I hadn’t gone home for Easter. Instead I had utilised my time to concentrate on my thesis alone and in silence. I had completed my work and was now having a rest for a couple of weeks before I started work on being able to defend my thesis in the now fast approaching viva voce.
I had even assisted in some of Prof De Silva’s Lectures. Some, I just worked the slide machine and other equipment used in her lectures, in others I gave mini lectures in various subjects regarding early 20th century history. I'd even helped other professors a couple of times. According to Prof De Silva it all helps towards my final Doctorate. All this meant I was feeling frazzled. That’s why I was taking time out.
Mel and Sam had both gone home for Easter. I was alone relaxing and listening to music. When I was growing up, I was surrounded by different types of music. Mum listened to the 50s crooners like Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Nat King Cole and others. Father and my Uncle liked Rock from the 60s and 70s. My sisters liked any pop from the 70s and 80s so I grew up liking literally anything, even classical.
It has also given me time to think. I realized I quite liked being alone. I would like a relationship but it wasn’t the end of the world if it didn’t happen. Staying single gives me the freedom to do what I want when I want. I had enjoyed writing and researching my thesis, getting my facts in the right order and finally putting down my thoughts and opinions in a way that makes it relevant to the modern world. And I realized I would like to write more. Would it be a hobby alongside a different career? Or did I have a future as a novelist? I knew I would never make a fortune writing. But writing alongside being a lecturer in history was somehow appealing to me.
I had enjoyed helping Prof de Silva, she was a taskmaster, but that made me more determined to get things right, for myself as well as her. And spending more time in the classroom or lecture hall made me realize that being able to use the knowledge I had gained as a student and then using that knowledge in being a mentor for the history teachers and researchers of the future. And then using my free time to travel Europe, learning about the people, places and events that made history in the time I was interested in the most. So much had happened in that time to shape today's world. I wanted to study it, learn about it and then document it in a way that made it more relevant. After all, history, I decided, was a way of understanding the past, to make the future better, by learning from the mistakes of history. Other periods of history interested me and I would learn more about them and possibly use them in the future. But it's the early 20th century that interests me most.
I had thought about Sam as well. Since that kiss there had been no more interaction between us, apart from the usual. I was slightly put out, I wasn’t angry as such, but I realized that Sam had used his sexuality to get himself out of a sticky situation, he had used my attraction to him against me, I had tried to hide my attraction to him but I couldn’t escape it, there was only so much I could do, I had I realized, been played for a fool. I was more angry with myself than Sam.
Currently I was listening to Lynard Skynards self titled first album on cd. I had been lying on my bed, eyes closed letting the music flow over me. Track after track wafted over me. This seminal work of classic 70s rock. From the first track to the last, everyone is a classic. My personal favourite, Tuesday’s gone. A slow track of epic proportions. Showcasing a dynamic guitar arrangement that evolves and changes through the whole 7 minutes. And the last track freebird, a rock classic in its own right with its legendary guitar solo.
I couldn’t resist the urge to rock out to the solo. I jumped off my bed and played my air guitar, pretending to play the notes with the precision of Allen Collins. Rocking out to the immense solo. I wasn’t bothered, I was on my own, who would find out? I stood in the middle of my room, forgetting my usual reserved nature I rocked out to Freebird, head bobbing up and down fingers playing precise notes and sliding up and down the fretboard, with the music so loud I never heard the front door.
I didn’t hear my bedroom door open, I was too busy rocking out, eyes closed, letting the music take me to a world where I wasn’t an introverted history PhD student, but the lead guitarist in a world famous rock band, touring the world playing a different city every night.
As the music ended and ebbed away to silence it was replaced by a round of applause. I spun round to see Sam leaning on the doorframe to my room, the door ajar, he was clapping, an amused grin on his face. I was mortified, I assumed that at that moment my face was so red and hot Sam could have fried an egg on it.
“Well, well”. Said Sam. “You do like to enjoy yourself after all, and here was me thinking that you were just a boring history student. I never knew you liked to rock out. What else have you hidden from your housemates”?
“I….I….I didn’t know you were coming home today. I thought you were coming home tomorrow?”
“I came home early and I’m glad I did. I would never have seen you so embarrassed. This is priceless”. Sam laughed and put his hands on his hips. “ I will never forget this moment as long as I live. This is hilarious.”
Embarrassment washed over me. I felt as if I was blushing from head to foot. How Could I have been caught out like this? One thing is for sure, as I looked at Sam, I needed to deal with this situation and not over think it.
“You won’t tell anyone will you. I mean nobody else needs to know, do they?” I rubbed my eyes. “Oh fuck this is so embarrassing”.
Sam approached me. A seductive look fell over his face. He stopped mere inches from my face. He put his hand on my cheek.
“Oh I won’t say anything. But there’s one thing we both want. Mel doesn’t come home for another 24 hours. We have the house to ourselves. There is a sure way of me staying quiet about your embarrassment.”
He stepped away from me and looked around my room. “ You know this is a very nice room. You’re lucky you know. I could quite happily sleep in here.”
“If you want to swap rooms I would be agreeable if that’s what it takes. But I’m not happy about blackmail.”
“Andy, blackmail is such an ugly word. It isn’t your room I want. Well not really. I do want your room. But I want you in it at the same time.”
“You mean you want me?”
Sam approached me again and looked at me, his lips parted, he ran his tongue over his lips. I was transfixed. He really was a good looking young man.
“Andy, you do yourself an injustice. You're intelligent and good looking in a nerdy sort of way. What’s not to like? You’re intense and have a future. Sometimes a boy gets fed up with playing the field, and would like something more solid. I’ve been racking my brain about how to approach the unapproachable. And this is the perfect moment.”
My nerves got the better of me and I tried to step away, to make distance between us. He wanted me. I supposed I wanted him. What’s not to like about this situation? Ok so Sam was turning an embarrassing moment to his advantage again. But I needed time to think. Was he asking for a relationship? But we didn’t really know each other. Before I could voice my concerns he clasped my shoulders and spoke again.
“Andy, look, we're 2 grown men, I live for fun, I know what you're thinking, we don’t know each other. The matrix is showing at the virgin cinema, let’s grab something to eat, go watch a film and then come back here too, well you know.”
“You mean like a date sort of thing?”
“Well I know you’re a stickler for doing things right, so yeah, let’s call it a date.”
Our lips met, my hands stayed by my side, I was unsure of where to place them so I didn’t move them, Sam though clasped the side of my face and pulled me kissing me hard, his tongue finding my now open mouth, I followed his lead, even though I was 29, I didn’t have much experience, the last experience was at Warwick, after a boozy night when I was a young conservative, even then I didn’t go the whole way. All I remember was trading blowjobs and waking up feeling sick and with a nasty headache.
We pulled apart. Looked at each other, both slightly embarrassed, cheeks and lips flushed.
“Till later Andy. Be ready at 6.30”. Sam kissed me on my cheek and left my room.
We ate at the Old Pump House. It’s a large building that once housed a pumping station. When the Manchester ship canal and docks closed in the early 1980s. Salford council bought the site and won a grant to redevelop the site. A brewery bought the old pumping station and turned it into a pub and restaurant.
Sam and I sat in a window seat. It was a Sunday evening and wasn’t particularly busy. It overlooked Clippers Quay. A dock were the old tea clippers used to dock to unload their cargo after they had traversed the Manchester ship canal. On the other side of the dock. The Lowry Center is being built.
Lawrence Stephen Lowry. Was born in Stretford in 1887. His unique painting style has become world famous with his paintings fetching huge amounts of money. He died in 1976. Most of his paintings were of industrial districts in greater Manchester And north-west England and is one of the favourite sons of Manchester. The Lowry center that is under construction, will house 2 theatres and an art gallery that will be devoted to a permanent collection of the works of Lowry. And is set to open next year.
We had eaten in relative silence. The only conversation was about Sam’s upcoming finals and my viva voce. Sam was wearing blue Levi 501s with Adidas trainers, a bold blue and black checkered shirt and his favourite green parka coat, at the moment slung carelessly on the seat next to him. I was dressed in black Levi 505 jeans, black shoes, a plain white t-shirt and a black denim Jacket.
We walked side by side to the cinema, the stars obscured by the thick blanket of cloud that had hung over the country for the last few weeks, even so, it had been warm during daylight hours though the temperature dropped off at night.
“Looking forward to the film, Andy?” Asked Sam as we walked. Keanu Reeves is so fine.”
“I can’t remember the last time I went to the pictures, mum used to take us when we were kids, but I can’t remember what we went to see, so I suppose it didn’t have much impact on me as a child.”
“I guess it took away from your books, were you always a bookworm?”
“Looking back I suppose I was, you must understand that where I grew up there wasn’t much to do. Dad was always busy on the farm as was my uncle. Mum was busy with the house work or baking and cooking meals. Isabelle and Rach, my two older sisters, were both doing their own thing. Everyone seemed too busy to have time for their quiet son, nephew and brother. So I spent my time in my books or playing with my toys. But it was always the books that interested me most. Tales of adventure, fantasy worlds of magic, dragons, elves, Dwarves and Trolls. Historical stories of long dead heroes. Of daring do and kings and queens. Then as I got older I found music.”
“I was lucky.” Replied Sam. “I live in Sutton, Surrey. My Dad works for a City Bank, my Mum is a stay at home mum. My older Brother, Shane got a media degree from Birmingham university and now works for the BBC, doing god knows what. I had a small group of friends and were a close knit group. I wasn’t the gregarious type you see now, like you I was quiet, Shane was the boisterous one, my parents supported me, knowing I was quiet and a bit shy. I always knew I was different. When I was a teen my friends were getting girlfriends. I realized I wasn’t interested in girls. So I did some research, reading from books read in the local library. That and watching the telly, eventually made me realize I was, am gay”.
“I came out to my parents when I was 18, that was in 1995. I was a shy, skinny kid, with a hangup about being gay, I suppose that was why I came to Manchester, for the gay scene. That and I was a long way away from my parents. Don’t get me wrong mum and dad were always supportive, but I needed to find my own way. And of course the university is one of the top ones, the mathematics and accounting course seemed, and is the perfect fit for me. It was soon after I Came here that I met Matt. He encouraged me to join a gym, I started to feel better about myself, being with Matt, made me feel like I was someone. People would stare at us, at me. Eventually I needed Matt less and less and found my own inner strength, and I blossomed into the stud I am today, so you see I’m not much different than you.”
I had listened to Sam, in silence, letting him speak and was glad he hadn’t mentioned some of the more sordid details of his and Matt's relationship. I hadn’t realized that he wasn’t the person I thought he was. I had always thought he was overly loud, camp and quite arrogant. I now knew he had been as quiet as me. And that he had blossomed into a completely different person. I looked at him sideways.
“That’s quite a transformation, Sam, in mind as well as body. I always thought you were a confident, out, modern student. I never knew that underneath you're actually quite sensitive. That’s why you come across like you do, because you're sensitive to what others think of you.”
By now we were standing outside the cinema. Sam looked at me. “So you’re a therapist now eh, Andy?”
“Oh er no, it’s just, er, it’s just that I thought I knew you. But I didn’t. I didn’t mean to get personal.”
“Andy you think you know me, but the thing is, I really want to get to know you, like really know you.”
I stood transfixed as Sam walked away from me, then he turned and looked at me with a small smile traced on his lips.
“Well come on you can’t watch the film from out there.”
I followed Sam into the Cinema, for some unknown reason with a slight feeling of trepidation. The foyer floor was dark blue linoleum with grey tiles on the booking office and snack outlets. The walls were the same dark blue as the floor doors led off to the various screens. Sam had purchased the tickets and had instructed me to buy snacks. Sam stood and watched as I bought snacks that I thought he would like.
Eventually Sam and I found the screen showing The Matrix. The auditorium was a large open space set out in the usual fashion, the seats were purple and the walls dark. I wasn’t quite sure what to expect, I knew Sam had chosen the film because he thought Keanu Reeves was hot, I was quite happy to go with the flow, not really being a cinema goer.
The lights dimmed, I shared the snacks between us, which seemed to me part of the cinema goers experience. And settled down to watch the film Sam had chosen, the ads had finished and the opening credits rolled. At some point Sam grabbed my hand and didn’t let go, we glanced at each other, smiled and watched the film.
The only sound was the crackle of crisp packets and sweet wrappers as we watched the action unfold before us. Sam glanced at me, his hand touched my knee, I flinched slightly. I glanced at him but said nothing. His hand moved ever so slowly up my inner thigh, I glanced at him again but his eyes were on the film, seemingly engrossed in the action. It made me feel even more tense, Sam wasn’t helping.
I couldn’t concentrate on the film, all I could concentrate on was Sam’s hand and it’s final destination. His hand was nearing its goal, I slapped his hand and lifted it off me. He looked sideways at me, I looked at him, we smiled at each other, then Sam laughed and I laughed with him. It was a genuine, mirthful laugh, the tension left me, we watched the rest of the film in happy silence.
The night air was chilly as we left the cinema. Both of us, chatting happily about the action that had unfolded between us. Sam put his arm around my shoulder.
“ Are you coming back to mine?”
“I think I might be heading in that direction, so yes I think I will.”
“In that case let me get a taxi.”
When we arrived back at Laburnum st, we paid the taxi driver and I unlocked the front door, I gestured for Sam to enter, he did and I followed. The smile faded from my lips as I had the sudden realization of knowing what was going to happen next. Sam turned to look at me with a look of lustful anticipation on his face, his arms snaked their way around my waist and pulled me into a passionate kiss. I responded in kind.
“Let’s take this upstairs.” Sam whispered into my ear, taking hold of my hand and switching lights on as he went, to where my bedroom awaited.
I closed the door behind me. Sam, who had entered the room before me, turned and looked at me. I stopped and looked back at him, caught like a deer in headlights.
“Come closer”. Sam said. quietly I obeyed.
Whilst I had been slowly walking towards him he had taken off his coat and shirt, I stopped a hair's breadth from him, I could smell his aftershave. I took in his beauty, his handsome face, his gym worked body, he was beautiful. I told him so.
“Let me get a better look at you”.
Sam took off my glasses and placed them on my bedside table, I slid off my denim jacket. He slowly pulled off my t-shirt, I lifted my arms to aid him. I felt very self conscious, I blushed, my shyness overwhelming me, trying to hide my body with my arms. I fought it back, mentally beating it down. I wanted this, I wanted Sam. Or at least I thought I did. I withdrew my arms, placing them by my side.
Sam kissed me again, undoing the flies of my jeans, I nervously undid his flies, my shaking, clammy hands making it more difficult. I finally succeeded in undoing them, Sam’s jeans fell to the floor, as did mine, we never broke the kiss.
We kicked off our trainers and jeans and fell onto the bed, all the time kissing and exploring each other’s bodies. I was still self conscious of how I looked but somehow it didn’t matter anymore.
We held each other's hardness in our hands, to me his girth and size was mesmerising, I found myself thinking, how that going to fit in there, it will definitely hurt. I didn’t know what he thought of mine. We moaned through the kisses as we stimulated each other.
I watched mesmerised as Sam reached into his jeans and pulled out a condom, then slowly rolled it onto himself, all the time smiling seductively at me.
“Turn onto your stomach”. Sam whispered in my ear. I complied. This is it. It’s time, no going back now. I thought to myself. I felt his tongue in a place I thought a tongue shouldn’t be. His fingers prising my cheeks apart. A spark seemed to go through me as he licked, I shivered and moaned into the cushion, this spurred Sam on, he dove into me like a man starved of food. He stopped momentarily and I found out later, reached for some lube he had in his jeans pocket. Always be prepared, he told me the following day.
His finger went inside me. Moving in and out, occasionally adding a bit more lube. I groaned into the cushion as he added another finger. After what seemed like an age, he added a third finger. I groaned out loud, Sam shushed me, kissing my cheek. It was the first words Sam had uttered for quite some time. He loosened me up, taking his time in preparing me. Finally it was time, but no matter how long he prepared me, he was still bigger.
He put a cushion under my hips, raising them slightly. Then he mounted me, his two arms parallel with my shoulders, I reached back, and guided him in, slowly he pushed into me.
“Push out Andy”. I did so. But it still hurt as he pushed slowly into me. I swore, pain running through me.
“Relax, you’re too tense”. I said nothing, but tried anyway. It was difficult when Sam was trying to insert his large size into my small, virgin entrance.
Ever so slowly Sam persisted, grunting with effort. Me moaning in pain, perspiration covered us both. Finally and with great effort he succeeded in his goal, he was inside me. Momentarily he paused. It was a feeling I hadn’t felt before, it was a strange feeling. It felt foreign, unfamiliar and uncomfortable. Then he started to move.
It felt strange, having someone inside me for the 1st time, let alone Sam. But no matter how I tried I couldn’t relax. The feel of Sam as he thrust in and out, the grunting noises he made, it felt to me, like I was being violated, like it was unwanted, how had I got into this mess, I wasn’t turned on. I wanted it to stop.
“Sam.” I muttered. “Wait, stop.” The thrusting slowed but didn’t stop.
“Why Andy? Not having fun? Don’t stop me now I’m close, so close.”
I didn’t know what to say, so I said nothing, the thrusting continued. The groans started up again. The thrusting increased in tempo, the groans increased in volume. A long guttural groan escaped Sam’s lips, I felt the condom balloon in size as he emptied his seed into it. That was it it was all over.
Sam rolled off me, pulling off the condom he tied a knot in it and tossed it into my waste paper basket, an action I found quite nauseating but I said nothing, Sam was the first to speak.
“You haven’t cum Andy”, he moved to take me into his mouth. I stopped him.
“No, don’t, I’m not in the mood”
“Why was it not fun?”
I wasn’t sure what to say, what can one say in a moment like this, you’ve just had sex with a beautiful young man, but found the whole experience so un enjoyable and maybe unpleasant?
“No, it’s not that I didn’t enjoy myself as such.” I stopped, thinking of a way to carry on the conversation. Sam looked sideways at me, an expectant look on his face. Finally I found the right words, so I continued.
“It’s just that it was so sore, I couldn’t relax into it. Now, well I just want to shower and sleep. I'm back at uni tomorrow and have an important meeting with professor de Silva.”
“Oh Andy, well it was your first time.” Sam replied after a moment's silence, he continued. “It will get better with practice.”
“You mean we're doing it again?”
“Of course, that’s if you want to that is, like I said, I want something more solid in my life, you’re the sort of person I can go steady with, be a couple together, do couple things like walk hand in hand through a park on a Sunday morning, then have coffee and brunch. Do house work together, you know the sort of thing.”
I was lost for words, I thought Sam would be angry with me, not ask me for a relationship.
“I’m not sure what to say Sam, I want a relationship at some point in my life, I’ve so much to think about, there’s my viva voce, then I need to find a career, somewhere to live.”
Sam stopped me with a kiss. “You think too much, let life flow Andy, it will all fit together like the pieces in a puzzle.” Sam kissed me again and rose from the bed, “think about what I said, I want a man to calm me down, my uni life is ending too, it’s time to settle down with a good career and a steady love life, hopefully with you, Andy.”
Sam walked out of my room, his ability to leave me standing after saying something profound never ceased to amaze me. I heard the bathroom door shut, and the water running.
I led there, thinking about what Sam had said about wanting a relationship, was I ready? I had always been something of a loner, I wanted a relationship eventually, but with Sam? The same Sam who played the field every Saturday, surely not. I heard the water shut off, and the bathroom door close. I stood, gathered my shower bag, donned my dressing gown and picked up the used condom up from the waste paper basket. I held it at arm's length between my fore finger and thumb. And went to shower.
End of chapter 6.
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