I was going to see Olivia today, we were supposed to be meeting up with Kevin but apparently he had family plans or something like that, I was looking forward to seeing Olivia but I also had a lot to tell her, I guess it would feel good to get it all of my chest. I kissed Alex goodbye and left looking forward to seeing Olivia. I met her outside a small café where we always met up. She threw herself at me and wrapped her arms around me. We went inside and ordered two coffees. Olivia can always tell when something is wrong. I couldn't lift my head to look her in the eye, I just sat staring at the coffee swirling in my cup while I stirred it, it kind of reminded me of how my stomach felt at that point. 'Danny, I know something is wrong so just tell me. Is it Alex? Did he hurt you? Oh my God I'm going to kill him' 'No, Alex is the only thing getting me through this, its my parents, I told them I'm gay.' I stopped then to compose myself before having to utter the words which made my stomach turn every time I thought about them. Before I could tell Olivia she interrupted me. 'Wow, Danny, I'm so happy for you, what did they say?' Olivia looked so happy, she seemed so proud that I had the guts to tell my parents. 'They kicked me out, I'm living with Alex' I felt like crying and just wanted to leave at this point'. 'Oh no, I'm so sorry Danny, I didn't know' I could tell she regretted her outburst of how proud she was, she felt stupid and embarrassed. 'It's fine you didn't know, besides I'm fine now, everything's ok, Alex is getting me through it, and I have you and Kevin, honestly I don't need anything else, and Alex's parents have been great' I could tell she wasn't convinced, she always knows when I'm lying. 'Daniel, don't take this the wrong way, but, are you sure you're ok with all this, you know, this would be hard on anyone, it's ok to admit you're struggling, Alex will understand if you tell him' I lifted my head to look her in the eye, angry at her for implying I couldn't cope 'For fuck sake Olivia I'm fine! I can cope just fine! Listen I have to go.' I stormed out of the café with tears streaming down my face, I just wanted to go home and be with Alex so I ignored Olivia when she called after me. Nothing else could possibly go wrong today, or so I thought.



I sat waiting for him to come over, Dan had just left so I hoped he wouldn't be back for a little while, I really needed time to be with this guy while Dan was gone. I just couldn't stick it with Dan anymore, it was all too much and I needed to do something, so I decided to see a guy, I think his name was Kevin. He's friends with Danny and I hoped he could help me to help Danny. The doorbell rang so I guessed it was him. I opened the door to a guy who looked to be about 5'8 and pretty slim, he had short black hair and piercing green eyes. 'Hi, I'm Alex, thanks for coming over, I just didn't know who else to go to' I tried to seem polite but honestly I wasn't pleased at the situation, having to go through Danny's phone to look for this guy's number wasn't exactly something I wanted to do. I remembered Danny came to my party with this guy and a girl, I think she's called Olivia or something, anyway, we organised for Olivia to meet up with Danny while we stayed here and tried to work the whole thing out. I brought Kevin into the living room where I reluctantly explained the events of the past few weeks. From Danny coming out to his parents, then being kicked out and then his mood swings and the problems we had been having, but this Kevin didn't look surprised, he looked disappointed and upset, 'Please Kevin I need your help, I cant go through this with him anymore, it's literally killing me to see him like this. 'Alex, I think I know what's wrong here, just try not to get angry, Danny couldn't tell you, he hates talking about it...' Kevin spoke with fear and seemed like he didn't want to tell me what was up with Danny. 'Kevin, please just tell me'. I could just barely make my voice heard, I was nervous and scared. 'Danny's not well, he's been through a lot you know that, and now I know that' 'Please just tell me Kevin' 'Danny's bipolar'. For a while after that all we could do was sit in silence, it was horrible, discovering something like this about the person you love, knowing you could have been helping them if they had told you, I didn't know why he had to keep this from me. After what seemed like an eternity Kevin continued. 'He's on medication, and normally it keeps him ok, I mean yeah, there are some side effects, like, he has no appetite, ever. But it keeps him happy, it makes him... normal I guess, but with bipolar people, a traumatic event can trigger a reaction like this, mood swings, not sleeping, not being able to concentrate on one thing for any length of time, feeling worthless. You probably remember seeing all these things now, but at the time you didn't know, this happened to him when he was first diagnosed, he had a nervous breakdown, me and Liv, we'd seen all the signs, but taken no notice' I broke down and started crying, I felt like I had let him down, that it was my fault, 'FUCK! I should have been there for him I should have known realised, what now? I can help him now right?' Kevin lowered his head when I said that, he couldn't look me in the eye for whatever he was about to say, and I didn't want to know why. 'He needs help Alex, proper help, no matter how much we tell him it's going to be ok, it's not enough, we need to take him to a place where he can get the help he needs. It's not going to be easy, and you need to know he could hate us for this, but its what's best for him' I understood why he couldn't look at me now, the news broke me into pieces, I felt like I could hear and see my world falling down around me, like this was the beginning of the end. 'Ok, listen Kevin you need to go, he'll be home soon, I'll ring you later tonight, we'll try to sort this.' I showed Kevin out but didn't wait at the door to wave goodbye to him as he walked away. I shut the door immediately and tried to calm myself down before Dan came home. He was going to need me.



I was coming around the last corner before Alex's house when I seen Kevin leaving Alex's. Why did he lie to me? Why was he with Alex? My mind rushed from thought to thought constantly imagining the worst the way it always did. There's only one explanation, Alex is fucking one of my best friends, Kevin and Alex, I should have fucking known, I didn't know how they could do this to me. Olivia must be in on it too, why else would she have invite me out today. There was no way I was going to see Alex right now. I didn't know where I was going to go but I was going to go somewhere.



It had been a few hours since Dan went out with Olivia now and I was really worried, I tried ringing him but there was no answer. I rang Kevin and he organised to meet me at my house, I met him outside before getting in one of my parents cars and heading of to look for Dan, scared of where we would find him and what state he would be in.



I wandered aimlessly for a few hours, not knowing where to go and not caring, I got a few dirty glares from people because of the state I was in but I didn't care, my world was crumbling and I knew this was the end.

Eventually I arrived back at Alex's house but it was empty, I threw my keys down in the hall before wandering through the deserted house. I made my way to Alex's room where I lost it. Seeing the place where I allowed him to take my virginity made me so angry, he had probably fucked Kevin in here, in our bed. I smashed anything I could find, throwing his things, destroying everything he cared about and loved, I smashed his sports trophies he had worked so hard to win, his photos of loved ones. Once I was satisfied with the destruction left in his room I unleashed havoc on the rest of the house, I felt happy but distraught at the same time, I was glad to get revenge but I hated myself for doing it. I left nothing intact, destroyed anything I could. I only had one thing left to take from him, myself, I went upstairs and started to pack up my belongings which just a few days ago I had placed with his. I lifted my bags and made my way towards the foor feeling exhausted and upset, but then collapsed in the hall, lying with my face flat on the ground, the same way I had landed that night my father had kicked me out, I felt this was as low as I could go, then I heard a car pull into the driveway, a few seconds later the door opened and two men stood staring at me in disbelief.



I opened the door to find Dan lying on the floor in the middle of destruction. Everything was wrecked, the house, the furniture, the man I loved. I took a second to adjust to my surroundings, I was in absolute disbelief. Then I rushed to his side, 'Kevin lift his bags and throw them in the car now!' I scooped a broken Danny from the floor and carried him in my arms, I put him in the back seat of the car and fastened his seat belt, this wasn't going to be an easy journey. We drove in silence as I followed the sat nav directions leading us to the end of our journey. Danny sat in silence with his head down, it was probably best I didn't see the state of his face, I don't think I could have handled seeing him this upset. Finally I gathered the courage to speak to him, 'Dan, Kevin told me about your illness, so we talk about it, and were going to get you help, everything will be fine I promise baby' Danny just kept his head down but I heard him start to cry 'No, please don't do this, I cant go back, please Alex, don't make me' I had never heard him this upset. 'Dan, please don't make this harder than it already is, I love you too much to see you like this' Danny said nothing just kept his head down. 'Dan, I love you'. Still nothing, 'DAN, answer me' 'I hate you for doing this to me, but I love you for standing by me' We pulled up at Greenwing Psychiatrist Ward, the place looked horrible, the building was old and dark, very few lights lit up the surrounding area and doctors in uniforms were waiting outside to section Danny. They approached the car and helped him out before escorting him inside the building. I watched him as he made his way towards the building, he turned to look at me with a mix of love and resentment, Kevin put his hand on my shoulder and told me we had done what was best for him. Dan turned back towards the building and disappeared inside leaving me feeling alone and upset, wondering if I would ever see him again.

The last few weeks had been hell. Not having Dan and knowing I wasn't going to have him for a long time was killing me. School had started again and exams were coming up which didn't help. I kept seeing his face that night in my head, how upset he looked, how I could see the hurt in his eyes. Me and my parents had managed to clean the house up but I didn't care about that. I just wanted Danny back.

I woke up for school on Friday morning, most people would probably be happy it was the weekend but for me that meant sitting alone, trapped with myself, contending with my memories and fears. My parents would probably be out over most of the weekend, work and meetings and shit. I rolled over expecting to Dan lying next to me, his beautiful blue eyes reflecting the sun shining through the window, but he wasn't there. I climbed out of bed and rubbed my eyes before heading to the shower. Dan always talked about how much he loved showers, he would spend ages just letting the water fall over his body. I stood under the jet of steamy water letting it glide over my shoulders and run down my body. According to Dan showers are a place to think, well I really didn't want to do that at the minute so I found something else to do in the shower instead. I lifted a bar of soap and rubbed my hand on my dick, feeling it start to get hard. I rubbed it slowly and gently, the same way Dan would always start of, I pictured Dan the way he had looked the first night we had sex, he looked so happy and secure. But then my mind was flooded with images of the way we had found him that night, lying on the floor, everything wrecked. I gave up on trying to pleasure myself and stepped out of the shower. I quickly dried myself of and went back into my room closing the door behind me. I picked out the boxers Dan had worn one night. I stood just smelling them for a while, it seems weird I know, but really this was all I had left of Dan, and just knowing his cock had been pressed against this made me happy in some way, they smelt like him. Finally I pulled them on followed by a pair of shorts which showed the bottom of my toned legs. I threw on a t shirt and left.

It was a warm summer day and the sun split the trees overhead. I could feel myself sweating already. The trees rustled slightly in a warm breeze. This would have been the perfect walk if Dan were here. I arrived at school and sat at my normal table, just a couple of my guys and their girls, I had been trying to stay pretty quiet and keep a low profile, but it didn't work. I seen people lowering their heads when I walked through the corridors, whispering and making jokes. All I could do was ignore them, pretend they weren't there, I had to take their insults and wait for Danny to come back to me. I seen Kevin a couple of times through the day but I couldn't bring myself to look at him, knowing what we had done to Danny. I felt a firm hand on my right shoulder and turned to see my friend Brian, I hadn't seen him since school started again, 'Hey Alex, eh, I'm sorry to hear about, well you know' I could tell he was awkward about the situation and I couldn't really tell if his sympathy was genuine, Brian wasn't exactly the sentimental type, he was a pretty self obsessed teenage guy who only cares about satisfying his urges with any pussy he can get. I hated guys like that, treating the people they fucked like shit, dumping their cum inside someone then pulling up their zip and walking away until the next time they feel that familiar call from their 'manhood'. With Dan and I it wasn't like that, I loved him, and he loved me, and that's why we made love, in our bed. With slight delay I replied to Brian, 'Don't be sorry, it's fine really, I'm moving on, I'll be ready for him when he comes back'. I hoped my word were true, but a very large part of me doubted myself. 'Yeah sure, whatever you say dude, listen we're having a party at my place tonight, you should come take your mind of things' 'I don't know, I don't feel like it' Brian placed his hand on my chest. 'Listen, Alex I'm not taking no for an answer' Then he walked away calling back 'I'll see you at nine'. I was annoyed that I was going to have to go now, and why did he touch my chest? He never did that. I hoped he didn't make a habit of it because for some reason I didn't like it when he touched me, even if it was just in a friendly way. The rest of the day dragged in slowly, when the bell screeched at the end of the day I wasn't sure whether to be happy to get home or start counting down the hours until I had to see Brian again. The walk home was similar to my walk this morning, my hair blew slightly in the gentle breeze and I could feel the sun beat down on my face, Kids were out playing with their friends, parents playing with their children, couples out holding hands on a romantic summer walk, it made me feel sick, that should be me, it should be Danny, he shouldn't be sitting in that horrible old place. I cast him to the back of my mind and concentrated on trying to somehow make the most of this beautiful day.

I stepped through the front door to be welcomed warmly with silence, no one saying welcome home honey, no hellos or how was your day. I threw my keys down and headed upstairs to lie down. I tugged my t shirt over my head exposing my sweating body. I kicked of my shoes and pulled off my shorts before climbing into an empty bed, and it really did feel empty, in just the short time I slept here with Dan, he made it feel warm, now it was cold and empty and I had no one to put my arms around. I lay on my side with my eyes wide open just staring at the door, waiting, hoping, somehow expecting him to be standing there looking at back at me, it was childish and impossible, but it was this hope that was keeping me alive.


Alex awoke to find himself in a strange room, one he didn't recognize, there were posters of New York, the room was brightly lit and well decorated, there were pictures of Alex and a good looking guy with bright blue eyes and short blonde hair. The stranger with blonde hair was looking at Alex with love and admiration in his eyes. Alex stared at the photo wondering who the beautiful boy was and why he was looking at him like that. Alex found himself smiling as he looked at the photo, after gazing at it for a few minutes he turned to look around the room, the sun was rising outside and the sky began to light up with the beginning of a new day, the distant sound of a radio could be heard in the background, Alex didn't focus on that and instead set his mind to working out where he had woken up and how he got here. Alex looked around but soon found himself listening to his surroundings instead, not only could Alex hear a radio but he thought he could hear the sound of water falling, he took no notice. The photos on the wall had disappeared, Alex found himself not even questioning their disappearance, instead he just continued looking around the room, Alex turned back to the posters of New York, the posters were still there but now the city appeared to be destroyed, the buildings had been demolished and only ruins remained, the sky was black and no stars could be seen to shine above the fallen city, the only thing lighting the city was the glow of distant flames put a red glow on the ruins. Alex turned away from the photos, but now the view outside the window was no longer the sun rising over a small peaceful street, it was now dark and deserted. Alex felt a feeling of despair, similar to the one he felt when he looked at the pictures of New York, it was like the pictures had come to life and engulfed the street outside, the darkness spread within the room and any remaining brightness which surrounded Alex faded. Alex panicked as he stood in the dark, petrified, too scared to move or breathe. The sound of falling water stopped and Alex heard footsteps approaching. Light seemed to creep through a gap in the darkness, like light shining under a door. Suddenly a door did open and light surrounded the boy from the photo, he stood with a towel wrapped round his waste, although Alex wished he didn't, Alex craved to see what beauty lay beneath the towel. The beauty with the towel seemed to emit light, Alex instinctively moved towards the gorgeous boy and reached out to touch his smooth, hairless body, as he did Alex felt a sharp pain run up the length of his muscled arm before the light around the blonde haired boy faded, before the light completely disappeared, Alex noticed the boy turn his head to look at Alex with a face that showed fear and upset. Alex felt like he had seen this face before, something about it disturbed him. Finally the light faded away completely and Alex was left alone in the dark, anything he had touched in this room had vanished. Alex knew he had brought this on himself and it was because of him that the boy was gone and Alex was alone.

I shot forward panting heavily, there was dim light in my room as the sun was fading, I was soaked in sweat. I hated waking from a nightmare like this. I looked around to be greeted with the familiar sight of my room. I looked up at my clock and discovered it was almost eight. I lay back resting my head against the pillow, taking a few minutes to catch my breath, I couldn't remember what I had been dreaming about, but whatever it was I didn't enjoy it. I sat up again and stepped out of bed, sweat ran down my back and my boxers clung to my ass cheeks. I pulled them off and grabbed a quick shower, the sound of water unsettled me for some reason I couldn't work out. I returned to my room and switched the radio on before getting ready to go to Brains party, God I was not looking forward to tonight. The radio played Friday songs and I found some of them actually almost had me in the mood to go out. I picked out some loose fitting jeans, and a plain shirt. I grabbed my phone and keys before leaving my empty house behind and walking away from the lights which surrounded by house to the quickly darkening neighbourhood.

I reached Brian's house at nine exactly and entered through an open door, Brian always left his front door open at parties, he said anyone was welcome to walk in. I decided to avoid him when possible. There was really no one here that I wanted to talk to, guys who play girls and slutty girls who sleep around and shag anything with a pulse. I found myself hating the atmosphere more with each second and decided only alcohol was going to get me through the night.

Within an hour I knew I had already overdone it when I started to feel dizzy and found myself talking with random strangers and stumbling over obstacles which weren't there. The hands flew round the clock and seconds turned to minutes, minutes turned to hours and the night passed me by. By Three in the morning I found myself slouched on the sofa, inflicted with the sight of Brian leaning back on a chair across the room with some girl sitting on top of him, grinding her hips against his excited lap. 'Ahh sleeping beauty wakes finally' Brian grinned at me, the girl on his lap flicked her hair to turn around and flash me a seductive smile before climbing of Brian leaving him alone to rub his cock by himself. She walked towards me and sadly I was too blocked to do anything about it, I sat still and watched as the Brunette made her way towards me, buttons undone, skirt making its way south. She flicked her hair one last time before mounting me and breathing heavily on my neck, I felt her hands glide over my chest before making their way towards my stomach, she rubbed curiously at my abdomen followed by her skilled fingers undoing my button and pulilng down my zip, I tried to protest but with no success. All the drink now started to seem like a bad idea. Brian just sat and watched while his girl proceeded to stip me. She undid my shirt buttons before running her tongue over my chest and sucking at my nipples, her lips were hot and wet but brought nothing but resentment to my body, I was getting no pleasure from this but didn't have the sense to tell her to stop. Brian got up from his first row seat and came towards us, he pulled her top off before undoing her bra and running his disgusting hands all over her body, I closed my eyes hoping to escape the horrible situation I had gotten myself into. Sadly it didn't work, I heard the sound of a zipper being undone, it turns out that was the push I needed, I tried to push the slut of me and thanks to her slight intoxication it worked, she landed against Brian who caught her in a slightly inappropriate way, all I could do was run out of the room, trying to redo my buttons and claw up any dignity I had left. I raced home, sprinting threw the empty streets. Finally I arrived home and was welcomed only by the lights around my house, I ravaged threw my pockets finally finding my key, I opened the door as quickly as possible closing and locking it behind me, I fell back against the door and slid to the floor. I had let myself down tonight, and even worse I had let Dan down, if he knew about this he would hate me. I heard sounds coming from the living room, scared of what I was going to find, I approached cautiously, creeping towards the living room, my footsteps covered up by the sound of the TV. I peered round the corner of the living room to see the fire glowing opposite my father who had his arm wrapped around my mother, they turned and smiled when they seen me. I was glad they were finally home, I was slightly less alone now. I tried to walk to them in a straight line before sitting down next to them, I leaned towards my mother and she put her around me, I heard the sound of their laughter at whatever they were watching, slowly the sounds of the night faded away and so did my awareness, for the first time in a long time I fell asleep happily, in the arms of someone who loved me.


Jason Smyth

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