Adulting

Chip’s story

Mardi Gras weekend was beyond my wildest expectations, so much wild sex! I had only one regret; I let my boss fuck me. Shit, I gave into my lust and put everything I had worked for in jeopardy. I moved my entire life here for this job and I risked it all for a hot foursome. Kirk could fire me in a heartbeat and that scared me. Alec spent all day Sunday trying to reassure me that Kirk wouldn’t do that, but as much as I trusted Alec, I knew he gave into his drunken lust too and was trying to make himself feel better about it. We didn’t use our best judgment on this one and we both knew it. I needed an unbiased opinion but couldn’t talk to Dad or Brendan about it… they would shit if they knew I let Kirk fuck me. I finally called Scotty but he wasn’t much of a comfort. Although he told me he thought everything would work out fine, he also told me I was a dumbass for fucking my boss. Scotty never held back, that’s why he’s my best friend.

I dreaded Monday morning, but it came anyway and I had to face my boss for the first time since letting him fuck me. Shit, I hope I didn’t fuck up my life. Kirk called me into his office first thing in the morning and when I entered he was sitting at the small table in the corner with Hilda from HR. FUCK! I WAS GETTING FIRED.

“Good Morning, Chip. I hope you had a good weekend.” Kirk said as reviewed the contents of a manila file-folder, then he slipped it over to Hilda. She sat by his side rummaging through it, looked up briefly and gave me a smile. “I was just looking at your account projections for the next two quarters. Based on your numbers I have made a decision” he said. SHIT! He’s making up some reason to fire me, I thought to myself and braced myself for the worst. “We need to expand your team by two more people. These projections are way beyond expectations and you’ll need more bandwidth to handle the extra work.” He looked up at me and asked “How real are these projections?”

I was totally caught off guard. I really thought I was getting fired, my heart was still beating hard and fast. “Um… very” I finally uttered regaining my composure. “Everything is based on projects that have been discussed with the clients, scheduled, and approved. The clients have signed off on all estimates and I lowered the projections by 10% to allow for any project cancellations since I am scheduling things as far as six months out. Reality is that the numbers should be quite a bit bigger because there are several other projects being discussed that have not been included because they’re still in the ‘maybe’ phase” I said sounding on top of things.

“That’s awesome!” Kirk said

“You’ll need these” Hilda said pushing the file folder over to me “These are resumes of qualified candidates for the two positions. We need to add two account coordinators. Read over the job descriptions and then try to tailor them to the specific account needs, I’ll send you the word doc and you can make any changes directly to that. Try to review the resumes and update the job descriptions by Friday.” She looked up and smiled “I’m here if you need any help” she said as she got up and left the meeting.

Kirk looked at me and said “Are you okay, Chip? You look like you’re about to pass out.”

I looked at him in total embarrassment and decided to just say it “Kirk, I thought you were going to fire me because of this weekend.” He laughed out loud.

“Really? I told you that I keep my work life and sex separate.” He said then laughed again

“I was nervous about the whole thing to begin with, then you call me into your office first thing in the morning… you NEVER do that. And then Hilda from HR is here. Oh my god I was crapping myself.” I said animated as hell.

Kirk laughed out loud, truly amused by my paranoia. “Shit, it never occurred to me that you were worried about it. I told you it wasn’t a problem. I would’ve never had Hilda sitting here if I knew what you were thinking” he was still chuckling. “Chip, I may be a bit of a slut, but I’m a business man first, and you’re good for business.” I felt better… stupid as fuck, but better. Kirk found the whole thing hilarious and I was just relieved that I was worried about nothing.

After my meeting with Kirk I called Alec and told him. He started laughing “I’m happy that’s settled” Alec said “I was hoping for a repeat with him and Rickey someday.”

I couldn’t even think about that yet and just replied “too soon.” Honestly, the incident with Kirk made me a little gun shy about casual sex. I was living in a smaller city now. I knew more people, and the chances of me running into someone I knew, or who had connections to me through work, or my dad, or friends were much greater than when I was in Colorado. I wasn’t as anonymous here and had to be more careful. I also got to thinking about Alec’s role in all this. In the beginning he wanted it to be just us but went along for the ride to make me happy and he kept telling me the he wanted it eventually to just be the two of us. However, he hadn’t said that lately and it seemed that we had sex with others more than we did with just the two of us, not less. Lately it was more like he was driving the playing with others train and I was the one along for the ride.

My career was taking off, I was living among family and friends, and I had a guy I loved and was sure he loved me too. Maybe it was time to focus on all of that. Sex with Alec was awesome… it could be enough for me. As much as I loved our sessions with other guys, it was Alec being there that made it hot. I started to wonder if he still wanted to work towards “just us.” I was starting to think I wanted to be exclusive with Alec and no one else. I didn’t act on those thoughts yet, but they were definitely top of mind.

For the next couple of weeks I buried myself in my work. We spent our nights together and had sex every few days. We didn’t go out much because I always had work to do, and Alec had started picking up extra shifts because they were short staffed at work.

It was a Saturday night and I was home working on a strategy plan for one of my clients and waiting for Alec to come home when Dad called.

“Hey Chipper, it’s Dad”

“Hey Dad, what’s up?” I asked as I continued to work on my plan.

“I have some bad news” he said then paused, “Grandpa Jack passed away today.” Grandpa Jack was my mother’s dad and a big part of my life growing up. I instantly got choked up.

“What happened? I just saw him last weekend at your party. He seemed fine.” I was blindsided. Grandpa Jack was in his early seventies and seemed perfectly healthy, he and grandma Shirley were extremely active.

“He had a heart attack while working in the yard earlier today. Grandma Shirley called 911 but he was gone before the paramedics even got there” Dad said. We were both sobbing. Even though my mom abandoned us, Grandpa Jack and Grandma Shirley never did. They helped Dad fix up the house to make sure I had a safe place to live, and took care of me regularly so Dad could have a break once in a while. All my grandparents played a big role in my life and now Grandpa Jack was gone.

“Grandma is working on the funeral arrangements and will keep us posted. Maybe you should go see her” he suggested.

“I’ll call her when I hang up and go see her in the morning” I said. I hung up the phone and took a couple of minutes to process the news and compose myself before calling my grandma Shirley.

I dialed the number, it rang a few times and then she picked up. They still had a landline with a wall-phone in the kitchen “Hello” She said in a winded voice.

“Hi Grandma, it’s Chipper” I said “Dad told me about grandpa Jack. I’m so sorry?”

“Me too honey, I know you loved him” She said.

“Do you need anything Grandma?” I asked. She asked if I would go to church with her in the morning since she always went with him and didn’t want to go alone “Of course!” I told her and agreed to pick her up at 8:30 before I hung up.

All I could think about was Grandpa Jack’s death and Grandma Shirley being alone now. Honestly, all my grandparents seemed so young and alive to me that I hadn’t thought about any of them dying, I was totally blindsided. I put my work aside for the night and took a walk down the block to the convenience store on the corner and bought a pack of Marlboro Reds, Grandpa Jack’s brand. I went back to my place and sat on the balcony smoking Marlboro Reds, drinking Wild Turkey straight-up (his favorite), and thinking about all the good times we had and all the incredible things they had done for me. I had left the sliding glass door open just a little so I could hear Alec come in after work. I was about four cigarettes and six fingers of whiskey into it when I heard him yell my name from the living room.

“I’m out on the Balcony” I yelled back in a monotone voice as I hugged my knees and took a big drag of the cigarette.

“Hey” Alec said in a quiet, almost cautious tone “Are you out here smoking? You don’t smoke.”

“Nope I don’t. I don’t drink Wild Turkey either, but Grandpa Jack did.” I said staring into the night “And he died today, so I decided I would smoke and drink for him.” I said.

“Oh Chip, I am so sorry” Alec said as he bent down to hug me. “What happened?! We just saw him at your Dad’s a week ago.”

I filled him in on what I knew, then held up the pack of smokes and said “Care to join me?” He nodded and went into the kitchen to grab a glass for the whiskey, I had the bottle sitting next to me on the balcony.

When he came back he pulled the other chair right next to mine, poured himself three fingers of Whiskey and lit a cigarette. He held the glass in his left hand and the cigarette in his right… he draped his right hand around my shoulder, held his Wild Turkey to the sky and said “rest in peace Grandpa Jack.” I held my glass in the air and laid my head on his broad shoulder and sobbed myself quietly to sleep.

I have no clue how long I was asleep out there when Alec shook me awake and whispered “Hey Sleeping Beauty, It’s cold out here, let’s go to bed.” I got up, he held onto my hand and pulled me into the condo and into the bathroom. “Did you eat dinner?” He asked.

“Nope. I’m not hungry.” I said as he walked out of the bathroom.

“Get ready for bed, I’ll clean up the balcony and lock everything up.” I finished brushing my teeth, stripped naked and crawled into my bed. A few minutes later I heard him in the bathroom brushing his teeth. When he finished he stripped, got under the covers and spooned me. I fell asleep in his arms and we stayed like that until my alarm went off at 7:30. “Why did you set your alarm, It’s Sunday morning” Alec said still holding me.

“I promise Grandma Shirley I’d take her to church this morning” I said as I sat up and rubbed my eyes. The bedroom wreaked like Marlboro Reds.

“I’ll get up and go with you” Alec offered.

“Thanks, but I want to be alone with her. Why don’t you just meet us for breakfast with Dad and Brendon afterwards?” Alec nodded. I got showered, and put on a black suit and with purple tie. Grandma dressed very formal for church, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t have a splash of color.

I got to her house at exactly 8:30. Their place was really cute, and just about a mile or so away. Everything was perfection… it always was. They had lived there forever. Grandma was happy to see me but anxious to get to church so we left the house quickly. She went to a Lutheran church near downtown St Louis.

She fixed my hair as we walked up the steps to the beautiful, old church. When we entered she was the center of attention. Everyone had heard about Grandpa Jack and they all gathered around us. She was comforted by the attention of her friends, she was also very quick to show off her “handsome grandson.” My cheeks were red from getting pinched all morning, but it was worth it to see the look of pride replace the sadness on Grandma’s face. Church went by slowly, it had been a while since I had gone to a service. At the end they prayed for Grandpa Jack while Grandma Shirley squeezed my hand tightly. Afterwards we mingled with the parishioners again and then we went to meet Dad, Brendon, and Alec for breakfast.

At breakfast she was acting strange and nervous. I know Grandpa just passed, but it was something else. Dad and I exchanged glances, he noticed is too.

“Grandma, are you oaky?” I asked.

She hesitated, then gave a weak smile and said “I talked to your mother yesterday.”

The meaning of that took a minute to register. I just never thought about my mother, and if Dad ever mentioned her (which was a rarity) he called her Tara.

Grandma Shirley continued, “She wants to come to the funeral” My heart almost stopped. I hadn’t seen my mother since she abandoned me when I was just a year old. In other words, I had no memory of her whatsoever. She tried to see me a couple of times, but she was struggling with drugs and alcohol and Dad and my grandparents didn’t want to me to see her like that so both times she tried to make contact she was escorted away before we saw each other. “I’ve been in touch with her for several years. She’s been clean and sober since Chip’s high school graduation.”

My mother tried to sneak into my high school graduation, but was escorted out by my grandparents because she was drunk and I barely caught a glimpse of her. Apparently that was a wakeup call for her. Grandma Shirley told us she sobered up, went to trade school and had a good job as a veterinary assistant at a clinic outside of Chicago.

“I told her she could come” Grandma Shirley said looking at me and Dad for a reaction. We were both silent.

“Chip? What are you thinking?” Dad asked. All eyes were on me.

I stirred my coffee and thought about it. “How frank can I be?” I asked my Grandma Shirley trying to be sensitive to the fact that she just lost her husband and I was about to be brutally honest about my feelings towards her daughter.

Grandma looked at me and said “As frank as you want to be. You know I care what you think.”

I sighed “I had almost forgotten she even existed.” There I said it. It was harsh but it was true. I hadn’t seen her since I was one. She was a stranger. Dad was my parents… both of them. Hell, I considered Brendon more of a parent than her. “He was her father, and if she wants to be there, she should be there, but I just think of her as a complete stranger… because that’s what she is to me.”

“Are you going to be okay with her there?” Grandma Shirley asked, “Because if I have to choose Sweet pea, I choose you.”

“You shouldn’t have to choose, I’ll deal with it. It’s been almost twenty five years, I guess it’s time we meet again anyway.” I said trying to be a rational adult. We finished breakfast in silence then I drove her home. When we got to her house she brought it up again and offered to call my mom back and tell her no. I finally convinced her I could handle it.

Over the next few days I spent all of my free time with Grandma Shirley helping her with the funeral arrangements and with little things around the house. I really loved that old woman and enjoyed being around her. I was glad that I lived in town so I could be there for her. So was she. I thought a lot about my mom over those next couple of days, the oddest thing was that I felt nothing. I wasn’t upset that she was coming. I wasn’t excited to see her. I wasn’t even nervous about it. I just didn’t care, it was like a stranger was coming to visit.

The wake was on Wednesday evening, I took the day off to spend with Grandma and we were the first to arrive at the funeral home. The minister from her church was the next guest, he greeted us we said a few prayers together before the other guests filed in. That really meant a lot to Grandma. The place was wall-to-wall flowers, including a beautiful arrangement from Scotty and Brad, another from Kev and Randy, another from their parents, and another from Alec’s moms’. The support was overwhelming. Grandpa Jack had lived in St Louis his whole life and had lots of friends. The place was packed, hundreds of people came in and out and Grandma greeted every one of them. She wanted me by her side, and I wanted Alec by mine. The three of us stood by the entry the entire evening and Grandma introduced us as her grandsons and then bragged about us both to anyone who would listen. Dad, Brendon, my other grandparents, and Alec’s moms’ were gathered across the room talking and greeting people as they filed through to pay their respects.

We were standing there a good hour greeting folks when I saw her in line. Although she left when I was one and I hadn’t really ever seen her, it was very obvious who she was. She was me with breasts! Her build, her movement, her coloring, her facial features, her expressions and gestures… it was undeniable. I turned to Alec and let him know she was coming up, Dad was across the room when he spotted her and motioned to me, I nodded. Lastly, Grandma Shirley saw her in line and whispered “Here comes Tara, it would be okay if you decide to walk away.”

I just squeezed her hand, kissed her cheek and said “I’m good grandma, how ‘bout you?”

“I’m fine honey, here we go” she replied with a brave smile. Tara stepped forward and hugged grandma.

“Hi Mom. I’m so sorry, how are you doing?” she asked sweetly.

“I’m good honey. I’m so happy you came; your father would have been happy” Grandma replied “You look wonderful!”

Then Tara took a step forward towards me and held out her hand “I’m…” then she paused as if she didn’t really know how to identify herself to the son she abandoned almost a quarter of a century ago.

“I know who you are. I’m glad you could make it. It means a lot to grandma and it would have made grandpa happy” I said taking her hand. I noticed I said the same thing to here that I had said to about a hundred other strangers already that evening. She leaned in for a hug, it was a cold hug. I then introduced her to Alec, as I did with the other guests. She shook his hand and moved out of the line, just like a hundred plus other visitors before her. That was it. No emotional, tearful reunion. No apologies or promises to be in touch. Just an obligatory handshake and hug, a smile and done! I saw her walk over to my dad and talk with him and the others. I watched her out of the corner of my eye.

We all entered the room for a quick memorial service. Grandma gave the eulogy. It was very touching and a beautiful tribute to a good man. After the memorial we all just mingled. Tara came up to me, my dad was with her. Alec left my side for the first time that evening and went over by his moms and Brendon.

Tara spoke first “Your dad tells me you’ve moved back to St Louis and are doing quite well. I’m so proud of you.” That hit me. It hit me hard and it hit me very unexpectedly. The ambivalence I had felt was replaced with rage. I did NOT see it coming. Who the fuck was SHE to be proud of ME? She had nothing to do with who I was, she begrudgingly shot me out of her womb then disappeared for a couple of decades. I was fucking livid inside. But somehow I held it together.

“Thank you. It’s nice being home again, closer to dad and grandma” I said sweetly “Can you excuse me for a moment.” I stepped away from them as they both turned to watch where I was going, wondering why I left so suddenly. I headed for the door and moved swiftly toward my car. I got in locked the doors and screamed at the top of my lungs “WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TO BE PROUD OF ME! YOU FUCKING LEFT ME!” and then I broke down into uncontrollable tears and sobs. My heart pounded as a screamed. I saw Alec and Dad coming out of the funeral home towards my car. I started it up and drove away. I didn’t know where I was going, I just had to go. I blasted the stereo as loud as it would go and I hit the gas so hard that the tires squealed and smoked. Alec Ran after the car trying to flag me down, but just stopped and watch me go when I left the parking lot to go god knows where. The car took me home. I ran up six flights of steps to my place, grabbed the bottle of Wild Turkey and the pack of cigarettes and then ran the steps up to the rooftop. The adrenaline was flowing through me, the tears were pouring down my face, my sobs were constant and loud, and my breaths were short and belabored.

Seeing my ‘mother’ (if you can call her that) destroyed me inside. It was inexplainable to me! I had felt nothing toward this person. Not a damn thing. Until… until she said she was proud of me. What the fuck gave her the right to show up almost 25 years later and take credit for.. for… for ANYTHING! She had no right. If anything Dad and my grandparents should be proud, and yet I felt like I was a constant let down to them. They never made me feel that way, But I did. No matter what I had achieved in life, or how put together I may have looked to the outside word, I knew that inside I was just a little cumdump craving the attention of any guy who would give it to me.

I sat on the roof basking in my own inadequacies for about an hour when the elevator door opened. There was Alec, backlit by the light by the glow of the elevator. His hair was blowing in the breeze as he walked towards me. Damn he was sexy, I wondered when he would get tired of me too and leave. He sat next to me. I took a swig of the Wild Turkey from the bottle (I had no need for a glass tonight) and offered it to him. He took the bottle and set it down. He picked up his phone, sent a text, then looked at me and simply said “I love you, Chip.” I didn’t respond, I just stared into the night like a fucking zombie.

The elevator door opened again and out walked Dad. Alec got up and left as Dad walked toward me to take over the seat Alec had vacated. The two touched each other on the shoulder as they passed. Alec had obviously texted him to let him know where I was. “I got your grandmother home safely” he said, “she’s worried about you. We all are.”

“I’m Sorry” Was all I could muster up through my sobs.

He looked at the bottle of Wild Turkey on the table and the pack of Marlboro Red’s next to them and said, “Grandpa Jack’s favorites. I’ll miss him” then he paused. He was staring at me and I was staring straight ahead. “I heard it too you know” Dad said. I didn’t respond “I heard what she said and I saw your face drop when she said it.” He waited in again for a response that never came. “I why you're upset. But in all fairness, she played a huge role in your existence.”

“But you’re the one who gets credit! You get to be proud of me, not her. You stuck by me. You sacrificed your happiness to raise me.” I said.

“Are you fucking nuts, Chip?!” He said, as both of us stared into the darkness, making no eye contact. He grabbed a cigarette from the pack and lit it. I took a swig from the bottle then handed it to him. He did the same.

“Is that what you think? that I sacrificed my happiness?” he paused “You ARE my happiness you little shit. You are the best thing that ever could have happened to me and I consider it a blessing that I got to raise you, watch you grow, teach you, be there for you, and now be your friend. I am so damn proud of you.” He said with great emotion. "Tara should be pitied. She missed out on almost twenty five years of incredible joy.”

“She sure as fuck didn’t seem to know that” I said

“For a college graduate you’re pretty freaking stupid, Chip.” He said taking a drag from the cigarette “why the fuck do you think she’s spent most of her life in and out of rehab? Why do you think she snuck into your tenth birthday party and your high school graduation? She knows exactly what she missed and it tears her up inside. Cutting you out of her life has made her a hot mess.”

I finally stopped staring into space and looked over at Dad. That was it. I lost all control. Over two decades of abandonment issues and believing I wasn’t worth loving all just poured out. I was crying, my chest was pounding, my skin felt hot, I wanted to put my fist through a wall. Hurt, loneliness, inadequacy, self-loathing, hatred of a mother I didn’t know, and a million other feelings shot through every pour of my being.

Dad Hugged me tight but my chest was heaving so much he could barely hold on, I was inconsolable. I sat there hugging my dad, crying uncontrollably until I fell asleep.

##

“So are you guys getting settled in your new place?” He asked with genuine interest, as he always did.

“Yes and we love it!” I replied

“I’m sure Scotty’s loving the yard! Your Dad must be beside himself with the three of you living right next door.”

“He already put a gate in between the yards to let Scotty over. He loves his grand-dog” I said.

“You seem happy” Dr. Silver said. “That’s a major improvement from where you were when you first walked into my office a few months ago. But what do YOU think?”

After meeting my mother I lost it. I was a fucking emotional mess and finally decided I couldn’t do it alone and needed professional help. I’ve been seeing Dr. Silver weekly and he’s changed my world. He’s helped me see my self-worth, understand myself, and most of all love myself.

Alec and I have been taking care of Grandma Shirley and my mother has made a true effort to help us, so I see her regularly. I better understand her now and realize that she didn’t abandon me because of me, she had her own demons. I doubt we’ll ever be close, but at least she’s less of a stranger.

Alec and I decided to move in together. We lived in his place for a couple of months but decided to buy something bigger and rent his place out. Nikki and a couple of her friends moved in. After she dumped Marty’s ass she decided to move out of her mom’s place and have a little fun. Alec and I bought the house right next to Dad and Brendon. It’s a big, beautiful place and we’ve been renovating it from top to bottom. It’s going to be the never-ending project and we love it! We also adopted a sweet boxer, he’s solid as a rock and so much fun to be with… I named him Scotty. Scotty laughed when I told him, but promised revenge. All and all life has been pretty sweet.

As I twirled my engagement ring absent-mindedly, I thought about Dr. Silver’s question and simply answered “I AM happy. I’m happier than I’ve ever been!” And I finally believed that I deserved it. 

The end of Chip’s story for now. Scotty’s story to be continued…