My Roommate's Toy Box

Lying there on my side with Alex, our bodies pressed together, I decide to take him up on his challenge. "I'm definitely strong enough to stop you," I tease. I would have gladly taken my own clothes off, but letting Alex do it for me certainly seems like more fun.

He feels my arm through the sleeve of my shirt, gently shaking his head. "With those tiny little muscles? I don't think so, roomie. I could pin you down so easily." He smirks, pecking me on the lips before rising up on the bed and forcing me to my back. He climbs on top of me, the globes of his huge hairy ass resting above my face as he holds my legs down with his arms. Alex pulls the shoes off my feet, quickly peeling my socks away too. He twists around, climbing in between my ankles and lowering his big frame down over me. "You're not even trying!" he says, grabbing my wrists and pinning them beside my head.

"Maybe you are too strong for me," I whisper, loving that he's on top of me like this. Seeing his arms bulging and feeling his hands against my skin, I can feel my dick stirring.

He lowers his face down to mine, softly kissing my lips. "Yeah, I already knew that!" He lets my wrists go, lifting his body away to grab at the bottom of my shirt, slowly pulling it up my torso.

I rise up to let him yank it off of me, sinking back into the mattress. "Better?" I ask with a smile. I can see his eight inch dick starting to fill out beneath his untamed bush.

"So much better," Alex answers, gliding his hands up my stomach to my chest. He pinches my nipples with his fingers and lowers down for another kiss, our lips parting. He hungrily presses his tongue into my mouth, softly moaning as we make out. When he lifts his head away, he shoots me a lustful look and starts to unzip my jeans, moving beside me so he can tear them down my legs. He takes my underwear with them, throwing the garments to the floor.

We're both completely naked now, both of our cocks hard, Alex positioning himself between my legs again and forcing them up into the air. He starts grinding his dick against my ass, his hands wrapping around my head as his beautiful brown eyes stare into me.

"You know what?" he whispers as he runs his fingers through my hair

"What?"

"I think I want to fuck you."

I laugh giddily, barely believing what I'm hearing.

"Dude, don't fucking laugh!" he says sternly like he's actually offended. "I'm serious!"

"Sorry, it's just hard to imagine you being the top!"

Alex smiles at me, still pressing his eight inches into my crack. "I may love taking it in the ass, but that doesn't mean I can't fuck too. I think I'm pretty damn good at it."

"Oh, are you?" I challenge.

He sticks a couple of his fingers into his mouth, staring down at me as he wets them with spit and rubs them against my hole. "You want me to prove it?"

My ass still feels a little sore after the last toy session, but his touch feels incredible. Alex had just admitted that he likes me for the first time ever, and now he wants to fuck me. How could I say no? I want to feel his big dick inside me more than anything in the world. "Get the lube," I say.

Alex grins, letting my legs down and jumping off the bed. He pulls the bottle out of his dresser drawer, taking a step toward me and pausing. He turns around and walks toward his own bed.

For a second I'm worried he's changed his mind about fucking me, but then I see him bending down and reaching for his toy box. "I really can't handle anything bigger than your dick right now," I warn as I watch Alex rummage through the box. I don't have a clue what he's thinking.

My roommate stands up and twists around, a medium size plug in hand. "Who says it's for you?" Walking back over to my bed, he squirts lube all over the toy, planting one of his feet on my mattress. Alex closes his eyes, gritting his teeth and moaning as he shoves the plug into his hole. "Just for a little extra...stimulation," he says as his eyes flutter open. He climbs back into my bed, pushing my legs up into the air again as he slides his body back between them.

"Start slow," I murmur.

Alex pours lube into his fingers, gently rubbing them against my hole. He slowly slips one of his fingertips inside.

I gasp at even that slight penetration, my insides still insanely sensitive after being battered the night before.

"I won't be disappointed if you can't take it like I can," Alex teases, slowly driving his finger deeper.

"I can take it. I can take anything." He adds a second finger and I instantly start moaning, feeling like I'm already stretched to my limit.

Alex squeezes more lube out on his dick, tossing the bottle aside and starting to stroke it with his free hand. "You sure about that?"

"I'm sure." For him, I really could take anything. I'd already proven that.

He withdraws his fingers, pressing the head of his dick against my hole. "Here we go." Alex looks into my eyes and pushes into me, the head of his rock hard cock sinking inside.

I groan at the girth, my hole burning. I know I just need a little time to adjust.

"You want me to take it out?" Alex whispers, seeing the struggle on my face.

There's no way I'm letting that happen. He's inside of me for the first time ever and I never want him to leave. "Just hold it there for a minute."

"God, you already feel so fucking tight," he hisses. "No wonder guys always want anal."

"Wait, you've never done it before?" Knowing how kinky he is, I'd always just assumed that he'd fucked a girl in the ass at some point.

Alex cracks a smile. "I mean, I probably would have just gotten jealous about it. Why do you think I put the plug in?"

The discomfort has already been fading, but now I feel my ass magically relaxing. I want this to be the best sex my roommate's ever had in his life. "I'm good now," I say, nodding my head.

He sinks the rest of his length into me in one slow stroke, my insides easily stretching open for his big cock. "Fuck!" I groan as his pubes come to rest against my skin.

"Oh my god, dude!" Alex says like he's already mesmerized. "You feel fucking incredible!"

"You feel incredible," I whisper back. I know I'm totally open, ready for my roommate to unleash.

He wraps his hands under my knees, starting to tenderly buck into me. His whole face is already awash in pleasure, like no hole has ever felt this good before.

I'm beaming seeing that look on his face, my roommate quickly starting to fuck me harder. Every stroke is more blissful than the last, my moaning uncontrollable as his girthy eight inches scrape against my prostate. "Yeah, Alex," I pant. "Fucking use my hole!"

He smirks up above me, moving his hands down to the bed and lowering his toned body over me, his face just inches away from mine. He starts pummeling my hole viciously, responding to my ecstatic moans by slamming it even harder.

"Just like that, Alex," I plead, my hole offering no resistance at all as he hammers in and out. "Oh my god, Alex!" I want to touch my dick more than anything, but the pleasure is so intense I know I'll explode in an instant.

He raises one of his hands up and roughly slaps my cheek, making me gasp. "You're not going to laugh the next time I say I want to fuck you, are you?" he growls.

"No!" I groan, his eight inches still mercilessly sawing into me. "Fuck me like this every day!"

Alex wraps his hands around my head again and plunges his tongue into my mouth, drops of his sweat hitting my face as he devours me. He's plunging his cock as deep as it can possibly go inside me, groaning as we ravenously make out.

When he pulls away, I reach my hands to my roommate's chest, starting to squeeze his nipples as he reams me. I twist Alex's silver piercings with my fingers, his eyes going wild.

"Oh fuck yeah, Tyler! Do that really fucking hard!" His eyes shut as I work my fingers on his nipples, his mouth gaping open. "Fuck yeah!" he shouts, ruthlessly bucking into me. "That feels so fucking good!"

Seeing Alex's ecstasy, I can't resist touching my dick any longer. With one hand still on his chest, I navigate the other between our bodies and grasp my raging shaft. The head of my cock is completely slick with precum as I begin to stroke

"Oh shit, I can feel you jerking off," Alex pants. "Your hole is clamping down on my dick. That's going to going to make me fucking cum."

"Cum with me," I plead, struggling to keep myself from veering over the edge.

His thrusts are suddenly even more powerful, his balls loudly slapping against my skin as he probes my butt as deeply as he can. His breathing grows more and more labored until his eyes find mine. "I'm going to fucking cum inside you!"

"Cum inside me!" I whimper. "Fill me up with your cum!"

"Fuck! Fuck, Tyler! I'm cumming!" Alex buries his length to the hilt, his pace slowing as he starts to howl at the top of his lungs.

"Me too!" I can feel jets of his seed still squirting into me as my cock erupts against my stomach, moans pouring out of me as orgasmic pleasure swarms through every part of my body. When the bliss finally retreats, all I can hear is my roommate gasping for air above me. Looking into his eyes, I know he's deliriously satisfied. "Wow," I whisper.

"Fucking wow," he murmurs. "That was seriously amazing. I told you I'm a good top!" Alex cracks a smile, but he winces as he starts to pull out of my hole, groaning as his big dick finally slips out. He takes a deep breath and smiles again, climbing out from between my legs and slumping down next to me.

Just knowing that my roommate's cum is inside me, I could easily shoot another load. I'd been fantasizing about this since I'd first seen him, and now we'd finally made it happen.

"We could have been doing that all semester?" Alex jokes, reaching for my hand locking our fingers together.

"I wish!" Lying next to his warm body in the little bed, his seed buried in my ass and our hands grasped together, I feel like he's mine.

"Good thing we still have plenty of opportunities," Alex says.

My roommate seems completely exhausted, like he's already on the verge of passing out. "You know you still have that plug in your ass, right?" I whisper.

Alex snickers. "You think I can't feel it up there right now? Who knows, maybe I'll just sleep with it in tonight."

***

"Are you going home on Tuesday or Wednesday?" Alex randomly asked while I was working on a homework assignment the next day.

For a moment, I didn't even know what he was talking about. Then it dawned on me: Thanksgiving was just a few days away. "I'm not even sure," I answered, looking back at him from my desk. "I haven't talked to my parents about it yet." My mom had actually called the night before, but I still hadn't gotten back to her.

"Oh yeah, they have to come pick you up, don't they? Dude, even if all my professors do cancel class on Wednesday, I'm probably not driving back until that night."

"You're not looking forward to going home?"

Alex laughed from his bed. "Fuck no! Why would I be looking forward to that? My dad always has the whole week off, and that means he'll have infinite time to grill me."

I looked at my roommate again, shaking my head. "That really sucks. But who cares what he thinks?"

"I sure fucking don't," Alex muttered. "But he's going to waste his breath telling me anyway. I totally should have gotten that new tattoo."

I imagined him proudly showing it off just to watch his dad's blood boil. "Why didn't you get it yet?"

"Because I bought that massive motherfucking dildo with his money instead!" he said like he was proud. "Oh well, no regrets about that one."

Trying to focus on my assignment, I didn't say anything else. I never knew what to say to Alex about his dad. My parents probably wouldn't approve of my life either if they knew anything about it, but they never tried to pry.

"You know, I'm really going to miss you, roomie," Alex said pensively. "I've seen you every single day since, what, August?"

That's when my fingers finally froze. Seeing my parents for the first time since the semester had started would be nice, but it also meant spending almost an entire week away from Alex. I'd grown so used to him that it was difficult to imagine myself existing without his constant presence.

"Damn, you're not even going to miss me?" he asked, breaking into my thoughts.

My homework suddenly didn't seem that important. I pushed my laptop screen down, standing up and looking into his beautiful brown eyes. "Of course I will."

Alex smiled from his bed and slid his body toward the wall, turning onto his side and opening his arms. "Come cuddle then, man," he invited. "You know you're going to miss me!"

***

We were both too used up from our antics in the preceding days to do anything more than that before I left. Well, aside from jerking off, making out, and a couple shower blowjobs.

My parents wound up picking me up from campus on Tuesday night, Alex hugging me goodbye and pecking me on the lips before I picked up my suitcase and walked down to the parking lot. Driving further and further away from the university, all I could think about was that I was growing more and more distant from him. I tried keeping up with the conversation in the car, my parents eager to catch up on everything after months without me as a constant fixture in their home, but it was a struggle. My heart was still in that tiny little dorm room, all my thoughts fixated on my roommate. I told my mom and dad a lot about Alex, managing not to admit exactly how close we were. I knew I'd have to cross that bridge eventually, but we weren't officially together yet.

Sitting in that car watching an endless panorama of fields and forests, I wondered about that. How close were we now? He'd complained that he wasn't interested in his dating apps anymore, ever since we'd started fooling around, and we'd been more physically intimate than ever as the weeks passed. I thought about the last time we'd fought, when I'd forced an ultimatum and he'd refused to let me go. I knew it was way too soon to have a serious conversation about it, but I felt like he was mine. All the formalities were just a stretch of personal growth away.

The whole holiday was a blur. I texted Alex every single day that I was away, desperately hoping to hear from him and constantly checking my phone, but he never wrote much. I tried to call him once but he ignored it. I knew he was probably busy, or just suffering listening to whatever his dad had to say. I wanted to be there for him, but what else could I do? I'd tried to reach out.

Driving back to the university on Sunday, all I could think about was seeing Alex. I watched the signs on the interstate intently, mentally counting down the number of miles left back to campus every time I saw one. When my parents hugged me goodbye in front of the dorm, it definitely wasn't a tearful parting. I bounded away, walking as quickly as I could back to our room. Was he even back yet? Unlocking the door, I hoped more than anything that I'd see him there waiting for me.

"Hey roomie," Alex greeted from his bed as I walked in, letting his phone hit the mattress. "Welcome back!"

I shut the door and set my suitcase down, my roommate standing up and walking toward me. He was wearing a shirt and a pair of mesh athletic shorts, but I realized he might have just gotten back too. I hugged him, wrapping my arms tightly around his body. Being next to Alex again, I felt like I was at total peace. He felt so unbelievably good. I looked up at him, my eyes pleading for a kiss, but he just smiled at me.

"I missed you too, man," he said, pulling me into his body. "Can you even believe we only have a few weeks left until winter break?"

That was the last thing I wanted to think about right now. The room had started to feel like home, Alex like my family. "Don't even remind me."

He chuckled. "Sorry." He let go and sauntered back to his bed.

I stripped down as I unpacked my suitcase, making a show of pulling my underwear off, but Alex barely seemed to notice. "What happened to the rules?" I asked, approaching him and playfully tugging at his shirt.

My roommate looked up from his phone, shrugging his shoulders. "It's gotten a bit colder since we left, don't you think? There's literally snow out there right now."

"Yeah, I guess that's true." I could already tell something wasn't right. The room felt warm as hell to me, and Alex wasn't one to shy away from showing off. Maybe he just wanted to decompress after spending that much time with his parents? Or maybe he was just dreading the fact that he'd be back so soon for Christmas. That was one of the first things he mentioned after I'd walked through the door.

Climbing into my bed, I felt weird about being naked while Alex was fully clothed. I pulled a sheet up over myself, expecting him to start talking at any moment. But my roommate didn't say anything, just staring at his phone. Why wasn't he over here? Why wasn't I over there ripping his clothes off? Why weren't we desperately trying to fuck each other right now? We were in two completely different places, and I knew I wasn't imagining it.

Something must have happened while he was gone for Thanksgiving. Was that why he'd barely bothered to text me back and ignored my call? I was across the room from Alex, but I felt like I might as well still be home with my parents. I looked over at him, but he obviously wasn't the least bit interested in me right now. How did that make any sense? He'd kissed me goodbye the day I left. I could try to force him to talk, but I knew the last thing he probably wanted right now was to be berated. I resigned myself to waiting for a better time.

After a few days, things still weren't back to normal. Alex had still been friendly, even if relatively quiet, but he seemed totally distant. We hadn't jerked off together since before we left for break, and he hadn't shown me any kind of physical affection aside from that hug when I'd returned to the room. We didn't talk about anything sexual at all. I chalked it up to him just not being in the mood for a few days after his stint at home, but eventually my patience ran out.

"What's going on with you?" I asked on my fourth day of seeing him settle into his bed completely clothed. "You haven't been yourself at all since you came back from Thanksgiving."

He stared at the wall before he looked at me, slowly nodding his head. "I know, roomie. Don't worry, it's not your fault."

"Well, you can still talk to me about it," I pressed.

Alex didn't say anything, just staring straight ahead.

"Why do you always do this? Come on, don't make me pry it out of you."

He sighed. "Alright, fine," Alex muttered. "It's just my fucking dad. Three whole days of hounding me about absolutely everything. Why aren't your grades better? Why don't you have a girlfriend yet? Oh look, my doctor gave me this brochure about laser tattoo removal. I'd be happy to pay for it!"

"Three days?" I'd been gone for five.

"Yeah, I actually drove back on Friday night," Alex said. "I had to get the fuck out of there. And of course, that pissed him off too. You're going to make your mom cry if you leave this early. Do you like making your mom cry, Alex? Why are you such a fuck up? Why do you always disappoint everyone? Why can't you do anything right? I can't get his damn voice out of my head."

I shot him a sympathetic glance. "That's awful. I'm sorry."

He rolled his eyes and shook his head. "I'd say I'm used to it, but I'm only used to it getting slowly doled out over time. Not three nonstop days of unleashing on me and criticizing everything about my life. He's such a fucking old conservative prude."

I allowed that to hang in the air for a few moments. "You should have told him about the stuff we get up to," I joked.

A slight smile spread across Alex's face. "His reaction would be priceless! But yeah, he's also one of those super religious nutjobs. I'm sure he would also completely and totally disown me if he ever knew about any of that stuff. He fucking loves to rant about how the gays and perverts are completely destroying society."

I'd known my roommate's dad was an asshole since our first night in the dorm together, but hearing about how he'd spent his holiday, everything suddenly made more sense to me. "Well, fuck him."

Alex clicked his tongue. "Unfortunately, I can't just ignore his phone calls when he's standing right in front of me. The fucking douche really knows how to get to me. Let's just say I'm definitely not the least bit excited about Christmas. He's going to flip his shit all over again and I'll be fucking trapped there."

"Trapped?" I asked.

He nodded. "The dorm doesn't even reopen until what, a week before the semester starts? I can't just drive away next time. I won't have anywhere to go."

We were going to be apart for at least two whole weeks. Even with Alex being glum and distant, the prospect was agonizing. "You can always call me if you want to vent," I offered. "I'll be bored as hell being home for that long."

"I might actually have to take you up on that. I'll probably be going crazy."

"Yeah. Plus it would be really nice to hear your voice after that much time apart."

Alex glanced at me, quickly turning his head away. "Yeah," he mumbled.

I hated seeing him moody. "What can I do to make you feel better? You want to cuddle?"

"Not tonight," he dismissed. "I just want to sit here relaxing."

That's all he'd done since I'd come back. Why didn't he want to be close to me anymore? I couldn't understand. Had a few days with his dad really messed him up that much? I felt like I was the one person who could make him feel better, but he wasn't letting me. I didn't know what else I could do.

***

My stomach starts rumbling within seconds after submitting a paper. "You want to go get dinner?" I ask Alex from my desk. I'm already dressed to walk out the door, since being the only naked one in the room had quickly gotten weird.

"No, I'm good," he answers. "I already have plans with someone for tonight."

The way he'd phrased it, I know something is up. When he was hanging out with someone he knew, he would always say their name or at least call them a friend. Someone is so incredibly vague. I glance back at him. "You're meeting up with someone?"

"Yeah," he mutters.

"Like...someone you know?" I press.

Alex glares at me before his gaze shifts back to his phone. "Do I have to tell you exactly what I'm doing every time I hang out with someone else?"

"I guess not," I say, staring at my laptop's screen. My worst fear starts to creep up. "Is it a girl?"

He sighs from across the room. "Why, would that be a problem?"

My roommate's hostility says everything. "So you're going on, like, a date with a girl?"

"Dude, why are you fucking interrogating me about it?" Alex asks, sounding pissed off.

Apparently my roommate was back on the dating apps. I'm screaming inside. Is he going to kiss her? Is he going to do more than kiss her? Why? He has me! Why doesn't he want to kiss me right now? Why hasn't he wanted to touch me at all since Thanksgiving? "Are you guys going to..." I can't even get the words out of my mouth.

"Going to what?" he sneers. "I probably won't even like her. We're just meeting up."

I know he wants me to shut up and leave him alone, but I'm not going to cower and pretend that I'm completely fine with him seeing someone else. I look over at him again. "I thought you liked me."

Alex loudly sighs again, our eyes briefly meeting. "I do like you. But we're friends, man," he says, his voice low and disturbingly serious. "We're not, like...a monogamous couple. I can hang out with other people and you can hang out with other people too."

I thought we were more than friends, even if it hasn't seemed that way lately. "Yeah," I force myself to mumble, turning my head away. "You're right, we're not a couple." Nevermind how much we act like we are a couple sometimes. Or acted, anyway. Nevermind that we're both really happy when we do it.

My roommate doesn't say anything else. When I peek at him, he's just blankly staring at his phone.

I know I can't leave it there. I have to confront him. I stand up and walk into the space between our beds. "I've been trying to give you your space since Thanksgiving, but I don't understand what changed, Alex. You haven't seemed the least bit interested in me since you came back, and now you're going on a date with a girl? How am I supposed to feel about that?"

"I just haven't been in the mood lately," he mutters. "I haven't even been jerking off."

"And what?" I ask angrily. "You will be for her?"

Alex crosses his arms over his chest and glances at me. "I don't know, dude. Maybe? Why are you making such a big fucking deal out of it?"

"Because you mean something to me!" I roar. "I just thought..." I look away and shake my head. Do I even want to tell him?

"You thought what?"

My whole body is tingling and I feel light-headed. "Alex," I start, my voice cracking as I gaze at his face again, "is there any chance you're ever going to want to be with me or were we always just fooling around?"

His expression turns deadly serious. "To be with you? Are you saying...is that what you want? You want us to be together? Like, dating?"

My roommate asks me the questions like he's never even considered the idea. I feel my heart sinking. "Is that not an option?" I ask.

"I mean it when I say I'm into girls," Alex says aggressively. "You know I'm still trying to explore that. How could I ever do it if we were dating, man? Like, you and me, I've never thought of that as being exclusive. We've never talked about that before."

"Obviously," I mutter. I'm such a fucking idiot for thinking everything was finally going to magically fall into place.

He takes a deep breath and picks up his phone again. "I like you and I love fooling around with you, man. Seriously, you know I do." Alex shakes his head. "I just don't know if I can see it as more than that. I can't imagine, like...dating another dude." He loudly clears his throat and he's quiet for a few moments. "That would make us, you know...you know..."

"Boyfriends," I say flatly.

"Yeah. That. I just can't see myself ever doing that, honestly."

Watching him embrace being bi, exploring absolutely everything with me, telling me that he liked me, I just assumed that's what we were destined to be. I figured he was on the same page, even if we hadn't actually talked about it. But there's no hope? No possibility? Why did I let myself fall in love with him? I crawl into my bed, turning away from Alex as tears stream down my cheeks. I'm struggling not to make a sound, not wanting him to hear me crying. The last thing I need is for him to walk across the room trying to comfort me after he'd just broken my heart. He's my roommate, my best friend, the guy I've been more intimate with than anyone else in my life, and he's telling me that I'll never be enough, that he'll always need someone else. What's the point of challenging him? I'm tired of fighting. I love him, but he'll only ever love me as a friend. That's all he wants to be. I'm ready to get off the roller coaster. This isn't worth it anymore.

"I'm sorry, Tyler," Alex adds after a minute of total silence.

"I'm sorry too," I whisper, trying to sound as emotionless as I possibly can. This is it. This is the end. I'm too emotionally invested to hear that there's no future and accept it. I'll go insane worrying about what he might be doing with other people. Alex and I are done. We're finally done.

I can't be here right now. I keep thinking it over and over again. I don't want to be in this room. I don't want to watch him getting ready for his date. I crawl out of my bed, stepping toward my dresser.

"Are you mad?" Alex asks, his tone more gentle.

I don't bother to answer, grabbing my wallet and keys. I hear my roommate's feet hit the floor, turning to see him walking up to me. He tries to wrap an arm behind me, but I bat it away, not looking at his face. "I'm just going to sit somewhere else and think for awhile," I mumble.

"Come on, roomie," Alex protests beside me. "Obviously we need to talk about this. You always want to make me talk, so can't we talk? Where are you going?"

I look him in the eyes. "I'll be back later," I answer, stepping away to put on my shoes.

"Come on, Tyler! You always fucking want to make me talk, so talk to me!"

"We did talk, Alex," I say calmly to the door as I tie my sneakers. "What else is there left to say?"

"Obviously something, or else you wouldn't be running away right now."

I'm running away? Alex is the one who'd just destroyed everything. I feel enraged as I stand up and face my roommate again, our gazes meeting. "I'm sick of you fucking using me!" I shout at him. "I'm sick of you fucking hurting me! And I'm not going to wait around forever hoping you'll change your mind! I can't fucking do this with you anymore, Alex!" I turn around and punch the door so hard my hand hurts, sighing as I shake my head. "I can't! I'm done! I'm fucking done with you. I'm changing rooms when the new semester starts, and then you can do whatever the fuck you want."

He doesn't utter another word as I walk out, and I don't bother to look back. I don't even care if I hurt his feelings. All he's ever done is hurt mine. Why did I keep constantly crawling back thinking anything was ever going to change? If Alex felt anything at all listening to me just now, he didn't care enough to clue me in. What else is new? Hearing the door shut, I feel like a whole chapter of my life has suddenly come to a close.

I have no idea where I'm going. The lounge? That sure seems fitting. I wander there, the place completely deserted as I settle into the same couch I'd sat on when I first chanced upon Alex riding one of his massive toys. My life had definitely played out in a way I'd never expected when I was first nervously sitting here, terrified to face my roommate again. Maybe someday, he'll actually be comfortable with who he is and what he likes; maybe he won't need to keep dating girls when he's already happy; maybe he won't find the idea of having a boyfriend so horribly unimaginable. But I can't be the one constantly pushing him around on training wheels. I can't spend the rest of the year yearning to be closer to him if it's utterly hopeless. I have to stop fantasizing and finally put myself first.

I'm not a fucking convenience here to satisfy Alex's lust and need for intimacy until he finds someone he likes better. I know he cares about me, but he doesn't care enough. I'm just horny, available, and willing to put up with his endless stream of bullshit. And that's it. He doesn't want to date me. He'll never want to date me. We're done.

All I want right now is to be wanted by someone who's unapologetically gay and not conflicted about it all. I open Grindr for the first time since I'd last sat in this lounge. We're not a couple. We're not exclusive. If he meets the right woman, he'll have her stuffing his ass. Why should I wait around for something that's never going to happen? I've been denying myself action all year because of Alex but my inbox is overflowing with old messages. I'm not waiting for him. I don't need him. I need a guy who knows exactly what he wants.

Within a minute I already have a fresh message. Opening my inbox and clicking on the profile, he's a 20-year-old with a cute face openly displayed. And he's a mere 200 feet away.

You looking?

He's not as attractive to me as Alex is, but has anyone else ever been? The more I stare at his picture, the cuter he seems, and his profile says he's a top. As the minutes pass, the desire to just bend over and get reamed by someone who isn't Alex overwhelms me.

I need to get fucked, I write back.

You in Graham? he asks. My roommate is at his gf's place for the night. So fucking horny.

The situation is way too perfect: this guy is in the building, his room available, and he wants to fuck me right now. But I'm still hesitating to reply. I can't stop thinking about Alex. Why do I feel so guilty? He just admitted that we're not on the same page at all. We're not a couple. We're not monogamous. I can hang out with other people and you can hang out with other people too...you and me, I've never thought of that as being exclusive. If he meets the right girl, he'll throw me away in an instant. Maybe he's doing it right fucking now! Why am I holding back? I stare at the thread, my fingers hovering over the keyboard on my phone. Fuck it. Fuck Alex.

Yeah I'm in Graham. What room? I can be there in 20 or 30 mins.

Graham 514, he answers. I'll try not to bust.

Thank god for the credit card slot on the vending machine in the lounge. I buy two bottles of water and head for the bathroom, not even caring that I'm openly holding them in my hands and don't have a towel. I strip down and turn the water on in one of the shower stalls, drawing on everything Alex had taught me, preparing myself to meet the random guy in 514. The whole process is miraculously a breeze. I use my hands to fling as much water off of my body as I can before I put my clothes back on, depositing the bottles into a trash can. I look at myself in the mirror, taking a deep breath. Fuck Alex. I deserve better. I deserve to be wanted. I leave the bathroom and head toward the stairwell, climbing up to the fifth floor and finding room 514. I gently knock on the door.

A mattress squeaks, footsteps hitting the ground and pressing toward me, the door unlocking and slowly opening. The 20-year-old Grindr guy is standing on the other side looking me up and down, smiling as he takes me in. "Hey," he says, swinging the door wide open. "You want to come in?"

I smile back at him. "Yeah," I answer, walking into his room. The lights are off except for a small lamp on one of the desks, pop music quietly playing in the background. A few paces into the stranger's dorm room, I stop, realizing that it's identical to the one I share with Alex, the same window against the wall, the same twin beds beside it, identical furniture mirrored across the space. Knowing that my roommate might still be three floors beneath us right now wondering where I am, I doubt myself for a second.

"Your pictures don't do you justice," the guy whispers into my ear. He's standing behind me, wrapping his arms around my body and enveloping me, his hands feeling up my stomach to my chest as he laps his tongue against my ear. "You're really fucking cute."

His touch alleviates my concerns, the guy's hands grazing underneath my shirt, his fingers caressing my skin as he kisses my neck. He turns me around, his lips lunging toward mine, but I move my face away. "Can we just fuck?" I ask. "I really need to get fucked."

"You don't like kissing?" he asks. "Or do you have a boyfriend or something? I'm not going to tell him."

A boyfriend is something I definitely don't have. "Just fuck me," I beg. "I need to get fucked."

The guy grins, pushing me toward his bed. "Take those clothes off and show me how you want to take it then."

I pull my shorts and underwear down, leaving my shirt, not wanting to be completely naked and vulnerable around a total stranger even if I was begging him to shove his dick in my ass. I plant myself on my hands and knees in his bed, not even wanting to see his face as he rails me.

"That's a really nice ass," the guy growls, the mattress shaking as he climbs up behind me and slaps his dick against my hole. "You need lube?"

"Just spit on it," I answer. Alex had trained me to be good at this, so I might as well take full advantage. I hear him spitting into his hand, rubbing it all over his dick.

"You ready?" he asks.

"Fuck me," I plead, feeling the guy's hard dick plunge into my ass a second later. He's way too eager, way too aggressive, but I don't even care. We're not a couple. We're not monogamous. We're both free to meet other people. "Yeah," I moan, the guy starting to stroke in and out of me. "Fuck my ass!"

He slaps my butt hard with both his hands. "Fucking slut," he grunts.

The stranger pounds me for five minutes, and after he's busted his load inside me, his dick withdrawing, I lift up intending to flee the room. But the guy wraps his arms around me, kissing my neck as he presses his torso against my back.

"You want to go again?" he invites. "Just give me a few minutes and I can do it. I'm still so fucking horny."

His hands are lecherously gliding up and down my chest, and I feel wanted. At that moment it's the only thing I'm craving, and I can't say no. I wind up being in Graham 514 for a solid hour, the stranger shooting his load into my ass five times. I feel like I'm cheating on Alex every time he coaxes me to stay, promising me more, but I relent as soon as the random guy touches me again. How could I be cheating on Alex? We're just friends. Just roommates. We can both hang out with other people.

He's panting above me after his last cum shot, his hands still gripped around my ankles, the guy grunting as he pulls his cock from my hole. "Now I'm seriously spent," he says. "But that was hot as fuck."

"Yeah," I mumble back, leaping out of his bed. I'm completely drenched in sweat, my shirt soaked, but I quickly throw the rest of my clothes back on.

"Your roommate gone a lot?" the guy asks as I start toward the door.

I wince. "Not really."

"Fucking roommates," he mutters. "Well, I'll hit you up the next time mine is gone?"

The guy in Graham 514 is definitely a good fuck, but he isn't Alex. "Yeah, sure," I say as I'm reaching for the door knob. I fling the door open and catapult myself out of the room, feeling tempted to take another shower as I climb the stairs down to our floor. I'm satisfied and disgusted with myself at the time. I don't want Alex to know what happened if he's there, but maybe I actually do. Maybe I want him to know exactly what happened. Maybe I want him to smell another man on me. We're just friends, just fooling around, so why should I feel the least bit guilty walking into our room with five loads of some random guy's seed buried up my ass?

I open our door, seeing that Alex is lying in his bed. He immediately stands up, naked except for a pair of boxers for the first time since Thanksgiving. I can barely believe my eyes.

"Hey," he says softly.

My legs suddenly feel like lead. I can't even look at his face right now. "Hey. Uh, how was your date?" I whisper. I want to burst into tears.

"I didn't go, dude. You didn't read my texts? Where were you?"

"You didn't go?" That's the only thing I process at first. "Oh, you texted me?" He must have done it after I'd made arrangements with the guy in Graham 514 and stuffed my phone into my pocket. I haven't even glanced at it since then. He didn't go. Oh my god, he didn't even go.

"Are you okay?" Alex asks. "You're pale as a ghost and you look like you're about to hurl."

He starts toward me and I panic. "Just stay away from me right now, Alex," I call. "Just leave me alone tonight." I want to run out the door to the shower, but I can't even move. My roommate looks so worried. Overwhelming guilt washes over me. He didn't even go! But why should I feel guilty? I didn't do anything wrong. Alex and I are done. Oh my god, he's about to hug me. I can't stop him, Alex wrapping his arms around my body.

"I'm sorry," he whispers into my ear. "You were totally right. You were totally right about everything. I'm a fucking asshole." He sniffs the air and I know the game is up. "You smell kind of rank," he says as he lets me go. "Were you running or something?"

I look into his eyes and lose it. My whole body is shaking as tears stream down my cheeks. He looks so fucking concerned and I hate him in that moment. Now he cares? Is that what he texted me? That I was right? That he's an asshole? Is that why he didn't go? I start sobbing uncontrollably and Alex just seems confused. I sniffle hard and wipe my face. "I had sex with someone," I admit, my voice quavering.

He opens his mouth but no words come out. I can see the pain in my roommate's eyes, every feature of his face wrought with devastation. "You didn't read my texts," Alex finally says dejectedly.

I slowly shake my head, another round of tears pouring down my face.

"It was just a stupid date," he mumbles, betrayal obvious in his eyes. "Nothing was even going to happen."

He has no right to act like I did something wrong. Anger surges up over my remorse and I lose it. "We're friends," I snap. "We're not a monogamous couple. I've never thought of this as exclusive." I'm more emotionally raw than I've ever been, but parroting Alex's words back at him assuages my guilt.

He sighs loudly, staring down at the floor. "Yeah, you got me, Tyler," Alex says. "You totally fucking got me. I really hate that you were with someone else. I wish you would have read the texts."

I shrug as he slowly looks at me again. "Well, I didn't. I have no idea what you said."

His eyes are so depressingly sad. "I thought I would be cool with you being with someone else," he mutters. "But I'm definitely not. I'm pissed and I'm jealous as hell."

He's pissed? It's all his fault! That just makes me want to dig the knife deeper. "You're pissed and jealous?" I say incredulously. "Why? We're friends. We're not a couple. We're not--"

"Please just fucking stop," Alex interrupts, covering his eyes with one of his hands. "God, I already said you were right, man. Just fucking stop that shit."

I'd never seen him cry once in the time we've lived together, but within seconds I could hear him sobbing. How could I not feel bad? "Alex..."

"Don't leave," he pleads, sniffling behind his hand. "Please don't leave. I'm sorry I'm so fucking stupid sometimes. I don't want you to leave."

Wrapping my arms around my roommate's body, I could hear him crying even harder. I start to spill more of my own tears, my mouth quivering.

He lets his hand down, embracing me too, pulling me tightly into his body. "You mean so much to me," he whispers. "I'll do anything. Please don't leave."

Holding him as he cries, he's not the perfect man I could barely believe was a freshman when I first sighted him in the room. He's a terrified little boy, completely broken and holding nothing back. I know I still love him. Maybe I always will.

"Please say something," Alex begs. "You're killing me."

I let him go so I can look into his brown eyes. I've never seen him so emotional. "I'm sorry."

He nods. "You're not really going to move out, are you?" he asks like he's terrified of the possibility. "I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at myself. I'm lucky you've put up with me as much as you have."

I'm completely exhausted from the weight of everything that's transpired already, finally feeling like I can move again. "Can we sit down?"

Alex looks sullen as I stride the few steps to my bed, sitting on the edge of it. He settles next to me, as close as he can be without actually touching me. "Why do you put up with me anyway?" he wonders.

"I've always thought you were worth it, I guess," I say softly.

He resolutely shakes his head. "I'm not. I'm clearly fucking not. It's only a matter of time until you figure it out too."

I'm appalled. "How can you say that? No one's ever made me feel the way you do, Alex," I whisper. I reach my hand out and start gently stroking his thigh.

"Same, honestly. I don't know why that makes me want to burn shit to the ground." He sighs, rubbing his hand all over his face. "Or maybe I do. If I keep letting you get closer, you're going to realize how fucked up I am. You're not going to want anything to do with me."

"What are you talking about?" I ask, letting my hand rest on his thigh. "You're not fucked up. You're the most amazing person I've ever met."

He inhales deeply and shakes his head. "No, I have issues. Clearly."

I try to look Alex in the eyes but he's just staring straight ahead. "Everyone has issues."

"Not like mine," he mumbles. "You're way too good for me, man. I would just drag you down. That's all I do. I'm a fucking worthless piece of shit." More tears stream down his face.

I feel like I know exactly where his feelings are coming from. "Is this all about your dad?" I ask. Hearing the way he's been talking about himself, I realize Alex must have serious self-esteem issues. As confident and charismatic as he is, always willing to say or do anything, it's something I never would have expected.

He looks at me like I'd just ripped a band-aid off. "Well, when you hear about how horrible you are often enough...yeah, it's pretty damn easy to believe it," he mutters.

I wrap my arm around my roommate's shoulders and pull his body into mine. "He's emotionally abusive, Alex. You can't listen to him. I've been living with you for months. I know who you really are. You're a great roommate and the best friend I've ever had in my life."

Alex covers his eyes again, more tears streaming down his cheeks. "I really want to believe that," he whispers.

"You are! You're an incredible person!"

He swallows hard beside me, his fingers scraping across his eyes. "But I do drag you down," he says. "I know I've done it."

"The only thing you've ever done to drag me down is push me away. That's it. All I've ever wanted is to be closer to you, but you won't let me."

He lets his hand down, grabbing mine and lacing our fingers together. He twists his head and stares into me. "Do you still want to be my boyfriend?" he asks.

My heart flutters. "Of course I do. But you said--"

Alex grips my hand tighter. "That was me trying to burn shit to the ground. Don't listen to that little dumbfuck emotional arsonist."

"I really don't want to," I mutter. "But he's pretty loud."

Alex laughs, slightly smiling. "I know I have to stop keeping everything bottled up and letting it get to me. Like, I should have called you every day I was gone and told you about what was going on instead of pretending I was fine. I know that now. I can't keep fucking this up for us."

For us. Us. He says it like we are a couple. "Is there an us?"

My roommate wraps a hand around my head and pulls me into his lips, gently kissing me. "Isn't that what you want?" he asks.

I'm so confused about everything. "I don't understand, Alex. You haven't wanted anything to do with me since the break, and then you say you're going on a date with a girl. You told me you couldn't ever see yourself having a boyfriend, and now you're asking me if I'm still interested. I have no idea what to think right now."

"I know it sounds really fucking weird," he mumbles. "I've had his stupid voice in my head ever since I came back. All I kept thinking is that I'm going to disappoint you like I disappoint everyone else. I've already done it a few times, haven't I? So yeah, I kept thinking he's totally right, I'm just going to keep hurting Tyler until he finally ditches me. So maybe it was better to just...let go and push you away."

I rub my hand across my forehead trying to make sense of it. "You're saying you were trying to hurt me...because you're afraid of hurting me?"

He sighs. "I know, it's really fucking fucked up, isn't it? I seriously need counseling or something."

"I still don't get it, though," I say. "What changed?"

Alex stares pensively at the ground. "You should really read those texts," he whispers. "When you called me out and threatened to leave, I realized I never want you to leave. I started imagining my life without you and it seemed so...sad. You make me really happy, Tyler. I need you in my life, and I need to grow the fuck up."

I want to tell him I love him so badly after hearing that, but I know I can't do it now. "I feel like I need you too, Alex," I whisper. "But I realized something tonight too. I can't keep torturing myself just to be friends with benefits or whatever. My feelings are way too strong and they're going to drive me crazy."

"That's why I already asked you," he says gently, his brown eyes peering deeply into mine. "Do you want to be my boyfriend?"