The Only Beauty

Years later, so much later that it was hard to remember that twenty year old boy, Noah sat across from a good looking young man in his mid twenties with a trim beard and shoulder length brown hair.

“No one hates you, Dad,” Chay said.

“I used to care about that,” Noah said. “I used to think you would hate me for what I had done, for running off with Paul. It’s not that I don’t love him, I do, and maybe you don’t want to hear that—”

“No,” Chay said, “I totally understand loving two guys at the same time. Being confused.”

Noah nodded, and didn’t say anything when his son took out a cigarette. They were so close in age. They were almost like brothers. There was the slight scent of the cigarette, and Noah said, “It’s your dad. I want to go back to him.”

“Then do it.”

“I wanted to go back right away.”

“Then what’s stopping you? You’re afraid.”

Noah nodded.

“I’m afraid.”

Chay took a sip from his coffee, a drag from his cigarette. He exhaled.

“You want me to see what I can do?”

“What in the world can you do?” Noah said to his son.

“Talk to him. Would you hate it if I sent him to you?”

“Yes,” Noah said, at last. “My whole life—our whole life—that man has come to me. He’s made room for me. He put up with me. I just need his address, Chay. I’m going to go to him.”

“You know what I think, Dad?”

When Noah only looked at him, Chay said, “I’m going to send someone with you. I think you’re so nervous about seeing Dad you’re going to throw up.”

“Yes, I am,” Noah said. “But I spent my twenties trying to feel hard as steel. Now I need to be hard as steel to do the most important thing I’ve done. I need to be hard as steel to get your dad back.”

“You look like you’re not happy to see me, and I can’t blame you.”

“I’m surprised to see you,” James said. “I thought I’d never see you again.”

“Thought. Or hoped?”

“I’m not sure,” James admitted. Then he said, “Come in.”

He opened the door for his husband, and when he shut it, James said, “I wasn’t sure until now.”

“And now?” Noah said.

“You came for me.”

“Of course I came for you,” Noah said. “I would have come for you sooner. I would have come right away. But you deserved your space.”

“Maybe I did,” James said. “Maybe I wanted that space. But I think I really needed to know if you would come for me.”

Then he said, “Would you like something to drink?”

Noah shook his head.

“I do,” James said. Heading into the kitchen of the little apartment he said, “Years ago you said you were a ghost. When I found you. When you were out in California. I said when you were looking at me it looked like you were seeing a ghost. We argued a lot about who the ghost was.”

When James came back he said, “I was always in danger of becoming a ghost. I always waited for you, to let you be who you needed to be. And it whittled me away a bit. So when you went to Paul, I blew away. I became the ghost.

“I felt like a ghost. Chay is grown. You were with Paul. I’ve been doing a lot of things to kill the old life.”

Then he said, “Teach us to care and not to care.”

“T.S. Eliot?”

“The Noah I grew up with would never have known that.”

“The Noah you married didn’t know it six weeks ago. I’ve been sitting in the library, reading all of your books, going through all of your stuff. How could I forget I loved you? How could I forget you loved me? How couldn’t I know you?” Noah said. “Of course I’d know you.”

“Because I’ve changed.”

“You aren’t that changed.”

“I’m more changed than you know,” James said. Then he said, “The truth is I didn’t know what to do with you. That part of you that had been with Paul—”

“Please don’t bring up Paul.”

“I have to. That part I didn’t understand. If you could go to him it was because I didn’t fight for us. I’m at fault too.”

“You’re not.”

“Of course I am,” James said. “If I hadn’t sat around like some impassive Buddha, if I had not said, go to him, would you have gone to him?”

When Noah did not answer, James said, “That’s answer enough, really. Isn’t it?”

“I found you,” Noah said. “I found you, and here you are. How couldn’t I know about you? How could I… How could we?”

“Lose ourselves.”

Noah said, “Maybe I will take that drink.”

“Ice is in the freezer,” James said, and Noah went to the kitchen while James sat on the couch.

“You are my true love,” James said simply as Noah put ice in a glass.

“Jamie you’re mine too. I just forget that.”

“I think there is more than one love. I think love is not stingy. I think Paul is your true love too. I think that’s why you struggled. I know Paul. I know it wasn’t just a fling.”

Noah turned to James.

“It was the most painful thing I ever did. I didn’t do it lightly. I made the wrong choice.”

“Maybe,” James said. “I can’t be sure. We’ve both loved other people.”

Noah looked at him surprised.

James laughed.

“I’m not surprised you’ve loved someone else. I’m just surprised you told me. You’ve been closed to me.”

“And you to me,” James said. “I think we always protected each other that way.”

“I think we were protecting outselves,” Noah said.

“Should we go out for tacos? Like we did back then?”

“Yes,” Noah said, then poured the rest of his water in the sink.

They sat on the dunes overlooking Lake Michigan and eating tacos and James said, “How did you find me? I told Chay not to let you know.”

“Casey.”

“Of course.”

“He loves you, Jamie.”

“I know,” James said.

“That’s a strange way to say it.”

James shrugged.

“He’s always loved you,” Noah said. “I think he loves you as much as he loves our son.”

“Well,” James said, “we have a long history.”

Not for the first time, Noah wondered about the details of that history, then decided it was none of his business.

They didn’t speak for a while, and James watched the gold and blue waves rolling very slowly onto the sand while the rising sun looked on them,.

“And now that you’ve found me,” James said, “how do you feel about what you found?”

“You’re my James,” Noah said. “Are you coming home with me?”

“Not today,” James said. “I will come. I promise. But not today.”

“Very well,” Noah nodded.

“See,” said James, “I’ve been your James for a long time. Now I need to find a way to be my own James again. You see? I can come back to you anytime the wrong way, but I need to come back to you the right way. Do you see?”

“You’ve always told me,” Noah said, “that you understood, no matter what my foolishness, you understood. Let’s agree to understand each other. Okay?”

“Understand each other, and then understand ourselves. Separate for a bit. Not divorce, but just… learn who we are.”

“Do you want me to go away, then?”

“Absolutely not,” James said. “I just… You think I’m not happy to see you. You have no idea how happy I really am.

“Do you mind if we stay here and just be quiet?” James asked him. “Can we just sit and watch the sunset? I feel like I haven’t done that in a really long time.”

“You never watch the sunset over the lake? And you’ve been at the beach house for a month?”

“The sunset wasn’t why I came,” James said.

“Remember when you first loved me?” Noah began, “You loved me—”

“I still love you, you horrible short little man,” James told him.

“You said you weren’t strong, and you didn’t feel beautiful, that this was why you went to California all those years ago. But, Noah, sometimes I need to feel beautiful and powerful too.”

“Have you felt that way with me?”

“Not in a long time.”

“Of course not,” Noah said. “How could you? I take up all the fucking air in a room. I do get it,” Noah said. “If nobody else gets it, I get it.”

Noah kissed James’ cheek, and then he kissed his throat.

“Noah…” James murmured.

As they sat on the hillock over the beach, Noah’s hand went to his thigh and James murmured, “We shouldn’t.”

“Why?”

“Noah,” James pled as Noah’s hands crept upward, “you know how things are. You know…”

Noah kissed his throat.

“Don’t turn me away, James,” he murmured as the waves broke onto the shore. “I know I don’t deserve it, but don’t turn me away.”

James kissed Noah on his head. There were grey hairs now in those curls, only a few, scarcely visible.

“I won’t take anything from you. I’ll leave you here,” Noah told him, “but I can’t drive back home knowing we didn’t have this while I was here.”

Noah placed his cheek on James’ shoulder and James wrapped his arms around him.

Driving home, Noah remembered going back to the house with James, remembered them clinging together and then undressing in the morning light, not shutting the curtains, wanting the sun to be a witness. He remembers making love to James Lewis.

“That’s it! That’s it. That’s—” James groaned.

His hands ran up and down Noah’s back, holding his shoulders, ran down again to caress his thighs as the other man pushed into him. How good he felt! Noah was complete when James was inside of him, when he held him so firmly in his tightness, his pleasure, causing James pleasure.

Noah had been silent a while, but now moans escaped his lips. He moved rapidly, and then stopped himself. But he drew James drew in and said, “It’s alright. It’s okay. Do it like you need to. Let yourself go.”

James Lewis fucked him hard, like that first time, back in Noah’s bedroom when they were boys, and James had been so gentle until, Noah’s hands on his strong neck, he whispered, “I don’t want you to be gentle.”. Noah cried out. He groaned over and over again, hit like he wanted to be hit, accompanying the gentle moaning of James who moved inside and above him, sweat soaking his body. Had it been like this when he’d been with Casey. Noah never said it, but he knew James had done this to him, that this was the secret the two of them kept. In staggered rhythm to Noah’s shouts, James groaned, “Oh—my—G—”

While James reached his orgasm, Noah pulled on his own cock faster and faster. They came together, shouting with surprise, staggering, straining the springs of the bed until with a great sigh, James pulled out of Noah and lay on his back, trembling, still coming.

“Goddamn,” James whispered. His legs were still in the air; his knees were still drawn to his chest. He let them down slowly. Noah, mouth parted, looked to the ceiling. His penis, wet, still rose up erect. It was beautiful. After the gentle landscape of Noah’s torso, his flat belly, the cloud of almost black hair, his cock rose up red tipped. James touched the shaft, running the back of his hand up and down. Noah turned his head and saw white semen all up James’ chest and stomach.

Coming into Rossford, he brushes a tear from his cheek and tells himself he is a fool because he knows his husband will come back. He remembers lying face to face with James, telling him, as he runs a hand over his brown body, “You are sexy… and powerful… and above all… beautiful. The only beauty.”