Little Brother

It had been a beautiful day, the best in every way, but come nightfall, the demons that had been lurking in the shadows came out and destroyed everything. Jacob had spent most of the day with Zach, riding bikes, playing in Buchanan Creek, and hanging out at Crockford’s General Store, drinking sodas too sweet and eating junk food. Then they rode to Ethan’s house and played video games with Tyler and him until phone calls summoned them home for dinner.

Jacob had rode home feeling good about the day, how his inner desires had not surfaced, this aspect that made him feel different. But he had been with his friends, allowing him to rarely think of it. It had been such a good day it should have faded into memory as just another, the details soon lost to time. But it would not end that way, and every detail of this day would haunt his memories and influence his life for years to come.

At dinner, everyone was around the table in their usual place. He on the back side of the table where it sat near the wall, his dad at one end and Joshua, his oldest brother, at the other. On the other side sat his mother and Julie, his sister, the youngest of the three of them. They ate quietly, only their parents talking in low voices to each other, as it was every night, their dad strict about eating in silence, not tolerating any foolishness, as he called it. Even though the night appeared just as all others, Jacob knew something was off, and it was to his left. Joshua forked food around on his plate and seemed to be forcing himself to eat. Even though he rarely looked up, Jacob had seen it in his eyes, a sadness and anxiousness that would explain itself soon enough.

Joshua was sixteen, two years older, and Jacob knew he was different, had been for at least two years. They had grown apart, not doing things together as much as they had and he considered it just Joshua being older and not wanting to hang out with him, a kid to him during the last two years. The difference in their ages was such a gap during this time. But in their bedroom, Joshua sitting on his bed, knee furiously bouncing up and down, Jacob knew this time it was different. He saw the darting eyes, unable to focus on any one place. The way Joshua seemed so nervous, to the point of looking scared, at times hands pushing down thighs then balling up in fists.

“Joshua? What is the matter?” asked Jacob, for he felt he had to ask.

“Nothing.”

“But I can see something is wrong. What is it?”

“Nothing!” Joshua barked, then his tone softened, and voice dropped so low Jacob could barely hear him. “Just let it go…okay?”

“Okay, but you can tell me,” said Jacob, wishing Joshua would confide in him. Tell him the secret that made him this way. Reveal the things that troubled him, and in doing so, maybe he could confide in him, tell him his own secret. One he was desperate to talk with someone about. He imagined it, the scenario where Joshua would reveal his secret, then he could reveal his.

“Jacob, I need you to stay in here,” Joshua uttered, as he came to his feet.

“What?”

“Just stay in here for now. Please…little brother.”

It caught Jacob up short the way Joshua called him that, something he had not done in two years. He nodded his head. “Okay, Josh, I’ll stay in here, but will you…”

Joshua did not wait for him to finish, simply easing out of their room, closing the door behind him.

Through the door he heard Joshua descend the stair, then nothing for a minute, maybe longer. Then he heard their father. Yelling, questions about what Joshua thought he was doing, how could he and was this his decision, and Jacob wondered what it was Joshua had done, what decision could illicit such a response from their father. He heard their mother cry out ‘no’ and Joshua’s voice, stammering, muffled with crying, the words too weak to reach the upper floor and penetrate the walls. Then he heard footsteps coming up the stair, heavy, each footfall a stomping down, loud, seeming to shake the entire house. The door flew open and their father stood in the doorway for a second staring at Jacob as if he had not expected him to be there.

“What’s going on? What is happening?” Jacob asked, on the verge of tears, scared at what he had heard, but more scared about not understanding it.

“Shut it. And stay up here until I tell you to come down,” his father barked, then stormed to their closet, jerking out Joshua’s duffel bag, unzipping it roughly, pulling out the baseball jersey and mitt, tossing them on the floor. He looked in the closet, then back at Jacob.

“Which clothes are Joshua’s?”

“What?”

“Don’t ask questions; which clothes are Joshua’s?”

“The ones on the left to that blue sport coat.”

Jacob watched his father grab handfuls of clothes and stuff them in the duffel bag, some still on hangers. Then he went to their dresser and looked back at Jacob, eyes so stern and furious, Jacob dared not question him again.

“The top two drawers.”

Underwear, socks, wallet, and the roll of money that Joshua had stashed in the top drawer were stuffed in the duffel bag, but it was the way that Joshua’s cell phone and keys were pocketed, instead of being put in the duffel bag that made Jacob begin to cry, unable to hold back any longer.

He watched their father storm out, a hatred seething within, for he knew what was happening. The descent of the stair then the yelling, occasionally interrupted by their mother, but Joshua’s voice didn’t’ sound out again. He heard the front door open, and the yelling was on the porch. He knew not to do it, but he had to see, moving to the window, and looking down. He saw Joshua walking away, duffel bag over one shoulder. He watched him go out to the road, then head south toward Hartsville, nearly five miles away. The moonlight turned Joshua into a dark silhouette that seem to fade into the darkness until he was gone. Simply gone.

Thirty minutes later, Julie sat next to their mother, Rachel, on the sofa and Jacob was in the armchair opposite their father, Daniel Hammond. It was obvious all except Daniel had been crying. He was the head of the household, the ruler of his domain, and what he said was law.

“I want everyone to understand Joshua had to leave. He is no longer a part of this family.”

“But daddy…” Julie began, tears streaming down her face.

“That’s enough!” barked Daniel. “He made a choice and has to live with it, and after tonight I don’t want to hear you speak his name. Is that clear?”

No one responded, the room silent except for Julie’s crying.

“Is that clear?” Daniel barked, demanding an answer.

“Yes, sir,” Jacob replied, struggling to keep his anger in check.

When nothing else was said, Jacob left the room, went upstairs to his bedroom, and closed the door, locking it, even though their father had said to never let him find one locked.

Joshua woke late the next morning, surprised at being allowed to sleep in. He rolled over to face Joshua’s empty bed and the reminder of what had happened the night before. He stared at the bed, blanket neatly tucked and straight along the mattress, and felt a tear slide down his cheek. It was unfathomable, Joshua being gone already. He knew the day would come, in two or three years when Joshua would leave, but not now. And he felt he knew the reason, the thing not said last night, forbidden to be brought up. The secret Joshua had kept until last night, revealing it to their family and being thrown out because of it. He rolled to his back and stared at the sloping ceiling over his bed and wondered how he would endure the next four years until he could leave. He was only fourteen and knew he could never survive on his own, not now.

Climbing out of bed, moving quietly around the room, not wanting anyone to hear him, he dressed in shorts and a t-shirt, grabbed up his wallet, keys and cell phone. He held the phone for a second, tempted to toss it back down on the dresser. But he did not want his mother to worry if she needed to get him, and he slipped it in his pocket. Easing out, he carried his shoes in his hand, knowing bare feet on the stair were quieter. He heard his mother in the kitchen but smelled no food cooking. He glanced into the living room and saw Julie sitting on the sofa, the television on, but turned down so low she could not be possibly watching it. He eased the back door open and slipped out, grabbing up his bike as he crossed the porch. He sat on the concrete steps and put his shoes on as quickly as he could, jumped on his bike and began to pedal, furiously pumping his legs, as he raced down the drive to the highway. He turned south and began to ride.

Pedaling steadily, burning up his energy and his frustrations, he tried to make sense of it. Worked backward, thinking of how Joshua had changed over the last two years, then replaying the events of the night before over and over until a horn blew from behind and he realized he was close to the centerline riding into Hartsville. Riding south, he came to the end of the road where it hit Home Avenue and turned right. He rode through downtown then headed west on Sumter, until in the neighborhood he sought. Turning left, then right he made his way to the small brick house with a porch just large enough to cover its front door. In the drive an old Toyota and a Honda motorcycle. He was glad to see the motorcycle, for it meant Sean was home.

Stomach knotted up and growling with hunger, he laid his bike down by the sidewalk and went to the door. He rang the doorbell and stepped back. He heard movement inside, the barking of a dog, some small breed by the sound of it, then the door swung open, revealing Sean.

“Jacob? What are you doing here?” Sean was surprised to see him, which meant Joshua was not there. It was the one place Jacob just knew Joshua would have come. Sean was his best friend, had been since first grade, but it was obvious Joshua had gone elsewhere.

“Can we talk…in private?”

Sean’s expression changed, a frown, then a sadness, and Jacob saw that Sean knew.

“Okay, let me get my shoes on. Ride over to the cemetery and I’ll meet you there.”

Jacob nodded, then stepped off the porch. He knew which cemetery without asking, for a couple of blocks away was the old historic one which they had roamed on more than one occasion, reading the old markers.

Sitting on the ground under a large oak, Jacob watched Sean walk across the street and head to where he sat. He did not get up when Sean strolled up, head down, his mannerism looking defeated.

“What happened?” Sean asked before Jacob could say anything. Jacob needed to know. He needed to know everything, and he leaned back against the tree and looked up at Sean.

“I think you know what happened. Have you seen Joshua, last night or this morning?”

A hand rubbed over the short black hair. Sean hesitated, then shook his head.

“Tell me.”

“Tell you what? What do you want to know?”

“Everything.”

“Maybe that is not for you to know.”

“But he was…is my brother. Goddamn it, tell me,” Jacob exclaimed, his voice the harshest it had ever been in front of Sean and he saw him flinch.

“Okay.” Defeated, suddenly so very tired, Sean eased to the ground in front of Jacob. “He had been struggling lately, this keeping of secrets. It tore him up inside and…”

“He was gay.”

Sean nodded his head.

“What about you?”

“Yes…we were…”

“Boyfriends.”

“You can’t tell, not anyone,” Sean looked up, tears trickling down his cheeks.

“I won’t, but why did he have to tell our father?”

“I begged him not to do it. He was going to do it last weekend, and I thought…Jacob he told me he was okay and wouldn’t do it. Why did he do it?”

“I don’t know. Do you know where he would go?”

“Jacob…he broke up with me yesterday. Told me…told me it wouldn’t work between us, and I needed to find someone else. Jesus, the way he sprang it on me. I was so pissed, I told him fine, to go. I told him to get the hell off my porch. Fuck, why did I say that?”

“He did it deliberately; pushed you away. He knew what could happen.”

“I have no idea where he would go.”

Jacob raised his knees, wrapped his arms around them, then rest his head on top, crying, uncaring how it looked to Sean. A boy who thought of himself grown up, no longer a little kid, but he cried like he had not done in a long time. Sean moved next to him, putting an arm around his shoulder.

“Fuck…Jacob I don’t know what to say.”

“I know.”

They sat under the tree in silence. Jacob stopped crying and the two of them watched cars motor past and kids on bicycles circle around the cemetery, neither saying anything for the longest.

“Jacob?”

“Yes?”

“I’m going to ask you something and you have to promise not to freak out, okay?”

“Okay.”

“It’s just…Joshua said he thought…he believed you were gay too.”

Jacob turned to Sean and smiled, nodding his head. “Yes.”

“Holy fuck…Jesus. What are you going to do? You can not say anything to your old man. Jesus.”

“Sean, I’m not, but come my eighteenth birthday, I’m fucking gone. I’m not staying in that house a minute longer than I have to.”

“What are you going to do?”

“I’m going to college. I‘ve got the grades and, and…I just need to stay focused and start looking for scholarships to apply for when the time is right.”

“Joshua said you’d be the one to make it.”

“What?”

“He always thought you were the stronger of the two of you, and you would be the one to escape.”

“But I don’t know if I can if I don’t find him.”

“Have you eaten breakfast? Or did you sneak out?”

“Snuck out and no, no breakfast.”

“Ride back to my house. You’ve always wanted to ride the motorcycle, so let’s ride over to the Hardee’s for a biscuit. My treat. Then we can search around town for Joshua.”

They rode all day, stopping only for a quick sandwich at a deli. They rode down 4th street, circling the shopping centers and other businesses, then rode up 5th back into town. They circled the high school, the parks, and places Sean would not discuss. There had been no sign of Joshua. Nothing. Not even calls to other friends yielded any results.

Jacob rode home late in the day, getting home just in time for dinner, his mother putting it on the table. He was heading to the stair when she stopped him.

“Did you find him?”

He shook his head and walked away, unable to utter a word.

The next day, he rode his bike in North Hartsville, Woodbridge and around the campus of Coker. He even rode to Sand Hills, knowing it was futile. Then he rode to Zach’s house, not knowing where else to go, but knowing it was not home.

“Where have you been?” Zach exclaimed as soon as he opened the door. “Get in here and tell me what in the hell is going on.”

Jacob followed Zach to his room, sitting on the bed while Zach sat in his desk chair, spinning around to face him. With television turned up so no one could hear them, Zach leaned in close.

“Everyone says Joshua has run off. Is that true?”

“No. Our father threw him out.” The anger was there, the seething, roiling nature of it, and Zach sat back, wide eyed.

“Why?”

Jacob knew he was about to find out if Zach would remain his friend. “He told them he was gay.”

“No shit. Oh man. What about Sean? There were inseparable?”

“Leave Sean out of it.”

Zach stared at Jacob for a minute, neither saying anything, then he rolled closer till Jacob could see the faceted green of his eyes.

“Did you know?  Before hand?”

“No.”

“You think he’ll come back?”

“No. I looked all over for him and…nothing.”

“Do you think your father was right? To throw him out like that?”

“What? NO! Do you?” There it was, the challenge. He braced himself for Zach’s response.

“No, of course not. But I know that church your dad takes you too is a bit strict.”

“So, you’re okay with someone being gay?”

Zach smiled, leaned back, looking at Jacob. “I’m okay with it. And if you want to tell me, now would be okay.”

“Huh?”

“I’ve seen your search history. About a month ago.”

“No…you did?”

“Yes.”

“Why didn’t you say something?”

“I figured you would tell me when you’re ready.”

“You won’t tell anyone, will ya?”

“After what happened with Joshua? Hell, no. But just so you know, and you did not hear this from me, but Tyler is too. Ethan found a few images printed off and stashed under his mattress.”

“Tyler…Tyler Underwood?”

“Oh, come on, don’t act so surprised.”

“So, Ethan is okay with it?”

“Yes, and we’ve talked about whether or not to approach you guys. But we were not sure.”

“After the last two days, I think we should talk to Tyler. Zach, it can be…lonely.”

Jacob rode home, getting there just in time for dinner once again, this time giving his mother a shake of the head as he crossed the dining room to go upstairs to freshen up.

For the next three days, he rode his bike around the region, telling himself he was not still looking, even as he went to every place he knew to try. He avoided his father, spoke in low hushed tones to his mother and talked to Sean, then Zach on the phone late into the night. He saw his sister act out and knew it was because she had been closest to Joshua, and he wondered if he could ever fill that void.

On Tuesday morning, Jacob rode out early. He was meeting the guys along the way to Hartsville. His mother had slipped him money after he told her of their plans. They were riding to the Huddle House for breakfast, then spend the morning riding around town, until lunch, then they would hit one of the fast food joints on 4th Street. Zach was the first along the way, then the two of them rode the next mile down to King Hill Road where Ethan and Tyler waited. The four rode along the two-lane highway, passing each other, one taking the lead, then another. They rode side by side, talking about school starting in two weeks, of the latest video game to come out, wondering how long before it showed up in a store in Hartsville. But they avoided the subject of Joshua, and Jacob was mixed up about it. He did not want to talk about it, but he could not get it out of his mind. And he had seen how Tyler looked at him. Questioningly, some shared empathy he was trying to hide.

They had breakfast, then rode out for the Lawton Park on the lake. They raced through town, cutting through the neighborhoods till they were circling into the park. They sat under the gazebo watching some boys fish off the pier.

“Jacob? You want to tell Tyler what happened?” asked Ethan.

“Do you not know?” Jacob asked Tyler.

“I heard Joshua left, but Ethan or Zach will tell me what they know.”

Jacob spun around to face his friend, considering the physical boy before him. Like himself, Tyler was fourteen. He skinny as a rail, and average in height. He had red hair, freckles across the cheeks and green eyes. And for the first time, he saw the introverted nature of him, a shyness that had concealed much from him.

“He came out gay and dad threw him out of the house.”

“Oh…shit.”

“And I can’t find him; he’s gone,” Jacob added, fighting back the tears that threatened every time he thought of it.

“I’m sure he’ll come back,” Tyler replied, trying to sound positive.

“You weren’t there. Tyler, it was ugly, really ugly. No, I’m afraid my brother is gone.”

Tyler looked at Ethan, then over to Zach. “You guys know this?”

“Yes,” they replied in unison.

“What do you think about it…about Joshua being gay?” Tyler’s voice broke, a crack in the façade he had created, and Jacob saw it. Glancing to his left, he realized so did Ethan and Zach.

“That was no big deal. It was just a part of him. And it was wrong to throw him out,” replied Zach.

“I agree.”

Zach looked over at Jacob with the friendliest of expressions, the kind that would disarm a person. “Tell him.”

“Tell me what?” Tyler asked.

Jacob nodded at Zach, gave Ethan a knowing look, then turned to Tyler. “I’m gay too.”

“You are?”

“Yes.”

Ethan leaned forward, lowering his voice, “and I saw your stash; those photos you printed out and stuck under your mattress, and we know you are too.”

“What?” Tyler replied, suddenly facing the truth for the first time. “You found…”

“Oh yeah. One was sticking out from the mattress. This was about two months ago, and you had gone to the bathroom, I think…no, it was to the kitchen to get us something to drink. And I pulled it out, and a few others slipped out with it. Man, I was shocked. But Tyler…it’s okay. Really.”

“But we’re going to keep it from our parents,” said Jacob, wanting to stop Tyler from thinking he was going to get outed. “I have to, anyway, and I assume you do too. The church your parents go to is worse than the one my parents attend.”

“You got that right,” Tyler whispered. “So, we’re all good?”

“Definitely,” Zach replied.

“Yes. Now let’s ride to the store and see if that game has come in,” added Ethan.

There was no great shift in the friendships, no change in the way they joked with each other, or roughhoused around. For Jacob it was a lifeline, a way to deal with what had happened. Come the end of August the four boys entered ninth grade, avoiding the rumors about Joshua, and slipping into the routine for the school days to follow.

But at night, after retiring to bed, one or the other would make the call, and Jacob and Tyler would talk late into the night. They talked about being gay, their need to keep it hidden in their small town and more importantly from their parents. And they talked about futures that took them from this place, with opportunities to live their lives.

Six Months Later

Jacob raced out of the locker room, hair still wet, racing to get to English, his last class of the day. He hated having P.E. fifth period, and the rush to get to class that ensued. Backpack slung over his right shoulder, he rushed to the building on the east side of the campus following the sidewalk between the others. He turned a corner and saw Sean standing in the middle of the walk looking right at him.

“Hey,” Jacob breathed out when he came up close.

“Did you ride your bike to school?”

“Huh…no. Mom dropped me off.”

“She picking you up?”

“No, I’m to ride the bus home.”

“Meet me in the parking lot after class. I’ll give you a ride home,” Sean replied. As he walked away, he turned back, “I hope that isn’t your only coat?”

Jacob knew Sean rode his motorcycle everywhere, for it was his only transportation. And he had the jacket and pants to ride it even in January. The jacket Jacob wore was too light. He rushed into English, easing down next to Ethan, seeing the heavy coat slung over the back of the chair.

“Hey, how are you getting home?”

“Mom is picking me up.”

“Good…good…can we trade coats? I’ll bring it back to you in the morning.”

“Huh? Why?”

“Sean stopped me on the way to class. Wants to talk, so he is giving me a ride home.”

“On his motorcycle.”

“Yes.”

“Okay, here. I’ll tell mom I left it in my locker.”

“Wouldn’t be the first time,” Jacob joked as the teacher came into the room, calling the class to order.

Jacob tried to walk slowly, a casual gait like the others, but he found himself speeding up, anxious to get to the parking lot. He arrived at the eastern end of the long lot, and followed the sidewalk along its edge, looking for the blue motorcycle. Halfway down he spotted it, in the middle next to an island. Sean was already straddling it, suited up, helmet on, ready to ride. He angled across the parking lot toward him, slipping his backpack over both shoulders. Sean merely held out a helmet when he came upon him, and he put it on, climbed on the back and held on as Sean motored out of the parking lot and onto the street. East toward downtown, then north, cutting through the small university and over to the highway that would take them north. Once out of town, Sean sped up, racing up the highway making Jacob tighten his hold around him. They were about halfway to his home, when Sean slowed, then turned into the dirt parking lot of the Primitive Baptist Church. It was an old structure, white board and batten siding and a steep roof. There was no steeple or any other ornamental structure on its roof or adorning its front. The windows were old divided light windows with clear wavy glass that was just one more thing that revealed its age.

Sean pulled out away from the church, parking under a pine tree. He shut off the engine and removed his helmet as Jacob climbed off and walked a few steps away. Jacob turned back to him, seeing him still on the bike, staring back.

“So, what is this about?” Jacob asked.

Sean unzipped his coat, and reached in, pulling out a small envelope. He held it up, and even with the distance between them, Jacob could see it was Joshua’s handwriting.

“He wrote you?”

“And you. This one is yours.”

“What does it say,” Jacob asked, frozen in place, unbelieving what he was seeing.

“I don’t know what your letter says, and what is mine is between Joshua and me. Here, read it for yourself.”

Jacob found his legs, moved rigidly to Sean, holding out his hand. He took the envelope and stared at the front. Only his name was printed across it in Joshua’s sloppy handwriting. Tears pooled in his eyes, then trickled down his face. He ran his forearm across it then tore the envelope open.

Jacob,

By now I hope everything is settled down. I’m sure you went to Sean and now know the whole story, or most of it, anyway. I’m gay. And if I’m not wrong, I think you are too. You really need to lock your computer. I’m surprised one of your friends hasn’t found it.

Little brother, I’m sorry. I could not keep it secret any longer, but now know it was a mistake. Don’t make the same one. Keep quiet, finish school, then get to college. You can do it, I know it. I never would have made it to college, and we both know it. 

I hope you didn’t look for me, but I’m sure you did, riding that bike all over Hartsville. But I will admit, I hitched a ride that night, down to Florence, where I used as much money as I dared for a train ticket. I made it to Fayetteville. I’m working now, getting paid on the side. There was one of those rainbow flag stickers by the front door of this little tire shop, so I admitted to the owner what happened. He took pity on me and gave me a job. But he told me I had to get to Raleigh as fast as I could. There’s a youth center there that helps those of us thrown out by our parents. I’m saving up to head that way as soon as possible. I’m not giving you my address, at least not yet. Right now, I’m crashing in the storeroom at this tire repair shop (where I’m working). I’ll write Sean and you later, mailing it to him for obvious reasons.

Take care little brother and know I’m okay. 

Joshua.

Jacob’s hand shook as he folded the letter and slipped it back in the envelope. He wiped his eyes and looked at Sean with a smile.

“Don’t let anyone see that,” said Sean.

“I know.”

“Okay, get on. I’ll take you home.”

That night, Jacob called Zach. Although he didn’t tell him about receiving the letter, he talked to Zach about how he was feeling, what it was like to feel so isolated at times, this sense of being different, when he really didn’t feel it.

“You’re not different; not really,” Zach had replied, and he heard the sigh on the other end, knowing Zach didn’t fully understand and probably felt like he wasn’t helping, but he was helping just by listening.

Nineteen Months Later

 Jacob coasted up to the bike rack, excited and anxious as always for the first day of classes. He wondered what the year would be like but could only comprehend how much closer he was getting to graduation. Strolling up the sidewalk, heading to his first class, and the room that would act as homeroom, he fell in beside Tyler and Zach.

“Hey guys; where’s Ethan?”

“With Cindy in the parking lot,” Tyler replied. They laughed at how hard Ethan had fallen for her, spending most of the summer with her after they started dating last spring.

“You talk to Joshua?” asked Zach.

They knew Joshua and Jacob talked nearly every night after everyone had gone to bed. It was a connection Jacob had desperately needed and never allowed anything to interfere with it. Joshua had surprised them by getting to Raleigh faster than anticipated, when his boss in Fayetteville came to him a couple of weeks after starting, with a train ticket and a roll of bills that was far more than what he had earned, telling him to get going.

Once in Raleigh there was assistance by the youth center, helping him find a job that would hire a sixteen-year-old part time, and getting him back in school, to get his diploma. For the next twelve months, letters had gone to Sean, with a handoff at school or somewhere in town, as Joshua got on his feet. Then last spring, Joshua finally got a cellphone and the letters stopped, swapped for late night phone calls to Sean, then Jacob.

“Of course. Last night he said he would finish his course work this fall to get his diploma. You know he went all summer too. Then he’ll look for a full-time job.”

“What about Sean?”

“He’s at a college in Charlotte, and I think Joshua will move there once he gets his diploma, but he’s coy about it,” Jacob replied.  

“I can’t believe you’re still keeping it from your dad,” said Zach.

“Well, he still makes derogatory comments and…I’m not telling him. Mom even keeps it secret.”

“But Joshua and her still haven’t talked?”

“No. Something happened that night, some comment by mom that Joshua hasn’t been able to let go.”

A bell rang out, echoing between the buildings.

“Let’s get to class,” said Tyler pulling open the door to let the others enter first.

And thus, the boys started their eleventh grade.

After classes, they rode over to a fast food joint for a drink, hanging out in the dining area chatting with each other and their classmates who came in. Then they rode to Zach’s house to play video games. Ethan showed up shortly after their arrival, and the four of them paired off, challenging each other with game after game.

“Tell me again why you two don’t go out?” asked Ethan, looking at Tyler, then Jacob.

“We told you already,” Tyler replied, grinning while shaking his head.

“But you’re both gay, and…”

“And all the girls in the school not dating someone are available, so why didn’t you date each of them? They’re straight?” Tyler asked, wondering when Ethan would let it go.

“Besides, we have talked about it, and…” said Jacob, getting interrupted by Tyler.

“Don’t tell them that,” Tyler exclaimed, busting out laughing.

“Tell us what?” asked Zach.

Jacob looked at Tyler, then to Ethan and Zach, “Fuck it. About two weeks ago, when we were at Ethan’s and the two of you left the room, we sort of kissed.”

“Seriously? And?” Zach replied, he and Ethan sitting up and leaning in closer.

“And nothing.”

“Oh hell, tell them,” said Tyler.

“When our lips touched, we…sort of…”

“We started giggling, then laughing. It was like we were kissing our brother,” Tyler finished for Jacob.

“So, you two will not be dating,” said Ethan.

“Nope,” Jacob replied.

“Well, that sucks,” Zach mumbled.

“Why? You’re not dating anyone, and if you look around at our classmates, most are not either. We talked about it and know both of us need to leave this place.”

“For a lot of reasons,” said Tyler.

The next week, the guys in the cafeteria, seated around a table with other friends, they were talking animatedly, like most of the others, until the room was a hum of white noise. Then there was a crash of a tray to the floor, followed by laughing.

Jacob and Tyler looked up, looking over Zach and Ethan to see Reilly standing in an aisle, arms hanging at his sides, with an expression of fear. His tray lay on the floor, food scattered down the aisle as Tony, Sam and Brad were circling him, taunting him with slurs.  At first what they were saying was too low for Jacob and Tyler to hear, then the three bullies grew louder in their chants.

“Faggot. Dick sucker. We saw you looking at us in the shower room. Queer.”

Zach tried to grab Jacob’s arm as he jumped up and stormed around the table. He ran down to where the boys were standing, as Ethan, Zach and Tyler raced after him. They were too late, seeing him shove Tony, the loudest and nastiest of the three. Tony went down into the food on the floor. Sam took a swing at him, catching his shoulder, knocking him back. Zach had meant to stop it, but when he saw Jacob spin around, he turned on Sam. Taller, stronger, Zach towered over Sam, and his first punch put him on the floor.

Suddenly the principal and several teachers were pulling them apart, telling them to calm down, then directing them to head to the principal’s office.

Principal Harris sat behind his desk, looking from Reilly, to Zach, to Jacob. He glanced out the window, making sure the other three boys were still in the waiting area. Tony, Sam, and Brad were sitting next to each other, looking sheepishly from one to the other. Turning his attention to Reilly, he sighed, frustrated with the stupidity of it all. He seen how far too many of the other students did not have anything to do with him. He was not part of the inner group, someone who had been here since elementary school. He arrived last year, having moved up from Florida, and he was introverted, a shy boy who was a target for those looking for the ones deemed weak. And he knew the bullies were often repeating what they heard at home, so calling in the parents sometimes made it worse, but policy was policy. His secretary was out front calling them now, and he knew the one he dreaded more than any other was Jacob’s dad, Mr. Hammond. The rumors about Joshua still roiled him, and now to have the other boy in his office standing up to bullies was a bit of irony he could have done without.

“Reilly, tell me what happened.”

Reilly was staring down at his hands in his lap, not answering for a long, few seconds, then with a quivering voice, he began to talk.

“He just came up and knocked my tray out of my hands and…”

“Who did?”

“Oh…Tony…Tony knocked the tray out of my hands and then Brad and Sam joined him in calling me names.”

“Is this the first time they have bullied you?”

Reilly shook his head, but kept it down not looking up.

“Will you tell me what happened before?”

Reilly finally looked up and everyone could see how pale he appeared.

“They knock my books out of my hands, mess with my locker and…and…”

“Tell him,” Jacob whispered, and Reilly looked over seeing Jacob and Zach nodding their heads.

“They mess with me in the bathroom and in P.E.”

“In P.E.? Didn’t the coach do something?”

“He told me to toughen up.”

“Son of a bitch,” Jacob whispered, and Principal Harris ignored it, for he thought the same thing.

“I’ll have a word with the coach. That was not right. In the future, I want you to let me know of anything that happens, so I can stop it.”

A commotion in the reception area, then Mr. Hammond’s voice, loud, gruff.

“Where’s that son of mine?”

Everyone in Principal Harris’ office looked out and saw Zach’s father standing to one side, two of the other boy’s fathers standing in front of their sons and Jacob’s father storming toward the principal’s door.

“Asshole,” Jacob muttered, loud enough for everyone in the office to hear.

“Reilly, you can leave, and I’ve instructed the lunch staff to hold a lunch for you, so go down and eat something. It should be quiet now. Take your father and I’ll come down in a few minutes.”

“Yes, sir,” Reilly replied. He opened the door to leave and Mr. Hammond stormed into the room. Once the doorway was clear, he slipped out quietly.

“I want to know what you’ve done?” Mr. Hammond barked at Jacob.

“Mr. Hammond, if you could take a seat, and I’ll get Mr. Bryson to join us,” said Principal Harris.

Mr. Bryson, Zach’s dad sat to the side. Mr. Hammond sat next to Jacob, giving him looks of displeasure. Principal Harris waited a few seconds, then began.

“One of the students was being bullied and Jacob and Zach stepped in to help. There was some pushing and fist thrown, and…”

“Boy, I told you not to get into fights,” Mr. Hammond barked at Jacob.

The principal saw it, the seething, the fury, as Jacob’s face redden. “I think we can agree Jacob and Zach went a little too far, but their intention was good. Someone should stand up to…”

“Why were those other boys bullying this student?” asked Mr. Hammond.

“What?” Principal Harris asked, shocked at the question.

“Daniel, what does it matter?” James Bryson asked.

“Why?” Mr. Hammond asked again. Principal Harris had determined he was not answering the question. He would not give Mr. Hammond the satisfaction. But he miscalculated Jacob’s fury.

“Because they thought he was gay, and therefore it was okay to bully him,” Jacob barked, causing Mr. Hammond to jerk back. Then the equal fury of the father rose, and everyone saw how the animosity that had been building was boiling over.

“If that boy is a faggot, then he needed to be straightened out.”

Jacob rounded on his father, red faced, furious, “You’re impossible. You think it is okay to gang up on someone and beat the shit out of him because he does not fit in your narrowminded view of the world. Jesus…”

“Don’t use the Lord’s name…”

“Spare me the sermon.”

“Okay, okay, let’s settle down,” Principal exclaimed, standing up to gain some control in the room. “Mr. Hammond, we don’t tolerate bullying in the school and…”

“But you promote some homosexual agenda?”

“Now wait a minute, this is…”

“I’ve heard enough. What’s the boy’s punishment?”

“I was going to expel them but in light of recent events I think two days detention sufficient.”

Mr. Hammond stood up, rounded on Jacob, pointing a finger into his face, “we’ll discuss this when you get home.” Then he stormed out.

Mr. Bryson stood, visibly shaken. “Zach, I…I’ll see you when you get home. Jacob, anytime you need to stay at our house, you’re welcome,” and the invitation was not lost on anyone. A way for Jacob to avoid his father for a time.

“Zach, go on, get to class. Jacob, stay a second,” Principal Harris asked, after Mr. Bryson left the room. Zach eased out.

“Sir?”

“I’m sorry. I don’t know what has been going on at your home since Joshua…if there is anything you need, or if you ever need to talk, my door is open.”

Jacob softened, the fight going out of him and he nodded his head. “Thanks. But I’m afraid you can’t help.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Principal Harris, I’m gay too, like my brother and when I tell that man who is my father, it’ll be the last thing I say to him before I leave this place.”

Principal Harris was stunned at the admission, never suspecting Jacob was like his brother. “I see. Your friends know this?”

“Yes.”

“Good.”

Jacob stayed at Zach’s for the next two days, both staying after school in detention, then riding their bicycles to his place. On the third afternoon, Jacob found his father silent, willing to ignore the situation, like so much else. The truce created an environment that was fragile, ready to collapse with the slightest provocation.

At school, the four boys pulled Reilly into their group, defiantly challenging anyone who made comment on it. They invited him to Ethan or Zach’s homes, were video games were played until called home for dinner, or they rode bicycles all over the town. And for days, they did not press Reilly about the taunts by Tony, Sam, and Brad. But one Saturday afternoon, holed up in Ethan’s bedroom playing video games, Jacob fell back on the bed after losing to Tyler, handing the controller to Ethan. He looked over to Reilly and saw him smiling, joking with Tyler on the way he won the game.

“Reilly?”

“Yes, Jacob?”

“Can I ask you something?”

Reilly fell still, his expression worried.

“No, don’t panic, I’m just curious and…”

“You want to know if it is true? Am I gay?”

“Yes,” Jacob replied, the others sitting still and silent, waiting to see if Reilly replied.

“No, I’m not. But what if I was?”

Ethan, then Zach giggled and the other three looked at them shocked.

“What’s so funny?” asked Jacob.

“It’s just…we would have been outnumbered.”

“Huh?” Reilly replied.

“Tell him,” said Ethan.

“Jacob and I are gay,” Tyler exclaimed, looking at Reilly. “Are you okay with it?”

Reilly looked at Tyler, then at Jacob. “Seriously? Both of you?”

“Yes,” Jacob replied. “Do you have a problem with it?”

“No, no, not at all. Does anyone else know?”

“No, and we need to keep it that way.”

“I understand. I heard about your father,” Reilly replied, looking at Jacob. “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure; fair is fair. Ask away,” Jacob replied.

“Are Tyler and you boyfriends?”

Ethan and Zach’s laughter exploded, filling the room and echoing through the house.

It was Thanksgiving weekend, and Jacob had endured the family dinner on Thursday, and being stuck inside all day on Friday as it drizzled rain. It was made worse by his friends being out of town visiting family or in Zach’s case, a small vacation at Myrtle Beach for the weekend. So, on Saturday morning, the sun shining in a clear sky, he pulled out his bike and began to ride.

 With earphones in, he dialed Joshua. It rang three times then his brother’s voice.

“Hey, little brother.”

“Hey, you know you should stop calling me that. I’m taller than you.”

“Not going to happen. But what’s up? I’m in the stock room so I can’t talk long.”

“You got the extra shift?”

“Yep.”

“I was just calling to say hello and see how you’re doing.”

“I’m good. Sean is coming the second week of December for a week before going home for Christmas.”

“His parents okay with that. I mean, won’t they figure it out?”

“He told them yesterday. And guess what? They didn’t freak out like our father. They are a bit upset but he said they seemed to understand.”

“Wow: can’t imagine.”

“Tell me about it. Hey, I have to go. I’ll call you tonight.”

“Okay.”

Cellphone switched to music; Jacob rode south. He cut through town, down to the Hardee’s for a biscuit, sitting inside to eat. Watching the other patrons, he wondered how many would be like his parents, capable of tossing out a child, and he frowned by his assumption. He wadded up the wrapper, stood in front of the trash finishing the last of the soda, then tossing the empty cup, and headed out. He rode north to Railroad Avenue and headed east. About a mile out of town, the road ended into W Billy Farrow Highway and he turned right, heading toward Darlington. It was about fourteen miles, an easy ride on the bike, and he gripped the handlebars and began to pump his legs at a steady pace, the exertion, the flex of his muscles felt good. A release that also eased the tension he felt.

Crossing 401, he rode into the north side of Darlington. He made his way across that side of downtown then headed north, trying to remember which road would carry him to the park. A couple of wrong turns, he eventually found himself at the park’s entrance. He rode the dirt paths that weaved through the woods, until he came to the bridge at the east end, and he rode to its north side crossing Swift Creek. After a few boardwalks, he rounded a curve and came upon a guy about his own age walking toward him. Unable to keep himself from sizing the guy up, he recognized him as one of the baseball players on Darlington’s high school team. The first basemen to be exact.

They had played last spring, and he had gotten on base in the bottom of the fifth inning. Leading by only a point, they really wanted another score and he felt sure they would get it. After making it to third base, Bill struck out bringing the inning to an end. But what he remembered most was the way the other players, the second and third basemen and one of the players in the outfield taunted him, kept up a derisive banter. But the first baseman had not been like that, instead making a few brief comments about his hit, then stepping over ready for the next hit. And while he stood with one foot on the base, he saw the eyes had kept glancing over, looking at him.

Now those eyes were on him again, he rode up and on past, giving the guy a quick look and nod of acknowledgment.

“Hey! Wait!”

Jacob grabbed at the brakes and stopped sideways on the trail, looking back at the approaching guy.

“You’re from Hartsville.”

“Yes.”

“You’re on the baseball team.”

“Yes,” Jacob replied once again, not sure where the conversation was heading.

“You…just out riding around?”

“Yep. I wanted out of town and away from everyone, so I rode over here.”

“I get it. I rode here but locked my bike up at the parking lot so I could just stroll through.”

“I’m just looking for new places to ride.”

“Have you ridden in Pee Dee?” referring to the wildlife preserve to the east of town.

“No. My friends and I talked about it, but never made the ride over.”

“I was going to eat an early lunch and ride out. You want to ride with me?”

“Yes, sure, you can show me around.”

“I’m JT.”

“JT?”

“Jonathan Thomas, but call me JT.”

“Okay; I’m Jacob,” climbing off his bike to walk back with him.

They strolled the trail talking about their baseball seasons, how Darlington had struggled last spring and Hartsville was ranked four in the state. From baseball they shifted to families and friends, what each liked to do in their spare time, eventually comparing video games they enjoyed. At the parking lot, JT unlocked his bike and slipped on his helmet.

“I was going to the Race House. Is that good with you?”

“The Race House?”

“The diner in downtown. I like their Chicken Teriyaki. Come on, let’s go there; my treat.”

Seated at a two-top along the front wall, the window curtained off along the lower section, they ordered a drink and food. Jacob felt a little uneasy, with the way so many knew JT, having called out to him as they entered. He saw the looks, the locals wondering about the boy with him.

“Jacob, are you a senior this year?”

“No, I’m in the eleventh grade.”

“Really, I assumed…doesn’t matter.”

“You’re a senior?”

“Yes,” JT replied, then leaned forward lowering his voice, “and I can’t wait to get out of here.”

“I’m counting the days myself.”

“Are you going to college when you graduate?”

“Yes, and you?”

“Clemson.”

“Sounds great.”

“Jacob, don’t you have an older brother? Josh or Jake or…”

“Joshua.”

“I guess he’s in college by now.”

Jacob froze, unsure how to respond. He glanced around the room, feeling like he was being watched, even though it was obvious that was not the case.

“I’m sorry, is something wrong?”

Jacob had avoided the topic in his own high school, nearly getting into fights at times, but he was tired of avoiding the subject, of making it seem as if Joshua had done something wrong. He leaned back, suddenly defiant.

“Joshua told our parents he’s gay and they threw him out.”

“OH shit. When did this happen?”

“Over two years ago.”

“Damn,” JT uttered, his eyes looking around the room to their side.

“You have a problem with it? Joshua being gay?”

“No, but…that is not something to bring up here.”

“Tell me about it. I live in Hartsville remember.”

“Where did he go?”

“Raleigh.”

“So, you’re in contact with him?”

Jacob nodded, suddenly weary of the whole conversation. They sat quiet as their food was placed in front of them.

“Let’s eat then take off,” JT uttered as he picked up his fork.

“JT?”

“Yeah,” holding forked chicken up to his mouth.

“I’m gay too.”

They rode to the northeast on Cashua Ferry Road, keeping single file so the traffic could pass them. Jacob still was not sure how JT felt about his confession, but for him, it had been refreshing. To just say it and see if the other person could accept it or not. JT had sat surprised, then stammering how it was okay, he did not have a problem, going on about how it was a shock that Joshua and he were both gay. Jacob could see how it looked but wondered if that was all there was too it.

When they passed a fire station, traffic thinned out and they could ride side by side for long stretches. Jacob kept playing over their conversation in the diner, how JT seemed shocked at first but after a minute, seemed to relax, eventually smiling as he rattled on how he thought it wasn’t a choice and was a part of a person.

“Have you ridden up here much?”

“Yeah, mostly in the summertime. There are roads into people’s houses and roads that must be just for fire access, but you can ride for a long time and not cover half of it.”

They cross the river and turned off on a narrow lane that headed north. They rode hard for an hour, running parallel with the river, cutting through older growth woods and newer plantings. JT stopped at a fork and when Jacob rode up, he nodded to his left.

“Let’s go this way. It leads down to the river.”

It was a short ride, not more than a few hundred feet and they came down to the Pee Dee. Bikes dropped down on the ground they made their way to the river’s bank, then upstream.

“Have you been with a boy?” JT asked, the question surprising Jacob.

“No,” Jacob finally answered. “Never been kissed,” he added, chuckling at the way it sounded, something most boys would not admit.

“Really,” JT replied, his voice low.

The silence between them became awkward, and they moved further up the river. They made their way along the river, working around trees, eroded sections of the bank, and slick exposed sections, that made them swing out. Back at their bikes, Jacob realized the time, knowing he had a long ride to get home.

“Hey, we need to head back. I need to be home by six.”

“Okay,” JT replied, and he hesitated in getting on his bike. Instead he watched Jacob straddle his bike, who look over wondering why he was not doing the same. JT moved quickly to Jacob and kissed him, a quick touch of lips, and he stepped back, looking sheepish.

“Oh…you….”

“I don’t know. Maybe?” JT looked up smiling, and Jacob could see the anxiousness, an unease in JT, like he was not comfortable in his own skin.

“I’ve really got to head back, but would you want to get together next weekend? Maybe do something?”

“Yes, I’d like that.”

“Give me your number,” Jacob asked as he took out his cellphone. They traded numbers, and when JT looked up, Jacob leaned over and kissed him for real, letting his lips linger in their contact, and he felt JT push back. “Dammit, I really need to go,” he whispered when they finally broke the contact.

“I know. Maybe we can ride next Saturday…and hang out?”

“Plan on it,” Jacob replied.

Jacob lay on his bed, fingers moving over his cellphone as fast as possible. He was replying to JT, a text message in a long line of messages that had begun around nine that night. It was nearly eleven, lights out so his parents would think he had turned in for the night. He was so excited to be talking to JT, a boy that seemed to like him, that he overlooked the comments that had doubt in them, those that made references to religious teachings he couldn’t be bothered with, after what happened with Joshua. He pushed passed them, telling JT to do the same, to just let himself do what he wanted for once. At nearly the midnight hour, they finally said good night and laid phones to the side to try to get some sleep.

Come Monday morning, Jacob came back into his room, toweling dry his hair. He needed to get ready for school. He picked up his phone to lay it with his backpack and wallet and saw a message from JT. At first, he thought he misread it, but upon opening the message, he saw he had read it correctly.

I’m sorry.

It did not make sense, for there had been no argument the night before. He typed out a text asking what was wrong, why the message about being sorry, and hit send. It came back immediately JT had blocked him. He sat on the bed, dumbfounded. Feeling short of breath, he tried to think of a way to get through to JT, but then knew. The comments the night before, those about doubts and guilt at teachings of his church, and he tossed the phone on his bed, knowing JT was pushing him away, afraid to pursue anything with him.

At the school, bike secured, Jacob made his way toward the building when he saw Tyler coming from the bus drop-off. He raced up next to him, falling in step as they approached the building.

“Can we talk?”

“Sure, what about?” Tyler asked.

“Not here.”

Jacob led Tyler to their homeroom, knowing it would be empty, everyone waiting till the last minute to enter. Taking a seat at the very back, motioning Tyler to do the same, he saw the worried look, Tyler knowing something was up.

“Okay, what happened?” Tyler asked.

“Do you remember that first baseman for Darlington?”

“How could I forget the way you went on and on about him. He was cute. Why?” Tyler asked, then his expression changed, eyes going wide. “Noooo.”

“I ran into him Saturday while out riding my bike.”

“Did you ride to Darlington?”

“Yes, and we crossed paths in that park on the north side of town. He invited me to lunch and…we got to talking and he asked about Joshua, and I told him. Everything. And I thought he had reacted negatively in some way, so I told him I was gay too.”

“No way; what did he say.”

“Nothing really; just he was okay with it. Then we rode over to Pee Dee and when getting ready to head back...he kissed me.”

“Really?”

“But he seemed torn about it. This I realized later. We talked yesterday and he kept expressing these doubts and religious judgments. But he would move past it, so I did not think much of it. Then this morning he text me he is sorry, then blocks my number.”

“He can’t deal with it?”

“No. I was upset at first, but after what happened with Joshua, I can’t bring myself to be mad at him. I want to ride to Darlington and ask him what his problem is, but I know what he needs to hear is I’d support him no matter what. But Tyler, I know neither is an option. I have to let him go. Right?”

“At this point, probably. What if you confront him and it blows up? Then both of you are outed to your parents. You can’t afford that; not now.”

“I know. If this was in a year or so…I just needed to get it off my chest. Going to him now would be a huge mistake and I know it.”

Tyler leaned back and looked at Joshua. “You’re different now.”

“What?”

“Before you would try to make a scene, push from some closure, but now? You’re willing to let go and move on.”

“Whatever, but…I can’t become some tormentor to him. It’s bad enough as it is.”

Movement up front caught their eye and they saw three classmates enter the room, then four more. The bell rung and they knew the room would soon be full.

The school year progressed, with Jacob biding his time. There were late night phone calls with Joshua, evenings and weekends with his friends, and on occasion, long bike rides through the countryside surrounding Hartsville. But he never rode back to Darlington. Fall progressed into winter. Joshua moving to Charlotte to be near Sean, high school diploma in hand. Baseball practice started, Jacob debating whether, or not to play, in the end letting Zach talk him into not quitting. Spring arrived and with it the excitement of the end of the school year nearing. The prom that seemed so important to most of the class, but Jacob and Tyler skipped it, instead hanging out at his home playing video games. The baseball team played all their usual rivals, including Darlington.  JT had not climbed out of the team bus, and Jacob knew he had skipped the game with them with some excuse. He wanted to be angry about it, but instead he felt sorry for JT.

Then Summer finally arrived. He had pursued acceptance at different colleges, began filling out for scholarships and student loans, anything to free him of his parents. He had to have his plan worked out, the details set, and once in place, he relaxed with the knowledge his father would not do to him what had been done to Joshua.

Summer rolled into fall and the start of a new school year: this Jacob’s last. Along with his friends and classmates, Jacob fell into the routine of classes, biding his time, waiting, plotting each move required to free him. When the guidance counselor called him in for his consultation and discuss his plans for the future, he came prepared, laying out the scholarships applied for, the one received, the applications to colleges, and his synopsis for going next summer entering civil engineering. The guidance counselor sat stunned at the thoroughness of his plan, the things already in place.

For Jacob, it gave him a happiness to know he had a plan, to know the future lay in front of him filled with possibilities. His only regret was his personal life of not being like so many of his classmates, able to date, have a boyfriend, and the experiences associated with it.

The school year progressed, with acceptance letters to three colleges, and getting his registration set up for the one that was at the top of his list. Vanderbilt in Nashville. He took a part time job, biking from school to the grocery store where he stocked shelves and bagged groceries. He worked as many hours as he could get, putting most of his earnings in a checking account. Spring arrived, and his friends became anxious around him, avoiding the subject of graduation, and his impending departure for college in the summer. It was most obvious at his eighteenth birthday party. His friends were forcing smiles whenever he looked at them, but when they did not know he was looking their way, he saw it, and knew they would miss him. He would miss them too, but he also knew come fall, Tyler and Zach were off to college and Ethan a period with the Peace Corps. They each had their own plans, which would take them in different directions.

Early in May, he called Joshua. Joshua had gotten a used truck, and he wanted him to come help with the move to Nashville. There were arguments about the problems with Joshua showing up, the time it would take, the drive down, the loading up, then the long drive to Nashville. But Joshua knew what Jacob planned, could read it in the silences and off-the-cuff comments. It was he, Jacob wanted to take him to college. Sean had even offered to come down in lieu of Joshua and do it, but Jacob was insistent.

Two nights before graduation, the guys all at Ethan’s home playing video games, Jacob confirmed to them his plan, and how once executed he would be leaving. The reality of it sank in, this parting of friends that would change everything, but each knew, for Jacob, it was for the best. When graduation finally arrived, Jacob, along with his classmates, walked from their seats on the gym floor up to the stage, shook the principal’s hand and received their diploma, thus bringing their grade school years to a close.

When Jacob came down from the stage, he saw his parents, clapping, a proud expression on their faces. He considered what it meant, this seeing a child graduate from high school, and how this was taken away from Joshua. He struggled to maintain composure as he went back to his seat. He would endure the rest of the program, the group photos, the questions of what he planned to do, and the ride back to his home. It had been over two years in the planning, and the day had arrived. He felt no nervousness, no anxiety about what was to take place. He knew it would hurt his sister, but he had warned her in his own way, gave her the clues she could easily piece together after the events about to unfold. For his mother, he was torn, for he saw how his father dominated her, with all his ‘man of the house’ references, and at times making disparaging comments toward her. How she endured it, he did not know, but he had to keep her separate from his father, for his own sake.

They pulled up to the house around four, with his mother talking about their plans for dinner later. Jacob followed them inside, went to his room where he had secretly packed up the things he wanted to take, the boxes sitting by his bed, his suitcase on it. He changed into jeans and a t-shirt and packed his one suit into a garment bag and laid it with the suitcase. Then he sent a text.

Joshua had arrived late the night before, and Jacob had met him secretly at The Landmark Inn on the southside of town, slipping out late on his bicycle, taking what he could in his backpack. Joshua drove him home, with the bicycle loaded up for the next day, one more thing Jacob did not need to worry about.

Fifteen minutes later, Jacob saw the truck drive up and park in the drive. He took a deep breath and let all of his emotions about what had happened to Joshua rise to the surface, reinforcing his determination, and he went down to make his confession.

His father was in his chair with the so-called news channel on, that he was obsessed in watching, and his mother was in the kitchen preparing dinner.

“I have something I need to say.”

His mother turned to him, and frowned, some innate knowledge of what was coming in her expression. His father turned, oblivious, unable to see anything beyond his expectations, and it was to him Jacob turned.

“I’m gay. Like Joshua. And I want you to know I hid it from you to prevent myself from being cruelly thrown out by the people who are supposed to support me…”

“Support you…how dare…” Daniel Hammond stammered, turning red.

“Stop. I don’t care about anything you have to say. I’ve packed my things and will be leaving, right now, so you don’t have to worry about your precious rules.”

“Jacob…no…” Rachel uttered, dropping a spoon to the floor.

Jacob saw it, this reality that it was happening again, her second son about to be taken away from her.

“I’m not apologizing for who I am, nor will I waste my time asking for your support. I’ve made arrangements for my future and will ask nothing of you ever again.”

The back door eased open and Joshua stepped to the threshold.

“Jacob, are you ready?” Joshua whispered, knowing the charged nature of the atmosphere inside this place he had not been in over four years.

“Joshua!” Rachel exclaimed, a happiness in her tone that fell away as soon as it appeared.

“What are you doing here?” Daniel exclaimed, as Julie ran to him, hugging him tightly.

“I’ve come for Jacob. That is all.”

“I’ll get my stuff,” Jacob replied, leaving the room. As he climbed the stair, he expected his father to be on his heels, but he only heard the soft footsteps of his mother, then her voice.

“Jacob…please don’t…”

“Please don’t what? Leave? Where was this offer when you threw Joshua out? I can’t stay, and you know it,” Jacob replied to her plea without looking at her. He stood still on the step for a second, then continued up to his room.

He carried the two boxes down, surprising everyone with them being ready to take out. Then he carried his suitcase and garment bag down, stopping only for Julie.

“One day I hope you understand.”

She was fourteen, a teenager about to be a young woman. With tears trickling down her face she hugged Jacob, whispering in his ear.

“I know. I’ve known for some time. Call me.”

When Julie released Jacob, he headed out the door, not looking back at his parents. For his mother, there was hope things could change, but for his father, who had sat defiantly in place, pretending to watch his news, there had been no effort made to stop him and thus no hope of change. Jacob remained stoic, unyielding, for it was what he expected, even though it tore him up inside.

It would take years for the pain to lesson, for the memory of the drive to Nashville had been harder than he expected. He could not hold onto his stoic façade; it falling away as they circled the north side of town. They drove the secondary roads to Lancaster, finally cutting over to an interstate, taking I-77 north to Charlotte, then they would cut west, heading to Asheville where they would finally pick up I-40 West, the interstate that would take them to Nashville.

Joshua had remained silent for a long time, then he began to talk, to tell of his own experience. The people that helped him along the way until he found himself with Sean in Charlotte, able to live his own life even though it was far from perfect. But one that was his, and Sean’s. Then he turned to Jacob, telling him he was always the stronger of the two of them, the one who knew how to get what he wanted, and how he was proud of him for standing up for what he knew was right.

By the time they arrived in Nashville, driving straight through, stopping only for gas, bathroom breaks and food, it was nearing three in the morning. The city was quiet, the sidewalks empty, and only a few vehicles moving about. Joshua pulled into a hotel, an older one on the outskirts of the city.

“Why are you stopping here?”

“We need some sleep.”

“But I…”

“I know you didn’t plan on this, but I’m not sleeping in this truck.”

“But we’ll only be able to stay in the room until sometime before noon and…”

“Jacob…stop worrying about this one little thing. Let’s secure the truck and take everything in that we need to.”

“Okay,” Jacob replied, and he swung his door open to climb out, too tired to argue. He looked up and saw Sean coming toward them. “Sean?”

“Hey Jacob. What do we need to take up?”

“How did you get here?” Jacob asked.

“I drove. When Joshua headed out to get you, I took off heading this way. Come on, let’s get you guys up to the room.”

The next morning Jacob went to the campus, checked in for his dorm room, finalizing some of his paperwork. Joshua and Sean helped him move into the dorm and upon seeing what was missing, took him to a store for some storage drawers and miscellaneous items he would need. Jacob got them to take him to an electronics store where he surprised the guys with a debit card to a local bank.

“You already have an account here?” asked Joshua as Jacob slipped the card into the reader for the laptop being bagged.

“I got it when I started working part time. If was a bit of a hassle but when I explained my situation, they worked with me on it.”

“You okay on money?”

“For now. I got two scholarships and a student loan sitting ready for me to agree to. But I’m going to take a light class load this semester and next and work too, hopefully building up some reserves for spring semester. Then I’ll work the summers full time.”

Joshua smiled, shaking his head. “Come on Sean, let’s wait at the door. He seems to have it under control.”

That evening, Jacob directed them to a burger joint popular for students, using some of his money to buy for everyone. It was the first time the three of them had been able to sit and relax, and a calm settled over them as food arrived and they worked to satisfy their growling stomachs.

“Jacob?” asked Joshua.

“Yeah?”

“You going to be okay?”

“Yes. I assume this summer may be lonely at times, for there won’t be many students on campus, and it may be this fall before I can find my way around. Make friends and…begin to live a little.”

“You know you can call me anytime, right?”

“Yes.”

“And you can call me too,” Sean interjected.

“Thanks, Sean.”

The next morning, after a breakfast of biscuits at a fast food joint, Jacob stood on the sidewalk watching Joshua move to the driver’s door of the old truck, as Sean climbed into his SUV. Joshua didn’t say anything at first, hesitant, expression serious. Then he moved to Jacob and hugged him, tightly. “You still have to call me. Maybe once or twice a week at least. Okay?”

“Okay.”

Joshua pushed back, “See you, little brother,” as he climbed in his old truck and started the engine.

“Call me when you get back to Charlotte,” said Jacob as he stepped back, a little more separation between them.

“Will do,” Joshua replied, and the truck and SUV pull away. Jacob was saddened to see if leave, but knew he’d see it again and before then, there would be the late-night phone calls. He turned to the dorm, took a deep breath, feeling relaxed, and excited at what lay ahead.

As he moved toward the main entry, another guy came up, pulling a suitcase and carrying a box. Jacob pulled the door open and stood to the side to let him enter. He sized him up, the physical nature of his body, and the way he was carrying himself.

Around five foot ten, maybe, with brown hair a bit long, covering the ears and hanging down over the forehead and eyes. Lean build, a body of a teenager who had not grown into his man’s body. There was a skin tone that spoke of mixed ancestry; Native American or maybe Spanish or one of the Central American countries. But he also had features that were more western. The angular shape of his head, the narrow nose and up close, blue eyes were visible.

“Are you a freshman or sophomore?” asked Jacob.

“Freshman; and you?”

“Same.”

“So, you’re here to get an early start of classes too?” the guy asked as he passed into the lobby of the building.

“Something like that. I’m Jacob.”

“Dakota.”

“What floor are you on?”

“Second; room 226.”

“Hey, I’m in 218.”

Jacob took the rolling suitcase and led Dakota to his room, stepping aside to let him unlock the door. The room was empty, for it was still early for most to arrive.

“Hey, it’s kind of quiet, with so few here, so after you get settled would you like to go into town for lunch?”

Dakota set the box down and looked around the small room, one he would be sharing with a guy named Joe. He looked around at Jacob and smiled, nervously, an anxiousness evident in his face. “Yes, that sounds good.”

Jacob went back to his room and saw the door next door was propped open. Glancing inside he saw a guy standing in the room looking out the window. A suitcase sat on the floor and a duffel bag on one of the beds.

“Hey, I’m Jacob. I’m next door in 218.”

The guy turned and Jacob did it again. Sized him up, made an appraisal of his physical nature. Stocky, muscular build, probably from working out in high school for football or baseball. Short black hair and fair white skin and looked to be average in height, five nine or so. “Bryan…Bryan Robertson. I guess I’m not the only one here a little early?”

“No, there are a couple of guys down the hall I don’t know yet and three doors over is Dakota. Sometime around noon, we’re going into town for lunch. Would you like to come with us?”

“Sure.”

Thus, it began, this new life. Jacob settled into the dorm, rode his bike, and hung out with Dakota, Bryan, Travis, and Adrian from down the hall, then the guys that filtered in over the next few days. The dorm gained a few guys each day until near the weekend, just before classes were to start, then it filled up, every room with two guys in them. Most of the dorms were closed for the summer, so the ones being utilized were full.

Jacob’s roommate arrived the Saturday morning before the start of classes. Juan Cisneros who was only the second generation in his family to be in the states. He was about five eight, with a tanned skin tone and black hair and dark brown eyes. And the biggest distraction to Jacob was his easy smile.

As classes settled in, the friendships between them fell into place, the ones who hung out together all the time. Jacob and Juan in 218. Next door in 220 was Bryan and Roberto and across the hall in 219 was Ethan and Matthew and next door to them in 221 was Shillan and Joel. A couple doors down in 226 was Dakota and Joe, and down the hall near one stair in room 205 was Travis and Adrian. They were a diverse group, Juan parents from Mexico and Roberto from Brazil. And the others came from various places, with different accents or influences, Jacob from South Carolina, Ethan and Joe from Nashville, Dakota from Oklahoma, and Shillan from Wyoming. Two were from other parts of Tennessee, and the others were from Maryland, Kentucky, and Arkansas. But with their differences there were far too many things they had in common. A love of video games, movies and some activity that exerted their bodies. Jacob, Dakota, and Adrian rode bicycles regularly, early in the mornings on Tuesday and Thursdays and in the afternoons on other days. Others rode with them, but it was the three of them that were constant in their riding. Bryan got the guys to play baseball or tag football, and Roberto got some of them to play racquetball.

But in moments of casual banter, the joking around, the conversation would turn to sex, to hooking up, and women that captured their eye in one class or another. Jacob stayed to the periphery when this occurred, wondering if this was the time to come out to the guys, to let them know he was gay. He held back at first, observing, listening to who was involved and who, like himself, stayed to the side. And it was Adrian, the boy from the hills of Kentucky and Dakota, that never seem to join in. He did not know if they were shy about it, or if, just maybe, they were like him. Gay. Two weeks into classes, Friday arrived stormy, dark, and thunderous, keeping them inside during the afternoon, then rushing to the nearby cafeteria, no one wanting to go out in the storm.

They were huddled around the television in one lounge area on their floor. None of the other guys on the floor were there, and the core group of friends piled up on sofas, sat in armchairs and in the case of Ethan and Travis, lay on the rug that anchored the furniture in the large room. There was an action flick on television, and they made comments about the actors, the roles played, as they watched. When the movie ended, it only nine o’clock, the guys did not move as Bryan flipped through the channels looking for something else to watch. Jacob looked around the room and wondered if this was the time. The setting was right, a space that he could breathe in as he contemplated his confession.

“Hey guys, there is something I want to tell you.”

“Yeah, what’s up?” Travis asked as the others looked over.

“I…uh, well…”

“What is it? You gay or something?” Matthew blurted out, making the others laugh.

“Yes, I am.”

The guys fell silent, looking embarrassed.

“Oh...shit…that was awkward,” said Travis.

“Damn, sorry Jacob, I didn’t mean to imply anything,” said Matthew.

“So, you guys are okay with it?” asked Jacob.

“My oldest brother is gay, so of course, no problems here,” replied Joe.

“Just don’t say anything around my folks; that religious thing, but I’m good,” said Ethan.

“Just don’t try to make out with me,” said Bryan looking at Jacob all serious, until he nearly choked trying not to laugh.

“Anyone have a problem?” asked Jacob, wondering if anyone was holding back. He saw the shake of heads, a few saying ‘no’ and two, Adrian and Dakota looking sheepish, unable to look at him.

The next afternoon, Juan down the hall hanging out with Travis and Adrian, Jacob was on his bed, reading. It was something he had discovered that gave him solace. A way to calm his mind. It was a novel he had been hiding from Juan and the others, but he lay back, knees up with the book propped against his thighs, reading it openly. A fairytale in every way, except this one involved two boys.

A knock at his door, then it swung open slowly, until Dakota’s head peered around it.

“Hey, can I come in?”

“Sure,” laying the book to one side and sitting up. “What’s up?”

Dakota came in, eyes darting around the room, unable to look at Jacob. He eased down in Juan’s desk chair, and slowly rotated around until facing him.

“How did you know?”

Jacob frowned at first, not sure what Dakota meant. But the thought about how Dakota acted when the topic was women and sex, and then the conversation the night before about him being gay.

“I just did. I knew I looked at boys instead of girls.”

“How did your family take it?”

Jacob took a deep breath, then looked up, smiling, for to do otherwise, he would probably cry. “My brother came out when he was sixteen and my father threw him out.”

“What?”

“They put Joshua on the street. Luckily, Joshua found people that would help him, but I knew I had to keep my own secret, until I was prepared to leave. So, on the day I graduated from high school, I told them I was gay and took my packed-up stuff out to Joshua’s old truck. It was the first time he had been back since getting thrown out, and it was to take me away. My revenge against my father. It’s why I was here so early.”

“Shit…Jacob, how do you cope?”

“I know they are wrong, and I’m now free of them. But this isn’t about me, is it?”

Dakota shook his head.

“Are you gay?”

“I think so.”

“Think? Dakota, do you think about girls, or boys…or both?”

“I think of girls but it never…becomes intimate. But when I think of boys, it gets sexual.”

“Have you acted on it?”

“Have you?”

“No.”

“Really?”

“There was one chance, this boy from the next town over, but he freaked out and wouldn’t have anything to do with me. What about you?”

“Once…it was the brother to the husband next door. He saw me out mowing grass and stopped me to offer a drink. Next thing I knew I was in our garage, door down, and he got me to suck him off.”

“Did he reciprocate or did he just get you to do him and leave.”

“He left.”

“That sucks. He just used you.”

“I know and I was terrified he would tell what I had done.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be, but…” and the stammering ended in silence. Eyes down, fingers working around each other, Dakota was visibly nervous.

“But what?”

“Will you have sex with me? I’m not asking you to be my boyfriend or anything. Just…can we just have the experience?”

Jacob sat stunned, unsure he was hearing right. There was laughter in the corridor then someone running past. He looked at the door, knowing it was unlocked. He glanced at his watch and saw it was before two o’clock, and Juan should be gone for some time.

“Lock the door.”

He watched Dakota lock the door and move to the middle of the room. He moved to him, stopping closer than he would have ever dared in the past. So close he could see the sparse areas along the chin where beard came in. Close enough to see the depth of the blue eyes and imagined he could feel a body heat coming off him, knowing it was his own feeling feverish.

Jacob smiled at Dakota. Then he reached around and held the back of his neck, pulling him forward, as he leaned toward him. Their lips touched, tentatively, gently, both hesitant in this initial contact. Then Dakota pushed against him, hands moving up each side of his body, then around it, hugging them together. Jacob moved him around, backing him toward his bed. They bumped the edge, then Jacob guided Dakota down, and he followed, coming to rest next to him. He ran a hand over the flat stomach, slipped it underneath the shirt and pushed up, pulling it upward revealing the smooth tanned stomach. He kissed him on the neck, then along the jaw until their lips were pressed together, while his hand moved over the smooth chest and stomach. He felt nipples harden, and the stomach undulate heavily.

Then a hand touched his thigh, fingers raking over the worn denim. It moved upward till groping him, those fingers manipulating his cock making him grow more erect. It was too much, but not enough. He sat up and tugged his shirt off, undid his jeans, working everything down. He saw Dakota watching wide eyed, surprised at how quickly he was moving. Naked, cock half hard and his tall lean build on full display, he let Dakota look, watched as a hand reached out, shaking, hesitant, then touch his chest. It grazed over his skin, rubbed over one hardened nipple, then down over his stomach, fingers barely touching his skin, ticklish in their manipulation. He watched as the fingers combed through his pubic hair then fondled him. He leaned to Dakota, kissing the spot below the ear.

“Keep doing it…make me hard,” Jacob whispered, and the hand toyed with his cock till he was erect.

Hard, aroused to the point awareness was reduced to just his bed, the two of them, nothing else in focus. He tugged Dakota’s shirt off, worked jeans open and tugged everything down, stripping him, getting him naked too. He moved on top of the lean body, felt its heat, the smoothness of skin against his own. He felt hands rake up his sides then hug him as he kissed the long neck, tongued the left ear, slowly, torturously, following its curvature, until he felt Dakota push up against him.

He ground his cock against Dakota’s, pumped hips, and rubbed their two shafts together till fire burned in each of them.

“Jacob…fuck me…please,” Dakota uttered breathlessly.

Legs spread with knees pulled up, Dakota opened himself to Jacob. Fighting to control his urges, the lust of it, some urgency to be inside Dakota, Jacob pressed against the tight opening until he felt his cock squeeze through its tightness. Then he held still, feeling the body shiver beneath him. He kissed the parted lips, pushed his tongue into it, making every connection to this other person he could make. Every touch, every penetration speaking of their sex…their sexuality. Male on male. Alike, and yet…

“Fuck me,” Dakota whispered then kissed Jacob’s neck and nipped the earlobe. The bite sent shivers down Jacob’s spine and he pushed inward, slowly, but not stopping until all the way inside of him. And he began to fuck. Hips moving, tugging cock outward, then pushing it back into the depths of Dakota’s hole. Over and over, his pace slowly increasing, until the bed began to squeak and rock beneath them. Fingers dug into his back, his sides, each ass cheek, each time fueling his lust, this desire for release. He fucked harder, faster, then pulled out, desperate to hold back, to keep from coming too soon. Too quickly. It had to last longer.

“Roll over,” Jacob commanded, his tone urgent, and Dakota rolled to his stomach and Jacob was quickly on him, cock boring into the depths of his body as an arm held tightly around the long neck. Holding him tightly, firmly in place, there was nothing passive about it. It was physical. Sexual. Jacob fucked harder, hips smacking against ass. The bed protested the physical nature of their fuck, squeaking and rocking in rhythm to it.

Dakota struggled with his arousal, the way Jacob pushed into his depths and pushed his own cock into the mattress. Every push inward ground his cock into it until he undulated beneath Jacob, increasing the feel of it. He felt his own release, the buildup, the way it made him harder, more sensitive. Then he shuddered with it, pooling cum around his spurting cock as it was pushed into the mattress.

“Fuck,” Jacob exclaimed as he felt Dakota cum, with the shuddering body and spasm of the tight opening around his cock. He was too close, too aroused to hold back another second, and he shoved into Dakota’s depths and filled him with his load.

Lying across the bed, naked, cocks flaccid, sated with their fuck, they looked at the other, wondering what to say, how to respond to each other after their sex.

“I should go,” said Dakota as he began to sit up.

“Wait…,” exclaimed Jacob. “I’m glad we did it but jumping into bed like this…I’m not sure how to respond to it. I thought of you as a friend, and now…I’m not sure. But can we not make an issue of it? Can we see how we feel about it later?”

 Dakota smiled, nodding his head. “I feel the same. I like you, but I don’t know if it because we’re friends, or if we’re both…”

“Gay?”

“Yes. Or if there is something more, I’m not ready to express.”

“Let’s get dressed and go for a bike ride,” replied Jacob, bringing them back to being two college students, two guys in the dorm.

It was only two days later, Jacob coming back from class, when Adrian fell in beside him.

“I thought you had another class?” asked Jacob.

“I do, but the professor called in sick, so I’m done for the day.”

“Must be nice to have one less class.”

“Not really. We still have an exam Monday. That didn’t get pushed back.”

“I had exams today in two classes.”

“You do okay?”

“I think so, and this afternoon is a bit free from studies.”

They circled into the commons between the dorms and headed toward their building, passing other guys, some from their floor. As they approached the steps, Adrian touched Jacob’s arm, stopping him.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Sure,” Jacob replied.

“Dakota and you have messed around, haven’t you?”

“What? How…how did you know that?”

“I see how Dakota looks at you, like he is studying you, trying to figure you out, and in turn, in some weird way, figure himself out.”

“You haven’t said anything to anyone about it?”

“No, for I know Dakota is probably struggling to understand himself…like some of the others.”

Jacob saw the expression, one he recognized. Dakota had it. “Like you?”

Adrian nodded his head, then looked out over the commons. “There was a boy in high school. We were friends, hanging out together all the time. We played video games and…just before graduation he made the first move. He touched me then…

“It went on into the summer, until one night, he came over late, sometime in the middle of the night, tapping on my window. He told me he was sorry. He said he could not do it. He…

“We were going to come out to our parents, but he got scared to do it, and it made me afraid to do it too. I knew if I came out, it would be obvious to everyone he was too. Or that is what I believed, so I lost my best friend and isolated myself.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I know it happens. We’re not the norm, as so many think of it. But, knowing this doesn’t stop it from hurting.”

“I know.”

“Jacob, I feel like I’m stuck. I cannot seem to move on. I feel like I need something to push me forward.”

“What can I do?”

Adrian looked back at Jacob and smiled. “Can I come to your room? Can we…”

“Have sex?”

“Yes.”

It was different with Adrian. It was not his first time, but it was his first time unhurried. Unafraid of being caught, of being able to relax in the moment. Adrian had followed Jacob into his room, locked the door, dropped his backpack, and simply undressed. He let Jacob watch as he revealed himself. A naturally muscular body, with its teenager leanness, with straw colored hair and a cock that hung heavily over its sac.

Jacob pulled his shirt off intent on stripping for Adrian, as he had done for him. He reached for his jeans to undo them when Adrian moved to him, pushing his hands away.

“Let me.”

Adrian stripped him of his jeans and socks, leaving his briefs on, one last garment that felled to conceal his growing aroused state. Adrian touched him, ran a hand over the bulging front then up his bare chest. There was a push, and he eased back to his bed, where Adrian guided him down on it.

Jacob lay on his stomach, feeling feverish even in the coolness of the room. His skin felt on fire, as a hand moved down his back. Then it moved up his back as hot breath filtered through the thin fabric, warming his ass cheek. Lips pressed against it, moved lovingly over it, each touch gentle. He felt fingers work at the waistband, then a tugging down. The waistband slipped over his round ass and down to his thighs as lips touched the right cheek. He buried his face in the mattress afraid of crying out from the mere feel of them. He raised his hips letting the briefs slip over his hardened cock, then down his thighs. They were pulled from each foot, finally leaving him naked. There was the rake of hands up each leg, fingers that dug into each cheek then spread them. A finger grazed down between them, rubbed over his tight hole, circling it, toying with it, until he moaned. It pushed against his tightness, breaching it, penetrating him, his first by someone other than himself. It bore into his depths, twisting and turning, loosening him. Two fingers penetrated him, then three, each time stretching him open a little more. But he knew it would not be enough. Not for Adrian, and his thick cock. He shuddered with the manipulation and raised up looking over his left shoulder.

“Stop teasing me…please…fuck me.”

He felt the muscular body move, the legs that straddled his thighs, the hand that pulled one cheek over, the other guiding cock to his opening. He felt the touch, the rub up and down, and he moaned into the pillow while pushing upward. Then he felt the penetration. The stretch of his opening, how it sent shivers up his spine and made him gasp for breath. As cock eased into him, Adrian eased down on his back, the full weight of him. There was the undulation of heavily breathing, the heat of skin against skin, and the familiar movement, the stretch of his opening as he took every inch of Adrian’s cock.

“Fuck,” Jacob exclaimed as Adrian settled into a steady pace, pushing into his depths over and over. He felt the kiss at the back of his neck, the arms that encircled him, holding him tight. He felt the thick cock bore into him, push inward creating a connection to this other person.

Adrian fucked for a long time, slowly, letting Jacob feel every inch work through his opening. Their bodies grew hot against each other, skin wet, slick, as it rubbed together. Then he pulled out and got on his knees.

“Roll over…let me see you.”

Jacob rolled over, hard cock smacking wetly against his stomach, and he raised his legs holding them up for Adrian to take. A hand at each ankle, grip firm, as they were spread apart. Cock touched him, pushed at his loosened opening, then penetrated him once again. Hips smacked against ass, as Adrian fucked his prone body. He lay flat, arms spread out, his whole body on display, concealing nothing from him. His moans reverberated with his rocking as Adrian fucked harder, faster, driving into his depths.

The hands slipped down each leg until they held them behind the knee, and Adrian folded Jacob in half, pushed his legs over and down until thighs pressed against chest, and ass was turned upward, angled perfectly for Adrian’s cock. He fucked with full movements, tugging his cock outward until nearly slipped free, then shoving it inward, all the way, hips smacking against ass. Over and over, with a brutal pace, Adrian hammered Jacob’s ass. And Jacob grew harder, more aroused, until he was stroking his own cock.

“No, don’t,” Adrian exclaimed as he pushed Jacob’s hand away. Then he hammered cock into Jacob until he could not hold back, not another second. He pushed inward, hips smacking hard against Jacob’s ass, and filled him with his load.

Legs released, body laying prone across the bed, cock so hard it is leaking, and Adrian moved on Jacob, quickly, straddling his waist. Cock held up, Adrian moved to it, easing down until it penetrated his tight ass. He kept moving down, feeling the pain of entry, the stretching of his hole as he took each inch. When his ass rested on Jacob’s hips, cock buried all the way inside him, he leaned back resting on his hands and began to work his body. Up, down, up, down, over, and over, letting Jacob see his ass take every inch, then move up until the head slipped into view.

Jacob did not know what was more arousing. The feel of Adrian’s ass on his cock, or being able to see it, the way that ass took every inch. He held the ankles of each leg and pushed upward when Adrian moved down, their bodies smacking together. Adrian became vocal, noisy in his cries and grunts, and the uttering of ‘fuck’ over and over. Jacob did not think he could be more aroused. He was pushed to his limits. His grip tightened on Adrian’s ankles as he shoved upward. Their bodies smacked together again, but this time Adrian held still, cock buried all the way inside of him as Jacob shuddered with release.

The week passed and things changed between them. But it was a good change, more open around each other, and more importantly, to the others on the floor. Adrian came out, told them he was gay. Then slowly, two or three guys at a time, Dakota did too. Jacob tried to keep their relationship as before but there was a struggle. A nagging feeling, he couldn’t’ push aside. He hung out with the guys on the floor playing video games, watching movies, or just talking bullshit, laughing, and joking around. And with Adrian, he felt a comfort in their openness with each other. This acknowledgment of one aspect of their person that was the same. But with Dakota, it was hard. Dakota was still introverted, still shy about his feelings, and time and time again, he saw the looks, eyes cutting away from him. But he saw their longing, and he felt it too. Some longing for something more.

There was a gay bar in town. A small hole-in-the-wall place on the edge of it, next door to a moving truck rental business and a sports outlet store. It had a bar along one side, some tables and chairs and on the opposite side, two billiard tables, and the important thing for the three guys, the bar allowed 18-20 year-olds to come in, with wrist bands on each one. It was Adrian who first suggested it, but it was Jacob who made it happen, getting the guys to throw on decent clothes and head over. Dakota drove his Jeep, the top in place, taking them on a Friday night.

The bar was busy, and the three went to the bar, ordering sodas, then took a table that afforded them a view of the two billiard tables and the bar. There were looks from other guys. The checking them out looks, that they in turn were doing to them. The cat and mouse game of sizing each other up, then the flirting looks, smiles and eventually, one coming over to the table.

“Hi, I’m John,” said the redhead that moved up next to Adrian. He leaned down close, “would you like to play pool with me?”

Jacob felt relief it was Adrian and not Dakota or him that John approached. He watched John lead Adrian to the nearest table, motioning him to rack the balls. He contemplated what it meant, how he was glad it was Adrian someone hit on, and not Dakota. He liked Adrian, considered him one of his best friends, and would do anything for him to be happy. As he watched Adrian moved the balls to the table then arrange them in the rack, he knew his physical attraction lay elsewhere. He looked over and saw Dakota watching Adrian rack the balls, then look over, smiling.

“I think Adrian has found someone to flirt with.”

“I think so,” Jacob replied. He leaned over the table, forearms laying on it, hands clasped together. “I was afraid it would be you John approached.”

“Huh? What are you saying?”

“I don’t want anyone to hit on you. I…”

“You like me?”

“Of course, I do…I mean, more than I would admit before. Does that bother you?”

“No,” Dakota replied, smiling. “I’m glad.”

“Why don’t we make sure Adrian is going to be alright, and if so…we head back to the dorm.”

“Okay.”

Juan and some of the guys were in their room, so Jacob followed Dakota down the corridor to his room. The lights were turned off, but the blinds were open, letting the lighting of the commons shine in. it gave the room a low silvery glow. Jacob followed Dakota through the door, locking it behind him. He moved to Dakota and kissed him. Then he removed his shirt, working carefully, gently, with each button. He slipped it off the shoulders, kissing the right one, then kissing Dakota again as he reached for the front of his jeans. Soon, he had Dakota naked, and he eased to his knees and took him in his mouth. He let Dakota fill his mouth, grow erect until he could no longer take all of it.

Dakota was passive in his hands, letting him move them to the bed. He guided Dakota down on it, then stood by it removing his own clothes. Naked, cock half-hard, he moved down on Dakota. They moved together, hands touching bare flesh, at times the fingers digging into it, eager in their excitement. Dakota’s legs wrapped around his waist, as he moved inside of him. And he savored the feel of it, this connection between them, as he sank into the depths of Dakota’s body.

Dakota’s cock flexed against his stomach then ejaculated wad after wad between them. It was warm, slick, against his skin, and he pushed into Dakota’s depths and released his own.

Summer term ended and the fall term started. Some of the guys were moved to other dorms, but Adrian, Dakota and Jacob stayed on the floor, Dakota and Jacob sharing a room and Adrian across the hall. The anxieties from before were gone, and they fell into the groove of classes and afternoons piled up in one room or another.

Jacob called Joshua regularly, eventually making plans for trying to get together over Christmas.

Thanksgiving break arrived, and Jacob was resolved to staying on campus, working at his part time job on Friday and Saturday. Dakota had stayed too, saying the trip home was too much and he would be leaving at the end of term soon enough. They planned a Thanksgiving dinner at one of the restaurants that was going to be open. Wednesday was a swirl of activity, as most of the guys headed out, either to visit family, or to travel to the mountains for a few days, anything to get away from campus. By five o’clock, the floor was nearly empty, only a few others remaining for the long weekend.

Jacob had napped part of the afternoon, having spent most of the night before finishing up a paper due that morning, and woke blurry eyed, confused at first about the angle of light coming into the room. He picked up his phone and saw it was a little after five. Dakota was next to him, still fast asleep. He pulled up Joshua’s number, missing him more than usual. It rang four times.

“Hey, little brother.”

“Hey. What are you doing?”

“What am I doing? I’m…”

Jacob heard someone giggling in the background and knew it was Sean.

“What are you two up to?”

“Well, you called a bit too soon, but I guess there is no reason to hold back. We’re walking up to your dorm as we speak.”

“What?!” Jacob replied, jumping up and rushing to the window. He looked down and saw Joshua and Sean, and behind them he saw Julie and his mother.

“Come on down and meet us in the lobby.”

Jacob threw on a shirt, and ran out the door, barefoot, not bothering to slip on sandals. He raced down the stair, too impatient for the elevator and out into the lobby below. Joshua and Sean stood side by side and Julie moved around them, rushing toward him.

“Jacob!” she exclaimed, as she hugged him.

“I don’t understand…why didn’t you let me know you’re coming?”

“It wouldn’t be a surprise if we had,” Julie said into his chest. He hugged her back, then looked up to see his mother move tentatively around Joshua and stop. She looked nervous, scared to approach.

“Julie, what happened?” Jacob whispered to her.

“She left dad last month and has been struggling a bit to get settled down. She called Joshua last week and asked for his forgiveness.”

“And I was wondering if you could forgive me too,” Rachel asked.

Jacob guided Julie to move to one side and he faced his mother, his emotions feeling like they were roiling around inside of him. He took another step closer and reached out for her hands, taking them in his.

“Of course.”

The restaurant was busy, with families that live in town, most tied to the university in some way. But at a long table in back sat the six of them. Julie next to Joshua and Sean, and on the other side, Rachel next to her youngest son, Jacob, and his boyfriend Dakota, all smiling and talking as they waited on their food to be served. The night before had been emotional, hurts exposed then soothed, the two brothers leaning on each other as they worked through their history. But on this day, one that thanksgiving meant something much more than its mythic historical roots, they gathered as a family, the one Joshua and Jacob had always wanted.