Questionnaire

Over time we have all wondered what those on line dating services really offered and how full of crap they were. All of them come with a questionnaire that wants you to believe this is all vey scientific, just fill out this form and, wham, up will pop a man that is just what you're looking for. Maybe. Some of them, to make a buck and to add validity to their site, might charge a few bucks to take it. What they want is your credit card number so when you join, they can bill you the membership fee until you remember to "unsubscribe".

Of course I've filled out a few and, maybe it's me, but the market for 77 year old Physicists doesn't seem to be out there. Okay, I can ride that pony so lets see what the portrait of a perfectly nice guy who's everything I'm not gets. 

What I've done is picked out some of the usual and some of the stupider questions I found as I wandered around with my new persona. While these aren't the answers I always gave, the comments are what I thought...assuming I was my new persona. 

At the end, well you'll find a message that may ring familiar.  PJ

The Questionnaire

Well, I've tried everything else to get a man so why not this? I'm not keen on online dating but...at arms length and assuming we'll all lie to some degree, I'll give it a try. This one seemed....innocuous in that it doesn't ask for more than I'm probably willing to tell or, to put that another way, more than I'm willing to shade a bit away from reality? Also, they don't want a "fee:" just to fill it out. Hey, this is the shop window and I'm the dummy....as it were....who will be put out to attract the customers. At least through the glass of the ether I can neither hear them laugh or get hot....although...I'm not sure how you hear someone get hot...First Question:

Name: Well, I have one, but....in this day of everyone playing I spy maybe only part of my name and something....else. Jones? Smith? Washington? No, can't do that, most adult males whose surname is Washington are black. sooooooo. Uhm?

Jerome Smith....no, Jerome Smithson. Good, looks legit.

Nickname: Jerry.

Age: Over 21 on legal documents and not eligible for Social Security. That's a broad range, maybe too broad...Over 21 on legal documents and not eligible for AARP. 

Place of Residence (You may use a state only if you prefer.) Cleveland, Ohio...yes, the mistake lake place. 

A Bit About You

Height: 5'11

Weight: 158-naked (heheheh)

Hair: Yes, I have some. That's not what they want...okay, Flat top. With a landing strip, yes, I was in the military. (Marines? that always draws a crowd but....) Air Force.

Race: (You may decline to answer) Caucasian. 

Size of Shoe: (? that's kind of bizarre but...) 10.5 D

Work: All the time. What do I do? I feel for the guys who are accountants although they may be sexy as sin, it just sounds boring. In fact, I'm a Cop. 

Your Best Feature; Uhm....that you can see? Smile, that's what other men tell me, just not the ones to whom I'm issuing summons.

Favorite Color; Cop Blue. (Easy, I see it all day, I guess it is my favorite except in summer when we switch to puke beige.)

Hobbies: Well, is fucking a hobby, an avocation or an addiction? Better go with bowling, playing Stud Poker (hehehe) hockey. 

Favorite Position: Jeez, we gotthere quickly enough. Seated, I'm in a car all day so...Horizontal? I kinda like vertical for quickies downtown in summer.

THE PERSONAL YOU

Your Penis. Length: Uhm, maybe a number 2 pencil. Without the eraser and sharpened an inch or two off. That seems sort of accurate and, after all, numbers don't mean a thing. Girth: Slightly smaller than the inside of a standard water glass when enthusiastic.

Testicles: Now here's a strong point for me, even the Captain has had to ask me to have my uniform pants altered. So...Meaty, firm, low hanging, always loaded. 

Things you will and will not do;

Christ? do they mean on a first date? Some of this shit I wouldn't ever do...and that includes...shit. 

Kiss? Yes

Open Mouthed? Uhm hum

Suck; Depends, what did we do before we got around to that and is he going to reciprocate? Like a good suck job, what man doesn't?

Fuck; No. Well, if it turns into an over nighter...then....To Be Determined.

Fist; I use them professionally but...up me? No.

Full Penetration: As opposed to what? No penetration? Then you're not fucking or maybe I was taught wrong.

Use of Hands: Absolutely, never a meal without use of hands. Well, honestly, how dim are these people? I expect a modest, maybe moreso, groping, I intend to grope myself. No, I mean I intend to grope someone else, not myself. This isn't the NFL, I don't think there's a rule about Illegal Use Of Hands.

Electro: Have tried....but it's not a first date kinda thing. Like finding someone has a very well equipped "play room" the first time round. Great that they have it...maybe but don't show it to me at first. How well do me know each other? I think being strung up and having your knob electried is definitely not a first date thing. Or maybe fifth;...

Would You Pay For A Meal?: Going out and not paying for a meal means you may get to meet me professionally regardless of your sexual preferences. I'd prefer to go Dutch the first time.

Where Would You Like To Have A First Date?: Well, I've always wanted to see Italy but for a first time that may be pushing it. I don't know, some place public where everyone keeps their hands above the table. Dinner, easier to have a drink, if they drink, then as opposed to lunch. I don't really drink, in my line of work, you've seen too many people who love to drink...wait til you've had to take one to the ER and they throw up on you. 

Underwear? Briefs? Boxers? Commando?: Ever meet a cop who says they go commando and you've met a liar. My jock is almost illlegal, the two I ordered came in a brown paper box. Made for cage fighters who will do it no holds barred. Cup would make a goalie cry it's so strong-he could use it to defend straight on shots. Not on duty? Jock.

What Sort of Man Are You Seeking?: One with no wants or warrants? No, someone about my age, average Joe, like me, steady job, polite, nobody young...I'd think about a guy ten, maybe fifteen years older. My hobbies, pleasant looking. I don't care if they've got a full head of hair but a full set of cock and balls would be good. Not looking for a sexual athlete but...not someone who still has their cherry.

Domicile; I have my own place, nice if he had his. Good parking for those times when you're up beyond midnight. Does Not Live With Family. I once had a couple of dates with a guy who said he lived with his brother but his brother was in the service. I assumed that meant, apart from his coming home on leave, he lived alone. Wrong, his brother who was in the service of some weird religious group lived at home and wanted all of us....No Family.

Would You Travel?: I know what you mean but...how far are we stretching travel? Akron? Pittsburgh? Dallas? I'm real domesticated so maybe as far as Chagrin Falls. Would I go on a weekend date and travel, hell yes, I did that, we went to Chicago for the IML thing and...yes, I'd travel.

Your Idea Of A Perfect Date?: Okay, cuz this may not be what you have in mind. I'm on duty and pull over a 'Vette occupied by a guy, around 55, big brown eyes, silver ponytail, not wearing any pants. Nothing below the waist except for a PA also used to dock ships. I forget to put my vehicle in P so it rolls into the lake, mistake? Remember? Okay, he pushes up and the lid on the car flies off and I leap over the side to ride shot gun. Oh, I'm wearing leather boots that come up to my crotch, A black leather jock-remember IML? and my badge pinned to my nipple. He suggests we go someplace and exchange examinations for poison ivy. We do and find nothing. We find poison ivy fuck in it and then have to fuck in a tub full of Calsomine lotion....there's a lot more but it's kind of personal...

Tattoos? Piercings? Body Mods?: Some ink courtesy the service, nothing you couldn't bring home to the family. Might get some more. Being a cop there are too many chances to get ventilated so no piercings, like them on other guys...

Tell Us Something About Your Last Experience; He dumped me, that do it for you? Ran off with a woman.

Would You Date Someone of a Different Race?: Listen, I work with guys of other races and they won't so I think I'll take a page from their book. NO.

How much more to this is there? There were fewer questions on the form when I applied for the Academy....

Dear Mr. Smithson-

We here at A Man For All Reasons noticed you started our questionaire but didn't finish it. Might we invite you to return and do so? Also, remember, guys with pictures get more responses......

Remember my new persona? I did fill out several forms and the above snippet of a letter came my way several times. Although the character on which I based my answers does not live in Cleveland and isn't a cop-in Cleveland-he is a Chief Constable in Brisbane, Queens. Aus. (Sorry Bry...I didn't tell them a tenth of what you've told me.....) 

What I found is that....there isn't much of a market for forty-ish cops in Cleveland. The responses that I got were from guys who sent a picture of themselves, well, a picture of parts of themselves which I seriously doubt were even close to reality. Did I use Bry's picture? Yep, in his blue uniform just not showing he was wearing knee socks and short. Almost without exception, seems the photo included wasn't the part of the anatomy they wanted. Could I send something more, uh, explicit-I believe this is called "sexting" sure, I have a favourite picture of a guy's cock in a very elaborate cock cage made like a dragon. Its been around for years but that's the picture I sent. Generally, after that, I heard no more. Also the very few who did try and sound genuine, were gently turned away with the excuse my old boy friend was back in town-this is the lyric, I believe, from a Sherelle's song circa 1960. 

I hope this will jog some memories of your days answering similar questionnaires and the results.