Toby's Journal

My thanks to those that have shown interest in Toby's Journal entries.

This is my first time writing a story for a forum like this.

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I sat there in silence as my pediatrician Dr. Jim Pedersen, who I have known since I was a baby, went through the test results from my passing out at school, and while the initial diagnosis was that I was suffering from heat exhaustion, dehydration, and higher than normal caffeine levels in my system, which is a diuretic. 

I did admit that I had slam a Red Bull right before practice to charge me up for it and even admitted that my teammate Jake warned me about too much caffeine.
Dr. Pedersen responded, “the boy that saved your life?”  I said “Yes.”  His responded, “you should have taken your teammates advice Toby.  Had you passed out alone, you could have a severe head trauma from the fall.  I replied back, “I know.  Jake saved my life Doctor Jim.

Dr. Pedersen then went on to say, “well Toby was rehydrated and his vitals returned to normal, at least we thought they did until we found this. . “ as he turned on the flat screen TV in his office, presses a few buttons on his computer, and then a recording of my EKG was being played on the screen.  It went on for several minutes, and I, mom, Ted, and Dr. Rosenberg watched in silence.

Once the recording was done, Dr. Pedersen said “Toby, that was your heartbeat right before you were discharged, it seemed a little high for my concern, so that’s why I ordered an MRI for you.  I’ll let Bernie take over next.”

Dr Rosenberg then got up and says “pull up Toby’s MRI scan of his heart Jim” and Dr. Jim did.  Doctor Rosenberg then added “and then pull up the MRI of young Caucasian male, seventeen years old that is six foot, two inches and weighs and approximately 170 to 180 lbs.”

I looked at the TV screen and see two side-by-side MRI images of my heart; one of me and one of another person of the same stats of me.

Doctor Rosenberg continued on: “this here is Toby’s heart” as he pointed to mine, and then added “this one of the other one, and Jim can you superimpose the smaller image over the larger one?”

Dr. Jim does that and I saw the smaller heart over the larger one.

And from there I knew that this was not going to turn out good for me and just say “well us O’Malley men just naturally have big hearts in that we love so much” but is seems that my attempt at humor fell on deaf ears in there.

Dr. Rosenberg continued on my saying, as you see from the MRI scan “Toby’s heart is bigger than the other one, not by much but enough to warrant concern in that we managed to catch it early.  He is still growing, and body has not fully physically matured, that will still be in a few years.”

Dr. Jim then adds in, “Toby I suspect, and Dr. Rosenberg agrees that you have either ‘hypertrophic cardiomyopathy’ or ‘HCM’ for short or maybe ‘Athlete’s Heart’ or ‘AHS’, either way both are bad, and due to genetic disposition in that your both you father Patrick and paternal grandfather Seamus passed away at such young ages that you as a male inherited that gene.  Further testing is recommended but at least we caught in in time.”

I just sat there and wept as Dr. Jim went on and on.  I zoned out by then and cried.

My mom takes a hold of my hand and said to me in a loving voice “I know this is tough baby but be grateful and thank God that we caught this in time.  I don’t want to lose you like I did Patrick.  You are all that reminds me of him Toby.”

I wiped my tears away and once I get over the initial shock of the test results, I asked Dr. Jim, “so can I play sports?  Play lacrosse?” as I thought about being around Jake and the team (and yes even those dicks Dean and Tommy Dean) in that they are a way of escaping from my mother’s constant overbearing of me.  

Dr. Jim replies “at this point I don’t know Toby.  Only a truly professional specialist in these heart conditions can make a proper diagnosis, but both Dr. Rosenberg I still believe that you have HCM that was passed down to you. 

“Toby I am sorry to give you but trust me when I say that if you continue with any strenuous sport that causes stress on your heart like lacrosse, in that it requires a lot of running, then one day you could literally drop dead and die, just like your father.

And as I heard those words from Dr. Jim, if the day my dad dropping dead in front of me was the worst day of my life, then today was a runner up to it and I broke down and cried.

Mom tried to comfort me by hugging and kissing me on the cheeks, wiping away my tears and all and saying to me “I’m so sorry baby. I’m so sorry.  I know how much it means to you.”

I stand up and said as I hugged her “thanks mom, and sorry a bheith ina dick (being a dick in Irish) these past few days I knew you meant well and have always had my best interests at heart.

Mom just replied “yes you have Sean Tobias, and you know us Irish mothers.  We love our children more than God, and I love you so much and don’t want to lose you.”

After all the kissing and hugging is done with mom, Ted had to get involved by being somewhat emotional with me and once and give me a faux “fatherly hug” and saying to me “I’m sorry for the bad news Toby.  You could always take up baseball or golf as a sport.”

I just replied back to Ted “yeah I’m not in that those are faggot sports” and the look that Ted gave me after that was not a good on in that he just said back to me “I played baseball in high school and some in college and I play golf.”

Dr. Jim interrupts Ted and mine ‘stepfather and son’ moment to say “Kathy, you know that Toby will be eighteen soon, May the Fourth I believe. It’s only a few weeks away.  After that he is considered an adult by law and can make his own medical decisions.

He added in “but I am sure Toby can still be involved in team practices and events in some way or another but just not in playing games at this time, so I recommend being him being on IR for now until he can be reevaluated in six months’ time and give his heart to heal some and let the rest of his body grow.”

I smile as I heard that news, something to look forward to but as I looked at my mother’s face she didn’t look too happy about what Dr. Jim just told us.  In that she just said “thank you for your time, Jim, Dr. Rosenberg” as she shook Dr. Rosenberg’s hand and I saw Dr. Jim approach mom she just turned away from him and left.

Ted thanked them both as well, I just said “thanks docs’ and left.

I was about to follow them out as well until I heard Dr. Jim say to me “stay a moment Toby I want to have a private word with you, without Kathy and Ted.”

I just said “sure thing but is it ‘Dr. Jim’ my soon to be former pediatrician  or is it James Mads Pedersen, my Godfather, who swore a Holy Oath to look after me when I was baptized. . .