The Families in Rossford
THE CHRISTMAS PARTY
CONCLUSION
“I just never really learned to make sensible decisions,” Sean told Kenny. They were sitting by the living room window.
“I have been all about romance, and romance is nice, but it’s not the real thing. People act like it’s what matters. Me and Chad had romance, and it was hot and crazy until it tore his world apart. I said it tore my world apart, but it didn’t. Not really. I didn’t have much of a world to ruin.
“My Uncle Frank, he used to be the priest at Saint Agatha’s, but he died a while ago. I remember I told him how sorry I was for what I did to Brian. He told me I wasn’t, not really. But that one day… when I finally grew up, I would be. When I realized what I had done.
“I thought he was crazy,” Sean said. “I continued on with Chad until that was through, and then I didn’t have him or my family, really. I was drifting and out of place. Drifting in style, mind you, the way very middle class people with higher degrees do, but I was drifting. And I had been like that for a long time before I finally realized how much I had lost. And how much I had taken. My Uncle Frank was dead when I understood it, and I wished I could have told him. But I couldn’t tell anyone.”
Sean looked up at Kenny and said, “I am talking too much, and not listening at all.”
“Sometimes it’s nice to be the one who listens,” Kenny said. “I mean, for me, it’s nice. Please keep on.”
“I can’t imagine you do anything but listen,” Sean said.
“Whaddo you mean?”
“You just seem like the kind of person who would put yourself second.”
“Eventually, with Brendan, I did. I became the housewife. Now, I’m the house friend.”
“Ouch. That’s too bad.”
“It’s just that Bren has so much more going on in his life than me. He’s an attorney and works as an advocate and… I don’t want to make it sound like he made me a housewife. He’s always wanted the best for me. I have been happy to support him. Happy to put him first. I still am. And he always put me first. Only… well, the truth is I’ve been so into Brendan’s life story for so long that mine had kind of taken a backseat.”
“Well, what is your story?” Sean said. “Maybe you could tell me.”
“Failed artist,” Kenny said. “That is my story.”
Sean shook his head. “Every artist is a failed artist.”
“What about the ones getting paid? What about you? Aren’t you an organist or something? Church musician?”
“Yes,” Sean said. “I smile and sing for Jesus and don’t give a shit about him, which is less than either he or I deserve.”
They sat side by side and Kenny was sure that Sean was pushing his thigh into his.
“What do you want more than anything else, Kenny?”
“Right now?” Kenny said. “I want to go back to my house and have sex with you.”
“That could be arranged.”
“But that seems like a horrible misuse of our… Chad would say nascent… relationship.”
“Nascent,” Sean smiled and murmured. “Don’t get to use that word often.”
“In fact,” Kenny said, standing up, “I’m definitely not going to bed with you, so I should probably stretch my legs.”
Sean reached out and caught Kenny’s hand.
“Yes.”
“My curly auburn haired prince—”
“Really?” said Kenny
“How do I find you again?”
Kenneth McGrath grinned down at him and said, “It’s a really, really small city and, as you said, I am a curly auburn haired prince, so…. You’ll find me pretty easily.”
“Hey.”
“Hey.”
“Look,” Dylan said, sitting down on his bed and regretting that his room, the scene of so many crimes, was the only place he could talk to Ruthven in private.
“I should have said thank you for coming. I forgot my manners.”
“That’s alright,” Ruthven said, standing up.
“No, it isn’t,” Dylan disagreed. “And we’re family, whatever we are. You’ve been in my life a long time.”
Ruthven nodded. He said, “Dylan, you were always a little smarter, a little more together than me.”
“I’m three years younger than you.”
“That doesn’t seem to matter,” he said.
“So, are you with Lance now?”
“I’m not with anybody now,” Dylan said. “I did a really stupid thing. I’ve been crawling in and out of bed with someone since I was a kid. They say things like that make you a slut or whatever.” Dylan shook his head. “They make you half a person, because you don’t know how to be alone. I’ve always had to have somebody, some drama. I didn’t break up with you for Lance. I did it because I had never been alone.”
“I thought you did it so you could sleep around.”
Dylan couldn’t tell if Ruthven was joking with him, and he really didn’t want to ask.
“Well, are you still sleeping around?”
“That’s the second time you’ve said that in one minute.”
“Cause I know you.”
“I know you too, a little,” Dylan said. He was about to remind him of a night in California when they’d gone back with his much older friends and spent the night in something like an orgy. But that was a thing they never discussed, and he couldn’t open his mouth to form those words in his father’s house. That was a secret buried deep inside of him, and he’d never told anyone, not even Laurel, about it.
“I wasn’t trying to piss you off, Dyl. God. It’s just you always had a way with the boys. And the men. And you are good looking. So…”
Dylan sighed and said, “If you’re asking if I’ve been celibate since we broke up, then no.”
“Oh, well, I knew that,” Ruthven said, reminding Dylan of exactly why they weren’t together. “But you and Lance?”
“You wanna know if I’m fucking him?”
“Well, are you?”
Dylan frowned at him. Then he said, “Are you asking because you’re curious, or asking because you thought you’d fuck me while you were here?”
“Well, we were together. We have been together. You used to think I was the best you ever had.”
Dylan wanted to say that at the time Ruthven was the only man he’d ever been with. His experience had been Lance, still very much a boy. Later his curiosity had led him to affairs with grown men, much too old. Ruthven would have, by necessity, been the best he’d ever had. Lance was a grown man now, and what was more, a man who had grown with him. Dylan had never himself felt like a grown man until the same time Lance had, so they discovered adult friendship and adult love together. What was between them was so different from what Dylan had shared with Ruthven.
“Lance is grown now.”
“Yeah,” Ruthven said, sourly. “I bet now he really is fun to fuck.”
Tiredly, Dylan said, “If you wanna be reductionist about it, sure.”
“You love him?”
“Yes.”
“Is he staying here tonight?”
“Probably.” Then Dylan added, “Definitely.”
“With your Dad’s blessings, no doubt.”
Dylan didn’t say anything to this.
“Damn, I remember when you despised Lance Bishop—”
“I never despised Lance—”
“You left him for me, and now, even though you won’t admit it, you left me for him. I get it. He turned out hot. Hell, I’d fuck him too except I think we probably hate each other. Well,” Ruthven stood up, “you two have fun with that.”
“Hey,” Dylan said. “This whole thing would have been taken care of much faster if you had just said, from the beginning, ‘Dylan, can I fuck you tonight?’”
“Well,” Ruthven came back to the bed, where Dylan sat. He leaned into his ear until his lips touched Dylan, and the soft roughness of his little beard stroked Dylan’s neck.
“Can I fuck you?”
He hated how Ruthven could make his body respond. He hated that part of him yearned—yes, this stretching, this hardening was what the word yearn must mean—to say yes.
Dylan looked at him.
“No.”
“Oh, I’m so sorry, man.”
“That’s alright.”
“Let me clean that up for you.”
“Never mind,” Kenny said. “I got it.”
He wiped up the punch, dabbing at his sweat jacket and said, “That’s why I always wear something over my good clothes when I go to a party.”
Ruthven laughed and shrugged, He had on a tee shirt over a long sleeve and said, “That’s why I never wear good clothes.”
“You look like a deeply distracted soul.”
“I am a deeply angered soul.” Ruthven said, frankly.
“About?”
“That was out of place,” Ruthven said. “I shouldn’t have… I need better manners.”
Kenny shrugged and said, “You were just saying what was on your mind.”
“My ex boyfriend is on my mind. It’s like things work out for one day, and then the next day you’re split up and how the hell did you get here?”
“I know exactly what you mean?” Kenny said.
“You do?”
“Exactly. I’m a little distracted. My ex is here and so is the man who’s trying to bone me.”
“Get out! Do they know each other?”
“I don’t think so, and I just met this one tonight.”
“Well, hell yeah!” Ruthven toasted him.
“Hell, no. I think he’s a bad idea.”
“Why?”
“Cause I’ll fall in love with him.
“Say…” Kenny snapped his fingers. “I know you.”
“You know Todd Meradan?”
“Of course.”
“I’m his nephew.”
“Oh, alright. You’re Ruthven. Your ex… Dylan?”
“Right?”
“Wow, that was a whole relationship that wasn’t supposed to happen. That was a lot of drama.”
“And now it turns out very unnecessary drama. Crap that didn’t even need to happen.”
Kenny shook his head.
“Sometimes I wonder if any of it needs to happen.”
Dylan, I love you. I want you to know that. I don’t think I say it unless we’re in bed together or half asleep, but I do love you. I never stopped. When I’m gone from you I wait for your calls and your letters and when I’m back in town I hate being away from you.
Why’d that son of a bitch have to come tonight? I wish I could punch him in the fucking face, but instead I say, “Go be with him. Go talk to him. I’ll be back.”
Because I’m afraid. I remember what I was like when I was desperate, what we both were like. You said claustrophobic. You were right, that’s exactly what it was. And I remember that day… I can’t think about it, but I can’t stop thinking about it. What happened? What we did to each other. What I did to you. It makes me not trust myself, not trust being angry. I’m so afraid that monster will come out again. I’m so afraid I’ll never get away from him, or that when we’re together, when we’re making love, when it’s intense, then that demon will come agaian. And now look at me, look at you. If we ever slipped into that place again who knows what would happen? I’m too big, too strong, too out of control. I don’t ever want to be out of control like that again.
When it happened, all those years ago, when I knew what I had done I felt so sick. So dirty. There are moments now, years later, when the day is bright and everything seems so beautiful, and then I slip into that darkness. I’m in that day again where I did what I did. I want to die.
So that’s why I’m careful with us. That’s why I walked away tonight and won’t come back until after midnight. That’s why I keep my distance, always try to check my emotions, my lust. That’s why I always whisper, “Are you okay? Are you alright?” when we make love.
That’s why we can be friends, friends who sleep in the same bed, but why I would never be your boyfriend again, not in a million years, Dylan Mesda.