The Study Journal

September 12, 2009 High school sucks. I had hoped it would be different.

It happened in gym just like it did back in middle school. I can't help it. When they take off their clothes to shower I look. I try not to, but I do and I get caught. They laugh at me.

A guy in three of my classes asked me if I was gay. I couldn't believe he would just lean over and ask that in class, but he was all serious. Told me it was ok if I was. Ok??? At least he didn't have gym with me.

October 12, 2009 Robert, the guy who asked if I was gay has turned out to be a good friend. One of the few. We don't live too close to each other but on weekends he rides the bus close to my neighborhood and then we ride bikes together. I like Robert.

December 29, 2009 Robert just left to go home and I'm really confused about a few things.

April 4, 2013 Robert and I continue to spend all the time we can together even though our parents try to stop us. I think they know.

June 4, 2013 Graduation is finally here and I can't get excited about it. Instead I'm depressed. Robert is going into the Navy. His family can't afford college and he doesn't have the grades for a scholarship. So he's going into the Navy. He leaves right after our graduation ceremony. Fuck. I know this is the end. He told me we each had to move on. So I'll spend the summer at this job I found washing cars and waiting for fall to get here so I can get away from this place. I hope college really is a new start.

September 4, 2013 So far it is different, a lot different. The hardest part is living in the dorm. My roommate is the most un-selfconscious person I have ever met and it drives me insane. He comes back from his shower and parades naked in the room. He is so busy talking about his classes or some event happening on campus or worse yet, something going on in politics that he'll take half an hour to dry off and put on just his briefs. I try not to look, try to focus on looking him in the face when he is talking to me, or better yet, keep my nose buried in a textbook while he is jabbering away, but it doesn't work. I look. The son of bitch is tall and although not some muscled up jock, he does have a nice body and his cock, the way it is so long even flaccid, hanging over his balls. GOD it drives me nuts. I've seen him jerking off late at night (I ease over and peak down from my bunk) and it doesn't get a lot bigger, but it is thick. I have dreams of touching him. He reads girlie magazines all the time so it kills any hope I have to actually doing anything with him.

October 26, 2013 Classes are kicking my ass and I still find myself feeling like a kid lost in a sea of older guys. So many of them seem so much older with their full beards, hairy chests, and the bodies, all muscles, their shirts stretched so tight, it makes me feel like I did when I first went to high school. And that roommate of mine is down on his lower bunk buck ass naked as I write this. He's just laying there on his back asleep. FUCK, FUCK, FUCK. I sometimes think Ian knows how much he affects me.

I went to a gay support group and I thought it might be okay but I just couldn't get with the program. I can barely admit it to myself even though it does seem to be much more acceptable on campus. There is a guy down the hall who is so open about it all the guys joke with him about what he does sexually. I think several have been to his room for blowjobs. I don't want to be another dorm outlet for sexual frustrations. I want...something else. I still think of Robert.

October 29, 2013 This evening was interesting. Ian and I spent the afternoon and evening together. We both just wrapped up a round of exams and desperately needed a break. We went to this state park about an hour away and hiked. Afterwards we can back, cleaned up and went out for dinner. Ian choose a nice restaurant, one that wasn't loud with several TVs playing sports and we just talked. I don't know, maybe I'm just being silly.

November 8, 2013 I came in early from my lab since the instructor called out and found Ian on his bed jerking off. Nothing unusual about that except his casually hiding the magazine he was looking at while doing it. I have walked in on him numerous times and he would cover up, say something stupid about blue balls and leave the girlie magazine lying out. I wonder what he was looking at this time. Probably some fetish rag he is embarrassed to let me see although what he would ever be embarrassed about I have no idea. I on the other hand, since I get home after Ian most days, resort to a hand job in a toilet stall when I can't seem to get it to go down. I have sneaked one at one time or another during the night, but damn if my bed doesn't squeak like a mother. I know he knows when I do that for he has made sly smart ass comments the next day. I wish I could just do it in front of Ian, just grab my dick and jerk off right in front of him and admit......

...admit I was thinking of him when I did it.

November 10, 2013 I want to run out on campus and yell at the top of my lungs to everyone what I just found. I know I shouldn't have done it but my curiosity got the best of me. I went into Ian's stash of porno and dug down through the magazines to see if I could find what he was too embarrassed to let me see a couple of days ago.

And oh fuck what I found. Below several of those tits and ass rags were four men mags that showed full frontal nudity with hard cocks. I looked at them jacking my dick until I came twice. I was afraid Ian was going to return and catch me with them but I got them put back and showered off before he got back. He's down on his bunk reading and I want so bad to lean over and tell him I found them. But I know I can't. Time to study and try not to think about pictures of naked boys in Ian's drawer.

November 11, 2013 Oh fuck.

I'm having to hang out at the library till it closes and hope Ian is finally asleep when I get back to the dorm. Fuck, fuck, fuck; did I fuck up. I came in from my last class and as soon as I walked in he jumped up and began to berate me, yelling about me going through his stuff when he wasn't here, just completely freaked about my invasion of what little privacy he had and I was dumbfounded. The way he paraded naked, let me see his girlie magazines and then it hit me; the boy mags. He finally admitted to them and said they were not in the order he had put them away. I tried to diffuse his anger, told him I didn't care about him looking at them, and admitting to looking at all of them myself, hoping he'd get the hint. But man he was so angry, so riled up I had to leave. Have to stop and try to get a paper finished for tomorrow.

November 12, 2013 I'm sitting in the cafeteria and it is just a little past 6 am. Damn, I didn't realize so many others were up this early. I snuck out of the dorm this morning before Ian woke up. I wanted to wake him, ask him if he was still mad but just couldn't do it. He was facing the wall this morning and I had the idea he wasn't really asleep and that scared me. Maybe he was ignoring me and would look to get another room for next semester. Suddenly the idea of it is upsetting. There's nothing between us, not like it was with Robert but it feels the same.

I have to do something, but first it is English then the other four classes. Hope I can focus on them but right now I can't think straight. I didn't sleep a wink last night and my stomach is in knots. fuck

***

Ian closed the journal and stared at its cover. He had skipped around, reading different parts, some Charlie had marked and others he chose randomly. He knew Charlie had seemed different from most guys when they found themselves roommates in the dorm but after some time he began to realize it was a difference he tried not to think about, tried to think of something else and he had begun to look at more porn than he ever had before, looked at all those different girls, posing in so many provocative ways and it had worked for a while, but then Charlie would do something, some little act, or say something that was phrased just a certain way and he knew, knew without a shadow of doubt and when he found some information printed out on the gay support group on campus it was just confirmation.

Ian thought of all the preconceptions people had of gay guys, the flamboyant lifestyles, the very openness of their sexuality, an exploration of this sexuality and then he thought of his roommate, Charlie, who he thought was such a prude. Ian had yet to see him naked. He rarely went without a shirt, but now he wondered if it was some reaction to him hating to wear clothes, going around in his briefs most of the time. Ian thought of the few times he had seen Charlie in just his boxers, big baggy cheap things that gave away nothing. Charlie was average in build with very fair skin, skin that looked so soft and smooth Ian wondered how he felt, if he was as soft as some of the girls he had made out with over the years. Charlie had light brown hair that if he let dry naturally would be curly, making him look really young.

Ian lay back across his bed, his legs dangling over the side and held up the journal. It was this morning when Charlie made his last entry and Ian realized the thing he was going to do was let him read his journal. Read his most intimate thoughts, read what he really felt, thought, and get a clearer view of who Charlie was as a person. Ian took a deep breath and laid the journal on the bed and got up. He knew Charlie would be at the library for it was the place he always went to get away, to hide out when he didn't want to see Ian or someone else. He could call but knew Charlie would probably not answer for fear of what Ian had to say making him delay any confrontation. He pulled on a tank top and jeans, slipped his feet into some flip-flops and headed out the door.

As he walked across the dark campus, pools of light illuminating spots along the way, he realized he had over reacted when Charlie had found those magazines, in fact, he was now glad he had found them, pushed this whole issue out in the open. Ian could now tell himself that no matter how much he appreciated the beauty of women, it was men that really captured his desires and he had put it off long enough. He desperately wanted to know what it was like to be with a man, to feel someone who was aggressive, masculine, sexual in a way that reflected who he was. He had had chances in the past but had never acted on them, always afraid to think of himself as gay but now it just didn't make sense, didn't seem important, the labels, the idea he was some narrowly defined person. As he rounded around The Quad and saw the library up ahead, sitting up higher on a hill, its interior all lit up he smiled, a nervous smile, for he realized that all through his looking at the gay porn, when he was fully erect, his hand stroking his cock and he was about to come he had to admit to himself the image he always had when he came was Charlie.

Ian roamed the library, floor by floor, having no idea where Charlie liked to sit, what dark corner he would be hiding out. The library was four floors and there was sitting areas in the central open areas, along the perimeter and in some nooks. By the fourth floor, half way around he was about to think he was wrong, that Charlie was somewhere else, maybe the library the Architecture Department had in its complex, or maybe the student union building. He was about to give up as he made a last loop on the north end of the floor and he saw him, sitting alone at a table in a small area off to the side. Only light was the lamp on the table and he was sitting with his head down on top of his arms, his books still open but pushed back from him. Ian could tell his eyes were open and he was just staring down at the table top. He eased up to the end of the table and stood there looking at his roommate, unsure what to say.

Charlie's mind had been such a swirling mess for so long he had shut down and just pushed his books back and put his head down. How long he'd been like that he didn't know but suddenly he was aware someone was standing at the table. He waited to see if they'd say something or better yet, go away. He didn't think he could hold a conversation with someone at the moment. He wanted to be left alone.

He had gotten back to the dorm room after his last class, knowing he had about an hour before Ian returned. He showered and changed his clothes and once dressed he sat at his desk for a few minutes, staring at the photos he had stuck to his bulletin board. His parents, a photo of him last summer at his job and a photo of Robert and him after they had rode their bikes. It seemed so long ago. He opened the bottom drawer of his desk and pulled out his journal. The leather cover was still in good condition but now had the character marks of its use, the scuffs and marks of having traveled with Charlie for the last few years. He knew it wasn't a real diary since he didn't write in it on a daily basis but he had written most days, even if just a line or two. Now he opened it up and pulling out the colored page markers he used in his text books he began to mark certain entries, quickly, trying not to second guess himself, just tagging the ones he thought important. When he was satisfied he had the ones he needed tagged he closed the journal, got up from his desk and laid it on Ian's bed. He grabbed up his backpack and keys and headed out, leaving the journal lying there with no note for he knew it was obvious what was expected. After being in the library for the last five hours he wasn't so sure he had done the right thing.

The person was still at the table and finally they cleared their throat and Charlie sat up, his eyes red from lack of sleep and being on the verge of tears for the last few hours. He looked up and saw it was Ian and he took a deep breath and waited.

"Charlie...I'm sorry about yesterday. I just freaked out; I've been so confused with some things, afraid of what I was feeling...ya know? I just...want you to come back to the dorm. Okay?"

Charlie sat for a moment, not sure he heard Ian correctly. He actually had to close his mouth and swallow once before responding.

"You don't want me to move out? You're not mad?"

"No Charlie, I'm not mad. Do you think you could just come on back to our room?"

"Yeah... I can do that. I'm tired of sitting here anyway."

For the first time Ian smiled, a small gesture, simple, but it made Charlie feel immensely better. "I bet having been here all day. Have you even stopped to eat dinner?"

Charlie looked at Ian and shook his head no.

"Jesus. Come on, let's walk over to that sandwich shop on College Street; my treat."

They made their way to the small sandwich shop where Ian bought their dinner. They talked casually as they ate, discussed in vague terms the things that had happened and how they had ended up at this place in this situation and by the end there was an acknowledgment of the silliness of the situation, the worry for nothing. As soon as they were finished they walked back to the dorm and made their way through the building, avoiding getting caught up with anyone as they made their way to their room.

Ian opened the door and let Charlie enter, following him in, locking the door as he did. Charlie went over to his chair at his desk as Ian went to his bed, picked up the journal and held it out to Charlie.

"I think you should put this away; it is too personal for you to let anyone see it."

Charlie nodded and took it, opening the bottom drawer and putting it in its usual place below his DVD and CD cases. He looked up at Ian as he sat down on his bed. They sat in silence for a moment, the tension between them tense, electric, until Ian shifted on his bed and sat up on the edge.

"Charlie...stand up" he asked, his voice flat, far away.

Charlie looked at Ian questioningly but he stood up and faced Ian. Ian stood up and came up in front of him, close, so close they could hear each other breathing. Ian reached out and began to undo the buttons on Charlie's shirt, meticulously he pushed each button through its hole, working from top to bottom, opening the shirt.

"You shouldn't be shy about taking off your clothes, especially not in front of me, okay?" Ian whispered to Charlie as he pushed the shirt off his shoulders and let it drop on the floor. Charlie's pale fair skin seemed to glow in the dimly lit room, only Ian's desk lamp being on a lower setting. Ian ran his hand over Charlie's chest, felt the smooth soft skin, felt his nipples slide under his fingers as he ran them around. He then looked up into Charlie's face as he ran his hand up and around Charlie's chin.

"I tried to deny my attractions, have for so long, but these last few months were especially tough. I...I tried to tell myself I could make force myself to be what others wanted me to be, but..." he didn't finish what he was going to say, instead he leaned over and kissed Charlie on the lips, gently pressed against him. Suddenly the invisible barrier that had existed between them came down, the tension, and Charlie kissed back, passionately, as he wrapped his arms around Ian's body. Tongues dueled as they locked themselves together and Ian ran a hand down Charlie's back, the smooth skin letting his hand glide downward. He let his hand run over Charlie's jeans covered ass, squeezing his cheeks, pulling their bodies together. When Ian pulled away he reached for Charlie's jeans, unbuttoned them, pulled down the zipper and tugged them down. Ian followed them down, bringing them to his ankles. He got Charlie to lift one foot then the other, taking off his shoes, socks and his jeans. Ian stayed on his knees looking up at Charlie, up past his old baggy boxers and seeing them tent out finally revealing his masculinity underneath, and along his lean stomach and flat chest and up into his eyes, knowing how bright blue they were, impossibly bright sky blue and he looked back down at the tented boxers, leaned forward and put his mouth on the cock pushing outward, let him lips wrap around the head beneath the fabric. He sucked on the head, wet the cotton fabric until it was almost transparent, the flared head visible. He ran his lips along the shaft and buried his face in his crotch smelling his masculine scent.

Ian ran each hand slowly up Charlie's legs, feeling the lightly haired legs under his fingers, the smooth skin, and he moved up and took the waist band of his boxer and tugged them down. Charlie's cock popped out, bounced in his face and he opened his mouth and let it slide through his lips. Charlie gasped as Ian worked down his cock. Ian held Charlie's thighs and worked his mouth up and down the hard cock, and although his rhythm was irregular, his technique rough, Charlie had not felt anything so good in a long, long time. He put his hands on Ian's head and ran his fingers through the light blonde hair. Ian let go and began to undo his jeans, open them up and push them down as much as possible in his position. He pushed his briefs down and freed his cock, the hard thick shaft sticking straight out.

Charlie pulled back till his cock was bobbing in the air and he reached down and tugged Ian's tank top up and over his head, tossing it on the floor. Ian then worked his jeans and briefs off before sucking Charlie's cock back into his mouth. He sucked on the head and let the shaft push down over his tongue, taking as much of it as he could. Charlie braced himself on Ian's shoulders and began to rock his hips, pumped his cock in Ian's mouth until his cock was so hard, his need to cum rising up and he pulled back, stopped Ian from pushing him over the edge.

Ian stood up and took his hand and led him to his bed. Charlie followed Ian down on the bed and was soon spooned up next to him, pressed their bodies together as they ran their hands over each other.

"Ian."

"Yeah" he replied, his voice barely audible.

"I've not done it before, ya know."

"Yeah, we don't have to do that" Charlie replied serious in not wanting to make Ian uncomfortable.

"No, that's not it" Ian replied as he looked Charlie in the eye, his face all serious. "I want you to do me; show me how."

Charlie just stared at Ian's dark shadowed face and still perceived his desire, the need to have him. "Okay."

Charlie moved back and let Ian move onto his back and he moved down between his legs and got on top of him, let him feel his body, feel the warmth, their cocks pushing against each other as he kissed Ian, ran his lips over his neck, his ear, his hands roaming over his body, one going down, working down and between them taking Ian's cock and stroking it. Ian responded, pushed up against Charlie and spread his legs further. Charlie let go of Ian's cock and moved down below his balls, ran his fingers down till he was touching Ian, pressing against him, feeling his tightness and Ian moaned into his mouth and pushed his hole against Charlie's finger and Charlie pressed it into him, breached his opening, penetrated him. Ian's hips rose up and pushed down Charlie's finger and his hugged Charlie to him. Charlie kept working his finger in Ian till he felt him loosen slightly then he pulled back and put two against him, feeling the previous tightness once again and he pressed them into Ian, felt his hole stretch open and Ian grunted and stretched out his torso, his arm thrown over his head.

"Stretch me open" Ian whispered as his body was all laid out for Charlie. Charlie worked quickly, caught Ian still stretched out and pushed a third finger into him, stretched his hole feeling his body quiver underneath him.

"Oh fuck" Ian whispered.

Charlie worked his fingers, fucking Ian with them till he loosened up and they slid in and out easily. He felt Ian begin to work his hips with his fingers, letting them push in as far as they would go. Ian was ready. Charlie rose up over Ian and put his cock against Ian, let the wet head smear over Ian's hole, push against it, and he pressed downward letting his cock penetrate Ian. Charlie eased his cock into Ian inch by inch till he was buried all the way in his hole. He held still a moment, pressing his lips to Ian's neck, then nipping Ian's ear, tonguing it, keeping Ian worked up, pushing his desire, his want, his need.

Ian wrapped his arms around Charlie's neck and he wrapped his legs around his waist, hugging the lean smooth body against his own.

"Fuck me, Charlie" he whispered.

Charlie pulled back with his hips and then eased back down, over and over till he felt Ian take him easily, and he picked up his pace, began to rock his hips faster and faster, thrusting his cock into Ian faster, harder, shoving down into him. Ian's cock was pressed into his stomach and his undulations, the movement of his body as he fucked, were rubbing it, making it harder, making it leak, slicking the head and making the rubbing even more sensitive. Ian pushed up with his ass with such need, working his hole on Charlie's cock as Charlie shoved downward and his cock flared up thicker, harder and Ian tensed up, felt his need to cum.

"Oh fuck, I'm going to cum" and Ian pushed up into Charlie, pushed his cock over Charlie's smooth stomach and he shot, his cock ejaculating wad after wad between them. Ian's hole milked Charlie's cock as he came and Charlie drove himself into Ian hard, slammed down into him, unable to control himself, forcing his cock as deep into Ian as he could, making Ian's bed squeak and Ian moan and grunt, his ejaculating cock still shooting cum, just dribbles now, as Charlie finally thrust hard into him and came, pumping his load into his depths. Charlie kept thrusting his cock, shoving the shooting head into Ian until his hole and Charlie's cock were slick with cum. Charlie finally feel still and lay on Ian, breathing hard as Ian ran his hands up and down Charlie's side, rubbing his skin, rubbing the tension back out.

"That was great" Ian whispered in Charlie's ear. Charlie moved over and started to get up but Ian held him down and pulled him next to him, spooned their bodies together. Charlie relaxed, enjoyed the feel of Ian against him, and they settled down, soon falling asleep, Ian then Charlie.

November 18, 2013 The last few days have been the best ever. I don't know how to say what I feel. Ian and I have been having such a good time together; we've even started to help each other with the homework so as to have more free time. I was afraid Ian was going to freak out when it was obvious the guys on our floor knew something was going on but he just joked around with them as he had done in the past and it was alright.

Definitely better than high school. A lot better.