Jamie's Story

I was surprised how quickly Dave and Alex accepted the relationship that had developed between Julian and I.  They had nurtured me through the trauma of having been beaten and sodomized by three Gay bashers.  I had tried to help Julian deal with a similar but worse experience which had seen him beaten sodomized and a beating which had resulted in the loss of his friend and partner Tristan.  I had tried to help Julian by counselling him through the trauma and grief.  Somehow our similar experiences had drawn us together.  We had more than ten months of counselling, mentored by Dave, before we realized just how much we were drawn to each other.

It was only my third sexual experience when Dave and Alex walked in on us with my penis deep in Julian’s anus.  We had explained our sense that fate had brought us together.  But I was still surprised how easy it was for Dave and Alex to accept our relationship.  I wonder if their relationship began with a similar whirl wind of encounters.

Dave teased, “There is no use in the two of you having separate bedrooms anymore.  You can save on laundry and no more sneaking around in the middle of the night.”  We really had not had many episodes sneaking around in the night.  But maybe Dave had noticed and that made him more ready for our disclosure.  Our physical relationship was only a few weeks old.  But we were happy to share one bed.

Our first few nights were a little awkward at bedtime.  What are we supposed to do? Do we strip naked before getting into bed? Or do we wear pajamas? Or maybe just underwear? We tried all options.  I think we had fun teasing each other into getting naked under the covers.  It was fun for me to get into bed naked but before Julian entered the room.  Then I would tease him to get naked too.  But he didn’t.  So, I would dive under the covers, in the dark, on a mission to strip him and get that soft appendage in my mouth.  I was always successful.  I think he wanted me to succeed in my mission. 

Then he would go on a mission of his own with similar success.

Dave had advised us to make sure that we communicated verbally not just fucking each other’s brains out.  We tried.

I remember it was the third night that we shared the same bed.  We were kissing and sucking lips, ears, necks, and nipples. When we paused, I asked Julian, “How did it feel when I came inside you?”  I was curious.  I continued, “I nearly lost consciousness when you popped my cherry.  I don’t know. Did you cum in me?”

Julian responded, “I can’t be sure.  My penis was throbbing and feeling so incredibly great, but I don’t think I bred you.  You ejaculated onto your abs so soon.  I think that often happens on your first time.  And I didn’t want to keep thrusting.  I thought that you might be hurting.” 

“Hey, I really appreciate your care and gentleness for my first time,” I said.  “You must have relaxed me enough because the painful part was brief and soon overcome by the ecstasy. Sometime, when you feel like it, I would like to experience you delivering your cum inside me.”

Julian quipped back to me, “Your wish is my command.”  He quickly got between my legs and lifted my knees, teasing, “Could you hold these? Please?”  I was amazed how polite he was. Julian could keep control of himself.  He had not lost himself in the ecstasy of our encounters. Maybe that comes with experience.  I pulled my knees up more, presenting my anus to Julian.  He tickled me, licked me, and poked his tongue into me and then his finger.  Sounding rather analytical, he said, “You’re not as tight as the first time. You’re still tight.  Let’s get you relaxed.  But not too relaxed.  I like tight.”  We giggled at that.  Julian explained, “I want to get you relaxed enough so you have no pain, or at least a minimum.  There might still be some as this is only your second time.  Then if you’re a little tight I might enjoy it more. So I guess it’s a balance.”

“Hmmm, it sounds like a fine balance,” I suggested.

Julian said, “Not really, I just want to make sure that you enjoy this as much or more than me.”

“I still think it’s a little tricky,” I said.

“Once you are experience more and can relax yourself, you can learn to try to clinch your anus onto me.”

“That sounds cool.  Can we try it?” I inquired.

“Sure.  Your wish is my command,” Julian teased. “Let me get inside you first. OK?  Walk before you run.”

I said, “You mean, enter before you go up the stairs?”  With that we laughed.  Julian licked my anus. He spat and rubbed it inside me with a finger.  Then he inserted one finger from each hand and opened me.  I felt that slightly cool rush of air each time I breathed while Julian was holding me open to help me relax.  I felt he had such a gentle caring way with me.  I was enjoying all this, but I really wanted to feel his penis inside me and I told him, “I love the way you prepare me and I want you to fuck me.” I added, “Please,” remembering Julian’s politeness with me. 

He obliged by spitting in his hand and rubbing his penis. Then placing it at the entrance to my love tunnel, pushed.  Gently at first, then slightly more forcefully until the engorged head of his penis was suddenly inside me.  This was great.  My penis was big and hard and taut, and my testicles were fully contracted against my perineum.  But the best sensation was emanating from the lining of my rectum, my love canal.  Julian started a series of gentle thrusts, each time getting a little further inside me.  This felt great and there was next to no pain this time at the entrance as his shaft went in further with each thrust.  A couple of more thrusts and I felt the head of his penis touch my prostrate.  We both knew what was about to happen.  I felt the ecstatic rush of my juice surging up the inside of my penis and onto my abs.  The sensation was fantastic. 

But I didn’t want fantasy at that moment.  I struggled to not lose myself in the ecstasy but instead stay with the moment.  I kept eye contact with Julian, wanting to feel the rush of his cum flooding my insides.  He didn’t cum yet.  I kept that all important eye contact hoping to encourage Julian.  He thrust a little harder and a little faster, but it felt the same inside me.  I realized that he had not yet cum.  I calmly said, “more, faster.”  Julian did it.

Then eye contact was lost.  My eyes were open. Julian’s eyes were open but appeared to be focused on something far away.  His body soon stopped thrusting and he pulled out.  His penis was getting limp fast.  He looked sheepish but strange and quietly said, “I’m sorry. I can’t.” I knew something was wrong.  I lowered my knees and sat up to meet Julian’s chest with mine.  I tried to kiss him, but he turned his head away.

I hugged him to my chest, whispering in his ear, “Whatever it is, it will be OK.”  I tried to sound reassuring even though I didn’t know what ‘it’ was.  Julian turned his head towards me again.  That was when I saw the tears on his cheeks.  I hugged him again and tried again to reassure him, “You’re OK. You’re safe.  Can you tell me what happened?”

“I want to tell you,” Julian offered in a quiet voice. “I think I’m losing it.  Finally, something good is happening for me, and I’m messing it up.”

I said, ”It’s OK. I’m here and I want to be with you. We’re together. You can tell me anything and I’ll still be here.  Can you tell me what happened?”

Julian started, “I think I need to explain first.  You see with Tristan I was always a top.  I think he liked that.  Our most common position was with me penetrating him from behind.  Soon it became our only position.  And I was rough.  Our sex was very physical almost violent.  I would be thrusting very hard. Tristan sometimes screamed ‘more, more.’  He told me he liked it that way.  We seemed like a good pair, except when I made him bleed.  I felt bad about that. 

“Dave and Alex saw us fuck like that on the beach one night.  Then they told us to come to the condo if the bleeding didn’t stop by the next morning.  It didn’t stop. We did go to the condo.  They helped and also made a few suggestions about how to communicate.  We took their suggestions to heart.  Soon we were expressing our love to each other instead of just having sex.  That is when we decided to get married. We planned the wedding. It was to be only two days away when we were beaten, and Tristan died.”

“Yes, it’s a terrible thing,” I offered.

“Yes,” said Julian. “And it does not upset me like it used to, but it upset me tonight.” He took a deep breath. “You see, as I was going faster and thrusting harder, I was looking in your eyes and at your chest.  Then suddenly it was Tristan’s back and Tristan’s ass. It seemed entirely real.  It only lasted a few seconds, but I knew it wasn’t right.”

I could tell that Julian’s tears were about to flow again.

“It’s OK,” I said, and we hugged.  “I understand, or at least I think I understand.  And you’re not losing it. And you’re not messing us up. I’m with you.”

“I don’t see how you can understand?” said Julian.

“I need to explain too,” I said. “I think you remember that I was beaten and sodomized too.  I had a whole series of bad dreams.  It was terrible.  I dreamed that they had castrated me.  When I woke screaming, I had to check to see if my balls were still there.  Dave and Alex let me stay here so that they could comfort me when I woke in the night.  It happened several times. Each time it seemed so real.  Dave let me know that a very similar thing could happen while I was awake.  It’s called a flashback, and it is a normal reaction to the trauma that you have experienced.”

Julian seemed some relieved and said, “Normal or not, I wish it would stop.”

“Me too,” I offered. “Let’s fill in Dave in the morning. He probably knows a way to proceed.”  Julian seemed to be lightening up.  I added, “and, as you know, my balls are still there.” This really relaxed him, and we had a little giggle.  Further I offered, “So if I wake in the night screaming, you know what to do.  Feel for my balls and tell me that they are still there. OK?”  That got a better giggle.

“Ya. I could do that for you,” affirmed Julian.  We hugged and drifted off to sleep with arms around each other.

The next morning all four of us were at breakfast together, Dave, Alex, Julian and I.  Julian and I made eye contact to make sure that we were ready.  Then I said, “Dave, I hope that you were serious about helping with furthering my counselling and encouraging our relationship.” This got Dave’s attention. I continued, “because I or we have gotten into an area that I know little about. I have only heard you mention it.”

Julian chipped in, “I think I had a flashback last night.  I didn’t know what it was, but Jamie suggest it was a flashback and said you might know more about it.”

Dave said, “That could be.  Can you tell me about it?”

Again, Julian and I looked at each other. I gave a little nod.

Julian started, “Well,” he paused, “I was” he paused again, “nearly balls deep in Jamie.” He paused to see if Dave was reacting. Dave was listening attentively.  Julian continued, “We had eye contact. I started speeding up the thrusts and pushing deeper.  As I said, we had good eye contact. But then suddenly it was Tristan’s back in place of Jamie’s chest.  This was unsettling to say the least.  It only lasted a few seconds, but I couldn’t continue.  We stopped.”

Dave considered for a moment and said, “That must have been hard.  For you to experience and for you to tell now.”

“Yes,” responded Julian. “I think I disappointed Jamie and myself. And I was afraid I was going a little crazy, seeing things. It seemed so real.”

“I don’t think your crazy,” offered Dave. “This happens after the sort of experience you have had.”

“Jamie suggested that last night,” Julian said.  “But why is this only showing up now, almost a year after.”

“I think I can explain,” started Dave. “There are parts of this that come together to initiate a flashback.  There has to have been a traumatic experience in the past.  The energy at the time makes elements of the memory imprint on the brain.  Various things are stored in a sort of package.  These include visual information, and commonly, aromas that were present at the time.  There are probably other things like emotions and feelings.  Any of these can become triggers that cause the visual or the feelings to resurface at a later time.”

“So, something about what was happening at the time caused the visual memory of Tristan to be brought to the surface?” Julian puzzled. “But it seemed so real even if it was short lived.”

“Yes. That is how triggers work.” said Dave. “It can seem as real as a dream but happens when the person is awake.”

“OK. I think I am beginning to perceive what is happening,” offered Julian.  “I think you all know that I was into having rough sex with Tristan.  I sort of feel embarrassed about that now, but we both liked it then.  With Jamie, I was just starting to get more energetic when the flashback happened.” Julian changed to an inquisitive tone. “So maybe that is what triggered the flashback?”

“Perhaps,” offered Dave.

“Does that mean that I can’t get more vigorous with Jamie without triggering a flashback?” asked Julian. “I don’t want to be stopped like that. Or . . . I don’t think either of us wants to be limited like that.  Is there anything that we can do?”

“I think there is,” Dave said.  “It’s a process which I have heard works very well, but I have not done it before.”

“But can you do it?” asked Julian with some sense of urgency.  “I am not sure that I want to share what the triggers are with some other counsellor.”

“We can try,” said Dave.  “I am told that if it works, it works fast.  And I understand why it might be uncomfortable to share the details with another counsellor.  As much as counsellors try to keep their own feelings out of it, it would be hard for a counsellor who can’t get his head around gay sex.”

“So will you try?” asked Julian.

“Hey, it seems that you are becoming my son’s partner,” said Dave. “I want you guys to have the best possible relationship. So, yes, we can try.”

(The author hesitates to provide the details of Eye Movement De-Sensitization Reprocessing here.  If it’s done poorly, it can reduce the hopes of a counselee.)

Later in the day Dave and Julian took some time together but I was not present.  After that we walked around the lake and chatted and hugged.  Julian started, “I really appreciate your love for me and comforting and being there for me through this process.”

“That’s part of what being a partner is about,” I responded.  We hugged.

“But you are being an especially great partner. Thanks.” Julian said. 

“You would probably do the same for me,” I said.

“If I knew how. Your experience and knowledge has helped lead me to a better place. Thanks,” Julian repeated.

“Dave said that if it worked it might work fast.  How do you feel? different?” I inquired.

Julian paused then said, “I don’t really feel much different. Maybe less upset. Dave said that I would probably know in a few days how well it had worked, and we might have to do another session.”  Julian continued and said, “Maybe we will have to test the triggers and see if they still trigger anything.”  He got that little telling smile which he was so good at. “Or at least we could try.”

“Yes. Let’s try,” I offered, “I want you to be the one in control now.  Just tell me when you want to try, and I am there to do what I can.  I am ready whenever you are.”  We hugged and had a passionate kiss.

*     *             *             *             *             *

It was the very next morning.  I was having this great dream.  There was this guy with the body of a Greek god but blonde and blue eyed, a real stunner.  He had chosen me to have sex with.  He had encouraged me to relax on my back. Then he teased my penis into maximum erectness, huge, heavy, taut and ready.  He aimed my penis at his anus and slipped onto me.  Soon he was bouncing up and down with this expression of great delight on his face.  And I knew I was about to cum in him when I woke up.  Was I still dreaming? I was on my back and my engorged penis started to ejaculate.  I looked under the covers.

Then Julian said, “After your account, I just thought these deserved a little loving. Don’t worry.  Your balls are still here, and I am so happy about that.” He was sucking each of them individually and kissing them between bouts of sucking my penis.” I started to cum in his mouth.

As I woke, I whispered, “Best wet dream ever.” I just relaxed and let it happen until I had given Julian a mouth full and thought I had expended all available resources.  My testicles must be empty.  “You are so good to me,” I said.

Julian responded, “I think you would do the same for me.” We giggled and I wondered if Julian meant now. 

But he followed with, “Can we try now? You know . . .”  I knew exactly what to do.  Julian raised himself up, letting the covers fall from his naked back and I lifted my knees and spread my legs wide to welcome his body to mine.  He kissed me passionately.  Soon he was licking me and opening me.  I was already engorged and hard and taut and wet.  Julian was fully erect too.

I tried to calmly say, “I am ready if you are.”

Julian wet his penis and pushed it into me.  His entry was slightly easier than before.  I felt his first 3 inches exciting my love tunnel.  He was faster but still gentle.  His stroking my prostrate made me ejaculate but my focus was still on his penis inside me.  With my eyes and a little nod, I encouraged him to go deeper and more energetically.  He did.  I had not experienced this level of excitement before, and I struggled to stay in the moment and continue eye contact with Julian.  He got a slightly inquisitive look.  I interpreted his look as wondering if I was ready for more.  I wanted him to be sure and confident, so I actually mouthed, “more, more, please.”

Julian obliged.  We were getting very physical, and I was liking it.  I wondered if Julian was still in control as his thrust became stronger and deeper.  I didn’t want him to do any less.  He could breed me or make me bleed.  I would have been delighted with it all.

That was when I felt his hot juice flood into me.  Wow. I can hardly describe how great that was.  He fired again.  Ah.  I loved it.  As he fired again and again, I was the one who lost contact.  But it wasn’t a flashback.  It was my own special land of fireworks, lights, and symphonic ecstasy.  It was great.

I was not out of contact for long.  As I came back to the land of the real.  Julian was really still in me, hard, deep and thrusting.  I was loving the real version too.  Soon he was firing off in me again.  Each time he pulled out a little I tried to clinch on him.  My sensation was wonderful.  By the look on his face, his sensation was wonderful too.

Even though I wanted it to go on for ever, it eventually subsided.  Julian pulled out.  I immediately felt empty.  Part of me wanted him to go right back in.  But instead, we kissed and hugged and let our cum smear our bodies as the only thing between us. 

Being in one bedroom now, we shared the shower and washed and enjoyed each other’s bodies.  All clean and shiny we dressed and headed to breakfast.

Dave and Alex had already started when we got to the breakfast table.  They served us up toast and coffee while more eggs were scrambled for us.  With a knowing look, Dave asked, “So how are you two this morning?”

In unison, we said, “Fine.” We did not realize until we had said it that we were in unison and happy but wondering if we should be slightly embarrassed.  But hey. With Dave and Alex, we could express anything.  We, all four of us, giggled and laughed. 

Dave enquired, “So do you think the treatment worked?” 

Julian was first to respond, “OOOOhhhh Yaaaa.” 

I added, “I can witness to that.”

Julian explained, “Our experience is that the trigger no longer affects us.”

We all laughed again.