All characters are 18 or older. This story contains depictions of non-consensual sex. Reader discretion is advised.
I walked back to Krell’s car, all the color drained from my face, terrified by the latest twist in this saga that now had me in way over my head.
“What the hell’s the matter with you?” Krell asked.
“Something terrible has happened,” I said.
“What? You got anal warts?” Krell asked mockingly.
“This is serious, Krell,” I chastised him.
“Oh no. Something serious?” he asked, feigning sympathy. “What is it? You have a prolapsed rectum from taking half the dicks in the men’s homeless shelter?”
“Why do you hate me so much? I’ve never done anything to you. In fact, you would still be a virgin if it weren’t for me,” I reminded him. “You just got railed by a straight jock because of me.”
“You act like you did that for selfless reasons,” he replied, dramatically rolling his eyes. “The only reason you arranged for Craig to fuck me was because I threatened to spill the beans about how you raped my dad.”
“I did not rape him! He had a choice.”
“A choice? Is that what you call it when you hire a guy to pull a gun on him and threaten to shoot if he refuses to fuck you? Face it, dipshit. You’re a scumbag, and you deserve whatever happens to you.”
“Fine, Krell. You don’t have to like me. But your dad could face some consequences, too. I need you to take me to your house. It’s important that I talk to your dad right now.”
“Are you sure you want that? He’s gonna ask how we know each other and then he’s gonna find out you were sending him pervy text messages last night and that I know what you did to him. By all means, come over. My dad will want nothing to do with you when he realizes you’ve roped me into this,” Krell said, grinning evilly as he dramatically twisted the knife with each word.
Fuck, he’s right. I really need to talk to Grayson right now. But if Krell brings me home with him, Grayson’s gonna hate me for telling Krell about us. Why does this all have to be so fucking complicated?!
I sighed. “I don’t know what to do. I just don’t know what to do.” I replied, shaking my head. “Remember I told you that Buddy made me spit your dad’s sperm into a mug? Well, I know it was wrong but I… I kept the mug with your dad’s sperm in the office freezer.”
“Why the fuck did you do that?” Krell asked.
Oh, please bitch. Like you don’t know.
“I just wanted to save it for later. In case…”
“So that’s why you had me bring you here?” Krell asked. “So you could take it and bring it home with you? And keep my dad’s sperm in your fridge like it’s fucking coffee creamer or something? I won’t let you. You’re pouring it out right now, you fucking pervert. You are SO disgusting. Just when I think you can’t sink any lower, you surprise me. Dump it out right now, you sick freak!”
“I can’t, Krell! If you’d just let me speak for one Goddamn second…”
“Don’t take the Lord’s name in vain, Nathaniel. You’re already going to hell as it is. You don’t have to add blasphemy to your sins.”
Krell was seriously the last person I needed a religious lecture from after the way I’d just seen him carry on with Craig.
“Fine! Can I fucking speak now? Look, when I went to the freezer, it was gone. All that was left was this note,” I said, taking the note out of my pocket and handing it to Krell.
“‘You're an idiot to leave evidence lying around, Nathaniel,’” Krell read.
“The only two people who could have written this note were your dad or Buddy.”
“That’s not my dad’s handwriting,” Krell confirmed.
“I didn’t think so. That means it must have been Buddy. He confiscated your dad’s frozen sperm and left this note in its place. I need to talk to your dad and warn him. I’d hoped that once l paid Buddy, that he’d leave us alone. Unfortunately, it seems like that isn’t the case. Krell, Buddy could be extremely dangerous. He has a drug problem and a serious grudge against your dad. He could show up at your house and do something terrible.”
“My dad doesn’t need your help. Not for this. Not for anything. I’m driving you home now, Nathaniel. My dad is probably outside doing yard work. I’m going to put his phone back on the end table of the living room where he left it last night. You can text him and he’ll get the message when he’s done. Then he can decide for himself how he wants to handle you and your constant, exhausting drama. Frankly, I think he should just delete your number and pretend he doesn’t know you, but that’s for him to decide.”
But Buddy might have published the video of Grayson fucking me by then! Wait, I can’t say that. Krell doesn’t know about the video. And he knows too much as it is.
“I don’t really want to be alone right now. Buddy wants revenge against me and your dad, I just know it. Can you at least drive me back to Craig’s if you’re not going to drive me to your house?”
“Craig is my boyfriend now, Nathaniel. Do you think I’m dumb enough to leave you alone with him so you can make a move on my man? Listen, bitch. I am not going to give you a chance to hire some homeless drug addict to force my man to fuck that tired, worn out, disease-ridden hole of yours,” Krell responded.
His performance of that line was particularly dramatic. Why does this stupid bitch act like he’s on camera 24/7?
There were a lot of very unkind things I wanted to say to Krell, so I paused before I responded.
”Krell. Be serious, dude. I am not trying to steal Craig from you. You know I don’t like Craig like that. I’m just afraid to go home. Buddy could be waiting there for me. He threatened to rape me yesterday, Krell. More than once. He was crazy, or he was high on something. I’m scared he’s going to do it.”
“That sounds like a problem for you, not like a problem for me,” Krell said, grinning. And there it was. He didn’t actually worry that I wanted to steal Craig from him. He just disliked me enough to want to see bad things happen to me. What I could never figure out was what exactly I ever did to earn his hatred.
“Krell, please. Have some fucking compassion. How would you like to get raped?” I asked.
“Nathaniel, listening to you talk is literally excruciating. Unlike you, I don’t go around forcing everyone else to play a part in my soap opera. Maybe if Buddy rapes you, that will teach you a lesson. A lesson you sorely, sorely need to learn, honey. You can’t go around town flashing your loose, aging hole to every man you see. You’re about to learn the consequences. Good and hard. I think it’ll be good for you Nathaniel.”
“God, you are fucking spiteful. You dislike me that much that you’re willing to have me getting raped on your conscious?”
“If you get raped, it’s your own damn fault for making a deal with Buddy in the first place. It’s karma for what you put my dad through. Yeah, that’s it. Karma. Perfect fucking karma. Let’s see how you like it when somebody forces sex on you at gunpoint. Now get the fuck out of my car. I just decided, you’re going to walk home, cunt.”
Krell smiled and winked at me. I couldn’t believe the cruelty. I couldn’t believe the malice.
So I got out of Krell’s car. “Go to hell,” I said, flipping him off as I started walking back to my apartment. Frankly, I needed some time to think anyway. It hadn’t even been 24 hours since Buddy had held Grayson and me at gunpoint, and already the situation had spun rapidly out of control, fucked up far beyond what I ever could have imagined.
Poor Grayson. If that video gets out, or if Buddy does something with his sperm, it’s going to ruin his life. This is all my fault. If only I’d never come up with this whole stupid plan. If only I’d dumped out Grayson’s sperm instead of trying to save it as a souvenir. But wait, this is so weird. What the fuck does Buddy want with Grayson’s sperm anyway?
I just knew something awful was going to happen, and Grayson would hate me for it and never speak to me again.
I was so terrified by the time I finally arrived at my apartment. I thought when I opened the door that Buddy would be inside waiting for me. Then I was sure he’d be hiding in the shower when I went to the bathroom, or in my closet when I walked into the bedroom. I was so paranoid that I actually spent about an hour checking every nook and cranny of my apartment for Buddy. I just knew that any minute he was going to jump out from somewhere and have his way with me.
Finally, I locked my doors and windows, confident that Buddy was not in my apartment and wouldn’t be able to get in. I was exhausted. I’d barely slept as I had spent the prior night going over and over in my mind how it had felt to be fucked by Grayson, and fantasizing about our future together. Then Krell had woken me up bright and early and somehow I’d ended up spending the morning watching him and Craig fuck.
I fell asleep pretty much the second my body hit my mattress, and I slept most of the day away. The hours passed me by and nothing could disturb my slumber. It felt like everything that had happened – from all of Friday afternoon’s work meetings, to Buddy forcing me and Grayson to fuck Friday night, to Craig and Krell fucking Saturday morning -- had been one long day. Now that I was home, it was nice to finally have a little break, and I took full advantage of having some peace and quiet. I was really tired and I must have slept about eight hours or so.
I don’t remember if I had any dreams. It was a deep slumber, and by the time I woke up it was about 3:00 in the afternoon. I felt perfectly rested. I rolled over and looked at the ceiling for a moment and let out a sigh.
I closed my eyes and replayed in my mind the events of the previous day.
I had really been fucked by Grayson, and it had felt amazing. I just wanted a moment to bask in that. And so I did. In my imagination, I pictured him, felt him, heard him, smelled him. I knew Grayson so intimately now. It was arousing to think that from that point forward, whenever I saw Grayson, I’d be able to conjure up that vision, and I’d also be able to conjure up the feeling of how I felt when he fucked me. Like the grooves in a vinyl record, Grayson’s dick had left a permanent impression.
I gotta be realistic with myself. That’s probably the only fuck I’ll ever get from him, so I better treasure the memory.
I inhaled deeply and exhaled peacefully. My dick was hard. Even though a part of me knew the other shoe was going to drop at some point, I was happy. I got fucked by Grayson. I actually got fucked by Grayson. I can close my eyes whenever I want to and picture Grayson fucking me. I can’t believe it. I’m so lucky. The most perfect man in the world gave me the fuck of a lifetime.
I smiled. Nothing was nagging me. I just had this blissful feeling inside.
It’s wrong to wish for more. The fuck Grayson gave me was far beyond what I ever dreamed of. It’s enough. It needs to be.
Unlike earlier when I’d been on edge about Buddy, I felt completely at peace. Wanting to take advantage of the moment and extend my ecstatic feeling, I stripped and opened the faucet of my tub to draw a warm bath. Grayson’s dick had been a luxury that I’d treated myself to. Now I was going to treat myself to another.
I need to tell him about the sperm. He needs to protect himself. Fuck, Buddy could put it on some woman’s clothes and it’d be like Monica Lewinsky’s blue dress. It could ruin his reputation. I know it’s an awkward subject to broach, but I have to tell him.
I didn’t want to have this conversation with Grayson, but I owed it to him to be honest. It would be embarrassing confessing to him that this latest crisis had been caused by my desire to preserve his sperm so I could drink it later. But he had a right to know.
As I waited for the tub to fill, I dialed Grayson’s number on my phone. Half of me wanted him to answer. The other half of me wanted to get his voicemail.
“Hello?”
Hearing his voice was so satisfying, it actually made my dick throb.
“Grayson. It’s Nathaniel.”
“Hey Nathaniel. How are you?” Grayson asked. Grayson seemed perfectly pleasant, as if our whole dalliance had never even occurred. There wasn’t even a hint of bother in his voice. He was always so calm, so completely and effortlessly in control.
Suddenly, I remembered the reason I was calling and my bliss ended. I needed to confess to Grayson that, because of me, someone— likely Buddy — now possessed his sperm and was planning on doing something with it. But I chickened out. I couldn’t tell him over the phone.
“Um, I’m not great, Grayson. Something bad has happened, and I want you to come over.” I felt like such an asshole saying these words. I was talking to Grayson as though he owed me something. I hated it.
“Sorry, Nathaniel. I can be over there tonight around 6:00. And whatever it is, we can work through it. Is that OK?” Fuck. Why did he have to be so damn nice? I felt like such an asshole.
“Yes, that should be fine, Grayson,” I said. I eyed the clock. It was still only 4:00 PM.
“Great. I’ll see you tonight, Nathaniel. Take care,” he said. He was so good. So much better than me. After everything I’d done, he was willing to drop everything on a Saturday night to come help me with a problem. Grayson was such a saint.
He’s not going to be mad at me. It’ll be awkward for a minute, and then it will be fine. It’s Grayson. He can handle anything. He’s Mr. Confidence.
I got in the bathtub and immediately began to unwind. After a stressful couple of days, I finally let myself escape from the world. This bathtub was my little piece of paradise where nothing could disturb me.
Unfortunately for me, Buddy walked into the bathroom almost immediately after I’d gotten comfortable.
“Hello, Nathaniel,” he said.
“Buddy. I knew you were here. What do you want?” I was scared. I was helpless. I was naked in my bathtub. Buddy possessed that sort of “thug aggression” that certain guys just naturally embody. There was just a dangerous aura about him, something genuinely terrifying about the dude. Whatever the most base form of masculinity is, Buddy had it in spades.
Buddy flashed his pearly white smile at me. “I’ve been watching the video of you and Daddy Warbucks fucking on repeat for most of the past day. I’ve practically memorized the way your butt hole looks, Nathaniel. It really is cute. Do you know you must have the most adorable little butt hole on the west coast?”
I’m ashamed to say it, but Buddy giving such effusive praise to my hole made my dick hard. Which, of course, he had a perfect view of. Buddy was stronger than me and he seemed determined to do me harm. And he had a gun with him. Whatever he said, I had to do. I had a sinking feeling in my stomach. I was probably about to get raped, and there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop it.
In my mind, I started negotiating, begging, and praying to God to do something to stop Buddy. But after about a minute, something curious happened. My mind seemed to accept that it was a foregone conclusion. I stopped panicking, and, instead, started thinking that if it happened, it wouldn’t be the end of the world. It occurred to me in that moment just how unbelievably amazing the human spirit is. Our minds can shift so quickly to protect us from our own fears and get us through the unthinkable. It was something akin to the stages of grief; some kind of power within me had recognized the urgency and hopelessness of the situation, and accelerated the stages to get me to acceptance super quickly.
I can bear it. In fact, I should cooperate. The faster he gets this over with, the sooner he leaves, and I need him to be gone before Grayson shows up. I can live with him raping me. I can’t live with him harming Grayson and knowing it was my fault.
“Can I wash your butthole for you, Nathaniel? Will you let me do that?” Buddy grabbed the soap and grinned. I didn’t resist as he took the bar of soap and reached in between my legs in the tub.
“Lift your legs, and spread them,” Buddy gently commanded.
This is it. This is actually happening. He’s gonna rape me. Maybe it won’t be so bad. Maybe I’ll even like it.
I complied. As I was lifting my legs up to show Buddy my hole, I caught a look in Buddy’s eye that was pure feral rage and energy. There was this intensity to him I couldn’t describe. My dick throbbed.
Buddy noticed this and grinned.
Just hang on. Just bear it. Just let him do what he came here to do. After he gets his rocks off he’ll get bored and leave and I can just go on like it never happened. I just have to get through the bad part and it’ll all be over soon.
Buddy’s hand reached under my balls, and he found my buttocks. He licked his lips insatiably. And then he actually put the bar of soap up between the cheeks of my butt. It felt weird, but it’s not like it hurt. He just kind of rubbed the bar soap up and down my asshole, lathering it up as he went. He kept making grunts of approval as he did so. I hated myself for it, but I was so turned on.
I hate myself. I’m everything Krell said I was. God, that feels good.
“Wow. That is so nice. But I need a better view. Turn around, and get on your knees in the water so your hole is exposed to me.”
So I complied. And after I did, he cuffed me in kind of an awkward position. Handcuffs now chained each of my arms to pipes attached to the wall behind the tub. My hands held on to the edge of the tub to support myself, and my knees were on the floor of the bathtub. I could move my arms and legs a little even though each arm was cuffed to a pipe in the wall.
Then he drained some of the water, I guess so my butt was above water.
“Nice,” he said, and he inserted the bar soap back between my buttcheeks. “Really, really nice, Nathaniel. It feels so soft between your buttcheeks. I feel you welcoming my hand. Parting your cheeks involuntarily. Like you know you were born to submit.”
And as he got too excited, he started actually trying to force the bar soap into my asshole. Deep into my asshole. It was getting a little bit uncomfortable.
“Buddy, that’s starting to hurt,” I finally said.
“Sorry,” he apologized, pulling the bar soap out. “I’ll just use my hand now to wash between your buttcheeks. Is that ok?”
I opened my mouth to answer, but didn’t know exactly what to say. “Um, OK,” I finally said.
“Great,” Buddy replied. So now, he used the bar soap to lather up his hand, and this time he put his soapy hand inside of my butt hole and started washing it.
My eyes were open wide, my dick was still hard. My body seemed to have a reflex reaction to a man’s strong hand between my asscheeks; it accommodated him, urging him in deeper.
What he was doing physically felt good, but I was also scared.
“So when you’re going out on a Saturday night, and you know you’re probably going to bring a guy home, how long do you spend washing back here, Nathaniel?” Buddy asked.
I blushed. I’d never discussed this with anyone before.
“Usually a good 10 to 20 minutes,” I said. This was so humiliating.
“And do you just use bar soap? Do you douche? Use enemas? Anything else?”
“I have before,” I confessed. “But usually just bar soap.”
“And what about shaving and waxing?” Buddy asked, still massaging my hole with his soapy hand.
“I have before, but usually I don’t,” I said. “I’m lucky that I’m just naturally not hairy down there. Just a little peach fuzz.”
“Yes, I think that’s what I liked about it. Because it wasn’t exactly a female’s soft butt and hairless hole. But it also wasn’t a man’s gross, smelly, hairy hole either. Your hole is… well, it’s unique. There was something about your hole that’s… heck, I don’t know exactly how to describe your hole. Not feminine, not masculine, but maybe… charming? Civilized? Dignified? And clean. So clean. My God, you keep your hole clean. I could just tell that you’d spent a lot of time thinking about presenting it. Making it perfect for the man you desire. Don’t you, sweetie?”
Buddy seemed to stop for a moment just to admire my asshole.
I had no idea what to say. This was all pretty fucked up. And I was still hard, damn it. The room was silent for about 30 seconds while he just sat there, separating my ass cheeks with his hands, staring at my ass hole.
Why is he acting like it’s so fucking interesting? Hasn’t he even seen an asshole before?
And then he inserted his soapy hand back up inside, spreading the soap suds as deeply into me as he could get. Physically, it felt amazing. Mentally, I was dissociating to get away from him. But every time I succeeded at dissociating for a few seconds, Buddy would turn my head to force me to make eye contact with him, or moan, or do something to connect me back to the moment and to him. As much as he disgusted me, his feral masculinity really did turn me on.
Buddy and Grayson are really two sides of the same coin. Two completely different types of masculinity. Grayson is the quiet, self-assured, confident, understated masculinity. The type you readily spread your legs for, whose seed you consciously crave to fertilize the eggs inside your mussy. And then there’s Buddy. He’s the wild, scary, dangerous, untamed masculinity. Half the time you’re terrified he’s going to rape you… the other half of the time, you secretly want him to. Fuck. What the fuck am I thinking? This is just my mind making it bearable for me. This is the human spirit protecting me from being afraid. I don’t actually want him to rape me… or do I?
After about 10 minutes, he stopped rubbing and cleaning my hole.
He then started rinsing the suds out of my hole, just splashing my buttocks with water and reaching inside to wash away the soap suds.
“There,” he said after a few minutes, satisfied that the soap had been washed away from my butthole. “Clean as a whistle.”
That’s when I felt his tongue. I gasped. Loudly. “No, please don’t do that!!!” I protested. Nobody had ever done this before. I’d never wanted them to. It was gross, disgusting. This wasn’t a place for a mouth. It was wrong, so wrong.
But Buddy had one hell of a long tongue, and it kept probing deeper and deeper, licking my hole up, down, and all around. And then with the tip of his tongue, he massaged my pucker.
“OHHHHH!!!!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,” I involuntarily moaned. He made a noise I can only describe as ravishment.
“Buddy, PLEASE stop,” I begged. This had always been a nightmare of mine, something I’d been terrified to experience. But he ignored my pleas, continuing to toss my salad. It tickled slightly. Although in my mind his lingual assault of my anus disgusted me, my body was betraying me. It felt soooooo damn good. The pleasure centers of my brain were completely overwhelmed each time Buddy’s tongue slowly stroked my anus. I’d never before felt anything like this pleasure, and my body was completely at his mercy, as if I were his helpless prey.
The sensations I was experiencing were primal. Even though I knew this was wrong, Buddy had bypassed my capabilities to reason and gone for something instinctual, something I couldn’t turn off. As his tongue massaged the deep recesses of my hole, darting and probing inside, my nervous involuntarily sent signals of deep arousal from my butthole to my brain. It was like Buddy had manipulated an electrical circuit, his tongue a lightning rod sending shockwaves to overwhelm the system’s defenses.
“Buddy, nnnnnooooo. Pleeeesse stoppppppp,” I begged. This time I only half meant it. I wondered if it was getting close to the time Grayson was supposed to come over. I’d left the front door unlocked. Maybe he’d walk in and find Buddy’s tongue up my ass. Maybe it’d turn him on. Maybe he’d get jealous, and he’d fight Buddy, and with his testosterone elevated, he’d fuck me right in front of Buddy to show his superiority. I’d at last become what I’d always wanted to be: the vessel through which an alpha male would demonstrate his ultimate masculinity.
Imagining Grayson and Buddy fighting manly territory wars over my asshole only turned me on even more, the analytical side of my mind now joining the instinctual part in the intensity of the sexual pleasure I was receiving.
“Buddy, stoppppppp,” I moaned, thoroughly enjoying his lingual assault. That’s when I was surprised to feel Buddy’s soapy hand start to jerk me off. As he continued eating my ass, he was also stroking my hard dick.
I’d always been a total bottom. In the 6 years since I’d lost my virginity as a college freshman, the only things I’d ever done in bed were receiving anal sex or performing oral sex. My lovers never offered to eat my asshole, nor had I ever wanted them to. And Buddy was a drugged out thug. It was pathetic that I was getting so much pleasure from him.
Why am I enjoying this so much? Damn it.
“Buddy, no, stopppppp,” I said in an extremely high pitched, squeaky gay voice. As Buddy kept licking my asshole, I also started to feel his vocal cords vibrate. Deep in the back of his throat, he was making manly pleasure sounds to contrast my high pitched moaning.
I’m not sure whether or not I imagined it, but I swear I felt Buddy’s Adam’s Apple vibrating against my asshole, and the sensation sent me to an immediate orgasm. I started spurting cum all over myself.
“Uhhhhh, uhhhhhhhh, UHHHHHHHHH!” I whimpered, gayly and uncontrollably.
I was shocked; I opened my eyes and looked down where huge globs of my cum were dripping down into the soapy water. Buddy kept on licking my asshole and kept on jerking me while I kept on spurting and spurting.
“There you go, champ,” Buddy said in a deep, soothing baritone that only heightened my excitement.
“Unnnhhhhhhhhhh,” I said. Buddy’s deep voice had awakened something inside of me and caused a sudden, large, late spurt of cum to shoot out from my dick, which he was now milking in a slow, deliberate, just-barely-squeezing hand movement.
“That’s it, son,” Buddy whispered right into my ear.
“Unnnghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,” I said, as his deep voice again triggered another spurt of cum, further extending my orgasm.
My eyes were bugged out in shock and horror of the encounter that had just transpired. I’d been mentally prepared for Buddy to rape me. I hadn’t been prepared to have my ass eaten, or for the shocking development that I’d so thoroughly enjoyed it.
Finally, he seemed to have milked me dry, and he stopped jerking me, and stopped licking my ass. He stepped back and let out a deep chuckle as he smacked my ass hard. It hurt, and I whimpered.
He stayed silent for a few moments, seemingly to take pleasure in the deliberate choice to leave me alone with nothing but my shame.
“How’d you like that?” Buddy finally asked me, his voice full of joy and enthusiasm.
“I liked it,” I admitted, trying to keep my voice emotionless, as if simply admitting the truth would somehow also downplay its importance. I looked straight ahead, refusing to make eye contact with him.
“Great, now it’s my turn.” With that, Buddy turned my face toward him. He now had his dick out, and he was jerking it off an inch from my eyes.
“You’re a good little boy, aren’t you, Nathaniel?” Buddy asked me. This was weird. I’d already cum and I wasn’t really into this at all. I didn’t feel any kind of bond to Buddy, but he was acting like there was one. I turned my face away, again looking straight ahead, trying to dissociate from the moment.
“Look at me, Nathaniel.” His voice startled me, reminding me of my captivity, of my vulnerability. So I complied, turning my head toward him.
“You like making older men cum, don’t you, sweetheart?” Buddy said.
Ugh, just hurry up and cum, you fucking scumbag. Get this over with already. This is gross.
His face had a maniacal look. It was scary, but also kinda sexy.
Nathaniel, no. Don’t get turned again. For Christ’s sake, have some self-respect. This shithead drug addict is beneath you.
“You like being so helpful, so good, so perfect. So submissive. Don’t you?” Buddy said, looking me in the eye as he jerked himself.
“Answer me, son,” Buddy said authoritatively. He’d been kind of gentle up until this point. His sudden forcefulness scared me, but also, for some reason I didn’t quite understand, made me want to be obedient.
Why should I care what this fucking loser thinks about me? Why do I want to make him happy? But, ugh. I do. I want him to like me. I want to be special to him. For him to prize me ahead of all other guys. For me to be unique to him somehow. I’m pathetic. Why is it that I always bend over backwards for the approval of older men? It’s like a fucking drug to me that I can’t quit.
“Answer me!” Buddy commanded. He sounded so loud, forceful, and insane. “Do you like serving older men?!” He was practically yelling.
“Yes! I like to serve older men!” I admitted.
“Why?” Buddy asked, slapping me in the face with his throbbing boner.
“I don’t know why! I just always have.”
“You lie!!!” Buddy shouted. He was getting mean and unstable again.
“Tell me why you like pleasing older men so much. Tell me!!!” Buddy commanded.
“I don’t know! I don’t know! Please stop!”
“You stop fucking lying to me!” Buddy roared, in the angriest voice I’d ever heard.
“Why do you fucking care so much?!” I finally yelled out, my voice cracking. “If you’re so fucking straight, why do you give a shit what I put in my asshole?”
The anger left Buddy instantly and a huge smile came upon his face. “Oh, does that irritate you, sweet cheeks? Do you get your panties in a bunch when a straight man asks you too many questions?”
I rolled my eyes. “Just because you’re straight doesn’t make you fucking superior to me,” I said defiantly.
“It makes me a man,” Buddy said. “What are you?”
“You stick your dick in pussy. Congratulations. I take dick up the ass like a champion. You tell me who the tough guy is.”
Buddy roared with laughter. “God you are fucking cute.”
I hated how much his compliments pleased and excited me.
He bent down and kissed me. As much as I hated to admit it, he was a good kisser. He turned me on and disgusted me in equal amounts.
“You gays are so fucking sweet sometimes and so bitchy other times.” And then he started slapping my face with his dick again, which he resumed jerking.
“I wanted to rape you yesterday. I seriously thought about it,” Buddy said as he jerked his dick inches from my face. “But I saw the look in Mr. Perfect’s eyes. He really would have tried to stop me. He didn’t care that I had a gun. He would have put his life at risk to stop you from getting raped. I don’t know if he realizes it, but that man loves you.”
I couldn’t help it, but these words got to me, and my face must have betrayed that, because Buddy cracked up laughing. “Oh fuck, that’s hot, Nathaniel. That look on your face.” Buddy jerked faster. “Fuck! Fuckkkkkkk…”
I hated being the target of his ridicule, so now my face turned sour and pouty. This seemed to excite Buddy even more.
“Unnnnngh. Nathaniel, you’re such a good boy! But you’re SUCH a slut! Unnnnghhhhhh!!!!!!” Buddy’s face was all red. His eyes were full of craziness.
And then he came all over my face. I was humiliated, but also kind of turned on at the same time. I was glad that Grayson hadn’t been there to see it. It was almost like Buddy had sought to prove to me how perverted I was and how there was no limit to how turned on I could get from being debased. And I felt ashamed, but also simultaneously excited as I stood on my knees in the bathtub, nude, my face drenched in Buddy’s cum.
Buddy let out a couple of big breaths, then looked down at me with his maniacal smile.
“How’d you like that, Nathaniel?”
I didn’t say anything. I was getting angry. I wanted him to leave.
“Answer me, Nathaniel,” he said, putting the gun to my head. “And be honest. I want the truth, whether you liked it or not.”
“Fine, but can you put down the fucking gun?! Christ!” I spat, angrily.
Buddy laughed. He lowered the gun from my head. “Sorry, Nathaniel. Go ahead, sweetie. How’d you like that, honey?”
“It was humiliating. Degrading. It made me feel like garbage. Like you were mocking me. It made me mad. Like I didn’t have control. Like you were taking too many liberties. I hated it. I hated the way you used me, like I wasn’t even human, like I was just some object for your pleasure.”
“Uh huh. But did it arouse you, Nathaniel? Having me shoot my manly cum all over your face? I know it angered you. But did it also excite you?” Buddy asked.
“Yes,” I admitted, Buddy’s sticky spooge still running down my face.
“Yes,” Buddy repeated. “I figured as much. You told me last night you didn’t like your lovers giving you pleasure. That you just liked giving pleasure. So I figured, there’s a part of you that gets off on getting degraded.”
I hated to admit it, but he was right. I was sitting there with Buddy lecturing me on how I liked being degraded, with Buddy’s cum all over my face, and I was hard as a rock.
Suddenly, I remembered something.
“Now that you’re finished, tell me what you did with Grayson’s cum.”
Buddy laughed. “Yeah, Mr. Stud Horse’s First Prize cum! First, tell me why you saved it.”
“You know why, Buddy. Because I wanted to taste it again.”
“Right, I figured that was why. Some bitches like mayo, other bitches like Miracle Whip, and then truly perverted fucks like you like others mens’ spunk,” he said, laughing at me. “I admit it, sweetheart. I stole it.”
“So fucking give it back!!!!”
“Sorry, sport, but I don’t have it anymore. Some other twink called me up a few hours ago. Real cute one, too. I don’t know how he knew I had it, or how he got my number, but he offered me a lot of money for it.”
Oh my God. Krell. That’s why he made me walk home. So he had a chance to call Buddy and buy Grayson’s cum from him. Krell must have bought Grayson’s cum from Buddy while I was taking a nap. Oh my God! Eww…. Krell actually bought his own dad’s cum.
Before I could think any more about the ramifications of Krell buying Grayson’s sperm from Buddy, the doorbell rang.
“Well, I supposed that would be Mr. Perfection himself,” said Buddy.
“Buddy, please. Just let him leave. Don’t bring him into this. I never should have brought him into this in the first place. You can keep playing with my hole if you want, just let him go.”
“You’d like that, wouldn’t you? But that wouldn’t be much fun.” Buddy grabbed my iPhone. “You rich people love your doorbell cameras, don’t you?”
Buddy held the iPhone up to my face, unlocking it. He then swiped over to the app for my doorbell camera, and opened it.
.
He showed me the phone, and I could see that Grayson was waiting outside.
Buddy pressed the button for the microphone.
“Well hey there, Johnny Appleseed. It’s Buddy and Nathaniel inside. Say hi, Nathaniel.”
“Grayson, just go! Let him kill me. I don’t want you trying anything heroic. Your family needs you. Your wife has cancer.”
“The door’s open, lover boy. Come be the hero,” Buddy said teasingly.
“No, Grayson!”
I could see Grayson’s worried reaction. “Nathaniel, I’m coming,” he said, his voice betraying no fear.
He opened the door and entered my apartment.
“We’re up here, Hot Shot,” Buddy said loudly. Buddy had the gun pointed at my left temple. I hated that Grayson’s life was about to be in danger again because of me. Just let him kill me. Please don’t let him hurt Grayson.
I heard, but didn’t see, Grayson approaching the bathroom where Buddy was holding me hostage.
Finally, there was a knock at the bathroom door.
“Come in,” said Buddy.
The door opened, and there was Grayson.
“Nathaniel, no,” he said.
“Grayson, get out of here. Just let him kill me. Please get out of here.”
I hated that Grayson was seeing my face covered in Buddy’s cum. It was like Buddy had branded me with his spunk, and I was no longer worthy to be in Grayson’s presence.
And then Buddy handed Grayson a white washcloth.
“I just ejaculated all over his face,” Buddy said, sounding pleased with himself. “Clean it off, tough guy.”
Grayson looked down at me with what looked like a combination of worry and pity, and dried Buddy’s gross cum off of my face. It was demeaning, but it also felt like it was bonding him to me.
Buddy then handed Grayson a set of handcuffs.
“You’re going to cuff your left arm to his and you’re gonna sit on the floor next to the tub, Prince Charming. Do it.” Grayson complied, cuffing his left arm to mine, so that he was sitting on the floor next to where I was standing on my knees naked in the tub and he were facing each other, though he was sitting next to the tub and I was standing in it. Buddy then cuffed Grayson’s right arm to another pipe on the wall, so Grayson and I were both handcuffed firmly in place.
“Great. And now for our grand finale. Nathaniel, who am I shooting in the head, you or loverboy?”
“Me,” I said, without hesitation.
“Great. Any last words?”
“I love you, Grayson,” I said. “I know you said it’s just lust, but it isn’t. You’re my soul mate. I wish I hadn’t forced you to do it, but I’m dying a happy man because I got to experience you making love to me just once. It was the most amazing moment of my life.”
“Buddy, don’t do this,” said Grayson. “You don’t have to kill him.”
“Sorry, but I do,” said Buddy.
“Why do this? You’re not a killer. What you did yesterday, you did because your family needed money. In a way, it was noble. But if you do this, there’s no going back. You’ll always be a killer, and you’ll regret it.”
Grayson was always so calm. I don’t know how he did it, how he managed to think so clearly and appeal to Buddy’s humanity.
“I have to do it. Because you so like to be the hero, and because you’ll wake up every day and remember how you couldn’t save him,” Buddy answered.
“Don’t give up your humanity to spite me, Buddy. There are other ways,” Grayson pleaded.
“Say goodbye to him,” Buddy commanded. “I’m gonna shoot him now, so if you have anything left to say, now would be the time to do it.”
“Don’t do this, Buddy, don’t do this!” Grayson begged.
“10, 9, 8…” Buddy started counting.
“Nathaniel,” said Grayson. “I’m sorry this happened. I enjoyed our time together as well. And… and….”
“3, 2, 1…”
“I love you too, Nathaniel!” Grayson said.
And then Buddy pulled the trigger.
I experienced a sort of mental clarity that people only experience when they know they’re about to die. I thought I was dead for a few seconds. But then I opened my eyes.
“It was unloaded, you guys. The whole time, it was unloaded. See ya later.”
And Buddy left me and Grayson alone, handcuffed in the bathroom.
We sat in silence for a few minutes.
Grayson was the first to speak.
“I’m sorry, Nathaniel. I should have known he would come over here. I should have been here to protect you. Did he hurt you?
I was embarrassed to tell Grayson. I just nodded.
“What did he do to you, Nathaniel? Did he…”
“He didn’t rape me. He just washed my butthole. Then he masturbated himself and ejaculated on my face. It could have been worse. He was just trying to degrade me. But I’m fine.”
“I should have protected you. I’m sorry for letting you down.”
“No, Grayson. Please don’t be silly. None of this is your fault. I’m the one who brought him into our lives. And now he won’t get out of our lives. I feel so terrible about all of this. What are we going to do?”
“Call the police,” Grayson said calmly. “We’ll tell them that Buddy broke in, and that he sexually assaulted you, and that he put handcuffs on us. That’s enough to send him to prison, probably for 50 years.”
“We can’t, Grayson. If we tell the police, then Buddy is going to tell them about what I did, and then I’ll go to jail.”
“I’ll tell them that I don’t want them to prosecute you. I’m sure that if I don’t want you charged, they won’t pursue a trial.”
“Maybe not,” I said. “But it’ll still be part of the public record. At Buddy’s trial, the details about what I did would come out. Are you prepared for that, Grayson? Are you prepared for the world to know that you cheated on your wife with me?”
“I did not cheat on her,” Grayson said authoritatively. “I had sex with you because Buddy was going to… to hurt you if I didn’t, Nathaniel. I could see on your face how scared you were. I couldn’t have that on my conscience, knowing I could have prevented it. It’s different.”
“I know that. You only had sex with me to keep Buddy from raping me. But other people won’t care about the details. They’ll just see in black and white that you fucked me, and that’s all they’ll care about. Your church will know. Your kids will know. Your employees will know. And, Grayson… your wife will know. She’ll know that you had sex with a man, with me.”
“She already knows,” Grayson said solemnly. “We have no secrets in our marriage. I told her immediately about what happened last night when I got home.”
“What?!” I asked, absolutely shocked. After the way Grayson had left in a huff the previous night, I assumed he didn’t want anybody to know. But he’d voluntarily told his wife?
“I told her about how you had a crush on me, and how you hired Buddy, and the things that Buddy made us do. And I asked her as her husband for her forgiveness. She was very hurt. I’ve never been unfaithful to her.”
I felt like I’d been punched in the gut. I wanted to die. Bone-crushing guilt came over me.
I started crying.
“Grayson, I am so sorry about what I did,” I said. “I wish I’d never even met Buddy. I feel absolutely terrible and it all keeps getting worse. I just wish I could take it all back. Is your wife still mad at you?”
“No,” Grayson said tenderly. “She’s fine now. We talked it out, and she forgave me. She understands I didn’t do it to be unfaithful, and that I was just trying to protect you. She’s pretty mad at you though, Nathaniel. You may want to apologize to her when you have the chance.”
“I will. I took something that belonged to her. Something I had no right to take. It was terrible,” I said, and I meant it. I felt like absolute garbage, completely unworthy of Grayson. I’d always treated sex like some sort of game, and now I’d done it to Grayson, someone who took sex so much more seriously than that. The more I thought about it, the more disgusted I was with myself. Worse than that, the more I thought about it, the more I realized how hopeless my situation was. There’s no way he’s ever going to leave her for me. Even if he does love me, which is a big if, he already has his soul mate and his family. I’m nothing to him, and I’ll never be anything to him. How fucking stupid of me to think a great man like him could ever love somebody like me.
I was slowly coming to terms with the hard facts that I didn’t want to face. I knew I loved Grayson, but I also knew that the stability and devotion that made him the subject of my adoration were also the very character traits that ensured that he would never ever leave his wife for me or cheat on her with me.
It was so frustrating. I had these intense, deep feelings about Grayson. I needed him in my life. There was no other man for me but Grayson. And yet, having him was a complete impossibility. I’d reached a total stalemate.
I didn’t want to think about it anymore. I couldn’t think about it anymore. I couldn’t repeat to myself over and over the fact that I’d never have him. It was too unbearable.
So I changed the subject.
“How are we going to get out of here?” I asked, regaining the strength in my voice as I stopped thinking about such emotional topics and just tried to live in the moment, dealing with the problems at hand.
“My wife will know something is up in a few hours. I told her I was coming here. Hopefully when I don’t come home, she’ll send my son Krell by to check on us.”
Fat chance of that. Krell’s probably on all fours getting fucked by Craig again as we speak.
“Wait a second. You told her you were coming to my apartment?”
“Yes, like I told you, we have no secrets in our marriage,” Grayson said.
“What exactly did you tell her?” Ugh. I sounded like a gossipy 15 year old girl.
“I told her that you’d asked me to come over, that you needed help.”
“But… she was willing to have you come over here? She trusted you, even… knowing that you and I had sex?”
“Of course she did. Because I told her the circumstances. She knows I’m not a cheater, and that I’m not gay.”
Grayson was only being truthful, and yet his words still stung. Not gay. I was also astounded by how much Grayson’s wife trusted him. Most women would think a story about some burglar forcing her husband to have gay sex was 100% false. And yet, she’d believed him. They have a great marriage. He’s really never leaving her. I know it. I should just give up on him.
“Grayson… Did you tell her everything we did last night?” I asked, unable to fully hide the wounded bird within me who just wanted to cry. I could just picture the moments, the embraces, the feelings I’d felt… I could see Grayson describing those events like some ordinary day. It was like a dagger to my heart. All of these sacred memories I was holding were just… normal matters for Grayson to discuss within his marriage. I wasn’t his special boy, and I never would be. I was just something unfortunate that had happened to him.
“You mean about what Buddy had us do? Yes. I told her.”
“What did you tell her?”
Grayson looked at me like I was asking too much.
“That he…” Grayson started to speak and stopped. Then, looking me in the eye, he said matter-of-factly “That Buddy forced us to have oral and anal copulation.”
Why does he have to make it sound so fucking clinical?
“What about the video Buddy took of us? Does she know?” I asked.
“Yes, I warned her. You and I both know there’s a strong possibility that he’ll publish it at some point. I don’t want her to be blindsided when that happens.”
“Did you tell her how Buddy made me spit your sperm into the mug?”
Grayson blushed a little.
“Nathaniel…”
“Well?”
”No,” he said, before clearing his throat. Strangely, that satisfied me. There was at least one intimate moment that Grayson and I shared privately, just between us. His wife couldn’t picture him cumming in my mouth, or how full of Grayson’s cum the mug had been when I spit it all out. She couldn’t picture my face as I’d tried to follow Buddy’s commands and keep all of Grayson’s cum in my mouth without swallowing any. She didn’t know about how Grayson had then used his own sperm to lube up my hole.
Knowing that, I felt better, like I had something over her.
Suddenly I thought about how Buddy had stolen the mug with Grayson’s sperm, and how Buddy had told me that he’d sold it to Krell. I thought of telling Grayson, but I stopped myself. He didn’t need to know all that. And it was highly possible that Krell had already gulped down the contents of the mug, in which case it would be a moot point. There was a bit of an awkward pause.
Finally, I spoke up, and asked what I’d been dying to ask.
“So did you mean what you said before?”
He furrowed his eyebrows.
“About loving me?” I continued. “Or were you just saying that to be nice because you thought Buddy was going to kill me and you wanted to make me happy before I died?”
All I had to do was look into his eyes for the answer to my question.
“I thought so,” I said wistfully.
“Nathaniel…I may not love you in exactly the way you want me to, but… I care about you. A lot.”
“Grayson, you say that, but… that’s not what it felt like when we were intimate last night. It’s not what it felt like when you kissed me. It felt like desire. It felt like you wanted me, badly. It felt like a kiss from a man who loves me.”
Grayson paused for a long time. He was used to always knowing the words to say. I had disarmed him – and to my shock, that was a tantalizing prospect. I was so attracted to Grayson for fulfilling my fantasy of righteous and confident masculinity. But now I was deliberately making him uncomfortable and unsure – and surprisingly, it was turning me on.
This is why I don’t need to top men in bed. This is the only kind of domination I enjoy.
And this was where I realized why I couldn’t help myself and had to keep coming back to Grayson. Because I realized that as much as I knew deep down that our situation was impossible and there was no way he would ever cheat on his wife and have sex with me again, there was so much fucking chemistry. Grayson and I just had this inexplicable spark between us. We would always be drawn to each other. And that’s why I couldn’t walk away. He could reject me a thousand times, and I would always come back for more.
My words had just lingered in the air. I wondered if he was remembering kissing me the previous night, if he was playing it back in his mind. I wondered if he was even becoming aroused thinking about it. He looked at me defiantly, as if daring me to say more forbidden words than I’d already said.
“Just say what you’re thinking, Grayson. It’s just me. There’s nothing you can’t say to me.”
“I don’t know what to say, Nathaniel. I don’t want to disappoint you, but I also don’t want to lead you on.”
“Or maybe you don’t want to be honest with yourself about what you feel, because you don’t know how to compartmentalize it.”
“No. That isn’t it.”
“Then what is it?”
“Nathaniel. You’re confused. By circumstance. You need to try to, I don’t know…. to get me out of your system. We keep being in these near death situations together. Adrenaline is pumping. That’s what’s got your mind jumbled, kiddo.”
I hated being called kiddo by him. It was like he was going out of his way to pretend everything was normal and that he didn’t have sex with me.
“I don’t think that’s what you meant to say Grayson,” I said, kinda bitchily.
“What do you mean?” he asked.
“You meant to say something else,” I insisted.
“I don’t think so.”
“I do. Fuck. Just fucking say it! Say that you love me. Only mean it this time. You can’t tell me that what I felt last night was a lie.” I was desperate. I knew my position was hopeless, but I figured my only shot of getting through to him was to at least get him to admit that he felt the same spark between us that I felt, and that the sex between us hadn’t been just average everyday sex…. It had been mindblowingly good for both of us.
But Grayson wasn’t playing anymore.
“Nathaniel, I don’t feel how you feel. And I’m a married man. You knew that.” Totally blunt and brutal. I wanted to die.
“Damn it, nobody said that you weren’t. I didn’t ask you to leave her for me, Grayson. I just want you to be honest about how you feel about me.”
“If you’d asked me yesterday, I’d have said you were a great employee and a wonderful friend. And you still are. And…” He was struggling to find the words.
“And you love me.” I was getting frustrated. Things had changed irreversibly, and Grayson was still acting like he could crawl back into his ball of comfortable, unthreatening heterosexuality.
“Let me finish, Nathaniel,” he said sternly. “I felt very protective toward you when I saw Buddy hurting you, and when I thought he was going to…” he trailed off, not wanting to finish that thought.
“...But?” I asked.
“I also felt something else, and… I’m pretty sure it was a bad thing. Not what you want to hear. And I’m keeping that to myself instead of hurting you,” he said, choosing his words carefully.
“That’s not fair. Let me decide that,” I replied.
“I’ve never been intimate before with anyone aside from my wife. And I thought with you, it would just be something physical, and I could go through the motions. But it wasn’t just physical. There… there was certainly emotion attached to the moment. It was more than I expected.”
Yes. Finally, at least you admit that you felt what I felt. That’s honestly all I needed. That alone is liberating.
He paused again. He was uncomfortable bearing his soul to me like this.
“More how?” I asked, urging him on.
“It wasn’t just physical. When I’m with my wife, I feel like it’s something sacred. Like I’m performing the way God intended a man to perform. With her, it’s not just pleasure, but also affection, and accomplishment.”
“And with me?”
“It wasn’t just physical. I felt something deeper than that.”
“I’m confused. Why would I think that’s a bad thing? It sounds like love to me, Grayson.”
“I don’t think it is, Nathaniel. I think it’s something else.”
“What else could it be?”
“It‘s Satan trying to confuse me, Nathaniel, trying to make me break my covenants. I’ve never believed that two men could share an intimate connection. I knew two men could experience physical pleasure together, but not emotional intimacy, not in a heavenly sense. And I know how cunning Satan can be, how insidious. How right he would make things feel when really I’m being enticed to commit the worst possible sin. You’re an amazing person, Nathaniel. You’re smart, talented, personable, nice to look at. If Satan were going to send someone to try to fool me and trick me into sinning, you’re the exact person he’d send. And I’m never going to let that happen.”
I’d never seen Grayson be anything but supremely confident for as long as I’ve known him. To see this vulnerability was shocking, but I found that I didn’t love him any less for it. To know that he had doubts and fears made him more human to me – rather than the godlike figure that I’d been putting on such a pedestal.
“Grayson… I forced you to deal with a lot all at once. I’ve got to stop pressuring you. You just need more time to think about all of this, and figure out what it is you’re feeling.”
“No, I don’t need more time. I enjoyed having sex with you, more than I care to admit. But look, Nathaniel, you’re not being realistic. You need to see the true picture. You have to understand, I will never leave my wife. Not for anyone. Certainly not for a man, not even a great guy like you. I’m not gay. So you need to forget about me and this crush you have on me and move on with your life.”
I snapped. “I’m not asking you to leave her! Fuck! For the 90th fucking time, I never told you to leave her!” I yelled petulantly.
“Then what do you want, Nathaniel?” he asked patiently.
“I just want you to have an open mind. Not now, because I can see that you need time to process all this. But at least give yourself a chance to be honest with yourself. Don’t just shove these feelings deep down somewhere because you’re afraid of them. Let yourself feel them. Let yourself see the truth, even if it’s a truth that you don’t like.”
“I’m sorry to be harsh, but you don’t want me to see the objective truth, Nathaniel. You want me to see things the way you see them.”
“I want you to give yourself a chance to, yes.”
“So say I come to see things the way you see them. Then what?”
“I want you to admit that you felt what I felt, Grayson. That it wasn’t in my mind. You started to a minute ago and then you stopped, damn it. You stopped when you were getting to the parts that I’ve been waiting my entire life for somebody to say to me. That I’m not fucking crazy. That you were making love to me. That I didn’t imagine it. That you do find me lovable. That somebody, somewhere could actually love me.”
Grayson looked at me, his blue eyes twinkling at me. It was a look somewhere between compassion and pity. I already knew I’d lost him, but what I wanted was confirmation from him that I’d ever had him, even if it was just for a short moment.
“Nathaniel. Nathaniel… I don’t know how to get through to you. You gotta know it could never work, right?” He had the patience of a saint. He was still trying so hard to let me down gently, even after I’d said rude things to him that I had no right to say.
But I didn’t want gentle. I hated the tone he was taking with me. I hated the way he was looking at me. I hated all of this. Part of me wanted Grayson to tell me he hated me and never wanted to speak to me again. At least then I’d know where I stood.
“Nathaniel, if I say the things you want me to say, what would happen after? You’d spend the rest of your life wanting something more, something that I’ve told you that I can never give. I have duties, I’ve made promises, I’ve entered into eternal covenants. You’re young, Nathaniel. Why throw away your life on something that’s just… not possible?”
Yes, I fucking know that Grayson. I know I can never have you. I just want to know that you love me. Fuck!
“That’s my problem, not yours. Don’t worry about me, Grayson. If I have to live the rest of my life pining for you, and if I can never have you, then that’s my cross to bear. Everyone wants to be loved. Everyone deserves to feel for just one moment that someone else truly saw them, and knew them, and loved them. Don’t you think I deserve that, Grayson?”
“Darn it, Nathaniel. Of course you do.”
“But you won’t say it.”
“Would you rather I lie to you and make you happy, or hurt you by telling you the truth, Nathaniel?” Grayson said. There was no trace of harshness or malice in his voice. He was just trying to be honest with me, and I stubbornly refused to accept the things I didn’t want to hear. “I don’t love you, not the way you love me. I’m sorry. But I just don’t. As a son, yes. As a friend, yes. But as a lover, I don’t. And I never will.”
“Unbelievable. You’re such a coward,” I said.
“Nathaniel, please don’t say something you’re going to regret. Don’t ruin whatever it was that we had last night. Because last night is all we’ll ever have. I promise you that. You asked for the truth, Nathaniel.”
“You bastard,” I said. “You fucking bastard. You’re such a liar.”
“Nathaniel, stop before you say anything else you can’t take back later.”
“Maybe I will. But I’m just being fucking honest. Unlike you.” I was lashing out at him. I knew it, but I couldn’t stop myself.
“Honest? Nathaniel, you idealize things in your mind. You come up with images, with daydreams, with fantasies that reality could never possibly fulfill. And now that I’m not fulfilling what your imagination has conjured up, you’re getting hostile.”
“I’m getting hostile because you act like you’re this great guy, like you’re so accepting, but I know what this really is. You don’t like gays. You never have. And you’re terrified that a part of you could be gay as well. So you have to make me the bad guy, You have to make me the other. To make yourself feel superior. And damn it, I love you anyway, Grayson. I can see all that, your faults, your weakness, and still love you anyway.”
“There’s no part of me that’s ‘gay’, Nathaniel, and there never will be. I’m sorry, but I can’t be the person you want me to be.”
“You told me you felt things with me. Things that frightened you. And now you’re saying, ‘I’m definitely not gay and never will be’? Can’t you see the logical leaps that you’re making?” Of course, Grayson was being perfectly logical and consistent. I was really the one actually making logical leaps, but my emotions were clouding me to that fact.
“Because, Nathaniel, even if I sort out what I feel, that doesn’t change the fact that I’m a married man. I’m a family man. And you need to accept that your little… homosexual fantasies about me are never going to come true.” This was the first time it felt to me like he was losing patience with me. Most people wouldn’t have put up with as much as Grayson had already put up with, and now I was really pushing my luck.
“If you really believe that, will you just pray to God and ask Him? After all, what do you have to lose just by asking Him, Grayson?”
“All of a sudden you believe in God, Nathaniel?”
“I never said I didn’t believe in God, Grayson. When you made love to me yesterday, I knew for a fact that God exists. Because I’ve never enjoyed sex on that level before. You took me away to a whole different universe, one where it was just us and the love between us. And I saw God.”
Grayson was looking into my eyes. I hoped that he could see that I was being honest. He probably thought that I just sounded crazy.
“Will you please just pray about it tonight? Even if you’re sure. For God’s sake, Grayson, you said you thought I was sent by Satan! Don’t you think you owe it to me – to yourself – to find out whether that is true? Or maybe I was sent to you by God. Maybe there’s a whole other side of love that He wants you to know, and I can be the one to teach you about it.”
Grayson looked shocked. I don’t think he’d thought of that possibility, or that I would be the one to suggest it. To be honest, I’d surprised myself with that theory. He was so caught off guard that he was no longer on the defensive. It really seemed like I’d gotten through to him, and that I was making him think about it.
“Nathaniel… I’m not going to pray about something to undermine my marriage. You have to understand that in itself would be a sin.”
“Then can you ask God if there’s some possible way you could love me that wouldn’t be a sin?”
“Nathaniel…”
“Please, can you just ask?” I begged.
“Nathaniel. Can you just let it go already? I’ve tried to let you down gently. To be respectful of the way you feel. But you won’t take no for an answer. I don’t see any possible way –” he trailed off, as though he was about to say something I’d object to and wanted to find a way to rephrase. “God has already told me so many things that would seem to contradict the possibility that you could have been sent to me for some kind of… romantic relationship.”
“Aren’t there things about God that are far behind human understanding?” I asked.
“Of course,” he answered. “But even if I accept that, there is the simple fact that adultery is a sin. Even if I accept that the Lord has some kind of purpose for your feelings for me, I can’t cheat on my wife and I can’t leave my wife. Even in the small chance that you’re right, we’re at an impasse anyway. Don’t you see that it’s a waste of time for me to even consider this?”
“You’re thinking too many steps ahead, Grayson. What harm could it do? Please, Grayson. This is my only chance. Will you please just pray about it?”
“Nathaniel... OK. Fine. I will. Just… Please don’t get your hopes up. The Lord works in mysterious ways. And you may not like His answers.”
“Thank you, Grayson. I accept that I’m probably going to be disappointed. But after what I felt yesterday… It feels worth it to try.” I wondered if he would tell his wife that he was praying to ask God about the meaning behind our lovemaking, and about the true nature of his feelings for me.
“You are such a pain in the butt, Nathaniel. You know that?”
I wanted to joke with him and tell him that he was the pain in my butt. But I respected him too much to be that obscene. I hoped someday to get to the place where we could have that kind of joking relationship about our lovemaking.
“My problem is that I like to argue. I probably should have been an attorney.”
“You would have been great at that,” he agreed. “What did you want to be when you were a kid?”
“An actor,” I said. “I’ve always had a bit of a flair for the dramatic. And I’ve always liked to be the center of attention. What about you?”
“A pastor,” he said. “I’ve always liked the feeling of bringing people closer to their Savior, Jesus Christ. Actually, Nathaniel… I was thinking. Would you like to come home with me tonight, and come to church with us tomorrow morning? I don’t like the thought of you staying here alone with Buddy on the loose.”
“Are you sure that your wife would be OK with that? I mean… I get that she’s being understanding, but still. She’s only human. I had sex with her husband. I doubt she wants me in her house.”
“I’ll call her and explain it to her. I’ll tell her that I walked in on Buddy trying to… Trying to hurt you.” I noticed that Grayson could never bring himself to mention the possibility of Buddy having sex with me. I liked that that was such an uncomfortable, taboo thought for him. “She’ll know that I cannot leave you here by yourself.”
“Are you sure you have room for me in your house?”
“We have a four bedroom, and our youngest son Krell is the only one who still lives with us. You can stay in my older sons’ bedroom.” If Krell is spending the night at Craig’s, maybe I can search his bedroom to see if I can find Grayson’s sperm. That is, if he hasn’t already gulped it all down.
“Where do your other kids live?” I asked, genuinely wanting to know more about the Nash family.
“Our oldest, Kuhn, is married and serving in the U.S. Air Force. Then we have Kabb who goes to UCLA on a football scholarship, and Kreed who studies Business at San Francisco State University. Our daughter Keyne is currently volunteering for a Christian charity as well as serving as a missionary in Ghana. And then Krell is 18 and a senior in high school.”
Where the hell did they come up with these names?
“Wow. You must be really proud of them. But I’m surprised your oldest four are already off on their own. You didn’t seem old enough to have such accomplished kids.”
“We got married when we were 22, and we started having kids right away.”
I couldn’t imagine that. I was 24, and the idea that I could already have one or two kids seemed totally absurd. I felt nowhere near ready to have that kind of responsibility.
“What is your family like?” he asked.
“I was never really too close to my family. And I hardly see them anymore now. But I can tell you’re a great father, Grayson. I hope your kids know how lucky they are. To be honest… I think it was the fact that you’re such a good father that attracted me to you–” I was interrupted by Grayson’s cell phone ringing.
“That’s my wife,” he said. “I can tell by the ring. I feel bad that she’s going to get nervous about me, but hopefully it means she’ll text Krell soon and have him come free us.” Krell is not going to be happy about being called over here. He’s gonna think I did it on purpose to interrupt his lovemaking session with Craig.
I was sure Krell would want to bring Craig with him, but there’d be no way to explain that to Grayson. Grayson didn’t even know that Krell was gay, let alone that Krell knew Craig or was now living a double life as Craig’s new “girlfriend” Cindy. I hoped that Grayson wouldn’t tell Krell that I was going to be spending the night. That might result in Krell aborting his plans to stay the night at Craig’s, and it might ruin my plan to search Krell’s bedroom looking for the mug with Grayson’s cum.
A few moments later, Grayson’s phone started ringing again.
“I’m sorry honey,” he said. “I wish I could answer.”
“This wait could really start getting excruciating,” I said.
“I know. I wish there was something we could do to pass the time,” he said. An uncomfortable silence followed those words.
“Maybe we could play Truth or Dare,” I suggested. Grayson gave me a disapproving look. “Or just ‘Truth’. How about we play ‘Truth’?”
Grayson laughed. “OK, truth. What is your favorite book?”
“Pride and Prejudice. Your turn. Truth. On a scale of 0 to 100, how badly do you want to kiss me tonight?”
“Nathaniel,” he said.
“Hey! I answered! Fair is fair, Grayson. You knew the rules of the game when you agreed to play.”
“Well, I’m not playing anymore.”
“Fine, then I guess you have no honor.”
“I have honor! You just have no shame. You can’t ask a married man that question, Nathaniel. I wish you would respect my marriage.”
“I’m sorry, Grayson. I will try harder.”
Suddenly, my phone rang. Maybe Grayson’s wife reached out to Krell, and Krell asked Craig to try to call me.
“Krell is going to be here soon, Grayson. So if you’re thinking about kissing me, you better do it soon.”
“I’m not thinking about that,” he said.
“I’m just teasing, Grayson. Don’t be so serious all the time.”
“Hey, wait a minute,” Grayson said, suddenly realizing something. “How did you know about my wife’s cancer?”
He really had a knack for having delayed reactions to the things I said.
“I don’t want to lie to you, Grayson, but I can’t tell you that. In order to tell you, I would have to tell you someone else’s secret that isn’t mine to tell.”
“Hmm. Interesting,” he said, clearly a bit annoyed.
If I told him that Krell told me about his wife’s cancer, he’d want to know where Krell and I met. And then he’s gonna want to know why Krell told me that. I’m gonna have to tell him that Krell knows he fucked me, and maybe even that Krell got fucked by Craig. I’m not gonna open that can of worms.
“I’m sorry Grayson. Are you mad at me?”
Grayson furrowed his brow. “If you say it’s not your secret to tell, I’ll have to respect that. But please don’t tell anyone at the office about my wife’s cancer. It was on purpose that I didn’t tell people at work.”
“OK, Grayson. I won’t.”
Suddenly, the doorbell rang.
“That must be Krell,” said Grayson.
To Be Continued…
Thank you to malcolmsu and nvadude29 for editing and proofreading this story!
