Jason’s Journey

He had managed to avoid him since they had parted after their weekend away despite the business connections that still bound them together. The loss and shock he felt when Mark had driven away and abandoned him had slowly given way to anger and resentment. He felt used and for reasons he couldn’t explain, dirty. What he was absolutely certain of was that having given himself and his love to two men in his short life he was never going to let it happen again. The way he saw things was simple, the first man he’d loved had walked away and left him behind without a second thought. The second, who he had given everything to, including his virginity, had used him for his own pleasure and when he had tired of him had thrown him away like a used tissue. In his mind he didn’t remember the way he had left Pete without any explanation and he could no longer hear the words of love and the pain in his voice when Mark had tried to explain why he had to stop seeing him.

Over the last two months his family and friends had seen a change in him. He became distant, hard hearted and very short tempered. All his energy was focused on the garage and car-lot with it not being unusual for him to work six sometimes seven days a week and for over twelve hours each day. He began to lose weight and always looked tired. The person most concerned about him was his mum. Mary Lord had been married to Frank for twenty three years and in all that time had never openly crossed him or undermined his authority except when it came to her son. Mary had sensed when he was a youngster that he wasn’t as tough and “manly” as her husband was bringing him up to be and throughout Jason’s life she had made very sure that he knew all the alternatives to the life his father expected of him. It was from his mum that he learned humility and patience, along with tolerance and love for others. If Frank was aware of his wife’s interference in the grooming and education of his son, he chose never to say anything, content that what he saw showed him that Jason was becoming the man he wanted him to be. So when Mary broached the subject of Jason’s odd behaviour, although he too had noticed it, he preferred to ignore it. As far as he was concerned, men didn’t do emotions and his wife should leave things be. But Mary wasn’t about to sit back and watch her beloved son suffer. She decided that if no one else would grasp the nettle then she had better do so.

She organised a day for Jason to travel with her to Manchester to do some shopping. It was something they both enjoyed and did together several times a year. They travelled there and back by train, had lunch at one of three restaurants they liked and always spent far too much money on things neither of them really needed. As was usual Mary booked a taxi to take them from home to the station and had reserved two first class seats with breakfast on the train. Nine o’clock on a Tuesday morning saw them sitting in the dining car on the 9:15 “Blackburn to Manchester, stopping at all stations,” to order their breakfasts. As the waiter turned to leave their table after taking their order Mary pointedly watched his pert bottom bounce down the carriage. ‘He’s got a bum you could bite that one. What do you think?’  Caught off guard and not thinking about his actions, Jason instinctively turned in his seat to watch the departing bottom.

‘Yeah, like a nice juicy app………..’ He looked back at his mum in horror, his mouth hanging open.

‘I’d close that love before flies fly in.’ He snapped his jaw closed then looked at his hands and started to fiddle with the cutlery. ‘And you can stop behaving like a little boy who’s been caught wit his hand in the sweety jar as well.’ Her voice softened as she reached across the table and took hold of his hand. ‘Jason I’m your mother and I know you better than you know yourself. Tell me what’s happened love, please.’ He sat motionless and she saw tears forming in his eyes. ‘Alright love, I’ll start shall I?’ Jason looked up at his mum’s face and seeing nothing but love and concern coming from her deep blue eyes he nodded and slumped back into his seat. Mary knew she would have to be very careful if she wasn’t to scare her little boy, but also that she had to extract the truth from him. A truth she had long suspected. Just as she was about to start the waiter arrived with their food. It took a few minutes for him to serve them with all they had ordered and Mary used the time to marshal her thoughts, so that when they were left alone again she was feeling more confident. Her opening salvo was not what Jason had expected.

‘Do you ever hear from that nice boy you used to play with on the moors? The one who’s father used to beat him. He went to university didn’t he?’ She poured them both tea. ‘Such a terrible thing, a parent abusing their child because of what they are.’ Jason almost dropped his cup and choked on the piece of toast he had just taken a bite of. ‘I think the term they use nowadays is Gay isn’t it? Poor boy.’ She looked her son straight in the eyes, ‘You were very fond of him weren’t you? I know you missed him when he left. You made yourself quite ill over the whole thing.’

‘How did you? ……. I mean, well, what are you asking mum?’

‘Eat your breakfast before it gets cold.’ Mary watched her son closely as he attempted to eat. She could see that beneath the surface he was panicking. She decided to change gear. ‘What do you think of Alice, Mr and Mrs Brown’s daughter? You met her last week didn’t you?’ She saw the look of panic increase. ‘She seems a very nice girl, you could do a lot worse.’ Jason lost his fight and gave in to the tears he had tried so hard to deny himself for the last two months. Mary’s heart ached for him. ‘Come on love. Leave this lot, neither of us wants it. Lets go back to our seats.’ She took hold of Jason’s elbow and steered him out of the dining car back to their carriage. She thanked God it was one of the old fashioned type with two lots of seats facing each other behind sliding doors with the carriage corridor running down its side. ‘Sit down.’ She pulled the blinds down over the windows facing into the corridor and slipped the lock on the door.

Sitting in the chair next to her now sobbing son, Mary wrapped her arms around him and pulled him into her motherly bosom. For the first time since Mark had driven away, Jason felt safe and loved again. Mary held him close and allowed him to cry until the train began to slow down as it arrived at Manchester Piccadilly. She gently took hold of his chin and lifted his face up towards her. She kissed his forehead and smiled at him as she said ‘well you do look a bloody mess don’t you? Snot and tears everywhere.’ She laughed as she jokingly added, ‘I’ll bet you’ve ruined this blouse. I suppose I shall just have to buy a new one. Never mind, your father can afford it.’ Despite himself Jason couldn’t help but smile.

‘Buy two mum. You’re worth it.’ He fished a handkerchief out of his pocket, wiped his face and blew his nose, ‘is that better?’

‘Yes love, you’ll do.’ Again she took his elbow and guided him from the carriage, off the train and down the platform to the exit. ‘Now I’m sure that there’s a park near here……. Oh that’s even better, come on lets get a nice cup of tea at that little café over there.’ In Mary’s world strong sweet tea was a panacea for all of life’s trials and tribulations, in her opinion if world leaders were to sit down over tea and biscuits and relax and chat rather than attend these big flashy summits where no one really spoke to anyone, we would all be happier. The café had a small garden at the rear so that was where she directed her son after she had ordered the tea. They found a table right at the back of the garden surrounded by yellow roses and pink clematis. Mary waited to continue their talk until after the tea had arrived and they both had a cup of it in front of them. She came straight to the point. ‘What’s his name then? This man who’s broken your heart?’ Jason knew when he was beaten and if truth were told he felt relief that he could finally talk to someone about how he felt.

‘Mark. His name is Mark.’

‘Do I know him?’

Jason sighed deeply, ‘Yes mum you do.’ He saw her mind ticking over as she ran the name through it to identify his ex-lover. He saw her eyes focus as she frowned and turned to look at him.

‘The only Mark I know is that chap at the insurance company. Trackit or something isn’t it?’

‘Travis mum. Mark Travis. And yes he’s the one.’

‘So you are Gay then?’ her tone was kind and loving. ‘I don’t care if you are or not love. I just want to see you happy. And I know that’s a cliché but it’s what any mum wants for her children isn’t it? Well, isn’t it?’

He nodded and smiled at her. ‘Thanks mum. I love you.’

‘And I love you too Jason.’ She reached over and squeezed his arm. ‘Do you want to tell me what’s happened to make you so miserable? I might not be able to do anything but it can help to talk and share a problem.’ So for the next hour and over two pots of tea, Jason told his mum everything he had hidden about himself since he had lost Pete and met Mark. Mary said little as her son poured his heart out to her, only asking the occasional question if she felt he needed a prompt to continue. As she listened her anger at the fact that Jason was having to hide his true self grew along with a sadness for him with the acknowledgement that he was right, he couldn’t tell his father and the world. If he did every certainty in his life would be swept away. She knew her husband would never accept a homosexual son, he would disown or kill him before allowing a stain like that to tarnish his family. She was also incredibly angry with this Mark Travis chap who had obviously used her son for his own gratification only to fall in love with him and then leave him vulnerable and broken to protect his own skin. She would deal with him in her own good time. Right now she needed to help her son repair.

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The house sharing was going reasonably well for both of them. In the main, Jason was out at work all day while Marvin’s activities were more weighted towards the evenings. It was only at the weekend that they saw each other for any length of time and since their near intimacy on the afternoon following their house warming party they had avoided both the subject and any further circumstances that could lead to a repeat. It was obvious to them both however that they needed to address the issue as it was having a negative impact on their relationship. They no longer went to the gym together, very rarely ate at home together and only met at the office to discuss or settle any outstanding business. Jason in particular could see that if they didn’t speak soon irreparable damage could be done to their friendship. He remembered how his mum had tackled him head on about Mark all those years ago and that while the outcome may not have been ideal it at least helped him over the next couple of years. He decided to act.

He picked up the phone and dialled the number for Toby’s Rolls. Marvin answered on the third ring.

‘Good afternoon, Lord Maidenhead’s car.’

‘Hello Lord Maidenhead’s car, Jason here. Please can I talk to Marvin your chauffeur?’ he was determined to keep the conversation as upbeat and cheerful as possible. From the response it sounded like Marvin was having a good day.

‘One moment please and I’ll connect you,’ Marvin proceeded to make whirring and clicking noises as he pretended to be a switchboard! ‘Marvin speaking.’

‘If anyone heard you just then they’d assume you were bonkers.’

‘Well I must be – I live with you!’ Marvin laughed. ‘What can I do for you mate?’

‘This morning you said you’d be home this evening didn’t you?’

‘Yes, why?’

‘Do you fancy home made steak and kidney pudding for dinner? I’m cooking..’ He detected a slight pause before Marvin answered.

‘Can we have chips with it? And greens. And don’t forget the gravy.’

‘Chips in the freezer, greens in the fridge, gravy on the stove ready.’

‘I’ll grab a bottle of red on my way home. WolfBlass ok?’

‘Perfect, a Shiraz would work well, or the Cabernet Sauvignon.’

‘Picked up some good resin earlier as well. If you’re interested.’

‘Maybe. But I’m not sure we should be talking about that on Toby’s car phone.’

‘Mmm, you’re probably right. And after what almost happened the last time we got stoned it’s probably not a good idea anyway.’

‘Yes well. That’s another reason for dinner tonight Marve. We need to talk.’ Again there was a long pause before Marvin answered.

‘Yeah we do. You’re right. See you about six then. I’ll get away early.’

‘Okay, bye.’

Both men spent the next four hours keeping busy trying not to overthink what they wanted to say to the other later on. Marvin got back home at just after six and the gloriously delicious smell of steak and kidney assailed his nostrils the moment he stepped through the door. Jason was a damn good cook and he had been looking forward to eating since receiving the call from him earlier.

‘Hi honey. I’m home. Something smells good.’

‘In the kitchen sweetness. Dinner in an hour.’ The playful greetings hadn’t been used since the ‘almost’ kiss and it boded well for the evening that they were being their old relaxed selves with each other. Marvin took the wine into the kitchen and surprised Jason with a bunch of lilies he had grabbed at the same time as the wine. ‘Thanks Marvin, no one ever buys me flowers.’

‘I bought them for the house. Why would I buy you flowers?’

‘Because you love me and I’ve cooked dinner for you. You miserable sod.’ They both laughed and Jason began to put the flowers in a vase. ‘Why don’t you go shower while I finish off here. Everything should be done when your washed and changed.’

‘So you don’t want to smoke this yet then?’ Marvin held up an enormous spliff. ‘Barry rolled one of his specials for me.’

‘It looks more like a tampon than a joint. And no, let’s have that after we’ve eaten.’ Marvin shrugged and headed upstairs to shower and change.

Jason had been accurate in his estimation that dinner would be ready when he came back down stairs and he was just laying the cutlery on the table when Marvin walked into the kitchen.

‘Anything you want me to do?’

‘You can open the wine if you like. I’ll serve up.’ Dinner was as delicious and filling as Marvin had expected. As they ate they chatted about everyday things from Liz’s new hair style to what cars to buy to add to the escort/chauffeur agency’s fleet. They agreed on Bentleys. They cleared away and moved into the den. Even before he had sat down Marvin had lit the monster spliff he had shown Jason earlier. He inhaled a lungful of the drug and tobacco smoke, held it for a couple of minutes then slowly exhaled. Almost immediately he felt himself become light headed. He sat down heavily and offered the joint to Jason. He shook his head, ‘you can give me a blow-back though to begin. That should knock me out if the smell from that thing is anything to go by.’ He sat next to Marvin who took a drag on the spliff. This time he didn’t inhale but held the smoke in his mouth. Jason brought his lips to within a millimetre of Marvin’s and began to breathe the potent smoke from Marvin’s mouth deep into his lungs. He held it deep then quietly exhaled. They repeated the process twice more but on the final exchange their lips actually touched and neither man pulled away. Slowly the pressure they were exerting on each other’s mouths increased and they shared a gentle kiss.

They broke apart and Marvin fell back into the sofa. For the next half hour or so they wordlessly shared the joint, deciding not to smoke it all at once. As they settled back and relaxed Marvin held his arm out to Jason, who accepted the invitation and nestled against him with his head on his shoulder.’ ‘Seems I’m saying sorry again mate. I’ve been a complete arse to you since…. you know..’

‘It’s okay. How you feeling now?’ Jason absentmindedly played with the fingers on Marvin’s hand.

‘Honestly?’

‘Of course.’

Marvin took a deep breath to steady his nerves. ‘Okay, now this isn’t the dope talking alright? I’ve been thinking about this since it almost happened.’ He brought his free hand to the side of Jason’s face and started to stroke the cheek with a finger. ‘It’s something we both need to want, but I was hoping you’d give us a try.’ He felt a momentary stiffening run though Jason. ‘Only if you want to.’

‘And if I don’t want to?’

‘Then why are we sitting like this?’ Jason began to kiss the tips of each finger on the hand he held.

‘Because’ kiss, ‘I don’t want’ kiss, ‘to not want to.’ Kiss. It took some time for Marvin to work out what Jason had just said. All the while his fingers were being kissed and sucked and gently bitten.

‘Is that a yes then?’

‘Yes. I think we should try too.’

‘Try to what?’

‘No stupid. I said I think we should try too. As in give us a go – like you said.’

‘I’m confused.’

‘Hello confused, I’m Jason. Will you kiss me please?’

‘With pleasure.’ Neither man moved. The joint had completely taken hold and both of them sat immobile as the minutes ticked by.

‘Well, are you going to kiss me or what? I knew we shouldn’t have smoked that joint. I’m fucked.’

‘You will be if I can remember how to move my arms and legs.’ Marvin started to giggle, Jason joined in. Soon they were crying with laughter trying to find the energy and ability to sit up. Jason succeeded first and he turned to face Marvin who managed to move far enough for their lips to meet. It was a tentative first kiss, almost chaste in nature. Neither of them wanted to frighten the other by rushing and seeming to be too eager. Plus, Jason hadn’t had sex with a man for over ten years so was nervous and hesitant. The kiss ended and they sat back looking at each other. Both had noticed the others bulging groin and both wanted to continue but neither of them moved. It was Marvin who again broke the silence.

‘I don’t know about you but I feel like an awkward teenager.’ He smiled and put his hand on the back of Jason’s head pulling him into another kiss. He made this one firmer playfully licking and nibbling Jason’s lips, encouraging him to do the same. Their need for one another began to take over and the kiss became more urgent and aggressive. Their tongues fought back and forth, twisting round each other. Hands began to explore and sounds of excitement and longing rumbled in their throats. Marvin pulled back, his smile wider and happier than Jason had ever seen it. ‘I’m going to enjoy having you as my boyfriend if you kiss like that every time.’ He ran his finger over Jason’s mouth, tracing the contours of his full lips. ‘I’ve wanted to kiss these lips from the first day we met. You have one sexy mouth Jason. And I love your eyes. Dark mysterious pools I could swim in for eternity.’ He leant forward and started to softly kiss his way around Jason’s face. ‘You are so fuckin beautiful Jay.’ He gave his lips the softest most heart-felt kiss he could. His eyes never leaving those opposite.  watching for any sign of fear or apprehension. He knew most of Jason’s story, they had spent hours talking and sharing secrets over the last year, so he knew how scared he was of committing himself to another man. What was that old saying? ‘Once bitten twice shy.’ Jason had been badly bitten twice and regardless of the reasons behind the hurt he had suffered a great deal on both occasions. Marvin’s instinct was to go slowly and to give this beautiful man all the reassurance he needed. He was very conscious that Jason had yet to say anything and whilst he was making no attempt to move away from him or to stop him kissing his face he wanted to be certain he was comfortable. ‘Are you okay with this Jay? Do you want me to stop?’

‘No.’ The response was instant, almost sharp. ‘No.’ This time he smiled as he spoke. Marvin felt a hand come to rest on his. ‘It’s good Marve. I’m good.’ He cradled Marvin’s cheek in his hand rubbing his thumb along the line of his chin. ‘I’m good but I’m scared. Does that make sense?’

Marvin placed his hand over the one on his face and brought the palm to his lips. The kiss he put there was full of tenderness and as he folded Jason’s fingers over it he said ‘that’s to keep and to hold as gently as I’ll keep your love and trust. I can’t promise I’ll never piss you off or that I’ll never hurt you, but I can promise you I’ll never do it on purpose. And if one day you give me your heart I’ll hold it dear and give it all the love and protection I can.’ He saw Jason relax and the shield begin to come down. ‘Would it be okay if we just went to bed to cuddle and sleep tonight Jay? As much as I want to make love I think I just want to hold you right now.’ A tear escaped Jason’s eye as a smile brightened his face.

‘Yes, I’d like that. I’d like that a lot.’ He kissed Marvin and then stood. ‘Your room or mine?’

‘Don’t mind.’

‘Mine then. It’ll probably be cleaner anyway.’ He gave Marvin a cheeky smile as he quickly jumped back to avoid the playful slap aimed at his bum. ‘I’ll just grab a quick shower. Be with you in ten minutes.’ Marvin watched him head for the stairs and said a silent thank you to Toby for the hours he had listened to him talking about Jason and for the wise advise he had given in response.

They slept long and deep that night safe and comfortable in each other’s arms. Two hundred miles away a storm was gathering as Frank learned the true reason for his son’s divorce.