Mandelbrot Story

“What on Earth are you doing?”

I heard Seth behind me, but I couldn’t turn back to look. Had to keep counting. One hundred and fifty two, one hundred and fifty three, …

“Sorry,” I gasped—one hundred and fifty four, one hundred and fifty five—“Did I wake you.” The sit-ups were going pretty slowly now. I decided I’d try to get to a hundred and sixty for a nice round number. My stomach was burning, but it felt good.

“No. Okay, yes, but that’s okay, I have to get up anyway. Got class in a couple minutes. Your first class isn’t until ten o’clock, right?”

One hundred and fifty nine… ouch, it was really hurting. I gritted my teeth, sucked in a bunch of air and barely squeezed out the last sit-up. Then collapsed on the ground. I took a few precious gulps of air, then answered, “Yeah. Just enough time to grab breakfast, shower, dress, and get to Comparative Languages. Then to the pool to see how far I can swim.”

“Dude, don’t kill yourself! Why the sudden exercise bug?”

“Dunno,” I shrugged, “I just felt so great when I woke up, I figured I should start taking better care of my body.”

“Whatever. Just don’t get yourself too sore on the first day. All things in moderation.”

“Oh yeah, that sure is the pot calling the kettle black. You wouldn’t recognize Moderation if it clocked you upside the head!” I jumped up—or tried to jump up—and went to my dresser to climb into some sweat pants and a t-shirt.

“You’d better get out of here quick before the cafeteria closes.” Seth stated the obvious, “By the way, you got a lot of homework to do today?”

I found a clean t-shirt and pulled it on, “A few hours worth. Why?”

“Oh, I thought you might help me fine-tune this visor. It would be hard to find a better lab rat.” he grinned.

“Yeah, sure. I’m back from Classical Dynamics at 3. I can do homework for a couple hours, catch a quick dinner, and I’ll be all yours by 5:30. How’s that?”

“How about you skip dinner at the dining hall, and I’ll spring for pizza?”

“Oh, I don’t think so.” I said, “Sounds delish, but that stuff’s really bad for me. I’ve been eating crap too much lately. I can build a pretty good salad in the dining hall.”

“You’re turning down pizza?” He stared at me incredulously. “Okay, that’s overboard. We’ll have to add some occasional pizza to your programming.”

That was a funny thing to say! I looked at him, puzzled. “Okay, whatever. Don’t worry, I’ll do it take-out and bring it to the room. I’ll be back here by 5:15—promise! Then we’ll work on your visor. I can’t wait.”

* * * *

Seth was right about my overdoing things. By late afternoon my back and stomach and arms and legs were all sore and complaining about different things. I was just trying to prop myself up in bed and go through some Physics homework, but it was hard to concentrate. I took an aspirin and it was providing some nominal help, but my mind was just having trouble focusing. I looked at the clock—3:30pm—and rolled onto my back, stared at the ceiling, and tried not to moan too loudly. I don’t know what was worse, showing that I was such a wimp or letting Seth see that he was right.

I was wearing only boxers. That wasn’t typical for me. Normally I’m wearing the ol’ ‘tighty-whiteys’ and jeans and a long-sleeve shirt and maybe even a sweater, but my skin just felt awful with all those constricting clothes on. Maybe I was so damn sore from the exercise that even clothing hurt! Conveniently, Seth had turned up the heat in our room, so I wasn’t cold. And the air did indeed feel good against my skin.

Seth sat on his bed, working on the visor. He was soldering some of the wire connectors in place. I loved these sorts of afternoons, just doing homework, hanging out with him, nothing special.

“Zach, can I ask you a question?” I looked over and saw that Seth had put down the visor. He was staring at me with this strange look on his face. I was a little disarming: he had this almost devious look on his face, like he was scheming something.

“Yeah sure. What”

“Are you a virgin?”

My stomach clenched, and my heart started racing, “What?!”

“Have you ever done it. You know, with either a guy or a girl?”

My face was hot. My tongue felt heavy in my mouth, and I wasn’t sure I’d be able to say anything without stammering. I knew I harbored a huge crush on my roommate, but I was always so careful to make sure it didn’t show. It was generally easy because we always talked about movies or science or, well, the stuff that friends talk about. As long as things were kept on a simple, platonic level, I could go on forever with my secret little crush and everything would be safe. We never talked about things like feelings, or God forbid, sex.

Does he know? I suddenly felt extremely naked, laying there in my boxers in front of him. He specifically asked if I’d been with a guy or a girl. He was suggesting I was gay. Did I look gay? And it didn’t help that he was staring at me like I was some lab rat or psychology experiment. And still he had that mischievous look like he was enjoying this, or least that he was aware that this made me uncomfortable but wasn’t about to stop.

“Why… why do you ask?” I was trying to look nonchalant and completely failing.

“It’s a simple question. Boy, you sure look nervous.”

No shit, Sherlock! I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to simultaneously yell at him, throw a blanket over my mostly-naked body, change the subject, turn back time…

“Yes. Yes I’m a virgin. Sorry, I’m just not comfortable talking about this.”

“You’ve made out before, though. Right?”

He wasn’t taking a hint. He was intentionally making me squirm and watching my reaction. As much as I hated this, I grabbed onto one glimmer of hope: he wasn’t looking repulsed. I was terrified that he would think I was some creepy, lecherous guy, that I would lose our friendship. But he didn’t look uncomfortable at all. There was something slightly exhilarating about the moment, about its sheer intensity, but all the same I still wished there were some rock I could climb under.

“Yeah, I had a girlfriend in High School, but it never went past kissing. Please, can we talk about anything else?”

“Okay. Sorry, I didn’t mean to make you so uncomfortable.”

Liar! He released me from his gaze.

“Listen, it’s just that…” he paused, looking for the right words, “Well, your college years should be a little wild and crazy. Not just getting good grades, but living life and all that. And you seem so tense all the time.”

“You think I need to get laid?”

“I think you should go on a date, first. Hell, first things first, I’m not sure you’ve ever flirted with anyone in the year I’ve known you.”

I didn’t know what to say. At least the conversation was heading back into ‘friend’ territory. At least he hadn’t asked if I were gay, although I was sure he knew.

“Okay, I’ll drop the subject.” He offered, “How about the visor? You still got a bunch of homework to finish up?”

I was so thankful for the escape, “Actually, I don’t think I can concentrate on homework anymore. You were right, I overdid it on the exercise today. I can be a lab rat for a while.”

* * * *

I was weightless, once again swimming in a sea of light and color. Seth’s voice was filling my mind, relaxing me. He was finishing with getting my mind to forget the aches and pains of my body. It had only taken me a couple minutes to get back to a sense of complete submersion.

“You’ll be aware of these aches, these important messages from your body. We don’t want you to injure yourself, after all. But you need to be able to focus on schoolwork, and you need to get a good night’s sleep tonight. But the pain will be distant. You will be able to relax your body. Your mind will be clear. Do you understand?”

“I understand.”

“If you feel any real significant pain, you’ll tell me about it—not just now but when you’re awake as well. Any regular soreness will actually make you feel happier because you’ll know your body is getting stronger. You’ll crave those sensations.”

“I understand.”

“Now I’m going to talk about sex. You’re not going to feel scared or anxious. If you feel any anxiety you’ll just forget about what we’ve been talking about. You mind will be a nice, safe, convenient sieve. All you’ll focus on is how happy it makes you feel to answer my questions, and then you’ll forget the questions and your answers. Okay?”

“Okay.”

“Zach, are you gay? Do you think about girls too or just primarily guys?”

Seth’s words wrapped around my consciousness, teasing out the answer, “I think I’m gay. I like looking at guys, although I try to hide it. I haven’t ever thought that way about girls. Mostly I try not to think about it.”

“Okay, Zach, that’s going to change.”

“What’s going to change?” I was confused. I knew we were talking about something, but I wasn’t exactly sure what. I was feeling good, but I didn’t know why.

“Zach, you are gay. You are aware you’re gay, and as far as you can remember you’ve always realized you were gay. You will remember a day last year when you finally decided to accept the fact that you were gay and that it was a good thing. You have no regrets; it’s who you are.

“You will also remember that as far back as we’ve been friends, I’ve known you were gay. It’s always been a non-issue between us. In fact, whenever you see a guy who you find attractive, you love to tell me about it. That’s just another thing we have that’s part of our regular friendship. You like looking at guys, thinking about them and how they turn you on, and you’re happy to share your thoughts with me. Do you understand? You like looking at guys, right?”

“Yeah, I love to look at them.”

“What parts of a guys body do you like to look at the most?”

“Mmmm.”

“Do you like guys with big muscles?”

“That’s not as important as their faces, their eyes, their smiles. Although…”

“Yeah, although what?”

“I like watching those guys in North Dorm that play soccer. Good legs, nice abs. Mmmm.”

“You like it when it’s hot outside and they take their shirts off?”

“Mmmm.” I was grinning guiltily. I could also feel my dick pushing against my boxers. I felt good.

“That’s good, Zach. I want you to remember that we’ve talked about this sort of thing. I know your fondness of the soccer players. Do you know if any of those guys is gay?”

“No,” I answered, “I haven’t got a clue.”

“Well, we’ll do some research soon enough. Okay, Zach, I want to talk to you about flirting. Over the next few weeks you are going to conduct some experiments with flirting. I know normally you avoid making eye contact with people. That’s going to change. Do you remember ever making long eye contact with someone you’re attracted to?”

“Yeah.”

“Who with?”

“Well, you of course.”

I heard Seth chuckle, “Yeah, anyone else?”

“I don’t know. It happens every now and then. I get really nervous quickly and look away.” I said.

“Okay Zach, I want you to envision making eye contact with one of the soccer players from North Dorm. How about Jason? Is he attractive?”

“Oh yeah! He’s got this really nice smile. And his eyes are so damned blue!”

“Oh, I want you to visualize Jason. He’s just finished playing a soccer game. He did really well, and he’s talking to you. Every now and then you see his blue eyes, and you hold his gaze just a little longer than normal. He smiles at you and you smile back at him. It’s that simple, right?”

I started feeling a little tense and nervous. I could see his eyes, that smile, but I was feeling some panic. My shoulders started to tense.

“Zach, relax. You’re looking into his eyes, but when you’re feeling isn’t fear; it’s exhilaration. You aren’t afraid he’s going to reject you; you’re excited that he might like you. Do you understand?”

I was still feeling nervous. The words were playing around in my head, but they weren’t quite sinking in. I said, “I’m… It’s hard to…”

Seth put his hand on my chest, “Keep looking into the beautiful spirals. The visor is giving you such a pleasant gift. As you sink deeper into your trance you’ll begin to see how my words make sense. Envision Jason. You’re talking to him, laughing about something. He smiles, and you can see his eyes, and you challenge his gaze by holding it just a little longer. You don’t look away from him, but instead you smile. Can you see it. Keep visualizing that scenario. Then make it another one of the guys. You are all hanging out together. You have so much power. You’ve been working out, and your body is really good-looking, and you’re proud of that swimmer’s build you’ve been working on.”

My shoulders were relaxing, but my groin wasn’t. My skin was tingling all over.

“Zach, I’m going to do something, and I want you to continue to concentrate on this simple exercise. You are going to associate the following sensation with the act of flirting. Keep visualizing flirting with those guys just using your eyes and your smile. Flirt and associate the following sensation will all of it…”

I felt Seth carefully but firmly pull my boxers down, and suddenly there was this amazing wet sensation all around my dick. He had put it in his mouth and was gently sucking on it. I had never felt anything like that before, and it felt so damn good. My whole body shuddered. A second later his mouth released me.

“Zach, remember, this sensation is linked with flirting. Every time you make eye contact with an attractive guy you’ll associate it with this…”

Once again he slowly took me in his mouth. I moaned. After a minute he came back up for air.

“Every time you hold a gaze, smile a bit and get a smile in return, you are getting this…” and again he went down on me. My entire mind and body was swimming in sensation. I could see the soccer players. In my mind I kept replaying the scenarios, the simple feeling of flirtation. Seth was right: this wasn’t fear, it was exhilaration. I was empowered. And he was making me feel so good. My skin was tingling. The sensation was building faster and faster.

I exploded. Moaning, I felt the convulsions in my groin. I was emptying… I came into his mouth. My body tensed and relaxed in spasms and my mind exploded. I felt myself sinking in a sea of contentment; I was beginning to black out…