Sam woke up the next morning with a pounding headache. The hangover was brutal. Had last night been a dream? Had he really put a...dick...in his...mouth?
He’d gone back down to the party to find that most of the girls had left, Jess’ group furious at their loss. He played a game or two more of pong before slugging back up to his room for bed.
Looking to his left, he thought of the spot, just next to him here in his bed, that Will had been sitting last night. A naked guy, bare ass on his bed. What the fuck had he agreed to. How many girls had been in that spot over the last few months, before Jess? How many times had he fucked them? Now, a dude had been there. Now, he was left wondering if he could ever look at his own bed the same again.
Picking up his phone, he scrolled through his contacts until he settled onto his brother, Milo.
Sam: Yo are you awake?
His brother was usually quick to respond. This time was no different
Milo: Yeah what’s up?
Sam: Can I ask you something weird
Milo: lol ok Sam what
Sam: Have you ever gotten with a straight guy?
Milo: What? No…not actually. I feel like that's not a real thing. Do you know what “straight” means Sam?
Sam gritted his teeth, frustrated.
Sam: Yes dumbass. Are you sure? What about someone who tried it and didn't like it?
Milo: What the fuck are you even saying??? I have other gay friends who CLAIMED they got with straight guys. Why???
Sam: Just wondering. What happened with them?
Milo: I feel like they all ended up dating the supposedly straight guy lol
Fuck, Sam thought to himself, throwing his phone onto the floor. He was sure that wasn’t how this was gonna go, but given he’d already invited Will over to hang out this week, he knew it wasn’t the end of whatever all of this was.
He thought the little shit was a puny joke down in the basement. This aloof nobody, trailing his girlfriend like a lost puppy...but there was something there. He didn’t like the way that Will had judged him, assumed Sam was some frat star, douchebag incapable of being a nice person. He’d been determined to prove him wrong and, in the process, somehow walked his way right into giving a dude a handjob. Fuck. He looked down at his own hand and the image of it wrapped around a penis was all he could see now.
There was only one thing that had made total sense last night, something he'd seen coming for a while but that had now definitely reached its finish. Climbing out of bed, he pulled on some briefs and made his way downstairs. The house seemed empty, quieter than usual at a relatively early hour. It was the rare moment of calm in a house full of animals. He brewed some coffee and opened his phone again, pulling up Jess’ name and hitting the dial button.
“Sam? It's so fucking early. Why the fuck are you calling me?” She sounded half asleep and annoyed.
“Why did you leave last night?” He was a little hurt that she’d known why he went upstairs but didn’t stick around to see if he was okay after.
She chuckled into the phone. Her tone wasn't friendly, nor was it joking; it was just cold and mean. “What was the point of staying? We lost. I was pissed off. And I knew you weren’t actually gonna get with a guy for god's sake."
Sam felt his heart rate speed up. She wasn't wrong, even if she was a bitch.
“We’re done, Jess.” He kept it blunt like he usually did in these situations.
“Whatever. You’re not all you think you are anyway. I can do better.” She sounded relieved.
He heard the call end and stared down at his phone. Going back up to his room, he brushed his teeth, something he knew he’d forgot to do last night before bed. As he moved to bring the tooth brush to his mouth, it hit him like a pile of bricks; the taste and texture of a dick. Will’s dick. It was…fine? He struggled with it last night more out of a self-imposed psychological aversion, rather than from the actual act itself. It was just skin, ultimately, and unlike a girl, the thing wasn't on the side at least.
He didn’t want to admit it and was terrified of the thought, but did he…kinda like it? Not because it was a guy, or a dick, but because as the night had gone on, he wanted Will to feel good. The way he often felt when he was invested in any sexual partner. There was a rush from getting someone else off, watching them squirm and fall under your spell.
Even so, he still couldn’t get past the weird sight and feeling of a dude being naked in his room, the different parts down there, and most all...Will’s butt out and on his sheets…it was all so fucking weird. The chaos brewing in his head was exhausting...he needed a drink.
But somehow if he buried the body parts deep into the back of his mind, the thought of Will, just Will, brought a much different feeling. Something curious…drawing him in. He shook his head, violently, trying to shake whatever the feeling was out of his mind. This wasn't him. Whatever was going on was probably from the lack of sleep, that sorta thing happened sometimes, even if it wasn't usually this extreme.
Going back downstairs, one of the frat brothers who didn’t live in the house stopped him.
“Yo, man!” He dabbed Sam up, who returned the masculine energy.
“Sup?” Sam said, nodding.
“Sick party last night. I bet Jess is pissed but they’ll get the fuck over it!” The guy, whose name Sam couldn’t even remember, swayed back and forth, his lip packed with dip.
“Yeah man. Good shit.” Sam shook off whatever he felt earlier and embraced his role as their leader again.
“Some girls were trying to say there was some gay shit going on? You know anything about that?” The guy eyed him before quickly adding, “not that there’s anything wrong with that of course…”
Sam hesitated. “No clue man. I gotta go, help yourself to the coffee in the kitchen.”
He walked outside and sat on the porch, putting his head in his hands. No more girlfriend, and now a hangout planned with the straight or maybe gay or maybe bi guy, who’d sucked down his load last night in his bed.
Jesus Christ…what the fuck was going on.
—————————
After his run-in in Sam’s room, Will had returned to find that Maddie and the rest of her sorority had left the frat house to celebrate their victory on their own.
Will walked the two miles home in the middle of the night, pissed off that he’d been left behind while also cursing himself for completely fucking up his life. He had some self-doubt before about who he was, but was happy and in an easy, safe, relationship.
And now he’d sucked off a guy. A frat guy.
When he got home that night to his dorm, he took a long, hot shower to try to rinse away the confusion. He failed to do so.
Sunday morning, he took his time getting ready before walking off campus to Maddie’s house, knocking loudly on the door just after 11AM. One of her housemates opened the door in a long t-shirt, her eyes squeezing shut from the blinding sunlight late in the morning. Will marched through the house and up the stairs to Maddie’s large suite and opened the door without a knock, like he usually would.
She was laying in bed scrolling on her phone. The morning light trickled through the closed blinds of Maddie’s bedroom, creating a serene setting that was about to explode.
“Hey! I’m sorry we left last night, we were excited!” Maddie stirred and moved to the side, making space for him on her bed.
Will took a deep breath and walked to the bed, sitting on top of the covers next to her. He’d barely slept, his mind a tangled mess of confusion, shame, and yearning, but not for her.
“Will?” Maddie’s voice was gentle.
He didn't move, just hummed in acknowledgment.
“Will? We really need to talk...” Her voice was steady, calmer than he felt.
He finally turned his head, his gaze meeting hers. Her eyes, usually so bright and full of life, were tired, etched with worry. “Yeah,” he rasped, his throat dry. “Yeah, we do.”
“What’re you feeling?” She asked. Her voice was gentle and seemed understanding.
“I’m so confused, Maddie,” he started, the words tumbling out before he could second-guess them. “About everything. About us. About…last night,” he looked intently at her, “I still love you though…”
Maddie reached out, her fingers gently tracing the line of his jaw. “I know, Will. I love you too. And it’s okay if you’re confused. It’s a lot. For both of us. We can figure it out. Together. Or, if you need time to figure things out on your own, I get that too.”
He recoiled slightly, a flash of defensiveness igniting. “Time? What do you mean, time? You’re pushing me away? You’re the one who offered me up on a silver fucking platter!”
“Woah!” She sat up fully, “do not twist my words. I’m saying I’m here for whatever you need. If you need space, if you need to explore…I’m not going to be the one to hold you back. But I’m also not going anywhere unless you tell me to.”
“Explore what, Maddie? Did you go through my phone? Lemme guess…my search history too?” The words were sharper than he intended, the raw hurt surfacing. “You saw something that could've been a stupid algorithm? And you just…you just used it as part of your game? And that led to…?” His voice rose, betrayal lacing his tone. “That’s what really gets me! That you had some big, bold assumption about me for god knows how long, and you just threw me into it without even talking to me! It’s fucked up. It was really, really fucked up."
Maddie flinched, pulling her hand back. “I…yeah I didn’t mean to. I just stumbled into it one day and it wasn’t hard to put two and two together when I thought more about you. Will, I've known you for so long...it didn't shock me, sorry. Last night was stupid, okay? It was a drunken, competitive thing! But…but also,” she took a deep breath, her gaze wavering, “I saw you wondering. I saw you looking. And it felt like…I don’t know. Like you were holding something back. And I thought maybe if something happened, it would force you to confront it. I swear, Will, it wasn’t malicious. I just…I saw you struggling. And I didn’t mean to find out when I did.”
His anger, which had flared, softened slightly at her admission. There was a raw honesty in her voice that was hard to dismiss. “Struggling? You think that’s what I was doing? It's not like I was unhappy with you. I was just clicking around and figuring my shit out. Do you realize how big of an assumption you made that it meant anything? Come on, Maddie. It didn’t mean I wanted to follow through with a guy and let alone at a fucking fraternity thing with him, of all people!” He shook his head, running a hand through his hair. “God, Sam. That’s another thing…”
“Okay, okay! You’re right. It was a mess. I fucked up. I’m sorry. I really am. For looking at your stuff, for the bet, for everything. I shouldn’t have done it. Clearly, I fucked up.” She looked genuinely ashamed. “Are you…are you mad that I found out? Or that I put you in that situation?”
He sighed, the tension slowly draining from him. “Both. It really caught me by surprise. Like, that was my thing, ya know? My questions, things I was just wondering. But I get you that you had a right to know. I'm not saying it was fair to you that I was thinking about those things while I was deep in a relationship with you. But it was just suddenly out there between us, and then I was just…doing it,” he paused, looking away, then back at her.
“Doing it…?” Maddie’s face showed some hurt now, “wait…you guys actually…?”
Will’s stomach twisted. This was the hard part. The part he hadn’t even fully processed himself. He took a deep breath, steeling himself. “We…we did. I…I gave him a blowjob.”
Maddie’s eyes widened, a flicker of surprise, then something unreadable. “Oh. Wow. Okay.” She paused, clearly trying to piece together the right words without offending him. “And…how was…that? Like, gross? Awkward? Do you regret it?”
Will swallowed, his gaze dropping to the duvet. “No,” he whispered, barely audible. Then, taking another shaky breath, he met her eyes again, the truth bursting out. “No, Maddie. I didn’t regret it. I…I actually...I really liked it.”
The silence that followed was deafening. Will braced himself for an explosion, for tears, for anger, for accusations. Instead, Maddie’s expression shifted from surprise to melancholy. Then, a slow, caring smile spread across her face.
Maddie let out a breath she seemed to have been holding. “Wow. Okay. Wow.” She reached for his hand, intertwining their fingers. Her grip was firm and reassuring. “Will. That’s amazing. If that’s what you were curious about, and you found something you liked, that’s incredible. I’m…I’m genuinely happy for you.”
He stared at her, dumbfounded. “You are?”
“Of course, I am! Why wouldn’t I be? You found something about yourself that brings you joy, or pleasure, or just…clarity. That’s a good thing, Will. It is. I just…I don’t want it to come at the expense of us. Of what we have.”
She squeezed his hand. “Look, I’m not saying this is easy. It’s not. It’s a lot to process. But if this is part of who you are, and you want to explore that, I’m okay with it. As long as you’re honest with me. If you feel like you don’t want to be with me anymore, just tell me. And if you do anything with a guy, please just tell me.”
“Do anything with a guy?” He was perplexed. “You’re telling me to go suck dick on the side?”
It came out harsh but somehow Maddie kept her cool, “I don’t know what I’m saying. I just want you to be happy…”
A wave of relief washed over him so profoundly that it almost made him dizzy. “Maddie,” he breathed, pulling her into a tight hug. He buried his face in her hair. “Thank you. I’m sorry…”
She hugged him back just as fiercely. “We’re a team, Will. Always have been. Always will be, even if we’re not together romantically like this. We’ll figure it out.”
He nodded into her shoulder, scared to admit that this could lead to ‘them’ ending depending on how things went, but needing to find out more about himself in the short term.
She pulled back slightly, her eyes twinkling. “So, Sam, huh? You really liked it? With him?”
He chuckled, “yeah. I really did. He was…different than I expected,” he paused, “he invited me over to hang out this week…”
Maddie blinked, her eyebrows shooting up. “Sam? Really? Jess’s boyfriend?”
“Yeah,” Will said, a small, sheepish smile playing on his lips. “I know he’s an asshole, but he was…actually a little nice? I don’t think he was fucking with me. He seemed to like me? Not like that, but as a friend? Maybe?” He trailed off, suddenly feeling awkward again, but with it, a strange sense of anticipation.
Maddie shook her head slowly, a bewildered but amused expression on her face. “Okay. Okay, Will. Wow. If that’s what you need to do, it’s okay. Just...be honest with me and tell me if we should take time. And…be safe. No matter what happens. Please.”
“Of course. I…I don’t think it’s fair to you to keep this going like this. But I’d like to hang out with him this week and see how I feel. Then maybe we can talk again?” She agreed and they shared another tight hug before Will gathered himself to head back home.
He pulled out his phone, finding Sam on social media and opening up his direct messages, “hey do you want to hang out still this week?” He still half-expected to receive a response of leave me the fuck alone.
Sam: Yeah dude. Come over Wednesday night? Like 9?
Will felt incredibly awkward texting a guy like this. He knew it was half just scheduling a hang out with a friend, but after Sam’s offer with the mystery soccer player, there was a chance it was also a hookup.
Will: Okay yeah I’ll be there, let me know if I can bring anything?
Sam: Nope just show up
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