Regret
Narrator: Florian
A greasy, smoky whiff of fish hit my nose and I opened my eyes. Toby, still completely naked, came to sit beside me and placed two opened tins of mackerel on the ground between us.
“Picked these up a few days ago,” he said. “I’m afraid you’ll have to eat with your fingers. We don’t have any cutlery.”
Half-asleep, I sat up, grabbed a tin and scooped a chunk of mackerel into my mouth. Toby took the other and followed suit. I looked at him with a smile.
“You really are full of surprises, aren’t you?”
“Sorry. Forgot I even had them.”
“Yeah, I bet you did.”
We ate our mackerel in silence - a real feast after a whole day of nothing but fruit. When we’d finished, Toby ran a finger along the inside of his tin and licked it clean.
“Finger-licking good,” he said.
“Well, if you’re that keen, you’re welcome to lick mine too,” I replied.
“Seriously?”
“Of course.” I ran a few fingers through the oily remnants in the tin and held them out. “Go on, then.”
“Yes, officer,” he said obediently. On his knees, he crawled over, took my hand, and began to run his tongue over my fingers - slow, attentive, not missing a spot.
Once he’d finished cleaning them, I teasingly dipped my fingers back into the tin and offered them again. Toby repeated the gesture with the same care and focus. I let myself enjoy the soft touch of his tongue, the way he stroked along my knuckles, and the delicious sensation when he took my fingers into his mouth and began to suck on them.
We repeated the ritual until both the tin and my hand were clean.
Without being asked, he picked up his own tin and handed it to me. I shook my head, laughing.
“We’ve got a long walk ahead. If we want to get anywhere today, we’d better get moving. Save that one for later.”
Toby wrapped the tin in a piece of paper and carefully packed it in his backpack as if it were some kind of treasure. Then he began to dress while I studied the map of the mine. Once he’d packed up the rest of our things, he came to stand beside me. I pointed to a spot on the map.
“Is that a supply shaft?”
“Yeah, but too narrow to climb through.”
“Doesn’t matter. If my dad’s doing what I think he is, he’s already looking for us. The radio might be enough to lead him here.”
Toby pulled a face. A reunion with my father was, understandably, not something he was looking forward to.
“Aren’t you worried the Boys might be listening in?” he asked. “Same way we could hear them? Wouldn’t that tell them exactly where we are?”
“We’re using a secure line. No one can intercept it.”
“The City’s systems? Not exactly secure.”
“You think you could do better?”
“Easy.”
“Well, the police have their act together better than most other City services. I think it’s a risk worth taking.”
“If you say so.” He didn’t sound convinced.
I tucked the map into my inside pocket. “Come on. Let’s get going.”
We made our way energetically through the endless tunnels of the old mine. The mood between us was great, and we chatted non-stop. We joked about everything from the pompous architecture of the City to the bureaucracy of the Council and the way so many City dwellers seemed to think they were above anyone from the Outside.
Still, I knew it was wise to steer the conversation to more serious ground. This might be my best - perhaps only - chance to get Toby to open up. His future looked grim, and if I had any hope of helping him, I needed to know more. Even the painful parts I’d rather not touch.
I started with a relatively safe approach. “Sorry I was so rough on you last night.”
“What do you mean?”
“The spanking. I really lost it when you walked that ledge. I was scared out of my mind. I went way too hard on your backside.”
“You don’t have to apologize for that,” he said. “I’ve had worse. I spent eight months with the Holy Boys. They know how to dish it out.”
“Yeah, I’ve heard the stories,” I said slowly, glancing at him. “But the way you reacted when I laid into you like that, I thought maybe...”
“Oh, that.” He looked away. “Nah, that wasn’t the pain. It’s just... no one’s ever done that to me like that before. Look, just don’t worry about it, alright?”
“Alright.” I paused, trying to make sense of his reaction. After a while, I asked, “Why did you run away from home when you were fourteen?”
Toby’s face froze. “What?”
“It’s in your file.”
“Oh… right.” His gaze drifted, just a fraction too long. “Things at home... they just weren’t working anymore.”
“Abuse?”
“No. They never laid a hand on me.”
That meant the court would show no mercy.
“It’s shit you’re headed for prison,” I blurted out. “I want to help you, I really do. But I don’t know how. With your record...”
“Yeah, it’s quite the list now, isn’t it?”
“I’m not excusing what you’ve done, especially not those last eight months. But I can’t help thinking... for someone from the Outside, things just aren’t the same. You never had the same chances a City kid would.”
“You mean, if you’re from the Outside, you can get stuffed. Prosperity and happiness are for the chosen few - the fine folk of the City.”
I couldn’t help feeling a flicker of irritation at his tone. I’d never done well with people who wore their victimhood like armor.
“Not everyone in the City thinks that way,” I said. “You know Fabian and Mike?”
“Yeah,” Toby said cautiously.
“They’re working on a new district where people from Outside can build a decent life.”
Toby’s expression darkened. “You know they’re on the Holy Boys’ hit list?”
I stopped in my tracks. “What?”
“Think about it. If the City expands, the Boys lose power. That’s their warning: no one touches their turf and gets away with it.” His voice was flat, but there was something in it - rage? Or despair?
“And those are the Holy Boys you ran with for eight months?”
“Yeah, that scum. I was one of them. I’m a monster.”
The conviction in his voice took me aback.
I shook my head. “I know plenty of people see you that way. My father included. But the more I get to know you, the harder it is to believe you’re some kind of monster.”
“Come on, Florian. You’ve read the file. You know what I was part of - the worst gang in the region.”
All the light had gone from his face. I thought I saw a tear roll down his cheek. Gently, I placed a hand on his arm.
“Come on. Let’s sit down for a bit. That bench over there.”
I led him to the spot I’d pointed to, and we sat down side by side.
“Why did you even join the Holy Boys?”
“Well, the police were onto me, and it was a way to stay out of their hands.”
“Joining a bunch of thugs was the only idea you had? Sorry, but I think you’re more creative than that. Come on, what’s the real reason?”
Toby lowered his head. “They were the only ones who’d take me.”
“That’s a shit reason. Doesn’t even make sense.”
“I know,” he said quietly. “I’m a monster.”
“No, sweetheart, you’re not. You might’ve made mistakes, but you’re no monster.” I kissed him gently on the cheek and ran a hand through his hair.
With teary eyes, he looked up at me. “Isn’t there anything you blame me for?”
I hesitated, then decided to say it.
“You stole from me.”
Toby bowed his head. “Yeah.” He didn’t even try to deny it.
“You probably nicked it on the train”, I continued. “After that night. Do you realize how much of a slap in the face that was?”
“That’s what I do. I steal from everyone. I wanted to keep something to remember you by. What happened between us. What you did to me. That spanking paddle felt... right.”
“So you just took it out of my bag? Without asking?”
“Would you have given it to me if I’d asked?”
“No. It was City property.”
“Well, that’s why I didn’t ask.”
“So you think you can just take whatever’s not yours?”
“Yeah. When someone else has everything and you’ve got nothing, you take what you can.” He glanced sideways and caught my expression. “Sorry. That was a crap thing to say. I know I shouldn’t have taken it. Did it cause any trouble, you losing it?”
“Not really. Just a simple bit of wood in the end. I figured I’d left it behind at my hotel in Zürich. They weren’t thrilled about it, but it wasn’t a huge deal. It only hit me yesterday what had really happened. And yeah… that stung a bit.”
“I get that. I broke your trust.” He stood up, crossed the corridor and turned to face me. “Have you got one of those paddles on you now?”
“Yeah. Planning to steal that one too?”
“No. I want you to use it. On me.”
“What?”
“Hard.” His breathing quickened. “I deserve it.”
“Are you messing with me?”
“No. I mean it. Otherwise it’ll always be between us. And I don’t want that. You’re the only friend I’ve got.”
I stared at him. He meant it. He actually wanted me to spank him again. As if last night hadn’t been enough.
I thought for a moment, then made up my mind. I took the paddle from inside my jacket.
“Alright, Toby. But if we do this, we do it properly. Strip and face the wall.”
A few moments later, he stood in front of me completely naked again. Then he assumed the position: palms flat, feet back, legs apart.
With the paddle in hand, I stepped behind him at an angle. I raised my arm and brought it down hard on his bare ass. He screamed.
“You asked for this. Twenty full-force swats, bare backside. Got it?”
“Yeah, I need this. I stole from you when you trusted me. I’ve stolen from so many people. I’m a parasite. Beat the shit out of me, please...”
Calmly, I returned the paddle to my jacket. “No.”
He stayed facing the wall for a moment, then turned to me. “What do you mean, no?”
“No, Toby. I’m not going to beat the crap out of you. That smack was to make you understand what you’re asking me to do.”
“But you have to! I deserve it!”
“Over a stupid bit of wood? No, love. I decide when you’re punished. Not you.”
Toby’s fists clenched. “Florian, please. I don’t want to lose you.”
I pulled him into my arms. His body was tense, but he didn’t pull away. “You won’t lose me, Toby. I’m not letting you go. I won’t make that mistake again.”
“I deserve to be punished.”
“You’ll get what you deserve.”
I kissed him gently on the cheek and began to stroke his bare back and buttocks. Gradually, he calmed down and gave himself over to my touch. Standing beside him, I kept stroking his back and ass with my left hand, while my right slid slowly across his smooth chest and belly. From time to time, I kissed his cheek, his neck, his shoulder. He let it all wash over him.
After a while, I began to spank him lightly while my other hand worked its way down to his cock.
“You’ve got to hit harder,” Toby said. “That doesn’t hurt. Doesn’t feel like punishment.”
“It’s not meant to be punishment. For the last time - I decide whether you deserve to be punished. Let go. I’ll protect you.”
“You really want to do that? Protect me?”
“I do. Do you trust me? Will you let me take care of you?”
“Yes.”
I kept giving him soft, rhythmic smacks while stroking his stiff cock with increasing intensity. His breathing grew heavy. He raised his hands and placed them behind his head - a sign of total submission. His whole body tensed as he came, spurting against the stone wall in powerful jets.
He stood there, still panting, eyes closed. Then he embraced me, pressing his naked body firmly against mine. I began stroking him again, gently combing my fingers through his hair. We stayed like that for minutes, tangled together.
* * * *
“Florian, are you alright?”
I’d never been so relieved to hear my dad’s voice. He came through loud and clear on the radio I’d set up beneath the supply shaft.
“I’m fine. I’m alright. Toby too. He’s here with me.”
“Thank god. I felt awful when I realized something had gone wrong. It was sheer madness to leave you back there on your own, with that scum you had with you.”
“Don’t worry. It was a tough call, and you did what seemed least risky. I’m guessing you’ve brought backup?”
“Yeah, half the City force is with me. The Holy Boys would be fools to take us on now. How did you manage to escape them?”
“We’re holed up in an old lithium mine Toby found years ago. A few hours’ walk from here there’s an exit we’re heading for.”
“Okay, we’ll meet you there. Where exactly?”
I gave him the name. Then I asked, “Can you reach Fabian and Mike from where you are?”
“Should be able to. Our gear’s strong enough. Why?”
In a few words, I told him what Toby had said about the Holy Boys’ hit list. My dad didn’t hesitate.
“Understood, Florian. We’ll alert them immediately. You get your prisoner to the exit. We’ll see you there in a few hours.”
With a flick of the switch, I shut the radio off. I turned to Toby, who stood beside me, and smiled.
“You heard him, prisoner. Let’s go.”
He kissed me full on the mouth. “Your scum will follow you anywhere, officer.”
****
We continued through the vast maze of tunnels. At first we were still cheerful - glad for each other’s company, and reassured that rescue was near. But gradually it began to sink in: our time together was almost up, and Toby was facing a grim future behind prison walls. Doubt crept in: how could I possibly keep my promise to protect him? And yet, I was determined to do whatever I could.
We were still at least half an hour from the exit when we heard voices ahead: our rescuers, apparently coming to meet us. Toby placed a hand on my arm.
“You’d better put the cuffs back on,” he said, “otherwise you’ll have a lot of explaining to do when they see us.”
I shook my head. “No, they can know I took them off and that you came with me willingly.”
“But that’ll get you into trouble. If they find out….”
“They don’t need to know everything. Just that I couldn’t have made it without you.”
“Bit of an exaggeration...”
“Forget the cuffs. Come on.”
He looked at me, stunned, but didn’t resist. Not that there was much time, voices were drawing closer.
Moments later, my dad and I embraced. “Thank god you’re alright, son,” he said. “I was sick with worry. And after I laid into you like that, completely unfairly... Promise me you’ll punch me right in the face if I ever doubt you again.”
I laughed. “Don’t be ridiculous.”
He looked at Toby, but said nothing about the missing handcuffs. Instead, he extended a hand.
“Good to see you too. I’m glad you made it.”
Toby stared, stunned, but shook his hand. “Oh… um… thanks.”
I glanced around, but none of the other officers seemed the least bit surprised. I didn’t have time to dwell on it.
“We head straight back to the entrance,” my father announced in his usual no-nonsense tone. “There’s plenty of us, but we still shouldn’t stay down here any longer than we have to. Anyone hungry?”
One of the officers handed Toby and me some bread, which we ate as we walked towards the exit together.
“I spoke to your brother,” Dad said after a while.
“Oh, good,” I replied. “How are they?”
“They’re alright. But they’ve had a rough week. And they had a very interesting story to tell about Toby.”
“About me?” Toby asked, walking beside us.
“Yes, about you. You’ve met Fabian and Mike, haven’t you?”
“Wait... hang on.” He looked at me. “Your brother?”
“Er… yeah,” I said. “Fabian’s my brother. Mike’s his partner, my brother-in-law.”
“Holy shit...” Toby looked momentarily floored. My dad placed a hand on his shoulder.
“Toby, why didn’t you tell us what happened?”
“How was I supposed to know Fabian was your son?”
“No, you couldn’t have known that. But even so - don’t you think it might’ve helped to tell us? Don’t you think it could’ve changed how I treated you?”
“Why would it? Because I did one good thing in my life?”
Dad looked at him, shaking his head slightly, then turned to me. “As soon as we’re topside, we’re heading to the Peel Bastion. To Fabian and Mike. We need to put every bit of protection in place we can.”
Then he turned back to Toby, pointing at him. “And when we get there, you’re going to tell us the whole story.”
