I sat quietly next to Todd’s father, Mr. Fairburn, trying very hard not to die of what felt like an imminent and well-deserved heart attack. My hands were folded so tightly in my lap that my knuckles had gone pale, and I kept my eyes fixed somewhere near the scuffed rubber mat on the passenger-side floorboard, as if there were something deeply fascinating about a smear of dried mud shaped vaguely like the state of Texas.
It was easier to stare at that than to look at him.
Or think. Or breathe.
Mostly, I focused on breathing.
In. Out. Not too fast. Not too loud. Definitely not shaky. I had the distinct feeling that if I made one sudden movement, if I sniffed, or coughed, or blinked too aggressively, Mr. Fairburn might glance over, decide I wasn’t worth the trouble, and calmly me out of the car before it was stopped.
Which, I realized, was probably not a rational thought.
But then again, fifteen minutes ago I had been in the back seat of Todd’s car, and now I was here, riding shotgun like some kind of criminal being transported across county lines, so I felt justified in allowing my brain a little creative freedom.
I risked a glance at him.
Mr. Fairburn drove with one hand resting lightly on the steering wheel, the other draped over the center console. His posture was relaxed, almost casual, like this was any other drive on any other afternoon. No white-knuckled grip. No clenched jaw. No muttered threats under his breath.
He even had the radio on. Low. Country music. Something slow and sad about trucks and regret. That, somehow, made it worse.
Because people who were about to explode didn’t usually listen to soft country music. People who were about to explode yelled. They swerved. They slammed brakes. They did something.
This quiet, controlled calm felt… intentional.
Calculated.
The kind of calm I imagined serial killers had.
I swallowed hard.
Serial killers probably stayed calm right up until the moment they slaughtered the innocent victim in the seat next to them. Otherwise they’d get caught right away and never get the moniker serial.
A small, hysterical chuckle escaped me before I could stop it.
It sounded wrong in the silence. Thin. Cracked.
I clamped my lips shut immediately, but it was too late. My face twitched, and suddenly my lip began to quiver in a way that I absolutely could not allow. I pressed it between my teeth, willing it to behave.
Do not cry.
Do not cry.
Do not cry in front of Todd’s father after he just caught you with his son. I squeezed my eyes shut for a second.
Bad idea.
Because an image came into my head in full, horrifying clarity. An knife, plunging down toward me.
Mr. Fairburn’s voice cut through the memory.
“I’m trying to figure out what to say right now.”
I snapped back to the present like I’d been yanked by a rope.
My gaze dropped immediately back to the floor.
“Yes, sir,” I managed, though it came out somewhere between a squeak and a whisper.
There was a pause. Not a long one, but long enough for my imagination to start sprinting again.
He’s choosing his words carefully, I thought. That’s never good.
“In case you’re wondering,” he continued, his tone still maddeningly even, “and I bet you are, I’m not going to kill you.”
The sound that came out of me was… not dignified. It was something between a gasp, a laugh, and the beginning of a sob that I strangled halfway through. My shoulders jerked, and I had to press my fist against my mouth to contain whatever that was trying to become.
“I’m sorry, kid,” he said, and for the first time there was a hint of something warmer in his voice. Regret, maybe. Or concern.
He flicked on the turn signal and eased the car into a mostly empty parking lot, a faded strip mall with a closed storefront and a vending machine humming near the entrance.
The car rolled to a stop, engine still running.
Silence settled again, thicker this time.
“I thought that by remaining calm,” he said, turning slightly in his seat, “you would stay calm.”
I nodded quickly, even though I was very much not calm.
“Look,” he went on, “I have a pretty good idea what you’re feeling.”
I wasn’t sure that was possible, but I kept that thought to myself.
“When I was your age,” he said, “a girl’s father caught me fucking her.”
My head snapped up before I could stop it.
He didn’t look embarrassed. If anything, he looked faintly amused, like he was remembering something equal parts mortifying and ridiculous.
“I can’t even remember her name,” he added with a small shake of his head. “But I was horny, and so was she, and luckily I didn’t knock her up.”
He let out a quiet chuckle.
“That’s probably not something I have to worry about here,” he added.
The words slipped out of my mouth before I could filter them.
“I wasn’t wearing a condom.”
There was a beat.
Then he laughed.
Not angrily. Not sharply. Just… laughed.
“That’s cute, kid,” he said, shaking his head. “Real cute.”
I stared at him, unsure if I should be relieved or more terrified.
“I suppose you’re the JD that’s Todd’s math partner,” he went on.
I blinked. Slowly. Carefully. I turned to look at him fully now, searching his face for… something. Accusation. Judgment. A trap.
He met my gaze and smiled.
Not a big smile. Not a fake one. Just… a small, knowing curve at the corner of his mouth.
“Yeah,” he said. “There’s no math project, is there?”
I felt my face heat instantly. “No, sir.”
“Didn’t think so.” He nodded. He leaned back slightly, resting his arm again.
“Do your parents know?”
The question landed heavier than anything he’d said so far.
I looked away again, back out the windshield this time, where the late afternoon sun cast long shadows across the cracked pavement.
“About Todd?” I asked, buying time.
“About any of it.”
“No, sir.”
“Do they know that you’re gay?” he asked, not unkindly. “Or are you just curious?”
I swallowed.
The word curious felt too small. Too temporary. Like something you tried on and could take off later.
“No, sir,” I said quietly. “I… I haven’t told them that I’m gay, so I haven’t told them that I’m in love with Todd.”
The words hung in the air.
Gay. Love.
Saying it out loud always felt different than thinking it. Heavier. More permanent.
“I…” I started, then stopped.
I wasn’t sure how to finish that sentence.
I haven’t told them because I’m scared.
Because I don’t know what will happen.
Because I don’t know if they’ll still look at me the same way.
Mr. Fairburn nodded slowly, like he understood the part I couldn’t say.
“I’m not going to tell them, JD,” he said.
My head snapped back toward him.
“That’s your job.”
Relief washed over me so suddenly it made me dizzy. But then he handed the responsibility right back to me.
“Thank you,” I said, the words tumbling out too fast.
He gave a small nod.
“It’s something that I have wanted to do,” I admitted, my voice quieter now, more honest than I had planned to be. “But I’ve been scared to do it.”
I stared out the window again.
“I guess I’ll be doing it sooner than I was planning.”
“Maybe,” he said. “But not because of me.”
I frowned slightly, glancing back at him.
“They deserve to know,” he continued, “so the two of you don’t need to sneak around like this.”
His eyes flicked toward the rearview mirror for a moment, like he could still see us back there.
“Sex behind the Tractor Supply store makes for a good story when you’re older,” he added, “but what if a police officer had discovered you?”
The image hit me immediately, vivid and awful.
Flashing lights.
Questions.
Handcuffs.
“We would have been fucked,” I said before I could stop myself.
He barked a short laugh.
“Exactly,” he said. “But the second time would not have been as much fun.”
Despite everything, a weak smile tugged at the corner of my mouth.
He was still smiling when I looked back at him.
Not mocking. Not condescending.
Just… amused.
And maybe a little relieved.
“Thank you,” I said again, more steady this time. “For not yelling. Or… you know.”
“Threatening your life?” he offered.
“Yeah.”
He exhaled slowly, leaning his head back against the seat for a second.
“That’s what the girl’s father did,” he said. “Terrified me. I was sure he was going to kill me.”
I could picture it now, him younger, maybe about my age, caught in the same awful spotlight I’d just been in.
“Had he not gone crazy like that,” Mr. Fairburn continued, “I might have had a second date with his daughter.”
He glanced over at me again.
“Maybe a third,” he added. “Who knows what Todd would look like if I had married her.”
The thought startled a laugh out of me.
“I’m glad he yelled at you, then.”
He raised an eyebrow. “Yeah?”
“Because Todd is perfect the way he is,” I said, the words coming easier now, warmer. “He’s absolutely perfect.”
For a moment, Mr. Fairburn didn’t respond. He just looked at me. Really looked at me. Like he was weighing something. Then he smiled again, softer this time.
“Well,” he said, “he’s close. I’m not sure about absolutely.”
“He is,” I insisted, surprising myself with how certain I sounded. “He deserves better than me.”
The moment the words left my mouth, I wanted to take them back.
Not because they weren’t true, but because saying them out loud made them real in a way I couldn’t ignore.
Mr. Fairburn’s expression shifted immediately.
“Now just a minute,” he said, turning more fully toward me. There was no humor in his voice this time. Not anger either. Something firmer. Grounded. “If he’s absolutely perfect,” he went on, “wouldn’t he pick someone who’s absolutely perfect for him?”
I remember opening my mouth, but before I said anything, I thought about what he had said.
The gravel crunched beneath my tires as I turned onto Juan's driveway, each stone a familiar reminder of countless spring breaks spent here after high school. Dust kicked up in a lazy cloud behind my car, settling slowly on the wildflowers that lined the path. The mailbox, rusty and leaning slightly to the right like it had for years, bore the Rodriguez name in peeling white letters. I parked near the porch, shutting off the engine and letting the silence wash over me, broken only by the distant caw of a crow and the gentle rustle of leaves in the afternoon breeze.
The porch swing creaked rhythmically, even though no one sat there. Juan had always insisted he'd fixed it, but we all knew better. Some things weren't meant to be changed. Before I could reach the first weathered step, the screen door swung open with its familiar protest of hinges that needed oiling.
"How're you doing?" Juan asked, stepping onto the porch. He looked older somehow, though it had only been months since I'd seen him. The lines around his eyes had deepened, and his hair was longer than usual, falling across his forehead in a way that made him look perpetually boyish despite the changes.
"I'm tired," I admitted, climbing the steps slowly. "Two research papers to submit and a killer mid-term last week. I cannot wait to get some rest."
Juan leaned against the porch railing, his smile not quite reaching his eyes. "I'm not sure how much rest you'll get," he said. "My plans might wear you out."
"I'm not in the mood to party, Juan," I told him, my voice sharper than intended. "Just rest."
"And how long has it been since you've seen Todd?"
The question hung in the air between us, heavy and unspoken. "The day after Christmas," I finally managed. "I've neither seen him nor talked to him. That's what he wanted." I took a deep breath, the air thick with the scent of freshly cut hay from the fields beyond.
"I completely disagree with his decision," Juan said, his voice low but firm. "And I'm not sure I agree with your decision to acquiesce to his demands."
"Acquiesce?" I couldn't help but smile despite the ache in my chest. "Mighty fancy word there." I leaned against the porch post beside him. "I was a distraction, maybe even a roadblock. I made a sacrifice for the betterment of society."
"You're delusional," Juan said, but his tone had softened.
The screen door swung open again, this time without a sound. I hadn't heard a car approach. John stepped onto the porch, his arms laden with several paper sacks that crinkled with each movement. I went over and gave him a hug, feeling the tension in his shoulders despite his cheerful demeanor.
"Need help?"
"No. Just a few last minute supplies." John's eyes twinkled mischievously. "I think there's a dildo in there for you since you'll be alone this weekend."
I saw Juan shake his head almost imperceptibly.
"Oh, great news," John continued, setting the groceries down. "I want you to be the first to know." His smile stretched from ear to ear, genuine and bright.
I couldn't help but smile in response. "Spill it."
"Juan and I are getting married this summer. We're going to fly up to Vegas. I need my second best friend to be there. We haven't set the date because we needed to check with your schedule."
I hugged him again, feeling the warmth of his body against mine. "I'm so happy for you. Wait a minute. I'm your second best friend? Who's the first?"
John rolled his eyes at me. "Juan, of course."
"Oh, well, in that case, I'm not offended," I said, stepping back.
"I wish Todd and Gary could be there, too." John's face formed a pout that was both genuine and playful.
"How is Gary?" I asked, moving toward the porch swing and sitting down slowly.
"He and Celeste are having another baby," said Juan, joining me on the swing. "He's about to get his bachelor's in physics and biochemical engineering. He's already been accepted into a master's program. It seems his parents love having him at home with Celeste and little Hector."
"Little Hector? He's got to be seven."
"You've got it, JD. He's as cute as he can be," said John, leaning against the porch railing. "I told them we'd babysit for them, even for an extended time while they were on vacation, but his parents are doing all that. He does love coming out to the farm when we can get our schedules in sync."
"So, you two, and Gary, are graduating this spring. How is it that I have another year?" I shook my head, watching a hawk circle high above the fields.
"Just stupid," said Juan.
"Or lazy," said John.
"Or maybe being a double major with a required semester in Europe takes a little longer."
I took a deep breath, the scent of pine and earth filling my lungs. "I think I agree with stupid. What was I thinking?"
"That you want to learn everything about everything," said Juan, the swing creaking softly beneath us.
I closed my eyes, the gentle motion lulling me into a state between waking and sleeping. I was so excited with my full schedule when I was a freshman. Now, I was just tired. Not being at the same school as Todd had taken its toll. The phone calls had not been enough. Could I even remember what Todd looked like?
"Mr. Bond. You are so exasperating. Open those eyes and keep them open."
The voice was familiar yet distant, like a dream I couldn't quite grasp. "Bond," I mumbled, my eyes still closed. "James Bond."
"Hey, I'm talking to you. The future Todd Bond. Come on, JD. Give me a hug and a kiss."
My eyes snapped open. And there he was, standing before me on the porch, his smile exactly as I remembered it, his eyes crinkling at the corners in that way they always did when he was teasing me. The sunlight caught the golden strands in his brown hair, and for a moment, I couldn't breathe.
"What?" I managed, my voice barely a whisper.
"Surprise," said Juan and John together.
"We decided not to say anything until he got here," John explained, his voice gentle. "Waiting until May to see one another so Todd could concentrate on his studies was not the best decision."
I reached up slowly, as if afraid he might disappear if I moved too quickly. My fingers brushed against his cheek, warm, real, solid. Then I grabbed him, pulling him close, burying my face in his shoulder as he wrapped his arms around me. When he kissed me, it was like coming home after a long journey.
"Oh, JD. Let's go with Juan and John and do a double wedding."
I pulled back. "Your dad would shit a brick if we eloped," I said against his neck.
"We won't tell him," said Todd, his breath warm against my skin.
"He and my dad already have the venue picked out as well as the DJ," I added, pulling back slightly to look at him. "They told me all about it last week. They're driving me crazy."
"And that's my job," said Todd, his thumb tracing circles on my cheek.
"You do it quite well. No elopement. But you can practice on the wedding night activities if you want."
Todd's face grew red, the blush spreading from his cheeks to the tips of his ears.
"You're so cute when your ears do that," said John from somewhere behind me.
I put my lips next to Todd's ear, my voice barely audible. "Let's make sure my ring still fits you."
It did. And it still does.
-END-
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