Pete's Story

Jason

During his first few weeks at university Pete phoned Jason’s home several times to find out how he was. Each time he found himself talking to either the answer phone or Jason’s sister, Mary. He became increasingly concerned and frustrated, despite the reassurances from Mary that Jason was home from hospital and recovering well from his breakdown. He couldn’t understand why his friend and protector wouldn’t speak to him. What had he done to upset him? If he was in any way responsible, or had contributed towards Jason’s trauma then he wanted to try make things right between them. He would’ve at least liked to have a chance to apologise. Eventually, Jason agreed to speak to him. The silence between them was awkward.

‘How are you?’

‘Okay I suppose. How’s uni?’

‘Strange. Not like anything I’ve done before. You should come visit.’

‘Yeah, well.’

‘I’d like you to.’

Pete, I…. Look mate, I can’t see you now. I can’t……. I’m sorry….. I’ve got to go. Bye mate.’

Pete heard the phone being dropped and the sound of what he thought was crying.

‘Pete, it’s Mary.’

‘What’s wrong Mary? What have I done? Why’s he crying?’ The pain and hurt she could hear in the voice on the phone was breaking Mary in two. She loved her . brother dearly, and alone amongst her family had worked out why he was in the state he was. She also knew that there was no way that he could ever tell his family that he loved another boy, or that he could live a safe and happy life with that boy. Their father would see nothing but shame and disgust in such an admission and relationship. In all probability he wouldn’t just disown Jason he would most likely kill him and possibly Pete as well. He was a rabid bigot and took pride in his membership of the local branch of the far-right National Front. In his considered opinion, the only good ‘Paki’ was a dead one, and the only thing worse than someone with a brown face was a ‘ fuckin’ queer’. Jason was also fully aware of his fathers bigotry and had spent his life trying to ensure he had his full approval for all he did, even if it meant doing things he didn’t feel comfortable doing, or as he got older, taking a stance on issues he didn’t agree with. He was frightened of his father and would never jeopardise his fragile relationship with him. Not even for his own happiness or that of the one person he truly loved.

Mary held the phone to her ear knowing that she could not reveal her brothers fear and weakness to Pete, he would never forgive her. She decided to tell him all she dared. As she spoke she knew she sounded cold and unfeeling, ‘Pete, he has to live the life that’s expected of him, and that can’t include you. I hope you can understand. You know how he feels about you and I believe you have feelings for him, but I’m afraid your friendship has to stop. Please leave him alone now and stop contacting him. Please do not call this number again. Please get on with your life Pete and let Jason get on with his. I’ll do my best to look after him, I promise. Goodbye.’ She hung up giving Pete no opportunity to respond.

Gathering all her remaining strength, Mary walked across to where Jason sat huddled on an arm chair, quietly crying and rocking himself back and forwards. She wrapped he arms around him as a mother would her child and murmured comforting sounds and words to him as she gently rocked him to sleep. And so she became the rock that Jason was to build the next thirty years of his life on. The only person in his world who knew his secret, a secret that would come to make him hate not just himself but in time, almost everyone else around him.

Having an ally and confident in Mary made it easier for Jason to rebuild the walls he needed around himself as protection against the truth ever finding its way through to him. He knew he could fuck girls if he had to. That bit was easy, just close his eyes and think of a sexy bit of knob as he was thrusting away. And he did enjoy the company of pretty women, and they still threw themselves at him, so that side of things wasn’t going to be a problem. Emotionally? Well, who needed love anyway? He managed without it for eighteen years, he was sure he could cope for many more. So he metaphorically squared his shoulders, put his best foot forward and took the fork in the road that was expected of him, turning his back on everything his heart and soul was begging for. It was inevitable, that tragedy and heartbreak would eventually find him.

At first, everything seemed to go well. He found himself a nice girl called Alice. Her parents owned a very successful hardware shop in the neighbouring town of Rawtenstall. Alice was their only daughter, having been conceived late in life and against all the odds. As a result she was somewhat over indulged if not downright spoiled, but was sweet enough, and worshiped Jason, being the envy of all her friends for snaring such a handsome, athletic, sexy young man with such excellent prospects. He went to work with his father in the garage cum workshop cum sales forecourt, and to no ones surprise excelled at all aspects, especially when it came to selling cars. He was a natural. Customers liked his easy manner and cheeky wit. The fact that he never lied about a vehicle and always ensured that mistakes and faults were corrected promptly, efficiently and with a smile, ensured customers came back again and again, and recommended them to their friends and family.

By the time he was thirty, Jason was officially General Manager of the business, and his father was semi-retired. Alice had delivered them three children, a daughter, Lisa, and two years later, twin sons, Peter and Paul. Jason was seen as a leading member of the local business community. A successful family man, being canvassed by the local Conservative Party as a prospective councillor and an upstanding member of his local church. Still keen on sport and wanting to maintain his health and fitness, he played football regularly, swam and was a member of his local health club. Only Mary knew that his obsession with fitness and maintaining his attractiveness stemmed from his vanity and refusal to become, as he once told her, ‘just another overweight, middle aged heterosexual. Sitting in front of the tv with a bay window for a beer gut looking twenty years older than he needs to.’ He could not understand why so many of the men he went to school with, who had been athletic and trim had, as marriage and fatherhood set in, become fat, unhealthy and bloated. All the while knowing that their lifestyles were shortening their lives. Jason had never smoked, drank in moderation, and when he did preferred to drink well and expensively rather than by volume. He had educated his palette to enjoy fine foods rather than the meat and two veg his mum had always served up when he was a kid, and never ate more than he needed to. He used men’s face and body creams and regularly visited a local spa to help keep his skin in good condition. His hair and goatee was trimmed weekly and he felt no shame in having a manicure regularly. He knew that some people raised eyebrows at some of his personnal habits, and that his father thought him a trifle sissy on occasion, but he had fathered three children and to anyone looking in, he had a happy marriage. If only they knew.

Alice played her part well. After the twins had been conceived, Jason had insisted they have separate bedrooms. At first his excuse had been that he didn’t want to risk her losing the baby, as she had had two miscarriages since delivering their daughter. Then, when the boys were born, he said she needed rest and then space to cope with the twins and he needed to be fresh each morning to run the business. Then it just became the natural order of things. The twins were six now, and Jason hadn’t shared Alice’s bed since they had been born. When she raised the subject he was forthright and honest.

‘Look Alice love. We both knew when we got married that we were never loves young dream. I told you before I proposed that I don’t particularly enjoy sex, and that once we’d got kids I’d probably not want it very often. That doesn’t mean I don’t love ya, it just means I don’t want sex, with anyone.’ Jason honestly thought his reasoning was perfectly acceptable, and didn’t understand why Alice became upset.

‘Have you got a lover? Is there someone else? Is that what it is?’

‘No, I’ve just explained. I don’t want sex with anyone. Period.’

‘Well I do. I like sex and I’m still a young woman for fucks sake. So what am I supposed to do?’

‘I don’t fuckin’ know. Go and ‘ave an affair if your that desperate.’

‘I don’t believe you just said that. You’re actually telling me……giving me permission to have an affair rather than have sex with my own husband? That’s sick. You’re sick.’

‘No. I’m….oh, for the love of god Alice. I can’t bloody win can I? You want a fuck. I don’t. So go and get one. It’s only fucking sex for fucks sake. I mean a shags a shag isn’t it? Well? Isn’t it?’

‘But I don’t understand. I mean you’re a good looking, fit, sexy man. All my girlfriends, and I mean all of them would lie down for you at the snap of your fingers. Fuck, even some of their husbands would from what they tell me, and yet…….hang on. That’s it isn’t it?’

‘What?’ Jason stared at his hands, praying he could find a way through this.

‘Your gay aren’t you?’ Alice sat on the edge of Jason’s bed, her hands in her lap, shoulders slumped forward. ‘My god. That’s it isn’t Jay? Your gay.’ She turned to look at him, twisting round so that one hand came to rest in the centre of the bed. Even with his back to her she could tell Jason was crying. She couldn’t be angry. She loved him, and despite the hurt she felt, she knew that he had done nothing to quench his desires in the years they had been married. If anything, he had done all he could to protect them from his natural urges. And yet, she felt no desire to comfort him. Their marriage was a sham. It needed to be over. ‘How long have you known? Please tell me, and be honest.’

‘A long time.’

‘Before we were married?’

Jason nodded, ‘yes. But I swear I’ve never done anything.’

‘But you wanted to?’

‘Yes.’

Alice stood and walked over to Jason. She put her hands on his shoulders and turned him to face her. ‘Tell me about Pete please Jason.’

A look of shock flooded Jason’s eyes. ‘Pete? How? Why Pete?’

‘He was your closest friend. I’d heard rumours about you two, about how you were his protector. People used to laugh about you, make jokes behind your back. Then he left, went to university didn’t he? Something happened to you then didn’t it? Your family won’t talk about it. I’d like to know Jason. I think I have a right to know. Don’t you?’

The look of shock became one of resignation, then relief. Finally he could tell her the truth and stop pretending. Stop lying. He knew consequences would follow, but he had always known that one day he’d would tell Alice the truth. He had to. He was too good a person not to, and it was tearing him apart living as he was.

He took Alice’s hand and led her to the bed. They both sat. She kept hold of his hand, lending him her strength, knowing he needed it. Slowly, haltingly, he began to tell her about Pete. He started with the first time he had noticed him. How he had been fascinated by the slim, shy boy who did all he could not to be noticed. How he had wanted to know why someone so beautiful wanted to hide. He described the bullying and the blow-job agreement he and his friends had reached with Pete and how he had loved the way Pete had taken the situation and bent it to his benefit. It was then he had started to admire his intelligence and realised how brave he was. He had started to feel protective towards him. They spent more and more time together just as mates. He told Alice about the hours they spent on the moors bird watching. Just being together, when he could be himself, not what everyone else expected him to be. Then, with sobs and anger he related the events of the afternoon he discovered Pete was being abused. Alice saw a pain in her husbands face she had never seen before. A love she knew she would never know from him. He told how Pete’s father beat and humiliated him. How he had no one and no where to hide, that the only friend and confidant he had had been him. He became his protector, confessor, friend, brother, father, everything the frightened boy needed Jason tried to provide. He was just fifteen. How could he possibly succeed. Pete became his world. Everything he did, every thought he had centred on his damaged, needy friend. Then one day he realised he loved him. That he would willingly give his life for him. But when it came to telling him, to not letting him go, his courage failed him. He waited until he was asleep to tell him he loved him and then ran away. He never asked him to consummate their love. Never even asked if his love was returned. For all that he was Pete’s protector, his shield. At the end he ran away. He was a coward. He couldn’t even tell him on the phone. Now it was too late. The train had long ago left the platform. He didn’t even know where he was. He would probably never see him again.

‘Am I gay Alice? I honestly don’t know. I know I love a man called Pete. I’ve never had feelings for other men. I sometimes see a man and think, yeah, he’s alright, but it doesn’t make me hard. The only man I have ever wanted to hold and love is Pete. I don’t want another, just him. And I know I’ll never have him. If that makes me gay then I suppose I must be. I’ve always just thought of myself as a man in love. I’m sorry if that hurts you. Truly sorry. You deserve better.’

There was no anger in the room as the couple sat there holding each other’s hand. Alice was confused as to how she should feel. Her husband had lied to her, but hadn’t actually done anything physically that she could berate him for. Emotionally he had betrayed her, but she could actually understand why. She could also understand why he saw himself as a man in love rather than as a gay man. She knew that to Jason, it didn’t matter who someone loved. What was important was how they loved. Gender and sexuality simply didn’t enter into the equation as far as he was concerned. At the same time, she knew that she would not be able to continue in a marriage that held only platonic love and no passion. She would have to divorce Jason. She couldn’t have affairs with other men whilst remaining married to him, it would be unfair to them both. There was never a good time to tell him, and as they were both calm and being honest, she decided to broach the subject now.

‘What would you like to do now?’

‘I’ve always said you should have been a diplomat,’ said Jason smiling. ‘I’ll go along with what ever you like Alice. I think I’ve called the shots long enough don’t you?’

‘Okay. I’ll speak to a solicitor. No one needs to know the reason except us. And I’d like us to try to stay friends. You’re not a bad man Jason. Just a bit messed up. And I know I can’t just stop loving you like that. Plus we have to think about the kids. You are still their dad, and that will not change.’

‘I have really never deserved you have I?’ As Jason broke down, his wife and best friend pulled him to her and let him cry. She knew his tears were due to relief at her understanding and the release of years of pent up fear and loss. She would shed her own tears later, on her own, in the privacy of her own bedroom.