The Hathaway

A Day Away

We decided to follow Sylvia’s lead and get away for the afternoon. Without giving the kids a chance to harass us for having a nooner, we made sandwiches and slipped out for a picnic by the sea. After that we just drove around, stopping at various antique galleries and small tourist shops, with the goal of arriving at the largest tourist town in the area in time for dinner. It was a relaxing way to start the weekend, and we both needed it after the long week behind us. After dinner we took a stroll along the water’s edge as the sun began to slowly set. There was still enough light for Ben to engage in one of his favorite pastimes at the water’s edge, searching for sea-glass. He had a handful of the small gems by the time we returned to our car and added them to his ever growing collection which he kept in a jar in one of the extra cup holders.

“What are you going to do with those?” I asked in amusement.

“Just keep them,” he replied. “Why do I have to do anything with them? Can’t I just like them as they are? I think they’re pretty.”

I smiled to myself. My fascination with history had trained me to think in a linear fashion. One thing led to another. There were causes and effects, reasons behind things. There was always a why. He had much more of an artist’s sensibility. He took things as he found them and needed no reason. His background in biology was scientific, but he seemed to approach it as an explanation of how, and didn’t really need the why. For him it was enough just that it was. I was more focused on understanding things, while he was more focused on appreciating them. We seemed to complement each other nicely in this.

We held hands for much of the drive home, and sometimes let our hands stray to each others’ leg, never quite resorting to full fledged groping. Ben found driving in the dark to be quite hypnotic and soon he was dozing in the passenger’s seat while I navigated through the various small coastal towns, heading for home. I decided to stop for a moment at the overlook, a parking area that offered a clear view of our little town, from the waterfront, up the gently rising hills to the forest primeval that seemed to offer infinite possibility beyond.

It was getting late and most of the waterfront businesses were closed by now. A few neon signs were visible in darkened windows, but most of the lights were coming from second and third floor apartment windows above the storefronts. The streetlights and a few spotlights allowed the overall layout of the downtown to be marginally perceivable, and the glow of the college campus sparkled through the trees fairly high up in the hills on one side of the town. Otherwise the darkness of the forest was only occasionally punctuated with faint lights from second story bedrooms.

I looked for the Hathaway, but already knew that it was not really visible from this vantage point. Looking in that direction, though, I caught a glimpse of an open flame. I thought one of the neighbors must be having a bonfire and wondered who it might be. It wasn’t really a good idea right now, it had been hot and dry and even a small blaze could easily get out of hand. As I sat in the silence and watched, I realized that the scale was all wrong. A bonfire would be quite a bit smaller from this distance. What I could see was something much larger, a forest fire or maybe even a structure fire.

Just as I noticed a parade of small flashing red lights winding their way through the trees, my phone rang. Ben startled awake as I answered it. The voice of a panicked night supervisor didn’t wait for me to say hello. “Joey, where are you? The carriage house is on fire. You need to get here right now!”

“I’m on my way.” I started the car as he spoke. “We’re up at the outlook, Probably about ten or fifteen minutes.”

“What is it?” Even though he wasn’t really awake yet Ben could tell something was wrong.

“And Joey…” The night supervisor hesitated before adding, “...We can’t find Helmut.”

I explained to Ben as I raced towards town. “Oh my god! Did they check his room?”

“I’m sure they did,” I answered, but I wasn’t ever sure of what I was saying or doing. I was in a panic. Despite the lack of an occupancy certificate, I knew Helmut had been spending an awful lot of time in the space. I didn’t want to think that...No! I couldn’t face that. Not unless I had to. As I reached the edge of town I had a thought and swerved in a direction that led away from the Hathaway.

“What are you doing?” Ben shouted. “That way!”

“No! I have an idea.” It was only a couple of blocks before I roared into the driveway of the boarding house. Helmut’s truck was parked behind one of the new tenant’s cars, which gave me hope, but I knew it had been parked there for a couple of days, so I still needed to check. I didn’t even turn the car off, but jumped out and raced to the door. It was open. I ran in shouting, “Helmut! Are you here?” I headed straight to the his room on the first floor, then checked the bathroom shouting the whole time. By now everyone in the house was heading down the stairs to see what was going on.

Miss M. had changed into a nightdress and had replaced her wig with a simple turban. She came charging through the others, waving a baseball bat, ready for a confrontation. “What’s going on? Who’s making all this noise?”

“Is Helmut here?” I was begging. “Please tell me he’s here!”

She stopped in her tracks, seeing the urgency in my face. “What’s happened?”

I couldn’t bring myself to speak and just looked at her as the tears welled up in my eyes.

At that point Ben finally made it in and she turned to him, “What’s going on?”

He caught his breath and said, “The carriage house is on fire and they can’t find Helmut”

I could see her stiffen at this as she breathed, “God, no.”

Andi sprung into action. “Ben, take Joey and get out there as quick as you can.” Then turning to Miss M. she gently took her hand and said, “Let’s get you dressed, come on.” She led Miss M. up the stairs as Ben ushered me out to the car. He put me in the passengers seat and ran around to drive. The engine was still running and we made it to the Hathaway in record time.

We could see the glow of the red firetruck lights dancing in the trees well before we entered the driveway. A number of neighbors had walked over to watch the spectacle and we had to navigate through a bit of foot traffic before we finally reached the main building. As we turned the corner of the building and the carriage house came into view, we were horrified. It was a two and a half story structure and it was fully engulfed in flames from the ground up.

Suddenly we were surrounded by the kids, all of whom were in tears. Ben and I embraced them in a long group hug, then I saw the supervisor standing to one side, waiting to give me a report. I had to admit I couldn’t remember his name, there had been so many names to remember over the last two weeks, but right now that seemed trivial. “Ben, take the kids inside, I’ll find out what I can.” He nodded and led them off as I faced the nameless supervisor. “Tell me everything.’

About ten minutes later Andi and Mr. Phipps showed up. By then I had learned what I could from both the supervisor and the fire chief, which wasn’t much. Mr. P. ran up to me as soon as he saw me, grabbed me by the shoulders with a surprisingly firm grip, and asked, “What news?”

“Nothing yet,” I reported. “There’s still no sign of Helmut. They searched his room but it was empty except for his bed. They have not been able to enter the carriage house yet to check if he’s there. The fire was already too intense by the time they arrived. They expect the building to be a total loss. Right now they are focusing on preventing the main building from catching fire from the flying embers.”

It took him a moment to take it all in. I saw him take a deep breath as he struggled to stay in control of his emotions. Then he asked, “Where are the children? Are they alright?”

“They are very upset but safe, Ben has them inside.” At that point the fears and anxiety got the better of me. “Oh Phil…” I wrapped my arms around his neck, buried my face on his shoulder, and began sobbing.

“I know...I know.” he wrapped his arms around me and allowed his tears to flow freely as well. We held each other for a long moment before he withdrew. “Well, aren’t we a sight?” he laughed. “A couple of sobbing queens ready to go into hysterics.” He wiped his eyes and continued, “A lot of good this is doing. We have babies to take care of. Besides, there’s nothing we can do out here.” Pulling himself to his full height, he took my arm and led me to the kitchen.

We were greeted by a chorus of young voices asking multiple questions at once. Ben and the supervisor managed to calm them down enough so I could speak. “We still don’t know anything yet,” I began, but Kevin couldn’t control himself.

“He can’t be in there! He just can’t!” His fear and grief were coming out as anger, and it was so strong even the social worker didn’t quite know how to handle it. I knew the depth of connection he had with Helmut and understood how devastating this must be for him.

I also knew that only Ben and I understood this. I turned to Phil and asked, “Can you hold down the fort?” He nodded, so I grabbed Ben and Kevin and headed for the rec room. Kevin protested and lashed out, struggling to break free. I understood how alone he must feel at the thought of losing the first person he had trusted, maybe in his entire life. He needed to know he was not alone, and he needed to know it in a tangible way. I stood in the middle of the room and drew him into a bear hug. He continued to struggle, but I knew he wasn’t trying to get away from me, rather he was lashing out at an unfeeling universe. As I held him, his protests began to morph into non-verbal wails of anguish, and his blows turned into grasping. Ben positioned himself on the other side of him and wrapped his arms around the both of us. Kevin’s loud cries slowly diminished into uncontrollable sobs as we held him secure in the love he so needed. After a few minutes, I could feel his body relaxing and his breathing growing more steady. Finally he put his arms around me and looked up, uttering a single tearful, “Why?”

Through my own tears I managed to offer, “I don’t know, honey. I just don’t know.”

When we returned to the kitchen we were all numb from the release of such strong emotions. I was amazed to see everyone busily preparing food and beverages. I knew that all the kids were upset, but at the moment they seemed to be too distracted by the tasks at hand to be feeling it much. “What’s all this?” I asked.

Phil spun around from the coffee pot and walked briskly over to us, placing a hand on Kevin’s cheek and asking, “How are you sweety?”

He took a deep breath and looked up at me, “Ok, I guess.”

Phil kissed the top of his head and said, “It’s ok if you’re not ok too.” Then giving me a wink, he led Kevin over to one of the counters and said, “Why don’t you help Chad? He can show you what to do.” Phil then returned to the coffee pot, but as he worked with it he turned to me and said, “We’re making coffee and snacks for the firefighters. They’re going to be here all night and I’m sure they would appreciate some sustenance, especially if it involves caffeine.”

Ben put his arm around my shoulder and whispered, “Amazing. He’s keeping them all busy so they don’t get overwhelmed by their emotions.”

“I see,” I whispered back. “But there’s more.”

“What?” he asked.

“He’s distracting himself as well, by focusing on the kids’ needs. He’s probably as upset as Keven, maybe even more.” I turned to Ben and confided, “He was barely able to hold himself together outside. He’s going to be a wreck in the morning.”

“We all are, Babe, and like he said, it’s ok to not be ok.” He leaned over and kissed my forehead.

I noticed That Kevin was watching us and waited for the inevitable sarcastic remark, but it never came. Instead, he managed a brief smile before looking down and returning to his task.

I considered this and thought it was a good sign, that maybe he was beginning to relax into the community on a deep level, that maybe he really was learning to trust us. My thoughts were interrupted by a sudden squeeze of my hand. Ben was looking at me with big eyes, then he turned his attention to Sabina. She was working by herself at the table, putting cookies in a basket, and she seemed to be engrossed in a quiet, but intense, conversation. I could just make out some of her words. “But why?...does he...No, they won’t...how do you...Helmut...find out?”

She finally looked directly at me and asked, “Do you know someone named…”

At that moment Andi stuck her head in the door, and Ben joined them both as they all muttered the name, “Maggie,” In unison.