Mandelbrot Story

Selected Journal Entries:

Tuesday, November 19th, 10am

Only one more day until Thanksgiving Break, then five days off. I’m going to be just about the only guy left in this dorm. I remember talking to a girl last year who had stayed on campus over the break. From her description I’ll pretty much have the place to myself.

I’m bummed that Seth wont be around. He’s got an aunt who lives up the coast a few hours away. She’s driving down tomorrow to pick him up. This place is going to be LONELY. But we’ve spent so much time working together the past couple of weeks, I guess he could probably use a break from me. These visors of his are progressing incredibly. I’ve been helping to improve the driver software to get smoother response and higher definition. There’s a lot of buzz in the engineering community around this accomplishment. I helped him file eight patents! It’s a pity that the patent ownership goes straight to the school. Someday Seth will get rich, but it won’t be from the visor.

For that very reason we’ve decided to keep the Mandelbrot program a secret. Not that it’s all that special, but if the visors become a marketing hit then I can claim to write the software down the road and claim ownership and maybe make some money. At least that’s how Seth explains it to me. He’s really big on keeping it a secret. Whatever.

God my arms are killing me! Just finished five sets of pull-ups. The last set I only got 5 good ones in, but the other sets were 12 apiece. Got to do my crunches next. Tryouts for the swim team are right after the holiday. I have no idea how competitive it’s going to be—I’ve never done anything like this before. I’ve been swimming two miles a day pretty consistently, but I think speed with short sprints is going to be more important.

I’m paying Taylor Jones to coach me on the butterfly stroke. He’s on the team and is a lifeguard at the pool. Twenty bucks an hour, but it’s worth it. Both because he’s good at breaking down my stroke and figuring out what’s wrong, and because he’s fucking gorgeous! I’m just fantasizing about being on the team and getting to see his body every day.

It’s interesting watching him from a distance, when I’m just hanging out at the pool. He’s really popular—people are always fawning over him. (Mostly girls, of course.) He’s got that movie-star quality, that’s all that much more enticing because at the same time he’s kind of shy and sheepish. That’s something I used to be so familiar with! It’s like he’s not quite comfortable inside his own body, and he doesn’t seem to know what to do about the girls’ advances. They make him awkward.

I’m building my rapport with him slowly but steadily. Getting the private coaching was a good start: it puts him in a role where he naturally has to act confident and approachable. When he’s explaining swimming technique I can hold eye contact for a lot longer than normal. In other situations, like seeing him in the dining hall, he gets shy quicker. I’m also making a study of his body language. It’s fascinating: I can really read his mood by the way he stands and walks. I don’t know how to describe it exactly. It’s like I can almost see an aura in different parts of his body. When he’s being “Mr. Swimmer Guy” and hanging around with friends his energy is in his (huge and powerful) shoulders. If he’s not talking to people, but he’s watching others from afar, he kind of leads with his crotch. I suspects he’s sexually frustrated and unsure of how to deal with it.

The other guy I’ve got my eye on is the R.A. of our dorm, Timothy O’Malley. He’s a Senior, a Chem major. He’s a friendly guy, but in many ways he seems so alone. I suspect that comes from being an R.A.—since he’s the authority figure in the dorm, the enforcer of the rules, he can’t get too chummy with the rest of us. I think he’s accepted his isolation. In his mind he’ll be graduating soon and going on to some high-tech firm, so he’s emotionally detaching himself from this place. But I’ll bet with that sort of resolved isolation he’s got to be harboring a “need to connect”.

Anyway, he and I will almost be the only people staying in this dorm over the holiday. (I think there are two other people on the 3rd floor.) So we’ll see how much closer I can get to him.

Wednesday, November 20th, 9am

I got the strangest reaction out of Seth last night. It was uncharacteristic and unexpected. Let me back up a bit to give some context.

I had a brainstorm earlier that day. In my quest to be the master seducer on campus, it would be to my advantage to known everyone’s name. I remember once when I first met this one guy, and he already knew my name. It’s hard to describe, but that guy had a certain power over me—I was intrigued by how he already knew me, and to be honest I also found it flattering. So I figured, if I got to know the name of every guy on campus, it would give me a certain upper-hand in conversations, plus it would make it just that much easier for me to meet new people. (I have to be honest: even though my new-found self is a predator, inside me is still the same shy, insecure guy!)

I’m lucky that this college has a student body of only 600 people. Memorizing 600 names is doable, as opposed to if I went to some big state university with 10,000 students! Going through the online yearbook files I was able to get photos of all the Upperclassmen, which made roughly 450 photos. I’ll have to figure out how to track down pictures of the remaining 150 Freshmen. (Note to self: Sam has a workstudy job in the Admissions department. They might have photos of the Frosh on file.)

So I’ve whipped up this customized database for myself. It has the names and (when available) the photos and any other information like majors, etc. of the entire student body. I’ve set it up so I can keep all other notes about people—history and gossip and all that stuff. And I wrote a sort of “flash-card drill” program so I could practice committing these faces to memory. I was running this drill over Seth’s visor. (That way I could be memorizing faces while doing sit-ups, dumbbell curls, etc.)

Seth walked into the room, saw me using the visor and FREAKED. It was as if my mom had walked in on me shooting up heroine or something. I’ve never seen him lose his cool before. He didn’t seem angry per se, but more worried or panicked. Another thing that’s strange: he thought I was using the Mandelbrot program. When I explained that I was just memorizing names and photographs he seemed to relax quite a bit. But still, the whole thing seemed quite disproportionate. He made me promise that I would never use the visor without his supervision. I know that little piece of equipment is worth a lot of money, so I guess that makes sense.

He actually took the visor with him this morning when he left with his Aunt for the break. He said he wanted to do some adjustments to it over the break, but I think he didn’t trust me. (And yeah, that hurts a little bit.)

Campus is already deathly quiet. I went to the dining hall for breakfast, and there wasn’t even a dozen students there. I did see Taylor (my swimmer guy) there. He’s going to be back on Friday night. I guess they’re going to have the pool open for some restricted hours, and he’ll be running it over the weekend. I’m going to head over there right now to get in a quick mile or two before the close it. Both the pool and the gym are closed on Thursday and Friday so I’ll only be running and doing crunches those days. I’ve got to say, my abs are beginning to look pretty good, especially since it’s only been 6 weeks since I started this exercise program.

Okay, enough writing! Gotta go exercise!

Sunday, November 24th, 3am

I wonder what the proper definition of ‘virginity’ is. Is it different when you’re gay? I think back in the old Puritan days when things like fellatio and cunnilingus didn’t exist in Proper Peoples’ vocabularies, it was much more straightforward. I know that in the gay world the definition of “sex” includes hand-jobs and blow-jobs.

I don’t think I lost my virginity tonight, but I’m definitely well into the grey area. I just spent the last several hours in Tim O’Malley’s (the R.A.’s) room. Oh man, what fun! I was in rare form. I think it had something to do with how deserted campus has been for the last four days; I was going into man-withdrawal. I would see Tim every now and then, usually passing him as he would bring a take-out meal from the dining hall back to his room.

We got into a few conversations. It turns out he’s part of a band—some old high school friends back home in Chicago—and they still do gigs when he’s back there during the summer. He’s planning on going to graduate school out there, so he’ll be able to keep it up. He plays the guitar and writes much of the lyrics. (The lead singer is a girl. He just backup vocals.) He invited me to come over to hear some of their music and to look at the lyrics he was writing for some new songs, so we made plans to hang out tonight.

I showed up with a six-pack. His reaction was kind of funny—being the R.A. he’s supposed to be the one busting me if I’m caught drinking. But I guess he didn’t want to be lame, so he didn’t do anything. I promised that I would only have a single beer. As I just said, I was in rare for tonight. I was feeling like a complete predator. When I stepped into his room I could smell his scent. (It’s fascinating: I’m beginning to realize how distinctive every individual’s scent is. You think that dogs are totally different in how they can use this as identification, but the ability is present in all of us. I suspect we just don’t realize that. Oh wait, am I getting a little too Hannibal Lector there?)

Whenever I looked at Tim, I felt this certain predatory tingle whenever I held eye contact and/or smiled. At first he seemed to be getting visibly nervous so I dialed it down a bit, at least until he consumed a few beers. We spent a couple hours listening to his music, letting him talk about the band. I could tell he was missing his friends back home. He explained how being an R.A. isolates him socially from the other students. That and also most of his friends were a year or two older so now that he’s a Senior he really doesn’t have many friends on campus.

I asked him what it was like to play in a band, if there was a certain star quality to it. He said that being on stage was a certain rush, having all the people looking up at you. I suspect he kind of resents the lead singer getting so much attention—after all, he writes most of the music—but he wouldn’t admit it. He claimed he was cool with that, but I could tell he was enjoying it whenever I would ply him with complements. (He really IS a good musician.)

All this while I was getting him progressively drunker. Okay, with just four beers he wasn’t blitzed or anything, but he was getting relaxed, so I dialed back up the flirtation. Every now and then I would engage in some harmless body contact, like a hand on his shoulder or something. To be honest, he wasn’t really responding to that. I suspect on the straight/gay scale he’s pretty much straight. But I could tell that getting him talking about being lonely and about the stardom of being in a band was making him a little horny.

I’m working on a theory that straight guys don’t necessarily respond to casual physical contact from another guy, but they ARE susceptible to visual stimuli—holding eye contact, the evil smile, etc. I could be wrong; after all, I’ve only recently started this grand experiment. I’m just following my instincts, and they seem to be pretty damned accurate. Six months down the road I’ll have to go back over my notes and determine if my theory here is right.

Anyway, I moved the conversation up to whether he had a girlfriend (He didn’t.) and how long it’s been since he’s made out with anyone (since last summer) and it progressed quickly from there. I asked if women thought he was a good kisser (he didn’t have a clue but wondered that himself) and decided I would judge for myself.

We made out for a few minutes. At a certain point I felt he was done with the kissing. I imagine his conscious was beginning to wake up and realize he was kissing a guy and started worrying. So I started fondling his crotch. He was doing that ‘wanting to pull away but too excited to actually do it’ body language, so I unzipped his pants and pulled his stiff dick out.

Now I’ve seen guys dicks before in locker rooms, mostly in my peripheral vision. This was the first time I’d ever seen one up close, to say nothing about actually touching one! But I didn’t really have time to stop and study it. This whole seduction was a delicate matter. I could tell part of his mind was really freaking out about what was going on, and if I paused for a second he would find a way to strategically end things. So as quickly as possible I put my mouth around his dick.

His body shuddered, he sighed loudly and his torso fell back onto the bed. It was really cool how much he lost complete control over his body. There’s a certain feeling of power and control I had—I really like it!

I spent several minutes experimenting with the act of fellatio. It was my first time, but I was intent on learning as much as I could from the experience. Sometimes I used my tongue, rolling it around the head of his dick. I tried taking as much of his dick into my mouth as possible. (I now know what they mean by “gag reflex”. I’ve got to figure out if there’s really a way to suppress that.) I tried ‘suckling’ on his dick—sort of doing a swallowing action as though I were trying to milk him. And I did the typical rapid in-and-out that I’ve seen on a porn movie. (Note to self: I need to find more gay porn movies so I can take notes on and catalog the various techniques. I hope they’re at least somewhat accurate.)

After a while I stopped being clinical about the whole exercise and really started to get into it, but suddenly I heard this sound in his crotch—it was like hearing water gushing through pipes—and suddenly I was choking down this really salty stuff. I have to admit it caught my a little bit by surprise, but I did everything I could to maintain my composure. So that’s what cum tastes like. (I have to admit, it’s going to take a little getting used to.)

Tim looked so relaxed and happy. I actually tucked him into bed, whispered not to worry, that this would be our little secret, turned off the lights and let myself out. I came back here, and I had a raging hard-on of my own, so I jacked myself off. I’m still feeling pretty amped-up, but I know I’ve got to go to sleep soon. Tomorrow the pool will be open at 1pm, and I’m looking forward to seeing Taylor.

Hopefully he’ll be my next conquest. But I think he’s going to be a harder nut to crack. Any time I flirt with him he gets visibly nervous. Not quite ‘nervous’ actually; that’s the wrong word. Something in him just turns off. It’s strange for two reasons: first of all, he’s always very friendly and I pick up positive body language from him until I start flirting, and second, I’ve seen the same thing with girls flirt with him so it can’t be a straight/gay thing. It’s going to be interesting getting into his head.

I can’t wait!