The Hathaway

Reconciliations

“Are you alright?” Ben had locked himself in the bathroom and turned on the water so I couldn’t hear him crying. “Sweety, I’m right here. What’s going on?” He didn’t answer and I knew I needed to let him come out at his own pace. Still I understood his shock at the boys knowing about Andrew. I sat on the bed and waited. It wasn’t long before he turned off the water and opened the door. His face was still red, but this time it was from the wet washcloth he was using in an attempt to erase the traces of his tears. His breathing was ragged and without saying a word he came over to sit beside me and buried his face against my chest and shoulder. I held him as he regathered himself, caressing his hair and back.

Finally he looked up and said, “It’s been a shitty afternoon. I just want to crawl into bed and hide for the next week.”

I decided my questions could wait and quietly asked, “What happened.” He hesitated and I began to worry that he didn’t feel comfortable telling me what he had been up to.

“I didn’t want to tell you until it was all done,” he started. “But now...Everything went wrong, and then I come home and find out they know about Andrew. That’s just so embarrassing, I mean, do they know I was a virgin before I met you? I don’t want them to know that! How can I face them if they think I’m running around on you? I’d never do that! What must they think of me?”

I was relieved to hear him say he hadn’t been running around, but I still didn’t know where he had been. “They love you. They wouldn’t be teasing you if they didn’t. You know that.” He nodded silently and looked down at his feet. “So what went so horribly wrong this afternoon?”

I was late for my endurance test. The car got a flat and by the time I got there they had already begun and I was all flustered. I know I didn’t make a good impression, but they tested me anyways, although they weren’t too happy about having to start someone all on their own. By the time I got done the other guys had been sitting and waiting on me for quite a while.”

“Endurance test?” I asked. “For what?”

He looked into my eyes, clearly needing my approval, and said, “Forest ranger.”

“Forest...You mean you were at some sort of a job interview this afternoon?”

“No. I did the interviews about a week ago. First I filled out the on-line questionnaire, then a phone interview, then an in-person interview, and today was the test for physical endurance. If they accept me I’ll have to do some first responder training and then I can start.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I was so relieved, but immediately started kicking myself for doubting him.

“I don’t know, probably because there has been so much going on and I didn’t want to add more to your plate. Besides, I though it would be cool to tell you when all the uncertainty was out of the way. I guess I just wanted to surprise you.”

“I was worried when I got home and no one knew where you were, and I would not consider it a burden to walk beside you while you pursue something you love. Those are the kinds of things I want to share with you.”

I kissed his forehead and he whispered, “I know. I’m sorry. If the car hadn’t got a flat I wouldn’t have been late getting home. But now...I’ve probably blown any chance I had of getting hired.”

“Don’t worry about that.” I drew him closer and held him tight. “You’ll find something.”

“Not necessarily,” he muttered. “It’s not like there’s another state agency I can apply to to be a forest ranger.”

“Maybe not, but we live in one of the most densely forested states in the country. There must be other jobs out there for a big old tree huger like you.”

He chuckled. “Thanks.” After a moment he added, “I guess I better go apologize to Chad and make sure I didn’t scare Ash. I haven’t blown a gasket like that in years. I hate it when I loose control.”

“It only means you’re human,” I consoled. “I’m sure the kids will be fine. Like I said, they love you.”

“I hope so. I love them too. Why did I get so…?”

“Because no one can push your buttons better than someone you love. They know the real you.”

“I guess.”

A soft knock sounded at the apartment door and I went to answer it. Sylvia had the boys in tow with Helmut bringing up the rear. “Is Ben ok? The boys have something to say to him.”

Ben came into the living room and answered, “Let them in, I’m fine.” He sat on the couch, composed, but still sporting puffy eyes from his crying jag. The boys marched in silently and stood in front of him. Ben spoke first. “Before you say anything, I want to apologize for losing my temper. I shouldn’t have yelled, and I hope you know that no matter how mad I might get, I will never hurt you. Any of you.”

Chad teared up instantly and threw himself at Ben. “I’m sorry too. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I was just fooling. I had no idea…”

Ben wrapped his arms around the boy and held him as he sobbed. “Not to worry. I’m fine.”

Kevin sat next to Ben and also threw his arms around his shoulders. “I’m sorry too. It was really my fault. I’ve always had to be one step ahead of the people around me just to survive. I guess I’ve made a habit of eavesdropping. I won’t do it again. I promise.”

Ben pulled him in and kissed him on the forehead, whispering, “Thank you.”

Only Ash kept his distance. Ben looked at him from the base of the puppy pile that was forming on the couch and said, “I’m sorry if I scared you, Ash. I love you and I will never hurt you. I promise.”

Ash also began to tear up. “I know,” he said, hesitating for a moment before joining the group hug and saying, “I love you too, Ben.”

“Well,” Sylvia said after a moment. “I’d better head back down to the kitchen, especially if we’re having company tonight.”

Ben’s eyes flew open and he looked at me in panic. “Oh my god! I forgot.” He turned to Sylvia and apologized, “I’m so sorry, I just…”

She chuckled, “It’s not the end of the world, you can tell me later.” Then turning to the door she headed down the stairs to finish preparing supper. Half way down she shouted back over her shoulder, “I’m going to need help setting the table. Don’t stay up there too long.”

A few feathers were still a bit ruffled when Evelyn’s son dropped her off for dinner. I went out to meet her alone, and took her on a walk around the grounds so the others could finish setting the table and calming their emotions.

“It looks so different from what I remember.” Evelyn looked up at the three story structure in awe.

“It was probably a ruin when you last saw it.”

“Oh, yes,” she smiled, “But that’s not it. It’s...smaller. Not so imposing.”

I laughed, “I imagine you were quite a bit shorter then. Might that explain it?” I offered her my arm and she actually giggled as I guided her around to the back of the house. But her giggles stopped when she caught sight of the carriage house.

“It’s true,” she whispered in astonishment.

I gave her a moment to take it in, than I patted her arm and coaxed her forward. “Yes,” I said simply. “I saw it happen. What have you heard?”

“Only that…” She reached her hand out in wonder as we approached the building, and I saw a slight tremor as she made contact with a window sill to confirm that it was real. “Only that it somehow didn’t burn down.” She turned her watery eyes to me and pleaded, “I don’t understand.”

“No one does,” I reassured her. “Just...consider it a gift.”

“A gift? What do you mean?”

I smiled at her. “I don’t know about you, but there have been so many things I’ve done in my life that I wish I could undo or do differently.”

“Oh, you’re too young to have any real regrets

“I’m old enough,” I said with a chuckle. “But you actually got a second chance. A real second chance. A chance to be free of something you would otherwise regret for the rest of your life. I’d call that a gift.”

“The results of my actions may have been undone, but I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forgive myself.”

I wasn’t sure what to say. I had already given her all the forgiveness I could, but I could do nothing to assuage her own feelings of regret and guilt. “I’m glad to see that you feel guilty about the whole thing,” I offered.

She looked up in surprise. “Why? That doesn’t seem like you.”

“Guilt is a healthy response to hurting, or attempting to hurt others. It proves you have a conscience. If you didn’t feel guilt...Well, the spirit that made you set the fire felt no guilt, did he?”

She shook her head, “None whatsoever.”

“And he had no qualms about potentially sending you to prison for arson, or driving you to attempt suicide, either. No, I’m glad to see that you feel guilty, it proves to me that you are a decent human being.” I began leading her away from the carriage house, giving us some distance from the concrete reminder of her actions. “Only sociopaths feel no guilt. I know it’s not a pleasant feeling, but be thankful for it. It can help you make better choices in the future.”

We walked in silence for a moment as she considered these words. “Have you ever considered going into the ministry?” She finally ventured. “You have such a...I don’t know, you just seem to know the right thing to say.”

I laughed out loud. “I don’t think your church would have me,” I said with a twinkle in my eye.

She leaned in conspiratorially and confided, “There are other churches, you know.”