Nathan

Carlos was exhausted, he couldn’t believe that something that happened to someone else years ago could have a profound effect on other people too. He’d spent the night comforting Nathan who’d sob his heart out one minute, fall asleep the next, and then have the most awful nightmares. He’d convinced himself that he was solely responsible for ruining the best party he’d ever been to in his life.

For years he’d hidden that dark secret and done so very well too, always coming across as being such a happy go luck lad, that no one ever knew, was dying inside.

He’d had a terrible conflict with his sexuality, what the man did to him he knew was wrong, but he also many times, enjoyed what he actually did, and willingly came back for more. The problem was, David treated him badly and blamed everything he did on the boy, and that’s where Nathan struggled terribly with the guilt. Everything that had ever gone wrong in his life he took personally and blamed solely on himself. That night was no different, he reran the scenario in his head trying to change the outcome, but it had unfortunately already come to fruition.

Marco and Tex had spent the night reliving their youth. The play list had been on a loop in the bedroom and they both had the wildest sex they’d had in years. He walked rather delicately onto the terrace with an arsehole that now resembled one of Tex's horse’s collars, leaving his stud Tex snoring his head off in bed.

Carlos looked dreadful, he sat there staring out to sea.

What should have been a joyous occasion for Marco turned into a therapy session for Carlos.

“I take it young Nathan had a terrible sleep?” Carlos looked at Marco with tears in his eyes, “Marco, I don’t know what to do, he’s in a terrible state, the lads blaming himself for what happened last night and we all know it wasn’t his fault for fuck’s sake". Marco put his hands on Carlos’s shoulders and gently massaged them. “I know sweetie, it’s hard for someone who’s never been in that place to understand. There’s a great deal of physiological play between those animals and their victims. They spend most of their time enjoying abusing the victim, and then blame it onto the victim themselves, to take away the guilt from them.

Carlos spoke again, “I’ve tried telling him it’s not his fault”.

“Carlos he’s had all these years for this guilt to manifest itself, and by you saying it’s not your fault won’t help him at all, I know it’s hard for you, but you just have to wait for him to realise the problem isn’t him. It may happen, it may not, but in time it’ll weaken, and he’ll be able to cope with it”

“I know Marco, but it kills me to see him suffer this way” “I know sweetie, but you’ve got to just be as strong as you can and take his mind off things”

Carlos thumped his fist on the table which rattled the breakfast cutlery. “That’s another thing too darling, you need to cut your aggression in front of Nathan, that only makes him feel even guiltier and you don’t want that”

Carlos gritted his teeth, “How, HOW can that make him feel guiltier?” Marco sat down next to him, “One of the reasons you love Nathan is because of his gentle nature, he wishes no harm on anyone or anything. By you showing your aggression, you’re making him feel more guilty because he thinks its him that’s making you aggressive. You think you’re doing it to protect him but you’re making it worse"

Carlos looked at Marco with tears streaming down his face, “I never looked at it like that before, fuck it’s me making him worse?"

Marco spoke again, “Carlos, it’s not just you, but your actions don’t help him. When’s his next zoom session with the therapist?” “It’s not for another four days". “Look, I know everyone just sees me as a flamboyant old Queen sweetie, but I’ve had a lot longer to sort my head out and ease the same pain that young Nathan’s going through now. I wish I had the help he’s getting, let me speak with him Carlos, let me see if I can help ease his guilt". Carlos sniffed, wiped his tears and nodded ok.

Marco left the terrace and walked to the guest house. He knocked on the door, but no answer, he knocked again and walked in. There before him was Nathan on the edge of the bed, with a handful of anti-depressants in his palm. Nathan looked up at Marco who was a cool as a cucumber. He walked over and sat next to the boy and removed the pills from his hand, he spoke softly, “Nathey, that won’t help you sweetie, you may think it will but it’ll make things worse, unless of course you really do want to end your life. Image how Carlos would feel without you by his side, and your mum and dad, and brother and sister. You don’t want to change their world as well as yours, do you?” Nathan shook his head, “No, I couldn’t live without Carlos", “Well, I can promise you, he couldn’t live without you, and my dear boy, nor could I. You’re a beacon of hope in my life Nathan and everyone else your sweet nature touches. Please never, ever think those thoughts that again”.

Nathan spoke, “I can’t cope with the guilt though, every bad thing that ever happens is my fault. I just attract it", tears were streaming down his face. Marco put his arm around the lad’s shoulders. He too started to cry. “Nathan, you and I went through the same thing, I know what that guilt feels like. What happened to you was never your fault, David just made you feel guilty so he wouldn’t have to himself. He blamed you and told you it was you that made him do those terrible things. Sweetie, you were a child, and innocent boy, it was not, your fault”.

“But how can I stop feeling guilty? I know Carlos tried to protect me last night, but that guy he beat up”. “Stop, stop right now. The waiter shouldn’t have done what he did Nathan, he was wrong, you didn’t encourage him, you and Johnathan were having fun like everyone else. HE, was the one in the wrong, not you" Nathan nodded in agreement and spoke again, “Carlos got mad at him because of me and Jono got kicked in the chest because of me"

“No sweetie, Carlos got mad and Johnathan kicked because of the waiter’s actions not yours, can you see that now?”

Nathan looked at Marco, “So it was him that caused the problem, not me?” Marco thought to himself he should be a therapist; he’d make a fucking fortune. “Yes sweetie, and it was the same with David, it was his actions that made you feel the way you did, because he told you it was your fault, but it was his. If he didn’t do what he did, he wouldn’t have felt guilty so therefore wouldn’t have blamed it onto you"

Nathan smiled, he’d never had it explained to him before, nothing had been his fault, it was the actions of other people that had made him feel that way.

“Nathey, do you think you could go and see Carlos; he really needs a hug from you, he’s all alone on the terrace, he’s so worried about you sweetie, he really is?”

Nathan stood up, wiped his tears away and ran like he’d never run before. Carlos saw him running and thought something was up, but when his boys face came into focus, he knew all was well. He ran toward his Prince with open arms, picked him up and swung him around. “I love you baby boy with all my heart” They were both crying, but at that moment in time their world was one, and from now on, they would be inseparable for ever.