Questions of Commitment
We got the trees set up but decided to decorate them the next day. We had a simple dinner and tried to figure out how to go about finding Doc. Unfortunately, I could see no path forward. “He withdrew from everyone he knew. He was terrified one of his friends would see him at the Y and find out he’d been wasting his life. He isn’t in contact with his folks. He’s got no siblings. His ex-fiancé wouldn’t know anything. I doubt anyone he worked with at Methodist Hospital would know. I can’t report him missing because he and I are nothing to each other. He’s an adult and I’m not his uncle or his father or even his friend anymore. Ben hasn’t seen him. There’s nowhere to start.”
Walt took a pragmatic view. “You said you gave the men at the YMCA our telephone number. Maybe they’ll find him. It’s a big city and because of you, he has some money and a reliable car that could take him anywhere. I’ll help you look wherever you want, but I have no idea where.”
“I don’t like doing nothing. I was a detective. I should be able to detect.”
He seized on my old profession. “What about Harrison Stiles? He’s a detective. Why not telephone him? Maybe you can put your heads together and come up with a way forward.”
I’d forgotten about Harry. I met him when I was working to save David’s son Larry from going to prison for murder. At the time he’d been both a freelance detective who did contract work for the public defender’s office and a self-destructing alcoholic. I browbeat Alex Scofield, Larry’s lawyer, into helping me browbeat Harry into drying out. He got off the sauce and was eventually able to live a better life. He embraced his homosexuality and even dated. He hadn’t found a husband, but he had a steady partner, plus friends and a social circle. He did well for himself. He was also an excellent detective. I praised Walt’s suggestion.
“That’s a great idea. Harry might also have a contact with the police who could help if we’re completely out of ideas. Thanks, Love.”
I did as Walt said and spoke to a groggy and exhausted man who I’d woken from a sound sleep. He explained what he was doing in bed. “I’m on a case. I’m working a couple of ‘em at the same time. It goes without saying that I’ll do anything for you, but can it wait? My schedule is a mess. I’m catching my sleep whenever I can get it.”
I apologized for waking him and asked him to call me as soon as he was free. He promised he would and hung up.
I was disappointed he couldn’t help right away, but I understood that his first priority had to be to his work. I also had to admit the reality of the situation. I didn’t know very much about Doc, certainly not enough to try to find him in a city of two million people. I rubbed my face in disgust and swore into my painful palms. I set the matter aside for the time being and moved my attention to the next event in Walt and my life. “Larry and Stephan are coming to dinner tomorrow. How should we get ready for them?”
Walt had the perfect suggestion. “Let’s decorate! We’ll make this place a winter wonderland like the song says. We can trim the tree and wrap the presents and listen to Christmas music on the radio. I’ll make a nice dinner for the four of us and we’ll have a merry time with our friends.”
That’s what we did. The next evening after an exceptional dinner, Larry and Stephan and Walt and me sat in the living room as the tree twinkled in the corner and soft Christmas music played on the radio. We were having coffee and enjoying each other’s company. Larry and Stephan were dressed as conservatively as they ever were.
Larry wore grey polyester slacks and a peach turtle-neck sweater. The sweater seemed to barely contain his broad upper body and showed him off to advantage. Stephan certainly picked it. He was the stylish member of the pair. Stephan was dressed only slightly more flamboyantly in checked slacks, a yellow shirt and a red ascot tie. He obviously tried to restrain himself to visit our apartment, but his long-legged grace showed through.
We kept the conversation light through the meal and dove into the heady stuff once we were settled. I opened the discussion with an announcement. “Just so there’s no misunderstanding at the outset, I told Walt what happened when I stayed over the other night. He and I have made our peace with it. Now you know and there shouldn’t be any awkwardness.”
Stephan folded one knee over the other and bounced his foot in the air. Larry rubbed his hands together like his father would. He reached for Stephan’s hand and took it when it was offered. Stephan laughed a lilting little chuckle and offered an apology to Walt. “I am sorry, WALT-er dear. The whole escapade was MY FAULT ENTIRELY. Lar simply followed where I led. If there are to be ANY hard feelings, please visit them upon me.”
Walt dismissed Stephan’s mea-culpa. “As Law said, we’ve made our peace with it.”
I added a thought of my own. “Besides, we got something out of it. Stephan, I’ve been following your advice and it works.”
Walt wanted to know what I meant. “What advice?”
“I told our friends how frustrated I was that every time I’d leave the room, you’d do something you weren’t supposed to. Stephan said you probably did it because you didn’t want to feel like a burden. He said if I stuck by you and we did everything together, I wouldn’t have to worry and you wouldn’t overwork. I listened and we’ve been doing everything together.”
Walt offered his own thanks. “I appreciate you, Stephan. You were right. I hated to see Law working so hard to take care of me. His poor hands hurt all the time. I couldn’t stand him hurting himself when I thought I was perfectly capable of doing things for myself. We’ve been getting along much better since his night at your house. No matter your methods, the results speak for themselves.”
Stephan received the thanks graciously and I dragged the discussion back on topic. “Alright, you two, Larry said you wanted to see us because you were interested in what it was like to live as a monogamous couple. Here we are. What do you want to know?”
Larry squeezed his partner’s hand and spoke for both of them. “After the other night, Steph and me talked a lot. The stuff Law said made a lot of sense. I also did a lotta thinking on my own. You know, Walt, when Law came to us, he was beside himself. In all the years I’ve known him, I’ve never seen him as broken up as he was that night. We held him between us while he told how worried he was about you and how lonely he felt when you said you might choose the restaurant over him. He cried. We had to dry his tears. You hurt him.”
Walt nodded. “I know I did.”
Larry interrupted. “Let me finish, please.” Walt quieted. Larry took a deep breath and went on. “I held my hero while he cried because he was hurt deep in his soul.” He pointed his free hand at me. “That man is my hero. He saved my father. He made it possible for my father to be a father. He saved me from prison when no one else could. He got shot and almost died while he was saving me. I love him, but I hurt him too. Steph and me both hurt him because we were stupid. I didn’t realize how wrong we were to do what we did until he explained how he felt about me. I didn’t understand how stupid we’d been until he told us how worried he was for us and our future.
“When I saw him cry, I hated you, Walt. I didn’t hold onto the hatred for long, but I felt it. For just a little while, I hated you for hurting my hero.” He took another long breath and adjusted his grip on Stephan’s hand. “Later, after he forgave Steph and me for hurting him, he went home to make up with you, and I had to sit with what I’d done. I asked Steph what he thought about the whole thing. He said…”
Larry paused and gestured for his partner to tell us what he said. Stephan uncrossed his legs and folded one of them underneath him. When he spoke, it was without his normal theatrics. He talked like a regular man. Even his voice was deeper. “I said Law must love you completely, Walter dear, for him to be as devastated as he was when he came to us. Lar asked if he and I loved each other that much. I said of course we do, but Lar asked something I hadn’t counted on.”
Larry accepted the narration back. “I asked if he could give up the theater for me. I wanted to know because the disagreement between the two of you was over the restaurant. The way Steph loves the theater is the same as the way Walt loves the restaurant. Steph said he loved me as much as Law loves Walt. I said, if that was true, he could walk away from the theater for me.”
Stephan lifted himself from his cushion and folded his other leg underneath like he was a nesting bird. The position looked uncomfortable as hell, but it settled him. “The theater is my life. I always wanted to be a dancer. I wasn’t good enough. I say I didn’t make it because I’m too tall. Maybe that’s some of it, but honestly, I just wasn’t good enough.
“I became a choreographer instead. I’m successful. I’m sought after. Directors and producers beg me to put my magic touch on their productions. I love the theater more than life itself. When Larry asked if I could give it up, I felt hollow inside. I love Larry, but I love the theater. I wouldn’t want to have to pick one or the other. It bothered me that I couldn’t answer right away. I didn’t like what that meant about me.”
Larry spoke again. “It meant that we only thought we loved each other. It meant that we enjoy each other’s company, but if it came down to a life changing sacrifice, neither of us knew if the other was worth it. Walt, you obviously decided your relationship was worth more than the restaurant. How did you decide?”
Walt answered. “The restaurant was my dream from the time I was very young. My father made me want to be a chef in my own restaurant. He loved art in all its forms. He loved poetry, theater, and literature. He also loved to cook. He taught that cooking was art just like poetry or painting. He explained that all art was created for the benefit of the consumer. A poet writes to be read and a chef cooks to be appreciated. My dad taught me the pleasure of cooking for others. He showed me the joy that I could bring to people by creating fine food for them.
“From the time I was a kid, I wanted to open my own restaurant to make people happy. The world can be so damn difficult, and I wanted to create a place where people could escape and be happy, even for a little while. I worked my whole life to have my dream. Me and Law opened Walt’s Special in 1947. I got to live my dream for twenty-one years. I also got to love Law. When I was faced with the reality of having to surrender my dream, I fought. I wasn’t wrong for fighting. If I hadn’t fought my whole life, I never would have had my dream at all. I was wrong because of who I fought.
“Law is my partner. Instead of fighting against him, I should have made him my ally to help me hold onto as much of the dream as was possible for me to keep. Law was my ally even when I was fighting him. He worked out an arrangement that allows the restaurant to stay open, and keeps my Firestone stars on the wall, and maintains the reputation I fought so hard to earn. He fought for my dream when I couldn’t. I fought him because I was too worried about holding onto what was already beyond my grasp. I was wrong and I’m sorry for what I did.”
Walt stopped talking without drawing a conclusion. He seemed to think his oration answered the question. I saw that it didn’t and tried to draw the conclusion that he hadn’t. “It’s easy to look at the fight Walt and I had as a choice between me and the restaurant. Even I saw it that way at the time. That wasn’t the choice. The restaurant was already lost. The choice was between accepting that it was lost and holding tight to each other to endure the end of the dream together, or fighting against the loss and destroying everything we’ve built.
“Larry, the question you asked Stephan was the wrong one. It’s not whether he would give up the theater for you. The question should have been, if he had to give up the theater, how would you handle it as a couple? Could your relationship survive a loss of that magnitude? Could you hold fast to each other through the emotional storm and come out stronger for it? Obviously, Stephan could ask that question of you, though the loss would have to be something different. The true question for both of you is, if everything good in your life was ripped away except the love of your partner, would that be enough to sustain you?”
Larry scrubbed his hands together. “I didn’t realize.”
Stephan hugged himself tightly. “Neither did I.”
I went on. “No one really knows how they’ll deal with adversity until it befalls them. The decision to join your lives comes first. When adversity comes, you’ll find out if you’re equal to it. The real question you both need to ask yourselves is whether the relationship is worth a try. It’s hard to be devoted to one person. It’s hard to build a life together. It’s worth it, though.
“For me, it’s worth it every single day I wake up next to Walt. It’s worth it every single night when I go to sleep next to him. It’s worth it a million times in between when he kisses me good morning, or fixes my tie, or worries if I cough, or mothers me when I don’t come in out of the rain. It’s worth it to know he loves me first and always, even if we fight. It’s worth it to know that I love him the same way, even if I don’t show it as well as I should. A relationship is just like anything else in life, the more effort you put in, the better it will be.”
Stephan thought he found a flaw in my explanation. “What about free love?”
Walt took up the question. “There’s no such thing. Love must be earned, just like respect and trust. You might have free sex, but I doubt that exists either. I’ve never had sex that was free. I always had to pay for it in some fashion, either with time, or feigned affection, or real affection, or by surrendering a part of myself I would later wish I hadn’t, like a kernel of my self-respect. I bet if you think about the encounters you’ve both had, you’d come to the same conclusion. You always have to give something in order to gain. Besides, if love was free, would you want it?”
“What do you mean?”
“I heard people say the best things in life are free. That’s true only in the respect that those things don’t cost money. The best things in life, love, trust, mutual respect, loyalty, faith, all take hard work, sacrifice and struggle. No one will just give them to you, and you won’t freely give them away. If you did, they would have no value at all. That’s the point.”
Walt took my hand and held it tightly. He lifted it like he wanted to show it off to our young guests. “I fought to have this man. I pursued him for years, long after most reasonable people would have given up. Even when I gained his devoted physical presence, I still didn’t have his heart. I had to teach him what it meant to receive love and to give it back. He’d been so hurt in his youth that he had no idea what it was like to be loved. His heart was like a pearl locked inside a clam. I finally broke through his tough shell when he and I married. I gave him a gold ring under the rose arbor in the backyard of my parent’s house. He opened himself and gave me his heart in return.”
Stephan thought he caught Walt in a fallacy. “You bought him with a ring!”
I disagreed. “He could have given me a cigar band. I love my ring for its permanence, but he could have proposed to me with nothing more than a kiss. He won me with the sincerity of the gesture. Before that gesture, I did whatever I could to help Walt because I thought I owed him. He’s right when he says I didn’t know what it felt like to be loved. He taught me when he proposed. His act was selfless and romantic and beautiful.
“From a transactional perspective, there was nothing in it for him. He had me. I was faithful and dedicated and entirely his because I was beholden to him. He didn’t want a servant, which is what I’d been up to that point; he wanted a partner. His proposal convinced me that he loved me because he wanted to, he didn’t keep me merely out of pity. I became capable of love because I finally recognized that he loved me.”
Larry offered another challenge. “What about when he hurt you the other night?”
Walt squeezed my hand until it hurt. I didn’t object because it was a good hurt. He apologized again. “I’m so sorry for what I did.”
I drew his hand to me and kissed the back of it. “It’s over now, Love. It was a difficult battle, but neither of us were completely right or wrong.” I tried to explain to our guests. “Love doesn’t mean you’ll never fight. Walt and I have had some spectacular fights. We’ve never come to blows, but we were close more than once.
“We’re both strong-willed men with very definite opinions. We do not take opposition well. We’re not at odds very often, but when we are, our disagreements are serious. Once we calm down, we talk it out like civil people. Usually, we both apologize because we’re usually both wrong, then we move on. Fights are not bad as long as they end cleanly. You can’t let resentment fester. If something is wrong between you, have it out, settle it, and be done. That’s what works for us, anyway.”
Larry and Stephan accepted my words. They whispered between them and came up with a question that Stephan asked. “What about…what about our parties?”
Walt fielded that one. “Law told me about your orgies. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that a piece of me is jealous.” Larry grinned like he won a prize and Stephan tittered. Walt quickly quashed their celebration. “You seem to love each other very much. My suggestion is, swear off the parties for a while and see what it’s like to just be Larry and Stephan. Work on your relationship with no distractions. After a while, if you want to be adventurous, talk about it and decide very carefully how far you’re willing to go. Don’t give yourselves over to hedonism. It’s empty and it leads nowhere.”
Stephan challenged us again. He seemed to be the one fighting the hardest to hold onto the couple’s current lifestyle. “How do you know? You say hedonism leads nowhere and there’s no such thing as free love. Maybe you never experienced it.”
I expressed my doubts. “I wallowed in flesh for years. I kept the vice squad out of a queer whorehouse from 1923 to 1932. I took most of my graft out in rough trade. I got off, but I gained nothing of value.”
Walt chimed in. “I grew up near a college. I didn’t ‘wallow’ like Law did, but there were plenty of men available and I had my share. It started when I was sixteen and didn’t stop until Law and I became a couple. I agree with Law. The only thing I got out of those encounters was physical pleasure. I don’t dismiss that, but I don’t put great value on it either. Love is what matters.”
Stephan shook his head at the floor. “I don’t know if I agree.”
I spouted a blunt response. “I don’t care.” Stephan jerked his head up to stare. I realized what I said and offered a correction. “That came out poorly. I do care. I mean that I’m not here to convince you to do anything you might not want to do. You came to ask us about our relationship because you think you might like to try something similar. I think you should, but that’s only my opinion.
“I love Walt fiercely. I do it with everything that I am. I don’t have room in my heart to love other men the way I love him. I also don’t want the temptation or the distraction of anyone else. He and I know a lot of queer men. We could have had a more varied sex life, but we never wanted that. In all the years we’ve been together, the only other person we invited into our bed was your dad,” I nodded at Larry, “and then only for one night. Ahem…and again in the morning. The point is, that’s what works for Walt and me.
“I love you both. I want to see you happy. I think it would be good for you to try to be a couple without the distraction of promiscuity. If you do that for a while and decide you still need some variety, make that decision as a couple and do it carefully. If you invite others in, make sure their presence doesn’t harm your relationship. As for your parties, you must know that they’re dangerous. If you consider the danger and you want to continue to have them, that’s your choice. I don’t get a say in your life. Only you can choose how to live it.
“I may have moralized a bit too much the morning after our escapade, but I was upset with myself more than with you. I don’t judge you for your choices or your lifestyle or anything. I just want you to understand that everything you do will have consequences, some good and some bad. You have to weigh them when you choose how to live. That’s all.”
Walt echoed my sentiments. “Please understand that everything I said is just what my life taught me. Mine is not the only way to live. I’m not a perfect person and I’ve no right to judge you either. I love you both. I’ve known you a long time and I worry like you were my own boys. If that means I come off like a sermonizing old maid, I’m sorry.”
Larry wrapped his arm around Stephan and pulled them together. Stephan rocked back and forth to get his legs from under his body so he could lean close to Larry. “I see where you’re coming from. I also know your advice comes from a place of love. Steph and me will have to talk about it. You’ve given us a lot to think about. I’m glad we came.”
I agreed. “I’m glad you did as well. You’re welcome anytime. If you want to know more, or if you want to talk about anything at all, just telephone. We’re staying in town at least through Christmas. Always happy to see you, even for a social visit. We can swear off deep topics and recite filthy limericks for a couple hours.”
We hugged and kissed and they took their leave. I locked the door behind them and came back up the steps to find Walt fanning himself like he was overheated. I asked what was wrong. “I’m jealous of you, Love. You got to watch something that’s making me warm just to imagine.”
I laughed. “You! I worried you were coming down with something, fanning yourself like that. Turns out its just lust.”
He laughed and gathered the coffee cups to wash. “They’re very attractive and I’m sure their lovemaking was quite a sight, but I would never wish to see it. We both had the pleasure of engaging with David. I’d feel incredibly awkward to watch his son, no matter how good he looks, and I could never dream of participating. I still can’t believe how adamant they were about seducing you.”
I shrugged because I didn’t have anything to add. “Do you think we reached them?”
He put the cups in the sink and started to wash. “They received the message. Time will tell if they’ll heed it or not. I understand the draw of sex. It feels good and it’s fun. If you’re longing for love and can’t find any, sex makes a good substitute, but only for a while. Eventually the physical grows tiresome while your emotions scream for fulfillment. Larry and Stephan are good together. Hopefully they’ll realize how much they need each other and how little they need anyone else.”
I took up the towel to dry while he finished washing. “I hope so.”
“We’ve done our best. It’s up to them now.” He handed me another cup. “By the way, look at what you did for those boys.” He shook his head and corrected himself. “Would you listen to me call them boys? Look at what you did for those thirty-year-old men.”
“Stephen says he’s twenty-nine.”
Walt rolled his eyes. “Sure, him and me both.”
I dried and stacked the cup and waited for another. “What did I do?”
“Are you kidding?” He demanded like I’d insulted him.
“No, what did I do?”
He rinsed and handed me another cup. “When they put on their show for you, you didn’t just get mad and storm out. You explained why you were upset and made sure they understood. When you learned about their dangerous lifestyle, you cautioned them against it and invited them to talk to us because we’ve been together a long time and have experience we can use to give advice. When Larry was here to fix the window, he said he was ready to talk, and you got him to commit to a date right away.
“You’re so worried about them that you forgave their betrayal of your friendship and have been doing your best to persuade them to change their ways. You love them and you care about them. Even though you were in the middle of a fight with me, you went out of your way to help them. You’re a good man, no matter what you tell yourself. You always have been.”
I dried and stacked another cup. “Maybe.”
He parroted me in exasperation. “Maybe?” He washed the last cup and rinsed his hands. He took the towel to dry his hands and the last cup so he could put them away. He set them in their place in the cabinet. “I can’t make you believe you’re a good man. All I can do is tell you how I see you. Ask yourself this; in all the people you hurt or killed in your life, can you name one that was an innocent who you hurt for no reason. I’m not saying you never did anything wrong. I simply suggest that with all the anger and violence you endured, most of what you did was justified by circumstances, and anything that wasn’t, pales in comparison to the good you’ve done. Larry called you his hero. He hated me for hurting you. Doesn’t that mean anything to you at all?”
I answered him indirectly. “Let’s say you’re right. Let’s say I am a good man and always have been. Why am I haunted by the things that I’ve done?”
“Because you haven’t forgiven yourself for the life you led. The fact that you’re troubled is evidence of your goodness. If you were an irredeemable villain, you wouldn’t care.”
I expressed some frustration over the situation. “I fucking wish I could find Doc. If I could apologize to him, maybe the nightmares would stop.”
The door buzzer sounded from downstairs and an urgent fist beat on the door. Walt moved toward the sound, but I stopped him. “No, I’ll get it.”
He tried to argue. “I’m fine. I can handle the stairs.”
“That’s not what I’m worried about. The knock sounds angry. I’ll get it, but I’m going to have my gun when I do.”
The fist pounded on the door again. I hurried to the bedroom to get my .38 from the nightstand. I tiptoed downstairs while Walt loitered at the top. I held the gun at my side and yanked the door open to surprise the knocker. Malcom blinked up at me from the cold, dark sidewalk.
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