I feel sick. The flashing coloured strobe lights weren’t helping either. I was standing on a balcony, leaning on a rail that surrounds the dance floor of the famous night club Manto. It has always been a popular place, but now it had featured on the tv drama Queer as folk, it had turned into one of the most popular gay clubs in the country and definitely the most popular gay club in the gay quarter of Manchester.
I had a bottle of water in my hand and was sipping it slowly watching the heaving mass of bodies gyrating on the dance floor below me, my eyes glued to three men, one of whom is Sam. Dancing to the noise that is an excuse for music. It definitely wasn’t my choice of listening. I had followed Sam to the club about an hour before, after queuing for what seemed like forever to get into the place, I then had to queue for ages at the bar, I had finally managed to get some drinks for us both. I then turned and gave Sam his chosen drink. He leaned into me and shouted into my ear.
“Let’s dance”.
He tried to drag me onto the dance floor but I refused. He gave me a heated look then flounced away hips swaying in the direction of the dance floor. I wandered around for a bit. And eventually found some stairs. I climbed them. Now, here, I am leaning on the rail watching a shirtless Sam, dancing erotically, writhing and gyrating with two men, sweat dripping off his torso, making rivulets in every crevice of his expertly toned body. Music pounding, lights flashing and bodies writhing in a mass of sexual heat. But I couldn’t tear my eyes off Sam.
Yes I felt sick, but not through the amount of alcohol, but through jealousy, sheer blind jealousy, but I refused to let those thoughts take root. Ok, I had been stupid to refuse to dance with Sam, but in spite of all the alcohol I had consumed, my nerves had well and truly gone, so I had refused. Now I stand here and watch Sam as he dances and gyrates with two handsome strangers. I have to admire his bottle. The sheer, almost arrogant confidence he has in himself.
I lean on the rail looking down, then Sam looked up at me and caught my eye, he winked at me, taking a swig of his drink and turned back to the two men he was dancing with,he pulled one of them in and kissed him hard, I can see his tongue enter the strangers mouth. The other responded in kind, clasping Sam by his face to pull him in, and even from this distance. I can see, almost feel the lust emanating from the two men, Sam pulls off him, and turns the others head and pulls him in for a searing kiss as well, while the first kissed Sam on the neck. All moving and gyrating at the same time. It’s all for show of course, he knows I’m watching them, because he keeps glancing up at me, he knows my eyes are glued to them, it’s almost impossible to turn away, even though I wanted to, like a deer caught in headlights. I know I shouldn’t. But it’s all so damn erotic.
Ok, the two strangers are older than him, mid 30s by the look of them and partners at that, their shortcut, dyed blond hair making them stand out. I’m not sure how I know that their partners, maybe it’s how they interact with each other, like Sam they are shirtless, both dripping in sweat, gyrating and writhing in the heat of the crowded nightclub, both are just wearing shorts. Tight denim cutoffs, and boots, showing off their gym perfected bodies and dusting of trimmed body hair, leaving absolutely nothing to the imagination. Their bodies writhing against Sam, their erections showing, even from this distance. I know Sam is in for a long night. Oh yes, I’m insanely jealous. Why didn’t I just follow Sam onto the dance floor instead of being such a wimp?
They writhe even more, the two strangers kissed and fondled every part of Sam. Pushed and pulled him in every direction, and by the look on Sam’s face, he loved every single moment. While the two men were playing with Sam he took a moment to glance up in my direction again, he smiled up at me then turned all his attention on the two men he’s dancing with, almost having public sex with them. I don't blame him for one moment. Yes, I’m insanely jealous. But of the two men, Sam or all three, I’m not sure. I find it all too much and finally turn away to face into the room, wishing I was on that dance floor with them. But I’m not and that’s my fault. All the time knowing that if I was in that situation, I’d run a mile, because I’m too chicken. I’m too scared to face sex head on. Sex is such a small word but with such a large meaning, why am I so scared of it? Is this what it feels like to be cuckolded?
But my godforsaken insecurities won’t let me anywhere near the dance floor. I would sooner escape the place altogether. Going home to the sanctuary that is my room. To my studies, my books and my cds. But I don’t, I refuse to leave, I came with Sam and here I will wait, until Sam tells me that he wants to leave. I know for certain that it won’t be with me, will he even come and look for me? He will leave with those two men he’s currently engaged with on the dance floor. I won’t be with Mel either. She went with Molly ages ago. Now, that, I feel really bad about. Unknown to me Molly was her former dom. Sam knew this and my ignorance of the facts led me to believe it was just banter between us all. And no thanks to us, Molly dragged Mel away to god only knows what. It makes me shudder to think what she’s going through at this moment. Willingly or not.
I take another pull from my bottle of water and rub my forehead, this loud music and all these strobe lights are giving me a headache. I close my eyes momentarily. Only to open them and find myself staring at a gray beard, I lift my head and stare into a pair of intense gray eyes. He’s silent just standing there, clad head to foot in black leather, looking at me. I’m 6ft 1. He’s taller, he must be 6.4.
“Hi Andrew, fancy meeting you here. Want me to get you a new bottle ?”
I’m flustered. I don’t know what to say. Sam and Mel aren't here, they can’t help me. But they’d probably only laugh if they were. So I’m on my own, with a leather clad maniac staring at me. I feel small, totally inadequate, staring into his intense gray eyes, I blink.
“I-I -I”. I try to speak, but my words are stuck in my throat, I can’t speak, I’m so fucking scared.
“Shhh, Andrew, it’s ok”.He says in a smooth, deep voice. Not approaching any further. “Do I scare you? It's ok to nod your head if you're so nervous. I don’t mean to scare you”.
I nod my head in reply, saying nothing, he looks at me hands on hips and head to one side.
“I’m sorry”. He says again, not touching me, he lifts his arms in a placating gesture, and backs away slightly. I’m sorry, I make you so nervous, I mean no harm, I will turn and walk away, ok?”
He turns and starts to walk away. For some unknown reason I hear myself shout.
“Wait”.
He stops and turns his head. Looking at me. Saying nothing, standing there waiting, waiting for me to make the next move, to speak. But I don’t know what to say, I start to shake, I feel tears welling in my eyes, I just want to go home.
“I-I-I’m s-s-sorry, I'm scared, you scare me, I’m s-sorry. I want to g-go home”.
He must think I’m such a wimp.
“Shh, it’s ok”. He approached me slowly, arms by his sides, he closed in on me, he opened his arms, and envelops me in a hug. He whispers in my ear. “Shh, it's ok let’s get you out of here”.
“Sam".I whimpered, sniffing, and pointing down on the dance floor. He looks down at the dance floor to where I’m pointing, he smiles.
“Looks like Samuel’s doing just fine”, he tells me, let’s get you out of here. He takes me by the hand as I leave my bottle of water behind.
People stare at me, with tears in my eyes, being led away by the hand. By an older man clad in leather. A stranger approaches us, but a look from Sir Mathew makes him back away. We walk down the stairs and across the floor.
I find myself outside. Shivering in the cold, walking down a quiet street at 1am with a Leather clad stranger, His leather gloved hand in mine. We walk into an all night cafe, its warming light and open door welcoming us over the threshold.
We sit at a table with a yellow plastic washable table cover with cups of tea and biscuits on a small plate not speaking. The silence and bright fluorescent light makes a marked difference from the noisy nightclub and the dark outside. I stare into the cup, not daring to look at the man facing me.
“Feeling better Andrew?”
“Yes abit, Sir Mathew. Thankyou for getting me out of there. I would have stayed until Sam told me otherwise”. My voice was quiet.
“That’s ok Andrew, I help anyone in need and it’s Matt, to you. Sir Mathew is just a persona, a performance if you like. I’m just an ordinary guy”.
“But all the Leather. You look intimidating. It’s a bit scary, you must think I’m a wimp”.
“I wear leather because I enjoy it, it’s a fetish. I'm a natural dominant, I feel like I have to have control of any given situation. To keep friends safe,That’s what I’m like. I wanted to help you feel safe. So that’s what I did, and you're no wimp”.
“Thankyou”. I look down at the table not wanting to make eye contact with him.
“Look at me Andrew”. His voice brooks no nonsense so I look up at him.
“That’s better. Now what got you so scared eh, am I so scary?”. He sips his tea, looking at me over the rim of his cup, waiting for a reply.
“N-no, but my friends weren’t with me. I was on my own, I looked up and saw you looking at me. And I got scared. All these nasty thoughts went through my head. That you were going to kidnap me and take me somewhere and tie me up and things, I thought you were a maniac”.
Matt threw his head back and gave out a laugh, took off his gloves, and put them on the table while I watched him.
“See these hands? Their flesh and blood, I’m an ordinary man with an ordinary job. Living an ordinary life. On Some nights. I dress in my leather gear to escape the drudgery of my ordinary, boring life. I change from Matt to Sir Mathew, my dominant personality and alter ego. Sometimes I get lucky and get to take someone home who wants to be taken care of. I would never do anything that puts anyone that comes home with me in danger. There’s limits to what can happen, everything we do is agreed beforehand with safewords in place. If my sub says his safe word the scenario stops immediately. I’m not a sadist, I’m a dominant, there’s a difference”. But most weeks I go home alone, take off my leather, put it back into the wardrobe. And turn back into Matt the ordinary guy”.
“I never meant to scare you out of your wits. That’s not what I’m like. Some guys get off on that sort of thing, that’s not me. I just want to make my sub feel wanted, loved and appreciated. I apologize for scaring you”.
“That’s the third time you’ve said sorry, It's ok. I’m not comfortable in public situations. I’m not used to clubbing, or going out in general, I’m happier at home with my research, books and cds, seeing you in all that leather gear freaked me out”.
“Well I’m not going to take off anymore, to reassure you”, Matt said with a smile,I smiled back at him blushing slightly.
We chatted for a time about our taste In music and my PhD talking, about them cheered me up, then Matt steered the conversation back to our original topic when I felt better.
“That’s better, you have a nice smile, you should smile more, but how come you became so upset?”
“Thankyou, that’s a nice thing to say, but my father is a taciturn fellow, I guess I take after him, so I can’t help the way I am, I had been watching Sam on the dance floor. He’d asked me to dance but I refused. I suppose my nerves got the best of me. When I reached the balcony he was cavorting with those two guys, I couldn’t turn away, I was transfixed. No matter how much I wanted to turn away, I couldn’t. He saw me and cavorted even more, not taking his eyes off me. I finally turned away. And closed my eyes momentarily because I felt a headache coming on. When I opened them you were standing there, I freaked out not knowing what to do. I’m not used to going out. You see, my housemates think I’m boring so they persuaded me to go out with them tonight, well it was Sam mainly. Anyway Mel had left earlier with Her old Dom, Molly. And Sam was with those two men, I saw you, I was alone and scared, I’m sorry I spoiled your night”.
“You didn’t spoil my night, it was going down the pan anyway, if anything you saved it. You turned my night from a boring one, into a night to remember, me coming to the rescue of a lonely and depressed young man who was lost in a place he wasn’t sure of and felt incredibly insecure. But all that isn't your fault. It's the fault of Samual, he should have stayed by your side, at least until you were comfortable in your surroundings. There was nothing stopping him from dancing with other guys after he knew you were comfortable and safe, he left you alone, thinking too much about his own selfish needs. All because you didn’t want to dance with him. Then compounded your feelings by showing himself off by dancing and virtually having sex on the dance floor, in front of you”.
“I know all this because I’m a natural dom. Part of my lifestyle choice is to take charge of others' needs, to show people I’m confident in difficult situations. If that had been me, your needs would have come over mine, it’s only when I’m alone with a sub he pays me back back in bed, again by letting me be dominant. I would build your confidence by being by your side in any public area, encouraging you to be the best person you could, by my sheer dominance in any situation, by taking charge”.
“Is that what you want? To take charge of me. For me to be your submissive. To change me by using your dominance, into a more confident person. With all due respect, Matt, that sounds a little arrogant to me”.
To my ears I sounded confident in what I’d just said. But in reality my stomach was turning somersaults. I was nervous, I held myself together by grasping the cup of tea so tightly in my hand my knuckle was white. Matt looked at me with a slightly bemused look on his face, was silent for a moment, then said.
“Andrew, I would never do anything to anyone against their wishes. I’m dominant by nature, you're quiet by nature, that In some cases would make you a natural submissive, that in turn would draw us to each other like moths to a flame. But you're different, you're stronger than you make yourself out to be. Ok, I could take you and mold you into a better version of yourself, that isn’t arrogance Andrew, that is the simple truth. A truth I know because of years of experience, years of being dominant. Samual is the living proof of that”.
I looked at him startled, he carried on.
“I first met Sam in his first year of university. When he first came to Manchester he was a good looking but skinny young man in a strange city, like yourself quiet, he was an unassuming but engaging young man. I met him on a Saturday night, in that very club, I was drawn to him, I introduced myself, I was wearing my leathers, we chatted, I knew by the way he was looking at me he was drawn to me, to put it another way I turned him on. I took him home, and gave him a night he wouldn’t forget, he was a natural sub, I encouraged him go go to the gym, he then later became my submissive, I helped him realize the beauty in himself, I took him to fetish nights as my sub, wearing my collar, kneeling at my feet, he loved it, slowly he came out of his shell. After six months or so he needed me less and less, we grew apart as he became more confident in how he looked, and more comfortable in his own skin”.
“When we first met he would never of dressed semi naked and cavorted on the dance floor like he did tonight, him being my submissive and working out gave him the chance to be himself, he realized it on his own, my dominance of him, wanting him to wear whatever I wanted of him to, within the bounds of taste and with his agreement of course, he came out of his shell, and blossomed into the the beautiful, confident young man he is today. I’m not bragging, I’m telling you how it is, how it could be”.
“I’m sorry Matt, I will never be anyone’s sub. I’ve no interest in receiving pleasure through pain, although I find you somewhat engaging. You look very intimidating, though somewhat enticing in your leathers, that by the way must've cost a small fortune. I’m sorry if I offend you, but I am a quiet man by nature, but I know my own mind, I don’t need anyone to make up my mind for me”.
Again I sounded more confident than I felt, sweat beaded my brow and I was feeling nervous. But I had absolutely no intention of going home with him, or being his, or anyone else’s submissive.
“I would never cause you pain, nor have you offended me, you have made your mind up and I respect that. Like I said you’re a stronger person than you think you are, once you’ve made up your mind that’s it, there’s no going back. I like you Andrew, you’re quiet and introspective, but strong willed, you're intelligent and good looking. And I would be happy to call you my friend, if you want to, that is”.
I needed to think about accepting his friendship, he seemed like a nice man, though very sure of himself. Sam had said that when you got to know him he was a kind and sensitive man, I wasn’t so sure, and I wasn’t sure if I wanted him as a friend. His idea that he could make me more confident in myself by using his dominant nature, to me seemed off. I can never see myself sitting at his feet at a fetish night wearing god knows how little, the very idea to me is abhorrent. I would have him as a friend nothing more and definitely not as my Dom.
“I’m not into the bdsm scene, I must apologize, I will never be your submissive. I don’t make friends easily. I’m too introverted. Even now I feel nervous”. I held out my shaking hands.
“So you're nervous. That’s understandable before tonight we’d never met, you didn’t know I existed, I quite understand you not being my sub, bdsm isn’t for everyone. I would never force you into anything. But never say never.”
I was quiet for a while and our cups were empty. I’d run out of things to say. I looked down at the table. Nights out at a club never ended well for me and I suddenly felt tired, I put my hand over my mouth and yawned, I wasn’t used to being up so late. I looked at the time, 1.45 am. My head throbbed and I rubbed my temple. I was grateful to Matt for getting me out of the nightclub that I was uncomfortable in, but that was as far as it went. In those couple of moments of silence I decided two things, 1, I would never attend a nightclub again, and 2, I would never be anyone’s submissive,or be a part of the bdsm scene. I was my own man and that was how it was going to stay.
End of chapter 3.
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