The Skin of Things

Outside he could look all up and down the street, passing the brightly lit apartments by the marina, fairy lights strung over them at midnight, watching the stragglers go through the stores still open this late. Beyond was the rich blue darkness, and the beach with the lights of a few boats. Cade passed over the train tracks past another row of beach apartments until his sandaled feet, in the increasingly cool night, crossed the last empty street and came onto the beach.

Cademon Richard’s eyes had to adjust to the darkness to see the stretch of sand on the water, to see, of all things, geese floating on the lake, and one small motorboat setting out toward the pier. Across the water, lights twinkled from Michigan City. Cademon took off his sandals and laid them on the wet sand, walking further into the water, sinking his feet into the silt that passed through his toes. He walked in further until the water was around his calves and then, not quite knowing what he was doing, he took off his shirt and then undid his shorts and next pulled off his underwear, and balling them all up he threw them on the sand near his sandals, and then sank into the water, swimming out a pace, where he buried himself in the cool water and thought about never coming up.

The hotel room was empty. Wherever Simon was, it wasn’t here. After showering and being bored and that odd feeling that always comes after you’ve been having sex and now you’re all alone, Cade got online. His friend was on.

-You’re up awfully late.

-Couldn’t sleep. Didn’t really want to sleep. Still sort of wired.

Cade sat back from the computer. It was easier than using a phone.

-I don’t know if I can’t sleep, I just know I don’t really want to right now. I’m in one of those moods.

-Are you religious?

-No

Cade was almost put out by the question.

-My grandma was. But I think everyone’s grandma is, and she used to say, don’t let the sun go down on your anger. Sometimes I feel like I can’t go to sleep until I don’t feel like shit.

This sounded familiar, and Cade typed back.

-Are you feeling like shit tonight? I thought you and your boyfriend were on this awesome vacation.

But then, Cade thought, that was his story as well.

-It’s not like we’re in Florida.

Cade waited a few minutes and more words came up

-That sounded ungrateful. It’s actually beautiful around here. Beautiful place, great beach. All of that. Excellent hotel. Hot tub and all that.

Cade typed:

-I sort of want details. I know I shouldn’t. I mean, was it fun?

-It was wild.

-Well, that’s a good thing? Right?

-I’m actually sort of tired of doing wild things. Not all the time but right now I am. Say, have you ever met anyone online? You know, date wise?

-A couple of times.

-How’s it go?

-It’s alright. I try not to talk to people too far away, people I know I won’t meet.

-You’re in Gary, right?”

-Willmington.

-Exactly where is Willmington? I sort of forget where stuff is.

-Well, sort of southeast of Gary is Wallington, and then east of Wallington is Willmington. It’s kind of like west of Lake Station. If you know where that is.

-Sort of. We stay right around Chicago.

Cade felt that, because it was very late, he could be a little more honest than he sometimes was. He was, after all, sitting in his apartment in shorts and tee shirt, freshly washed after coke and fucking, feeling lonely and wondering where his boyfriend was.

-Part of me thinks I ruined my last relationship because I was jealous. I thought it would be sort of neat to have a relationship where me and my boyfriend saw other couples, traveled out of town and had wild weekends. Maybe it would have brought things to life.

-Maybe.

When his friend didn’t respond, Cade thought of typing more, but then thought that would look desperate. He got up, walked around his living room, and then came to sit back down. All of a sudden a whole paragraph popped up.

-I know exactly what you mean. The truth is I’m starting to realize that the guy I thought I’d be with for the rest of my life gets off on seeing me fuck other people, and the only time he wants to touch me is when seeing someone else having sex with me gets him hard enough to pay me any attention. The only time he even wants me is on a weekend, when he’s high, and someone else’s dick is in my mouth.

-Where did you guys go?

-We’re in New Union.

“Fuck!”

Cade almost threw his laptop across the room. As his heart thumped, Cade tried to absorb this. Was it possible? But.. And even while Cade was trying to type:

-I’m sure that’s not—

Suddenly, in blue, was written

-Sorry to be such a downer. I’m going to bed. Goodnight.

His friend was offline, and Cade felt worse than he had a moment before. He kind of really didn’t know anything, and it was late Saturday night, Sunday really, which was always so weird, and then Monday and back to work, and the world seemed like such an ugly little place sometimes.

Cade typed:

-Good night, Barnstormer.

And then he sighed and sat staring at the laptop, telling himself it was time to go to sleep.

CADE

Simon doesn’t come home until the next morning. When he does, he is green faced and lank haired. He looks beaten up. His nose is red, his lips pale.

For a moment I wonder if a man did this to him, but as he looks up at me, I know that isn’t true, and he says, in a kind of defeated voice:

“I think we need to end this. I think it’s time to break up.”

Let me be clear. I’m not a victim. This is not a story about how badly Simon treated me. Everything he suggested, I did. The things he said we should do, I agreed to. I liked the threesomes. If he was the one to go through the work of planning them, I liked the orgies and the meet ups. I liked them until I didn’t. Until the very last night when talking to one of the guys I’d just been with, I realized how exhausted and bruised I was. And when Simon came into our room I realized he was bruised too. I didn’t have the sense to resist him, and a good lover would have done that. A good boyfriend would have said, “Maybe this isn’t a good enough idea.”

So you see, I was no victim, but when it was over, and I knew it was definitely over, it did not stop me from feeling absolutely crushed.