1st Love

“Although we’ve come to the end of the road. Still, I can’t let go. It’s unnatural. You belong to me. I belong to you. Come to the end of the road.”-Boyz II Men (End of the Road)

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January 2026

“Wow, so you were a bitch,” Matthew stated firmly.

Noah looked up from his coffee and laughed softly. The memory of his eighteenth birthday weighed heavy on him still.

“I guess it depends on who you ask?” Noah said as he sipped his coffee.

“I am asking you, Noah.”

“Honestly, Mateo…I’m sorry, Greg. I was a bitch, and so were you. We were a bitch to each other and those around us.” Noah stared off into the distance briefly. “To be young and dumb. That was our excuse. That’s what I tell myself, at least.”

Matthew smirked and exhaled, “Well, don’t keep me in suspense. Tell me the rest.”

Noah exhaled, “Maybe that’s enough for one night. That’s already so much to process.”

Matthew could sense that there was something Noah didn’t want to talk about. He wanted to know everything. It seemed only fair after the speech Noah had given him earlier.

“No, you wanted me to know about my life. I’m open to hearing the story. I’ll let you know when I’ve had enough. Keep going because if I walk out of here, we won’t do this again.”

Noah wanted to argue against it. However, he didn’t want to lose Matthew again, so he had no choice but to continue telling him the story.

Reluctantly, Noah said, “As you wish.”

September 2005

Blair and Noah slowly pulled their lips apart. Blair felt butterflies in his stomach for the young man. He was about to kiss him again when he noticed Matthew sulking by the patio doors. The butterflies in his stomach quickly went away. Blair pulled Noah by the hand and led him upstairs.

“You two better keep it down up there,” Bev playfully shouted.

Bev and Stacey started to giggle. Matthew didn’t find the joke funny at all. His blood boiled, and his heart ached.

“It’s not funny, Bev,” Matthew said as he stormed out of the house.

Bev rolled her eyes and followed behind him. Stacey turned to Cooper, and just as she was about to kiss him, the urge to vomit hit her hard. She covered her mouth and ran for the bathroom.

“There goes my night,” Cooper said to himself.

Blair and Noah entered the bedroom. Before Blair could say anything, Noah kissed him again. Blair pushed his tongue into Noah’s mouth. Things started to heat up between them.

“Noah, what are you doing,” Blair asked between kisses.

“Isn’t it obvious,” Noah responded as he pulled his shirt off.

Blair wanted to resist, but Noah was just so damn cute. Noah took a moment to admire Blair fully. The college boy was beautiful. He was tall with dark hair, and behind those thick black glasses were the most amazing green eyes. His face was long, and he had a narrow, strong jawline. His eyebrows were thick, and his black hair was swooped to one side. He had thin but beautiful pink lips.

“What about Matthew?” Blair didn’t want any problems.

Noah pulled Blair’s shirt off. “You really wanna talk about him right now?”

Blair had a gorgeous swimmer’s body under his shirt. Noah undid the stud’s pants and pulled them off. Blair’s long, thick erection was pressed down the front side of his thigh. Noah ran his hand across the magnificent cock.

“How does that feel,” Noah asked as he continued to stroke Blair's cock.

“Oh God, it feels so good,” he moaned.

“I want you to be my first. Right here. Right now,” Noah said as he kissed Blair’s neck.

Blair pushed Noah away, “No.”

A shocked Noah responded, “No? You don’t want me?”

Noah put his hand back on Blair’s throbbing erection. He slowly pulled Blair’s underwear down. A massive thick uncut, nearly 10-inch cock popped out. Perfect, think dark hairs made up the pubes above his cock, and he had nice small size smooth balls. Noah was in complete shock at how big Blair’s cock was.

Blair rolled his eyes and pushed Noah away, “I want you. You have no idea how much I want to do this. My dick hurts from how badly I want to do it. I like you, and I have never liked anyone this fast. I’m also not crazy. I can tell you like my sister’s boyfriend. I’m also sure he likes you as well. I don’t wanna do this if you’re unsure where you stand with Matthew.”

“Matthew is straight. I will admit I have a crush on him. It's a very misplaced crush. He was my first friend here, and I stupidly thought it was more. I know it’s not going anywhere, Kent.” Noah was defeated and hurt. He sat down on the bed.

“Every gay guy goes through a straight guy crush phase. Having sex with the first guy that smiles at you isn’t the way to get over a crush,” Blair said as he took a seat next to Noah.

“Rejecting a guy isn’t a helpful way to build his self-esteem. I’m gonna take the room downstairs. Good night, Kent.”

Blair sighed, “Good night, Heartbreaker.”

Matthew was so angry he couldn’t stop moving his feet. Bev ran behind him, calling out to him. He wanted to be left alone, but she refused to let him. The wind was blowing strong, and branches in the trees swayed rapidly.

Bev called out, “Matty, slow down.”

He yelled back, “Just go back to the house. I want to be alone.”

Bev refused to go back to the house. The moon was the only bright light in the dark, lighting up the path for them. Bev ran faster to catch up with Matthew. Matthew made it to the boat dock. At the end of the dock was a little white rowboat.

Matthew climbed into the boat and began to untie it from the dock. Just as he finished up, Bev got over in the boat. Her being there only frustrated Matthew more.

“Bev, go home,” Matthew shouted.

“I’m not going anywhere. You don’t have to tell me what’s wrong with you. I won’t even talk, but I love you, and I’m staying,” she said, standing her ground.

Bev sat, and Matthew rowed the boat out into the middle of the lake. They sat there quietly for a few minutes. Matthew lay on the boat staring up at the stars. Bev snuggled up next to him. For an hour, they listened to the sound of the wind blowing.

Matthew finally calmed down. His heart still was broken. Noah was his person and the reason life felt easy. Seeing him kiss Blair was like watching their relationship die. He also knew that Bev didn’t deserve to be treated horribly.

“I’m sorry for how I acted. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” He was being honest. As honest as he could be with her.

“It's okay. I know you’re still processing your grief. I know Noah has helped you a lot, and so it’s scary to think he may leave if he gets a boyfriend.”

“Yeah. Very scary.” He knew it was deeper than that.

“If something else were going on, you would tell me, though, right?” Bev had a feeling in her stomach she couldn’t shake.

“Something else like what?”

“Do you have feelings for Noah?”

Matthew felt his heart swell, and his throat became dry. He wanted to be honest, but he was scared. He was afraid of the possible rejection and mockery that could come his way, of his mother not loving him. There was so much fear and so little room for love.

Bev could feel Matthew’s energy shift. She took his hand and held it in the most comforting way. She could never fully understand Matthew’s feelings, but her feelings were simple. She loved him no matter what.

“Have you slept with him,” she asked.

“No. Only you,” he answered as tears fell from his eyes.

“Have you kissed him?”

Matthew nodded his head, “Three times. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“You love us both?”

Matthew looked at her, “I do. I never felt like this about a guy before. I don’t know why I feel like this now. I want it to go away so badly. I don’t wanna be gay.”

“Maybe you’re bi. Whatever the case is, I’m not going anywhere. I love you, Matty, and I’m going to help you. Maybe for a little while, you should limit your contact with Noah. Don’t cut him out of your life, but don’t be so close. You think you can do that?”

“I don’t want to hurt him. He’s my best friend.” Matthew felt hopeless.

“I’ll talk to him for you,” Bev said as she pulled Matthew in for a sweet kiss.

Noah tossed and turned in the bed. He couldn’t sleep. He was feeling low, and the room was hot. Blair’s rejection and Matthew’s choice had hurt him deeply. He just wanted to feel loved at the moment, and like he was worthy. On top of all of that, he missed his father. The guilt of having a birthday was starting to rise in him.

He stripped out of pajama bottoms and his shirt. He opened the window and let the cool nightside air in. A sound in the kitchen startled him. He got out of bed, hoping to find either Blair or Matthew.

He walked into the kitchen. Cooper stood in front of the open fridge in the dark. Cooper was shirtless, wearing just a pair of black boxer briefs.

“Did I wake you,” Cooper asked as he closed the fridge.

“No, I couldn’t sleep.”

“I thought you and Blair would have been smashing. Did he pick up that you were using him to make Mat jealous?” Cooper giggled at the thought of it all.

Noah was caught off guard, “What? Was it that obvious?”

“Dude, I could tell from the first day you met Mat in chemistry class. You were crazy about that dude.”

Noah smirked, “Well, it’s one-sided. I thought you’d be all smashing Stacey.”

“Normally, I would. She got all wasted off the beer. She puked on my side of the bed and is now sleeping it off. Sucks for me and my balls.” Cooper tugged on his dick. Noah’s eyes followed.

Cooper walked up to Noah. They stood face to face, and Cooper placed his hand on Noah’s ass.

“What are you doing, Cooper?” Noah’s tone was full of nerves.

“I’m curious. You made a college guy want you in less than a few hours, and the most popular guy in high school fell apart when another dude touched you. I just want to see what it’s about.”

Noah whispered, “I’ve never done it.”

“I’ve never done it with a guy. How about we change that for the both of us tonight,” Cooper asked as he ran his hand up and down Noah’s ass cheek.

Noah was at a loss for words. The two slowly inched their lips together, and then they kissed. Cooper pushed Noah against the wall. Their tongues wrestled one another.

“Maybe this isn’t such a good idea,” Noah said.

“You’re probably right.” Cooper stared at Noah. Then he wrapped his arm around his waist. “Fuck it!”

He pulled Noah back in for another kiss. Noah ran his hand across the front of Cooper’s underwear. Cooper’s dick was hard. Noah kissed his neck and down his stomach. He got on his knees and pulled Cooper’s underwear down.

Cooper’s dick 7-inch cut cock stood fully erect and ready. Noah took the cock in his mouth and started to suck it.

“Oh my God, that feels fucking amazing,” Cooper said excitedly.

Noah smiled. That was all he wanted to hear from Matthew earlier. Noah continued to suck Cooper’s cock. Cooper tried his hardest to remain quiet, but Noah made him feel good.

“I think we should head into your room,” Copper said as he picked his underwear up.

They quickly went into the bedroom. Cooper locked the door as Noah undressed. Cooper had Noah slide up on the bed. Cooper spit on his cock and very slowly pushed his dick head against Noah’s hole.

Noah’s hole was tight and wouldn’t give. Cooper applied more pressure, and the head finally broke through the tight ring. Noah screamed, and Copper quickly covered his mouth with his hand. The pain was intense for several minutes.

“Damn, it’s so tight and hot,” Cooper said.

Cooper eased more of his cock inside of Noah. Noah’s hole started to relax. Cooper began to move in and out of Noah at a slow pace. He removed his hand from Noah’s mouth, and Noah let out a soft whimper.

“I’m the first person ever inside of you. It feels amazing,” Cooper groaned.

“It’s so big. Oh my God,” Noah exclaimed.

Hearing Noah call his man parts big brought a smile to his face. Cooper had always been curious about guys but never planned to act on those thoughts until he saw Noah standing in his underwear.

Cooper planted his hands on the side of the bed. He kissed Noah, started rocking his hip, and moved in and out of him. Noah’s cock grew to be fully erect. He couldn’t believe his first time was with Cooper.

Cooper picked up the pace of his thrusting. Noah’s hole had utterly relaxed. The tight furnace fit his cock like a glove made of love. They lost themselves in one another. Repeatedly Cooper slammed his cock in and out of Noah. Finally, he reached his climax; he planted all traces of his DNA deep inside Noah.

Even after reaching his climax, Cooper was still erect. Noah could feel his cock still throbbing inside of him.

“I usually have to go two rounds. Is that okay,” Cooper asked.

“Go for it," Noah said, out of breath.

Cooper pulled out of Noah and got on his knees. Noah showed off his flexibility, spread his legs wide into a split, and Cooper slid back inside. Cooper admired the way Noah’s ass bounced as he pounded him.

Noah worked his hole on Cooper’s cock. He would make it squeeze and twitch around the nice thick cock.

“Fuck.” Noah moaned out.

“It’s so tight. My cock has never felt this good before,” Cooper proclaimed.

“Can I try riding it? It looks so fun in the pornos.” Noah asked as he moved away from Cooper.

Cooper happily got on his back. Noah slid down on Cooper’s dick in reverse cowgirl style. He started moving up and down on it. Cooper began to thrust his hips up. They were meeting each other’s movement.

Noah could feel the cum in balls begin to churn. He moved up and down slowly. His dick was leaking precum all over the place. He started to stroke his throbbing dick. Then fiery thick cum erupted from his swollen dick. Cooper fucked another load right inside of him.

Noah lay next to Cooper. He was feeling good and appreciated. He snuggled up next to Cooper and laid his head on his chest. He had finally lost his V-card.

“Holy shit. Is the first time like that for everyone?” A surprised Noah asked.

Cooper pushed Noah off. He took the sheet and wiped his body where Noah had rested his head. Noah was shocked by Cooper’s sudden, visceral action.

“No. My first time with a girl was nothing like that. Look, I’m not fag, you know. So, keep your mouth shut and don’t go catching feelings. I’m not Mat.”

“I know.” The excitement was no longer in his voice.

Cooper quickly slipped on his underwear and disappeared into the dark house. Noah thought he would feel better or different after having finally had sex. For a moment, he did feel better, but it was short-lived. He now felt the complete opposite. He felt like crap. Suddenly, he felt sick. Like he could die, why was he putting himself in this position with guys he could never have?

The bright morning sun woke Matthew and Bev. They had spent the night in the boat under the stars. Bev had never felt closer to Matthew than she did at that moment. The two shared a sweet morning kiss.

“Do you have any regrets about what we discussed last night,” Bev asked as she rested her head on Matthew’s shoulder.

Matthew shook his head, “No. I just don’t want to hurt him.”

“I’ll be gentle. I promise,” she said reassuringly.

They basked in the sun for a few more moments before returning to the house. Bev and Matthew entered the house holding hands. Cooper and Stacey were sitting around the table eating. Stacey was hungover, and Cooper looked refreshed.

“You two look happy,” Cooper said as he took a bite of bacon.

“We are Coop. Where is Noah? Still sleeping,” Bev asked.

“He’s in his room.” He gave no indication that anything had happened between him and Noah.

Noah had just slipped his shorts on when Bev walked into the room. She closed the door behind her.

“Noah, can we talk?” She asked politely.

“Sure.” The spark in Noah’s voice was long gone. Had she been paying attention, she would have heard something was off with him.

“Matty told me what the two have been doing. It’s all very confusing for him. He looked at you as a friend, and I think you may have taken advantage of him.”

“What? I would never do that,” Noah uttered, confused.

“Well, you did. We think it's best if you guys spend less time together for a while. He doesn’t want to hurt you or lose your friendship, but you have to get over your crush on him, and he needs to work through this confusion.”

“Well, shouldn’t you stay away as well?”

Bev chuckled, “Matty loves me, and I love him. I’m not the confusion. You are.”

“You literally were just pushing me to be his friend the other day.” Noah was beyond frustrated with everything and everyone.

“Yes, that was before I found out what was going on. If you have a heart, you’ll stay away from him.” Bev turned to walk away, and then she stopped and said, “I think this is a good birthday present for the both of you.”

The knocking at the bedroom door awakened Blair. He opened the door to find Noah looking like a wounded creature.

Concerned, Blair asked, “Noah, what’s wrong?”

 “Can you take me home?” Noah broke out into sobs, “Please?”

 Blair hugged Noah, “Yeah. Let me get dressed.”

Blair informed the group that he was taking Noah home. Noah left without a word, and part of him hoped that Mathew would have said something or come behind him. Matthew wanted to follow behind Noah. He feared losing him, but he also wanted to be the boyfriend that Bev deserved. So, he watched his best friend walk out. In Matthew’s mind and heart, he figured he would just stop by and see Noah that night.

Noah and Blair walked into the house. His mom was laughing with some friends as they hung up party decorations.

“Mom, what are you doing,” Noah asked.

Vivian was surprised to see her son home. She thought he wasn’t coming back till later.

“You’re early. I thought Mat was going to have you at the lake till later. I wanted to surprise you. I know last year was rough with Dad passing away. I wanted this year to be special. Who is this?” She gave Blair a suspecting look.

“This is Blair. He was just leaving. I’m going to go and rest my eyes for a little bit.” He sounded broken.

“Okay, sweetie. Blair, would you be a doll and help me hang this banner,” Vivan asked the young man.

Blair smiled, “Sure.”

They say a mother knows her child. Noah was saying he was fine, but she sensed something was off with him. Her son wasn’t his usual self. She watched him disappear up the stairs. She worried about him more than she worried about herself.

Noah walked into his bedroom. Suddenly, he was flooded with memories and images of the night he and Matthew nearly made love in his bed. Then, he reflected on how Blair rejected him and the aftermath of things with Cooper.

Tears flowed from a deep hole in his huge heart. He pulled out the suit he wore to his dad’s funeral and changed into it. He replayed the song “End of the Road” by Boyz II Men. He sat at his desk, pulled out a notebook, and began to write a letter. He expressed the hurt and disappointment he needed to express in his life.

Vivan was in the middle of a joke when she heard the music coming from her son’s room. Instantly, she was taken back to the days following her husband’s death. She knew then that her son was far beyond her reach mentally.

She quickly made her way upstairs. Usually, she would have knocked on the door, but this time, she barged into the room. She startled Noah, who dropped the empty pill bottle, and it rolled across the floor.

She was heartbroken as she scanned the room. Her eyes landed on the letter on his desk. She noticed the suit and, of course, the pill bottle.

“Noah!” She ran to him.

Noah broke down in her arms, “I’m sorry. I just want to stop feeling this way. I need the hurt to go away. It just hurts all over. Why won’t it stop hurting? I can’t do this anymore.”

The pills began to work. His eyes felt heavy, and he slowly faded into a deep slumber. The sound of Vivian screaming and the song lyrics rang heavily in his ears. Then, it all faded to black.

Matthew and Bev were sitting in front of the television, watching a show at Bev’s home. The second Matthew walked in the door; Bev could tell something was off with her brother. He looked like he had been shaken to his core.

“Blair, are you okay,” she asked her brother.

“I’ve watched a lot of shows where teens face shit,” he said as he tried to fight through tears. “They face shit, and they get all dramatic and try and kill themselves. It’s TV, and they do it for ratings. I always thought people don’t do that shit in real life. I was helping his mom hang up his birthday banner. I rode in the car with him for two hours this morning. How did I miss it?”

Matthew jumped up off the sofa, “Where’s Noah?”

“He tried to kill himself. He’s in the hospital. His mom found him. He took the whole bottle. He was in my car. He was in my car, Bev.” The agony in his voice cut deep.

Blair fell to the floor crying. Bev rushed over and wrapped her brother in a tight embrace. Matthew felt his heart stop beating for a moment. Matthew tried calling Noah’s phone all night but never got an answer.

The following 72 hours were hard for Matthew. He wanted to know if Noah was okay. He would go by Noah’s house after school, but no one was there. All his calls to Noah were unanswered.

It was four days after Noah had attempted suicide. Matthew was sitting in class, staring at the desk where Noah would have normally been seated. He was about to ask to be excused when the teacher spoke.

“Mr. Horn,” the teacher called out to another student. “It appears we need to reassign you to a new group. Noah Montgomery has been withdrawn from the school.”

Matthew was shocked to hear that. It crushed him. He quickly asked to be excused. He tried to call Noah, but his number had been changed. The end of the school day couldn’t come fast enough.

Matthew made his way to Noah’s home. He frantically knocked on the door. After what felt like an eternity, Vivian opened the door. She was not pleased to see Matthew.

“What do you want, Matthew?” She was anything but pleasant.

“Noah. Is he okay? Can I see him? They said he was withdrawn.”

She wanted to be a bitch, but how could she. The child looked like he was about to fall apart.

“He’s gone. I dropped him off at the airport this morning.”

“Airport?” Matthew didn’t understand.

“He’s going to finish his senior year with my brother in California. He needs to be around someone else who’s gay and help him figure out how to work through it all. Plus, he needed a fresh start. He didn’t even want me to fly with him.”

Confused, he asked, “He told you he was gay?”

She smiled, “The day you had your pool party, and he wasn’t invited. I’m not going to pretend I understand your relationship with my son. All I know is he did something with you and some Cooper guy, and it devastated an already grieving child. So goodbye, Matthew.”

With those words, she closed the door. Matthew walked away with more questions than he had answers for. He wanted to know what happened between Cooper and Noah. He wanted to know where Noah was going to school, and most importantly, he wanted his friend. That night, Matthew finally accepted Bev’s invitation to join Facebook. He created his profile and searched for Noah, but he wasn’t on Facebook.

Noah was staring out the window when the plane touched down in California. It had been a long flight. A layover in Atlanta for two hours followed by five hours in the sky was enough to make him cranky.

The flight attendant announced, “Ladies and gentlemen, on behalf of your flight crew today, we’d like to be the first to welcome you to San Francisco, California, and thank you for flying Delta Airlines.

Noah felt a relief wash over him. A fresh start in the gayest city in the country was just what he needed.

If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts, it’s essential to seek help immediately. You can contact a trusted friend or family member, a mental health professional, or a helpline such as the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Your life matters, and there are people who care and want to support you through this difficult time.

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Note from Grayson….

Thank you for reading this chapter. I struggled with whether I should post this chapter or not. It holds an extraordinary place in my heart. This story is mostly fantasy, sprinkled with realistic feelings and emotions. Not everyone’s first time is special and magical. This chapter is based on my experience as a junior in high school, losing my virginity to some guy who was old enough to be my father whom I met on A4A(pretty sure I just told my age). What followed after that experience changed my life in some very positive and negative ways. So, I just wanted to share why this chapter is slightly darker than the previous ones. It’s based on my real-life experience.