Adulting

Seth’s story

Cam’s old white Fiat Cabriolet pulled into the driveway. We had the red moonroof pulled back because the air conditioner didn’t blow very cold… not that there’s much of a breeze in June in Phoenix. We both started working at Starbucks a couple of months ago and had just worked an eight-hour shift together. We try to synchronize our schedules as much as possible so we can ride together. Cam has his own car, and with five drivers and three cars at my house I’d be stuck taking the bus.

“Damn, your brother’s friends are all hot, and built as hell!” Cam said. I just laughed, as we watched the half-dozen or so shirtless guys working in the front yard. Next weekend we were having a huge graduation party for my brother Brian and my sister Theresa. For the last few weekends all of Brad and Scotty’s friends have been coming over to help them work on the house. They’ve painted everything inside and out, relandscaped the yard, put in a beautiful patio around the pool, and a bunch of other stuff that needed to be done. They would go to breakfast together every Sunday and then come here and work until about 6:00 or so when they would leave and go over to Scotty’s brothers house for a cookout. They’re such awesome friends and great people.

“I know! You’ve had a boner for three weeks just watching them” I said laughing.

Cam reached over an grabbed my crotch teasingly “look who’s talking!” He wasn’t wrong.

“Hey,” I said changing the subject abruptly. “I think I’m gonna come out to my mom when she’s here” I told Cam. My mom was coming to town for the party and staying for a few days. I’d been living with my brother for about five months and haven’t seen my mother since I left Texas. Her visit was controversial among my siblings, but after a lot of discussion and arguing we decided to invite her.

Why I live with my brother is a long story, but here it is: I was always a shy kid; never truly comfortable in my own skin because I felt different from the other kids. I was always attracted to boys but knew it was wrong, so I did my best to just lay low and get lost in the crowd. The good thing is that as the youngest of six kids it wasn’t all that difficult to do. My father was very rigid and very religious, more accurately he was a religious zealot. We were to obey him and believe as he did or there were consequences, and he was very clear on his views of homosexuality. The funny thing is that I didn’t consider myself homosexual. Yeah, I liked boys, but homosexuals hated god and god hated them. I loved god and thought I had a pretty good relationship with him, we didn’t hate each other. I always assumed the thoughts I had about other boys were just him testing me. I struggled a lot with that.

I had three older brothers and two older sisters. My oldest brother, Brad, was my favorite. He disappeared when I was fourteen and he was a senior in college. We were expecting him to come home for Thanksgiving that year and I was so excited! One of the best things about the holidays was having Brad home, but he didn’t come home, and no one would tell me why. I asked mother and she just gave me vague, non-answers like “he’s too busy at school” or “he just couldn’t make it.” I wanted to call him after dinner to say happy Thanksgiving, but my mother said he lost his phone, and we couldn’t reach him.

Then Christmas came and again, no Brad. I asked Mother where he was and just got more vague answers, so I finally asked Father. “Your brother chose the devil over his family, he doesn’t want to see us. Pray for his soul.” Is all he said. I didn’t know what that meant, and I didn’t dare ask questions. Father’s word was to be accepted as definitive and consequences for questioning him were severe. So we all just went on like he never existed.

It was weird. My brothers and sisters would whisper about him, there were rumors that he was gay, other rumors that he joined a cult, but I never got any real answers about what happened to him. When my brother Brian turned eighteen about two years later he ran away from home in the middle of the night. It was right after the New year. I woke up one morning he was gone. He never said goodbye to me or my brother Eli (and he and Eli were best buds). He didn’t even take any of his stuff with him! He was just gone. Again, I didn’t dare ask.

About two months after Brian left, a friend of his came up to Eli in school and gave him a cell phone. He told him that Brian had sent it to him, and he programmed his number into it, he wanted us to call him. His friend was clear that the phone needed to be left at school, so Father didn’t find it. Well, I love Eli but he can be an idiot. He brought the phone home and our father found it in his backpack. He asked Eli where it came from since we were forbidden to have cell phones. Eli wouldn’t talk, then Father noticed a phone number programmed in and asked whose it was. Again, Eli wouldn’t talk, however, after several hard smacks with the belt that left welts on his bare butt, Eli told him it was Brian’s. Eli knew he couldn’t win a fight with Father… we all knew that. When Father asked me if I knew about the phone, I admitted that I did in hopes of avoiding the belt. Well… that’s when my life changed completely.

Father hauled me and Eli off to a “sabbatical” to repent for our lying and disobedience. This wasn’t the first time, but this time was definitely different. Instead of the church basement we were brought to a barn on one of the church members farms outside of town. There were several other kids about our age there, including a few who were unconscious. Rumor was they were drugged because they refused to come on their own. For the next few days, we were kept in the barn to pray. Different men from the church came in and out to keep watch and lead us in forced prayer. We were given water and bland food and were allowed supervised visits to the outhouse behind the barn, but other than that all we did was pray. None of us had showered or bathed and the place really smelled like barn animals and body odor. Eli and I were on our knees on the hard cement floor praying with the others while one of the men from the church sat by the door in the corner and watched. Suddenly the door flew open, and the place was flooded with state troopers and people from Child Protective Services.

After a lot of yelling and scuffling the troopers took the adults (including Father) away in police cruisers, and the CPS people put all of us kids in a small bus and took us to the hospital to get checked out, after that we were all sent to different safe houses. I was so happy that they let me, and Eli stay together. We stayed with a very nice foster couple, Jude and Marta. They were extremely kind and good to us, but I wanted to go home. To be honest, I didn’t fully understand why I was there in the first place. It wasn’t illegal to make us pray. Was it? Eli kept telling me that they had no right to lock us up like that, and they definitely had no right to drug those other kids. He said that was child abuse.

Weeks had gone by, and I was starting to believe we were never going to leave foster care. Then one morning Jude and Marta told us our brothers were coming to take us to stay with them. Our brothers? I thought. Both of them? I hadn’t seen Brad in over two years, was he back? Did he and Brian live together? Where were they taking us? I had so many questions.

None of the questions mattered when Brian and Brad showed up to get us. Eli ran to Brad, and I ran to Brian. I was so happy to see him, but I was still a little unsure about Brad. The two of them stayed for a while to talk to Marta and Jude, who asked them a million questions about where we were going to live, etc. They truly cared about us. After we left there, we went to lunch with Mother. Eli wasn’t too happy about seeing her, but I was. I was glad I got to say goodbye. After lunch we got into Brad’s car and started our long trip to Phoenix where Brian, Brad and his husband all lived.

That’s what I said. BRAD’S HUSBAND! What the fuck . I was in shock, I had never heard of two men being married, was that even legal? The car ride was eye-opening. I honestly wasn’t sure what to believe anymore. They told us that Father had disowned Brad for being gay and it was Father who cut him out of our lives, not the other way around. Brian also claimed that he didn’t run away from home. He said two men came to the house in the middle of the night, put a hood over his head, and dragged him to the church basement to pray until some people came and rescued him (I wondered if they were the same people who rescued us from the barn). Somehow, Brian found Brad and they’d been living together at Brad’s place, now we were going to join them. It was all so strange to me, but Eli kept telling me it would all be fine, and I trusted him. I didn’t know what to expect.

When we got to Phoenix, I played it cool. I still wasn’t sure who to trust. If my brothers were telling the truth, that means my father had been lying to us for years. If that was true, then what else did he lie about? My entire believe system was being challenged. Eli was the only one I could trust, and he trusted Brad and Brian. I was starting to do the same, but Scotty? I didn’t know him! All I knew was that he was a homosexual, and according to Father most of them are pedophiles. I might like boys, but I wasn’t about to let this guy touch me, so I avoided him as much as I could.

I was settling into my new life and liked it. Brad and Scotty bought a bigger house and were fixing it up for us. Scotty’s brother Kevin and his husband Randy (yup… more married homosexuals) had us over every Sunday for dinner and to swim in their pool, they treated us like family. There were always other people around, most of them homosexuals, and they were all very good to us. They took us in, fed, us, and treated us with kindness. When we moved into the new house, they made sure we had everything we needed, they even gave us furniture for my bedroom.

I met Cam Right before we moved into the new house. He lived a few doors down and we became great friends really fast. We just clicked. We liked the same things, he even loved to read like me, I’d never met anyone else my age that loved to read. I was comfortable with him, and I could tell him anything. I didn’t have many friends back home and Cam quickly became the best friend I ever had. One day Brad and Scotty had a bunch of their gay friends over for a cookout (all of them pretty hot for older dudes). They were all swimming and Cam and I were sitting on the patio in a corner when he started asking a lot of questions about them. Then he said, “I’m like them.” It took a second for me to realize what he had just told me. He was gay. Then I blurted out “me too.” That was the first time I had admitted it out loud. I had worried and prayed about it for years, I even thought about killing myself… if it wasn’t for the threat of eternal damnation, I might have done it. But there I was talking about it with a friend, and it felt awesome to finally be able to share my thoughts with someone. Cam and I started to become more than friends. I mean, we didn’t do… you know… it, but we did other stuff and I liked it. A LOT.

The weekend after we moved into the new house no one was home except me and Scotty. We were alone together for the first time ever, we went to breakfast, just the two of us. When we got to the cafe, he asked me how I was really doing. His question was sincere. He noticed me acting distant and really wanted to help. So, I told him that I missed my friends, and mom, and home, and… well I told him how I was struggling to reconcile what I was raised to believe about homosexuals with my current living situation; I wasn’t that eloquent about it, but Scotty understood what I meant. He listened to me and seemed to empathize with my situation. He shared his views with me and made me examine my beliefs about god, homosexuality, religion, etc. We had an adult conversation about all of it, I had never done that before. I had always just been told what to believe by the adults in my life, and I didn’t dare question it. Scotty was interested in my opinion, and he openly shared his. He told me straight out that he didn’t know all the answers. I appreciated his honesty. He understood my struggle and offered to help me find a church. Wow! I was blown away. I knew what he and Brad thought about religion, but he was still willing to help me. He even got into a fight with Brad over it (and I had NEVER seen them fight before), but that didn’t stop him from helping me. He really cared about me and wanted me to be happy. That’s when I decided he was a good guy, and I could trust him. I was immediately comfortable around him.

The next day we went to church with his friends Mauricio and Darren. Yup. I went to church with homosexuals! The preacher didn’t claim to know everything about god. She (yes, I said SHE. At my church back home women weren’t allowed to be preachers) didn’t preach about damnation, instead she just talked to us all like we were trying to figure out the truth together. I liked that, it made me feel like part of something bigger and less alone. Mauricio was… well… flaming. There’s no better word. He was very obviously gay and made no apologies about it. I admired his strength and confidence. He and I started going to church together, and we talk a lot about god and religion. He never judged me and always made me tell him why I thought what I did, he didn’t just let me say things without backing up my statements. He made me think through the role god and religion would play in my life. I never met anyone else like him… Father would’ve hated him.

After church that day we met Brad, Kev, and Randy at the café for brunch. I was so comfortable around all these guys that I decided to come out to them. I even told them that I liked Cam. I didn’t plan it, it just happened. I think they were all shocked. But they supported me and used words like “proud” and “brave.” It felt great to just have it out there and not have to hide it anymore! So great in fact, that at dinner that night I came out to Brian and Eli. No. More. Lies. And. Secrets. Period. My whole belief system had been built on lies and secrets. I had been lied to my entire life and I was done with that crap.

When we got home from dinner at Kev’s that night, I went over to Cam’s house and told him that I came out. “It’s so awesome you did that!” He said Just as his dad and mom walked into the room with big smiles, and his dad asked, “did what?” Came smiled and I knew what he was thinking, but before I could stop him, he said “Seth came out.” His parents looked shocked. Before they could respond he said “I’m gay too, and I like him” he motioned towards me with his head. This time they looked shocked, but not shocked at the same time.

I had come out to a bunch of gay guys; I knew what they’d think. Cam just came out to his straight parents… I had no clue how they’d react. But he said it and there was no turning back. His parents seemed surprised, but very cool about it. Later that night his parents, Brad, and Scotty sat down and talked to us. They set some ground rules, but they were supportive and fair.

Well, that was several months ago. Since then, things have been going great! I’m still seeing Cam, I love my job, and this weekend my mom is coming for the big graduation party. Now back to the story. I was sitting in Cam’s car watching a bunch of hot, shirtless gay guys work and had just told him I was thinking of coming out to my mother.

“You sure that’s a smart idea?” Cam asked with his eyebrow raised looking cute as hell. “She’s a Jesus freak.”

“Yeah, but she’s fine with Brad and Scotty” I said. We talked about it for a while and Cam was dead set against it. He made me promise to talk to Brad before I did anything. I promised, then kissed him goodbye and got out of the car watching him pull out of our drive and into his.

That night after dinner Brad was sitting alone at the Island in the kitchen doing some work on his computer. “Hey Brad, can I talk to you a minute?”

“Sure buddy, what’s up?” he asked as he shut his laptop and gave me his full attention.

“I’m gonna come out to mom when she’s here.” I said in a very matter-of-fact tone and waited for a reaction.

He was slow to respond, I could tell he was thinking. “Are you sure that’s a good idea?”

I didn’t hesitate with my answer “Absolutely! I don’t want to have to pretend while she’s here. Besides, she’s fine with you and Scotty.”

“She’s never even met Scotty. She talked to him once on the phone and it was extremely uncomfortable. She’s accepted our situation, but I don’t think she’s fine with anything” he said. We went back and forth for about twenty minutes with him trying to talk me out of it and me standing my ground. “You know I’m not going to tell you what to do, but I don’t think you’re going to get the response you’re expecting, and I just don’t want to see you get hurt” he said ending the conversation. Brad hadn’t been around her for a couple of years… I knew her better. I was the baby of the family and my mother, and I had a special relationship. He was wrong on this one.

Brad picked my mother and two sisters up from the airport on Friday while I was at work. I got home before they did, and we were all at the house when they arrived. It was a great reunion! We were all genuinely happy to see each other. Scotty was working in the kitchen getting dinner ready. “Mother, this is Scotty, my husband” Brad said introducing the two.

Scotty was charming and everyone loved him, he turned and gave her a huge smile.

“It’s wonderful to finally meet you Mrs. Westin” he said as he leaned in to hug her. She pulled back and pushed him away from the stove. She grabbed the wooden spoon from his hand and started stirring the pot he was tending and threw in some random spices.

“So, you’re Scott” she said in a cold voice as she looked at the pot on the stove and adjusted the burner temperature. No “nice to meet you” or “thank you for taking care of my sons” or any other pleasantry. Her words seemed polite, but they came out as obligatory and cold at best. For the next couple of days Mother was wonderful to us all, except for Scotty. Her demeanor changed completely when he walked into the room. She seemed to have a problem with his mere existence in the house… HIS house. Maybe she wasn’t fine with this. But I knew she’d be fine with me... I was her baby.

Saturday came and the party was incredible. The house had never looked so beautiful and was filled with people. All of our friends, Mom and Pop Nicholl’s (Scotty’s parents), Brian’s bosses, our neighbors, pretty much everyone we knew came to support Brian. Brad and Scotty went all out. They even built a small stage in the backyard so Brian and Theresa could walk up, get their diplomas, and make speeches. This was a huge deal for Brian since he finished his last semester virtually and didn’t have a ceremony. It was an incredible party, and the emotions were flowing.

Finally, my mother came up to me and said “I haven’t had a chance to just sit and talk with you, honey. How are your doing?” We sat down on a couple of patio chairs near the pool and talked.

“I’m doing awesome momma.” And then I blabbered on about my job, my church, my friend Cam, how awesome Brad and Scotty were, how excited I was to get back to school in the fall, etc. five months of my life summed up in about five minutes. Sure, I called her and texted her a lot, but this was the first face-to-face conversation in months, and I didn’t hold back. She just looked at me and listened with a warm smile on her face. It felt so good to just talk to her. I was feeling comfortable and decided to go for it “I want to be 100% honest with you, Momma” I was going to come out to her right there.

“Of course, that’s how it should be honey” she said still smiling warmly.

“Well… I’m gay.” There. I said it with an expectant smile on my face waiting for her to tell me I was brave, and she was proud of me like everyone else had done.

The smile left her face, and she was expressionless. “Oh. That’s nice dear. I think I need a refill” she said holding up her empty lemonade glass. Then she got up and just left me sitting there alone. As she exited the backyard she walked past Brad, Scotty, and Mom Nicholl’s who were standing a few feet away. I heard her say to Brad and Scotty “You were supposed to protect him from your father, not convert him.”

I just sat there… crushed.

To be continued…

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Hey all, I'm sorry about the longer wait for this chapter. Sadly, my computer died and with it all my files, including my stories. I had several chapters ready to post, but I lost them all. They're working on data recovery but it will take several weeks if it's even possible at all. In the meantime I'm trying to rewrite the chapters I lost. Here's the first one I was able to complete. thanks for your patience