Jamie's Story

My name is Jamie.  I am a student at medical school.  That is largely because of two guys, Dave and Alex.  I discovered that I was gay when I was 16.  I used fake ID and went to a bar to try and pick up a guy so that I could experience gay sex.  But it didn’t go as I had hoped.  Instead, I tried to connect with a straight guy by mistake.  He and his friends beat me up and sodomized me with a baton.  That is where Dave and Alex came in.  They helped me through the trauma and the police stuff.  They even adopted me, when they realized that my parents had abandoned me for high paying jobs in China.

I was really impressed with their ability to support and counsel me, so I wanted to learn to do the same.  I got the opportunity when their friend Julian had a similar but even worse experience in Hawaii.  Julian and his partner Tristan were the target of gay bashers.  That had cost Tristan his life and left Julian reeling in trauma and grief.  I was trying to draw on my experience to support and help Julian.

All four of us were living together at Dave’s childhood summer home which we called the Lake House.  Dave had been coaching me and helping me to improve my counselling skills.  He took me aside early one evening to discuss what I was doing.  As much as I welcomed his advice, it was not always easy to follow.  Dave was concerned that I should keep enough distance from Julian.  Dave said, “professional counselling requires that you don’t make a personal relationship with the person you are counselling.  You really get to know them well and you should not use that to enhance your friendship or make a partnership type of relationship with the person you are counselling.”

I retorted, “But you started the relationship with Alex when you cared for him when he was messed up with hypothermia.  And look at where you are now, married, and happy together.”  Dave had to admit that what I said was true.

Dave explained, “Yes, I know. You are right but, that means that I can’t counsel another person in that way.  I can’t bring every client home with me.”

I responded, “But you welcomed me into your life.” I said.  “Hey I appreciate it.  But I am having trouble understanding exactly what you are trying to say.”

Dave tried to explain, “OK.  Yes, I married Alex and I love him dearly.  I love you too but in a different way, more like a son.  But I also know that you have urges and desires and they are harder to control at 17.  I have been amazed with the control that you have achieved.  And you have been a great support to Julian after his trauma.  But I can also see that there is sexual tension between the two of you.  I’m sure that Julian has not had sex since Tristan, so his hormones and desires are likely to be raging.  And he is on the rebound.  So don’t take advantage of him by having sex with him. OK?”

I said, “I think I see what you mean.”  Julian and I are friends and we have shared similar traumatic experiences.  We connect, I guess. But no, we have not, nor do we talk about having sex.  We don’t kiss or anything.”

Dave said, “I believe you.” We hugged. 

Dave continued, “I’m glad to hear that you have that awareness.  It’s not just trauma.  You see, Julian is still dealing with grief.  His friend, partner and lover has been taken from him.  There is a normal process for him to go through.  First comes denial.  For Julian that was short because Tristan died in his arms.  It’s hard to deny.  He went through anger and depression.  I think you and the hospital chaplain helped with that.  But his acceptance has not yet gotten to what he is going to do with his life. He probably wakes up some mornings wishing and hoping that the last few weeks were just a bad dream.  We can’t rush him.  His life has been forced into change.  Change is usually uncomfortable or at least stressful.”

I felt that I understood much better now what was going on for Julian.  And I was still prepared to be there for him.  I said, “OK. I won’t push but I will be there for him.”

Great,” said Dave.  “And, by the way, Alex and I are going to have a night on the island.  So please don’t follow us onto the island like last time.” I reluctantly acquiesced.  I had had a cool time emptying my testicles and making a puddle on the sand while watching Dave and Alex doing their thing.

I said, “Julian and I will find something to do.”  I had mischief on my mind. 

Julian and I found a movie to watch on TV and made some popcorn in the microwave.  After the movie, I said, “Come on.  I have an idea.” I led Julian on a run around the lake until we came to the rock which I knew well.  I said, “Look someone left their clothes here.” 

Julian picked up on this right away.  He whispered, “Ya. I think we should take these back to the house and put them in the laundry for them.” We gathered up every piece of clothing that we could find in the dark and headed back for the house.  We were giggling the whole way but trying not to make enough noise to be heard on the island.

               *             *             *             *             *             *

The next morning Julian and I were having breakfast.  Dave and Alex had not come back from the island yet.  We heard the main door open and close, and we were surprised to see that Dave’s Mom had arrived.  She said, “I thought that I should drop by and have a follow-up check on Julian.”  We followed Mom into the exam room.

I had a feeling that Julian was more than a match for Mom and that he was up to something.  My feeling was confirmed by a wink from Julian that Mom did not see.  I settled in to see what was going to happen. When Mom instructed Julian to lower his shorts and underwear, he took them right off instead.  He was totally naked.  When he leaned over the exam bench, he seemed to spread his legs further apart.  Mom donned a surgical glove and started the exam.  She poked around a bit, announced that he was healing nicely.  She still had her finger in Julian’s anus when he asked, “So, do you enjoy your work?”  I could tell that Mom was flustered but trying not to show it.  I could see her response from the angle and depth of her finger.  She tweaked Julian’s prostrate which caused him to make a sharp intake of breath.  Julian was not to be out done.  He said, “I want you to know how much I appreciate and enjoy your work.” I think he wiggled his bum a bit causing her finger to gyrate in his anus.  She quickly pulled out her finger like she touched something hot. 

Next Julian suggested that she might want to have daily exams to check his progress.  She slapped his butt and under her breath said. “Cheeky.”  I had never seen Mom caught so speechless.  She seemed embarrassed like being caught doing something naughty but could only roll her eyes and say nothing in response.

Julian dressed and we left the room while she gathered up the contents of her medical bag (and probably settled her surprise and annoyance.) 

We headed out to sit on the porch step just as Dave and Alex walked up the path from the beach, naked as Jay birds.  They tried to scold us for stealing their clothes and offered to spank me.  I think I was gaining courage from Julian’s cheeky attitude with Mom and told Dave and Alex that they could not spank me because I was a minor and it would be child abuse.  And I stuck out my tongue. 

That was when Mom came out the door.  She scolded Dave and Alex for exposing them selves to a minor.  Julian and I were behind Mom so, we both stuck out our tongues at Dave and Alex.  Mom was still frustrated from the encounter with Julian and steamed off to her car and left. 

I had been leaving Julian more and more on his own.  He seemed to be dealing with his trauma and grief.  He would take long walks around the lake, which I had thought was a good sign of him processing his experiences.  On one occasion he surprised me by asking if I would accompany him like I used to when he first came to stay here.  “Sure,” I said.

We were about halfway around the lake when he sat in the sand and motioned for me to join him.  I did.  Julian started, “Do you remember when we first met on the beach below the lighthouse in Hawaii?”

I answered, “yes.”

“Well,” Julian said. “There is an element of that that I have never told you, never told anyone.  You never met Tristan and we didn’t have even a picture to put on his casket.  But, and this is the part that is difficult for me, you and Tristan look a lot alike.”

“I didn’t realize,” I said.

“How could you,” said Julian. “You never saw him.  He had red hair like you, and that red complexion.  He was slim like you, ever so kind, again like you.  And I don’t want to embarrass you, but he had a red-orange bush of pubic hair just like you.  Do you remember? You were naked when you first walked up the beach.”

“It was my first time on a clothes optional beach,” I offered.

Julian continued, “I was crying and wanting it all to be a bad dream when you came along.  Through my tears I thought that maybe I was coming out of a bad dream when I saw you.”

I didn’t know what to say or where this conversation was going. I just said, “I am so sorry.”

Julian returned, “Thanks, But You have nothing to be sorry for.  I only say this because I don’t want you to get the wrong idea if you find me looking at you sometimes.  You have been such a great help.  I could easily fall in love with you, but I am not ready for that yet.”

I said, “Thanks for sharing that and I am not going in that direction either.  Dave has told me several times that falling in love with the other person is not a good counselling technique.  Besides, Mom said that you should not have anal sex for a while. And around here Mom is to be taken seriously.” We laughed a bit.  Julian was one of the few people who seemed able to cope with Mom’s directives. Julian went on to divulge that he was always a top anyway.  We laughed a little more.

Then Julian surprised me with, “I hope you are Ok with this topic, and I don’t know if it will help me.  But I want to say that my balls ache sometimes.  I would love to have sex.  But I feel that sex with another person would somehow violate my relationship with Tristan.  I guess my body and my mind are not in sync.  I suppose I could masturbate.” He paused.

What could I say to Julian? “I know some of what that is like.  My balls ache and I masturbate.  It helps.  But I have never had a serious and sexual relationship yet.  I hope I do. But.”

Julian interjected, “I hope that you find someone.  That guy will be a very fortunate guy to fall in love with you.  You are such a kind person.”

Julian was working through his grief and trauma.  He was getting board with relaxing.  He got a job at a local convenience store.  He also visited his parents for a brief time.  But he knew he couldn’t stay close to them.  He was starting to plan things in his life, which is a good sign.  He arranged to register for a program in financial bookkeeping with a local community college.  He was following in his father’s footsteps.

Towards the end of the summer. Dave, Alex, and I were preparing to return to university to continue our studies towards becoming doctors.  We all were concerned about what Julian would do.  Dave suggested that he could stay at the Lake House if he was willing to do some maintenance things in the off season.  He would pile firewood, keep the house heated so that the pipes don’t freeze in the winter, and generally maintain security. 

We loved to get away from the university on weekends and would be able to visit with him a couple of days most weeks.  It seemed like a good compromise.  Julian said that he could occasionally visit his parents.  And the alone time could be useful now and he was sure he would be OK, and not lonely.  He could also work on his courses at the community college.