Pride, Prejudice, and Porn

Part 5

As usual, things were in an absolute tizzy here in Hartfield County during the couple of weeks preceding the Historical Society Ball, with everyone getting their outfits ready and planning the traditional pre- and post-ball parties. The Ball is the premier annual social event in the County, so the cream of local society had more than enough to do. The ball was to be on a Saturday night at the Hartfield Riding Club and by the preceding Monday an upsetting rumor started circulating that Chuck was flying down an entire planeload of friends for the ball — at least a dozen women and four or five men. That would certainly cause problems finding enough male partners for dancers! Things calmed down by midweek when the number of out-of-towners was revised downward by at least half, according to at least one unreliable source. When the night of the ball came and the Bingham party made its appearance it turned out to consist only of Chuck Bingham, his sister Caroline, his other sister Bitsy, Bitsy’s entirely forgettable husband whose name I can never recall, and Chuck’s best friend, the grandiosely named Fitzwilliam Darcy. 

The Bennetts and other locals all arrived at the Riding Club right on time. The club entrance and interior were decorated with thousands of twinkling white lights. Inside, the club ballroom was masses of white blossoms and more of the twinkling lights. It was actually stunning and in exceptionally good taste. Points scored for Elinor and her ball committee! The tables surrounding the dance floor were packed with the upper crust of Hartfield County society, all in their finery and looking surprisingly chic. A lot of the folks we see everyday around the County wearing overalls and driving mud-splattered pick-up trucks clean up real nice! 

Along one wall, near the bar, stood about a dozen handsome, strapping young Marine officers from the nearby Air Station. In their dress uniforms they were certainly eye-catching. The Marines were traditionally invited to squire around the unaccompanied widows, spinsters and divorcées so everyone got a chance to dance and not be left alone as a wallflower.

I’m only human. I found myself staring at the hunky Marines along with many others in the crowd. This year’s crop seemed exceptionally attractive! As I continued looking around the room, though, I saw that my younger sisters, the Three Twits, had somehow snagged a table close to where the Marines were standing. Mom and Dad were sitting at a different table far across the dance floor with our Aunt Susan and her husband and their friends the Lewises. Even though the evening was very young my sisters seemed unusually hyperactive and I began to wonder if they had managed to get served alcohol, in spite of being minors. Fourteen year old Linda, in particular, can pass for much older so maybe she had bought drinks for the others? Linda, with her tall, buxom, mature figure is already a cheerleader, so I’m sure she can get her hands on stuff if she wants it and Linda has no scruples. As we know, she’s only interested in clothes, boys, and parties, and here, united, were all three. I knew I’d have to keep an eye on her and the other two girls.

The band struck up the first dance with no sign yet of the Bingham party. I had no doubt they were coming, but it also dawned on me that Caroline would be determined that they make a very grand entrance when they arrived. Sure enough, after only a couple of dances the music mysteriously died down as a spotlight shone on the entrance to the ballroom. In the doorway at the top of the stairs appeared Caroline, dressed to kill in something Prada and more jewelry than has been seen in Hartfield County since an eons-ago visit by Queen Marie of Romania! I half-expected Caroline to appear swathed head-to-toe in Dalmatian pelts! On her left was her older sister Bitsy, in an expensive but oddly frumpy gown, and to Bitsy’s left was the forgettable husband in an ill-fitting wrinkled tuxedo that he must have borrowed from Donald Trump. On Caroline’s right stood her brother Chuck, in the most drop-dead elegant evening clothes I’ve ever seen. As beautiful as Chuck is, and in that outfit, you’d expect a mob of paparazzi for all the fashion and society magazines to start flashing away, but no. Not out here in the sticks. The Binghams just stood there at the top of the stairs, looking dazzling and letting the lumpen of Hartfield County take it all in. I couldn’t help wondering who Caroline bribed to organize this Hollywood spectacle!

Behind the Binghams, though, stood what seemed to be, at first glance, the Incredible Hulk. Impossibly tall, massively built and wearing elegant evening clothes, too, it was difficult to see his face clearly because of the glare from the damned spotlight. I thought I saw a rugged, chiseled face with Superman features and an intriguing five-o’clock shadow. This had to be Chuck’s friend, Darcy. The stunned silence of the crowd began to diminish as everyone began talking at once and the band started up a new tune. Caroline couldn’t have staged her grand entrance more perfectly! The Bingham party started down the stairs to the ballroom main floor and I saw the Hulk duck his head down to pass through the French doors without banging it on the door frame. I felt kind of dizzy momentarily! 

I’d never experienced that before so I went to sit down by Jamie, who was sitting at the same table as I was. “Who the fuck is that, Jamie?” I gasped. 

“Izzy, what’s the matter? You’re out of breath!” he replied. 

“I don’t know! Just as the Binghams came into the room I felt light-headed and realized I was panting. That’s why I came over to sit down.” 

Jamie looked at me closely. “Izzy, you’re hyperventilating. Sit here a bit to see if it passes. If you’re still feeling dizzy after a few more minutes we’ll have to find you a paper bag to breathe into. That usually fixes it.”

“So who’s the Incredible Hulk?” 

“That’s Chuck’s best friend, Fitzwilliam Darcy. I knew beforehand that he’s a big guy, but I didn’t realize just how big! 6’10” and almost 300 pounds! He’d be playing for the NFL if he weren’t a mega-billionaire!” 

“WHAT?”

“Yep. Fitzwilliam is an old family name that apparently gets passed down generation after generation to the oldest male descendants. The Darcy family founded DarCo. You know, the chemical and pharmaceutical giant? The Darcys keep a very low profile and the company is privately held by the family, so they’re rarely in the news. But if you think the Binghams are rich, wait till you know more about the Darcys! We’re talking Warren Buffett or Jeff Bezos billions! But “old” money. By comparison the Binghams are standing in a food stamp line!”

“Oh, boy,” I said. “Just wait ’til the word gets out around here! Every matchmaking momma is going to be besieging him with their darling daughters!”

“They’ll be disappointed, then. Darcy plays for our team.” I felt an odd tightening in my chest. Maybe I should look for that paper bag?

“I wonder how Chuck knows him?”

“I haven’t had a chance to ask him. But there seems to be a kind of worldwide Billionaire Gay Boys Club so they all know each other. There aren’t that many of them, after all.” 

“Well, I guess we’ll find out soon enough. Aren’t you getting together with Chuck after the ball? You can find out then.”

“That’s the plan, but we’ll have to see how the evening plays out.”

Jamie gazed longingly across the dance floor to where Chuck was sitting. Jamie’s always gorgeous, but he looked spectacular tonight decked out in his evening wear. If he weren’t my big brother I’ve seen all my life I’m sure I’d be staring at him, too, with my jaw dragging on the floor! 

Don’t tell anybody, this is a state secret, but we’d found Jamie an ultra-marked-down Armani tux at a Marshall’s in Louisville. There’s plenty you can say about Mom, but there’s no denying that she’s a demon bargain shopper. With five kids to dress you have to be! With a snip-snip here and a snip-snip there my beautiful big brother looked like a million dollars. Of course, Jamie could stop traffic wearing only sackcloth and ashes, but in this outfit he was utterly stunning and I could see Chuck staring back at him with a deer-in-the-headlights expression. Soon Chuck came over to our table and asked “Can I have this next dance, Mr. Bennett?” 

“Oh, boy! Are you ready for the commotion that’ll cause?” Jamie asked.

“Maybe it won’t be that much. It’s hardly a secret we’re gay and we haven’t heard practically anything about it. And I’m sure nobody in this crowd is likely to say anything! C’mon, let’s dance. What’s the point of being out if we still act like we’re in the closet?”

“You’re right, let’s do it,” said Jamie, just as the band slid into a sultry slow dance.

“Oh, yeah,” said Chuck. “C’mon, you beautiful man. This is our cue!”

Jamie stood up, giving Chuck the full effect in the Armani tux, and Chuck went adorably slack-jawed. Not that Chuck didn’t look breathtaking, himself. 

Chuck took Jamie’s hand and led him out on the dance floor. I could hear a murmur in the room but it soon ceased. I looked around and saw more than a few people staring mistily at these two gorgeous young men dancing together cheek-to-cheek. Soon there were other couples on the floor and I lost sight of Chuck and Jamie in the crowd of dancers.

When the dance ended Chuck and Jamie came back and sat down at our table as the band launched into a classic rock number. 

“Uh, oh,” I said. “Trouble in Tahiti!” Linda and Karen were on the floor with a couple of the hunky Marines. From their movements I suspected the girls were already sloshed and the evening was still young. I nudged Jamie and said, “Keep an eye on them. I’m going to talk to Mom and Dad. We don’t need our floozy sisters making us the talk of the town by making a spectacle of themselves on the dance floor at the Historical Society Ball! It may be time for them to go home.”

I walked around the room to where our parents were sitting. They were only a couple of tables away from the Binghams, and I got a better look at the Hulk as I passed them. I don’t think he noticed, but I suddenly realized I was having a deer-in-the-headlights moment of my own. Once again I was barely able to breathe. Darcy was huge, but he definitely wasn’t The Hulk. For starters, he wasn’t green. Nor lumpy. He looked to be around 30 (he’s actually 23 but his size and the five-o’clock-shadow make him look older) and ruggedly handsome. His dark hair is a bit wavy and he has piercing dark eyes. He resembles Christopher Reeve, the late actor who played Superman. His features are laser-sharp and his jaw looks like it was sculptured from steel. A wayward curl dropping onto his forehead completed the Superman look while slightly softening his face and making him look a little less severe.

I suddenly saw Linda dance by with another big Marine and, close-up, it was obvious she was drunk or high, or both. I snapped out of it and continued over to my parents’ table to ask what we should do. As I approached I could hear Mom talking very audibly to Aunt Susan in her outdoors voice about how wonderful it is that Jamie and Chuck seem to be so taken with each other and what a handsome couple they make and whether we might not be having Hartfield County’s first same-sex society wedding soon. Mom was talking loudly enough that, even over the music, she could be heard clearly at the Bingham table, where I suddenly noticed that both Caroline and Darcy were listening closely to Mom’s conversation. 

“Mom, Dad, we need to talk now,” I said. “What should we do about Linda and the twins? Linda for sure is drunk. If we don’t get her home soon she’s going to do something embarrassing! That’ll sure make us laughingstocks!” 

“OK, son, I’ll go over and talk to them,” Dad responded. “Linda may not be as drunk as you think, but if she is and embarrasses herself in public it could be just the lesson she needs to get her to clean up her act.” Before I could say I didn’t think laissez-faire was the best child-rearing approach he got up and walked off towards the table near the Marines where the girls had been sitting. 

This was suddenly becoming the Ball from Hell! I was about to go back to my table when I saw Chuck, holding a mint julep cup, weaving up to the Bingham table where Caroline and Darcy were still sitting. Chuck seemed slightly unsteady himself. “Hey, Fitz!” I heard him say. “Why aren’t you dancing?” 

“Chuck, you know I don’t like to dance with strangers in unfamiliar places. Especially when you know damn well that when I’m dancing I look like one of those huge inflatables with the flailing arms they have at every car wash and used car lot! Plus I take up half the dance floor, which is also pretty embarrassing! Everyone ends up staring!” 

“C’mon, Fitz, give me a break. You dance perfectly well. I’ve seen you, you’re fine.”

“Well, you may think so, but I’m really uncomfortable asking someone I don’t know to dance and, anyway, I haven’t seen anyone here I’d want to ask. You’re monopolizing the best-looking guy in the room!”

“For Chrissakes, Fitz, there are plenty of attractive people here! You could probably get one of those hot Marines out on the dance floor, even if they’re straight! Don’t ask, don’t tell is over!” 

Darcy stared at Chuck like he was crazy.

“Fitz, look! That’s Jamie’s brother standing over there a couple of tables away. See him? He’s gay, really smart, and super cute. I’m sure he’d dance if you ask him.” 

“Sorry, Chuck. He’s not really attractive enough to make it worth my while. Not to mention, he’s a Munchkin?  Like I said, you’ve nabbed the hottest guy here. Go back and dance with him and leave me here sulking by myself. I appreciate your trying, but it’s not my thing.” 

Chuck shrugged in resignation and headed back towards the table where Jamie was sitting. I could see Dad lecturing Linda a bit farther away. 

“Not attractive enough? Munchkin?” I fumed to myself! “Has he looked at himself in a mirror? He’s fucking Godzilla!”

I looked back towards the Binghams’ table and saw Darcy and Caroline huddled together talking in a low voice. From the expression on Caroline’s face I knew she was up to no good, but I still wasn’t sure what was going on. I just had a bad feeling that it had something to do with everything they’d overheard from Mom and Aunt Susan and, if that was the case, it might somehow end up hurting Jamie. Even from minimal observation I could tell that Darcy is very strong-minded and seems to dominate Chuck, and Caroline is definitely plotting something. I don’t have a real high opinion of Caroline’s actual abilities, but Chuck is such a sweetheart that he’s very likely to agree to something Caroline and Darcy suggest merely to avoid conflict with his sister and best friend. But that could leave my sweet beloved brother twisting slowly in the wind. I didn’t know what to do and I knew I was only speculating, but I realized I was going to have to stay on the alert to protect Jamie and myself. 

Just as I got back to my table I glanced towards the one where the girls were sitting and saw Linda suddenly upchucking on one of the Marines, who looked like he’d been trying to hold her up so she wouldn’t keel over. ”Ewww! Shit!” I could hear him cursing. I saw the flashes of cell phone cameras. Jeebus Bleeping Kreist! I wondered what the dry cleaning bill for that dress uniform is gonna be? Can you even dry clean all those ribbons and medals? Tomorrow nobody is going to be talking about the two gay guys dancing. It’s all going to be about the drunken Linda Bennett as soon as those photos go viral! And at Norwood, at least between Darcy and Caroline, it’s also going to include everything they overheard about wedding bells for Chuck and Jamie. Then there was Darcy’s remark about my not being attractive enough to dance with when he doesn’t know me from Adam, as well as the Munchkin crack, all while I was having these weird reactions to him. That was going to make future visits to Norwood really uncomfortable as long as Darcy was still there visiting Chuck. 

The Historical Society Ball sure enough had turned into the Ball from Hell!

Part 6 

A few days later I got corralled into driving the Three Twits into town. As usual, they were bored at home and shopping is one of their few diversions. They had totally gotten on Mom’s nerves by quarreling and fighting all morning and she told me to take them to Marysville because they’d worn her nerves to a frazzle and she had to spend the afternoon resting! Which consists of perching up in bed with her latest bodice-ripper romance novel and sipping her favorite remedy of hot tea strongly laced with bourbon. 

Marysville isn’t large, but because Hartfield County is fairly upscale horse country with a bit of a tourist trade it has a really cute downtown with some nice boutiques, coffee shops, and a few trying-to-be-trendy bistros. The Twits particularly like it because it’s also a hang out for the off-duty Marines that Linda, especially, is constantly snuffling around. The Marines are older than their jock friends at school and that seems to appeal to her. Linda and Karen had gotten to know several of them and kept trying to bump into them in town on Commercial Street. While Maria nerded out in Pete’s Coffee with one of her books and a large latte, Linda and Karen would be pitching woo at whatever  Marine hunks were available down the street at some place like Burger Barn. 

The Twits and I had been wandering in and out of the shops for nearly 40 minutes and I was grinding my teeth in irritation. We were standing in front of Harrison’s Emporium deciding whether to go in when I heard a loud squeal from Linda. I turned around to see her waving frantically at a small gaggle of Marines standing across the street by the entrance to Pete’s. 

“Jeebus, here we go again!” I thought as Linda hurriedly jaywalked across Commercial in pursuit of the Marines. Nevertheless, I followed with the other Twits in tow. I was chaperone and determined to keep an eye on Linda after her star turn at the Historical Society Ball on Saturday night. I couldn’t believe the Marines would want her anywhere around them after she barfed all over one of them, but if they did, well, at least they were eye candy for me. A couple of the Marines were guys Linda had already dated (although the poor schmuck she hurled on wasn’t present today) but I could see her making side eyes at a real looker who must have been a new arrival at the Air Station. Linda turned to him and brazenly said “Hi, I’m Linda. You’re new here, aren’t you, stud?” Subtlety definitely being Linda’s strong suit. I felt my face burning as the hunk responded, “Yes. I just got transferred here. I’m David. David Wickman.” 

The other Marines were hot and hunky but Wickman outshone them by being taller and even better looking. I thought Wickman was staring at my buxom sister’s tits but then I thought I was getting a sneaked look from him. Was I misreading this? We continued standing in front of Pete’s debating whether to go in or walk down the street for something more substantial at Burger Barn. Just then I saw a big new Mercedes SUV coming down the street. It slowed as it reached us and Chuck’s head poked out the passenger side window. Darcy was driving. 

“Hey, Izzy,” said Chuck. “How’re you guys doing? I’m just showing Fitz around town.”

“Cool. Jamie’s home helping out this afternoon.” I rolled my eyes toward the girls. “I’m stuck chauffeuring the Twits. They were making everybody crazy and I got roped into driving them into town. We’re just talking about whether to go to Burger Barn.”

By now Chuck knew the nickname Jamie and I had for the girls. “Girls,” he said to them. “Feeling better after the ball?”

Linda, who was still chatting up Wickman, turned to answer Chuck when I saw Wickman go absolutely pale. He was staring into the Merc at Darcy, who was giving Wickman a megawatt if-looks-could-kill glare. I saw Darcy give Chuck a hard poke. “Oops! Gotta get going,” grunted Chuck and the SUV pulled away, heading down the street toward the highway. 

“What the hell was that?” I wondered.

While I was observing this little psychodrama it seemed that a decision had been reached about Burger Barn. We were going. It wasn’t crowded at mid-afternoon and we got seated right away at a table for eight. I assumed Wickman, who seemed fixated on Linda’s rack out in front of Pete’s, would want to sit next to her. Instead, I was surprised to find him sitting next to me. I thought I felt his leg brush against mine. 

“Hi!” he said. “I’m David Wickman.” 

“I’m Izzy. Izzy Bennett. Linda’s brother.”

“You seemed to know the guys in that Merc SUV?”

“Yeah. That’s Chuck Bingham I was talking with. He’s the new owner of Norwood Acres, out by our place. The big goon driving is his best friend, who’s visiting for a few weeks. You know him? I saw you guys staring at each other.”

“You know Fitz?” asked Wickman, answering my question with a question. I thought I felt Wickman’s leg against mine again. 

“Not personally. He just arrived a few days ago to stay with Chuck. I haven’t been over to Norwood since he got here so I haven’t had a chance to talk to him. But he hasn’t made a very good impression around here. Chuck’s a sweetheart and really friendly. Everyone here likes him. You’d never know he was so rich from the way he behaves although he just made a huge contribution to the Historical Society. He’s already gotten to know a lot of people here in Hartfield County but when he’s taken his pal around to meet folks the guy mostly sits there glaring. From what I’m hearing everyone thinks he’s really stuck up and looks down on all us yokels.” 

“Well, yeah,” said Wickman. “Of course, he can’t help looking down on everyone. He’s 6’10”, after all! But he considers himself very superior, and he’s got billions! I’m surprised to hear people here don’t like him. Usually everyone’s so in awe of his wealth and power that they all fawn over him.”

“So you do know him already?” I asked.

“Yeah.” Wickman sighed and now I could definitely tell that he was purposely pressing his leg against mine. “It’s a long story.”

“Is there a condensed version?” I asked. I turned to get a better look at Wickman. He really is handsome. Maybe 6’1”, fair haired and blue eyed. As he leaned closer to me I could also tell that he’s really well built. Well, duh, Izzy. He’s a freaking Marine. Of course he’s going to be well built! I glanced down and could see an impressive bulge in his lap. I looked back up into his soft blue eyes and felt a kind of tingle. 

“There’s bad blood between us. Do you know who the Darcys are?”

“Only that they own DarCo, the huge chemical and pharmaceutical company, and he’s some kind of mega-billionaire.”

“That’s them. Have you heard of Pemberton?”

“I don’t think so.”

“It’s the Darcy family estate outside of Wilmington, Delaware, in what they call chateau country. Look it up in Architectural Digest. It’s absolutely magnificent. One of the greatest private homes in the United States.”

“So how are you connected with him?”

“I grew up with Fitz at Pemberton. A place like that is like a gigantic luxury hotel. It takes a huge staff, and my father was the estate manager for more than 30 years. He was very close to Fitz’s father, much more a personal friend than an employee. Fitz only has a much younger sister. He’s the only son and I was the only guy around our own age. We were together all the time and Fitz’s father liked me a lot. I was like a second son to him. He paid my tuition at day school and college. I was an only kid, too. Fitz’s dad always told mine that our family would be cared for and there would always be a place for us at Pemberton, even after he was gone. He made it clear that he’d also pay for me to get an MBA and expected me to take over management of the estate when my father was gone or retired. It wasn’t in his will, but I know he made sure Fitz understood that was what he wanted and Fitz and I were so close growing up I had no reason to think he wouldn’t honor his father’s wishes. Fitz apparently had other ideas, though. His father died about 10 years ago but mine stayed on as estate manager. About five years ago my father told Fitz he was going to retire. I thought there would be an interim manager while I was in B-school and then I’d take over my father’s position once I got my degree. My father did retire and then passed away himself unexpectedly. That’s when Fitz told me that the Darcys wouldn’t be paying for me to get the business degree and he had no intention of my ever becoming the estate manager at Pemberton. It was a complete shock. I’d always been so close to Fitz and his father, and even his little sister, Gloria, who adored me. In short, I was out on my own, penniless, and effectively blackballed everywhere around Wilmington. You have no idea how much clout the Darcys have there and there’s no way anyone would go against what any of them wanted. I was suddenly with zero prospects in the place where I grew up. So, even though it wasn’t anything I’d ever thought about before, I signed up with the Marines. And here I am.”

“Whoa! That’s one helluva story. Do you have any idea why Darcy would do that to you? Going against his own father’s wishes?”

“Honestly, no. I’m sure I didn’t do anything to deserve it. All I can think of is that Fitz secretly hated me because his own father liked me so much and I was really popular with everyone at Pemberton and at school. Fitz was always a loner and he’s so big he scares people because he also has a temper. I always got the feeling Fitz resented my popularity and personality.”

“Wow!” I said. “I’m so sorry you had to go through that! But I wonder how he ended up becoming friends with such a nice guy as Chuck? I wonder if Chuck even knows about this?”

“I don’t know. I haven’t had anything to do with Fitz since he shafted me. I know he met Chuck at boarding school, but I doubt he’s told him the story. Fitz is very reserved and always plays his cards very close to his vest.”

I felt another nudge against my thigh. It was getting late and I knew I needed to haul the Twits home before dinnertime. 

“My brother Jamie has gotten really tight with Chuck,” I said. “I’ll have to find out if Chuck has told him any more about his friendship with Fitz. Look, I’ve gotta get the girls home. It’s almost dinnertime. I’m sorry to hear about what happened to you, but I enjoyed talking with you. I hope I’ll be seeing you again, David.” 

Wickman gave me a meaningful look. “I hope so, Izzy. And thanks for listening. I haven’t told this story to anyone around here.”

I got up and paid our bill. It was a real job prying the Twits away from their Marine crushes, but I eventually got them in the van and drove them home before dinner was ruined.