My World

My world orbits in a small solar system. In childhood, I had three friends. As I entered adolescence, my family moved from a small town to the city of Houston where I had no friends among the thugs and slackers that comprised most of the student body of Junior High and High School. I worried daily about being attacked or even stabbed during school or on my walk home after. Looking back, it’s no surprise that I went off to college with no expectations of making any life-long friends.

During my teen years, I had no interest in either girls or boys. When I took a human sexuality course in college (it was supposed to be an easy ‘A’, and it fulfilled a biology requirement), I began to question whether I was asexual. My only real encounter was during a study session with another student named Dan. He was in my French class and my Intro to Aeronautics class. After about an hour of problem-solving, I got up to stretch and drink some water. He got very close to me and put his hand on my crotch. He asked whether I wanted to relax a bit and play around. He was a handsome guy and athletic, but I felt nothing. I apologized and told him I was celibate. We went back to studying.

After earning my master’s, I got a job in the Dallas-Fort Worth area, and I spent my days going to work, reading, watching TV, and using the gym at my apartment complex. The gym is where my world had a major shift in its orbit. The day, ordinary in most regards, neared middle evening. I had just finished a true crime novel and headed to the gym. I preferred going late because I could usually workout alone.  

My entrance into the gym and the beginning of the elliptical workout seemed rather dull. Five minutes into the routine, Clark Kent walked in and started his routine using the machine directly in front of me. I say Clark Kent because he looked like the actor that plays Superman in the movies. His well-defined chest, abs, arms, and legs were an inspiration. I found myself increasing speed; my gaze kept changing from his eyes to his crotch. My mind began to wonder what he looked like naked. He only had gym shorts on, so it wasn’t a stretch. He met my gaze once and smiled, but his focus was on himself, and after about fifteen minutes he left. The damage was already done. My dick was rock hard. I put the machine in cool down mode, and I practically ran back to my apartment.

To be perfectly honest, I had masturbated a total of 3 times in the past. I found the activity rather boring, although it did feel good when I ejaculated. I found the experience not worth the effort. But as soon as I got back to my apartment, I pulled my clothes off and jerked my cock with images of Clark Kent flooding my mind. I heard myself groan ‘shit’ and ‘fuck’ while my hand moved up and down. The orgasm at the end was like nothing I had thought possible. I actually sat down on the floor at the foot of my bed to allow my heart rate to return to normal.  

I showered and got in bed. In my head, I saw the man get up from his workout and come over to me. He began to touch me. I jerked off again. With a puddle of ejaculate on my chest, I began to feel drowsy. I rubbed the fluid around my chest and abs, and before I knew it, I was asleep.

The world turned into a different place overnight. I started to imagine that everyone knew what I had done. I looked at men and wondered whether they found me attractive. I drove myself crazy. I had no idea how to meet men, and I began to wonder if the rest of my life was doomed to loneliness.

I did an internet search on the best ways to meet guys like me. While it seemed that most guys were just looking for a hook-up, I did meet two men that I enjoyed chatting with. One of them seemed very easy to “talk” to, so I asked him if he’d rather text or talk on the phone. The other man disappeared after a few chat sessions. Anyway, after a week of texting, we went for it and talked to one another on the phone.

His name was Ryan. He told me he worked for a protection services company and his schedule varied. We had similar goals in life; we wanted to find one person with whom we would spend the rest of our time. He didn’t want to talk about his family. He did say that he had a brother in the area. My family had moved back to Nebraska; my sister had done so right after high school, and my parents went there while I was in college.

I wanted to meet Ryan in person. I had an image of him in my head, and before that image became him, I wanted to see what he looked like. Ryan wasn’t comfortable showing me his face, and that made me a little nervous. Was he hiding something? I knew he had not told anyone that he was gay, but then, I hadn’t either. It wasn’t anyone else’s business.

When the day arrived that Ryan told me he was ready to meet me, I was elated. I had already grown close to him emotionally. We had agreed that spending several days together away from jobs and the city would be a great way to determine our compatibility. While I was excited about seeing him for the first time, I was nervous that he wouldn’t like me in person. So with a touch of fear in my heart, I set out to see him at a local seafood restaurant where I had asked in advance for a booth in a quiet corner.

He was early and sitting on a bench near the door when I arrived. Was I disappointed? No to the power of infinity. Even from the car, I could tell that he was absolutely gorgeous. As I walked up, he stood, “Derrick?”

I smiled, and he returned the smile. “Yes, I’m Derrick.” I reached out to hug him. He hugged back. My cheek rubbed against his beautiful brown hair. It was bristly on the sides, but the top, as it was longer, was soft. He had a manly smell with a touch of cologne, not Old Spice, but similar. His body had the feeling of one who is athletic and muscular, but the hug was warm and comforting. I fell in love at that instant.

We went inside. I ordered seared scallops and Dungeness crab. He ordered fried crawfish and snow crab. We talked and talked and shared our meals. The lighting in the booth caught his emerald green eyes just perfectly. They sparkled at me the entire evening. He told me he was surprised at how handsome I was. My description of myself had made him think that I was an ordinary-looking guy. (I am an ordinary-looking guy.) I wondered if he was looking through the eyes of love. I’ve heard it can pervert one’s perception.

It was a perfect evening. Although I had told myself that I wouldn’t go any further than a kiss on the first day, by the end of the date, I was willing to let him do anything to me, and I have to admit that I wanted to feel myself inside him. As we paid the bill, I looked at him, and a tear fell from my eye.

“What’s the matter?” His voice was caring, filled with compassion.

“I’m just feeling so happy, but I know the evening is coming to an end.”

“I’m not working Monday evening. How about we have an early dinner?”

Another tear fell. “That’d be great,” I told him.

On Monday morning, an earthquake devastated my world. I received a text that devastated everything I had built up.

“Derrick, I’ve realized that I’m not ready for this. I can’t do this. I’m sorry. You’re a great guy.”

I stared at the screen. It had all been destroyed in just a few words.

Marcia ran over to my desk. “Oh, no. You’ve received bad news. They said they were going to let some of us go. Did you just get let go?”

“What?” I was in a daze.

“The merger. Do you know about the merger?”

I shook my head.

“They’re moving the company to Plano and joining with some other tech firm. Some of us are going to be let go.”

“Oh.” I pulled some papers from my inbox. I was thinking about suicide. I wasn’t sure whether it was a viable option. I felt like shit. My chest ached with real pain, a dull, stabbing pain. I wondered whether it was a heart attack. I hoped it was. “Engineer, 28, died of a broken heart. No news at eleven because no one gives a shit.”

I spent the rest of the day doing my work, except for the hour-long office meeting where we found out that the office was moving. There was indeed a merger. No one was losing employment. I searched for the location of the new office; it added an hour to my commute time. Of course, it did. I liked my current apartment.

Three months later, I was still alive. It was stupid of me to have reacted that way. I was in a new apartment only minutes from the new office. The challenges of work were more interesting and more aligned with my areas of expertise. I had not reentered any of the chat rooms. I still exercised in the evening when I could be alone. Sometimes when I was alone, the image of Ryan’s face would form in my mind, and I would tear up. I realized that his inability to start a relationship was not my fault. He thought he was ready, but he wasn’t. I’m glad he found out before rather than in the middle.

One of the biggest changes for me was becoming friends with the people next door to me. A couple about my age with two young children had moved in while waiting for their house to be built. The little boy, named Kevin, was five and an absolute delight to talk to. He was fascinated by vacuum cleaners and airplanes. His sister was almost 2 years younger; although her mother Janet told me she didn’t like anyone. Tammy took to me as though I were her best friend. She loved to have me hold her favorite stuffed bunny while she sat in my lap holding a baby doll with her head against my chest. I wasn’t looking forward to their leaving.

The children’s father Steve worked for the police department. As a detective, his hours were a little more regular than I had expected after watching true crime shows on TV. He was a pleasant man, a little more attractive than most with green eyes that reminded me of Ryan. I had it in my head that I was almost over Ryan. I had even tried to jerk off with some porn playing, but my mind would wander and Ryan’s face would appear before me. Maybe, once Steve and Janet move into their house, I would have time to heal. Or so I thought.

On one of those warm North Texas nights, a storm that was forecast to be just a thunderstorm turned into a monster. Several supercells had formed, and the rain and wind were relentless. I had gone to the gym, was drenched, and tried to exercise, but the light kept flickering. I gave up and was headed back to my apartment. I saw Steve leave his apartment and begin to bang on my door.

I tried to holler, but the wind carried my voice in the opposite direction. I sensed the urgency and ran quickly to his side. “What’s the matter?” I yelled once I was at his side.

“I need to take Janet to the ER. She’s bleeding, and it won’t stop.”

“I’ll come to take care of the kids.”

“Take to your place.” It was a directive, not a request. He was already walking back to their apartment. “I don’t want them to see the bathroom.”

“Not a problem.”

He hurried into the apartment and within seconds, he and Janet were out the door. I went in and found the children asleep in the bedroom. I turned off the light in the other rooms before waking the kids. The mess was more widespread than I could have imagined. After rousing them from their slumber, I had them gather a favorite toy. Carrying them out and back to my place was a slight challenge, but I managed without dropping a child or toy.

Tammy stirred slightly from the rain, but she fell quickly asleep once I had put her in my bed. Kevin, though, was wide awake and full of questions. I reassured him that everything was ok. “Your daddy took your mom to the doctor. She’s feeling sick. He didn’t want you to wait in the waiting room all by yourself when it was time to take your mom back into the little rooms.”

“So why are we here instead of at home? You could have watched us there.”

“That’s true,” I told him. “But I need to take my shower and put on regular clothes. I couldn’t do that at your house.”

He looked at me. I could see the wheels spinning in his head as he decided whether what I said made sense. “Well, what am I supposed to do while you’re taking your bath?”

“You can try to go to sleep, or you can watch a movie. I don’t have a lot of books, but you can look at them if you want.”

“Do you still have the Grinch movie? The one you said you liked better than the new one. You said I could watch it at Christmas.”

“I remember. Yes, I still have it.”

“Can I watch it now?”

“Of course.” I went to get it from the bookcase. I’d have about twenty minutes while he watched it, more than enough time. I put it on for him, retrieved a clean shirt, shorts, and underwear from my room, and went into the bathroom to get out of my wet clothes. I was showered and changed in under five minutes. Kevin was still glued to the TV when I came out.

“Enjoying it?” I asked.

He shushed me.

I wanted to make popcorn, but I knew that it would wake Tammy. I got out some graham crackers and broke them into four pieces. All but one broke on the perforation. I had some unopened lactose free milk, and I poured two glasses. As I turned to put away the milk, I spotted Tammi standing at the entrance to the kitchen.

“What is it, sweetie?”

“I want some milk, too.”

“OK.”

“But first I need to go potty.”

“Do you need my help?” I asked.

“No.”

My thought bubble said, “Then why the hell are you telling me instead of doing it?” But what I said was. “The bathroom’s right in there,” and I pointed.

“I need you to hold my hand so I don’t fall in.”

So I experienced my first ‘help someone go to the bathroom’. It’s overrated. When we came out of the bathroom, the Grinch was on it’s last few minutes.

Tammy jumped up next to Kevin. “Can I watch it, too.”

“It’s at the end. We’ll have to start it over. Can you start it over, Uncle Derrick?”

He’d never called me that before. He didn’t know it then, but I’d have done anything for him at that moment. ‘Uncle Derrick.’ What a sweet sound. I started the movie over, and the two of them sat glued to it. I watched with them.

I had tried to figure out what we’d watch after this in case they didn’t fall asleep, but at the end, Tammy wanted to see it again. So I watched it a second time. Kevin didn’t complain about its being this third time through. Tammy fell asleep, and as I put her to bed, the hail began. I’d let Kevin pick a movie from my limited collection. When I came back to the living room, he handed me ‘2001: A Space Odyssey’ and told me he had heard my phone beep.

I pondered telling him to pick something else, but the visuals were certainly beautiful in that movie, and maybe he would understand it better than I had. So I put it on. He studied the movie intently. My mouth fell open when he said, “They learned how to use that bone to get food.” Then he was quiet again.

A text message from Steve told me that Janet was doing OK and that the doctors were running tests. He also told me that his brother was getting off duty and would be stopping by. I texted back that the kids were fine. Tammy was sleeping, and Kevin was staying up past his bedtime to explain 2001 to me. A smiley face from Steve told me that he was in good spirits.

My eyes were beginning to glaze over when a knock at the door brought me to full attention. Kevin was still watching with eyes wide open. The kid amazed me. As I walked to the door, I could tell the person there was in uniform. I guess Steve’s brother is also a cop. I opened the door and stood in amazement.

The officer on my threshold was Ryan.