The Development of Joshua

Joshua sat on the floor in front of his parents watching some television program selected by his parents. He didn’t fully understand the show, the magical elements, the dark ominous clouds that seemed to swirl into being in every episode. But he watched it as intently as they did. The main stars of the show, two males appeared really mature to him but compared to his father, Joshua knew they were younger, somewhere between the age of his dad and his own age. The dark haired one captured his attention first. Then later he switched to the strawberry blonde.

Joshua saw all around him men with women, boys dating girls, even his older brother, now fifteen, talking for long periods of time to some girl from his school. He saw the same on television, how men were with women, in marriages or romances. He knew this was the normal thing, what was expected. And it made his fascination with the men on the television be something he had to keep secret, something that wasn’t normal. He didn’t understand it, had no clue why this was the case, nor did he understand why it was the men, not the women that drew his attention.

He stared at the actor, the short hair that reflected red in the light, the way his clothes fit, unlike his own, shirt and shorts baggy with his skinny body underneath. No, the actor filled his clothes out. The upper legs, the seat of the jeans and the upper portion of the t-shirts he sometimes wore, stretched across shoulders, and upper arms that stretched the sleeves. Joshua sometimes rolled up the sleeves of his t-shirts thinking it made his arms look bigger, but when he really looked in the mirror he knew it not to be true. He wanted to see the actor without his shirt or in shorts revealing legs. He tried to imagine it, to make his mind create the image he so desperately wanted, even though he had no idea why.

It would be years before he realized it, before he understood what had been happening. It was his first crush on another guy.

*      *     *

Cutting through the back of Mr. Haines’ pasture, Mike, Andy and Joshua were riding to the creek, poles balanced on their handle bars and wearing backpacks filled with fishing tackle, sodas, candy bars and a Styrofoam cup of wigglers. It was the first Monday since school let out for summer and they had less supervision therefore the freedom to do as they pretty much pleased. Both of Mike and Andy’s parents worked in town and Joshua’s dad worked at the lumbar yard. Only Joshua’s mother was home during the week, but today she was visiting her sister over in Oak Hill.

They had just finished seventh grade and it had been a difficult one, with the changing of classrooms for each subject and the subjects themselves getting more difficult. Next year would be even tougher so none of the three of them mentioned it, preferring to pretend the fall would not happen, that summer would last forever.

They coasted down the to the creek at the back of Mr. Haines’ property, the grade gently rolling down to its banks. It wasn’t a large creek, only about twelve to fourteen feet wide in most places, and much of it was swallow, the bottom visible when it ran clear as it did now since there had been no rainfall for over a week.

They scattered along the banks, selecting places along the creek where the bottom dropped off enough to conceal it. Andy took the hard turn with the fallen tree on the bank, Mike went down stream about twenty-five feet to a place the creek cut into the side till it was a vertical bank, six feet high. He sat on the opposite bank and cast his line into the deep water right along the cut. Joshua went further downstream to a place a spring flowed into the creek casting into the dark waters just below the fine sand washed into creek by the spring. He sat on a rock outcropping casting his line.

They knew not to talk while fishing, nor move around a lot. They sat still, so quiet the only sound was bird song and the wind rustling the leaves of the trees.

Joshua watched his friends as they cast their baited hooks, Mike with his shirt tossed on the bank exposing the skinny upper torso and Andy with his tank top that revealed freckled shoulders. He watched them feeling some attraction he knew not to give voice to. They talked about the girls in their class, or those in television shows or movies, how each one was pretty or what it might be like to have sex with them, as if either of them really knew. Joshua was sure neither really had any idea. But he also considered sex differently, wondered about doing things with other boys that he had only heard stated in derisive ways. ‘Suck dick, faggot’ or ‘you like in the butt?’ being two phrases Sean from their class liked to say to the point he scared Joshua.

All summer the three of them hung out together, riding bikes, fishing or just playing in the creek, playing video games or climbing around the barn at Andy’s grandparents. Fall approached, and they began to think of school, the beginning of eighth grade and what it would be like. By the time school started they had built up a false impression that included fear and bravado all twisted together, and for Joshua it spelled the slow distancing from Andy and Mike. By the end of eighth grade their friendship would be reduced to casual nods of acknowledgement in the corridors.

*   *   *

When Joshua turned fourteen he grew to be a loner, social with classmates at school or sporting events or at church with his parents, but no longer hanging out with anyone at someone’s home. His parents chalked it up to just being a teenager. Being difficult just because he could and didn’t question him about not wanting a birthday party or never inviting Mike or Andy over anymore.

For Joshua, it wasn’t that he felt alone as much as he felt the option for something different just wasn’t available to him. He maintained a friendly easy-going manner around the others and never felt depressed or sad about his predicament. And he did what the other boys did for release, and often, knowing his fantasies were different from their fantasies but the effect was the same.

Fifteen arrived and he began to grow anxious, to feel his loneliness, an isolation he couldn’t describe. But he also began to hang out with two of the girls from school. It had the sense of some truce, where he wouldn’t try to play grab ass or be crude like the other boys and they in turn wouldn’t question why he didn’t do those things. Sam and Cathy were pretty, intelligent with ambitions that didn’t involve becoming pregnant, married and tied down by the time they were twenty, in that order.

He would sit with Sam and Cathy, listening to them comment on one guy or another, some in ways lustful and crass, making them laugh, and others they derided for one reason or another. Joshua listened to them watching where their eyes focused making his own evaluation, often in complete disagreement.

Hanging out with Sam and Cathy caused Joshua to have wondering eyes more than ever before. He looked at the Juniors and Seniors in the corridors, the more muscular bodies, more mature with some shaving regularly and sporting sideburns or goatees or full beards. He tried to decide what his type was going by looks. The black hair, dark skin and muscular stocky body of Travis, the brown hair and fair skin with a tall lanky body of Marcus, the blonde, blue eyed Taylor with freckles across his cheeks and nose and teeth that were not quite perfect or Juan with his dark hair, smooth dark skin, dark eyes and the dialect of his native Spanish reflected in his English.

And there was Jin Soo, who parents immigrated from South Korea when he was only two. He seemed different from the other boys, more feminine in mannerism and always dressing stylishly, at times in an androgynous way that made the other boys pick on him, harassing him in the corridors with the usual vulgar taunts. Joshua watched him the most, for he wondered if Jin Soo was gay or just a guy who wasn’t overtly masculine. Their school was so small and any guy there that he felt any similarity to was one to pay attention, even though he was afraid to approach Jin Soo, afraid of being labeled the same, no matter how true the label might be.

The sidewalk from P.E. to the main building had everyone passing the student parking lot and Joshua had P.E. right before lunch. At times while coming from class he would sometimes see Seniors or Juniors in the parking lot hanging out. The cars, trucks and SUVs represented a freedom he had not yet acquired, and that freedom provided a sense of being more a man than a boy, mature enough to drive, the appearance of being able to come and go as they pleased. Joshua thought of it as providing opportunities. Opportunities to go into town, meet guys outside his school and maybe meet someone like himself. He knew it was pure fantasy but late at night lying in bed he considered it a good way to work through all the things he kept thinking about.  Even living through the fantasies in a way to test the idea of meeting a guy, dating him and maybe rooming together at college then living together after. He let the scenarios play out, so many variables he lost track of them. But they carried him to his Junior year and by his birthday in early September the illusion of freedom with his first car, an eight-year old Honda Civic.

Most weekends found Sam and Cathy piled into his car riding around Oak Hill, cruising from the drive-in to the fast food joint out by the shopping center back into town to the small park where they would sometimes park just to watch the other cruising teens come by.  But on the occasions he was alone, he would park behind the drive-in and watch guys drive by. He saw them scanning the parking lot, eyes peeled for some friend or a girl they might be able to flirt with in the hopes of hooking up. All the while unaware of Joshua eyeing them in the same manner.

There was a guy who had an old Ford truck, with four-wheel drive, jacked up with large tires. He looked pure redneck, with a gun rack, rebel flag tag on front wearing shirts with the sleeves ripped off revealing muscular biceps, the left one sporting a tattoo. Always with a ballcap on, his hair curled from around the edge of it. For weeks Joshua watched him cruise around Oak Hill, one time going so far as to follow him for one loop around town. Joshua knew he was being silly, that there was no way this guy could be gay, or even bi-sexual but he saw no harm in letting his imagination create fantasies that defied reality.

Senior year was the worst, the way it dragged out, week after week, with him so close to freedom. But it was also a year of reckoning. By graduation he would be far wiser, far more in harmony with himself. He began to ditch the hoodies and plaid shirts, wearing solid colors of steel gray, white or solid black. He wore jeans that were tight, dark blue, faded and bleached out blue or solid black. And he wore boots, not the hunting or work boots the other boys wore, but boots fashioned as urban wear with thick soles and styles reflecting their military or punk backgrounds.

One Saturday Cathy, Sam and he went all the way to Montgomery to shop, eat out and see a movie, on a dare from Sam he had both ears pierced. He knew his father would blow a gasket but there was something liberating in doing it, rebellious in a manner that made him feel himself.

Classmates didn’t comment on the first of his changes but when he showed up in white t-shirt, black jeans, black boots with black hoops in both ears there were stares, whispering among certain cliques and the occasional comment. “Damn dude” Paul uttered when they passed in the corridor. Joshua had feared there would be taunts, nasty comments tossed his way as he walked down the hall, but the reaction was more like his classmates suddenly realized they didn’t know him, not at all. There seemed to be some cautious refrain from approaching him and for Joshua it was perfect.

At a Halloween party thrown by Cathy’s older brother, Carl, which they crashed, he found himself in her bedroom. He was on the floor next to Sam with Cathy and Beth, Carl’s girlfriend on the bed. They were passing a bottle of bourbon around the circle, each taking a swig. How long they were in the room Joshua didn’t know but when the conversation died down the three girls stared at him making him suddenly self-conscious.

“What is it?” Joshua asked.

“We want to ask you something, but you have to promise not to freak out…okay?” Sam replied.

“Okay?” he replied, his tone indicated he wasn’t so sure.

He knew before they asked, suddenly aware of everything, his change in appearance, how he never mentioned girls, never said one was attractive or not, and how he avoided eye contact with certain guys, especially the ones Sam and Cathy had labeled as doable but a bit rough around the edges.

Sam leaned closer, taking his hand into hers, “Are you gay?”

*   *   *

Things changed after that night, the way Sam and Cathy treated him, suddenly closer than before, becoming part of their inner gossip about boys. In town he would run into Carl and Beth and there was a knowing smile, a nod of acknowledgement and casual conversations of greetings filled with innuendo. It made Joshua shake his head and laugh at the silliness of it, but it also made him feel himself in way he had not been able to do before. Even in school there seemed to be a sense by the others he was truly different in some way, yet still a part of their group; one of their classmates…with a secret.

Of the other guys in his class, there were a few who approached him, made friendly comments or compliments on his boots or some article of clothing. Mitch, the younger brother of Marcus who had the same tall lanky build but with blonde hair in stead of brown had been a friend till ninth grade when they drifted apart. Now Mitch spoke to him often and walking with him to classes they shared. Joshua knew their original parting was as much his fault as it was Mitch’s. It was in P.E., playing tag football after exercises that Andres began to talk with him again.  Shorter than his five eleven by a few inches, with a lean dark toned body and an uncut cock that had always made Andres exotic, different, and Joshua grew to understand why it fascinated him. The attraction toward guys and the way no two were alike, and in Andres case, the difference was more pronounced. English a second language, his look so different from the typical guy in class, and Andres had been the first guy to get an earring, only one for the left ear with something that usually hung down. And there was Oliver, with his jet-black hair and fair white skin. Naturally shy, who spoke few words in group settings, Oliver was the guy that was always on the periphery observing the others. And during breaks could always be found with a book.

Joshua considered each of them wondering if one or all of them were gay, something he knew to be highly doubtful. But each one made him think about what it meant to be gay, or straight, how mannerism or appearance might not bear out first impressions. So many nights hanging out with Sam and Cathy they talked about this new friendliness of Mitch, Andres and Oliver, making more and more absurd speculations. It gave them something to laugh about, to make those evenings when he had once felt a loneliness suddenly now they were a joyful moment.

In Chemistry he got paired with Oliver for their experiments. He watched how confident Oliver was with every task, each measure, every observation, it made him want to perform at Oliver’s level. They scored in the top every time and grew closer as they did so. Oliver began to talk of the books he read, the games he liked to play at home then after weeks of working together, finally at the end of class, everyone grabbing up their backpacks cramming books and notebooks into them, he stammered and circled around the topic of gaming till he finally asked Joshua if he wanted to come over some time and play.

Joshua had gone years without a male friend, a companion that he could hang out with, even if it was nothing but a platonic thing. He stood frozen for moment, surprised that Oliver had asked till he realized Oliver thought he was going to say no.

“Yeah…yes, I’d love to.”

Oliver smiled, nodding his head.

“When would be a good time to come over?” Joshua asked seeing he needed to make an effort with Oliver, to take the next step.

“Tomorrow night?” replied Oliver, a Friday night, one they could stay up late playing games.

“Sounds great.”

*   *   *

The next few weeks through winter had been the best in a long time. Some nights Joshua spent with Sam and Cathy and some he spent over at Oliver’s playing games till late at night. With Mitch and Andres including him at school others soon hung around too. Spring arrived suddenly, the cool winter days gone, replaced immediately by hot humid days. And with it came planning for prom and after that, graduation from school.

Joshua knew the approach of prom night would be weird, as it was in his Junior year. He didn’t feel as ostracized as he had last year but this year would be weird for prom was on the day of his eighteenth birthday. His parents arranged for him to celebrate the night before, having classmates over for the first time in years. Then on Saturday everything was about getting ready for the prom. Sam had asked Joshua to take her for she wasn’t in the mood to deal with any of the other guys and they arranged for overly shy Oliver to go with Cathy. It gave them a carefree attitude toward it, one that would allow them to have fun without expectations for making it some silly night that so many wanted to be special.

The prom was in Oak Hill at the Sanger Social Club, one started for women in the 1920’s. It had a large banquet room with hardwood floors, plaster walls and a ceiling that soared overhead. French doors led to the small garden area behind the building where a defunct fountain sat among azaleas. The cover band played till midnight, and the faculty and parents assigned as escorts milled around the room keeping an eye on everything. Sam and Joshua had planned for hanging out after the prom, going to her family’s farm so a little after eleven the four of them eased out of the room and headed over.

Sitting around the small fire they passed a bottle of bourbon Cathy had sneaked out of her parent’s house. Oliver looked worried at first when the bottle was initially passed to him but after a few rounds even he loosened up, laughing at silly jokes or comments and joining in discussing what others had worn to the prom. That sat around the fire till late into the night, the half moon high in the nighttime sky.

“Okay, I’ve had enough fun for one night” said Cathy as she stood up.

“I’m right behind you” said Sam as she stood to follow.

They had set up to crash in the barn, sleeping bags arranged in the loft. Joshua leaned back in the camp chair and glanced over at Oliver wondering if he was going to follow the girls up to the loft. Oliver leaned forward and stirred the fire slowly with a stick.

“How many colleges have you applied to?” Oliver asked, breaking the silence between them.

“Six…no seven. And you?”

“Three.”

“Just three? What if they turn you down…I mean aren’t you afraid…”

“I’ve been accepted at two of them for a year now.”

“What? Fuck man, your grades must be better than even I know.”

Oliver smiled, looking down embarrassed. “They’re not bad.”

“Not bad” Joshua stated derisively. Looking up at the stars in the sky, he added, “you really going to study English and writing?”

“Yes.”

There was a long silence between them, neither making a move to turn in nor finding anything to say. The only sound was an owl calling for a mate over in the nearby woods and the hum of the condenser for the air conditioning back at the house. Joshua felt something was different tonight with Oliver. The way he sat, leaned over glancing over his way and not saying anything.

Joshua stood up and twisted his torso back and forth, arms outstretched. He kicked a hot ember back to the edge of the fire and looked around at Oliver.

“You want to go for a walk before turning in?”

They had walked along the lane between two fields, everything a slivery glow in the moonlight. Joshua knew the lane led to a fish pond with a pier leading out over its surface. They had made their way to the pond in silence, both enjoying the calm of the early morning hours. The water reflected the moonlight and the dark waters concealed the pond’s depth. Joshua led Oliver around the pond to the pier and out over the water. Sitting on its edge, shoes off, they let their toes rake over the surface of the pond.

“Joshua?”

“Yeah.”

“Have you ever…had sex?”

Leaning back on his hands, Joshua looked over at Oliver seeing him from behind as he leaned over looking down into the dark waters. He hesitated, why he didn’t know, but after a deep breath he answered.

“No.  And you?”

Oliver shook his head.

After a long time, Joshua feeling the tension in the air between them, wondering what Oliver was going to ask next. Oliver sat up slowly and looked back over his shoulder. Joshua could only see his silhouette for his face was in dark shadow, but he knew Oliver’s eyes were staring at him. Oliver turned and faced Joshua, then leaned toward him quickly, kissing him on the mouth and pulling away as if shocked by the act.

Joshua grabbed Oliver by the arm holding him place, body twisted around facing him. Sitting up he moved closer till there faces were only inches apart, shadowed in darkness.

“It’s okay” Joshua whispered, hearing the surprising calm in his own voice. He felt Oliver relax, no longer trying to pull away. “What do you…expect?”

“I don’t know, really, I just don’t…” Oliver replied, stammering, voice trailing off till they sat in silence. Joshua heard the deep breath before Oliver continued. “I just don’t want to go to college a virgin. Naïve about everything, you know?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m not looking for some commitment, for you to become my boyfriend, but I just thought….”

“Ssshhhhh” Joshua replied as he put a finger over Oliver’s lips. “It’s okay, I understand.”  Joshua leaned forward bringing their lips together. They held the kiss, shifting toward each other, hands coming up to touch arms, chests then wrap around shoulders. Joshua pressed tighter, mouth opening, and Oliver responded as they kissed more passionately.

They fumbled with each other’s clothes till stripped down to their underwear. Joshua in boxer briefs and Oliver in boxers, both tenting the front with their arousal. Joshua moved up in the center of the pier, laid back pulling Oliver on top. He moved his hands down the lean torso, over the curve of each cheek then back up. He felt Oliver push down against his cock feeling the hard shaft of Oliver’s cock next to it. Running his hands downward again he let his fingers slip underneath the waistband of Oliver’s boxers. He pushed them down, Oliver assisting him by raising up at the waist. Slipping one hand between them he grasped the hard shaft. It filled his hand. With his other he rubbed over Oliver’s ass, probed down between each cheek till his fingers found their target, raking over the tight opening. Oliver moaned into his mouth and worked his hips, thrusting through his grasp. He felt the wet slickness of the head slip through his fingers as he pushed one finger into Oliver. The opening was tight around his finger as he bore into Oliver’s depths.

Oliver moved from their kissing to kissing his neck, then down his chest to the right nipple. He felt Oliver’s tongue rake over it then teeth nip at the hard nub. He moaned as he pushed up toward the pain and pleasure of it. His cock throbbed in his boxer briefs.

Oliver moved downward, lips dragging over his chest then his heaving stomach as fingers tugged on his boxer briefs, pulling them downward till his cock sprang free of its confines. Eyes closed he focused on Oliver’s touch, the soft wet lips that grazed his skin, the hot breath blowing against it. Fingers took him, raised him up as Oliver’s tongue raked over the head. He shuddered beneath Oliver’s ministrations and stifled a moan. Lips touched him, then slid down the length of his shaft. He fought the urge to push upward, instead letting Oliver take him at his own pace.

Oliver moved on his cock, up and down, over and over and over, till he was so close he thought he would come. He pushed upward to meet Oliver’s descent trying to increase the stimulation. When Oliver released him, moved up in a sitting position he nearly cried out ‘no’.

“Don’t move, okay?” Oliver asked as Joshua looked up at the dark silhouette.

“Okay.”

Oliver moved over his waist, rose up on knees and he felt him take his cock, holding it up. He knew what Oliver was going to do and felt his heart racing at the prospect of feeling his cock sink into another’s body. Oliver eased down till his cock felt the tight resistance, but Oliver kept up the pressure till he breached the tight opening. Oliver moved down gently, slowly, and he felt every inch squeeze through the tightness. It milked his cock into a hardness he had never felt before. Through the ring he felt the hotness of Oliver’s body engulf his cock.

Within a few minutes Oliver was riding him, roughly, ass smacking down on his hips. He couldn’t believe how it felt, his cock punching deeply within Oliver’s body, then nearly pulling free as Oliver moved over him. He felt his body tighten, every muscle straining with a sense of exertion. His cock grew even more sensitive. He couldn’t take it, the manipulation of his cock, the way Oliver’s body milked it, stroked the shaft till his toes curled, his hands gripping each of Oliver’s thighs and his body grew rigid. He shoved upward to meet Oliver’s descent and came. His cock spasm in Oliver’s depths, over and over till he was spent, and his cock was too sensitive for further stimulation.

Sitting up Joshua wrapped his arms around Oliver and rolled him over on his back. He moved down between Oliver’s legs pushing them apart. He took Oliver in hand, felt the hard shaft and wet head. He licked at it taking the drool pooling in the slit then sank his mouth over it. Oliver cried out and pushed upward choking him. He held Oliver’s hands down as he moved up and down, letting the wet head move over his tongue and push to the back of his throat. It took only seconds, a few plunges down and Oliver’s cock grew thicker, flexed in his mouth then filled it with cum.

The girls were asleep, and the loft was softly lit by one lantern turned down low. They eased into their sleeping bags facing each other smiling mischievously. Joshua reached out and turned the lantern off. As he settled down into his sleeping bag, the loft completely dark he heard Oliver’s voice, barely loud enough to hear.

“Joshua…thanks.”

*   *   *

The remaining weeks of school went by quickly. Now instead of just Joshua, Cathy and Sam, there was now four of them, which now included Oliver. It took over a week, but Oliver finally admitted to the girls about that night at the pond. Joshua and Oliver hooked up often during these weeks, exploring their sexuality. They didn’t go on dates, never pretended to be boyfriends. It was purely the two of them helping each other out, working through the physical aspects of their sexuality. They knew it would end soon, sooner than either wanted, for Oliver was accepted at Emory and had the opportunity to start in the summer taking some creative writing classes geared toward incoming freshman. He would be leaving two weeks after graduation.

Joshua was saddened by Oliver’s departure more than he wanted to admit. He really did like Oliver and wondered if things had been different what their relationship would have become. It was back to the three of them and they spent the first weeks of summer hanging out in Oak Hill, driving up to Montgomery on weekends for shopping and movies or just sitting on the pier at the fish pond. Each time Joshua would remember that night, the first time for Oliver and himself. How it had happened so quickly, over too soon. But that night brought Oliver and he out, made them open up to their sexuality and allowed them to explore it for weeks after.

July fourth found them at the state park over up in Dallas County. Carl and Beth had organized it and there would be ten of them camping over the course of three days. Joshua had his own small two-man tent set next to the large one erected by Sam and Cathy. Carl and Beth had a nearby cabin that would be where they would cook and hangout, using its firepit.

Joshua had watched the others arrive, helping some set up their tents. He realized everyone else were from Carl’s class or the year after. He saw Travis arrive with his girlfriend. They took the sleeping loft in the cabin and were soon helping Carl and Beth with preparing the evening’s dinner.  Marcus arrived with Taylor and Joshua watched them set up two tents, keeping a safe distance, afraid his thoughts would betray him. He watched them unfold the tents, set the poles and lift them up staking each corner. Taylor with his shirt off and Marcus in a tank top, Joshua imagined them actually sharing a tent, the other one for appearances. He imagined them in sexual positions, playing different scenarios. Taylor on top fucking Marcus. Marcus on top fucking Taylor. In a sixty-nine sucking each other. All things Oliver and he had done the last weeks of school and those two short weeks after.

A Jeep pulled in with Sarah and another girl Joshua didn’t recognize and the fantasy was shattered as it pulled up next to Marcus’ truck. Two tents; two couples.

Joshua watched the others arrive. Harry, Sarah, Elizabeth and all the others, most still single, ready to party over the next few days, celebrating an independence not quite what the founding fathers had in mind. It was getting late in the day, two grills fired up ready for the hamburgers and hot dogs, when an old Datsun 510 pulled in. It sounded modified, the exhaust higher in pitch. It sat lower than stock sporting a bright blue paint job. It pulled in at the tent sites.

“Who’s that?” Joshua asked Beth as he helped here set out paper plates and utensils.

“Oh, that is Jin Soo. He had to work today so he couldn’t get here before now.”

“He works in the area?”

“Just for the summer and it’s at his mother’s real estate office.”

“I see” Joshua uttered as he watched the lanky body climb out of the 510. Jin Soo went to the trunk and pulled out his tent, backpack and a cooler. The cooler had wheels, so he pulled it across the rough ground as he made his way to an empty site to set up his tent, one that Joshua saw was next to his own. Jin Soo was casually dressed, shorts and a loose-fitting tank top that was cut low. Joshua felt suddenly exposed, like Jin Soo was here to test him, expose his secret to the others. It was crazy, the whole idea but Jin Soo, more than any other guy in school, had seemed the most sexual, ambiguously so, at the time frighteningly so. Now his nervousness mixed with some primitive attraction toward Jin Soo, some sense of prey ready to be stalked.

“Why don’t you go help him get set up?” Beth asked breaking Joshua out of his thoughts.

“What?”

“Go help Jin Soo” Beth coaxed, pushing Joshua toward the site Jin Soo was setting up. “None of the other guys will help him. They’re scared of him” Beth added, laughing.

“Scared of him?”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake, GO” Beth uttered, pushing Joshua in the back.

Joshua ambled across the grounds till he was at Jin Soo’s site. The tent was pulled from its bag, the tent poles still folded up as Jin Soo was digging out stakes and his plastic hammer to set them.

“Hey, you need some help?”

Jin Soo looked over at Joshua, momentarily confused, then recognition showed in his face and he smiled. “You’re Joshua, two years behind me in school.”

“Yep.”

“Well, I could use your help. I can’t believe I agreed to camping, but Beth was adamant I was going to come. Can you get this tent set up?”

“Yeah, no problem. You want to face the center with the others or turn away, like Elizabeth did over there” pointing to a red tent with its back turned to the center of the group.

“I can face in.”

Joshua worked quickly, unfolding the poles and locking them in place. Then he slipped them through the loops on the tent, securing them were appropriate, all the while casting quick glances over at Jin Soo. The tank top was even looser than he originally imagined, for when Jin Soo bent over or twisted around one or both nipples were exposed. He noticed Jin Soo’s arms were muscular, like those of a runner, not bulging but lean. As he lifted the tent up, its domed shape revealing itself, he looked over at Jin Soo opposite him, arms held up, spread wide apart and he scanned the smooth white skin with no blemish in site. Jin Soo had cut his hair, short on the side but still long on top where it fell over his forehead and down over one eye.

Standing next to him while squatted down, hammering a stake in place, Joshua watched the muscles of his back flex with the swinging arm movement. When Jin Soo stood up Joshua suddenly realized they were the same height, with similar builds, he only slightly stockier than Jin Soo.

Tent staked out and gear stowed inside Joshua stood to the side as Jin Soo zipped up the front.

“You ready to go over to the cabin? They’ll be grilling the hamburgers and hot dogs by now” said Joshua, looking toward the cabin where the smoke from grills rose up into the tree tops.

“Yeah, I’m starving. I didn’t get lunch today” Jin Soo replied.

They walked side by side, Jin Soo asking Joshua about his college plans, where he was going and about his major in computer programming. Joshua answered his questions, thankful for the mundane topic. As they walked across the grounds he noticed a couple of the guys looking their way. Jin Soo noticed the looks too and exhaled as one exhausted with some effort.

“I see some of the guys still don’t like me.”

“Yeah, some have to have someone to hate on” Joshua replied not sure what else to say.

“There you are” Beth called out as they approached. “Did you get your tent set up?”

Jin Soo went to Beth, hugged her then stepped back, “yes, with his help” nodding his head toward Joshua.

“Well, I’m glad you came. Some outdoor living won’t hurt you.”

“We’ll see” Jin Soo replied, as they both laughed.

“Joshua, go get Sam and Cathy; we’re almost ready to eat.”

Joshua crossed the open ground going to bank of the lake where Cathy and Sam sat watching some guys kayak across it. As he was gone he didn’t know Beth was talking about him, telling Jin Soo they had much in common, and this weekend was a time to let loose and have fun. Jin Soo had shook his head at her, told her to stop, but the seed had been planted and it would germinate over the course of the next few hours.

It was after eleven o’clock, the fire burned down low as everyone sat around it, some nursing one last beer, a couple of guys sipping straight from a bottle of bourbon. They were passing around the circle a couple of joints. One going clockwise, one going counterclockwise. They crossed at Joshua who hit one then the other, choking on the second one making everyone laugh.

Slowly, one couple or the next headed off to their tents. Carl and Beth made their way to the cabin followed a few minutes later by Travis and Lisa. Cathy and Sam had invited the guys who were kayaking over who had taken a seat next to each of them. Brad next to Cathy and Hector next to Sam. As the exodus from the firepit continued it wasn’t long before Cathy and Brad ambled toward the girl’s tent and Sam and Hector toward the guy’s tent on the other side of the tent area. This left Jin Soo and Joshua and suddenly everything was awkward for Joshua. It was obvious they had made no attempt to hook up with a girl, although there were four at a nearby cabin who had flirted with them earlier. It was obvious to them both they had been checking each other out, sizing the other up, wondering if they felt awkward too, or considered the situation differently. Jin Soo leaned forward, raked the glowing coals around in the fire then looked over at Joshua.

“Hey, you want to take a walk?”

“Sure” Joshua replied.

They cut across the camping site heading west, the moon behind them casting long shadows of darkness in their path. The walked quietly at first but once away from all the tent sites they began to talk quietly, about what school was like, what Joshua could expect in college, and who was with whom tonight. At the earthen dam they moved out into the open able to look back across the lake toward the few lights around the swimming area and campsites.

“It’s a nice night” Jin Soo whispered as he stood just behind Joshua.

“Yes it is; there’s not a cloud in the sky” Joshua replied as he looked up scanning the night time sky.

Joshua sensed Jin Soo moving closer, believed he could feel the heat of his body. He froze in place waiting, telling himself he wasn’t sure he wanted this, maybe he should stop Jin Soo, but knowing differently. A hand touched him on the back, lightly at first then with more pressure. There was no denying it and Joshua looked over his shoulder at Jin Soo.

“Is this okay?” Jin Soo asked and for a brief moment Joshua thought of that night on the pier with Oliver, the way there was doubt, a hesitancy in approaching him.

“Yes” Joshua replied turning to Jin Soo, moving to him, holding him by the neck as he leaned forward kissing him on the lips. Jin Soo became more aggressive, suddenly sure Joshua wanted this to happen. Hands moved over Joshua, massaged his shoulders and chest, cupped each ass cheek, giving them a squeeze while pulling their bodies closer together. In short order Jin Soo was groping Joshua, a hand on his crotch feeling the erection trapped within his shorts. They fumbled with each other’s clothes then their own till Jin Soo stood naked and Joshua was shirtless, shorts and boxers twisted around his ankles.

“I want to fuck you” Jin Soo whispered in Joshua’s ear just before he tongued it. Joshua moaned and pushed his cock against Jin Soo’s.

“Yeah…yeah…fuck me…” Joshua uttered in a low voice as he squirmed in Jin Soo’s arms then he pulled free and turned around. Bending over he offered himself to Jin Soo. He reached back and pulled his cheeks apart waiting for Jin Soo to take him. “Come on…dick me…stick in it” Joshua was pleading as Jin Soo moved up behind him, fingers raking along his ass, probing for his opening, then rubbing it feeling its tightness. Joshua bent over further, hands on his knees as Jin Soo penetrated his hole with one, then two, then three fingers. He felt his hole stretch with the manipulation of those fingers, the way they twisted in his hole, then pushed in all the way. Joshua’s cock rose up hard between his legs with the stimulation and excitement of what was to come.

Jin Soo’s fingers pulled free of his hole leaving him feeling empty, but he felt Jin Soo move back close, then the blunt head of Jin Soo’s cock push against his opening. Reaching back he held Jin Soo’s thighs urging him on.

“Stick it in me…come on…stop teasing me” Joshua uttered as he pushed back against the blunt round head at his opening. Jin Soo took him by the hips and held him firmly in place while pushing harder, breaching Joshua’s tight opening and penetrating him. Joshua felt the penetration, the way it sank into him slowly, all the way till hips pressed against ass. Then Jin Soo fucked him.

Jin Soo moved in Joshua’s hole slowly at first, let it loosen to his penetration. Then he began to fuck faster, to drive himself all the way inward, over and over and over. The sound of hips smacking ass cheeks echoed across the lake. Neither cared, lost to the moment, this fuck that connected them.

Jin Soo held Joshua by the hips while he fucked, hard, shoving inward then just as quickly pulling back. Joshua began to grunt as he pushed back trying to get Jin Soo deeper into his body. Their bodies grew hot and their skin began to glisten in the moonlight as it grew wet and slick from their exertions. Jin Soo ran one hand up Joshua’s back and around his neck pulling him upright holding their bodies tight together. The other hand came around Joshua’s waist, raked over the slick skin of his stomach, upward over his chest. The fingers found his right nipple and rubbed over it. When two fingers closed down on it, pinched down then twisted, Jin Soo hammered Joshua’s hole, roughly, battering his insides. Joshua cried out and arced his back as the took the pain mixed with the pleasure. His own cock flopped against his stomach till he thought he would come.

Jin Soo took Joshua in hand, stroking him roughly, keeping in rhythm of their fuck.  It caused Joshua to rock his hips back and forth, pushing back to take Jin Soo then pushing forward fucking the hand that held him. Eyes closed, not caring who heard them or even saw them, Joshua grunted louder and louder, his need for release rising up fast. Oliver had never fucked him so roughly, so physically, and he felt like he was burning up. He shivered, muscles tensing tightly then he came, hard, his entire body racking with each ejaculation.

Jin Soo felt it, the way he shook and shivered then the way his hole spasm around his cock as he thrust into Joshua’s depths. Joshua’s cock jerked and flexed in his hand then after a few seconds he felt the last remnants slick his hand up and the smell of cum fill the air. Roughly he pushed Joshua over, holding him by the neck bent over to take his fuck, the last moments before he too came.

Joshua was breathing hard, cock still hard with cum leaking from the slit, as he was rocking back and forth. He felt the roughness of their fuck, the increased pace and he relaxed to the rough rhythm of it, let his whole body take it, the repeated push into his depths.

“Oh fuck…I’m going to…” Jin Soo uttered then shoved into Joshua hard, holding tight to his ass as he shook. When he finally pulled free of Joshua, he was spent, his cock half hard, wet and slimy with his load.

Jin Soo stepped back, thinking they were finished but Joshua spun around and was on him before he knew it. Forced to turn around, forced into a bent over position he was surprised to find Joshua still hard, pushing at this opening.

“Let me in…take me” Joshua grunted through clinched teeth.

“Yeah…fuck me…shove that cock in me” Jin Soo uttered, urging Joshua on, pleading with him to do it, to shove through his tight opening and sink into his body.

Joshua’s cock was still wet, slick with his first load, as he pressed against Jin Soo’s tightness. He pulled back slightly then shoved forward breaching the tight ring and penetrated him with half his cock before stopping to let Jin Soo adjust. Then Joshua fucked, every thought, every action, focused on Jin Soo’s hole and how it felt wrapped around his cock as he piston roughly into its depths.

“Joshua…let me get down on the ground; I can’t stand any longer” Jin Soo pleaded and Joshua followed him down where he got on all fours, Joshua’s cock still deeply buried in his hole. On his knees and elbows, head hung down, his own cock half hard and leaking he took Joshua’s fuck. Took every thrust inward as he heard the rhythmic smack of hips against ass. Joshua bore down on him, leaned over his back and bear hugged their bodies together grinding cock into his depths.

Joshua had come once, and the second would be a long time coming. He fucked till he thought his cock was turn to cinders. His body was a furnace and his muscles were burning with his exertions.

Jin Soo barely comprehended the rough ground as his arms and knees were grinding into it. He only knew the feel of cock in his hole, the way it plunged into his depths over and over. Reaching up he took his own cock, feeling it respond quickly. He stroked to Joshua’s rhythm, fast and rough, his fist slamming down into his abdomen then raking over the sensitive head. He shook and shivered with the stimulation: his and Joshua’s.

Jin Soo couldn’t believe it but he came first, his cock flexing in his hand as he felt cum spatter his chest and stomach then his hand become slick as he stroked himself to completion.

Joshua felt Jin Soo come, the way he shivered beneath them and it pushed him over the edge. As he smelled Jin Soo’s fresh load he came, shoving inward all the way and filling Jin Soo’s depths with his load.

Back at the camp site there was a hesitation, unsure whether it was appropriate for them to sleep together or if they should retire to their own tents. They stood near the firepit that was still smoking.

“Oh. go on and get in one or the other’s tent” Beth’s voice called out startling them.

“Beth, goddamn it, you scared the shit out of us” Joshua exclaimed in a forced low voice.

She laughed as she slid off the picnic table holding a water.

“What are you doing up?” Jin Soo asked.

“You know me, rarely sleeping through the night. So, I came outside to not disturb Carl.”

“Wait…what do you mean everyone knows?” Joshua suddenly asked.

“Oh Joshua, don’t be naïve. It is as obvious as the moon in the sky.”

Beth looked at Jin Soo then over at Joshua, making a face. “But before you turn in I suggest the two of you take a shower first.”

She turned and eased back into the cabin. Jin Soo led Joshua to his tent so he could get his toiletries, towel and a change of clothes. They went to Jin Soo’s tent for him to do the same then headed to the bathhouse. Once cleaned up they came back to Jin Soo’s tent, the larger of the two and climbed inside, lying on top of the sleeping bag savoring the cooling night air.

The next day there were lewd comments about Jin Soo’s elbows and knees and the obvious implications, but by the end of breakfast the joking around and jesting with them had grown boring and they made changed to making plans for the day; hiking the trails and swimming in the lake. That night events played out as before, only this time Joshua and Jin Soo were not the last to leave the firepit nor did they feel compelled to take a walk, instead going straight to Jin Soo’s tent where they struggled to keep the others from hearing them fuck.

Back home, over a month left of summer before heading off to college, Joshua met up with Jin Soo often. They spent weekends hanging out at each other’s home then finding quiet out of the way places for sex. With two weeks left of summer Jin Soo took Joshua to Montgomery. They claimed to be going for a movie but spent the entire night at a hotel room on the edge of town.

Jin Soo left first for college and Joshua felt his absence. They had been sexual partners but also became friends, promising to stay in touch. As different as their backgrounds were there were a lot of similarities too. Joshua left a few days later, drove himself up to the university in Tennessee.

On campus he found his dorm and soon was making his way down the corridor to his room carrying two suitcases and wearing his backpack. As he passed the rooms, most with doors open, he surveyed the guys. There were the usual jocks dressed in gym shorts and tank tops or shirtless. There were geeks wearing glasses trading books. In each room he saw guys huddled around monitors playing games. By the look of the guys and the sound of the games he knew who were playing war games, who were playing sports games and who were playing the sci-fi games. He gave each his measure, wondering who was willing, or which he wished were willing. As he approached his door he saw it was closed. Across the corridor the door was open. He set his suitcases down to dig out his key and as he did he glanced over into the room opposite. At the desk sat a guy wearing a tank top, loose fitting, deeply cut around the arms and neck revealing fair white skin. The tank top looked the same as the ones Jin Soo liked to wear. He wore dark trendy glasses and had short dark hair. He was watching the television sitting on his desk.

Joshua found himself staring until the guy looked up his way. Acting casual Joshua gave a nonchalant wave.

“Hey, how’s it going?”

“Okay. Are you in that room?”

“Yep” Joshua replied then coming to the door of the guy’s room he added, “I’m Joshua.”

“Ben.”

“Well Ben, I guess we’ll be seeing each other around.”

“Yep.”

“Well, I need to get my stuff into my room. I’ve got one more trip to make to get everything up.”

Joshua turned, inserted his key and opened the door. His roommate’s belongings were in the room, the bed on the left taken and the desk next to it covered in books and a laptop. Joshua picked up his suitcases and started to head in but stopped. Turning around he looked back at Ben’.

“Hey Ben, you want to go grab a burger after I get settled in?”

Ben sat up and looked like he was about to say no but nodded his head instead. “Yeah, sure. I’ll show you were to get the best in town.”

“Great. I’ll come over when I’m done” Joshua replied. He went into his room, tossing his suitcases down on the floor. He surveyed the room, his home for the next two semesters as the while wondering about the guy across the hall. Ben, in his loose tank top and baggy shorts. His mind raced with the idea of making out with Ben, scenarios of the two of them having sex. He let his mind run wild with the possibilities for he had a sense about Ben, some read of him. And this wasn’t high school and there would be no more hiding, no more refraining from pursuing what he wanted.