Drop and Give Me 50

Chapter 24: Devil Kitty

We only had half a day left. And we had no idea when the opportunity to be together like this would happen again. But something had solidified. We knew this wasn’t just a flash in the pan. There was substance in what we had discovered about ourselves and each other. We had lunch. We swam. We kissed. Brent helped me clean up. We reorganized the box and the porn shelf to their exact, picture-perfect conditions. We put clothes on for the first time in what felt like forever. We hung out. We didn’t feel the pressure of “what-to-do-next.” We just basked in the glow of what was nothing short of a transformational time in our lives. We both knew we would never be the same. And we were not only OK with that, we were excited about it.

Brent drove away to have dinner with his family. I knew I would see him tomorrow at school, but it would be different. It would be under a cloud of secrecy. I wouldn’t be naked in front of him. I wouldn’t be able to stare at his ass. I wouldn’t be able to claim him as my boyfriend. I wouldn’t be able to hold his hand. There was a tinge of anger that none of this would be the case if Brent were a girl. I made peace with the circumstances of being in the closet. But mainly because we both needed the solitude of that place, at least for the moment.

I was alone. Well, I had Grumpy, but she barely counted. But it was a loneliness I had not experienced before. An understanding that a part of me was with someone else, and a sense of loss when that someone else wasn’t there. I called my mom to check in. I let her know Brent was at his house, and I was here taking care of Grumpy. She laughed every time I mentioned the cat’s name. I told her I had packed to go to school directly from Dr. Grant’s place, and that I was going to head to the airport directly from school, and that I would be home after I dropped them off. I switched over to Facetime and took her on a tour of Dr. Grant’s house. She responded, “I would never leave!” We laughed, and she signed off with “Luv ya” and I said, “Back at ya!”

The flood of mixed emotions sapped my motivation for making dinner. Brent was the mixologist and cook. Hunger led me online to order a pizza. After a booze-soaked two days, I resorted to ice water knowing I didn’t need to attend school tomorrow with a hangover. I wondered aimlessly around the house snooping with impunity. They had a lot of stuff. What looked like expensive stuff. It was all “just so.” And I thought about how it represented choices. Choices made together in the long act of building a life together. I wondered if I was destined to something similar. If that journey would be with Brent. At 18, you know you have your whole life ahead of you, but it is always so frustratingly open ended. This weekend brought a few parameters into focus. It felt like growth. I was proud of myself for being bold. I was relieved that fear didn’t hold either of us back. It easily could have.

I sat on the couch waiting for the pizza to arrive. I logged into my Amazon account and looked for something to watch. A movie seemed like a good way to occupy my mind and stop the endless rollercoaster of “what’s next?” The thought occurred to me that I was gay and had never seen a gay movie. I looked for a LGBT filter on Prime and didn’t find one. I got online and did a google search. “Giant Little Ones” came up, and the preview looked really good. I clicked “Rent movie” and settled in.

I’m normally not a sucker for tear jerkers. But the movie had its moments. The scene with the dad made me sad. It’s always just been mom and me. Dad was a topic that just never came up. I assume he’s alive. I assume she knows where he is. I would guess he’s paying child support. But really, I have no idea. I don’t visit him. He doesn’t send me cards. I’ve never spoken to him. Mom’s great. And when you grow up in a single-parent household, that’s your normal.

Empathy came from an unlikely source. I grabbed my cell phone and took a short video of Grumpy curled up in my lap purring.

Dr. Grant: NO WAY! Darren, take a look at this video text.

Darren: What is he feeding the devil kitty?

Dr. Grant: No idea, but he is the house sitter for as long as he wants.

Darren: Maybe we can travel without weeks of vindictive carpet bombing upon return.

Dr. Grant: She may be upset that we come home at all.

Darren: She never does that with us. What’s wrong with us?

Dr. Grant: That’s a long list, but at least she’s happy for the moment.