake stoned voice. “‘Uh, no thanks… I’m… gonna… go…’”
I laughed.
“Fuck! Sooo pathetic. He still lives with his folks. Hasn’t done anything with his life other than get high. Made me think a little.”
“Just a little?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.
Jordan sighed. “I’m sorry we neglected the band. We should’ve been more focused instead of partying so much,” he admitted, his tone apologetic.
“Look, I love partying. I love it as much as you do, but you guys took it too far,” I said firmly.
“I know,” he muttered.
“I wouldn’t want Rob to join the 27 Club!” I added, thinking of all those famous artists who had died at 27 from drugs and alcohol abuse, the most recent being Amy Winehouse.
“Oh shit, no!” he exclaimed. “But…it kinda had to happen. I mean, we’ve been working so hard from the beginning. We needed to blow off some steam… we just didn’t handle the pressure very well.”
“Hey, look,” I said softly, “I’m not worried about you. I know you were doing it for fun, for the experience, not because you were unhappy or anything. But you knew Rob wasn’t doing it for the same reasons.”
“But that’s the thing, he just needed to unwind. That’s why we started going out so much in the first place… otherwise, it was just work, all the time.”
I let out a slow sigh. “We didn’t use to think of it as work.”
He was quiet for a moment. “Yeah… that’s true. I guess it all got a bit too much,” he admitted, his voice low.
“So… how long are you gonna give him the cold shoulder?”
“Dunno. I was about to cave this morning,” I confessed.
“Why don’t you? Don’t you think he’s understood the message now?” he pressed gently, showing he didn’t agree with my method.
“I don’t think he has. He’s not in L.A., is he?”
“Mark, can you please stop listening to Dylan and Tom? He made a mistake, alright, but…”
“Jordan, don’t!” I interrupted sharply.
“What? Look, I agree he needs to focus on himself. You’re right about that. People need to leave him the fuck alone for a while - but you don’t need to send him to therapy.”
“So… what do you suggest I do then?”
“Support him,” he said simply. “Go home and be with him.”
“Jord… as long as he’s not on a plane to L.A., ready to deal with his demons, I’m not going back to him. It’s the best thing I can do for him. Please trust me on that.”
He let out a deep huff, and I could hear the frustration in his silence.
“I don’t care if he hates me right now. I’ll do what’s best for him, and right now… going to therapy, staying clean, that’s what’s best for him. I’ll protect him from himself, even if it means he hates me for it,” I said, my voice trembling slightly.
He didn’t respond.
“Jord… please, be on my side,” I begged, almost almost welling up.
"I am, I am on your side. Of course, he shouldn’t be doing drugs. I realize it can easily turn into an addiction for him, and I… I’m sorry I let him do it."
"No," I said quickly. "He would’ve done it anyway. He was already heading in that direction. It’s not your fault."
"Yeah, maybe. But I should’ve protected him more, instead of… joining in," he admitted, his voice heavy with regret.
"Yes, you should have," I agreed firmly.
Yeah," he sighed. "But fuck, Mark… it’s not easy for him to admit that he finds it difficult when everyone around him thinks he has the perfect life. Going clubbing with him… I got to see just how much he’s being harassed. It never stops. And it keeps getting worse. I don’t get half the attention he does when I’m out by myself. The more successful we get, the more pressure he’s under."
"I know," I said softly. "I’m always with him. But what can we do about it? That’s never gonna change. He’s always going to be the center of attention. He has to learn how to handle it better. He can’t let it get the best of him. How can we go back on tour if he’s not in the same state of mind as two years ago? We can’t do it if he’s not ready to give his all."
"But you know," he continued, quieter now, "I do think we’ve been working way too much. We’ve never really stopped since we were sixteen. Honestly, after the tour, we should’ve taken some time for ourselves instead of rushing back into the studio and promotion. We’ve barely had a chance to miss it, you know what I mean?"
"Yeah," I said. "I know. I’ve been thinking about this a lot."
"Yeah… me too."
"We need a break. Like a real one. Even Rob and I need a break."
"D’you reckon? You guys haven’t broken up, have you?" he asked, worry edging his tone.
I let out a long sigh. "I don’t know what we are at the moment."
"You’ve been together nine years. Not easy to maintain a healthy relationship when…" He trailed off, then added, "I guess you’re on a break."
"Yeah, I guess we are."
I went silent, and he waited a moment before speaking again.
"Mark… Rach told me, nothing going on with that Damien dude, right?" His voice carried concern.
"No. Nothing," I reassured him quickly. "He just… tried to see me again because he found out I was in New York."
"Damn, maybe I should come to New York after all. I’ll keep an eye on you," he said. "We wouldn’t want you doing what Ross did to Rachel."
I snorted, remembering the TV show. "What, you mean I can’t hook up with some random guy at the gym? Rachel said I could!" I joked.
"Really? I’m surprised she didn’t tell you to experiment with a girl again," he said, laughing.
"Not going back there," I replied, shaking my head.
"You don’t know what you’re missing!" he exclaimed.
"Yes, I do," I countered, smirking. "You’re the one who doesn’t know what he’s missing."
He chuckled. "Alright, alright. I’m gonna put an end to this conversation before I start feeling nervous."
"Coward!" I teased.
He laughed, the sound warm. "Anyway… so, you wanna hear what I’ve been thinking?"
"Go on, tell me."
"I think we should wait until we actually miss touring and recording. I want to feel… genuinely eager to hit the studio, not pressured to churn out another record."
"Yeah," I agreed. "And we go back on tour only when we can’t fucking wait to get out there again."
"Yeaaah! Exactly. When it’s been too long and we’re dying to play," he said decisively.
I smiled. "Maybe we just do a few festivals next summer instead of a full tour, try out the new songs live, see how it feels. Then, in 2019, we take it to the next level. A tour that blows people’s minds. Something really special. I don’t know exactly what yet, but we’ll have time to figure it out. What d’you think?"
"I think that’s a good plan," he said, his voice full of excitement.
"So… how soon can you be here?" I asked.
"I can leave tomorrow," he said with boyish eagerness. "I can’t wait to get outta here!"
"Alright," I said. "I’ll text you Jimmy’s address. Call me when you land."
We chatted a bit longer before I hung up and immediately rang Rachel to get the details of her conversation with Rob. Turns out, he hadn’t needed much convincing, everyone around him had been pressuring him to go: his parents, Tom, Dylan, me… and now even Damon.
Rachel had reassured him about Damien, but he was still worried I might act on impulse -wanting sex, or worse, starting a relationship with him.
"He doesn’t have to worry," I said firmly.
"Well… he does," Rachel said carefully. "He’s worried he might’ve gone too far. That you might not look at him the same way. Do you think there’s some truth to that?"
I paused, thinking it through. "No. I’m mad at him, but I don’t love him any less. I know he wasn’t trying to hurt me. He was just hurting inside, and eventually it had to boil over because he couldn’t admit it to anyone. But there’s nothing unfixable here."
After a moment of silence, she spoke again. "Anyway… it was nice. We had an early dinner together and a good chat," she said. "I felt closer to him. Like, he wasn’t worried about hurting my feelings by talking about you."
"What’d he tell you?" I asked, curiosity pricking at me.
"I don’t think he wants me to tell you…" she hesitated, "but he talked about Damien."
"Oh yeah? Come on, tell me," I pressed. "What did he say?"
She took a breath. "That he’d always been worried something might happen with him… if you guys ever… split up."
"Oh, come on," I muttered.
"Yeah. Just because you like Damien. He can see there’s a connection. Not as strong as yours, obviously, but you get along… like, you’ve got plenty in common."
"Yes, that made him a friend," I said.
"A friend you fancy," she added, waiting for my reaction. I just chuckled - there was no point in lying, it was obvious I was attracted to him.
She continued, "What he told me was so sweet. Wait… let me remember… How do I put this?"
I gave her a moment.
"Like… he said he knew Damien would fall for you. Just because of how attractive you are. Even if you don’t realize it yourself. You don’t even try, but it’s like… you have this aura. You attract people to you, not in a shallow way, like him, but in a deeper way. You make people fall in love with you. And he knew that if Damien got to know you better, actually spent time with you… he’d fall in love. And… sure enough, he did."
I shook my head, taking a moment to process what she had just told me.
"And now," Rachel said softly, "he thinks he might have to fight for you."
"Fight for me?" I repeated, incredulous, as if it were crazy to think he’d ever have to.
"Yeah," Rachel said carefully. "Because Damien can mess with your head. Right now, he could convince you that it’s a good time to give him a chance. If you want something to happen, it will… and there’s not much he can do about it. Just like back when you got together, there was nothing I could’ve done. When you told me about being with him, I’d already lost you."
Well, when it comes to me and you, I realized I was gay… and in love with him," I admitted. "So yeah, nothing you could’ve done. But I’m not in love with Damien."
"But Damien’s in love with you," Rachel said gently.
"So?"
"So… I dunno. Look, you love Rob, even if it’s complicated right now, so just try to remember that if you see Damien again."
"Fine. You’ve made your point. I won’t let him mess with my head," I said firmly.
We talked a bit longer. She refused to tell me everything Rob had confided, but I was glad he’d been able to open up to her.
----
As I lay in bed that night, Rob was all I could think about. I felt far less confused about Damien. Even if he tried to see me again - and I knew he would - I wouldn’t let him. I couldn’t let him hope for some romantic relationship. I wasn’t interested in that.
I couldn’t deny the sexual attraction, but unlike me, I knew there was more for him than lust. There was something deeper, something real. Even though two years had passed since he’d told me he loved me, it was still clear in the way he looked at me: he wasn’t over me.
There was no way I was going to have sex with him and leave him hurt and confused. And I could never do that to Rob. I was already causing him pain by refusing to come home; I wasn’t about to add Damien on top of that. Just the thought made me ache. I couldn’t wait to be with Rob again, the way we used to be before all this mess started. I really wasn't that mad at him.
I wanted to call him, to tell him I was thinking of him, that I missed him, that he didn’t need to be jealous - but I knew talking right then would only make things harder. Instead, I grabbed my phone and started typing, unsure if I’d press ‘send’.
" Rach told me you're going to L.A… I listened to 'Sparks' this morning. Something about those lyrics, it seems like we've only just written them. Don't let me down. I love you."
I hesitated for a few seconds before finally hitting send. Then I opened Twitter, searching for that damn picture of me. I read a few of the fan tweets, which quickly got on my nerves, so I picked up the book I’d been reading and waited, anxious, for his reply.
Half an hour later, it came,
"Can't do me any harm. I'm gonna go if it means that much to you, and to everyone else…"
I could see that he was still typing so I waited before responding.
"Babe, I’m not stupid. I know we’re on a break, and I’m not even asking you to be completely faithful. I could understand if you wanted to hook up with someone in NY… but with him, I hope you won’t let me down either. I don’t want it to come to this, but if I have to fight for you, I will, I've got no problem doing it. I can’t stand the thought of losing you - especially to him."
My heart swelled reading his words. I hated that he thought I might cheat on him with Damien, and at the same time, a bitter thought crossed my mind - that no matter how much he loved me, he might end up sleeping with someone else, and that maybe I’d deserve it. Still, I was willing to take that risk. I already knew I probably wouldn’t hold it against him.
“You won’t have to. I don’t want to be with him, or with anyone else. You don’t have to feel threatened by him. I’m not THAT mad at you. I told you, I’m not letting go of you, ever. I don’t want to lose you, that scares me just as much as it does you.”
“Mark, I know how much you want me to go to L.A., but honestly, all I want right now is to fly to New York and be with you… if you’re not going to come home.”
“Stop trying to run from this. Don’t use Damien as an excuse not to go to L.A. I don’t want anything to happen with him. I’m with you. I love you. I only want you. I don’t want to hook up with anyone. And if I do, or if you do, for some reason, it won’t mean anything. It never has. I’ve never wanted anyone else in my life but you.”
“You know I want exactly the same. I don’t want to wait weeks before I can see you, and let Damien try to get to you again. Why don’t you want me to come to NY? I can go to L.A. later. I have to see you. it’s been too long already.”
“Because… I want the real you back. And the sooner you get the help you need, the sooner we can be together again. Like we used to be.”
“What makes you think it wouldn’t be the real me? Come on, you know I’m sorry. I never wanted to hurt you. I was just messed up. I’m already feeling better.”
“No, Rob. You’re lying to yourself. It won’t fix itself. You need help. Real, professional help. Don’t ever think I don’t miss you , every second of every day. But I also miss what we were. Before you stopped giving a fuck about anything. Just go to L.A."
"Mark, I don’t want to wait this long".
"Tell me when you get there. I love you."
He didn’t reply after my last message. I think he knew I wouldn’t cave. But I honestly wasn’t sure what he was going to do. Go to L.A or come to NY.
He didn’t try to call me either. I guess he knew - just like I did - that talking any more would only make it hurt worse. Because despite everything, despite being angry and disappointed and exhausted, we both wanted the same thing.
We just didn’t know how to get back to it yet.
Lying in bed alone, I couldn’t stop imagining the kind of hot and desperate sex we’d be having if we were in the same room. We’d probably argue, voices rising, but he’d tire of it quickly. Before I knew it, he’d probably grab my arm, pin me against the wall, and kiss me roughly, like it was the only possible response.
Then he'd look intensely into my eyes. That'd be enough to set me off and the passion between us would be back a hundredfold. I knew I'd kiss him back harder and our tongues would play hungrily with each other. I'd run my fingers through his hair and draw him closer to me. I might nibble at his neck to breathe in the smell of his skin and then kiss his cheek and his lips again.
I'm pretty sure he'd have been the first one to rip off my clothes. He'd lower his head and start biting at the muscles on my chest or lightly nip my nipples. Then I'd pull off his shirt to feel his chest against mine and we'd kiss passionately again. And then, he'd spin me around and let his tongue travel from the top of my spine, down to my waistband.
There'd be no foreplay, no cock sucking. He'd want to fuck me, to feel like I was his. I was only wearing pajama bottoms tied by a string with no underwear so he'd pull the string and let them drop to the floor and then he'd immediately caress and kiss my ass cheeks until I'd feel his tongue swiping over my hole, swirling everywhere and probing me. I'd be hard as a rock by then so I'd reach for my cock and jerk myself off to increase the pleasure of feeling his tongue darting in and out of me and I'd groan above him to encourage him to continue.
Then he'd stand up and we'd kiss again, with less urgency this time, but still both breathing hard. I think I'd want him to fuck me right there on the bedroom floor and I'd tell him so. We'd make out some more and caress each other's bodies before dropping to our knees and I'd lie down on the floor and raise my arms above my head. He'd kiss my chest and my neck, which would drive me crazy. He'd tell me how gorgeous he thought I was as he'd stroke his cock and lube up both of us
Then I'd take the lead by lifting my legs into the air and putting them over his shoulders or around his waist. I wouldn't want him to open me up with his fingers, I wouldn't want to be teased. I'd only want to enjoy the feeling of being fully filled so I'd urge him to push himself into me and fuck me good and hard.
Then I'd feel the tip of his cock press against my hole and he'd do exactly as I ask. He would begin to pump slowly into me and he'd kiss my skin at the same time but he'd soon pound my ass because I'd keep telling him to go harder. He'd tell me how good I was and I'd tell him how good it felt being fucked and having him inside me again.
I'd enjoy watching him as he'd stare lustfully at body and my cock, knowing how much I was turning him on. I'd pull his face tight against mine and we'd kiss, then he'd nip at my neck and he would occasionally tease my hard-on. I'd want more so my own hand would pump away at my cock, and my other hand would be between my legs to feel his cock sliding in and out of me.
We'd both be so turned on that we'd soon be ready to burst and he'd urge me to cum as his balls would slap against me and his cock would hit that spot inside of me so that I'd feel jolts of pleasure that'd make my cock swell and ropes of cum would soon start flying out and land all over my chest and I'd keep moaning and groaning and squeezing his cock with my ass while he'd plough into me and finally cum inside me. I'd continue pulling on my cock as he'd have his orgasm, and I'd watch him shake and whimper with that look of ecstasy and lust on his face as he'd flood my innards with thick streams of cum. Then he'd collapse on top of me with his dick still inside me and my cum smeared between us. He'd eventually ease himself out of me and I'd feel this sudden feeling of emptiness which would make me wish he could put it right back in.
I smiled to myself as I got off the bed to wash the cum off my chest. I quickly crawled back into bed and grabbed a pillow, wishing it was Rob hugging himself to me, and let sleep overtake me, hoping he wouldn't haunt my dreams too.
A couple of days later, he texted me to say he’d arrived in L.A. and a rush of relief washed over me - along with something I couldn’t quite name. All I could think about was that he was finally there, but all I wanted was to have him near again, to close the distance that had felt unbearable. I couldn’t though, at least, not yet.
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