The Skin of Things

DONOVAN shorter believed Cademon Richards would be the love of his life for precisely three days. For three days he imagined a world where he was a kindergarten teacher and Cade was his aide and together, the male duo changed the face of education, walking their children out to recess, halving their duties, becoming closer and closer, raising children together that were not theirs and went home to other people by 2:30.

He rode his bike down Moore to Indiana, then across the river, and knocked on the door of the two story limestone brick described by Cade with the number described, and when it opened, Cade said, so quickly it almost came out as one word, “Great, you’re here. Don, meet my boyfriend, Simon.”

And that was when whatever fantasy had been developing in Don’s head was neatly packed away, and he smiled into reality, shook Simon’s hand and walked inside the house. Real life was full of little disappointments that had to be covered over, assumptions that had to be readjusted, and as soon as Donovan knew Cade was not single, he didn’t feel the need to conceal anything, including that he was forty, no matter what a good looking forty. Forty years was long enough to adjust one’s perceptions and be able to have a good night being social with a couple.

“You don’t know how much this matters,” Simon said. “Cade never brings anyone home, and he’s not out to anyone.”

“How do you be out at school, at a day care?” Cade said. “I love those old women, but… yeah, not a lot of talking about life with them.”

“Is it that way with you?” Simon asked Donovan.

“No, it’s not,” Cade said before Don could answer. “They talk about everything. I could have sworn one of them was hitting on me.”

“That would be Barb,” Donovan said. “No, it’s different with us in kindergarten and the upper grades.”

The night moved on in an ordinary fashion except that Donovan kept wondering what the hell had been going on. He needed to talk to Cade. They had fucked three nights before, all night. Cade had started it. Hadn’t he? But, damnit, here he was doubting himself, and there was nothing to doubt. In fact, Don was so sure that Cade was flirting with him right now, and Simon was like that too. As it grew dark, Don said, “I have school in the morning. Time to get to bed.”

“Are you sure?” Simon said, sitting on the couch with a beer. “I couldn’t interest you in another?”

“I would be very interested in another,” Donovan said, “And I’ve loved coming here, but I really do need to get my ass up and go.”

Cade stood up and said, “I’ll walk him to the door.”

“Well, not until,” Simon said, standing up, “I give you a big hug.”

It was a lingering and halfway sensuous hug and Donovan thought, they must just both be like this.

On the porch, as the sky was turning a darker blue and the air was cooling, Donovan said, “What the fuck?”

When Cade said nothing, Don said, “We slept together. We had sex.”

“I know. But… It’s not like that. It’s… We have a complicated relationship,”

“I don’t,” Donovan said. “I don’t have complicated relationships. You didn’t bring him up. You didn’t say anything.”

“I thought maybe you wouldn’t mind.”

Donovan stared blankly at him.

“Okay, that’s not completely true,” Cade said.

“Then why?”

“Because I wanted to!” Cade said, almost angry. “Because I wanted to be with you.”

Cade continued, “I still do.”

Then he said in a different tone, “Simon really wouldn’t mind. He wouldn’t. It’s different with us, you know?”

“Yeah,” Donovan said. “Well, I don’t think its different with me.”

“You’re not…” Cade began, then said, “It’s not fair to ask if you’re mad at me. That’s childish. I know what I did. I just really wanted to be with you that night. I told myself it was alright.”

“Yeah, well, I think I knew something was up, but I ignored it too. I didn’t ask you to stay.”

“I would have, you know?”

“I’m too old for you anyway,” Don said.

“You’re not,” Cade said. “God, you don’t look forty.”

“I do. I am forty, and I look like myself.”

“I feel like an asshole for even saying this, but we’re still friends, aren’t we? I’d hate it if we weren’t.”

“We are,” Donovan said. “But that’s all we are.”

Cade nodded his head. He reached for a cigarette and before he lit his, handed one to Donovan.

“I would appreciate it if you didn’t tell Simon we fucked. Unless you told him already.”

“No,” Cade said. “We don’t tell each other about who happens. Not unless it happens together. It’s very complicated. I at least hope you had a good time. Tonight I mean.”

“Simon’s a good man,” was all Don said.

“He really likes you,” Cade said. “A lot.”

“He’s kind of flirtatious,” Donovan said because he couldn’t say, “Cade, you’re kind of flirtatious.”

“Yeah, well,” Cade said. “We can be that way. I mean, Simon wouldn’t mind it if…” Cade was quiet a moment. “What I’m trying to say is, we’re sort of open. We’ve shared. We do share. Is what I’m saying.”

“Oh,” Donovan said.

“So,” Cade continued, “if you felt something… I mean, it’s not made up.”

“Oh,” Donovan said. “Okay.”

Then Donovan said, “Did you, possibly, in the back of your mind, think I would stay tonight, and just sleep with both of you.”

“Or even just me,” Cade said, quickly. “I really do… Everything I said that night was true, Don. It’s complicated, but my feelings aren’t. They really aren’t.”

Donovan removed Cade’s hand from his leg. It was harder to do than he thought, and he realized Simon must be waiting inside, must know something of what was going on now.

“I…” Donovan shook his head, “I respect couples doing whatever makes them work, but I am not that evolved. I couldn’t share. Not ever I don’t think.”

“Oh,” Cade said.

“I’m going to go now,” Donovan said, “I really do need to rest.”

Then he said, “Fuck. I need to process all this.”

“Of course you do,” Cade said as Donovan stood up, “but it’s late. I’m putting your bike in the back of my truck.”

“No, that’s fine.”

“Don, be mad at me in the morning—”

“I’m not mad at you.”

“You should be. Be mad at me in the morning, but for now… please. Let me take you home.”

“Alright.”