My journey from submissive cock slut to power-top

So now I'm 25, and I had spent 6 years letting myself be used as a submissive slut at multiple gay saunas, but mainly just one sauna which I loved (it had free coffee and a lunchtime entry discount).

My first sexual experience at 19 - my first gay experience too, after all my silent urges through my teens - had been bad choice, and I shouldn't have gone through with it. And becoming a slutty sub for the next 6 years was my fucked-up way of justifying the fact that I wasn't able to control that first experience where I had felt powerless. See, it made it "intentional" by making almost every sexual encounter afterwards fit the same pattern of being submissive. The truth only dawned on me, because of the number of times I left the sauna feeling broken, worthless, and even crying. I had developed a fear of cumming too, because of le petit mort which would compel me to leave the sauna, its steam, its darkness, the dim red and blue lights, the pounding music, the porn playing, and back into numbing, noisy, light-filled reality. But the pain was never enough to stop me from going back again.

I was never drugged nor drunk, and so every sexual experience I took wide awake. I wouldn't even sniff a popper. I didn't need it. I regularly posted on the sauna's messageboard on Squirt, that I would be there Wednesday lunch, weekly, to suck and swallow every load. These group sessions in the dark steam room was where I had first tasted and became thirsty for cum, and the sweat coming from men's pubes. After these lunchtime sessions, I would stay at the venue for 4-6 hours or even more. I was a student and could spare an entire day. I would have successive individual encounters throughout the day. I avoided cumming, not simply because of the instant remorse, but also so I could go continuously, one guy after another. I had a good memory, and one night I worked out that, so far in life, I'd had sex with more than 300 men. That's without counting the multiple cocks in the steam room. I've never tried counting again since.

I was 6ft, slim and slightly athletic because I did dancing (6 days a week, which itself was beginning to break my body) and light weights, but never controlled my diet so it didn't really show. I was pale, clean-shaved, smooth, and had wavy brown hair. I had a 6.5" uncut cock. I don't regard myself as good looking, but I was told I was. I didn't believe it. I still don't. I hate being photographed. Even still, I became a cocky little faggot, liking to be fucked in the maze corridors in front of other men, or gathering a crowd around to fuck me in the porn lounge. If I wasn't keeping myself going with free coffee and peppermints, I would be pacing the venue, always gently stroking myself to keep a semi hard-on beneath my towel, ready for any man.

When I eventually realised what was motivating my passions, I still couldn't bring them under control. And I was conflicted inside. I needed to suck cock and swallow cum, but everytime I began to suck, it immediately signalled I was "a bottom". Even when I thought I might avoid being a bottom, I always caved in. I couldn't avoid being forced to my knees. I had very few experiences of being a top, and I was always half-hearted about it.

It was only after my epiphany, while I was being pounded by a guy in one of the venue's private booths, and he was aggressive and terrible and didn't care how much he was hurting me, that I realised I didn't have to continue doing something I wasn't enjoying. He had a huge dick and, like most of the big dicks I'd fucked, he thought it made him a sex god. It didn't. My body was a sportscar, and he was driving me like it was a bus. Fuck it. I knew better than him how to screw a guy senseless. I just never had yet.

I summoned up my will power, and pulled myself off his cock. I called it off and left the booth. And this was the first time I rejected a sexual encounter. In that moment, something changed within me. And by a week later it had changed on the outside too. Something about my stance, my movement, even my expression. I had a sense of self worth.

Next week, I wasn't interested in sucking cock in the steam room. For the first time, I wasn't hungry. I honestly didn't give a crap about catching an eye. This was my private pleasure den, spending the day here half naked, hearing guys moan behind closed doors, competing with the throbbing music, and seeing naked men showering and darting in and out of the maze, spa and steam room. It was a circus, and it was pleasure enough to see it happening around me.

I lounged at one of the entrances to the maze, and I had seen many handsome men over the years, and fucked with half of them, but today I saw a new type of handsome. His body was average, with caramel skin, shorter than me, and his features were dark and intense. He had tight curly black hair, a dense tightly trimmed black beard defining his cheeks and jaw, and full lips. His face was what you'd expect of an handsome assassin. I eventually learnt he was Fijian. He glanced at me only for a moment, uninterested, and slipped into the maze. I thought I loved men, I had melted over men's bodies, but for the first time, I felt a fire light inside me over one man and it blocked out all others. And for the first time, I was allowing this new sensation to consume me. I stood up and calmly entered the maze.

There were several other men prowling about in the maze, but I ignored them and my eyes were kept on the distance, I was only interested in the dark figure in the distance. It was like following a dancing white towel, his body was so dark in the maze. I thought I saw eyes flash in my direction, but he turned a corner and disappeared. The maze, by the way, was a winding corridor between all the private booths, and the maze had multiple entrances and loops. It actually took me a whole week to figure out its layout. So when this dark figure turned another corner, I knew a shortcut to where he'd emerge. I turned a different corner. This brief section had no lighting. I ran my hand along the wall to keep myself guided through the darkness, music pounding away. Several paces, and I turned another corner where red light was gently spilling from another opening. I stood there, my hand against the wall, and in a moment the dark man stepped around the corridor, and face to face with me. He froze when he saw me standing there, waiting for him, I was still leaning my arm against the wall.

I was accustomed to saunas and all the subtle signals, glances, inclines of the head, hand tugs and blatant arse caresses. But this moment was unlike any of them. I took one step in, that was all I needed, and it brought our faces together, our noses almost touching. He was breathing shallowly. In comparison, I was completely calm. His face was so strong, but everything about his body signalled he was like a trapped animal. We stood there for a moment, facing each other, and then I brought my other hand up to caress his cheek. His beard was scratchy. I only had to move in an inch to kiss his lips. He gasped. I brought down my other hand to caress both cheeks, and kissed deeper, and drank in his smell. His arms were spread in a surrender. I slowly pushed forwards, forcing him to step backwards one slow step at a time. After a short distance his back ran into the wall. We had emerged from the maze into the corridor adjoining the stairs and unused gloryhole booths. By now my hands had found his, and our fingers were completely entwined.

We stood there, me pinning him against the side of the gloryhole booth, and I raised both his hands above his head. My body was firmly pressed against his, and I could feel his cock swelling beneath his towel. Our hips began grinding, and my kisses began working their way across his face and neck. Men were passing by this open space, pausing at the sight of us. I had years of sexual experience built up inside me, in which I'd always been fully aware of everything happening, and some of the experience was about to be released for the first time - but half of it, to my surprise, was new and simply instinct. Being taller than him, I was able to bring both his hands together above his head, as high as possible, and pin both of them with one hand. My free hand began tweaking his nipple, and I began eating out his armpit. Pinned against the wall he began writhing in ecstasy. When he could take no more, I quickly alternated hands, nipple, and armpit.

I never let go of his hands above his head. I brought my face back up to his, and with my free hand, forcibly turned his head, allowing my tongue to fill his ear. Then I planted my mouth firmly around his ear and began breathing deeply. The sound melted him, and I didn't need my free hand anymore to direct his head. My breathing, my kisses, and my head were enough to direct his head now, and so my free hand trailed down to the towel. His towel was tied at the front and so, while kissing him deeply, my hand snaked inside and began squeezing and stroking his erect cock and balls. He was gasping in our kisses, and I could feel his arms struggling to escape being pinned. So I pinned him tighter, as I was much stronger, and I ate out his armpit again, and he immediately forgot about his struggle, beginning to writhe again, and then I began sucking tightly on his nipple. He was convulsing from this sucking. I didn't care about going to a booth. All that mattered was now. And after a while longer of gripping his erection, I began to undo the towel.

I don't know if other men were watching. They had to have been. The dark man was shy. He panicked, and managed to break free one hand and grab his towel to hold it from being undone. "No, no, not here," he whimpered. I gripped his hand, entwined our fingers, and led it back above his head, returning him to his former pose, pinned by my single hand. Everyone was here for sex. I just looked into his eyes without blinking and said firmly, "Yes. Here." I tugged the towel hard and it dropped to the floor. I was still wearing mine, and I had this naked man pinned against the wall, kissing him, one hand working his meat. He felt so exposed, so vulnerable, but alive, and after several minutes he forget himself, and I felt his entire naked body succumb. I relaxed my grip and his arms fell and wrapped around my torso. His hands slid down to my towelled arse. Still moving as one, I began directing his body. We had been making out against the wall of gloryhole booths. Three turning steps, and we were standing together in an open gloryhole booth. I dropped my towel.

After a minute standing there together naked, making out, our erections pressed and rubbing against each other, I sensed a hand brush my thigh. The gloryholes were large enough for an arm to pass through, and some stranger was trying to catch our attention. So, still making out, we moved closer to the hole and let the man alternately jerk us while we made out. The hand was trying to pull my dick towards the hole, so instead I directed the hips of my new dark friend towards the hole. Then I moved myself to behind him, kissing my way down his sweaty back, and pushing him against the glory hole, pushing his cock into the waiting mouth. At the same time as his cock was enveloped by the stranger's mouth, I was already squatting, spreading my friend's arse cheeks. Despite his average physique, his arse was fat. There was a lot to hold and spread, and bury my face in completely. And I did, with a lot of spit and tongue. I was aggressively eating out his hole while he was being blown through the gloryhole. His moans had become more frequent, and more louder.

His hole was drenched with my saliva, and I replaced the motions of my tongue with the side of my hand. Standing back up, I turned his face over his shoulder to kiss me. At the same time, I hooked the tip of my finger inside his arse, and began a beckoning motion, my finger tugging the edge of his hole repeatedly. His body was beginning to shake and that was my cue to slip in a second finger. At the same time I could hear the slurps from the gloryhole. My friend's eyes were rolling back so far in his head, I thought he might faint. Once my second finger was deep, I began pulsing my thumb in and out, causing the two fingers to spread apart and stretch his hole further and further each time. Between my fingers, kisses, and the gloryhole, my friend became senseless and was not responding to my kisses. His eyes were glazed over and his jaw was hung open. None of the kisses were being reciprocated. Inside his mind, the lights were clearly out. I laughed. "You need to take a moment," I said. I slipped out my fingers and guided him away from the gloryhole. There was the sound of a person moving away quickly. I picked up the towels and handed my friend his. Before we left the gloryhole booth, a short bald man appeared at the booth opening - he'd been the one sucking through the hole. I shook my head, "Taking a break," I said. I led my friend past the disappointed bald man.

I didn't need to tug my friend's hand, he followed me like a lost dog. We turned a corner, out of sight of the bald man, next to where some private booths with mattresses were. My friend had come to his senses, and said "So, do you want to shower, or get a coffee?" I knew I had completely lied. I just didn't want the other man interfering. I was staring at the television screen above us, playing porn, and ignored the question for a while. My friend followed my gaze to the screen and watched it for a few seconds with me. "Break's over," I said. I pulled him in for a kiss and guided his body to the nearby private booth. He stumbled back onto the mattress and I latched the door.

I fucked him senseless for the next 4 hours and yes, we did break several times to shower and have coffee. I've fucked him many times since over several years. He still begs me for sex. He was the first of the men I began to collect who beg me to fuck them. It was a turning point in my life and the fulfillment of my sexual identity so I remember it very well. My life as a sub had ended that day, but the beast inside me was still growing and would surprise me further.

(More to come.)

This is my first time writing about my experiences. And yes, it is true and not altered at all (so what if I have writing standards too? lol. I know what crap experiences to skip past). Say hello if you like it. ;-)

ps Everyone in this post is over 18 years old, just to be clear.