Lysistrata: 2018

We'll call them Bill and Joe, two nice guys, good fathers, good husbands, work at decent jobs, don't philander, come home on time, do as much as the "honey do" list as they could without burning down the house, made sure there was gas in both cars, played with the children.....men any guy would be proud to know. 

Now lets meet their wives, Helen and Mary, two suburban housewives who nominally have what they want, a faithful husband, 2.3 children, a Labrador retriever and sex on demand. Unless they have a headache or want something which has to be earned by what they call, having heard the term at a PTA meeting, "Cock Work". Problem there was that no two sides of this rapidly demolishing equation ever wanted sex at approximately the same time or in the same way. Lets just assume that for Bill and Joe to get a piece, they had to start on their knees, perhaps end up in cuffs, and, even then, go to sleep, still cuffed but unfulfilled. 

To a degree they went along with this as, after a while, they found that at best, they were protecting their assets which they'd paid for and, no, this did not include "Cock Work" which they assumed to be a fringe benefit for both parties. Trouble is, that was rapidly becoming labour and management with labour treated like second class citizens in the home for which they'd paid. 

On Saturday morning, while reviewing the rather long list of things he was expected to do, Joe found a note at the end that said, "Honey, do all this and then I'm all yours." What Joe knew was they she might as well have a headache for if he did all that she wanted, he'd be too tired to get up the stairs much less get it up; He could see sleeping on the couch as a viable alternative to unrewarded work. 

Else where Bill was having the parallel experience save that he was offered nothing at the end of the day save he'd have to get his own dinner as she was taking the children and going to her mother's for the weekend. So...sweaty, hot, covered with crap from working on the lawn, exhausted from nothing but work, he put down the list, sat on the bumper of his (almost paid for) pick up and thought. Next door Joe was having something like that with only one exception, his wife was  going for a week.. 

The two men saw each other, looked up, a hang dog expression, both held up a piece of paper and suddenly begin to laugh more from hysteria and despair than anything else. They met at the fence.

"I fucking cannot do all this, it's too much....Christ, what does she do all week, ball the UPS driver?"
"Same here and....I think I did some of these things last week or at least a few weeks ago. How often can the drains need to have the leaves removed? It isn't fall and it hasn't rained."

In the back of their minds was the subject of sex as, lately, it always had been. Or at least the vision of it since the reality was steadily becoming a memory of, frankly, an unpleasant experience in which neither of them could be said to have gotten off much of anything.
And now that the braying cow Oprah was preaching that things must change. Bill and Joe looked at each other and saw, not just a neighbor, but a fellow man, one who had needs, desires that went beyond weeding the Gazania patch. They thought about it, about their youth that was only a few years behind them, they still looked pretty good and, thanks to living with Charles Atlas and her working program were pretty well put together. 

Bill wondered how to bring up the topic but he had to know for if he was right, he and his buddy had crossed the finish line in that they were finished. "Joe, uh, how long has it been since you got, you know, any?"
"Any what? Fleas? I got those sleeping with the damn dog. I suppose you mean sex...I can answer that if you can tell me that lifespan of a rat."
They looked at each other and no answer was required. Then they looked at themselves. Old shorts, an old T shirt, boots just to protect their toes from the lawn mower, uncut hair, unshaven face....They were their own rock on which their ships had crashed.

"What if....this is crazy...but what if she came home, not a fucking thing had been done, the house was filled with guys playing poker, beer bottle empties everywhere....what would she do?"
"Pull an Irwin Rommel on you and outfox you in battle, throw the visiting troops out, tie you to the dryer and whip you with the vacuum cord until you promised to never, ever do it again. That's just before she got out the electric knife and cut off your balls..."\
"Why bother? mine are already dead from lack of use, no return policy and the warranty has run out."
"Don't give up on me, buddy, this could work. How many guys do we know right now who are being used as beasts of burden on a Saturday, one of the few days we get release from work to turn it in for more work and no pay. Hell, if she paid me, I'd do all of this..."
"And if mine paid me I'd fuck her till the cows come up. I don't care what she wanted, for cash, she'd get it."
"You can kiss that idea goodbye. But....As I recall from some dumb psychology class, Freud said you don't really appreciate something unless you have to pay for it."
"Well, you couldn't be more underappreciated than we are and it's for damn sure they'll never pay for it."

"Maybe and maybe not. Seems to me what motivates a woman as much as anything is to get something someone else has even if they don't need it."
"Maybe but...there's nothing about us that would make either of them jealous, just pissed off because the door jamb wasn't fixed."
"What about sex?"
"What about it?"
"You can bet they'd be jealous if they weren't getting any and some friend of theirs was now wouldn't they?"
"Like that would happen. I'd wake up chained to the bed with her sitting on my cock milking me. She'll get sex."
"Don't get down on yourself." He wandered around the garage, took two beers from the refrigerator they kept for bargains that had to be refrigerated and gave it to his buddy.
"At this hour?"
"Yep, at this hour, and while you chug that one I'm going to call Jerry and then it's time to get cleaned up."
"Jerry? Gay Jerry? The former Marine, that Jerry?"
"Drink up." And to set an example tipped his can up until you could hear it glug more than three times.

Jerry rolled on the floor when he heard the idea. Got right with the program and said he'd be right over.
That done, Bill collected Joe, tossed out the empties on the drive way and headed indoors. "Time to get clean, showered up."
"At this hour?"
"Yeah, at this hour, and there's a good reason, you're taking a shower with me."
The shock on the other man's face wasn't too bad it was just shock.
"I don't want to take a shower with you, this isn't a gym, it's your home, your bathroom...."
"Okay, if you'd prefer, we can go to your place, shower there....."
"I don't want to take a shower with you.....that's....some sort of a gay thing."
"Right, and that's why I asked Jerry to come over, he's going to teach us how to have gay sex."
"Cocksucker...."
"Precisely, we're both gonna be good cocksuckers and we won't be alone. Now come on, we'll use the downstairs bath, the shower's bigger."

Joe did not get go easily but at least he did go. Then stood in one end of the shower as if he were a virgin caught behind a waterfall.
"Oh for the love of God." And pulled down his hand covering his cock and balls. "I've seen 'em before and I mean yours. Now, get over here while I soap you up."
Using shampoo, he started at the top and worked his way down until he hit the man meat department where the object of his cleanliness almost retreated into his descending colon. Paying no attention, Bill worked his balls, even though they tried to escape, his cock, put a finger back where on himself he often caused cum by massaging his prostate, and finally got him to full erection. "You cannot tell me that doesn't feel good. Now, take your hand, I'll put some shampoo in in it and you can work on me. Get me up and ready."
Joe looked as if he'd been asked to fuck his own mother in church during services. 

"Hey where are you guys?" The pleasant baritone of Jerry intruded with the sound of water..
"Hey, we're in here, come on in, there's room for one more."
Jerry got out of his shoes, let his cammies hit the floor, pulled off his T shirt-revealing a finely crafted chest as well as some normal Marine tattoos and stepped in. Put out his hand and was rewarded with it being filled first with shampoo then being told to start on Joe who was being resistant.
"Pleasure. Always did like both of you....."
"Here's the deal, keep working on him, please, we need sex and since we're not getting it at home..well, where else is there than each other, man to man sex."
"I like the way you think already", said Jerry as he ran a hand down Joe's spine and around to his nut house.
"But not just us, we all know guys, hell, they complain about it all the time, that don't get the fucking they deserve for the pussy they're paying for so...."
"Joe, look up, you're going to enjoy this". Jerry seemed insistent so Jerry looked up. Just in time to feel an arm go around him and two lips cover his.
There was a silence while Joe got kissed, Jerry got hot and Bill thought of further elaborations of his plan while idly jerking off.

Joe was not precisely in Seventh Heaven nor was he in hell but he started the trip up the scale when Jerry got on his knees, took his now rigid organ in his mouth and began to play it. Bill watched with interest then, figuring you learned by doing, got down on the shower floor, took Jerry's cannon sized dick into his mouth and practiced what he thought was a blow job by sucking.
"Okay, guys, rinse down, dry up and it's time to hit the beds."
"Beds?"
"Bed...you've got a king sized don't you Bill?"
"Then that's were the lessons go next; First sucking and then...."
"Oh my God, no, not that, I'm a virgin.....'
"What about those kids?"
"Well, I mean back there I'm a virgin."
"Great, never had two virgins in one day and with old friends, too. Hey, what you got in the way of lube? And it better not be Mentholatum or shit like that, that's for more advanced work; Pain and Pleasure."
Joe almost fainted.

Jerry said, "I know lots of guys who are just like you two, nice guys but not appreciated so....they come to me for what I can give which is, sex of course, but some male bonding time. You know, not the proverbial man cave, watch a game sort, but just two guys being together, talking about whatever, sex...whatever they like, sometimes they spend the night but....they always go home. I could ask a couple of them to come by and....."
"Here? Oh my God, Jerry, this won't look good. Bill, tell him, this won't look good,..."
"It'll look great! Wow five or six guys all relaxed, having a beer maybe watching a game letting Jerry teach us new ways to play games with each other...and I bet they'll know more guys....right, Jerry?"
"Yeup". He was momentarily occupied trying to get Joe's mouth around at least the head of his cock. "Lots of guys...."

Some while later there were now seven men in various stages of undress, but mostly nude, in Bill's house learning and then practicing what they'd been shown. With the exception of Bill and Joe there were no virgins so that meant there were two cherries available which Jerry thought would be best taken by the two guys themselves. Joe, what else is new?, almost cried when a pillow was put under his tummy, his hands already cuffed and his ankles tied to the bed posts. Jerry apologized but, it was the only way to get him where he needed to be and, besides, it may be that in the future, he'd like being tied down when he was fucked; Many men do. Bill had gone first with Joe as a frightened audience as he watched Jerry's good sized schlong disappear into his buddy and neighbor. Bill only whimpered a bit but after not too long, his eyes crossed with pleasure and someone had to put something in his mouth as he was screaming, "Beat me Mama, Eight to the bar". He was immediately converted to gay sex which proved to be just like any other sex save that you only needed men. 

Later in the evening, after a major beer run, the guys sat around discussing what was proving to be a highly interesting idea; No sex for women. Simple as that. If some wife or girlfriend got real insistent, sleep on a couch or, a list was made, sleep at the home of someone who wasn't married. That solved two problems; Where to sleep and where to fuck. They'd go right on being good husbands, go to work, support their families just as ever until it became time to go to bed and she "wanted some". Then the answer was a simple "No" and he was to roll over. 

Obviously a party and thought patrol as good as this was too small for one home so Sunday Found the newly initiated man sex participants at a larger home further in the country, well secluded and with a big swimming pool. By now the group was over 20 and, based on phone calls and idea sharing on places like Facebook, the idea was zipping around the country. Gay men were opening their homes to married men who were going to be harried by ingrate wives who thought that a cock came with a title in her name. It wasn't so.

That evening Bill's wife tried to open the garage door with her door opener but no deal. She and the kids finally got in the old fashioned way, she broke a window and crawled in. The moment she turned on one light terror struck her. Clearly there'd been violence done and her home, her beautiful cared for home was a shambles. Nothing was broken but there were glass stains on furniture, the smell of a brewery was everywhere, beer cans and bottles....it was enough to make her cry. Up the stairs to find the most comforting thing in her life, her husband. She stopped on the stairs. What if Bill had been injured? Worse, dead. What if malevolent bikers had taken him and her home and trashed both of them. She went up the last six risers two at a time and into their bedroom where she found Bill sound asleep as if nothing had happened. 

Interesting isn't it, how fear can change to anger so quickly. Like finding a missing child and then raining hell on them for the ordeal they'd put you through. That's what Bill was treated to. Then, when she ran down on that subject, she told him to get out of bed and go clean up. Everything, every can, bottle, pizza box, all of it. He sat up, put his feet and legs over the edge of the bed looked at her for a time and said, "No".
A long pause while she absorbed the shock and he prepared for the next volley. It was coming.
"Did you hear me, get out of that bed and get your sorry ass into some clothes and go clean up this house and I'm not kidding or you'll never see my pussy again."
"Fine, I don't give a rip for your snatch, it's been so little used by me it's probably grown closed. So, not now and not in the future. If you want sex, find a door knob."
At that he got up and left the room dragging a sheet, a blanket and carrying a pillow. "I'll be on the couch so don't run the vacuum near it."

Hers was not the only unhappy household that morning as women found out that the power of the vagina had lost its power. Great to pee with but...as for their men, a dead issue. Shock, disbelief, telephone calls back and forth. Outrage, annoyance, how could they do that to them but it occurred to them, all they had to do was wait a day or three and the lure of the bash on the beauty rest would prove to be too strong. They'd be back.

In a sense, they got part of it right, the pull of sex did get their men into bed for sex but it was with other men. There was an upside no one had ever much thought of, a man had all the holes a woman did, just placed differently plus they held the key to put into the lock. Stunningly simple logic and, of course, as gay men have known ever since Adam or Adrian first fucked Evian, men felt just as good as women, better really as there were no internal plumbing problems to avoid. Men never had "that time of the month:", men , once properly schooled, got over the long held Puritanical notion that sex with another man, was evil, immoral. Fuck Onan spilling his seed upon the ground; Had he looked a little further, he would have found some receptive hole and no spilled seed. Also, men would do things with and to each other that women would not. Lots of things wouldn't do save those few who were kinky and, frankly, then they wanted to run the dungeon which wasn't the point of the drill.

It was a slow starting movement, these things always are, but men everywhere began to evaluate their lives and the lives they had with women and found for all the tumult and the shouting, they were getting the fucking. Maybe women weren't paid as much, they'd admit that and the answer was to equalize wages but the stumbling ranch style was home where women, having been told by Oprah, Dr. Phil, Dr. Oz and a flotilla of other "advisors" that they were getting a raw deal, stand up, demand what they wanted. The only fly in that Latte was that women, at home, weren't really sure what they wanted. If they didn't want children, why did they have them in the first place? If they only married their men because all the other girls were, whose fault was that? Sure, he could've said, no, perhaps should have but he was in love with her. Wanted her to bear his children, wanted to provide a home and family and now, according to all the advice they'd been given, they thought that wasn't what they really wanted. And that included sex.

It didn't take long for women to find out what men were doing for sex and it wasn't hard to discover, they were told. More over, they were told that sex with a guy was great, felt better than they did, didn't deny them six our of seven nights and went waaaay beyond what she'd ever do. If the wife snorted and said something like, "I'll bet", they were told precisely what they'd done which caused the lady to sit rather abruptly on something. Their answer that, of course, they wouldn't do it, that was degrading to women. Okay said the guys, we're doing you a favor, we're not degrading you when we do it and we're having a great time. We're coming home to you, the bills are paid and you're not degrading into having sex with a dirty, rotten man who does nothing but demean you. You wanted something like this, all your two dimensional buddies told you this is what you wanted and now....you've got it.

The sex really was great and it was guilt free as no one felt they were cheating on anyone. For those gay couples who were monogamous, terrific, this had nothing to do with them. This was about men who wanted their own form of equality that they thought they'd got when they married. Too many could remember times when the little cock tease had used the trite expression, "When we're married....". What a load of bullshit that was. Once they'd had children, their use as a sperm donor disappeared except to other guys who loved that sperm, couldn't get enough of it where ever it might be made available. You could now have a quickly if you were feeling horny in the mens can at the office or the warehouse or the barracks or wherever there were men. And if a man wasn't interested, fine, this was personal choice and one they'd made.

A year or so later Bill and Jerry were sitting in Bill's garage watching the little woman get out a tree stump. Even applauded when it came free.
"Ya know buddy, this was one fuckin' fine idea. Hey, ever tried to 69 a guy laying on your side through a picket fence?"