Rising Again

5 years after my toxic 2 year relationship and it arises again…

I was excited for the day he left. He was going to visit his parents for the weekend for his mother’s birthday. I decided not to attend the party they were having because I didn’t want to deal with Minnesota weather in the winter. As we kissed and sent our goodbyes I gave him a big hug and a wet kiss. As I watched him take off in his Uber to go to the airport my mind was going in all sorts of directions. The feeling of having a whole week to myself sounded pleasant. I thought of all the sexy naughty things I could do. Then my mind came back to reality. Why do I have these thoughts? 

Our marriage was one to blab about to our friends. Hell, we didn’t even have to blab they could just tell how happy we were by looking at our faces. I was happy. We were married for 4 years. For the first two we were okay. Then things started becoming stressful. Finances being the main thing. Also we weren’t as intimate as we once were. I was having trouble with myself and my confidence. I was gaining weight. I was depressed deep down. He probably was too.

I wasn’t surprised then that my mind turned to exploring my sexual desires while he was away. At first it started by just looking online. Hookup sites in my area. I spent hours after Leon left just scouring the internet, testing the waters. I took nude photos of myself to post on these sites. Then it lead to actually interacting with people online and talking to them. Asking for drugs as well..party and play (pnp as it’s called). I was in such a bad place mentally that I needed anything to take away my anxiety and boost my self esteem. Also, it was a while back that I decided to quit using Crystal meth.

I stopped using it because I finally had gotten out of a bad relationship where I was using regularly with my partner at the time. For almost 2 years it was party and play all the time. It was fun but the party eventually had to end. I’d say it the most traumatic two years of my life. But once I ended that and started the next chapter of Leon, my husband, it’s not something that I partake in. But of course I still had the craving and urge to use once in a while especially during this period where my confidence and marriage had reached an all time low.

My profile read “bottom looking to party and play” with the cloud emoji. One thing lead to another and I found this guy on the site. We were looking to meet up. His profile said he wanted someone to come watch his girlfriend fuck him. I have to admit when I saw the word “girlfriend” I directly said no in my head. Don’t get me wrong I think woman are beautiful but I am not sexually attracted to them. I prefer “bussies”. What pushed me toward this meet up is the fact that he was the only one that night that said he had crystal and wanted to share. I called him up and they said they wanted to get a hotel but they were short on money. I said it was fine that I can pay for half of it and we can at least have a room for the night. We all agreed. He then gave me the name of the hotel “Vanderloo Hotel” which is just 10 minutes from my house. I told him that it was set and will meet them shortly.

I ended the call and was rushed with adrenaline. I took a shower then put my clothes on. I wore my jockstrap and some grey sweatpants. I didn’t necessarily know what was about to go down but I was preparing for the unexpected: maybe for him to fuck me (his profile stated he only just wanted someone to watch…but just maybe he would fuck me).  I grabbed the lube and left the house. Once I got into my car I mapped my way to Vanderloo Hotel on my phone.

As I was driving my heart was beating fast. Thinking the endless possibilities that could happen tonight. I Barely though about my safety. What if this was a set-up? What if I get robbed? So many things running through my head. All the while Impossible by Christina Aguilera was playing on the aux. I loved that song. I saw her once when she played Jingle Ball 2007 in New York. At the time I was living with my roommate and I was just a kid back then. How life was easier. I just entered my 40s a month ago; oh how time flies. I was still in saturday night New York City traffic after the song ended and now Beethoven was playing. Why did I decide to drive? I mean the hotel is 10 minutes by car and 25 if walking. I should’ve just walked it would’ve saved me time. Thing is I wasn’t thinking with my head at all.

I arrived at the hotel parking garage and parked my car. I texted them and no response. Then I called them and they said they will be there soon. I waited nervously. Two minutes later I received a call saying the just arrived and we at the entrance. I got out of my car and exited the garage and made me way to the entrance of the Vanderloo. I spotted a thin man, around the same age as me, and his “wife” or “girlfriend” medium built around the same age. Next to them was a huge backpack and duffel bag that I assumed had clothes and such. I smiled and said hello to both of them. My first impression is they seemed both out of it. I could tell they had been using the whole day to the point where they were trying to not appear high but clearly they were. I know how it is because I was in their position before (high and trying act normal); It was unsightly. I should’ve turned right back around and said never mind. But the drugs they were about to share with me convinced me otherwise. We conversed a bit at the front introducing ourselves. They were from out of town visiting. I told them I was from Brooklyn born and raised.

We entered the hotel which was nothing to boost about. The three of us walked up to the front desk and I asked the gentleman behind the counter if he had a room available. He asked if a one bed is fine and we all said yes. When it came time to pay I put my card on the tray and my new friends that I met told me they didn’t have a credit card. I said it was fine. I can put the total on my card and they would hand me their cash. I find out later that night they would never give me the cash. Once the room was paid we were given directions from the front desk clerk to our room. Room 16. We took the elevator to the third floor and anxiously walked to the room. Room 16. I shoved my key card so hard into the slot and saw the green light flash along with a beep and a click. We entered the room and turned on the lights. It smelled of a clean hotel room….