Unthinkable and Unchangeable

Wednesday morning, November 3rd. I wake up late and rush to get ready. I miss the bus. Fuck. I call Justin, who is always late anyway, to see if he has time to come pick me up. So I ride to school with him and prepare to endure another day of prison. I couldn't help but feel slightly guilty about what I had allowed myself to do last night, but I quickly got over it. On the way there, Justin is telling me about this girl he met a few days ago and was asking my advice. I really didn't know what to say. I hadn't had a girlfriend in two years, how was I supposed to give any real advice on how he can get this girl in his bed? I just casually nodded and agreed the whole way there.

When we got to school, I was looking through my things and realized I had forgotten some stuff, but it was too late to go back home to grab it. I was pretty pissed at this point, and my day hadn't even started.

"Come on fag," I heard Justin say to me and I searched through his back seat to make sure I wasn't leaving anything else. My face immediately turned red. Justin had never called me that before, why would he think it was funny? I gathered myself, grabbed my things, and slammed the car door behind me. "Dude take it easy on that thing unless you wanna fix it." He said as the smirk he had from his joke faded. I just stared at him, and took my own way to class as I heard him behind me sighing and mouthing off under his breath.

I skipped breakfast because by the time I had entered the school the tardy bell for first period was already ringing. I went ahead and grabbed my tardy slip from the front office and took the walk of shame to my seat upon arrival as everyone else was already starting to take notes. I didn't have Justin or Steph in my first class so it went by pretty slowly. Finally I got to see Justin in second period.

"What was your problem this morning Emmett?" He scoffed.

"I don't like that word," I said without even looking up at him.

He didn't respond, but I knew he had a smart comment that was burning in his throat that he found the strength not to let out. I rather enjoyed my second period class so it went by quickly.

At lunch, Justin split from me to go sit with his football team as he normally does while I loacted Stephanie. We sat and talked about our morning so far and about the playoff game friday night, that I proudly announced I would not be going to because I didn't want to see Justin play after the rocky morning we had. Stephanie asked what had happened and I explained as best I could without going into detail or inquiring her about Justin's word choice, and we went on with our lunch. All of a sudden, Courtney, one of the football cheerleaders, joined us.

"Mind if I join?" She asked hastily. Steph and I both nodded for her to sit. "So Emmett are you coming to the game? I'd love to see you there."  I always had a feeling that Courtney had a thing for me but she nor I ever acted on it.

"I don't think so." I responded without looking up from my lunch.

"Well I would love for you to come. Here is my number in case you change your mind, maybe we can hang out afterwards," she said with a slight smile and then we all finished our lunch in silence after Steph nudged me and winked.

After my last two classes were over I walked outside towards the bus to find Justin standing at his car, waving me over. I wanted to ignore him, but I couldn't. This was the first time today I really paid attention to what he was wearing and how good he looked.

Justin was built. Like me, he liked his clothes to be a little tighter around his muscles, but he had way more to show than me. Justin was 6'1 or near, sandy blonde short hair that was occasionally spiked like mine, tan, bright blue eyes, and an abnormally sharp jaw line. He had huge hands, and his six pack was easily identifiable in just about anything he wore. I loved when he wore tank tops and exposed his biceps that flexed and popped with every arm movement he ever made. Justin had been my best friend for so long, much like Stephanie, and I truly loved him, but not only for his personality. He was a great looking guy. Justin's ass was simply beautiful, I had seen it in the showers after PE more than once. His dick was absolute perfection as I recall, even though I always tried not to look for fear of getting a chub in front of everyone. I knew that when hard, he wad to be at least 9 inches, and maybe as thick as a soda can. Fuck.. But my favorite part about him was this cut little scar he had above his eye that he received when he was a little boy, running right through his left brow. I'm not sure why I thought so highly of it, but it really set him apart from just another pretty face in the crowd. Justin's nipples were perfectly round, and made the hottest points on his shirt when he was cold or turned on. I couldn't help but notice his beauty more frequently than I like to admit.

I walked over to his car to see what he wanted. "So I heard you're not coming to the game Friday. You never miss any of my games, and this is the playoffs." He said with a somewhat disappointed look on his face.

"Yeah I may have other plans."

He looked upset but didn't say anything further. He offered me a ride home and I accepted.

When we arrived, I was gathering my things and was about to get out when he locked the door and grabbed my wrist. I flinched at the touch.

"I'm really sorry for earlier. That was a very ugly word. I didn't think you would take offense so easily," he said, genuinely.

"It's cool, I'm over it," I responded with a smile. Justin really is a sweetheart most of the time, which made him even more attractive.

"So answer this question." I immediately got nervous. "Could you just please tell me you're okay. You haven't been the same lately."

"I haven't really been okay. But I will be, and there is no need for you to worry." He didn't look satisfied with my answer, so when I went to unlock the door, he locked it back and would not let me leave. He pulled on my wrist harder this time to his side of teh car, and hugged me tight. I was shocked. Justin had never hugged me before. We had had like, short hugs or fist bumps like guy friends normally do, but this was definitely something else. After about 10 seconds, he still wasn't letting go. I loved feeling the warmth of his body on mine, and my head was snuggled into his arm. It was a new and wonderful feeling, so I did not try to pull away. Finally he let go,, but I was a little upset about it. Part of me wanted to stay there forever.

"Em you know I'm here."

"Yeah."

"I heard Courtney asked you out today?"

"Yes she did. I don't think I'm really interested."

"Why not? She is beautiful."

"I know. I'm just not interested in a girlfriend at the moment."

"Damn, Emmett, it's been like two years. Don't you want some pussy?" He laughed.

"Not really no." This made his smile disappear and I didn't realize what I had said until it was too late.

"Emmett..."

"I just wanna make sure it's with the right person," I said, thinking I had saved myself.

"What?! You mean you're a.. I mean.. still?"

I felt my face fill with blood. I didn't respond for quite some time.

"Dude you're getting laid Friday night." He insisted.

"I'll come to your game Justin but I don't want to go out with Courtney."

"Well fine, go out with me afterwards," he said and grinned. I much preferred that, so I agreed and went inside after one more quick hug initiated by him again.

After this encounter with Justin I was very confused. Hugging him made me happy, and the fact that he wanted to be with me after the game made me ecstatic. I gathered my thoughts and concluded that it was because I valued our friendship and nothing more.

On Wednesday nights I normally had nothing to do so I asked Stephanie if she wanted to hang out, which she happily said yes. I invited her over and we decided to go for a walk together. After seeing her smile and hugging her, I thought, maybe this is the evening I'm ready to confide in someone I knew I could trust.

Upon leaving my house, she got upset and said she had something that was bothering her. Being the friend that I am, I asked her to elaborate.

"It's about Toby. I talked to him earlier. The reason he hasn't been to visit is because dad won't let him. I had no idea it was so serious."

"Why not? Why would they not want their son to come home and visit?"

"It's... it's something he told them when he left. He didn't even leave voluntarily. They asked him to leave." She was crying at this point, and I was very worried.

"Why would they ask him to leave? What did he tell them?

"He just told me today. This whole time I thought he moved out." She stuttered and continued crying, but she didn't answer my question. "Let's just talk about something else," she pleaded.

I was very confused and concerned at this point. I didn't know how I was just going to drop the whole conversation without any answers but I honored her wishes. My mind was still running wild. What could he have possibly said or done to get kicked out of his own home? My stomach started turning as a few explanations popped into my head, and I feared the worst. Could Toby be...?

"Stephanie, remember when you said when I was ready to talk, to come to you?"

"Yes Emmett. Why?"

"I think I'm ready."

"Okay. I'm listening."

"I've been... well... ummm.."

"Go on, spit it out." She smiled.

"I've been struggling... with something." I managed to say, sounding dumb.

"Well what is it?"

"It's not easy to say," We sat down at a park bench.

"I can tell Emmett. Go ahead. I won't judge."

"Well I've been having these thoughts. I have tried to push them away or ignore them. They keep coming back. I'm really scared..." I could tell Stephanie was really listening as the scooted closer to me and put her hand around me. I felt like she knew what I was about to say, but I couldn't even believe I was about to say it.

"Go on Emmett. Just say it. Just say it and you'll feel better," she encouraged. At that point I was almost certain she knew what was coming. I started tearing up.

"Stephanie I think I might be gay. I think I'm gay and I don't want to be."

She took a pause, and a heavy breath. She didn't say anything. With each passing moment I got more nervous.

"And?" She asked. And what? What else was she waiting on me to say?

"And, well, I need your advice on what to do. How to overcome this."

"Emmett. How long have you had these feelings?" Her question made me realize that I had probably been struggling with this long before finishing my junior year, and that made me even more upset. My mouth was dry, and I couln't get the words to come out. "Emmett, I love you just the same. But there is no reason for you to be afraid of who you are, or who you may be. If you happen to be gay, no amount of therapy, crying, pushing thoughts and feelings away... None of that will change anything. It will only hurt you more."

She was right, and it terrified me. I just started crying and hugged her ever so tightly. She hugged back. I knew she still loved me and still wanted to be my friend. I felt comforted in that moment. "I'm scared of being gay because I don't want to lose my friends and family. My parents would never forgive me."

At this point she started crying, too. We cried together. "Emmett that's why Toby hasn't been around. My parents cannot accept him for who he is and he cannot change, and you cannot change either. It's going to be a tough road for you, but hopefulyl not as tough as it has been for him." I was so upset at this point that I couldn't breathe. What if that happened to me? Would my parents really kick me out of my own home if they ever found out? I was more scared now than I ever have been regarding these desires.

"Em I still love you, just as I always have and I will always be here for you. Ill help you in any way you need." She said as she sat up and wiped her tears, then reached over to pat me on the back while I wiped mine. I felt so much better after saying those words. I felt so relieved that I had finally spoke of this out loud. The rush I got from saying that word gave me strength.

I went back home. I felt a lot better after my evening with Steph. I felt a lot of pressure being released off my shoulders. I thought maybe, just maybe, if I can learn to be okay with being gay, everyone I cared about could learn, too.

When I got home, I couldn't get so many thoughts out of my head. Mr. Wentz' hot body and tight pants, Justin's huge muscles and cock. I wanted both of them so badly I couldn't hardly stand it. I laid down on my bed and started undressing. I imagined both of them there with me in my bedroom, using me any way they wanted me. I imagined them stripping my clothing off and forcing me to my knees as Justin's warm, moist tongue licked all up and down my ass crack and around my tight hole, lubing it up with his spit preparing it for entry. I imagined Mr. Wentz in front of me, forcing my head down onto his cock, making me gag and slobber all over it as he thrust faster and faster into my mouth. i loved the idea of rough sex, and craved it with these two perfect bodies terribly. I then fantasized about Justin sliding one finger into my hole and twisting it around, making me cringe and swivel around, then two fingers, then three. I wanted his cock inside me so badly I could almost feel it right there on my bed at that very moment, pulsating and throbbing while laying against my whole, begging for entry. I stopped for a split second to realize what thoughts were running through my head, how far I had come in just two short days. It felt right tonight. I lubed up my hard cock as I laid on my back with my eyes closed and started fucking upwards into my tightly clenched hand. All these images running through my mind had my entire body covered in sweat and my hand soaked in precum. I thrust and fucked my hand faster and faster, I felt my load building up inside me, so intense I thought maybe I could hit the ceiling. It felt so good at this point that I couldn't help letting out a loud moan, not caring who heard my downstairs. I pointed upward as I rubbed the head of my dick and got ready to shoot. It exploded into my hand and shot straight into my face, I even managed to shoot directly into my own mouth. I realized that night that I loved the taste of my own cum. I swallowed every drop, and continued to lick up the leftovers on my hand. After laying there, catching my breath, I hopped up to take a quick shower and get ready for bed. I kept thinking about how badly I wanted to lose my virginity at this point, and I thought, maybe I wanted to lose my virginity to Justin. I had seen him naked before, I knew he was perfectly built and his eyes were to die for. But his cock, the one that I had only seen soft, my curiosity ran wild wondering how beautiful it looked hard, if I could have that swinging in my face where I could get one good look at it instead of just a glance across the locker room. I desired to know how it tasted, and what it felt like inside me. Oh, if only....

I couldn't wait to see Justin tomorrow.