Conquered

All characters in this story are 18 or older. In addition, this story contains themes and descriptions of nonconsensual acts. Reader discretion is advised.

Kabb’s homecoming party was shaping up to be the social event of the season for the Bay Area Evangelical Christian community. It was going to be a black tie event; Grayson must have spent a fortune on the venue alone. I was an active member of their congregation, so of course I was planning on attending. Grayson told me he would close the office early and we’d get ready together the Friday of the party and go straight there, since it didn’t make sense to drive all the way to the Nash Residence and then back to San Francisco during rush hour. 

In the weeks leading up to the party, I spent a lot of time at Grayson’s house. Kabb was around a lot, but I felt like I barely knew him. He didn’t talk to me much, but every now and then he’d catch me looking at him and he’d give me this cunning, arrogant smile. I have to admit, I was crushing on him pretty hard. 

One day he asked me about my workout at the gym, so I told him the exercises I’d done and the machines I’d used. I thought we could talk about the gym – it was something we had in common, but he just stood there, immovable. Then I mentioned the kettlebells I’d seen him working out with and said I wanted to know more about them, and he snickered, shook his head, and walked away from me. It was like he was this untouchable gym god and I was an unworthy newby.

Finally, I was alone with him one day and worked up the courage to ask him what was up. “It just seems like you don’t like me,” I said. 

He didn’t speak for a moment. It was a bit of an awkward pause for me, but he showed absolutely no sign of being uncomfortable at all. Like his dad, he was always in control of every situation and always so cool, calm, and collected. 

“I don’t dislike you,” he replied, neither happily nor angrily. He just blurted it out as a simple fact, as if he didn’t care in the slightest whether his behavior offended me or not.

“Are you sure? Maybe you’re upset about the…” I trailed off. Kabb blinked, as if waiting for me to finish. “You know.”

“What?” he asked, looking me straight in the eye.

I blushed. Is he seriously going to make me say this out loud?

“It’s just, when you told me about your webcam, I thought the reason you told me was because you wanted me to know that… you’d seen me that night two years ago – when your dad let me sleep in your room that one time.” And I smelled your boxers and jerked off in your fleshlight.

“Yeah,” said Kabb. “I saw you.”

Another awkward silence followed.

 

Kabb was sitting there wearing short shorts and one of those sleeveless tank tops that guys wear to the gym. It made his arms look absolutely divine. He was manspreading; the way he felt so comfortable taking up space just drew me in.

Damn it. This is so awkward. Is that all he’s going to say? Is that what I have to reply to? I’d be falling all over myself to forgive someone if I were him, but he’s comfortable with the uncomfortable silences; he knows he has nothing to be ashamed of and I’m the one who is powerless in this situation.

“So, I just wanted to apologize for that night,” I finally said.

“Why?” Kabb asked.

“Why am I apologizing? Don’t you know?” Why is he acting like he doesn’t know what I’m talking about? Why is he forcing me to humiliate myself again by saying out loud what I did?

“Nathaniel,” he said, “we’re adults. Apologize or don’t, but stop wasting my time. This isn’t some cute game.” Incredibly, he still didn’t look at all annoyed. His dominance was so absolute that it was clear I was on his time; he wasn’t on mine. 

Why is he taking this so damn seriously?

“OK,” I said. “Kabb, I’m sorry for smelling your underwear that night, and I’m sorry I masturbated into your fleshlight.” The words came out of my mouth extra quickly, but at least they were out there.

Another awkward pause followed. 

“So… do you accept my apology? Are we cool?”

Kabb looked at me straight in the eye, like eye contact was a weapon. He still seemed eerily emotionless. “No, man. We’re not cool.”

I wanted to cry. “You said you didn’t hate me, but it sure seems like you do. I said I was sorry and you’re making me feel like crap.” I figured my only hope was to make myself pitiable.

“Nathaniel, stop playing the victim. You don’t see how predatory and messed up what you did was?”

“Predatory? Aren’t you exaggerating, Kabb? I’m not saying it was right, but you’re a big, strong guy and I’m not. How am I a threat to you?”

“Imagine if I had gone into some woman’s bedroom and smelled her underwear and used her sex toys to pleasure myself,” he said, sounding so disgusted. “I’d be in jail. You’re honestly lucky that I didn’t come home from college the next morning to confront you, because I kind of wanted to. Do you make a habit of doing stuff like that?”

“I used to,” I admitted, “but it was before my baptism. I’ve honestly… really changed, and become more intentional with my actions.”

“I hope so,” he said, and let it hang there in yet more silence.

“Do you forgive me?” I finally asked again.

“I want to know why you did it,” he said, still not breaking eye contact with me. Kabb was intense! I wanted to melt under his gaze.  

“I… I was just… so attracted to you. And I couldn’t help myself.” 

He looked kinda disgusted… but also kind of fascinated in spite of himself. “If you couldn’t help yourself then, what makes it so you can help yourself now? You’re sitting across from me. You must want to touch me. How do you stop yourself?”

Jesus.

“When I have those urges,” I replied, “I take them to the Lord. I repent instead of acting on them.”

“Do you really?”

“Why… why do you care so much, Kabb?”

“I wasn’t going to say anything, Nathaniel. You asked, so the nice thing for me to do is tell you that there are guys I know who would have beat you up if they’d seen you doing that. You say you’ve changed, but it kinda sounds like you’re only saying that because you like being around here – because you like being around me, and you like being around my dad.”

“Jesus, Kabb. I’m trying to see things from your point of view, but, with all due respect, your perspective seems… kind of homophobic to me.”

“Stop that. Stop turning yourself into the victim. You acted out. You took advantage of being in my room to violate my privacy when you thought I couldn’t see you. You acted like a predator. This has nothing to do with homophobia. I’m sure there are plenty of gay guys who can control themselves in that situation. It’s not because you’re gay. There’s something about you that just… disregards whether or not people consent to your interest.” 

Does he know? Did Krell tell him what I did to Grayson? Why is he acting like I have a pattern of violating consent, unless he knows about Grayson?

“Kabb, I’m honestly just… I don’t know, surprised, I guess. I don’t know where this is coming from. I’ve never had someone react like this before.” I was so used to being irresistible candy to straight guys. To find one that was so disturbed by my behavior, so put off by my actions… well… I’m not gonna lie, it was kind of intoxicating. I wanted to win him over so badly, and his defiant attitude was only making me want him even more. I wanted to find that spot deep down inside of him that was turned on by what I’d done, and I wanted to exploit it. 

Maybe he’s right. I find someone who can’t stand me, and that only turns me on. I do have a pattern of disregarding consent. I haven’t changed at all. I can dress it up and try to hide it as much as I want, but I’m still the same person I always was.

“You’ve never had someone react like this before?” Kabb asked, sounding both incredulous and judgmental as he repeated my words back to me. “So this isn’t the first time, and it sounds like it’s not going to be the last.”

“Do you… know?” I finally asked. I was convinced that he knew about what I did to Grayson. I was less sure how he’d found out, but my first guess was that Krell had told him.

“Do I know what?”

“There was another incident in my past where I… wanted a straight guy and I did something I shouldn’t have done because I wanted him so badly. It’s just… you seem to know me so well after just meeting me, it’s almost like you know about my past.”

“I didn’t bother siccing a P.I. on you or anything, Nathaniel, but it doesn’t surprise me.”

“Why are you judging me so much, Kabb? Don’t act like you haven’t sinned. We’re all sinners. What’s important is trying to change – trying to repent. You’re a good looking guy – a Division 1 college football player. Don’t tell me there’s no sexual sin in your life. At the very least, you had a fleshlight, and masturbation is against our religion – and you had to have had a girlfriend in college you were sexually active with.”

“I’m a virgin, Nathaniel,” he said, with no trace of fear, regret, or shame. 

“Well, I am, too – well, I’m a reborn virgin since my baptism. I haven’t had sex in two years – and unlike you, I’m looking at the rest of my life with no sex. You’ll get married to a woman and have as much sex as you want. I can’t, because the Lord doesn’t approve of same-sex relationships, so I’m condemned to a lifetime of celibacy.”

“There’s that victim act again. Celibacy is your choice, Nathaniel, and it’s a respectable choice. Are you wavering in it? Is that why you’re always here? Are you in love with me or something? Or are you in love with my dad? Are you trying to trick us into breaking our covenants with you? I’m straight, and so is my dad. Neither one of us is going to make your homosexual fantasies come true.”

“I’m not trying to make you do that.”

“Good,” he said. “Did you tell Pastor Snyder about what you did?”

“He knows about what I did to the other guy… but not about what I did to you.”

“Well, I think you should confess. If you’re really serious about changing, part of repentance is coming to terms with your past sins. Talk to me when you’ve confessed. Otherwise, I don’t believe that you’re serious about changing.”

“But Kabb, if I tell him, I’ll have to tell him about your fleshlight. Are you sure you want me to do that?”

“I’ve already told him about the fleshlight, and I’ve repented for that. Nathaniel, I’m not a hypocrite. I wouldn’t ask you to do work that I’m not prepared to do myself.” 

I had to respect Kabb for that, so that Sunday, I made an appointment to speak to Pastor Snyder. I’d already confessed to him about my dalliance with Grayson, but I hadn’t mentioned to him the incident with Kabb’s fleshlight. So strong was my need for Kabb to like me that it was a price I was willing to pay.

I told him everything: about how I’d masturbated while smelling Kabb’s underwear, and about how I’d jerked off with Kabb’s fleshlight, getting so turned on by knowing that my dick was in the exact same sex toy that Kabb had probably ejaculated inside of hundreds of times. 

As I confessed, Pastor Snyder’s expression was unreadable. I wondered how he felt about my confessions. My exhibitionist side started getting off on imagining that he was picturing my depraved masturbation session in his mind. I didn’t spare any details, so he could have painted quite a vivid picture with his imagination if he’d been so inclined. 

When I was finished, Pastor Snyder thanked me for my honesty, praised me for my humility, and told me that Jesus Christ had already absolved me of my sins, but that my willingness to humble myself and change made me an exemplary Christian. 

Afterward, I pulled Kabb into an empty Sunday School classroom and told him that I’d confessed to Pastor Snyder. I’d expected some sort of acknowledgement – maybe that we’d hug it out, or at least a pat on the shoulder and a “well done.” He just nodded and left the room. I was left with a terrible empty feeling. I’d humiliated myself by confessing my depravity, and it seemed like I’d gained nothing out of it at all. 

That afternoon, after Sunday dinner at Grayson’s house, I knocked on the door of Kabb’s room. 

“Come in,” he bellowed in his deep, manly voice. I opened the door. Kabb was lounging on his bed shirtless, reading the Bible. 

“Hey. I’m sorry to interrupt your bible study. Do you have a minute to talk?”

“Sure,” he said. I closed his bedroom door and walked over to the bed. His tanned, muscular body looked absolutely enticing, especially his perfect, juicy pecs. I felt so much desire for him being so close to his big, imposing, shirtless body. I wanted to keep the conversation respectful, but the air was so full of his masculine pheromones that my head was swimming. I popped a boner pretty quickly.

“So,” I said, “it still kinda feels like you don’t like me, Kabb.”

“I have no problem with you,” he said matter-of-factly. “You just hang around too much.”

“Is it really so bad to have someone around who just… admires you, as a person? I mean… you’re bigger than I am, Kabb. A lot bigger. Am I really a threat to you?”

“I guess not.”

“I mean… maybe you should be flattered – that I was so turned on by you that I couldn’t help myself.”

“I’m not flattered, Nathaniel. I’m grossed out. I’m creeped out – and if you ever do it again… Dude. Just don’t do anything like that, ever again. OK?”

“Do you want me to stay away? I’ll stay away if you don’t want me around. It’s your house, not mine.”

“I’m not comfortable around you,” he said. 

That hurt. I began to tear up. “I really am so sorry, Kabb. It was really embarrassing telling Pastor Snyder about what I did. But I did it. I went back to that place of sin and I told him. Doesn’t that… mean anything to you?”

An awkward silence followed.

He just looked at me, his jaw tightening, the muscle in his cheek shifting as if he was fighting something back.

My throat burned. The silence stretched until it began to ache. I searched his face for some sign — anger, forgiveness, anything. But his eyes were unreadable, soft and stern all at once, the way a storm looks right before it breaks.

My lips quivered as I was overcome with remorse.

“It does, Nathaniel. You did the right thing.”

He leaned closer, and before I could look away, his hand came up — rough, steady — and he wiped the tear from my cheek. Fuck, that felt good.

“You talk way too much,” he said, as if to try to cheer me up. Then he flashed his ten-million-dollar smile at me and ruffled my hair. 

“I know,” I said. “I always have.” God, he is so fucking good looking.

“Do you want to join my bible study?” he asked, extending me the olive branch. I nodded. Then I spent the next three hours in Kabb’s room reading bible passages and discussing their meanings with him. I really wanted to impress him with my insights, and show him how seriously I’d taken my religious conversion. 

After a few hours, he said he was hungry, and so we left his room to go downstairs and get some leftovers to munch on as we continued our conversation about the Bible. 

As we walked down the hallway together, we passed Krell’s room. As we did, Krell looked up and gave me the look of death. It was honestly a little hard to not laugh at Krell’s dramatics, as he glared at me so intensely that it was almost like he was trying to manifest laser eyes to shoot me with. 

I’d never understood why Krell didn’t want to just get along with me. I remember the first time I watched “Glee” when I was twelve years old, and there was a gay character– Kurt– on it. I don’t even think I’d realized yet at that point that I was gay, but I’d instantly felt a special kind of kinship or brotherhood with Kurt. I’ve always felt that way about all gay men, even ones I didn’t know.

Krell, on the other hand, treated being a gay man like it was a competition which could only have one winner, and thus the existence of every other gay man in the world was a personal affront to him. When Krell identified another gay man in his vicinity, it’s like he instantly began plotting against him, like all the other gay men were his rivals or something. It was absolutely maniacal. 

It had been two years since I’d seen Krell drink Grayson’s cum. In that time, Krell’s “Cindy” persona had truly taken on a life of her own. Her wardrobe was like something out of a 1980s primetime soap opera. Krell was saving money on rent since he still lived with his parents, so he must have spent every dollar he earned as “Cindy” on female power suits and expensive jewelry. 

Incredibly, Craig and “Cindy” were still dating. Sometimes Krell would record their sex with his cell phone and text clips to me – which I never watched, of course, being an Evangelical Christian convert. I could see enough from the thumbnails to know that Krell and Craig were flip fucking – something I’d never attempted in my life. 

Before I’d been reincarnated as a delicate virgin, I had always been a total bottom. I’d never even been curious about topping. 

In my new life as a rich, twenty-six-year-old twink with a good job and a luxury apartment, I should have been getting my ass pounded every night by the hottest tops the Bay Area had to offer, but I was “retired.” I felt like an old maid at times. Even though I was still young and good looking, I’d already accepted my fate. I was determined that my ass wasn’t going to be used again until Grayson was good and ready to use it himself, and I knew all too well that Grayson was determined not to.

Sure enough, the following day at work, “Cindy” was stealing dirty looks at me all day. I just tried to ignore it. The last thing I needed was for Grayson to think that I was the source of drama at the office. 

Sometimes Cindy bothered me so much that I would think about applying for a job at another company, but that would mean Grayson would no longer be my boss. I’d still see him in church, sure, but I doubted that we’d keep the close bond we had. We actually were incredibly tight. Grayson was kind of like a surrogate dad to me in a way with the amount of time we spent together. I acted the part perfectly, or parts, really, since at any given moment  I was supposed to be Grayson’s employee, fellow church member, or friend –  but he was always so much more to me than any of those. I wanted to keep him in my life as much as I could, so finding a new job was just out of the question, even though Cindy made my life hell as often as she could.

“I just got my dress for Kabb’s party,” Cindy announced, sashaying into my office. “I had it custom made in Milan. Guess how much it cost me?”

“Wait a minute,” I said. “You can’t seriously be thinking of going to the party dressed as Cindy. You’ve gotten away with your drag show so far, but if you show up at Kabb’s party, someone will recognize you.”

“Of course I’m showing up as Cindy. I’m going to look so glamorous on Craig’s arm. And who’s your date? George Glass?” 

“Cindy, why are you such a bitch to me? What have I ever even done to you?”

“Relax, Nathaniel, I was just kidding. I’m sure it’s perfectly normal and not-at-all-pathetic that you never go on any dates with anybody.”

“At least I’m true to my covenants. I don’t pray the rosary with one breath and suck dick with the next, unlike some people I know.”

“Don’t judge me, Nathaniel. My sex life is between me and God. It’s none of your business. Maybe if you had your own sex life, you’d stop being so fucking fascinated with mine.”

“You wouldn’t even have a sex life if it weren’t for me. Don’t forget, I’m the one that brought you and Craig together in the first place. You’re welcome, by the way.”

“You are such a fucking hypocrite. The only reason you set me up with Craig is that I promised to be quiet about the desperate fucking text messages you were sending my dad. Anyway, it’s been two years, bitch. Craig may have noticed me because of you, but he stayed because he loves me.”

“Fine. Congratulations. We are not in competition, so why do you act like we are?”

“Because we’re two of a kind, Nathaniel. I know how you think. I know what you feel. You’re not content to just hang around and keep a low profile forever. You act like you are, but I know this entire persona you’ve put on is all fake. You act like you’re the perfect Christian, all repentant and changed by Jesus, but it’s just an excuse to hang around the type of men that you’re attracted to: straight men; jocks; manly guys like my father, and my brother, and my boyfriend. And when you think nobody’s looking, and you think they’ve let their guard down, you’re gonna try to trick them into fucking you – or worse, hold them at gunpoint and force them to fuck you. Well, it’s not going to happen. They’re mine, Nathaniel, not yours. I know you’re just biding your time, waiting to make a move. Well, my dad may be fooled, and Kabb may be fooled, and Craig may be fooled, but I’m not. I will not stand back and let you sink your disgusting claws into a good man again.”

I was shocked – not by Krell’s low opinion of me, but by how viciously succinct he’d been in summarizing it.

“Did you practice that speech in front of the mirror, Krell? Trying to win your Best Actress in a Drama Emmy? Listen, honey, I know you and Craig like to flip flop, but now it’s time to stop. Grayson doesn’t belong to you, and neither does Kabb, and neither does Craig for that matter. I’m going to interact with them any way I want to, and your opinion doesn’t mean a damn thing. Wouldn’t it just eat you up if you knew that your dad is already letting me give him head under his desk everyday? And there’s nothing you can do to stop it.” I grinned.

“You liar,” said Krell.

“Maybe. You have no way of knowing. He and I were alone in the office together last night. Unless you stay after work every day, your dad can fuck me as much as his heart desires and there’s nothing you can do about it. Let’s be real, Krell. I know what this is all about. You’re bitter because I sucked your dad’s dick, and you didn’t. You’re jealous.”

“You’re disgusting,” Krell spat.

“Oh, don’t act all innocent. I was there when you drank your dad’s cum out of a mug, Krell. Remember? Go ahead and show up to Kabb’s party wearing some designer gown. You really think you’re making me jealous? You think I give a rat’s ass what you do? I had my mouth stuffed full of your daddy’s dick, princess, and it was delicious. Now get the fuck out of my office, bitch.”

“I hate you. You are a backstabbing cunt, and I don’t care if I’m the only one who sees you for who you really are. I swear to God, Nathaniel, one of these days, I’m going to show everyone your true colors. Mark my words. You’re going to get exactly what’s coming to you, and when you do, you’ll be out on the street, where you belong.” 

With that, Krell/Cindy stormed out of my office. 

Later that evening, I was so caught up with work that I didn’t realize I’d lost track of the time. I looked up and realized it was already six-thirty! I got out of my office chair to stretch and looked at the main floor of the office. Everyone else seemed to be gone.

“Working late?” a voice asked. I turned around. It was Grayson.

“You startled me,” I said. 

“Sorry about that,” he said, walking closer to me. “Looks like we’re the last two in the office.” He placed his hand on my shoulder, then looked into my eyes. Both his touch and his look lasted just a moment longer than they needed to. I looked back into his eyes. And I saw it.

He’s thinking about kissing me. I can tell. He wants to. He’s thinking about whether he can get away with it. He’s trying to have the self-control not to. He’s reminding himself I’m his employee, and he has a wife, and he has religion, and– 

Before I knew it, Grayson had leaned in and softly placed his lips on mine. Then he wrapped his arms around my back and pulled me close to him.

Finally. I’ve been waiting two years for this. Oh, Grayson… 

I closed my eyes and submissively parted my lips; his tongue darted into my mouth greedily. I felt his manly stubble rubbing against my cheek. I felt the hardness in his pants pressing up against my body. I smelled his expensive macho cologne.

I don’t know how much time passed, but it felt like hours – like we’d been transported to our own private world where all that mattered was our love and the kiss that we’d both waited two years for. Grayson had kissed me before, prompted by Buddy, but finally, he’d kissed me because he wanted to.

I hoped that he’d pick me up and move my body to the nearest piece of horizontal furniture and make love to me, but after a few moments, he jerked back violently. 

“Nathaniel, please,” he said, “I’m a married man. We can’t be doing this.” He was scolding me like some naughty child.

“You kissed me, Grayson!” I protested. 

“I know, but I’m telling you, this has to stop. I kissed you because of the way you looked at me – the way you’ve been looking at me for two years, Nathaniel. Do you know how hard it’s been for me to resist? How full of sweetness your face is? How full of desire? Do you know how every time you wear a tight pair of pants to work I think about how I parted your cheeks and…” Grayson trailed off, trying to regain his sense of control. “God help me. You can’t keep doing this to me.”

“You act like I’m the only one, Grayson. It takes two to tango. You lied to me, you know – when Buddy had the gun pointed at me and you told me you loved me. You lied and said you only said that because you thought I was about to die. But I knew the truth. I’ve known since the first time you made love to me. Two people can’t have that kind of tenderness during lovemaking unless there’s feelings going both ways. Don’t do this to me now, Grayson. Don’t spoil the moment we just had – the moment we both waited two fucking years for – by acting like this is just some pathetic one-way crush the gay guy has on his unavailable, straight, married boss. It stopped being that a long time ago.”

“I do love you, Nathaniel. I admit that. I’ve admitted it to myself and to God, and asked so many times for Him to take these feelings away from me. But love doesn’t change anything. This is wrong, on so many levels. You’ve met my wife, and my kids. Do you really want to be the one responsible for taking their dad away from them?” 

“Who says that has to happen, Grayson? Ethical non-monogamy is a thing. Heck, your wife is a cancer survivor. I know there’s no way she can keep up with your libido. You made love to me, Grayson, and when you did, it felt like you were throwing the kind of fuck that had been pent up inside you for years, if not decades. Maybe Vanessa will be relieved if I take the responsibility of keeping you satisfied off of her shoulders. Maybe she’ll embrace the arrangement.”

“I believe in marriage,” Grayson said, “not ‘arrangements.’” He spit out the final word like it was shit on his lips. “Now I’m serious, Nathaniel: no more longing glances. No more prancing in front of me in cute outfits. No more double entendres. No more covert flirtation. What just happened can never happen again and will never happen again. You got it?”

“Sure, Grayson,” I said bitchily, adding an eye roll for good measure. “I got it.” Then I turned around and walked out of the office.

I thought that night about Grayson and about my religious covenants. The love I had for Grayson was beautiful and pure; I knew that to be true. I also knew in my heart that the God I believed in would never ask me to walk away from that kind of love. Therefore, there had to be something wrong in any church doctrine that asked me to. I suddenly realized that I no longer needed to conform to what organized religion expected of me. If it was a choice between church and Grayson, I was going to choose Grayson.

Now how do I get him to agree to that?

I didn’t see much of Grayson at work the next day, or even for the rest of the week. I went over to his house on Saturday night for dinner, and he barely spoke to me or even looked at me. It really hurt.

He’s the one who kissed me, and now he’s punishing me for it. Maybe he’s not the man I built him up to be in my mind. 

“Nathaniel, are you coming over Friday afternoon to get ready?” Mrs. Nash asked me at dinner.

“Huh? Get ready?” I had been lost in thought and had no idea what she was talking about.

“Friday afternoon,” she repeated. “It’s Kabb’s party. I thought you might want to come over here and we’d all drive into San Francisco as a family.”

I looked at Grayson, who finally made eye contact with me for the first time in days. I wasn’t sure whether he still wanted us to get ready together at the office. I wondered if he was afraid to be alone with me. 

He finally spoke up. “Remember, honey? Nathaniel and I are going to go to the party together, straight from the office. It doesn’t make sense for us to come out here and then drive all the way back. “Does that still work for you, Nathaniel?”

“Sure, Grayson. Sounds like a plan.”

When Friday came, Grayson sent everyone home at noon. The office had been invited to Kabb’s party, but aside from Craig and Cindy, I wasn’t expecting anyone from work to show up. Most of the people at work were not very religious, and even though everyone loved Grayson, they also considered him somewhat of a kook. 

I got dressed in my office and Grayson got dressed in his. I was afraid the ride was going to be awkward after what had happened between us.

“Nathaniel, you look great,” he said, walking into my office already dressed in his tuxedo.

I was dressed in mine as well. “Thanks, Grayson. So do you, but… I forgot how to tie a bow tie. Can you help me?”

“Sure,” he said. He walked over to me and lifted up my shirt collar. He was a few inches taller than me, but I made eye contact with him as he tied the bow tie for me.

Even though he’s mad at me, he still has that twinkle in his eyes.

“There,” he said, expertly finishing tying the tie in just a minute. He patted me on the shoulders.

“Thanks, Grayson. Look, I wanted to apologize for what happened last week.”

Not removing his hands from my shoulders, he gave me the look a father gives when he’s about to lecture a wayward adolescent.

I’m a grown man, Grayson, not a teenager – and you’re not my father. I’m getting sick of being treated like this.

“Tonight is about Kabb, Nathaniel. Let’s just focus on celebrating him and not thinking about that.”

“I can’t help it, Grayson. I love you. I can’t be in the same room with you without thinking about that.”

“I need you to try. Can you do that?”

I nodded, choking back tears.

Grayson barely spoke a word to me after that as we drove over to the venue. When we arrived, Mrs. Nash and Kabb were already there. Mrs. Nash had shown up in a beautiful gown. When I saw her stand next to Grayson, they looked like the perfect, picturesque couple: both blonde, both gorgeous, both dressed to the nines. 

Grayson had always dressed nice for work and church, but I’d never seen him dressed so formally. I envied Mrs. Nash for getting to be the woman on his arm the whole night. 

Then I pulled my eyes away from them to look at Kabb, and my jaw almost literally dropped. The way his muscles filled out his tuxedo so nicely made him look like the most perfectly wrapped present. 

What the hell am I doing here? How much longer am I going to pretend? 

The staff showed us to our table; the four of us were to be seated in the middle of the room, because Kabb was the star of the show. Unfortunately, none of the other Nash kids were able to make it (well, officially, anyway. Krell was planning on showing up as Cindy, unbeknownst to his family.) There must have been at least two hundred of the most prominent Evangelical Christians in the Bay Area there. These were mostly upper middle class to wealthy people, and everyone looked great… but of course, nobody made a bigger entrance than Cindy.

Cindy walked into the ballroom like she owned the place – like a model walking down the runway. The doors parted as though commanded by her will alone. “Gliding” was a better word; the sweep of her gown devoured the marble floor like a tide of midnight satin. Light clinged to her, snared in the violent gleam of sequins and lamé that shimmered across her sculpted bodice, catching every eye.

Her shoulders  rose like jeweled battlements above the narrowed fortress of her waist. From there, the gown erupted — a surge of black silk and metallic silver, tier upon tier cascading with operatic excess, each rustle a declaration of her dominion. 

The air shifted in her wake. Men straightened their ties and women adjusted their jewels, but all in vain. Their efforts withered under the sheer spectacle of her entrance. She did not smile. She did not need to. Her gown spoke for her — elegance sharpened into weaponry, sophistication honed into power. To look away would have been an act of cowardice, but to stare too long would be a surrender.

Finally, she caught my eye and smirked at me, as if the whole spectacle had specifically been engineered just to personally spite me. I rolled my eyes. 

“Who is that?” I overheard Mrs. Nash ask Grayson.

“That’s Cindy,” Grayson said. “She’s the head of my graphic design department. Very talented young lady.”

“I can’t place it,” Mrs. Nash said, “but she looks so dang familiar.”

Oh, if you only knew.

After a few glasses of sparkling cider, I really had to take a leak. I excused myself to the restroom. 

As I was drying my hands, somebody shoved me face-first against the wall.

“Hi, Nathaniel.”

“Buddy. What are you doing here?” He was pressing me against the wall with all of his weight. I couldn’t move. He smelled like cigarettes and body odor. I may have worked out, but my strength was no match for his. He had the type of strength that comes from hard work – the kind you couldn’t get in the gym. 

“I came to check on you,” he said. “I heard you haven’t taken a dick in almost two years. Maybe you need me to change that.” He was licking my neck and my ear. I was disgusted. He was so grungy and gross. My body, starved of male affection, responded, and I got a hard-on pretty quickly in spite of his atrocious personal hygiene.

Buddy reached around from behind me and felt my body, starting from my chest and traveling all the way down to my dick.

“You’re so hard for me,” he said. “Just like two years ago. Remember that? You were practically begging me to fuck you. Well, maybe tonight’s your lucky night.”

“Buddy, please. I don’t want this. You must know how disgusting you are.”

“You get turned on from being degraded, remember? Don’t act like you don’t want it. There’s nothing I could do to you that wouldn’t have your hard dick dripping all over that fucking expensive tux you’re wearing.”

“Let me go,” I said. I whimpered, struggling to break free of his grip.

“What I want to know is if your boss is still fucking you. The family man. The perfect Christian. The rich motherfucker. Did you know he’s been paying me $5000 a month for the past two years to stay away from you? He must really love you.”

While Buddy could have been making that up, I was inclined to believe it. 

“How could you blackmail a fellow Christian like that, Buddy?” I asked. “You just keep getting lower and lower.” I wish I could say it sounded good, but I was still struggling in vain against his hobo strength. My voice cracked, and even after I got the words out, I was still whimpering in frustration. I probably sounded like a teenage girl. 

Buddy laughed out loud. “God, you’re fucking cute when you fight back. Does Daddy Grayson like that too, Nathaniel? Do you try to escape so he’s forced to dominate you? I know how much you like a dominant man.”

“Grayson’s not fucking me, Buddy. I haven’t had sex with a man in two years – not since… well, you know.”

“Not since the night you paid me to force Grayson to fuck you, right? I still watch the video all the time, you know. God, it fucking turns me on seeing the way you submit to him. You just get this look in your eyes while he’s fucking you. I’ve never in my life seen someone as desperate for dick as you were.”

“Well go home and jerk off to your video, Buddy. Please, just let me go and get the hell out of here! This party is to celebrate Grayson’s son, and you’re going to ruin everything if you make some kind of scene.”

“I don’t want to make a scene,” he said. “I’m just gonna fuck you in the bathroom and leave. Don’t act like you haven’t been fucked in a men’s room before, slut. Now let’s get your slacks down and get you out of those panties. I’m gonna have you squealing in pleasure before you know it.”

“No!” I protested as Buddy reached around and unbuttoned and unzipped my pants, pulling them down with animalistic force and desire.

“Get off of him, or I’ll kill you,” said a deep voice. Suddenly, Buddy let me go. We both whipped around, and saw…

Kabb.

“Well, well, well,” said Buddy. “You’re the son, aren’t you? The Christ Child who just got back from bringing Jesus to Africa.” As Buddy spoke, I pulled my pants back up, buttoned them up, and smoothed the wrinkles out of my clothes with my hands. “Are you fucking him, too? Nathaniel, do you have the whole Nash family running train on you? You’re a sneaky little skank, aren’t you?”

“This is your final warning,” said Kabb. He looked angry. I knew that if I were Buddy, I would not have wanted to mess with Kabb. The dude was a giant – an absolute unit of a man. Finally, I got a good look at Buddy’s face for the first time. He looked gaunt, like he’d aged fifteen years since the last time I’d seen him. It seemed to me like the five grand in hush money Grayson was paying to Buddy every month was probably all going toward heroin. Even though Buddy had just been trying to rape me a moment ago, I felt pity for him – and responsibility, like it was my fault he’d gone down this dark parth.

Maybe Buddy wouldn’t have turned to heroin if I’d never paid him to make Grayson fuck me in the first place.

“Come on,” Buddy said to Kabb, “let’s Eiffel Tower him. You can have his mouth and I’ll take his ass. He’ll love it.”

That was when Kabb punched Buddy’s lights out – two hits, and one of them was Buddy hitting the ground.

For a few seconds, I was worried. I couldn’t hear Buddy breathing, and he was lying motionless on the floor. Then I heard him take in a labored breath. To my shock, Kabb picked him up by the scruff of the neck.

“Kabb!” I said. “You don’t need to be so rough.” 

Kabb ignored me. It was probably for the best, even though it didn’t feel like it at the time. All of his fury was directed at Buddy, and I had never heard anyone sound angrier or more threatening. “You get away from this party,” he said, “Or I’ll make you wish you had. Do you understand that?”

Buddy’s nose was bleeding, and possibly broken. He was probably high on something, and seemed completely disoriented. 

“Kabb, come on. You already proved your point. You don’t have–”

“YOU GOT THAT?” Kabb repeated, his face an inch away from Buddy’s.

“Yes,” Buddy finally managed to wheeze out. 

“Good. Now get out of here.”

Buddy stood up. He gave me a disapproving look, shook his head, and stumbled out of the room. 

“Do you want to tell me what that was about?” Kabb asked me.

“Kabb, thank you so much. I don’t even want to think about what he would have done if you hadn’t –”

“Save it, Nathaniel. Just save it already. I heard everything you both just said, and I’m trying to make sense of it in my mind. Now, you’re going to tell me exactly what’s going on between you and my dad, and this time, no lies.”

“Kabb, I’m begging you. This is your party. Just let it go. We can talk about this another time. I don’t want to ruin your night.”

“You told me there was another incident in your past… where you wanted a straight guy so badly that you did something you shouldn’t have done. Nathaniel. It was my dad, wasn’t it? Don’t lie to me.”

I was already thinking back to the time two years ago when Grayson had first figured out that I had paid Buddy, and he’d confronted me. I’d tried to lie to Grayson, but it had been impossible. He was a human lie detector, and Kabb was the same way, only more intense and absolutely jacked. I was actually scared that Kabb was going to hurt me if I told him the truth, but had no idea what he might do if he thought I was lying to him. 

“Kabb… your dad forgave me a long time ago. Please. You don’t need to do anything you might regret.”

“Forgave you for what Nathaniel? I just want to hear you say it.”

“That man. That man who was just here, Buddy. Two years ago, I paid him a lot of money to hold me and your dad at gunpoint. He forced your dad to let me perform oral sex on him. Then he forced your dad to perform anal sex on me. But I messed up. I said Buddy’s name when I shouldn’t have had any way of knowing it.”

“But how did my dad know his name?”

“Because your dad knew him. I didn’t know that when I hired him. It was just a terrible coincidence. Your dad went to Buddy’s church when your dad was trying to raise money for hurricane relief or something.”

“I thought he looked familiar.”

“Buddy fell on some hard times and he had a grudge against your dad. Kabb, you have to believe me, I regretted it all instantly.”

“And Pastor Snyder knows about this? Who else knows?”

“Pastor Snyder knows. Your mother knows. Krell knows.”

“Krell?! So that’s why he hates you so much.”

“You knew Krell hated me?”

“Nathaniel, I’m not Helen Keller. I knew the first time I was in the same room with both of you that he hated you.” 

I actually laughed at that line. Then, looking at Kabb’s face, I realized it was no time to be laughing. He was pissed. I tried to get serious again. “But your parents don’t know that Krell knows. Krell found out by accident, kind of like you just did. You can’t tell them that you know.”

“I’m not going to let you manipulate me, Nathaniel. I’m going to tell my dad what I know, and I’m going to tell him to report you to the police. That’s what he should have done two years ago.” 

“I can’t stop you if that’s what you want to do, Kabb, but just try to see this from your dad’s point of view. Imagine how humiliated he would be if he knew that two of his sons knew about what happened. It’d change your relationship forever. Maybe he’d never recover from that. Kabb, he’s gotten over what happened. Why re-open the wound unnecessarily?”

Kabb didn’t respond right away. He appeared to be mulling it over.

Then the men’s room door swung open, and there was Grayson.

“There you two are!” he said. “Come on, we need our Man of the Hour. They’re about to present you with your honorary plaque, Kabb.” Then he seemed to notice the intense scene he’d walked in on. “Kabb, you’ve got… blood on your first. What’s going here?”

Kabb, who was trying to get Buddy’s blood out with a towel, looked over at me. I begged him in my mind, and with my eyes, not to tell Grayson that he’d punched Buddy, or that he knew the truth about how I’d paid Buddy to force Grayson to fuck me. 

“There was… a homeless guy trying to mug Nathaniel, dad,” Kabb said. “I had to hit him to get him to leave.” 

I breathed a sigh of relief.

“Oh my God,” Grayson said. “Nathaniel, are you OK? We should call 911.”

“No, I’m fine, really, Grayson – and this is San Francisco. They’ve got bigger emergencies; they’re not going to come just for a mugging anyway. I don’t want to ruin Kabb’s party. Let’s just go back to the table so he can get his plaque. He’s earned this.”

Grayson patted me on the shoulders with both hands. “I’m just glad you’re OK.” He brought me in for a hug. Over Grayson’s shoulder, I could see Kabb glaring at me. He didn’t appreciate the fact that I’d just roped him into a lie. 

Grayson, Kabb and I walked back to the table at the center of the ballroom. Waiting for us there was Pastor Snyder, who had a microphone in hand. I guessed they’d asked him to be the Master of Ceremonies for the evening. 

He placed his hand on Kabb’s shoulder and began speaking into the microphone. “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you all so much for being here tonight. You represent the best and brightest of the Bay Area’s Evangelical Christian community. As you know, tonight we’re here to honor a very special young man, and one I’ve had the pleasure of watching grow up. The young man I’m speaking about is Kabb Nash.”

The audience applauded. Kabb smiled at everyone and waved.

“Kabb played Division I football at UCLA, where he also maintained a 4.0 grade point average. He turned down an offer from the Canadian Football League so he could serve a two year mission in Central Africa, and we’ve made a slideshow of some of the highlights of Kabb’s mission. I’d like you all to direct your attention to the screen at the front of the room.”

We all did just that, myself included. There was, indeed, a giant screen there. Anything that played on it would be clearly visible to anyone watching from any corner of the room.

We didn’t end up getting a slideshow.

A mere moment later, a video started playing instead – the video Buddy had recorded two years ago of me sucking Grayson’s dick.

Suddenly, on a giant screen, with hundreds of Evangelical Christians watching, there was Grayson’s big, sturdy erection, and me lapping it up like an ice cream cone. The crowd was treated to video evidence of me tracing the dorsal vein of Grayson’s dick with my tongue, and the reaction on Grayson’s handsome face as he fought the conflicting emotions of shame and pleasure. The accompanying audio was loud, coming through speakers all over the room. You could hear Grayson’s moans of pleasure, the loud sucking and slurping noises, and my girlish whimpering. It was all out in the open for everyone to see – and hear.

I felt absolutely mortified. As much as I’d always enjoyed being an exhibitionist, this felt different somehow. I wasn’t getting the rush I usually got. I just felt dehumanized, with the deeply private act that should have been between me and Grayson on screen for everyone to see.

This is my comeuppance. It took two years, but I’m finally paying the price for what I did to Grayson. 

As I continued sucking Grayson’s dick on the big screen, the staff were scrambling to try to turn the video off, but it kept going for an embarrassingly long time. The assembled crowd got to see Grayson ejaculate, and me try to keep his sperm in my mouth per Buddy’s orders. Some of his sticky goo ran down my chin anyway due to the unusually large volume of semen he’d produced. 

Finally, the image on the video screen went black. I felt like everyone in the room was staring at me. 

“Folks, uhhh…” Pastor Snyder began. “I’m sorry for the technical difficulty, but we’re…. uhhhhh…. trying to find the right video. Just stay with us.” 

Grayson stood up and made a motion for Pastor Snyder to hand him the microphone. Even though the entire room had just seen him getting his dick sucked by a man – and seeming to LOVE it – Grayson didn’t look embarrassed or disturbed. He was as cool and calm as ever. I wondered how many times over the past two years he’d thought about that exact nightmare scenario occurring.

“I’m very sorry for what you all just saw,” Grayson said, addressing the audience. “It was obscene and you shouldn’t have seen it. What I want you to know is, Nathaniel and I didn’t have any choice. The act that you just saw was something a gunman forced us to do, and the gunman’s been blackmailing me for two years on threat that he’d release it. My wife knew about this, as did Pastor Snyder.”

“LIAR!” came a voice shrieking from the back of the room.

I turned my head, and there was Cindy rushing up to our table like a bat out of hell. She grabbed the microphone from a stunned Grayson.

“Grayson is covering for Nathaniel,” Cindy said for the whole room to hear. “The fact is, Nathaniel wanted Grayson, even though Grayson was a stand-up family man, a heterosexual, and a happily married, covenant-keeping Christian. Nathaniel paid a hobo to force Grayson at gunpoint to allow Nathaniel to perform the DISGUSTING sex act you just saw. Nathaniel is a sexual predator. Grayson is too kind to say it, but I’m not. And Nathaniel–”

And that’s when I had it. I stood up, and I grabbed Cindy’s wig off of her head. “I’ve been waiting two years to do this, you fucking bitch!” I yelled. Her beautiful blonde hair came off… but it still wasn’t obvious that it was Krell. 

“Nathaniel, what are you doing?” Grayson asked, scolding me. “You’re making this worse. Just sit down.”

I might as well. In for a penny, in for a pound…

I reached my hand right into Cindy’s dress and yanked out her falsie silicone boob inserts. I threw them on the floor where everyone could see.

With no wig and no boobs, there she stood, exposed in front of everyone as a drag queen. I tried to grab the microphone from her.

“No! Stop it! Grayson, help me!” Cindy shrieked, handing him the microphone.

“Stop it, Nathaniel!” Grayson commanded me. 

“I’ll stop,” I said, “but I have a reason. Let me have the microphone, and I can explain everything.”

“No!” Cindy begged, her mascara running as tears steamed down her face. “Don’t listen to him, Grayson! Please! He’s a liar,” 

“Both of you, sit down!” Grayson ordered us. 

“Cindy is Krell, Grayson!” I finally said. I didn’t have the microphone, but the room was so quiet I’m sure everyone heard me. “Krell has been pretending to be a woman at work for the past two years. In actuality, he’s a gay man. He’s a fraud. He didn’t want anyone to know because he didn’t think you would accept him.”

“Oh my gosh,” Grayson said. “Krell?” For the first time, I could see Grayson looking at Krell rather than Cindy. 

“Grayson, I’m so sorry,” I said. 

“Don’t worry, son,” he said to Krell as he hugged him. “We’re going to get you help. You’re still my son. You’re just confused. You’re not gay.”

I was stunned. “Grayson, open your eyes. He’s gay. He’s always been gay. And there’s nothing wrong with that.”

“He’s my son,” Grayson said, “and I know he can’t be gay. Now please, this is family business, and it doesn’t concern you!”

“It’s true, Daddy!” Krell said defiantly. “I’m gay! Craig is my boyfriend. We’ve been having sex for the past two years. Please, Daddy. You accepted Nathaniel. Why can’t you accept me? This is who I am.”

“Krell, we don’t need to discuss this right now,” Grayson said. “Let’s just go home and we’ll talk to Pastor Snyder tomorrow. Don’t worry, son. We’ll… We’ll figure this out. Whatever it is that’s making you feel this way, we’ll deal with it. We’ll fix it.”

“My God,” I said. “Would you listen to yourself, Grayson? There’s nothing wrong with him. There’s nothing that needs to be fixed – and you know what? There’s nothing wrong with me, either. You made me this way. You made me feel like I wasn’t good enough – like I had to change. You’re really a devil in disguise, aren’t you?”

“Stop it, Nathaniel,” Kabb said firmly, standing up and getting in my face. “You’ve done enough damage tonight. Go home. Nobody wants you here.”

“No, I’m not finished yet. I changed everything about myself for Grayson because he told me there was something wrong with the way I was – and all along, he kept me around because he wanted me to feel this way. He loved knowing how much I wanted him – how much I worshipped the ground he walked on – and he got off on it.”

“Not one more word from you!” Kabb yelled. “I don’t want to have to hurt you, Nathaniel, but I will. Now get out. This is my party, and you’re not welcome here anymore.”

“Is that true, Grayson?” I asked, looking up at him. “Am I not welcome?”

He looked at me like he didn’t even know me. 

The room was silent. 

“Fine,” I said. I walked toward the front door. I could feel the hundreds of sets of eyes on me, as if I was wearing a big Scarlet “A” and they were all judging me. As far as they were concerned, I was the interloper. In their eyes, I’d corrupted Grayson and Krell. In their eyes, I’d been faking the past two years of being a devout Christian. I’d taken advantage of their kindness and betrayed them, and, having cracked under the pressure and outed poor innocent Krell, I was persona non grata.

I turned around when I got to the door and took one last look at everyone. I recognized some of the husbands. They had been previous conquests of mine, and their wives probably had no idea. I thought of calling them all hypocrites – of pointing out every single so-called “straight” man in the room who had fucked me at one time or another. I thought of telling them how judgmental they all were, and how they were treating me like some kind of biblical harlot. I thought of quoting Matthew 7:1 to them, to expose them all. 

But in that moment, I realized that I was finally free. I didn’t care about their judgment anymore. Although in my heart I still loved Grayson deeply, I finally realized that I’d spent two years idealizing him. I’d conjured up the image of some perfect blond god in my mind, and that just wasn’t the real Grayson. He was a flawed human being, just like me. He was my equal, not my superior. I was seeing Grayson for who he truly was for the first time. 

I shouldn’t have changed for him, and Krell shouldn’t have to either.

I turned around and walked out of the room. It was cold outside; nights in San Francisco are almost always deceptively frigid, but I must have walked ten blocks without really feeling anything. Finally, I realized I lived too far to walk home, so I called an Uber.

I didn’t feel any regret on the ride back to my house. Maybe I should have felt bad after the way the night had gone, but finally having everything out in the open just felt liberating. 

I’ve changed so much in the past two years, but my original sin was paying Buddy, and I just kept the lies going after that. Before I knew it, the lies snowballed into something I couldn’t control. This was always bound to happen at some point. I’m not going to lie anymore. I need to be Nathaniel. I can’t be anyone else except for that. I can’t be the perfect celibate chaste little angel they all expect me to be.

I also began piecing together the puzzle of what had gone down that night. Buddy switched the videos. That’s why he showed up. Whatever. I don’t care anymore. I owe him a debt of gratitude. The truth has set me free. It may have been embarrassing having two hundred people watch me give a blowjob on the big screen, but I don’t have to live a lie anymore. And, hey, it was kinda cool seeing that hot blowjob from a different angle finally. Grayson’s reaction shots during the blowjob were so fucking hot.

When I finally arrived home, I was walking from the front of my building to my apartment. I was about to place my key in my keyhole to unlock my apartment door. And that’s when Buddy came out of the shadows, smoking a cigarette.

“Sorry about what happened,” he said to me, “but that wasn’t you – the goody-two-shoes Christian boy. You were trying to be something you weren’t.”

“Buddy, please, just go home. Leave me alone. I’m really not in the mood.”

“Those people are done with you now, Nathaniel. Do you really think they’ll welcome you back into their church after what they saw in that video? I didn’t do that to make you ashamed. I did it to remind you who you are.”

“Thank you. Sincerely. You set me free. Now go. I don’t ever want to see you again.”

“Nathaniel. Whether I have to force fuck you in an alley, or make love to you in your bed, I’m getting that cute ass of yours tonight – and Daddy’s not going to come save you anymore. He doesn’t love you. He never did.”

Maybe I should just let him have me. I’ve been waiting two years to get fucked. It might as well be Buddy who does it. 

“Buddy, please just go home,” I begged. 

He pinned me against my front door and began kissing me. I tried to push him off of me, but he was too strong. I could feel his boner pressing against my leg. I still found him utterly disgusting, but I had no fight left in me. I resigned myself to being raped by Buddy. 

“You want me. I know how badly you want me. Say you want me, Nathaniel.” He kept repeating it as he forced himself on me.

Just then, out of nowhere, Kabb showed up and pulled Buddy off of me. 

“Get out of here!” Kabb yelled at him. “This is your last warning.”

Buddy looked like he was considering fighting Kabb, but that didn’t last long. He turned around and scampered off into the night. 

“Kabb, thank you so much,” I said. “I was so scared that he was going to rape me.”

“You need to start carrying pepper spray or something. You’re not strong enough to fight him off. Must be those puny weights you’ve been lifting at the gym.” 

“Why did you come here, Kabb? I mean, I’m thankful you did, I just didn’t expect it.”

“I wanted to apologize for what I said, Nathaniel – telling you that you weren’t welcome, that nobody wanted you there. It wasn’t true. You’re part of our family. That whole scene… wasn’t your fault.”

“Would you mind coming inside and staying with me for a while? I’m just kind of scared he’ll come back.” 

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t remembering how Grayson got turned on by protecting me from Buddy. His dad had a throbbing boner when he thought he was my savior. Maybe Kabb has a thing for helping out a damsel in distress, too.

“Sure,” he said arrogantly. I barely perceived it, but I thought I noticed him puffing up his chest a little. I turned around and unlocked the front door, and Kabb followed me into my apartment. 

“Wow,” he said. “This is some place.” 

“Thanks,” I said as I searched for a bottle of whiskey I’d bought two years prior. I’d quit drinking after my baptism, but I knew I had a bottle saved somewhere in my apartment for a special occasion.

Finally, I found it in one of my kitchen cabinets. I poured a shot for Kabb and a shot for myself. I walked back over to him and handed him a shot glass.

“I actually don’t drink, Nathaniel,” he said, eyeing me suspiciously. 

“I know, but after that hellish night, I need one. You don’t mind if I drink?”

“Nathaniel, don’t give up who you are just because of what happened tonight. You’re still a child of God. Who cares what that room of people think? They’re just there because this is their social group. They’re not true Christians. You are. I could tell when we studied the Bible that you’ve read it front to back.”

I downed the shot of whiskey. “Kabb, I’ve been wondering something. The first day you got back from Africa, you got undressed in front of me. If you were so disgusted by what I did with your fleshlight, why did you flash me?”

“I wasn’t ‘flashing’ you, Nathaniel,” he said, making air quotes. “I was getting dressed. I played college football. It’s not abnormal for me, or sexual for me. I’m sorry that you felt that I was… I don’t know…. taunting you? If that’s how you took it, it wasn’t intentional.”

There’s that judgment – that Nash family judgment. Man, it’s brutal… but he’s lying. He stood there with his dick flopping around while he carried on an entire conversation with me. He was trying to make me want him, just like his dad does. That way the “sin” is all mine but they get the satisfaction of teasing the homo.

“You sure you don’t want any?” I finally said, breaking the awkward silence. Kabb shook his head no, so I picked up the other shot myself and downed it.

“Nathaniel, slow down. You haven’t drunk in a while, right? You could get really drunk if you start drinking too much all at once.”

“What, are you my protector now?” I asked. 

I’m so transparent. I’m turning right back into my old self. But fuck it. I don’t care. I can’t pretend anymore. I want him. And if I have to break out the old playbook, then so be it.

He walked over to me. He was still wearing his tuxedo. He looked so fucking good in it, the way his big manly body filled it out. I really wanted him to kiss me.

“Drinking your problems away is never a good idea. Nathaniel, you worked too darn hard to get where you’re at. Don’t throw it all away now.”

“What do you care, Kabb? You never liked me anyway.”

“I never said that. All I said was you talk too much, which you do. Anyway, you asked me to stay here. At least stop drinking as a favor to me. It’s a bummer being around drunk people when you’re sober.”

I sighed and fluttered my eyes at him flirtatiously. “OK. Fine. I’ll stop. You know, you can be very convincing when you want to be.” I heard my own voice getting progressively gayer. I’d specifically enunciated the word ‘convincing.’

“Thank you,” he said, chuckling a little. 

“What’s so funny?” I asked, making a pouty face.

“It’s just… so obvious what you’re doing, Nathaniel. You’re putting on the sad act to get me to pity you. The next step after pitying you is comforting you. And the next step after comforting you is… doing something I’ll regret tomorrow.”

I can’t believe he called out the elephant in the room that quickly. I must be getting rusty. There’s no use denying it.

“Shit. Is it really that obvious that’s what I was doing?”

“Yeah. Maybe Krell was right about you.”

Ouch.

“Speaking of Krell,” I said, trying to change the subject, “were you… surprised by the big reveal tonight?”

“Yes and no. I had no idea he had a whole drag persona who was working undercover at my dad’s company. That part was surprising. But I’ve known Krell was gay since he was 12. He never said anything about it, but… I always knew.”

“I mean… he was pretty obviously flaming fucking gay. I knew within ten seconds of meeting him for the first time. You don’t think your parents ever suspected at all?” 

“My parents are too old fashioned,” he said. “I used to think they were just burying their heads in the sand, but Nathaniel… it’s not that. They’re just very naive. They’re good people, but simple people. They never even suspected Krell was gay.”

“I just feel bad for him,” I said. “Your parents are going to try to change him. Pastor Snyder is going to try to change him. It’s going to be a really rough couple of months for him if he doesn’t want to be changed.”

“I’m surprised that you care after that scene between you two.”

“I never wished Krell any ill will, Kabb. I’ve wanted to be his friend all along, but he had other plans. I reacted in anger tonight. He exposed my secret and I couldn’t help myself from exposing his. I should have waited until it was just the family and told your dad about Cindy in private.”

“Yeah,” Kabb agreed. “You should have. Maybe you’ll finally learn your lesson about lying.”

Really, Kabb? You want the truth that badly? I should tell you how Krell drank your dad’s cum out of a mug. Then we’ll see how much you like the truth. Ahhh, fuck it. You’d never believe me anyway. Hell, I wouldn’t believe it if I hadn’t seen it. 

“Anyway, what happened after I left?” I asked. 

“Krell was really upset. Everyone filtered out pretty quickly after that. I think… My parents are probably not going to leave Krell alone tonight. They’re pretty worried about him.” 

“Good. I’m glad they’re keeping an eye on him. You should, too. He’s going to need your support.”

“So do you,” said Kabb.

“Look, Kabb… I’m grateful that you’re here – grateful that you’re being nice to me. I’d probably have gotten raped by Buddy if you hadn’t shown up here tonight. But you were ready to call the police and report me a couple of hours ago. What changed? What made you come over here?”

“After you left, and nobody said anything to you on your way out, I started to feel guilty. I started to worry about what you were going to do.” 

“I’m not suicidal if that’s what you mean, Kabb.”

“Well, I’m glad to hear you say that, but Krell at least has my parents looking after him after what happened tonight. But you… you were so alone. Nobody stood up for you. That felt wrong. I thought of the Parable of the Lost Sheep, like God wanted me to chase after you.”

“Thank you. It’s good to know that… somebody cares.” I was starting to get seriously woozy from the booze. “Look, Kabb. You don’t have to stay. I’m sure you scared Buddy off. I’m used to being alone.”

Kabb started laughing uproariously.

“What? What did I say?” I said, now starting to laugh at myself.

“You’re playing games. You said I could leave. So now I’m supposed to say, ‘Oh, I wouldn’t dream of it, Nathaniel. I’m here to protect you, Nathaniel.’”

“Well, thank you, Kabb. I know you’re just joking, but I really do appreciate you. It’s comforting to have you here. Are you sure I can’t get you something to drink?”

“Just water,” he said plainly. He took off his tuxedo jacket and hung it on my coat hanger. Then he walked over to my couch and untied his shoes. He undid his bowtie and unbuttoned the top button of his white shirt. 

I brought him a glass of ice water and sat down on the couch next to him. Finally, I couldn’t resist. The man was ridiculously attractive and I was wasted off of a couple of shots of whiskey after not drinking for two years. I rubbed his biceps with my hand.

“Wowwwww,” I said girlishly. “I have never seen biceps this big, or touched a man this strong.”

“Nathaniel, I know what you’re doing, and it’s not going to work.” He tried to make it sound like he were an unclimbable mountain and I was nothing more than a mild irritant,  but I thought I sensed just a touch of arrogance in his voice.

“Then why are you still here?” I lisped, winking at him. 

“Because even though you’re being a huge jerk right now, I won’t be able to forgive myself if Buddy comes back here and hurts you. But I wish you’d stop being creepy.”

OK. This isn’t working. Change of strategy.

“I’m sorry,” I said, taking my hand off his muscles. “It’s difficult to resist touching you, because I’m soooo attracted to you. But you’re right. I gave this up two years ago, and I’m not going to throw away two years of progress.”

“That’s the spirit,” he said. “Now why don’t you go get ready for bed, and I’ll sleep on the couch in case Buddy comes back?”

“I want to stay here with you,” I whined. “Kabb, Pastor Snyder says it’s good for me to have nonsexualized physical contact with men my age.”

“Huh?” he asked, looking at me like I was crazy.

“The reason I love older men so much is because he says I’m subconsciously sexualizing the need for a father figure in my life. You know, before my baptism, I used to have two to three handsome, powerful older men making love to me each month.”

“Really,” he said, trying to sound bored and uninterested, but I was sure he couldn’t help but imagine how I used to get railed by older men on the regular. 

“Yes. Even some of the men who came to your party tonight. I recognized them.”

“How many…” Kabb started to ask, before thinking better of it.

“How many men at your party fucked me? Let’s see… Jayson, the black preacher from Oakland. Kevin, the venture capitalist from Dublin. Jake—“

“Never mind,” he said. “I’m sorry I asked.” 

“You’re right. It’s not important. I was trying to tell you what Pastor Snyder said to me. He said if I have nonsexual bonds with men my own age, it’ll help fix me.” Pastor Snyder really had advised me of this on several occasions. At times, I’d believed him. Other times I’d become furious with his constant attempts to change me— though I’d never vocalized that to him, lest he’d have told Grayson that I was resistant to changing. “And part of that is nonsexualized touch – the way other boys played sports and wrestled with each other. I never had that. Pastor Snyder said I can’t truly start to change until I have that. So maybe… maybe God sent you to me for that reason.”

“You want me to wrestle you?” Kabb asked incredulously. “Nathaniel, you do realize I’d hurt you.”

Uh, gee, ya think?

“Oh no! You’re right. I didn’t think of that. But, Kabb, I was hoping maybe you’d be willing to give me the experience of nonsexualized touch from another man. I mean… as a Christian man, would you do that? To help me?”

“What could I even do that wouldn’t hurt you?”

“Well… maybe you could sleep in my bed with me. I swear, I’m not trying to do anything sexual. I’m just thinking that being in such close proximity to a big muscular male like you… and not getting fucked by him. It would be a first for me. Maybe it could re-calibrate my brain. I mean, come on Kabb. It would help me a lot – and it’s not like I’d ever make a move on you. So as long as you trust yourself…”

“As long as I trust myself? Why would I not trust myself, Nathaniel?”

“I’m just saying. I won’t initiate sexual contact with you. That’s not how I roll. When I used to have sex with men, I was a total submissive bottom.” I paused to give Kabb time to picture that. “So as long as you trust yourself not to initiate sex with me, we should be good.”

“Nathaniel, I’m straight.”

“Exactly. I won’t initiate sex because I am… I mean I WAS… a submissive bottom, and you won’t because you’re straight. So what’s the problem?”

“Why are you pushing this so hard?” he asked accusingly. 

“Pastor Snyder also said I should try to start being more assertive in the nonsexual friendships I want with other men. When I default to passive mode, that’s me trying to subliminally get other men to dominate me like men have always dominated me sexually.”

“How… how does Pastor Snyder know so much about this anyway?”

“Well, you don’t think I’m the first one in church to have this problem, do you? He says other men in the congregation have come to him with the same problem, and they did the things he said and they lead totally normal lives now. I want that sooooo badly, Kabb.” Sure, I was telling Kabb whatever I thought might get him into my bed, but everything I was telling him was based on things Pastor Snyder had really told me in the previous two years. 

Kabb was someone who always tried to take an active role in bringing people to the gospel. He wanted to be the one to help others lead more holy lives. It was admirable, and I was happy to exploit it to my advantage. I had a feeling that he really would climb into my bed if he thought it would make me a better Christian.

“This is kind of fascinating, Nathaniel. I took psych in college, but they never taught anything like this.” I could tell by his tone and body language that he was genuinely interested in what I was saying. 

“No, of course not,” I said, confident that Kabb was starting to take the bait. “Mainstream psych has purged this theory.” Knowing Kabb, I figured that line would be the clincher. 

Convinced that I’d delivered the coup de grace to Kabb’s resistance, I just sat there silently, waiting for him to speak next, hoping that I’d done enough to push him to strip off his clothes and get into my bed with me. Once he was in my bed, it wasn’t a done deal, but it would be that much easier to get him to take the next step and fuck my brains out like I needed him to.

“Nathaniel. If I do this…” He was making incredibly intense, unbreaking eye contact with me. “Look. I really do want to help you. From one Christian man to another. But if you try anything…”

“Kabb, I swear.”

“If you try anything, I’m leaving, and I’m telling my dad – and he’ll never forgive you for trying to corrupt me.”

“I swear, Kabb. I won’t try anything.”

“OK then,” he said. “Let’s go to bed. I’m tired.”

Maybe I should have been, too, but instead, I was giddy. Drunk or not, I was high – and right then, I honestly could not have told you whether it was the high of anticipation, or from something that was a drug in and of itself. Kabb just agreed to go to bed with me! Oh my God, that was the hard part. Getting him to fuck me now is gonna be sooooo easy. Oh shit, I have to try not to sound too excited or eager. OK, I need to fix my face.

“Thank you, Kabb,” I said, hiding my glorious relapse as best I could. “I owe you for this.”

I brushed my teeth and changed into my pajamas; when I walked into my bedroom, Kabb was already in my bed under the covers. He’d stripped down to just his wife beater and boxers, and his white shirt and dress slacks were folded neatly on my dresser. 

I climbed into bed with him. There were a million things I wanted to do with him. But how to thread this needle?

I thought of sticking my head under the covers to just start performing oral on him, right then and there. No, I can’t. He’ll never go for that. He’ll storm out of here and tell Grayson. Then Grayson will never talk to me again.

I thought of telling Kabb I was scared and asking him to hold me close to him, so I could rest my hand on his chest, and move it slowly lower. No. Too desperate. He’ll see right through me.

“Good night,” Kabb said, turning on his side, facing away from me. 

“Good night,” I replied, trying to hide my disappointment.

Maybe it’s not going to happen. No, of course it will. I planted the seed. He knows how badly I want him. He’s a horny 24 year old. He’ll come around. There’s no way he’s going to be able to sleep when he knows that my twink ass is right next to him and ripe for the taking. 

Unfortunately, Kabb seemed to fall asleep the minute his head touched the pillow. I heard him snoring. 

Within a few minutes, I fell asleep as well. A few hours later, I heard Kabb stirring, and I woke up. I kept my eyes shut, pretending to still be asleep. But I could feel Kabb staring at me.

He probably woke up with a hard on. And he’s trying to talk himself out of doing what he knows he wants to do. Don't be afraid, my precious. Come to me. 

I heard him get up and walk to the master bathroom, which was attached to my bedroom. He turned on the light, and then the door creaked shut. 

OK. Here goes nothing. It’s now or never.

Quickly, I stripped off all of my clothes, and threw them on the floor on my side of the bed. Then I threw the bed covers so that my nude body was exposed. When Kabb got out of the bathroom, he’d see me lying on the bed – my smooth, beautiful body laid bare for him to do with as he pleased.

The room was dark, except for just a little moonlight that streaked across the room through the window. It was enough so one of my nipples was perfectly illuminated. My dick was not, which was probably for the best because Kabb wasn’t into dick. 

He stayed in the bathroom for what seemed like hours, but I know it was probably only about ten minutes. My heart was beating so fast in anticipation of what he would say and do. A couple of times I almost got scared enough to put my clothes back on. 

No. Fuck it. I’ve come this far. If he sees my gorgeous twink body and doesn’t want to use it, that’s on him. I’m hairless, I’m thin, I’ve got a perfect bubble butt. If he doesn’t take me, it’s honestly his loss.

Finally, the bathroom door slowly creaked open. 

Kabb walked into the door frame, his body illuminated by the bathroom lights, and then paused. We locked eyes.

And he just stood there glaring at me. I didn’t know what to make of the expression on his face. There was arrogance as always, but I thought I perceived just the slightest bit of vulnerability in his eyes.

He’s a virgin. He wants me. But he’s nervous.

I blinked first, trying to convey something in my face to reassure him that it would be worth it to take the first plunge off the diving board.

He seemed to decide something in his mind. He took his wife beater off. He finally averted his gaze from mine, and walked over to my dresser where he folded it up and placed it with the rest of his clothes. 

After he’d finished placing his wife beater on the dresser, Kabb turned back around and then started to swagger over to me in his boxers, the only clothes he had left on.

I looked at him submissively and expectantly as he climbed onto the bed. Finally, he placed his hand on my shoulder. Gently, he began turning me over. I happily complied.

Oh fuck! He wants to see my naked ass! This is fucking happening! He’s gonna fuck me!

Before long, I was on my stomach with my ass hanging out in the air. Kabb ran his hand from the top of my back all the way down to my butt, which he then squeezed. Just as I was getting excited for what he would do next, I felt Kabb get off of the bed. In my wall mirror, I could tell he was lowering his underwear to the ground. 

Oh shit! This is happening! He’s taking his dick out!

I really wanted to check out Kabb’s dick – to see how it compared to Grayson’s, but it was too dark for me to really get a good look at it in the mirror.

I heard Kabb walk over to the dresser, presumably to fold up his underwear and place it with the rest of his clothes. 

Then I heard the floor creak as he walked back over to my bed. I was giddy with anticipation, imagining that his dick was going to be inside of me very soon.

I felt him get back into bed. And then, he was on top of me. I felt his hard dick rub up against my soft butt.

“OhhhhhhhhOHHHohh,” I moaned, involuntarily. It’s been so long. His dick feels so, so, good. I’ve missed this feeling soooooo much. You have no idea how much I need you, Kabb. Fuck me. Fuck me!

“Don’t talk,” Kabb said softly-but-matter-of-factly. He didn’t say it in a mean tone or anything; he was just making it clear that if I wanted this to happen, there were rules I had to abide by.

I have to give him plausible deniability. If I speak, he has to acknowledge that he’s fucking a dude. Oh, you clever straight man, you. Fine with me. Pretend I’m a chick if that’s what you need to do. 

Slowly, Kabb began rubbing his hard dick all over my ass. He had my arms pinned down and I could feel his pecs and his abs rubbing against my back. I was in ecstasy with how electric his body felt against mine, but I was simultaneously feeling teased and tortured because he was rubbing his dick all around my butthole, but not directly in my butthole. 

Still, I was feeling sheer bliss as Kabb took control of the situation and of my body. 

There’s nothing like being a straight man’s plaything.

Finally, I felt him let go of one of my wrists, as he took his dick in his hand and rubbed it up and down my butt crack. When he got to my taint, he pushed in. My dick was so hard, but I didn’t dare touch it, even though my left hand was now free. When I’m serving a top, my focus is 100% on serving a top. Stimulating my own dick is irrelevant. I get more turned on by focusing all my attention on being the perfect submissive angel.

The problem was, he kept on moving his hard dick up and down my buttcrack, but when he got to my hole, he’d push in a little bit and then pull out before he got all the way into my anus. The first few times, I chalked it up to inexperience. He’d never done this before, and maybe he didn’t realize that whatever resistance he was getting would fade as he slowly worked up to pushing in harder.

But after he kept doing it over and over, pushing in agonizingly slowly and then retreating just before he pushed through my pucker, I realized that he was deliberately not anally fucking me.

This is his idea of a sick joke. He’s teasing me. This is all to humiliate me. He knows how badly I want his dick and he won’t fully give it to me. He gets to simultaneously physically dominate me while also mentally dominating me by denying me pleasure. 

I was somewhere in between heaven and hell as Kabb teased me with his hot hard dick. I don’t know how long it went on for but I wanted to yell at him. Fuck me already, damn it! I’m begging you to stick it in me and fuck me!

Instead, Kabb started humping me, frotting his dick up and down my thigh. He started off slowly, but before I knew it he was rubbing up against me with so much speed and force, and I felt his skin moisten against my back as he began sweating from the exertion. 

“Hmph, hunnnh, grrrrr, hunnnnh, mmmm,” he grunted as he rubbed his hard dick back and forth against me. 

This way he can tell himself he didn’t do something gay. He didn’t have sex with me. He just masturbated and I happened to rub my ass against him while he did it. So I did something gay, not him. He can make it in his mind that he still has an unblemished record of heterosexuality.

“Hunnnnhhhh, unnnnng, uhhhhh, mmmmm, sssshhhhhh, unnnng, mmmmmm, ohhhhh, yeah, it, mmmmmmmm, OH!“ I heard him practically barking in my ear. Even though I knew how dehumanizing it was to be used as Kabb’s fleshlight, I couldn’t help but feel extremely horny at the same time. A penis rubbing against my leg didn’t feel as good as a penis in my asshole would have, but it was still better than I’d had in more than two years.

“Unnnnnh!!!!!!!! UNNNNHHHH!!!!!!!!! YEAHHHHHHH! YEEEEEAHHHHHHHH!” he roared. And that’s when I felt his hot sticky cum shooting on my leg. He kept humping me as his dick kept spurting his pent up cum all over me. He held me tight against him and thrust against my body with all of his force. It actually kind of hurt, but feeling the pleasure rippling through his body was so satisfying for me. 

He kept thrusting for a while as the last spurts of cum trickled out of his dick, before he finally released my wrists and stopped thrusting. He stayed on top of me for a few minutes, making a bunch of sounds of satisfaction and contentment. 

After a while, he got off of me, collapsing on his side of the bed. Before I knew it, I heard him snoring away, without having even said good night.

I remained face down on my side of the bed. With my hand, I felt the back of my hamstrings, which were covered with his now-cooling semen. It wasn’t what I was expecting, but being frotted by Kabb was better than nothing.

Maybe he’ll come back for more in the morning. That could have just been the warm up. Now that he’s gone that far, it’ll be easier to go even further.

I fell asleep, my hunger for dick somewhat sated, though not in the way I’d been expecting.

The next morning, Kabb woke up and we were both still naked in bed. He grinned at me. I smiled back, blushing and giggling, hoping he had morning wood and would want to go a bit further.

“Good morning, Nathaniel,” he said to me.

“Good morning, Kabb,” I replied cutely and flirtatiously, lilting my voice and fluttering my eyes. He laughed at me.

“What’s a guy got to do to get breakfast around here?” he asked. I frowned.

“You want breakfast already? You sure you don’t want to… fool around a bit?” I asked, winking at him.

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“Aren’t… aren’t we going to finish what we started last night?”

“Look, Nathaniel. It’s water under the bridge. Buddy tried to rape you and I stopped him. You don’t need to thank me. We never have to talk about it again.”

The gaslighting.

“That’s… not what I meant, Kabb,” I said, unable to hide the disappointment and hurt in my voice.

“Well, what do you mean? What else happened? Oh, you mean the drinking? I won’t tell anyone you were drinking. It’ll be our little secret,” he said. He bore his eyes into me, as if daring me to call his bluff and bring up what had happened between us. 

But I didn’t have the strength. I felt a lump in my throat. He’d gone from making me feel anticipation of what would happen next to feeling shame and embarrassment in a matter of seconds.

I felt used and humiliated. 

He’d told me in no uncertain terms that he fully intended to pretend that he’d never frotted me.

He’s gonna act like it never even happened. I guess I’m imagining his dried cum all over the back of my hamstrings. 

“Are you going to make me breakfast or not?” he asked, “I’m starving.” 

“Sure,” I managed to say, my voice breaking a bit as I tried not to start crying. I got out of bed, still naked, and walked quickly toward my bedroom door, hoping I could keep myself from crying in front of him. I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction. 

And when I opened my bedroom door, Grayson was there, looking shocked and disappointed. Grayson pushed me aside and walked into my bedroom, where Kabb was still naked under the covers… and the room clearly reeked of sex.

“What is going on here?” Grayson asked.

To Be Continued…

---

Big thanks to neuroparenthetical for doing such a thorough job editing this chapter; any mistakes or imperfections that remain are my responsibility only.

---

To get in touch with the author, send them an email.

---