Late Life and After Life
Tommy spent the following years of his life in serenity.
He was a brilliant psychiatrist and never denied his kinky sexual identity—in fact, his school of ethical BDSM had been a great success. He taught Dominants the value of their submissives’ surrender, their sacred responsibility. He taught submissives how to accept Dominants even with their fragilities, how to serve them, how to explore subspace without getting lost, how to set limits, how to spot manipulation and gaslighting. He taught switches how to pass from one role to another without ever feeling “fake”. He taught that Dominants also have the right to be fragile and that subs can, or rather must, be strong and independent to avoid disappearing into the role. Most of all he explained that submission wasn’t a real lack of dignity, but a conscious choice to reveal one’s most vulnerable and forbidden side—and at the same time, an act of trust, love and earned devotion. He explained that dominance wasn’t just sadism, but also protection, liberation and responsibility.
He taught how to integrate dark impulses (sadism and masochism) into a framework of respect and affection that also valued the rest of the lives of those who chose that lifestyle. He taught both Doms, switches and subs how to stand on their own, so that they could play with each other out of pleasure, not out of dependency. He taught that BDSM wasn’t a prison, but a language—that wasn’t incompatible with friendship, romantic love or vanilla sex.
He dismantled the myths of superiority and inferiority tied to roles and taught empathy in all its forms, even the most depraved ones.
As a psychiatrist, his life experiences had stripped him of any lingering narcissism. He didn’t consider himself superior to any of his patients, not even the most cognitively impaired. He knew what it was like to not have a properly functioning analytical mind—his regression experiences had taught him vulnerability. He saw the souls of his patients and cared for them, no matter how lost they were.
Things were good with Damiano and his Masters. The friendship was there, and the two languages—romantic love and loving submission—coexisted without conflict. Sometimes they dined together, and Tommy still cooked for everyone. They ate and laughed together. Maybe Tommy would sit at his Masters’ feet on the couch like the good boy he was, and his husband would kiss him passionately, accepting him in his entirety. Damiano hadn’t become a full fledged Dominant himself, but he loved Tommy for who he was. He had explored some light kink in bed with Tommy, just as Tommy had learned the language of romantic lovemaking. Damiano also enjoyed bossing Tommy around the house with domestic chores, much to his joy. Tommy’ nieces and nephews, now grown up, knew that conscious submission was part of their uncle’s identity, and they didn’t love him any less for it—in fact, they loved him more. He made the best dinners and he made everyone feel at home. Most importantly, he had taught them that chosen submission was never uncritical and that it could coexist with love and strength of spirit.
Unfortunately, Alma was the first to leave Tommy. His parents were the second. And after another decade, it was Damiano’s turn.
But Tommy was at peace. He had resolved all conflicts with Damiano and knew he would see him again, along with Alma and his parents. He was the love of his life.
His Masters and his little nieces and nephews remained his family.
One day, in his eightieth year, Tommy lay in bed, contemplating the photos of his life—the incredible journey he had made. He was deeply grateful. That night, he crossed the threshold, without pain, without fear.
Belial and Luciferiel welcomed him not just as their slut, but as a warrior who had won his battle.
Luciferiel said, "Your soul chose to experience such forbidden desires—sadism, masochism, humiliation—because it knew it had enough light to illuminate and transfigure even the darkness."
Belial added, "And you did it masterfully, little one. You ennobled the meaning of 'slut,' my dear. You were incredible… now follow us."
Tommy reunited with his husband, his parents, Alma, and all his loved ones. He met the past versions of himself and the boys who had been tortured by the cult. Now his soul was free—it could take any form it desired, which came in handy for his kinky experiments. He loved his husband deeply, but every now and then, he still played with Belial and Luciferiel—not just as a slave, but as an accomplice. Damiano enjoyed watching them play together. Belial occasionally invited Tommy to join him on the dark side, and they had fun using their powers to awaken forbidden desires in sluts in denial and budding Dominants. But Luciferiel always asked him to assist in guiding all the souls struggling to integrate their forbidden desires with the rest of their identity.
He always watched over Riccardo, Marco, Francesca, and his beloved little nieces and nephews.
A few days after his death, Riccardo, Marco, and Francesca organized his funeral. Tommy and all his loved ones watched from above.
Marco, usually the most reserved, was the first to speak. "Tommy was a warrior. He healed my insecurities. He was a brilliant mind… a great psychiatrist… a legendary slut… a good soul. He taught me to love myself… and he taught me that submission isn’t weakness—it’s trust and courage. It was an honor to have him as a friend."
Francesca was in tears. "Tommy was my ex. Then my slave. Always my best friend. Always our beating heart, our glue. He stripped away all his defenses for us… he literally put himself on the cross for us and healed us from our narcissism. He changed us for the better".
Riccardo took the floor. "Yes, all true. He had a heart of gold. We saved each other. He would have protected me with his life, and I, who purely enjoyed torturing him like a madman, would have protected him with mine. But let’s be clear! Tommy wasn’t some Christ who put himself on the cross as a sacrifice! He put himself on the cross because he liked feeling… every… single… nail!"
The crowd laughed.
Riccardo continued, "And anyway, don’t worry about Tommy… he’s fine, I can feel it. If he ended up with the Demons, he’s giving them hell because they’re not whipping him hard enough! And if he ended up with the Angels, well, God has a problem… because with those puppy-dog eyes begging to be put in his place, he’s probably brought out the sadism in Archangel Gabriel too! He’s licking the celestial swords—pun intended—with joy, with his husband holding his leash to bring him home for dinner!"
The crowd laughed and cried through their tears.
From above, Tommy looked mischievously at his husband, Belial, and Luciferiel. Well, no lies were told!
The End 👼👹💙💁🏼♂️⛓️
Epilogue (letter to the reader)
Dear reader,
Thank You for making it to the end. This story is not just erotic fiction. I hesitated to publish it on this site because I know many of you only want excitement and nothing more. However, simply exciting you wasn’t my goal. I wanted to arouse you, but I also wanted to show you a piece of my soul. This story largely reflects my own mental journey of growth. I know it will be divisive—not everyone seeks existential reflections in an erotic story. However, if you made it this far, it means that this story spoke to you on some level; otherwise, you would have stopped reading after Chapter 9.
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The Story’s Dynamics and Symbolism
Now I want to help you understand the dynamics and the symbolism of the story even further. I want to let you see the author behind the character. Aside from my name, the names of the other characters are fictional. In hindsight, the title I would have liked to give the story—also to honor my Italian heritage and because of the religious symbolism—was Tommy's BDSM Divine Comedy. However, it was a bit megalomaniacal, and in the end, the story was already published, so I left it as it was.
The recurring theme of the story is the integration between light and darkness. Tommy’s darkness represents my forbidden desires as a sub (loss of control, submission, humiliation, degradation, masochism, regression), and his light represents the qualities that allow me to navigate those desires without losing myself (intelligence, clarity, love, empathy, wisdom, irony). In the first part of the story, Tommy actively represses his darkness. His soul is literally split into light and shadow. He thinks that his shadow is wrong and judges it harshly. He is ashamed of himself, and this makes his dark desires only more compulsive. That’s why, at first, he can’t fight them: the repression makes them stronger. Once he embraces them, though, he learns how to control them. With this story, I’ve basically done my own sexual shadow work—the process of taking control over your own sexual shadow so that it doesn’t control you. The theory behind this concept is rooted in Jungian psychology. I didn't even know about it when I wrote the story and that's why I used the term darkness instead of shadow. A while after writing the story I learned about shadow work and I understood that it was what I had been doing all along with this piece.
Belial and Luciferiel represent my Dominant polarity in its purest forms, both the protective side (Luciferiel) and the sadistic side (Belial). I’ve created them to fulfill the emotional needs of my submissive side. However, I’ve tried to make them complex: they are Deities, but they don’t act like narcissistic Gods. They’re both benevolent; they never make Tommy feel inferior in a non-erotic way, and they truly love him. Belial is a sadist, but he is capable of real love—he’s even willing to sacrifice himself for Tommy. Luciferiel may be an Angel, but he is anything but saintly when it comes to kink.
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The Masters: Inspirations and Representations
As for my three friends/Masters:
Marco is inspired by a straight psychiatrist who happens to be one of my best friends. He’s not a Dom, but he has always protected me nonetheless and has always made me feel appreciated—as a colleague, a friend, and a gay slut ;). Real-life Marco has a great analytical mind, but he’s warmer than story-Marco, who is more introverted. That’s because my story was my way to make peace with different types of masculinity (the introvert-Marco and the sexy bastard-Riccardo). I also wanted my Masters to grow as people alongside Tommy, so I wanted them to have something to learn from Tommy (emotional expression for Marco, humility for Riccardo).
Riccardo is inspired by a straight friend of mine who is super hot and very well-endowed but, sadly, kinda narcissistic. Not evil, just self-centered. Not someone I can count on. Story-Riccardo retains his “alpha” vibes but eventually loses his arrogance and becomes the wonderful person he was always meant to be. He’s the most sadistic of the trio, but he’s also the most protective toward Tommy.
Francesca shares the name of my one and only ex-girlfriend, but she’s actually a tribute to all my female friends who have always cherished and protected me throughout the ups and downs of my messy, beautiful life.
You might wonder why I made my Masters straight and why I even inserted a Mistress in the story. You might think that’s because straight men are considered by some gays the Holy Grail of Dominance. Well, that’s not the reason. I actually think that the fetishisation of straight men in the gay community is often a form of internalised homophobia. What I wanted to do was instead was to show that dominance transcends gender and sexual orientation. I wanted to show that it’s possible to practice BDSM just based on psychological affinity. The holy quartet represents a queer family. It’s basically the kinky version of Friends.
Make no mistake: Tommy isn’t the child of the family. He’s the submissive one, but he takes care of his Masters just as much as they take care of him.
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Power Play and Growth
At first, the power play in the story is very intense. After all, power play is hot, and I needed to catch your attention. However, it’s never malevolent. Riccardo and Marco spot Tommy’s submissiveness early on, and Belial breaks him in a pretty traumatic way. Then the trio finishes the job. I was a bit cruel to Tommy. However, it is stated explicitly that Tommy’s soul had chosen that path, even if he isn’t aware of that initially. Belial merely does his duty as a guide. Tommy was trapped in his guilt, and he needed a little push.
However, he is never a victim. He chooses to kneel in front of his three Masters. At first, he struggles with guilt and with the fear of losing himself, but his Masters and the Gods give him the aftercare he needs to trust them.
In the first part of the story, the Masters are a bit brutal. They say things like, “We’ll make you sleep in a dog cage, and you won’t get a say in the matter.” When Tommy regresses into puppy mode for the first time, Riccardo gets lost in a power trip and calls him inferior. You might think that this isn’t consistent with his responsible and loving behavior in the previous chapters, but it really isn’t. Riccardo is human. He loves Tommy, but he also loves the control that he has over him. His erotic mind and his morals aren’t always in sync and in chapter 8 his erotic mind takes over in response to Tommy’s regression in puppy mode. That moral conflict between fantasy and reality is pretty normal for anyone with a strong kinky side. Tommy’s loving sacrifice to save him quickly puts Riccardo back in his place, reminding him that mistaking Tommy’s vulnerability (which came from trust) for inferiority was a grave mistake. The Gods make the Masters feel the fear that comes with loss of control. The Masters eventually develop a deep empathy for Tommy and understand the strength required to fully let go of control. They come to understand that Tommy’s trust in them is a privilege, not a right.
Tommy literally heals their insecurities and solves their internal conflicts once and for all. The growth is mutual, as it should be in any healthy relationship.
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Chapter 8: Equality in the Dynamic
Chapter 8 was necessary to show that neither Tommy nor the Masters are delusional. There are no inferiority/superiority complexes, no cult of personality, no worship of an ideal. Riccardo has a literal Dom drop. The Masters openly acknowledge their flaws and Tommy’s strengths, and Tommy doesn’t make them feel less Dominant for that. On the contrary, he applauds them for the courage they display in admitting their vulnerabilities. That chapter is meant to show that the Masters see Tommy as a capable, independent adult and that Tommy does not see them as ideal Gods but as real people whom he truly loves, flaws and inconsistencies included.
All of them are real people, not archetypes of ideal Doms/subs who cut parts of their humanity (respectively, vulnerability/assertiveness) to fit a role 24/7. They’re emotionally mature and whole. In guiding Tommy, the Masters, too, become more disciplined and responsible. In order to demand discipline from Tommy, they must lead by example, and this drives them to give their absolute best, both in their own lives and in caring for Tommy. This creates a virtuous cycle for both Tommy and his Masters.
Slavery-free days are essential for their dynamic. In those days Tommy has to hold structure on his own and his Masters have to take care of the house on their own. This is useful because in this way neither Tommy nor the Masters become too dependent on each other, and none of them loses basic abilities over time. The slavery-free days are also essential for negotiation. The negotiations in the dynamic happen as equals. Tommy always states his limits/desires/concerns. He lets his Masters have the last word because they always take into account his desires and always honor his hard limits. If they failed to do that for selfish reasons, Belial and Luciferiel would punish them. This doesn’t make their power fake. The trio has real power over Tommy, but there is a shared ethical code that they must respect, co-written with Tommy, who is ultimately their best friend and the sub of the quartet. He’s always both. His Masters love him in his entirety and give him discipline and protection to make him embrace who he is and flourish in all areas of life. The power of the trio is in service of Tommy’s well-being and growth, not just as a slave but as a person.
That’s why “being owned” feels so good to Tommy: he knows that he’s not alone and that he has people in his life who love him for everything that he is. He feels that no matter how dark his desires may be, his Masters are there to guide him. He knows that they’ve got him. Tommy expresses his gratitude through his obedience and loving service. His devotion does activate his subspace, and that makes him feel horny, but it’s so much more than that. His devotion is rooted in real, earned love, not just in the arousal of subspace. His obedience is never blind. It’s based on trust and mutual communication. He would never obey an order that goes against his morality.
He’s always free, even when he sleeps in a dog cage, because he always chooses everything that he does. Unlike some “Alpha” men who do not allow themselves to cry and who happily vote for a “strong man” who takes away their basic rights, or some girls who do not give blowjobs out of fear of being considered “sluts,” Tommy doesn’t care about gender roles or societal expectations, and he never stops using his free will and critical thinking. If he doesn’t agree with something, he always speaks up, like all healthy subs should do.
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Tommy’s Journey: Self-Discovery and Empowerment
Under his Masters’ guidance, Tommy becomes even more disciplined and learns how to navigate his forbidden desires without losing his identity or self-esteem along the way. He learns to play with his darkness. Kink allows him to temporarily let go of control, which satisfies his taste for adventure, thrill and novelty. He also learns how to let go of ego and shame and to simply be, without needing to prove his worth. He gets to play with taboos and express his most vulnerable, tender, and playful side. He learns to unlock his animal instincts. He discovers that even without his intelligence and academic achievements, he’s still worthy. His self-esteem actually becomes stronger because it is no longer tied to intelligence or efficiency. It becomes intrinsic.
His self-esteem is not dependent on his Masters’ approval. On the contrary, his Masters make him understand that his soul shines even when he is on his knees. He gets to feel like prey, but in a good way. As a bullied child, he simply felt hatred from the bullies and always fought back. In kink, he feels celebrated and loved by his Masters, even in the most depraved scenes. Kink has a therapeutic effect on him. Sadism gives him the intensity he looks for in bed. Tommy’s sweetness makes him naturally attracted to sadism, because sadism is his polar opposite. However this is sustainable only because the sadism of his Masters is playful and ultimately rooted in love.
At first, Tommy cannot differentiate between playful sadism and real sadism. He can’t help but feel aroused by sadism because it enhances his perception of masculinity, tapping into his submissive side. Later in the story, Tommy learns to discern real Doms from bullies. Obviously, he pities bullies who put people down to feel powerful, and he shows that when he punches Lucas, who’s the typical weak man posing as an Alpha.
Through kink, Tommy explores both his masculine and feminine sides. Through his sissy experience, he gets to channel his inner Diva. However, make no mistake: Tommy is always a Diva, even when he’s on his knees, drenched in piss.
The structure that his Masters give him makes him feel more productive in every area of his life. Obeying relieves him from the stress of constant responsibility and decision-making. This type of structure has proven to be beneficial for subs in kinky relationships, especially neurodivergent people with autism, who struggle with relational ambiguity, or ADHD traits. However, as previously mentioned, Tommy never gives up critical thinking because he has to regularly express his needs and desires so that the structure benefits both him and his Masters. He listens to himself. He ponders everything. He doesn’t just experience his submission; he shapes it under the guidance of his Masters. The emotional care is mutual. His Masters are his safe harbor, but he is also their safe harbor He takes care of them. His Masters look up to him in many ways. They value his wisdom and empathy greatly and ask him for advice. Like I said, the care goes both ways.
Over time, Tommy manages to integrate his Dominant polarity inside him, even managing to dominate other subs in play and, most importantly, learning to take care of his inner sub by himself through self-care, self-discipline, and self-compassion. He even learns to practice self-BDSM. Eventually, he manages to understand his emotional needs as a sub on a deep level. He uses his vocation for loving service to help others in life, not just in kink. He becomes a better clinician, and his humility makes him more empathetic.
Even without kink and cohabitation, the quartet survives because the dynamic is rooted in a deep, soul-level friendship. Kink never replaced their relationship; it was always just an intimate extension of it.
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The Other Characters
Alma is 3 years old at the time of this writing, and she’s truly my furry angel. She really is like a daughter. She’s living proof that love transcends species and words.
Damiano is my husband in real life. He’s a brilliant artist. We’ve faced highs and lows. He has never attempted to sabotage my career; in fact, he supports it fiercely. However, in the conflicts of the story, there are some elements inspired by real-life dynamics. He has overcome his insecurities, and now we’re meeting halfway between vanilla and kink. We both love each other very much. I’ve come to understand that there’s power exchange even in vanilla sex, just like there is tenderness even in BDSM. For vanilla people tapping into "the dark side" can be scary, but also thrilling. For kinky people having intimacy outside of the D/s role can be challenging, but it's definitely worth it.
You might wonder why I made my husband so dirty in the story. Well, for a while, he truly feared my kinky side. I also needed to break Tommy for plot reasons. Most importantly, I wanted to show that abuse is not intrinsically related to kink. Tommy's story-Masters are extreme in kink, but they are never abusive and never truly infantilize him. Damiano, on the contrary, mimicked the paternalistic aesthetics of BDSM to truly belittle him, even if he did it out of fear and insecurity. This goes to show that manipulation can happen even in romantic relationships. It shows that dignity lies in the intentions, not in the appearance of the act. It also shows that Tommy is perfectly capable of spotting manipulation and real lack of respect and standing his ground. He may be submissive, but he isn’t a pushover.
I’ll take my fair share of responsibility, though: in reality, I am pretty bad at housekeeping, and this drives Damiano pretty mad. This story was also my way to channel my submissive side into becoming a better housemaid. I hope that this story serves as an inspiration for me in real life.
My parents aren’t fully developed in the story, but their unconditional love is real, to my immense fortune. It is ultimately the very thing that allowed me to tame my darkness. I also have a beloved straight brother, but I didn’t include him in the story because he didn’t really fit the plot.
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The Cult: The Dark Side of BDSM
The cult embodies abuse disguised as BDSM. It obviously also represents that kind of hypocritical religion that passes off hatred and homophobia as puritanism. It's the dark side of religion. Honestly, I don't know who hates gay subs more: homophobic evangelicals who hope they'll burn in Hell for eternity, or psychopathic Doms who would love to keep subs locked in a dark basement for most of their existence, subjecting them to every kind of torture and deprivation... as I've already said, unethically applied conservatism and progressivism always lead to abuse in surprisingly similar ways... I’ve personally seen videos of clearly psychopathic Doms laying out a destiny of eternal suffering and obedience for subs... fantasies, sure, but the content was entirely superimposable on the Priestess's words, even if presented in an eroticized way. In my story, I decided to extract the absolute darkness without eroticizing it, to avoid presenting abuse as something desirable. Let's be clear: when I say "abuse" I am not just talking about rape. Sometimes abuse is consensual and can even be arousing, even if it’s emotionally damaging. The fact that BDSM requires ongoing consent and respect of hard limits is the bare minimum to not classify it as rape. Recently we say that the consent should be risk-aware. Well many subs are aware that they’re destroying their lives and many Doms are also aware that they’re actively destroying the identities of their subs. That doesn’t make it illegal, but it doesn’t make it healthy either, doesn’t it? The community used to say that BDSM should be safe, SANE and consensual. I think that a part of the community forgot about the “sane” part in the name of absolute freedom without responsibility. Even in the story, Tommy actively searches for abusive BDSM to numb his pain, like many subs do in real life.
Here’s my take on toxic BDSM, which is potentially even more destructive than rape: kink doesn’t always come from a healthy place, and even when it does, it can still degenerate into addiction if it’s not balanced with vanilla life. Many subs don’t know how to stand on their own two feet and look for an idealized figure who will give them validation and save them the trouble of having to grow up and understand who they are as adults. They want to regress for real. Other subs set no limits in order to perform the role in an idealized way, to avoid losing their Master, or out of a need for admiration. Some subs actually hate themselves and their vanilla lives and they want someone to destroy their identity as a form of escapism or self-sabotage. Then there’s the the risk of developing a sexual addiction to submission. Subspace, like Domspace, is a wonderful experience per se. It's liberating, it lowers cortisole, it relieves stress. It is an altered state of consciousness and it bears many similarities to meditation, even if it has an erotic component. However so many subs become addicted to subspace to avoid adult life, to numb some inner pain or just because of extreme hedonism, just like it happens with drugs. They value the dopamine of subspace more than anything else in their lives, including love, friendships, and critical thinking. They eroticize their loss of identity and call it liberation. They want to worship an ideal Master, not a real person, but in reality, they only serve their addiction to subspace. The paths to self-destruction are endless. Of course, there are plenty of narcissistic or psychopathic Masters who are more than happy to help them destroy themselves, getting off on the total control they have over their slaves, which makes them feel powerful.
There’s no real love for the person in this type of dynamic. The Dom loves the control and the fact that they have someone who never criticizes them. The sub loves the loss of control and the absolution of personal responsibility. At the end of the day, they both use each other and willingly reduce themselves to archetypes devoid of humanity and complexity. The affection, if present, is superficial. The love isn’t unconditional; it’s conditioned on the role. Eventually, both parties become replaceable. There’s no room for the person, only for the role (and the addiction to kink). That’s the outcome of all addictions.
I’ve read so many stories where a sub spending their days cleaning a floor with a butt plug inside them, then waiting for hours for their Master to arrive while listening to brainwashing audios, is passed off as spiritual evolution. Someone might argue that the sub is truly in touch with their subspace, and that’s true. One could also argue that a Zen monk can spend the day isolated in meditation, and no one tells him he’s wasting his life. True… but there’s a difference! A sub in subspace is dissociated from the rest of their identity. They are thinking about being a good slave, a good slut, a good object… and they get aroused. They are under the influence of sexual arousal and certainly aren’t thinking about the well-being of their loved ones or the world. A Buddhist monk is not dissociated, and he doesn’t meditate to get aroused; he meditates to connect with the world and to better understand himself on a deeper level. Then, once meditation is over, even though he could just stay in his peace, he goes out into the world to serve others and reduce their suffering. Not like a slave who neglects all their relationships, interests, talents and values just to stay home 24/7 playing the house slut for a narcissistic Dom who thrives on draining the life out of them.
Tommy doesn’t pretend to be a monk. He knows perfectly well that his subspace is a way to get aroused, but he uses that sexual energy to make his talents and all the other areas of his life (and his Masters’ lives) flourish. In toxic BDSM, sexual energy drains other areas of life. In healthy BDSM, sexual energy makes other areas of life flourish.
The horror of the cult represents the human void that is hidden behind the constant thrill of 24/7 kink without real human connection. That’s not to say that kink can’t be an authentic expression of love or intimacy. It can absolutely be, but only when it happens between people who actually know each other beyond the power play. Make no mistake: it’s fine to have a relationship only rooted in power/play, just like it’s okay to have random sex, but if that becomes the entire life, it’s a huge loss in my opinion, for both Doms and subs.
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The Psychology of Toxic BDSM
Vanilla relationships are not perfect. Even in the vanilla world, there are transactional relationships based on selfish needs and non-consensual, perhaps unconscious power games, and often there is no room for instinctive, raw sex due to excessive sexual repression. However in vanilla life, dynamics such as manipulation, gaslighting, trauma bonding, idealization, co-dependency, narcissism, psychopathy, personality disorders, lack of self-esteem, self-hatred, inferiority/superiority complex, Stockholm syndrome, addiction, delusions, loss of identity, misogyny, homophobia etc etc are rightfully considered pathological. This list of psychological dynamics does not claim to be exhaustive. Both on the Dom and the sub side, the ways to act out pathological psychic traits through the role are endless. In BDSM, problematic dynamics can be arousing because the brain of kinky people sometimes associates danger/darkness and even trauma with arousal. Sometimes this serves as a defense-mechanism for the subs' psyche, which is exploited by manipulative Doms to hurt them, turning the eroticisation of darkness into a destructive addiction. If the darkness is confined to play as a way to enact a fantasy, fine. If this happens in real life, it’s not okay, even if both parties are turned on!
If anything, the sex addiction that often plagues 24/7 dynamics only makes the aforementioned toxic dynamics more insidious. My advice to fellow subs is this: Never let a Dom (or anyone) tell you who you are. Walk away from Doms who guilt-trip you for stating your limits/needs by accusing you of topping from the bottom. At best they’re emotionally immature, at worst they’re psychopaths. It’s the first step to erase your identity. They don’t want you; they want an empty shell to fill with their pathological need for control. They don’t want a person; they want a trophy. Walk away from anyone who claims that your vanilla life (loved ones, hobbies, etc.) is fake and useless.
There are entire pseudo-scientific/pseudo-spiritual ideologies online built on this rhetoric, framing self-erasure and inferiority as the biological destiny of people with submissive desires. They’re mostly written by narcissist Doms who think they’re clever despite having the emotional intelligence of a rock. They feel entitled to power and yet they completely misunderstand the complexity of the psychology of healthy subs.
They exploit the legitimate needs of subs in search for answers (such as the desire to be understood and accepted for their desires and to find a welcoming community) to colonise their entire lives. Their confidence can be very persuasive, especially for subs who second guess themselves a lot. First, these Doms offer subs a theory that makes them feel accepted for their desires, then they boost their sex addiction until they eroticize their own destruction. They tell subs that pleasing Doms is the only thing that should give them pleasure. They tell subs that their job is not to think, but to serve and obey, which is by definition the opposite of psychological evolution. They tell subs that self-erasure is real commitment to the lifestyle. They frame it as bravery. If subs state their needs or speak up if they sense manipulation, they punish them and call them “fake subs”. Then they watch their subs’ lives fall apart with glee, feeling like Gods. Some subs actually believe that these “Masters” are Gods only because they have big dicks, when in fact they’re just replaceable tools to activate their subspace. Some “Masters” are so psychopathic that once they figure that out, they become bothered by the fact that the sub enjoys his submission and gives consent, because this makes them feel less “powerful”… so they start to prey on unwilling victims. The ultimate outcome is the full-blown psychopath, Jeffrey Dahmer style.
Sometimes I wonder if those who run these cults truly believe what they say. If they genuinely believe there are humans and subhumans. Part of me thinks some Doms don’t believe it at all and that they deliberately use the ideology solely for manipulative purposes. Other times, I think they actually do believe it. Partly, they believe it because their entire psychic survival is based on feeling superior to someone, so they support any ideology that portrays them as superior beings. They also believe such ideologies because it’s their way of rationalizing the abuse. If they had to admit that their subs are human, they would face a crisis of conscience. These Doms usually have zero insight and zero capacity for self-reflection, even though they think they are chosen minds. In reality, most subs are far more introspective than them, because while these Doms’ twisted idea of dominance aligns with the predatory and competitive mindset of our society, exploring submission requires stepping away from social values and looking your own vulnerability dead in the eye. This is much harder and requires a great deal more introspective ability and courage.
However for subs with a severe sex addiction, emotional dependency or deep-seated self-esteem issues, the biological destiny theory of the natural slave also helps: they no longer have to push themselves to heal their self-esteem wounds, break an addiction, or try to find a balance between life and kink; they can simply stop fighting. The price, however, is losing themselves in subspace. Furthermore, worship and idealization can also be hard drugs, even if they are based on superficial qualities and, ultimately, delusional beliefs. This can be seen everyday through celebrity culture after all.
From a psychological standpoint, these pseudoscientific theories are highly dangerous. They are ways to justify abuse or addiction. In reality… psychology is universal, and its laws apply to the kinky world too. This doesn’t mean judging kink through the lens of the vanilla world. It is simply refusing cultural relativism as a justification for abuse. Kink is not pathological per se. It can be both a tool for healing and for destruction. Progressivism without ethics, just like conservatism, leads to imbalance and abuse.
A sub locked in the house 24/7 with no interests and no contact with the outside world is the kinky equivalent of an Afghan woman under the Talibans’ regime or the girl who was turned into a maid, with the plastic outfit sewn onto her body by the psychopath in the 'Dollhouse' episode of AHS. The fact that they have a butt plug inside them and that they are aroused and consenting doesn’t change the fact that they are voluntarily lobotomizing themselves. There is still a massive loss of human potential. Not because of the kink itself, but because there is no life left beyond submission. This is also evident in the plots of stories that glorify toxic BDSM: the ending is always the same. In the beginning, the sub possesses distinctive traits, a personality, desires, and fears. Psychopathic Doms excel at identifying these elements and weaponizing them against the sub to completely erase their identity, feeling like gods for being able to mold an individual by exploiting their psychological vulnerabilities. The process of destruction is tailor-made in targeting weaknesses, yet industrial and standardized in dismantling the Ego. The final destinations are always the same usual archetypes: the animal, the child, the object, the slave, the sissy... along with a heavy dose of misogyny and homophobia in the humiliation process, stemming from the contempt these Doms hold for femininity and vulnerability.
It is the exact opposite of what a parent does with a child, a therapist with a patient, or a healthy Dom with their sub. For a healthy Dom, happiness does not stem from a God complex built on exploiting others' weaknesses, but from the joy of seeing their sub blossom as an individual. This is what generates real devotion from the sub, rather than a fake, performative one driven by sex addiction. A healthy Dom acts as a catalyst for the sub's growth, not only in the conscious and cathartic exploration of their darkness, but also in cultivating their unique combination of talents and personality traits. This is why, in toxic kink, all subs (and Doms) ultimately become interchangeable, whereas in conscious and evolutionary kink, each person maintains and enriches their own uniqueness.
If you think that Masters with psychopathic or narcissistic traits are blatantly unbalanced and easy to recognize, well, you are way off track! Do not think that all these Masters (or Mistresses) are blatantly psychopathic individuals. Some of them are. Others are much more manipulative or even believe themselves to be good. Before stripping away your identity, they tell you that they practice ethical BDSM, that communicating boundaries is important, and that the Dom is a guide, not a tyrant. Then, they might be the very same people who make a living off financial domination (findom) and couldn't care less if some sub ended up on the street, saying, 'Well, they are a consenting adult, not a victim,' completely ignoring the fact that they consciously profited from their addiction.
Some of these pro-Doms (or Dommes) proudly showcase their subs even on TV, individuals who exhibit all the signs of a cult of personality and pathological addiction, both emotional and sexual. Some of these Doms hold degrees in psychology, which unfortunately, on its own, does not guarantee a person's ethics. Obviously, these Doms do not practice as psychologists due to their blatant conflict of interest. Instead, they use psychological tools to manipulate better, making the subs dependent on them, while providing a respectable intellectual facade to what is, for all intents and purposes, a cult of which they are the gurus. They even pass themselves off as therapeutic figures, even though they are the exact opposite of what a real therapist would do—someone who works so that the patient (the sub) no longer needs them.
You will never find a brave interviewer on TV asking uncomfortable questions to these Masters or Mistresses because the idea of a person abdicating every decision to another to become a 24/7 erotic stereotype brings in a lot of money. Furthermore, these Masters/Mistresses have built an empire based on their narcissism, complete with personal branding that mainstream media has absolutely no interest in clashing with. And let's face it... any psychological critique pointing out the evident pathological signs of the dynamics shown would be accused of 'kink-shaming,' even though the point is not the kink, but the relational pathology being passed off as kink. It is pure intellectual dishonesty.
Other kink influencers have no manipulative intent, but they lack psychological expertise, and in the end, they pass off their own co-dependency or neuroses as BDSM... this is the consequence of social media personal branding.
True therapeutic figures who have no conflicts of interest are, unfortunately, are often much less publicized because they generally have far less aggressive marketing strategies and because they convey complex concepts that neither the TV nor the public has the desire to understand.
This does not mean that there are no pro-Doms with solid ethical values and healthy personalities who act in good faith. They do exist. Fortunately, there are also kink-aware psychologists who truly care about their patients’ well-being.
However, do not immediately trust the polished facades of those who say they practice ethical BDSM... look at the substance of their arguments. If you see relationship dynamics that, stripped of the kink facade, would be considered pathological by any ethical psychologist, trust your instinct. Kink does not make a pathological relational dynamic ethical.
So, my fellow subs… keep your eyes open and your mind sharp. Pure darkness should only exist in fantasy or in play as a means to explore the human psyche, but your relationships should always be rooted in light.
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A Test for Doms, Subs, and Switches
Here’s a test for both Doms and subs (and switches, of course). Ask yourself these questions:
- If you strip away the arousal of the kink, do you think that your way of experiencing kink is healthy? Is it ethical?
- Do you have to invent an alternative psychology to justify what you do?
-Does it make you more aware of yourself? Does it make you more independent or more dependent on others? Do you need a Dom or a sub to feel whole?
- Does it enrich or impoverish your (and your partner’s) identity and your (and your partner’s) life?
-Are you using kink as a way to escape from something in your life?- Would you be capable of living without kink?
- Are you capable of being both assertive and vulnerable, depending on the circumstances?
- If your Dom or sub steps out of the role, would you still care about them? (*this question applies to relationship dynamics, not to occasional kinky sex)
- Do you view the role as a part of your identity or as your entire identity? Does kink make you a more mentally flessibile person or does it increase your identity rigidity?
- Do you respect yourself and your partner as human beings of equal dignity and worth?
-If you asked your Dom to swap roles with you, would he answer something like, 'I'd rather die than be in your shoes'?"
- Does kink help you resolve your (or your partner’s) traumas, or does it reinforce them?
- Does it make you a better person, or does it simply strengthen your pathological personality traits and unresolved conflicts?
The fact that you are aroused or relaxed by the absence of choices does not matter; in fact, it is a confounding factor. If the answers to the questions mentioned above are not flattering, I suggest you see a psychotherapist. My advice is to avoid throwing yourself into a TPE (Total Power Exchange) relationship that will give you an alibi to act out your pathological personality traits and to abstain from kink until you find a way to experience it in a manner that is truly ethical and that preserves your wholeness and that of your partners. The belief that every sub needs a Master and that every Master absolutely needs a sub is just another manipulative lie. In reality, practicing self-BDSM is one of the healthiest and most liberating things you can do, because it frees you from dependency on others and allows you to truly understand the emotional needs that kink touches upon. Beyond the erotic play to explore the shadow, which can also be done alone (e.g., through erotic writing, porn videos, audio files to unlock subspace and domspace, sex toys, etc etc), interpersonal emotional needs are what matter most, at least for those who consider kink a part of their life-stile. Self-BDSM helps subs become the Dom of themselves, treating their inner sub with the same care, compassion and discipline that they would look for in an ideal Dom. Self-BDSM also helps Doms treat themselves with the same respect and devotion they would expect from their ideal sub, without getting delusional of course. In general, a sub can still channel his vocation to service in life even without a Dom, even if he occupies a position of power, and a Dom can still be the leader he wants to be in life even without a sub. It goes without saying that balance is everything. After all, if a sub doesn't know how to be dominant when necessary, he risks becoming a doormat with no identity beyond uncritical obedience. Likewise if a Dominant only thinks of his own self-interest he becomes nothing but a social predator, and if he denies his own vulnerability, he will never achieve real intimacy and will probably eventually have an emotional breakdown. Overall self-BDSM is a journey of personal growth far greater than any TPE relationship between unintegrated people who simply project their own unfulfilled needs onto each other, ultimately using one another. Healthy relationships happen between people who choose each other out of affection and pleasure, not out of desperation.
If you truly decide you want to embark on the path of TPE, make sure you have done the inner work required to face it. The same goes for your partner. These are very difficult balances to achieve, demanding a level of intimacy comparable to a marriage, but with an even greater layer of complexity to integrate the kink into everyday life in a healthy way.
It cannot be improvised. Distrust anyone who tries to push a TPE relationship onto you right from the start, or who tells you that TPE is the only true form of BDSM.
Everyone decides for themselves within which areas of life to confine their kink. If someone wants to keep it strictly limited to sexual play, that is perfectly fine—in fact, it is often very healthy. Do not let anyone pressure you.
Some of the previous considerations about self-BDSM stem from the assumption that a person's real-life personality is in continuity with the one they have in kink, but that is not always the case. Often, it is quite the opposite. People who are submissive in kink can be dominant in life, and people who are service-oriented in life can be very Dominant in kink.
Distrust anyone who tells you that you must mold your personality based on your kinky role. Be yourself and maintain a flexible approach. Listen to yourself.
However the aforementioned principles of self-sufficiency, internal balance, and value consistency apply to Doms, subs, switches, and vanilla people alike. To achieve self-mastery, one must learn to accept their vulnerability and shadow, becoming strong enough to manage them on their own, while maintaining the ability to ask for help without shame when needed. This work of psychological integration is something everyone should do, regardless of kink. As for the principle of value consistency, I actually think that everyone should have a service oriented attitude, at least to some degree. This does not necessarily mean occupying a subordinate role, but rather having the well-being of others as an ethical priority. It is the very foundation of civilization.
Speaking of vanilla people: they are not a breed apart, but people with emotional needs that are often very similar to those of kinky people, who simply speak a softer language—which is not incompatible with kink. A typical trad wife is basically a devoted female sub and a patriarchal husband is basically a Master without the harness.
Overall the idea that kink and vanilla are two incompatible worlds is part of kinky elitism; it promotes mental rigidity and serves the interests of kinky cults that want to recruit adepts to indoctrinate, isolating them from the rest of the world. I will go even further: without a vanilla life, you go nowhere. Kink represents the sexual shadow, and it is beautiful in itself, but the vanilla life represents the light. It is not the shadow that must extinguish the light; it is the light that must illuminate the shadow.
In summary: The best subs aren’t those who learn all the slave positions. They’re those who know how to play without losing themselves. Those who use their vocation to service to make their talents flourish and make the world a better place, not to serve the ego of a narcissist while feeding their own sex addiction. Those who serve their Doms out of real, earned devotion, not just of out arousal. The best Doms are those who truly know what it feels like to be on the other side. Those who are aware of their flaws. Those without a superiority complex based on shallow features such as performative masculinity, muscles, or cock size. Those who know that they aren’t wiser by default and who are willing to listen to their subs without feeling threatened. Those who want their subs to become better all-around people, not just better robots. Those who understand that submission is a gift and that power comes with responsibility.
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On Language, Brainwashing and Mental Regression
You might wonder why I’ve used so many words that are part of the lingo of manipulative BDSM, such as faggot slave or slut. Well, first—erotic humiliation is hot. Secondly, what matters to me is the intention behind the words. Tommy’s Masters call him “slut” or “faggot” with the same tone they use to say “I love you.” This story is my way of taking back control of the meaning of those words, purifying them from the ideological toxicity. In reality, I have always found it pathetic when people treat subs, whores, women, or gay men with contempt, whether in the vanilla or the kinky world. They are the very same people who cannot live without the aforementioned individuals. In the end, those who criticize are always the ones who crave it most. Without us, they wouldn't be able to keep up their compensatory theater. So, my fellow whores and subs, take pride in finding pleasure in giving pleasure—but only to those who deserve it.
You might also wonder why I included the theme of brainwashing in the story if I am so against manipulation… Partly, it’s because brainwashing is an exciting literary trope in BDSM literature. Partly, it’s for narrative reasons: at the beginning of the story, Tommy is inhibited and judges himself negatively for his dark impulses. Hypnosis helps him let go of the guilt and embrace his latent desires. During the hypnosis sessions, he truly experiences surrender and the sensation of dependence. Why doesn’t he become genuinely addicted to sex then? Because Luciferiel gives him the ability to wake up from the erotic trance, and because he commands him to use his calling for service and his talents for noble purposes. The structure his Masters provide ensures that he uses his erotic energy as fuel for the non-erotic areas of his life, with discipline. Furthermore, Tommy integrates his kinky side so deeply that, in the end, he no longer needs extreme erotic stimuli to feel it; it is always within him, even when he is doing ordinary things.
The theme of mental regression is also ethically controversial. If Tommy truly experiences what it means to feel like a child, an animal, or an object, how can he possibly give consent to sexual acts?
The story clearly explains that Tommy never actually ceases to exist. His analytical mind does not disappear; it simply shifts into the background, leaving instinct in the foreground. He experiences disinhibition, but he always maintains that level of meta-cognition that allows him to think, 'How wonderful it is to be so aroused that I can't even articulate a word.' Even when he isn't thinking in such elaborate terms, the emotional awareness of the game is still present.
If it weren't, he wouldn't get aroused. If he were truly just a dog or a child, he wouldn't derive pleasure from being a dog or a child—it would just be normalcy to him. He wouldn't be capable of malice and depravity. This is a literary lie found in many kinky stories: the sub who loses their mind completely yet somehow remains aroused. It doesn't work that way. To be aroused, you must still maintain the awareness of the absurdity of what you are doing. It is fun precisely because of that. Furthermore, it only makes sense as long as it remains a circumscribed game; if it drags on 24/7, it genuinely leads to the destruction of cognitive abilities and identity. This destruction, contrary to what many claim, is by no means synonymous with 'vocation,' 'courage,' 'commitment,' or 'spiritual evolution.'"
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Satan: Fear and Symbolism
Satan represents my fear of absolute evil. As a child, he terrified me. The fact that Tommy uses mental regression, which is usually a way to delete the sub’s identity, as his way to save himself from Satan’s Priestess is my symbolic victory over addictive BDSM and evil in general. It’s the proof that Tommy is in control of his shadow, not the other way around. BDSM empowered him; it didn’t erase him. The metaphor of Satan wanting to brainwash Tommy to turn him into an accomplice who destroys other subs is a metaphor for manipulative Doms who radicalize subs to make them accomplices in their propaganda. It is the exact opposite of the benevolent hypnosis of Belial and Luciferiel, who only want to help Tommy overcome his blocks, while always preserving his identity.
Regarding Satan… the line Tommy tells him about how he hates love because he doesn’t understand it and how he wants to drag other souls down to his level is also a metaphorical description of a mechanism that I believe many malignant narcissistic or psychopathic Doms experience. Those who are psychopathic biologically struggle to feel empathy and only experience arousal by controlling others, requiring ever-increasing stimuli. They’re still responsible of their actions and capable of understanding the harm caused by their actions, but they’re emotionally handicapped. It is truly unfortunate and a part of me feels compassion for them. In my opinion, many of these Doms harbor an unconscious envy of healthy subs… Unlike them, healthy subs are strong enough to yield control and trust. I think many malevolent Doms wish they could experience that feeling, but they would never allow themselves to, as they would view it as weakness. What they do instead is punish the subs for the pleasure they find in surrender by destroying their lives. The other thing these Doms envy about subs is the capacity to feel real affection and relational pleasure without an ulterior motive. This is why they hate the sub’s vanilla life and completely wipe it out. In doing so, the sub becomes two-dimensional, just like them. Ultimately, these Doms are the worst slaves of all… they are slaves to their own need for control, and they don’t even realize it.
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Story-Tommy vs Real-Life Me
As for the differences between story-Tommy and me… Well, I was bullied as a child, but for every bully I encountered, I had many more friends who loved me on a deep level. Toxic BDSM blogs state things like “subs, thank bullies for showing you your place as inferior fags early on”. I thank my bullies for showing me the difference between weak, insecure men and real Doms worthy of the title. My family has always been supportive. The unconditional love I’ve been given has always protected me. If toxic, manipulative Doms are the equivalent of Dementors, amplifying the darkness of subs until their light is extinguished, the unconditional love I’ve received from my family and friends has been my Patronus—preventing me from ever being influenced by the draining energy of manipulative Doms.
Like story-Tommy, I was indeed an A-student with a strong sense of duty and a tendency to base my self-esteem on my academic performance, which I later resolved during university. I did have a moderately religious (Christian) upbringing, but I have never had any guilt related to being gay or submissive. The shower scene in Chapter 1 is based on a real episode, but in reality, I kinda enjoyed being exposed like that. My self-esteem never faltered. I’ve always been a manipulative little slut, and I’ve always known how to push Doms’ and even subs’ buttons.
I did, however, fear losing my identity to subspace, since nearly every story I read celebrated the erasure of the sub’s identity. A part of me was aroused by the abandonment; the other was horrified by the actual loss of identity. This made me feel wrong on so many levels for a long time, until I realized that having dark fantasies is okay. Being aroused by the idea of losing oneself—for someone like me, who tends to be over-responsible and hyper-analytical—is normal, and it doesn’t indicate a genuine desire for self-obliteration. If my life weren't so full of light, my fantasies wouldn't be so dark. What has always funned me about kink is precisely the contrast with real life. My darkness in kink is not the continuation of a real darkness in life. It is the playful and self-ironic complement to my light. This is what makes it healthy. I have eventually realized that I wasn’t wrong and that those dark erotic stories were never meant to be taken as a model for real-life dynamics, even though some think they are. Those stories, however, were (and are) useful because they have allowed me to explore my darkness safely, down to the very extreme of the abyss. They’ve done their job. I recognize the enormous erotic value of those stories. Pure darkness can be highly exciting, and I would be lying if I denied that I have masturbated to them multiple times. It’s true—some stories destabilized me and made me feel guilty, but they also helped me better understand my own darkness and its dangers. I don’t want to act as the moral police. I swear that in reality, I am capable of lightheartedness. I still believe those stories are a gift that authors give to themselves—to explore their own eroticism—and to their readers. I am also aware that for many authors and readers, there is absolutely no alignment between fantasy and real-world values. For some, however, I know these stories represent ideological manifestos. This doesn’t change the fact that authors have every right to write manifesto-stories, but I reject the underlying ideology, as it is based on a simplification of human complexity and is potentially destructive if applied to reality.
It hasn’t always been this smooth, though. Like I said, in my life, I’ve experienced shame and self-loathing for my kinks, and I’ve used BDSM compulsively, even ending up meeting abusive Masters even in real life. But thankfully, I have always had the intelligence to distance myself before getting hurt too much. Now I know how to wield my darkness to my advantage. My subspace is my superpower to tackle boring tasks of service and to relax myself when I need to unwind. My vocation to service is directed toward doing good both at work and in my private life with the people I care about. Even with my husband, I channel my helpful nature both in and out of bed, without necessarily having to resort to a collar. Like I said many times, submission isn’t incompatible with vanilla life . Even giving a simple blowjob or coffee-making can be meaningful acts of service. Healthy submission comes from a mental place of generosity; it is not achieved with expensive and flashy gadgets. I didn’t get lost because I have a life full of interests and people who love me, and because I had the psychological tools to decode my fantasies without falling for manipulations. Unfortunately, it isn’t like that for everyone.
I truly wish clinical psychology would do more to help people understand what lies behind their fantasies rather than just labeling them as paraphilias, fostering shame, and leaving individuals vulnerable to the most extreme stories and toxic ideologies.
Compared to story-Tommy, I’ve never had such amazing Masters in my life. Some were good; some were truly scary. Most relationships were very transactional. After all... If one only looks for someone who plays an erotic script well to fulfill their unmet sexual needs, without looking at the person behind it, it’s no wonder that once you take away the kink, there isn’t much left. However I do have a few Dom friends that count as exceptions. I also mentored some subs and that was a truly beautiful experience. I tried to give them what I had always wanted for myself: depravity wrapped up in safety and warmth. Story-Riccardo, Marco, Francesca, Belial, and Luciferiel live in my mind. They’re a product of my Dominant polarity, which I use to defend myself and those who need protection on a daily basis. Besides… my real-life friends may not be Masters, but they do accept me in my entirety, kink and sluttiness included.
Obviously, I haven’t explored all the kinks of the story because, let’s face it, if I did, I probably wouldn’t be very healthy. After all, if someone is truly willing to sacrifice their health for a kink, it might be a sign of sex addiction. In reality, I don’t have magical protections, so I need to protect my body. Furthermore, I am neither a good dancer nor a good housekeeper, but in my fantasy, I enjoyed imagining that I was.
As for my profession, I am indeed a young psychiatrist. I am not a saint. I chose to study medicine also because of my ambition. However, I see my work as a form of service and responsibility toward my patients.
As for my beliefs, I do believe that every life has intrinsic worth, that we all have something to learn, and that we’re all connected somehow. Like story-Tommy, I share a Zen view of the world and strongly oppose any worldview based on a hierarchy of the value of lives. Every life is intrinsically valuable, period. In this, I feel aligned with the legacy of Christian culture. In this sense, kink has truly helped me overcome feelings of superiority and inferiority and consolidate my self-esteem, untethering it from any specific quality. That is the beauty of healthy kinky humiliation: you can pretend to be nothing precisely because you know your worth in reality. This is what toxic Doms will never understand. Kink has also helped me navigate vulnerability. In the final analysis, this has made me more humble. Not in the sense of being unaware of my intelligence, but in the sense of considering it a privilege to be used for good, just like all my talents, for which I am grateful.
I also believe in the Buddhist principle of universal compassion, like story-Tommy. Just like he displayed compassion for Satan himself, I have compassion even for the most psychopathic Masters and even more for the most radicalized subs. I wish them peace and healing. I believe that their souls will eventually find their way back to the light, as cliché as that might sound.
As for the Christian imagery… well, I’ve always found it pretty epic, and I like to mix the sacred and profane. After all, I am a Madonna fan ;)
From a political standpoint, like Tommy, I am a deeply democratic person, but I do not believe in ethical relativism, even though I respect the freedom of others. I am a detractor of any form of dictatorship. I don't believe an enlightened dictatorship exists, because by definition, without the opportunity for information and expression, critical thinking cannot develop and the people are infantilized—just like a sub in a TPE relationship with no possibility of negotiating boundaries. Kink has made me suffer, but it has also made me grow. It didn't just allow me to explore my sexual shadow; it also helped me resolve my relationship with power. That is what healthy kink is supposed to do: be a safe space to integrate one's forbidden impulses and find a healthy way to explore power, so as to be less repressed and manipulable in real life. My vision of BDSM is inherently democratic and benevolent, and so is my vision of power in the world. After all, those who do not integrate and resolve these dynamics end up being dominated by them in real life.
Which society has a resolved relationship with power? From the hyper-individualistic West, permeated with narcissism and devoid of social responsibility, to the collectivist East, where the Ego is annihilated to worship the absolute power of the State, to the theocratic Islam, where religious authority decides people's destiny through violence and cultural rigidity… who is saved? Just look at the oppressive gender dynamics in the world, the economic class struggles present in every country, and the number of nations under dictatorships or fake democracies, defended by their own subjects—including many 'alpha' males who think they have absolutely no desire for submission, despite worshipping dictators, wannabe dictators, narcissistic celebrities and greedy billionaires who are responsible for their misery, brainwashing and lack of agency. Talk about a twisted irony...
But don't think that abusive men in patriarchal societies, dictators, narcissistic celebrities or greedy billionaires are the winners in this game. These are people who don't know who they are without control or visibility. People who use power as a surrogate for personal fulfillment. There are no winners in the competition between fragile egos, just like there are no real friendships between fundamentally selfish people.
The day the world—whether kinky or vanilla—chooses cooperation (even within hierarchical roles and competitive-yet-fair contexts) aimed at the common good over destructive competition, perhaps we will deserve not to be pulverized by a meteorite.
Of course, for this to happen, people must learn to recognize narcissism and psychopathy, stop glorifying them, stop mistaking empathy for weakness and ruthlessness for strength, and start to acknowledge that life-human or not- is intrinsically worthy. Spirituality, psychology and even economic game theory already explain these common-sense principles, but to truly translate them into the real world, in any context, people need to combine analytical intelligence with emotional intelligence, ethics and compassion. Growing is difficult, it is much easier to worship fake idols and to manipulate vulnerable people. We still have a long way to go.
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Why I Wrote This Story
You might think I am arrogant for claiming that my vision of kink is the right one and for condemning those who promote co-dependency, role rigidity, or the erasure of the self. Well, I don’t claim to hold the absolute truth. However, I am a kinky person who has experienced kink firsthand, both in fantasy and in reality. I am a psychiatrist; I know the laws of psychology. I have no conflicts of interest, and my vision allows me to align kink with the universal rules of human rights, psychology, and even spirituality. Authors with real psychological expertise, like Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy (the authors of "The New Topping Book" and "The New Bottoming Book"), agree with me. Jung’s shadow integration theories and ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy) also confirm my vision of relational BDSM.
Speaking of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, let's debunk another myth: the idea that the sub who obliterates their identity is the only one being honest with themselves. Being sexually honest with oneself means accepting one's sexual desires and fantasies. The next step is to find an intelligent, flexible, and sustainable way to integrate them into one's life, rather than making sexual desires the only important thing in life just because the idea is arousing. The same applies to the Master: it is one thing to accept one's darkest fantasies; it is quite another to actually act them out without any ethical mediation.
Radicalized subs who believe that being devoid of critical thinking and remaining in subspace 24/7 is their true nature, along with Doms who think that dominating means making a person completely subjugated to them, will probably hate me. They will think I am a moralist who does not understand kink. In reality, I love kink and BDSM, even as a lifestyle, but I also love my work as a psychiatrist, and I will never pass off psychiatric disorders and psychological manipulation as a kinky lifestyle.
I care very little about being hated; I answer to my own conscience. My purpose is neither moral judgment nor triggering guilt for its own sake, especially for those radicalized subs who have found a way in abusive kink to escape from greater pain. They are victims; it is not their fault for the traumas they have experienced and the manipulation they have suffered. If we look closely, even a narcissist or a psychopath does not choose to be who they are. However, we are not rigidly determined. Everyone, even the most dependent sub, possesses agency. We are not defined only by our pathological traits; we are defined first and foremost by our potential to do good. I believe that everyone has some light to give. Change is possible, even for the most narcissistic Masters or those with psychopathic traits.
At the end of the day... beneath all the darkness of narcissistic or psychopathic Doms—especially in 24/7 monogamous D/s relationships—even if the sub has lost their identity, the Dom often develops a form of emotional attachment to them. Of course, it’s not true unconditional love. It is entirely conditional on the role. The love of the toxic Dom is for the control over the sub, and the love of the toxic sub is for the loss of control allowed by the Dom. Yet, it would be hypocritical to deny that an emotional attachment and a kind of intimacy, born from mutual knowledge, do sometimes develop. Even in the darkest situations, there is still occasionally a little light, however dim. It would be cruel to dismiss the emotional importance this bond can have for the people involved. For individuals with this type of personality, this might feel like the closest thing to love they will ever experience.
However, I am an idealist, and I refuse to believe that this is the absolute best these people can hope for and I do believe that the thrill of control/loss of control can be a part of a deeper, more meaningful connection.
I believe that if malignant narcissistic people and psychopaths were stripped of the cultural conditioning that reinforces their pathological traits, and if they logically chose cooperation over competition, they could even domesticate their darkness (their powers of persuasion, their knowledge of the erotic shadow, their disregard for danger, etc.) and channel it toward a greater good. This would be the hardest act of light a human being could ever perform, as it arises from a conscious mental effort rather than a natural instinct. But there’s no point in beating around the bush: personality change is a difficult journey, and it doesn't happen overnight.
Those who have found a way to consensually act out their unresolved personality traits with someone will defend their lifestyle with their teeth, just to avoid questioning themselves, abandoning easy certainties, and growing. But that is fine.
Everyone lives as they see fit, as long as they don’t commit crimes. Everyone believes what they want. However I felt the duty to share my perspective, because I believe it can do some good.
Well… now you know me.
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Final Thoughts
If Tommy’s story has spoken to someone’s heart and helped someone accept their kinky side—no matter how extreme—without giving up any other part of themselves (romance included), then it will have served its purpose. If I have planted some seed of awareness even in radicalized individuals, so be it. Above all, I hope this story and this epilogue can serve as an ethical beacon for those who are just entering the world of kink. For me, in any case, it has been deeply therapeutic.
Peace and love to all ✌️
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