By the Campfire Light

The campfire stretched at least twelve feet in diameter, a perimeter of stones circled it about three feet from the edge. The orange glow backlit those nearest me and brightened the faces of those to my left and on the other side. Jedediah Fallbrook stood close to the stones. His face was in profile, but occasionally he glanced so I could see more of his face. I could see the movement of his mouth, so I assumed he was talking to someone.

That evening was the first time I’d seen him. It would be the first time I spoke with him and the first time I touched him. It was the start of my journey to manhood and the search for my place in the world.

In the summer of my sixteenth year, my mother sat me down for a serious talk. She told me that my step-father had clarified some things for her; he was concerned about my behavior. That surprised me. I was a well-behaved student. I made top grades in all my classes. Why should he be worried?

My mother began, “Thomas has noticed that you don’t date. He thinks you don’t like girls.”

“Maybe I haven’t found the right one.” Not that I ever would; I’d realized that a couple of years before. I was one of those guys who likes guys. I just wasn’t ready to have my mother boo-hoo about it. And Thomas? Who cares what he thinks. He wasn’t my father, and he was creepier than those step-dads in the gay porn videos. I certainly wasn’t interested in sex with him. My step-brother Scott was worse, a completely drugged-out meth-head. The only time I was near him, I threw up because of his stench. “What do you think, Mom?”

“Well, you know I want grandchildren, Ethan.”

“I’m not sure I want kids, Mom.” I looked down at my hands and interlocked my fingers. “He’s worried that I’m gay because it wouldn’t look good with his friends.”

“Now, honey. He never said that.”

“He doesn’t have to. He should be more worried about Scott.”

“Scott?” Her voice pitched up. “He’s already gotten two girls pregnant.”

“So? He offered to suck me for twenty dollars, and he told me that I could have anal sex with him for fifty.” My mother’s face dropped. I knew that Scott only offered so he could get some cash for drugs. But I was willing to let her think the worst. “I’ll tell you what. If I fall in love with a guy, I’ll bring him home for you to meet, and if I fall in love with a girl, I’ll bring her home.”

Well, my senior year arrived, and I still had not brought anyone home for my mother (and step-father) to meet. With no warning, I came down to dinner one night to find that my step-father had invited a co-worker and his twenty-two-year-old daughter to dinner. Hannah was quite subdued at dinner. She had good manners and a very pleasant demeanor. If I had been looking for a wife, I thought she would make a nice choice.

After dinner, Thomas suggested we sit on the back patio. Hannah insisted on sitting right next to me. She nuzzled my neck, told me how hot I was, and with her hand on my groin, she mentioned that she was on the pill and was willing to let me fuck her without protection. I’m not sure how I escaped, but later, when I told my mother that Hannah was a slut, she told me that Thomas was looking out for me.

My step-father also got me invited to the Fall Social for St. Mary’s Catholic Church. I thought about mentioning to him that I had done my catechism at St. Paul’s Lutheran Church and was an adult member of that church, but I realized the futility of it, and I was glad I did.

The social was held on a farm just outside of town, and it was at that social that I first saw Jedediah Fallbrook. His handsome face was lit by the orange glow of the campfire. I had to meet him. My shy brain had forced me to stand in the shadows, but the strong will of my penis forced me to approach him. As I drew closer to the fire, he turned to look at me. I walked straight toward him.

He smiled, and I put my hand out as I stepped up to him. “Ethan Briggs,” I said with confidence.

“Jed Fallbrook. I saw you when we gathered at the gate by the house. I was hoping to meet you.”

“Yeah? Well, I just saw you standing here, and I knew that I had to meet you.”

“A mutual need to meet the other. Interesting, wouldn’t you say?” Jed raised an eyebrow as he said it.

“I can’t say I’ve ever had it happen to me before,” I chuckled softly.

“It’s a little too warm here by the fire, Ethan. Why do we walk down toward the creek? I have a flashlight. It’s also quieter.”

I nodded, “OK, Jed. Sounds like fun.” I followed him down to an old wooden bridge. There were no railings on the bridge; it appeared to be wide enough to move farm equipment from one side to the other.

Jed sat at the edge about a third of the way across. I sat next to him. I left just enough space to let him know that I was interested in being close to him but that I knew about boundaries. As twilight deepened into darkness, I looked down at my feet, dangling over the edge, and I could barely make them out. The darkness was about to swallow them. I turned and looked at Jed. “It’s strange how I can hear the water, but I can’t see it.”

“Wait until it’s really dark; you’ll hear all sorts of things.” He turned his face toward me. “I haven’t seen you at church. I’d remember.”

“I don’t go to St. Mary’s. I go to St. Paul’s.”

“Oh, no,” he laughed. “A protestant.”

“Sort of. Lutherans aren’t really like the other protestants,” I told him.

“We should compare notes sometime. Not tonight, though.”

“I’d love to sit down and compare notes,” I chuckled.

“So, why are you at a Catholic gathering of singles and youths?”

“My father, step-father, sent me here to find...he sent me here to find a girl to date, but I’m not interested in girls, and he doesn’t know that. They keep pressuring me. I mean my mom and him.” I had started to talk too fast.

“Are you interested in guys, or just not interested in anyone?”

I found the question interesting. Were there people not interested in anyone? I whispered back. “Interested in guys.” I paused for a moment, wondering whether I should say it. “I’m interested in you.”

In the last little bit of light, I saw him smile. He whispered back, “I think you’re cute.”

I realized in that instant that I had been carrying a huge burden. The idiom ‘a weight lifted from my shoulders’ came true. I suddenly felt as though stress was physically leaving my body. I moved my hand until I felt Jed’s fingers. “I’ve seen myself in the mirror, and I think you’re cuter than I am.”

He laughed a little bit. “But I also think you’re sexy.”

I giggled as I heard someone in the distance. I could see a couple of flashlights as people walked around. “If there weren’t people here, I’d show you how sexy I think you are.”

“Have you done anything with another guy?” I could sense that he was breathing a little faster.

“No. Just watched some videos.”

“Cool. I haven’t watched any. My father’s a deacon, and we’re not allowed to have computers in the bedroom. Besides, I’ve got two brothers. I’m sure my father suspects, though.”

“What makes you think so?” I asked.

“He told me that he knows that my coming to this get-together is a waste of time because he knows I won’t find anyone to marry. The older people in the church think this is where the guys and girls find a spouse. Then he said not to embarrass him.”

“What’s he think? That you’d find some guy to screw in front of everyone?” I shook my head even though no one could see it.

“Even what we’re doing now would embarrass him,” said Jed.

“Talking?”

“Yeah. We’re sitting too close together. We’re almost holding hands.”

“Let’s hold them for real.” I adjusted my hand, and we interlaced our fingers. He held my hand tightly, and I felt warm inside. I could tell that my eyes misted up. “I like that.”

“I was so glad you walked up to me. I prayed when I first saw you that you would make the first move so I would know it was safe to talk to you.”

“That’s wild. Because, when I saw you standing by that huge campfire, the way that orange light seemed to dance on your face, I just knew I had to talk to you. It’s as if... I know that it sounds crazy… but do you think that God wanted us to meet?”

“It doesn’t sound crazy to me. I’ve been praying to have someone to talk to, someone to love, someone who would love me back. You’re the first person I’ve seen that I specifically prayed about. It was just a short prayer, but He answered it.”

I squeezed his hand and stared out into the darkness. I looked up at the stars as more became visible. I’d looked up at them many times. In the backyard, on camping trips, on stays at the beach. But all of those times had been alone. “The stars are so beautiful.”

“I don’t like to look at them; they make me feel alone.”

“But you’re not alone now,” I said.

“In books, I always loved the horsehead nebula.”

“I wish we could see it without a telescope. That one and the hourglass one.”

“You’re right. It is different when you look at them with someone,” he said.

I heard him sniffle. I moved a little closer, released his hand, and put my arm around him. “I know.”

“Foods ready!” We heard the shout.

“We should amble back.” Jed pushed himself back from the edge. I let go of him and did the same. Before turning to go, he got close to me. “I brought a blanket, in case it gets cold. I left it in my backpack near the campfire.”

“Are you cold?”

“Maybe just a little,” he said.

I adjusted my head and kissed him quickly. “A little heat until we get closer to the fire.”

His hands wrapped around me, and he kissed me back. “I guess I was a little colder than I realized. Let’s go.”

I had to adjust myself as we headed off the bridge. His kiss had made me hard, and the elastic of my underwear pinched the head of my penis. In the darkness, I tried to imagine what Jed looked like without any clothes. This may have been a church outing, but I wondered whether this was love at first sight.