Pride, Prejudice, and Porn

Foreword

This is my first venture of any kind into writing fiction. I hope you like it! Comments are always welcome! This initial effort was inspired (obviously) by my love of Jane Austen’s timeless novels and wondering how she might write today about same-sex relationships and our more permissive standards. I can't imagine her writing porn, but Austen wouldn't  have shied away from sex, in general. She didn’t in her own novels, although without being as explicit as she might have been today. Austen wrote in the bawdy Regency era at the beginning of the 19th century, well before the suffocating cloak of late Victorian prudery descended on the English-speaking world. The Regency era was a world in transition from the sometimes cold rationalism of the Age of Enlightenment to the Romantic Era, which emphasized feelings and self-actualization. As a consequence marriage, which had been viewed primarily as an economic relationship (often an arranged one) was becoming one in which love and affection have an equal or primary role in choosing a life partner. Austen certainly wrote about physical attraction and the folly which can ensue. Of course, she was an unsurpassed observer of human behavior,  so she could hardly have ignored sex in her observations of her characters. While this story is a different kind of romp, I hope Austen’s spirit shines through it, including her affection for her principal characters and her enjoyment of life’s ironies and absurdities. 

Pornometrics for Size Queens:

In these days where stories are read worldwide, descriptions using the increasingly obsolete English measurements can be confusing for readers accustomed to thinking in metric. Here are some quick rule-of-thumb conversions that can help readers in visualizing people and things described in this story and in others posted online.

12 ounce (355ml) Beer/soda can: Diameter 2.5 inches = 6.5 cm; Circumference 8.5 inches = 21.6 cm; Height 5 inches = 13 cm 

My own forearm: 9 inches = 23 cm (I am short — 5’6”/167cm — and small boned. Presumably a bigger person would have a larger forearm.)

Some lengths:

• 1 inch = 2.5 cm
• 6 inches = 15.2 cm
• 7 inches = 17.8 cm
• 8 inches = 20.3 cm
• 9 inches = 22.9 cm
• 10 inches = 25.4 cm
• 11 inches = 27.9 cm
• 12 inches = 30.5 cm

Some random heights:

• 5 feet 5 inches (5’5”) = 165 cm
• 5’9” = 175 cm
• 5’11” = 180 cm
• 6’0” = 183 cm
• 6’2” = 188 cm
• 6’3” = 190 cm
• 6’4” = 193 cm
• 6’5” = 196 cm
• 6’6” = 198 cm
• 6’7” = 201 cm
• 6’10” = 208 cm
• 7’0” = 218 cm

Part 1

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a spouse. However little known the feelings or views of such a man may be on his first time visiting a neighborhood this truth is so well fixed in the minds of the local residents that he is considered as the rightful property of one or another of their offspring.

In this instance, the neighborhood we’re talking about is mine: Hartfield County in the beautiful bluegrass country of Kentucky. And the family is mine, too!

“Honey,” Mom said to Dad while having a late lunch in the kitchen, “did you hear that Norwood Acres has been bought?”

“No! Finally?” exclaimed Dad. “It’s been on the market for ages. I hope they’ll be good neighbors. Do you have any idea who bought it? ”

“As a matter of fact, I do. I ran into Shirley outside the real estate office while I was in town this morning and she told me. An independently wealthy young gay man, of all things, from Cleveland, named Charles Bingham. Apparently he’s been looking for a country getaway for some time. Of course, Shirley’s walking on air. She’s making a monster commission from this sale.”

“Well, that should shake things up around here and set tongues wagging! But it’ll be a good thing for our boys. They don’t get much of a chance of meeting other young gay men out here in the country. Did Shirley say when this fellow will take possession?”

“In just a few weeks, dear.”

“Well, when he moves in we can send the boys over as a welcoming committee. They can meet him and show him around the area.”

“That’s just what I was thinking,” said Mom. “It would be nice if they like each other.”

“Louise, I know you,” said Dad. “You’re matchmaking! You hope that this Bingham fellow will fall for one of our boys.”

“And what’s the harm of that?” asked Mom. “They’re both sweet kids and very good looking, if I say so myself. I don’t know any nicer looking boys in Hartfield County or anywhere else I can think of. Even Shirley says that our boys are really handsome, and she has sons of her own.”

“Well,” Dad acknowledged, “It wouldn’t hurt the boys to meet some people who are different from the ones they know around here. Their friends are good boys, of course, but all they talk about is horses, football, and video games! Our boys could use some friends who have a little more experience of the world.”

“Exactly,” Mom said. “I couldn’t have said it better, myself!”

“Fine,” said Dad. “When this fellow moves in you should put together a big basket of local goodies and have the boys take it over to Norwood. Just like the old Welcome Wagon.”

Part 2

Since we’ve gotten this far, introductions are in order. 

I’m Izzy Bennett. My full name is Edward Isidore Bennett. A truly unfortunate choice by my parents, whom I may never forgive for inflicting it on me. It’s the name of one of our wealthy relations who is childless and Mom hopes he’ll remember me in his will. In which case it may turn out to have been worthwhile and I’ll forgive them! After all, if anything ever happens to Dad before I’ve finished college and gotten my act together I’ll be hard up, financially. Anyway, I always preferred being called Eddy, but somehow the kids in middle school learned my full name and started calling me Izzy and it stuck. I’m pretty used to it now. 

My older brother James and I are both gay. Shocking, I know. We came out to our family and close friends just before Jamie started college. Hartfield County, where we live, is a small place where everyone knows everyone else. Needless to say, the maddeningly efficient local grapevine spread the news rapidly. Rural Kentucky isn’t exactly gay utopia, so we were surprised and pleased to find that there was little commotion about it and just about everyone has accepted us. I’m sure it helped that Jamie and I were both very popular in high school. We also come from one of the First Families of Kentucky which has lived in the County forever so our family has always been well-regarded here. We’ve heard about some ugly cracks from the usual suspects, like the creepy, sanctimonious preacher at First Southern Baptist, and some members of the local Republican County Committee. A few nasty things said in the men’s locker room and at the bar of the Hartfield Riding Club have also gotten back to us, but by and large none of it has really affected us. 

We live at Longacre, a small thoroughbred farm that Dad inherited. By nature Dad is a dilettante, interested in pretty much anything except horses! It’s a lovely house and property and enough of an inheritance came with it that Dad has never needed to work. We’re not what you’d really call wealthy, but there’s enough money from the inheritance and the occasional horse sales and stud fees that we live comfortably. Because our family has lived in Hartfield County since before statehood we’re considered to be “society,” even though we’re far from having the biggest property or the most money around here. If this were England I guess we’d be considered local gentry. We’re also known to be a handsome family. Being pretty doesn’t hurt! Most of the time. 

As a young man Dad went to a fine private liberal arts college, but he never could settle on a career choice afterward. He had a comfortable home and income back here in Hartfield County so he returned after graduating. Even though he’s always been on the verge of being eccentric and not at all ambitious he had charm and the Bennett good looks. Before long he’d met and married Mom. She was the very pretty and flirtatious daughter of a local attorney, which led Dad into using his little head instead of his big head in proposing to her. We love Mom, in our way, but she has always been something of a dingbat and more than a little self-centered, not to mention she's become a world-class hypochondriac as she’s grown older and Dad’s attraction to her waned. By the time Dad came to realize that he’d chosen a wife who wasn’t his intellectual equal and with whom he shared few interests, it was late in the day. Every time Mom doesn’t get her own way she ends up going to bed with a terrible case of the vapors or her nerves! With Dad’s procrastinating nature he never seriously considered divorce. It’s hardly an ideal marriage but by now Dad and Mom know each other’s ways and are comfortable enough with each other that they’ve settled into a routine and life goes on. Dad avoids Mom much of the day by spending most of his time in his home office, his library, or his workshop, where he tinkers with inventions. Mom keeps busy more or less raising us, nagging our housekeeper and cook, going into Marysville to shop and gossip, and complaining about her health at the Hartfield Health Clinic so she can moon over the handsome new doctor there. 

It couldn’t have been a completely catastrophic marriage because there are five of us Bennett kids! We all still live at home. We older boys have been a bit adrift, still finding ourselves, so it’s a good thing we’ve always had Longacre to fall back on. 

My older brother James has always been the family’s shining star and I love him to death! So does everyone else. Considering that he’s just perfect it’s amazing he wasn’t despised by his classmates in high school and college, but he wasn’t. For starters, Jamie is extremely easy on the eyes. OK, I’m understating things. Jamie’s stunningly beautiful, although he’s blessedly oblivious to his own good looks. He’s 5’11” with a body to die for after years of being a stand-out athlete all through high school and college. I’ve seen people go weak in the knees and drool uncontrollably when they encounter his slightly curly dark honey-blond hair, moss-green eyes, button nose, flawless complexion, and bee-stung lips. This is without mentioning that Jamie undoubtedly has the most shapely bubble butt in North America and there’s usually a very attractive package bulging out the front of his jeans (our everyday wear because we live on an actual horse farm and we have to help out). Most importantly, Jamie is the most sensible, even-tempered, sweet-natured man I’ve ever known. He’s never met someone he doesn’t like, he’s gracious and courteous to everyone, and is genuinely interested in everyone he knows. I’ve never seen him get mad at anyone or say something mean about them. At 21 he’s two years older than I am, but he’s always been my best friend and we have shared absolutely everything with each other. We even fooled around a bit when we were in high school, exploring our sexuality, but that’s now in the past after we went away to different colleges. We did figure out that Jamie is almost completely versatile, while I’m an almost complete bottom. We were both what you might call late bloomers so neither of us has really had all that much sexual experience. That surprises people about Jamie, especially, considering that he’s older than I am and so insanely good-looking. Neither of us are virgins but we both seem to be more relationship-oriented than hook-up oriented. Maybe because of the less-than-sterling example of our own parents’ marriage? So far, neither of us has found Mr. Right. 

You already know I’m Izzy. I’m the second oldest Bennett kid and just turned 19. I take after Dad in a lot of ways, certainly in our passion for books, our love of oddities and absurdities, and our interest in just about everything fascinating but useless. I’m back home after a year of college because I couldn’t figure out something in which to major and decided that a year off and a bit more experience might help me figure things out. Living on a working farm, being active, and doing a bit of planned exercise keeps me fit but I’m not a heart-attack inducing Adonis like Jamie. I’m the runt of the Bennett litter, only 5’4” (5’5” on a good day) and about 125 pounds. People constantly tell me I’m cute as a button and they could just eat me up! It sets my teeth on edge when that happens, but privately I do think of myself as pretty cute! I have wavy brown hair leaning toward auburn, fine hazel eyes that attract attention when someone bothers to look at me, and that poreless, zit-free, peaches-and-cream Bennett complexion. There are also some winsome dimples I probably should mention as long as I’m being utterly shameless about describing my own looks. Oh, and nice teeth. (We all have nice teeth.) My features aren’t classically beautiful like Jamie’s. My face is rounder and softer than his, with its great cheekbones and defined jawline. Still, I got enough attention in high school and college, so even though I’m small I’m not unhappy about my looks. I’m well-proportioned and inherited the Bennett bubble butt as well, although on a smaller scale than Jamie, of course. I fill out my boys-size jeans very nicely, thank you, and get my share of looks. Fair warning: if you’re a size queen you’ll need to read onward another chapter or two — I only have a really pretty 6-inch cock of average width. On someone my size it looks good, though, and it makes a nice mouthful, I’m told. I’m a voracious reader (ask me anything about Jane Austen or 19th century Portuguese novelists, along with Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings) and very opinionated about politics, cuisine, the arts and more. That sometimes gets me into trouble. Unlike Jamie, who is a bit shy, I’m pretty outgoing and assertive. Being small and not a jock put me at a disadvantage in school so I developed a very smart mouth and a stinging wit as a defense. I can be the bitch from Hell when it’s called for and I certainly don’t resemble Jamie in liking everyone I meet. Which isn’t to say that I hate people. Not at all, but I don’t take everyone at face value the way Jamie does. I know there are some real shits out there. 

Now you get to meet my younger sisters, the Three Twits. God help us all! The twins, Maria and Karen, are 15. They’re not identical. Far from it!. Maria is the true nerd in the family. Extremely bookish, her social skills are awkward at best. She’s also the plain one among us. Not ugly, but plain. In an otherwise good-looking family that’s forced her to work hard on developing her intellect and talents in order to stand out. Unfortunately, she can be an annoying pest when pedantically sharing her not-fully-baked opinions or torturing everyone with her not-fully-developed musical talents. She’s become something of an attention hog. We’re all desperately hoping she grows out of this phase. Karen is very pretty but silly beyond words and not the most strong-willed person you’ll ever meet. I don’t think I’ve ever heard her express an original idea. Even though she’s older, she’s very much under the sway of our run-amok youngest sister, Linda, who is only 14. 

Linda is a knockout. If only she had a brain in her empty head! She matured physically very early and is now taller than Maria and Karen, and even me. Linda is all tits and ass and blond ringlets. So naturally you won’t be surprised to learn that she’s already a cheerleader and sneaking around with boys at school, even though the folks don’t want the girls doing any real dating until they’re older. As far as Linda goes, what the parents don’t know won’t hurt them. Also, if it isn’t about boys or clothes or parties Linda doesn’t want to know about it. As you can see, there’s a big difference between Jamie and me and our three younger sisters so we don’t exactly hang out together, at least not by choice. Jamie and I consider them incorrigible airheads and the girls think we’re impossible sticks-in-the-mud who exist only to spoil their fun. Linda, in particular, drives me around the bend with her non-stop brainless chatter about, you guessed it, boys, clothes and parties. At the family dinner table the only intelligent conversation is among Dad, Jamie and me. Mom, who was just as ditzy when she was young, indulges the girls shamelessly so there’s virtually no restraint on their behavior.

The remaining cast of characters includes our aunt and uncle in Marysville, the largest town and county seat of Hartfield County; and our other aunt and uncle in Cleveland. Aunt Susan in Marysville is Mom’s sister and she’s something of a dingbat, herself. She’s married to Uncle Phil, a reasonably successful small town country lawyer, and works as his secretary/receptionist, which means she’s usually one of the first to hear any juicy County gossip. Uncle John and his considerably younger wife, Aunt Claire, are our favorites. Claire is in her thirties, so she’s youthful and fun to be around. Jamie and I both love them best because they’re sane, intelligent, well-informed people who don’t take themselves too seriously and treat us like grownups. Uncle John is Mom’s older brother and has been hugely successful owning a soon-to-be-nationwide self-storage company. Claire is a curator at the Cleveland Museum. We’re not all country hicks, although I enjoy putting on a heavy twang at times to jerk the chains of assholes who think we are. As I said, I’m not as nice as Jamie, who wouldn’t dream of doing such a thing!