A thin shaft of light shone through a gap in the curtains as I opened my eyes to a new day. Motes of dust eddied and danced seemingly ethereal in quality as the thin shaft of daylight landed on my desk, illuminating the open notebook and closed laptop resting upon it. Otherwise the room was dark. I wondered what the time was.
On the weekend I get up at about 9am. But during the week it was much earlier. In my tired, almost exhausted state of semi wakefulness I fumbled around for my watch in an effort to find out the time, only to knock my alarm clock onto the floor in the process. I groaned and let my arm drop down the side of my bed. My face hitting the pillow with a gentle thump.
“Oh for fucks sake”. I mumbled into the pillow.
I sat up, stretched and rubbed my eyes groggily, memories of the previous night slowly coming back to me.
I flung the covers back and swung my legs out of bed. I trod on my alarm clock making me swear again. I put my glasses on and reached down to pick it up, realizing that the battery had fallen out. I looked around the floor in an effort to locate it. I easily found the offending battery and cover, put them back in place and found my watch to change the time.
It was then I finally started to consider the previous night’s activities. How Sam had danced with those guys, showing off. I finally realized he was, in Mel’s turn of phrase, getting a rise out of me. It had worked very well indeed.
Mel. Now that brought back a memory I would much rather forget. But that was impossible, how Sam and I had persuaded Molly, her old dom, to take her away for a night's so called fun. I hadn’t known that Molly was her former dom. Sam did, but had done it anyway. Why? Was it to get us alone? Did he hate Mel? No that wasn’t it. Sam and Mel got on, they continually teased each other. He called her a Lesbian bitch and she called him an Amoeba.
We three had gone out together, we should have stuck together. Was it opportunistic? or did Sam have prior knowledge? Had Sam contacted Molly in a hope to get her off our backs. One thing was for certain. Sam’s mood improved dramatically after Mel had gone. In any case I needed to contact Mel to apologize.
But I had no way of contacting her. I didn’t own a mobile phone, Sam had but he almost certainly wouldn’t be here.
Leaving my thoughts of Mel aside, I remembered Matt, the Leather clad dom, I smiled slightly. Underneath all the leather he was a rather sensitive man, ok he had a dominant nature but actually he was quite kind. After we had finished our cups of tea and biscuits in the cafe, he insisted on getting me a taxi, and didn’t leave my side until I was seated in the taxi and it and had pulled away, I wondered who he actually was, what his job was, and whether he was lonely and looking for the one he could call his own, I was intrigued by the tall gray haired older man, he asked me to call him, I promised I would only to realize that I had left his card in Paddy’s Goose and I had no way of contacting him, unless I went back to the pub we first met in.
But as I sat on the bed contemplating all this, I had the realization that, Dominating other men and wearing leather was in his blood, it came naturally to him, that’s why he walked me out of Manto, walked me to the cafe and bought me a cup of tea. Sitting and talking to me. insisting on getting me a taxi, waiting with me and then paying for it as well. It was his way of taking control. Of being the dominant. In my addled and drunken state I wasn’t aware of what was happening, but I am now. Could I be a friend or lover to that sort of person, I wasn’t sure. I was sure he saw me as more than a friend. He saw me as being his sub. I didn’t want that sort of relationship. I had told him I was my own person. The more I thought of it, the more I realized that I didn’t need or want him in my life. Suddenly, I didn’t regret leaving his card in Paddy’s Goose. While I sat there I made another important decision. I would only have a relationship with someone who truly loved me. The bdsm lifestyle was out of the question. It simply isn’t my thing.
The sound of the telephone ringing brought me to my senses. The phone was downstairs in the sitting room, I was still upstairs naked. I quickly grabbed my dressing gown and ran down stairs, jumping the last 3 steps. Dashed into the sitting room and answered the phone.
“Hello”?
I answered breathlessly, holding the receiver to my ear with my shoulder, while wrestling with my dressing gown in order to don it.
“Hi Andrew, it’s your mum, how are you”?
After a moment's pause, whilst I finished putting on my dressing gown, I was finally in a position to speak.
“Oh hi mum”.
“You’re out of breath. Are you ok to speak or are you busy”?
“No it’s alright. I was upstairs I’ve just run down to answer the phone hence my being slightly out of breath. Is everything ok”?
“Yes, everything is fine here. Your Dad’s just had his breakfast. I left him reading the paper. How’s everything going down there? How’s your studying going?”
“Oh you know, I’m very busy, I’m still trying to finish my final thesis. And now professor Brown wants me to help him in a lecture next week that he's giving to some students studying politics. He also said that the quality of my thesis is such that he thinks that it is good enough to be published by Manchester University Press”.
“Wow, that is good news. Is that what you want to do? be a writer. And what’s this about lecturing political students? I thought you were studying History?”
“I haven’t given any thought to being a writer to be honest. I’ve been that busy with my studies. And now I need to write a script as well”.
“But what about this politics thing where does this fit to all this?”
“Oh sorry yeah, as part of their degree, they have to study political history for a semester, as I’m studying the 1906 general election, professor Brown thought it would help in my final PhD to guest in a lecture he’s giving, about what I’m studying, so on top of what I’m doing I now need to prepare a script for a lecture on Wednesday afternoon, so that’s what I will be doing this afternoon”.
There was silence for a moment as mum thought about what she was going to say next. Unlike father, mum had always been somewhat supportive of my decision to go into further education. But unfortunately when father started going on at me for, (in his eyes) wasting my time at university when I could be taking over the farm, Mum stayed quiet, not taking sides. She loved me, as she loved all her children. But she was devoted to her husband.
“That’s a big thing isn’t it. Being asked to give a lecture?”
“I haven’t been asked to give a lecture, just guest in one being given by Professor Brown. But yes you're right it’s a big thing. Professor Brown trusts me that much. I’m nervous but I will go ahead with it and hope I don’t mess it up too much.”
“Oh well I hope it goes well and good luck”.
“Thanks Mum.”
Over the phone I heard a door close and the muttering of two people talking.
“That’s your father. He wants a word”.
I groaned, rubbing my eyes with my free hand. There was silence while the receiver was swapped from parent to another.
A strong voice spoke. “Is that you Andrew?”
“Yes father”. I hadn’t called him dad for years.
“How’s things”?
I repeated what I had told mum to my father.
“So is that what you want to do,be a lecturer”?
“I haven’t really thought about it.”
“What about the farm? I thought that now you’re finishing your studies you would finally come home to take over from your uncle and me”.
My thoughts wondered to my Uncle. He lives in and helps father on the farm. And had done for years since his divorce from his only wife. They had one son, whom I had never met, I didn’t even know his name. His ex wife had won full custody and my uncle never saw his son again. Whether this upset him I never knew. And I never thought to ask. His life is drinking, smoking and working, in that order.
“Father, how many times do I have to tell you? I’m not interested in the farm, never have been, never will be. I’m the 1st person in our family to attend university. And you're unhappy about me not being interested in the farm. That’s all you think about the farm. It’s never about me bettering myself.”
I was starting to lose my temper. I’ve never spoken to my father like that, even though we didn’t get on. I still respected him for the hard working man he is, I assumed Mum had left the room. She usually did when father and me talked about the farm.
“Well your uncle and I aren't getting any younger you know. Don’t you think It's time to come home and take over what’s rightfully yours”.
“Father for the final time. I’m not coming home to take over what, as you say, is rightfully mine.” I was exasperated.
“That's your final decision then?”
Finally it seemed that I was getting through to him.
“Yes Father, it is.” My heart was pounding.
“Well then in that case. You need to know that the Landlord has offered the tenancy to us. But to buy it I will need to sell up to raise the funds to buy it. I just wanted to know in case you wanted your say. Or you wanted to take over. In which case I would keep on renting the farm”.
“Why didn’t you say that in the 1st place? Look Father. The right thing to do is sell up and retire, with what funds you have left, you would be quite comfortable with a roof over your heads in your retirement. I’m not interested in taking over. To be honest I’m not sure what my future is. But farming isn’t it”.
“So you wouldn’t mind us selling up and retiring then?”
“No father. It’s the best thing you could do in my opinion.”
“Just so long as I know. I know you're busy, I will leave you to it.”
“Give my love to mum, bye”.
“I will, bye”.
He hung up. I replaced the receiver. I stood there and realized I had made another decision about my future. That I definitely wasn’t going home after university. Though I still hadn’t decided about a career. Or where I would live. I pondered that fact for a moment before deciding to carry on with my day. Shower, make and eat breakfast then try to write a script for Wednesday's lecture.
The house was quiet. Both Sam and Mel hadn’t come home yet, even so I couldn’t concentrate. The phone call with my father had brought back memories of my childhood. All I ever wanted from him was to be proud of me, proud of me for what I had learned in school that day.
I would tell him what I had learnt during the day. He would give a non committal reply, like “that’s good” or he would ask me, “what good will that do learning that. Schools nowadays fill kids' heads with nonsense. Now feed the calves before you do your homework”. Yes father was old fashioned. The farm came before everything else.
Don’t get me wrong, my father believed in having a good education. But in subjects that aided the day to day running of the farm, like mathematics, science and English. But anything else like my favorite subject History was to him a waste of time. “What good is History to anyone except for Teachers?” Was one of my father's favorite questions. He was single minded, anything he did was done to aid the farm everything else came second including his family. Don’t get me wrong, that isn’t a bad thing, it just didn’t fit in with my way of thinking, especially when I was hiding my sexuality from him. We simply didn’t get on.
I worked in relative silence for quite some time, the only sound was Pink Floyd playing quietly on my sound system. I was trying not to think about anything except for what I was writing. There were absolutely no distractions, no doors slamming, no shouts or loud noises. Nothing to distract me. I worked on, enjoying the quiet, finally engrossed in what I was doing. I decided to keep my part in Professor Brown's lecture simple. Slides of the People I was thinking about would help, so I decided to ask in the library or archives if they had slides of prominent Liberal and Labour MPs from 1906.
My concentration was disturbed by the front door slamming and footsteps climbing the stairs. My bedroom door suddenly burst open, making me jump.
Mel entered and sat on my bed. She looked at me as I switched off my sound system and took off my glasses, then swiveled in my chair to face her wrath.
“Look about last night”. I began.
“Button it Andrew, how could you do that, abandon me with her”.
The vehemence of the way she said it, stunned me.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t know, of course that’s no excuse. I should have stayed silent. If I had known, I wouldn’t have said what I did. You know that Mel, again I’m sorry”.
She stared at me, the anger clear in her eyes. She ran her fingers through her hair. That was something she did when she was angry.
“How could you? Ok I know Sam would do something like that, but you? I never thought you would pull a stunt like that. You don’t want to hang around with us two boring farts. You said”.
“I thought it was just banter, you know teasing. I was joining in on what I thought was just a bit of banter. If I had known the truth I wouldn’t have agreed to what Sam was saying. You know that Mel”.
She sighed. And ran her fingers through her hair again. Seemingly a bit calmer. But her voice was quiet, cold and full of ice.
“It’s unforgivable, what you both did. I moved out of her house for a reason. Don’t join in on a conversation you know little about. For someone who is so intelligent, you can be so dumb at times”.
“Dumb I maybe.” I said,losing some of my patience. “But I’m not a bad person. I made one mistake. A big mistake I grant you. But it wasn’t intentional. I’ve apologized more than once. I don’t know what else I can do, what else I can say, apart from apologizing again. You need to speak to Sam about it after all he’s the one that’s really in the wrong. He knew Molly, I didn’t. Now if you don’t mind, as you can see I’m busy”.
I swiveled my chair around to face my open Laptop and replaced my glasses, done with the discussion and Mel’s anger.
“ So that’s it then, apologize and turn your back on me”.
I slapped my hands on my knees in frustration and spoke to my laptop, not bothering to turn around.
“Look what else can I do. What else can I say? I didn’t know Molly. I should have stayed quiet. I didn’t. I can’t unsay it. I can’t undo what’s been done. I’ve apologized 3 times. You’re angry with us I get that. I don’t blame you. I would be angry in your shoes. But take your anger out on Sam not me”.
I decided not to tell Mel about what happened in Manto. It had nothing to do with her. It was a discussion between Sam and myself, no one else. The room was silent for a short time, Mel spoke again with bitterness in her voice.
“ Andrew, you're just as much to blame as that Amoeba, but I can see you’re busy. I don’t want to waste your precious time. It's more important than me obviously”.
I bristled, rubbed my eyes, quietly swore and slowly stood turning to face her.
“I’ve said all I can, I won’t apologize again, I’m sick of this conversation going round and round in circles.” I said quietly.
She glared at me and left my bedroom slamming the door behind her.I then heard her bedroom door slam. Then tears and loud swearing as Mel vented all her anger and frustration. I felt so bad. I held my glasses in my hand as I rubbed my eyes, swore again and walked out of my room towards the sound of Mel’s crying.
I knocked on Mel’s bedroom door. “Mel, look I’m sorry what was done was wrong on both our accounts, I want to make it up to you somehow”. I said to her door.
I heard footsteps. Then the door opened slowly, she stepped aside. I walked into her untidy room. She looked at me, her eyes red with the tears that were flowing freely down her cheeks.
SLAP. I felt a sharp stinging pain on my cheek. I held my hand against it, rubbing it lightly.
“Ow. I guess I deserved that, I hope you feel better now”.
Instead of speaking Mel suddenly burst into tears, her shoulders hunched as her wracking sobs engulfed her.
“Hey, hey, come on now”. I opened my arms and wrapped myself around her holding her tightly as she sobbed on my shoulder.
We were like that for sometime as she cried herself out. Eventually her sobs subsided. She sat on a chair at her desk, untidy, like the rest of her room. I looked around, absentmindedly rubbing my sore, red cheek, while she gathered her thoughts.
The white walls were covered in posters of her favorite Grunge bands like Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Babes in Toyland, Alice in Chains and Soundgarden, some of these I’d heard of some I hadn’t. Her floorboards were varnished a light brown and a large fluffy green rug on the floor underneath her unmade bed and clothes strewn about the floor, empty cups and plates on her windowsill. A guitar propped in one corner. A wardrobe, desk with her laptop on it, another table with a sound system and CDs placed haphazardly on it and a Black leather office chair took up the rest of the room.
“Feel better now”? I asked, still rubbing my cheek.
“You deserved that you know”.
“Yes I suppose I did. Now how can I make it up to you. By way of an apology”?
“I want a chicken stew”.
“Chicken stew”?
“Yeah, Chicken stew”.
“But I don’t have the chicken for a chicken stew, and besides you’re a vegetarian”.
“Tough. Besides as l keep saying, I’m not strictly a vegetarian, I just don’t eat a lot of meat. You asked how you can make it up to me. This is how you can. I want a chicken Stew. When I was living at home and ill or sad, Mum would always make me a Chicken Stew. So I want a Chicken Stew.”
“I’d best put my coat on then”.
“Yeah you do that, after all it is your turn to cook. Now if you don’t mind I want to soak in the bath”.
I closed the door behind me as I got back from my shopping trip to our local convenience shop. All the ingredients for a Chicken stew in a plastic shopping bag. Loud voices came from upstairs. “Sam’s back”. I muttered to myself. Ignoring it, I walked into the kitchen, placed the shopping bag on the worktop and got out the slow cooker, then went about preparing a chicken stew for our evening meal.
Diced Chicken breast, a tin of Chicken Soup, Carrots, Onion, potatoes, sliced and diced, chicken stock and various seasonings, all dumped into the slow cooker. Lid on, switch on and done. Now back to my room and my script for Wednesday.
As I climbed the stairs the shouting became louder, I walked past Sam’s closed door, that was where the shouting was coming from. Mel’s loud voice and “Amoeba”, was all I heard as I closed my door behind me. I sat at my desk and tried to shut out the loud voices.
The evening meal had been eaten in silence, the tension thick between the 3 of us. Sam it seemed was no worse for wear for last night, apart from squirming in his seat occasionally. I ignored Sam not even looking at him, I glanced at Mel, and asked if she was feeling better, she just grunted in reply.
When all our plates were empty, Mel spoke. “ Can you wash up Andrew Sam’s taking me to the Red Lion, where he’s buying me drinks all night”.
“I am?”Sam asked.
“Yes you are. By the way, that was really nice Andrew. Much better than that, Amoeba’s cooking”. Said Mel pointing at Sam, then she stood and walked out of the kitchen. Before Sam left as well I decided to speak.
“I've got a bone to pick with you Sam”.
Sam groaned. “Oh god, not you as well”.
“Yes, me as well. But not now, when you get in from the Red Lion. Work is more important than what I have to say, knock on my bedroom door when you get in, I will still be up”. I picked up the empty plates and made my way to the sink.
I rubbed my tired eyes and replaced my glasses blinking at the bright laptop screen. I had been so engrossed in my work. A knock at my bedroom door made me jump slightly.
“Yes.”
“It's me, Sam”.
“Come in Sam”. I swiveled around In my chair to see Sam walk into my room and Sit on my bed.
“I don’t care that you went with those 2 guys last night”. I began. Sam opened his mouth to speak. But a gesture from me silenced him, he closed his mouth with a snap.
“You left me on my own in a strange place to fend for myself, not only that but you then cavorted on the dance floor with those 2 guys, leaving me to fend for myself in a strange place. You know how I am in strange places with strangers, I’m not a confident man, you know that. Last night was supposed to be about you helping me to come out of my shell, not about your selfish wants. Your antics made it worse. I’m now worse than ever, I will never step foot into a club again, not with you or anyone else”. I stood and faced him.
“You're a confident, good looking young man. I don’t blame you for what you did. But you should have made sure I was ok first before you went to dance and pull”. My voice, quiet at first, was increasing in volume slowly as my frustration increased.
“And to make matters worse you showed off on the dance floor looking at me, staring at me. I felt so bad, I was so frustrated.”
I didn’t tell him I was jealous. I wanted to be those two men he was cavorting with. That thought silenced me. Sam seemed to read my mind. He smiled.
“You were jealous Andy.” Sam looked puzzled momentarily. Then continued. “If you were jealous of me why didn’t you come onto the dance floor with me, I wanted you to dance with me, the music was awesome, why didn’t you dance with me Andy?”
“Hello, Confidence”. I said sarcastically. I’m not like you, I'm not confident like you, and that music wasn’t awesome, it was awful. No matter how much I wanted to, I simply couldn’t dance, after all, we’re all different”.
Sam stood and slowly approached me. “You were jealous. You wanted me, even from that distance I could see it in your eyes as I danced with Carl and James”. He came closer.
I swallowed nervously as he came closer, his blue eyes seemingly boring into my very soul. “Carl and James?” I asked, my nerves increasing. By now our noses were virtually touching. He was that close. I tried to back away, but bumped into my chair, making me lose my balance momentarily.
“The two guys that fucked me into oblivion last night and again this morning”. His smile was predatory, his blue eyes locked with my more nervous green ones. He ran his tongue around his ruby red lips, almost mocking me with that slightest of movements.
“Sam, don’t.” I said thickly.
“Admit it, you want me. He put his hands around my waist and he moved in for the kill like a lion would with a gazelle. I was transfixed, unable to move like a moment frozen in time, his lips met mine, I responded by opening my mouth and letting him have control. His tongue battled with mine as we kissed, a hot searing kiss that changed my world, my very existence. I melted into his arms. I wrapped my arms around his strong slim athletic frame. “Sam”. I whispered.
As suddenly as the kiss started Sam withdrew and pulled away, a predatory smile on his face.
“Like that Andy? like the way I kiss?”
“Sam”, I whispered pathetically. He brushed my cheek softly with a feather-like touch.
“Goodnight Andy”. He sauntered out of my room, hips swaying and closed the door quietly.
I could feel myself blushing. I touched my lips in a vain hope that I could hold onto what had just happened. Then I realized something else. I was absolutely rock hard.
“Fuck”.
End of Chapter 4.
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