Life

If you have the recordings, a suggested Playlist for each part within a Chapter:

*

• “Love Song” by The Cure (Disintegration in 1989, CD, Fiction & Elektra Records)
• “Blue Savannah” by Erasure (Wild! In 1990, CD, Mute Records & Sire Records)
• “Kiss” by Prince (Parade in 1986, CD, Paisley Park)

 !

•  “The Scientist” by Coldplay (A Rush of Blood to the Head in 2002/2003, CD, Parlophone, Capitol)
• “One” by Three Dog Night (Aerial Ballet in 1968, Vinyl, RCA)
• “Ode to Boy” by Yazoo (You and Me Both in 1983, CD, Mute Records & Sire Records)

 ?

•  “Move (You Make Me Feel So Good)” by Moby (Move EP in 1993, CD, Mute Records & Elektra Records)
• “Halcyon On and On” by Orbital (Halcyon EP in 1992/1993, CD, FFRR)
• “Silence” by Tiesto featuring Sarah McLachlan (Delerium Featuring Sarah McLachlan – Silence (Remixes by Airscape And Dj Tiesto) in 2000, Vinyl, Nettwerk)

Our memories capture the events of our lives as moments in time. Major events or even minor ones remembered without all the context, the concept of time with its appearance of a smooth flow, missing from much of our memory. We frame those moments, create a memory that plays out in illogical ways, randomly appearing to us, sometimes when we least expect it. But they tell our story, reveal events that shape and mold us. Reveal to us our humanity.

Sunrise

*

Keith rolled to his back, stretched, then sat up. Next to him lay Toby, fast asleep. It seemed so natural to have him there, in bed when he awoke. He knew he took it for granted far too often. He pushed the hair from Toby’s forehead, revealing the closed eyes and their long lashes. He was tempted to run his finger over the thin eyebrows, with their gentle arch forms over the eyes. All the times they added to Toby’s expression, arching up high with questioning looks, or angling downward in moments of anger or aggravation, or the simple relaxed position of content that was Toby’s expression most of the time.

Keith eased off the bed to go into the bathroom, then get dressed. Even though it was a Saturday morning, Dr. Mitchell, his vet, was coming over early to check on one of his bulls. He pissed, jumped in the shower, then brushed his teeth. Back in the bedroom, he pulled out a work shirt and jeans, and stood at the foot of the bed getting dressed. Watching Toby sleep, he buttoned up his shirt. It was provocative the way the cover lay just above Toby’s round ass, folded, and wrapped around the lower body, leaving the back exposed. He wanted to crawl back in bed, run a hand down Toby’s back, knowing how smooth the skin would feel, and how firm the muscle underneath would be against his hand, and keep rubbing it downward until he moved over those curved ass cheeks. He knew their shape, how they fit in each hand, or how they flexed during sex, revealing Toby’s strength.

Slipping his wallet in the left back pocket, then his keys in the right front, he watched Toby snort once in his sleep, and roll over on his back, one arm over his head, the other along his side. Keith went to his nightstand for his cellphone and stood there looking at the muscular chest, with its silly little tattoo over the right nipple. It was confessed to be an acquisition after a hard night drinking, with dares by Toby’s friends to do it. Keith smiled, as he thought of all the times, he had traced it with his finger while lying in bed with Toby sound asleep.

Toby needed a haircut, with it getting long again. It was something he didn’t care about, going months without one, when Keith went every other week for a trim. It was one of their differences, something that spoke to each one’s personality. Toby’s casual attitude toward life, and Keith’s orderly approach to it, everything with a place, or a time.

Keith stepped down from the screen porch in time to see Dr. Mitchell pulling around the house in his Tahoe. Keith knew the back was crammed with supplies and equipment, enough to do almost any minor treatment in the field. The Tahoe stopped next to Toby’s old Cherokee, and he saw the doctor give it a quick glance, and the smirk wasn’t completely gone when he looked around at him.

“Good morning,” said Keith.

“Morning. How have you been?”

“Good.”

“So, where’s this bull I need to look at?”

“I got him isolated from the herd. Come on, I’ll take you out to the barn where I got him pinned up.”

They were halfway across the yard when Dr. Mitchell cleared his throat.

“Keith; is that Toby Garrison’s Cherokee?”

“Yes. Why?”

“Oh, no reason,” Dr. Mitchell replied, falling silent as Keith went up to the barn, pulling out a ring full of keys. After a search along the ring, Keith got the door unlocked and Dr. Mitchell followed him into the barn. They went through the first section, passed through another door, and came into a section open to the pasture, with stalls along one side. In the first one, the large bull was standing, with its back towering over the stall front.

“What’s his temperament?”

“Typically, good, but let me go in first.”

A few minutes later, Toby strolled into the barn. He was wearing a t-shirt with the sleeves ripped off and frayed jeans. He stood on the stall fence, looking over as Dr. Mitchell examined the bull. Keith looked up and saw how early morning sunlight poured into the barn, its rays illuminating Toby’s back, giving him a haloed appearance. He stared, unconcerned how it might look to the vet. He wanted to tell the vet how Toby was his man, and it was more than simply Toby crashing at his place last night, but glancing around to the vet, he saw him looking his way, and it was obvious he already knew. He smiled, happy with his life like he had not been in a very long time.

!

Keith lay in bed far longer than usual, not wanting to face another day. He sighed and rolled over on his back, letting his left arm fall across the emptiness that lay to his side. Toby’s absence still made him feel like he was suffocating, unable to draw the simplest breath. It had been four days, and each night was a torment, and each morning a loneliness he could not fathom. He had lived alone before, for years, content in his life. But he had tasted from the wellspring of life, felt its heat lay next to him, and listened to its soft breathing and occasional snort, while lost to a dream world. He had given of himself and taken too.

He wanted to cry, but the tears would not come, not this time. His body told him enough. It was time to pull himself together. There were cows to attend, eggs to gather and he could hear Millie roaming around the house and knew she needed to go out, then be fed. Life summoned him, gave him no time to heal. Rolling up, feet swung to the floor, he stretched the soreness from his muscles. He knew it was from the tension and sadness that consumed him, more than any physical labors that could make him sore. How long had it been? Nearly a week, and the house creaked in the silence. A silence that bore into the center of his being and burned.

What had it been about? It seemed so serious then, but foolish now. If only he could turn back time, for he had taken part in one of humanities greatest failures. To take the moment serious enough to consider the consequences. To realize how the future would be affected by it. He was just one again. Lonely. Alone.

A long hot shower, and finally dressed, Keith made his way to the barn. The sun cast long shadows across the yard, and when he came out into the center of it, he felt its soft warmth only the early morning could provide, and a tear trickled down his cheek.

 ?

‘Who’s that?’ Keith wondered, as this guy he had never seen before strolled into Evelyn’s Diner. He didn’t know everyone in town, but he recognized faces, and this one was new. And was so attractive, it was a distraction. And the rest of the guy wasn’t bad either. Tall, muscular build, with brown hair that needed cutting and a five o’clock shadow that followed the line of jaw, and barely covered the chin. He looked late twenties, and still boyish in the face, and Keith thought of his own age. He was thirty-two in a month, but he had been feeling older. It was the loneliness that did it. Made him fret over the passing years, but he wanted to farm, so he had come back after college and set up with his father. For a couple of years, he was so busy, the loneliness was pushed back, but after a while, as they got the farm expanded for the two of them, and a rhythm established with crops, he began to search out for others like himself. There had been Bill from Madison, Jason from Greenville, the guys up in Montgomery, and Ryan from Mobile. They were all companions for a night here and there, never anything serious. And there were others, the one-night stands that leave one unsatisfied when there is more desired. Over time, the guys became friends, each moving on to others. Bill found a man from Jasper, who had been with him for three years now. Ryan married last year, a man ten years his senior, and so it went. Life carried on for everyone. Everyone, except him, as he thought of it. He blamed it on his father’s health issues, having to stop two years ago, and selling out his part of the farm and moving down to Gulf Shores. It left Keith alone even in this daily life, working fields and tending to the animals by himself, not even someone in which to say, ‘good morning’ or ‘how are you?’

So, this new guy captured his attention, and more than once he was caught staring, the last time getting a smile in return. His heart raced like it had in college when he saw a guy he wanted to ask out, or simply invite back to his dorm room for an afternoon of sex. The waitress set his order down and he leaned forward and began to eat, casting quick glances across the dining room between bites.

He saw the guy order, get a drink, a large tea, then pull out a cellphone and scroll through the screen. As he finished his meal, a waitress set the guy’s order down in front of him, and he watched him eat. There was a casualness to his movements, unhurried in every bite. Normally, Keith ate his dinner, paid the waitress and headed home, but this time he ordered dessert. It was an excuse to linger in the dining room, hopefully until the guy finished his own meal. He wanted to follow him out. To get the measure of him, and if possible, get close enough to really get a sense of his character. Some nuance he could think of later that night when alone in bed.

Dessert finished, and his ticket signed and totaled, Keith rushed toward the door. The guy had gone out less than a minute in front of him, but he knew if he were parked close, it wouldn’t take long for him to be gone. He stepped out into the hot evening, the sun just below the buildings across the street, casting shadows over everything. The air radiated the day’s heat, making most rush from air-conditioned cars to air-conditioned interiors. Keith looked down the sidewalk, disappointed the guy was nowhere to be seen. He ambled down to the corner, and turned, heading to his truck parked in back. When he got to the back corner of the building, he saw the guy standing by an old Cherokee. He slowed, afraid to appear like he was following him, as he approached his truck parked two spaces over.

“Hey, I’m Toby,” the guy called out as Keith drew close. And just like that, a connection was made, Toby not being shy about speaking first.

Keith couldn’t believe it, not when so many in the community would never approach someone so boldly. He turned and moved to the back of the Cherokee, unable to stop himself from scanning the masculine form in front of him. Six foot, maybe a bit taller, lean in build by the way the shirt hung on him, but the arms showed muscular biceps. Toby approached him until only a couple of feet apart, and he saw the blue eyes with their thin arched eyebrows and hair that fell over the forehead, nearly concealing both.

“Hi, I’m Keith.”

“I assume you’re from around here?”

“Yes. I live just south of town, about ten miles away in Huxford.”

“You’re a farmer?”

“Yes. I’ve not seen you around before. You live here?”

“I do now. I moved here three weeks ago. I work at the clinic in town.”

“Are you a doctor?”

Toby laughed, “oh no, I’m a nurse.”

“I see.”

“I was wondering, where do you go to socialize and get a drink?”

“Well…” Keith hesitated, unsure which of the two places to recommend. The dive bar with its roughnecks who paid more allegiance to the Confederate battle flag than their own country’s flag, or the place Nancy Harrison opened last year out on Patterson Road, just outside of town. It wasn’t bad, but it was in a metal building that had been a car repair shop, and as a private club, smoking was allowed inside, something most patrons would do, thus it was a smoke filled space.  “Probably the Longleaf Tavern out on Patterson Road.”

“Don’t know it, but there is a lot I’ve not figured out yet. Can I offer to buy you a drink if you would accompany me?”

“Sure. You want to follow me?”

“I can do that. What are you driving?”

“That silver Dodge truck,” Keith replied, pointing to his truck two spaces over.

Country music reverberated in the bar, mixing with the sound of conversations, laughter, and the occasional gruff reply. The bar was full, and Keith found himself at a small table with Toby sitting opposite.

“So, tell me about yourself,” said Toby.

Keith hesitated, unsure what to say. He began by talking about growing up on the farm, one handed down for five generations, and how his father had to retire, leaving it all to him. He casually mentioned being single, wondering how much to insinuate. Toby smiled at him, nodding his head.

“What about you?” asked Keith.

“Me? Not much to tell. I’m from Leesburg, Georgia, went to college in Montgomery, and when I graduated, I took a job here.”

“Why here?”

“I’m not sure…I didn’t want to live in some big city, and this seemed like a good place.”

“Have you met anyone?”

“You mean to date?”

“Yeah.”

“Maybe,” Toby replied, cryptically.

“Well, you’re a handsome guy, so I’m sure the single women will hound you to death.”

“What about you? Why are you still single if that is the case?”

“I…”

“Maybe you’re looking for something else,” Toby whispered across the table and it caught Keith by surprise.

Gathering himself, putting on a stoic expression, Keith took a chance. “Maybe.”

Toby laughed. “You’re farm88man, aren’t you?”

“What…how?”

“You’re wearing the same shirt that is in one of your photos and I recognize your jaw and lips.”

“Seriously, that gave me away?”

“Yep.”

“So, you been meeting many guys in the area?”

“No, not really. I met one guy for dinner, and it was a disaster. I felt bad about it, but he was so desperate for companionship, but it had to be secret. He had all these rules and…”

“That accountant from Evergreen?”

“Yes!”

“Yes, I think I excused myself as soon as I got the check paid.”

“What about it, would you like to go on a real date with me?”

“Yes, that would be nice.”

They drank two more beers, keeping huddled up around the small table away from everyone else, until the bar became so crowded and noisy, they struggled to hear one another.

“You want to get out of here?” asked Keith, not sure what he was asking.

“Yes.”

They went outside, and after circling the subject, Keith finally asked Toby if he wanted to come back to his place. It was a brash move for his part.

Keith led Toby into his house, not turning on any lights, only the small lamp on a side table in the living room to light their way. He stammered an offer for another beer, but Toby said no, that they had had enough. Before Keith realized it, Toby was pressed against his body and lips touching his neck, jaw, then his own lips. Hands touched him, moved over his body, stroking his aroused state. His jeans felt confining, cock aching for release, and he pulled back, took Toby by the hand, and led him to the bedroom.

Hands worked frantically to remove clothes, to reveal the hidden flesh, to touch it, to feel its warmth. To rub over it, feeling the slight quiver of muscles. Keith pushed Toby down onto his bed and moved on top of him. He held the long neck and kissed him. With the other hand, he explored the muscular body. The contours of it. The chest, the undulating stomach, the abdomen with the trail of hair leading down, and the cock that filled his hand. Then he explored further, over the tightening sac and down between the thighs until he was touching him, rubbing a finger over the tight opening. He bore into it and felt the tightness around his finger as he piston it inside of him.

“Do it…fuck me…” Toby whispered in Keith’s ear before tonguing it, making him shudder.

Keith put his cock to the tight entrance and pushed. He eased inward, feeling the tight grip it had on his cock, as inch after inch slid through it. He felt Toby shudder beneath him, as hands held his ass. He fucked slowly, so he could feel every inch move through the tightness until it loosened to his penetration. Then he began to fuck harder, faster, driving into Toby’s depths. Their bodies rubbed together quickly becoming wet at every contact. The bed squeaked and rocked. And the room grew hot.

Keith pulled out, getting on his knees. “Roll over,” he said breathlessly and watched Toby flip over, and get on his elbows and knees. Keith raked his wet cock along the spread ass, then bore into the depths of Toby’s body and began to fuck again. He held the narrow waist, as his abdomen smacked against the round firm ass. The bed rocked beneath them, banging into the wall at times. It spurned him on, drove his lust, desire, the need for another man. He hammered his cock into Toby’s hot depths. Leaning over, he wrapped an arm around the long neck and pulled Toby upright, their bodies rubbing wetly against each other, as he pushed his cock into him. He rubbed his other hand down the sweaty chest, the heaving stomach, downward until he held Toby in his fist, and he stroked him. It wasn’t long and his hand was wet, the cock moving slickly through it.

“Fuck,” Toby exclaimed as he shuddered with release. Keith felt it, the way the cock flexed in his hand, the way Toby shook and jerked against his body and the way Toby’s hole spasm around his cock. He shoved inward, all the way and came, unable to hold back a second longer.

They collapsed on the bed and lay next to each other, until their breathing slowed. Toby giggled, then laughed, making Keith do the same.

“Fuck, I needed that,” said Toby.

“Me, too.”

They lay silent, just enjoying the feel of bodies pushed to fatigue. Bodies heated up to the point of sweating, now cooling down, suddenly feeling the conditioned air of the room.

“Let’s shower off,” said Keith, sitting up slowly.

“Okay,” Toby replied.

The water ran until warm, and Keith stepped in, followed by Toby. They soaped up the other’s body with their hands, exploring the unfamiliar nature of each. Explored around arms, down chests, and stomachs, and around cocks and ass cheeks, until cocks began to grow erect again. Toby eased down on his knees and took Keith in his mouth. Leaning against the cool tile wall, Keith watched how his cock slipped through Toby’s lips, nearly every inch disappearing into the slick, warm mouth. He struggled not to pump his hips, letting Toby set the pace. He watched how Toby would pull back and tongue the head making him shiver, then sink it back into his mouth. He leaned his head back and closed his eyes, focusing all senses on how Toby was making him feel.

Then his cock was bobbing in open air.

Keith opened his eyes and saw Toby stand up and turn around.

“Fuck me,” Toby uttered as he bent over holding his head down.

Keith moved up behind him and put his cock to the tight opening. He watched Toby stretch open, and once again take every inch of his cock. He held the narrow waist and fucked. He drove into Toby’s depths, over and over, building up a fast pace. He watched the movement of Toby’s right arm and knew he was stroking his own cock. As water cascade down his body, he hammered into Toby’s depths, abdomen smacking against ass every push inward. It didn’t take long, and Keith cried out as he shoved inward all the way and came. Toby shook and jerked against him and he knew he was coming too.

Out of the shower, Keith dried Toby, running the towel over the lean muscular body, at times kissing it softly.

“I guess I should go?” Toby said as Keith hung the towel and led him back to the bedroom. It was a question, spoken with a lack of conviction.

“No…stay. Please,” Keith replied.

“I’d like that.”

Toby eased down on the bed and Keith moved next to him. They snuggled together, Toby in Keith’s arms and drifted off to sleep. Come daybreak, the early morning sun filtered into the room through and around the blinds. It gave the room a soft warm glow. Keith stirred awake and looked at the sleeping man next to him, wondering about the possibilities that lay ahead. He watched narrow beams of sunlight move over the sleeping form. The curved ass barely concealed beneath the sheet, the exposed back, and the head with is shaggy hair and boyish face. It was a perfect morning, one not to be disturbed, and Keith snuggled closer to Toby and drifted back to sleep.

Supper

?

Toby arrived right at nine, the day at an end, with the sky brilliant with stars. It was late to be preparing dinner, but Toby had to work late at the clinic, so tonight it would be a supper. Toby selected the music and laughed at Keith’s expression when old disco and Motown filled the rooms with their rhythms. They worked together in the kitchen, Keith preparing the chicken for cooking while Toby cut vegetables. They sang along with songs, danced around each other, laughing at their antics, while preparing their supper. Keith cooked the chicken, then began to sauté the vegetables. Toby brought water to a boil then dropped in the penne pasta. French bread warmed in the oven.

“Open another bottle,” said Keith pointing at the red wine sitting on the island.

Pasta done, the chicken and vegetables tossed together, Keith prepared their plates, grating parmesan cheese over it. They sat at the table, next to each other on one long side, and began to eat.

“How are things at work?” asked Keith.

“It’s okay. The paper trail required for every little thing and the attitude of one of the doctors is a bit much, but…hey, let’s talk about something else. You still looking to rebuild the pier at your pond?”

“Yes. Why?”

“I could help. I have been known to swing a hammer from time to time.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah, why not. I know we’ve just met and…but it could be a way to get to know each other. And it’ll be a nice distraction from work.”

“Well, okay. I was going to start tomorrow morning.”

“I know. If you let me stay tonight, we could get an early start.”

Keith grinned. “I was counting on you staying, whether you helped me tomorrow or not.”

*

They moved fluidly in the kitchen while music played softly. Keith rolling out the dumplings while Toby picked the meat from the chicken, putting it back into the large pot. It was not something they cooked very often, but the weather had been bad for days, raining off and on all week. There was a tropical storm in the gulf that would not move out, and Keith said it required comfort food for dinner. They had messed around that afternoon, then took a nap, waking up late, so dinner would become supper.

The water boiled with the chicken roiling around within it. Toby and Keith worked together, dropping the dumplings into the boiling water individually, so they would not stick together.

“Smells good,” Toby uttered, as he dropped one dumpling then another into the pot.

“It does, but then again, I’m starving,” Keith replied, smiling at Toby as he traded places with him to drop more into the pot.

The dumplings cooked for a few minutes, Toby gently stirring them, while Keith pulled out the salads they had made up and set the table. They filled bowls with the chicken and dumplings and moved to the table, sitting next to each other. They began to eat, occasionally bumping elbows and grinning at each other. It was a routine, a ritual for them to eat together at night, no matter how late it had to be, even if it was after ten, as it was now. It was their time, where the day was at an end and they could relax and enjoy the company of the other.

“When do you think your folks will come down?” asked Keith.

“I don’t know. Maybe the end of the month.”

“I was thinking we should repaint the guest room.”

“Really?” asked Toby, looking up smiling, for he had been wanting to repaint it before his parents came to visit. “Let’s do it tomorrow.”

“Okay. What color?”

!

Keith jerked the iron skillet from the element as it smoked. “Fuck,” he exclaimed as he forked the chicken breast and lifted it out. It was burnt on the bottom and he was tempted to toss it in the trash, but he set it on his plate, next to the warmed-up beans and slice of a sandwich bread. He wasn’t hungry, hadn’t been for days. Not since the argument and Toby moved out. He went into the living area and turned on the television, flipping through channels until he came to an old movie, one he had seen multiple times. But its familiarity was what made him stop on it, this need for something he knew the outcome. A happy ending, one he had hoped he would have for himself.

He sawed the knife through the overcooked chicken, cutting off the burnt bottom. He ate it, piece by piece, adding beans and bites of bread on occasion. He stared at the television, for to look around the room, to see how it was just him in it, was still too much.

When all that was left on his plate was burnt pieces of chicken, he set it on the coffee table, next to the empty glass and the bowl from lunch. He had forgotten to take them back to the kitchen and they sat there, a reminder of his sloven nature of the last few days. Leaned back, noticing the movie had progressed to another scene without his realization, he looked at the cellphone on the side table. He wanted to pick it up and call him. To try to make amends, but he didn’t know how, not after what he had said. He didn’t think Toby could forgive him.

Life

*

Keith walked back to the house after putting the lawn mower back in the barn. Toby was already in the screen porch, shirt off, trying to cool down from doing all the trimming.

“Damn, it’s hot,” he exclaimed as Keith came up the steps and through the screen door.

“It is. You got another beer for me?”

“Yes,” Toby replied, reaching down to the small cooler by his chair, pulling out an ice-cold bottle. He twisted off the cap and held it out as foam trickled down the side.

Keith sat next to him, unbuttoning his shirt to feel some air against his sweaty skin. “I’m glad that is done. Can you imagine if we waited until this afternoon?”

“Hell no. I would have passed out,” Toby replied, grinning at Keith.

They drank the cold beer and sat silent for a long time, staring out across the yard. It was such a chore to keep the grass cut, but when it was done, the yard looked so good, it made the two of them smile. Butterflies and bees worked the flowers around the yard, and they could see the peaches beginning to ripen on the trees at the fence, along the side of the yard.

Keith finished his beer, set the bottle on the floor, and leaned back, closing his eyes. “I was thinking about what we had talked about the other day.”

“Which conversation?” Toby asked, smiling at how Keith was so cryptic at times, starting a conversation without being specific of its topic.

“The addition to the house.”

“Oh, a master suite?”

“Yes. You think you can sketch what we want and get it over to that fellow in Greenville to draw up?”

“The architect? Yes. How quick do you want to get started on it?”

“I think as soon as we can. Don’t you?”

?

Toby sat at the island as Keith poured the ice cream mix into the maker. With the top secured and the motor plugged in, Keith started it up, letting its steady whine echo around the house. He scooped more of the coarse salt over the ice, that surrounded the stainless-steel cylinder in the bucket. The motor whined in a high pitch, but it would drop over time, as the mixer in the cylinder worked to move through the thickening mix, until it was ice cream, ready to eat.

It was Saturday night, and after a tiring week for the two of them, they had lounged around the house all day. A bowl of cereal for breakfast and a sandwich for lunch, they had prepared a much more filling dinner, steaks on the grill and mashed potatoes, salad, and asparagus. An hour after finishing dinner they were in the kitchen again, making ice cream.

“How’s work going?” asked Keith.

“Okay, I guess.”

“You guess?”

“It’s just…I don’t see myself staying there much longer.”

“What will you do?” asked Keith immediately thinking Toby was hinting at eventually leaving.

“There are a couple of doctors in town that are interested in talking with me. It won’t be the same money, but it’ll be a lot less of a headache. I’ll get to act as a nurse, instead of a paper pusher all day…every day.”

“So, you could get a job with one of the doctors in town?”

Toby looked over at Keith realizing what was left unsaid. Even though they had been dating only a couple of months, there had been a seriousness to it that both felt. This wasn’t just a fling, something that would last a few weeks, then they move on to the next guy. He didn’t want to worry Keith, but he also didn’t want to assume Keith was thinking really long term. He too had his anxieties about their relationship. How long would Keith want him around? And could they ever take it to the next level? He wanted a relationship where they woke each morning and went to sleep each night in the same bed. One where they shared everything. The only thing he didn’t care about was a formal marriage, but he would agree to it, if that was asked of him. He would do it, for what it would mean to the other person, whom he was beginning to hope was Keith.

“Of course. I like it here and…” Toby replied, unable to say what he was thinking, but when Keith looked at him, smiling, he knew it was okay.

!

Keith stormed out of the house, so furious he was red faced. He stomped across the yard heading toward the barn. There was no reason for it, other than to get away from the house where Toby was inside. How could Toby be so stupid? He was shocked at what he had done, quitting his job without one lined up. He was unemployed and everyone knew it was harder to get a job if you were unemployed. Everyone except Toby, obviously. When Toby had walked in earlier than expected, and announced he had quit, Keith had stood there shocked. What was he going to do? Would he be able to get a job with one of the doctors in town or would he ultimately have to move away to find one? It hit him like a punch in the stomach. He couldn’t breathe, and when he saw Toby smiling like he had won a prize instead of quitting a job, he grew angry.

Toby had been confused at first about Keith’s response, but soon he was as angry, just as red faced, asking Keith what he expected him to do. He had become the whipping post at the clinic, the one always asked to stay late, or come in early, the one that got the worst patients. And when a patient got the wrong medication, the doctor had blamed him for it, when it was clearly one of the nurses, and that had been the final straw. He went to his computer in the office shared with other nurses and typed up his resignation letter, putting a copy on the doctor’s desk and taking the original down to the administration office. Two weeks and he was done.  By day’s end, when the doctor usually asked him to stay late, he overheard him called down to the administration office. By that point, he didn’t care what they talked about, and when his scheduled time arrived to leave, without being asked to stay longer, he grabbed up his things and left.

Now he stood in the kitchen, on the verge of tears, not knowing what he should do. They had never fought like this, and it had escalated quickly. Keith had said he was reckless, being childish and should have stuck it out until he had another job. But he had yelled back about how Keith didn’t understand what it was like to work for others. And he didn’t know what it was like to be taken advantage of on a constant basis. There had been things said by the two of them, ugly nasty comments, until Toby made the one threat he didn’t really want to make. He saw how it brought Keith up short.

“I guess I should just pack up and leave, since you think I’m such a child!”

Keith had froze in place, but he was still angry too. He looked away, then headed toward the back door, yelling out along the way. “Fine. Pack your stuff and get out.”

Trying not to cry, Toby went to the bedroom and threw his clothes and personal effects into two duffel bags. He went through the house picking up things that were his: the novel on the coffee table, the laptop on the island, his sandals by the back door. He tossed everything in the duffel bags and stormed out, afraid if he stopped and considered what he was doing, he wouldn’t make it.

Keith walked through the barn to the field in back. He paced back and forth along the edge of it, his anger changing to worry and fear. He had gone too far. How could he tell Toby what he was to do with his career? He had no right. He headed back to the house, cutting back through the barn. As he came out, he saw the Cherokee back up, then with wheels spinning, speed away. He stopped and watched it disappear around the house. He heard tires bark on asphalt, then saw the Cherokee speeding up the highway, heading toward town.

He took out his cellphone, pulling up Toby’s number. He looked at it, finger hovering over the ‘send’ button, but felt he had gone too far. He cleared the screen and turned back toward the barn. He would walk back through it and around the fields. He would walk until his legs ached and his mind was dulled and unable to think. It would be nearly dark by the time he finally got up the courage to go into the empty house.

Sex

?

Keith still felt like he was exploring someone new. Still finding those aspects that made them unique. The mole on the left ass cheek, the nail on the right ring finger that wasn’t correctly shaped (it was smashed by a car door when Toby was seventeen) and the way his ears curved and how the right one appeared ever so slightly lower than the left. Then there were the places a mere touched would make him shiver, or the places manipulated by his tongue that would make him beg to be fucked. The spot below the ears, the back of the neck just below the hair, each nipple, and the spot just above the ass cheeks, that little indention when manipulated caused him to push up and beg.

It was only their third time to have sex, and it was new and thrilling as the first, but unhurried, their passions under control better than before.

Keith held Toby’s legs to his chest and penetrated him, pushed inward until his abdomen pressed tightly to the firm ass. He felt fingers dig into his thighs, and it was encouraging, pleading in some unspoken way, and he began to fuck. To tug his cock outward until only the head remained inside of him, then he pushed forward, sinking it back into the depths of Toby’s hole. Over and over, he worked his cock through the tightness, until he felt the push back. Toby pushing to take him, every inch, and it spurned him on, made him fuck harder, faster, until the bed rocked and squeaked.

“Fuck…fuck me harder,” Toby cried out.

Keith moved over Toby, folded him over until his round ass lifted in perfect alignment and he drove his cock into it, hard, bouncing off of it with every push inward. The room grew hot, and skin slick with each place of contact. Sweat rained down on Toby as Keith toyed with him, slowing his pace at times, just easing an inch after agonizing inch through the battered opening, then he shifted position, held himself up and hammered cock into Toby, working his body until it felt feverish, burning up with his exertions.

Toby cried out and Keith felt the cum splatter his chest and stomach. Then the smell of it hit his nose. He shoved into Toby’s depths and came, shuddering with every ejaculation.

In the shower, Keith ran soapy hands over the lean, muscular body, exploring every curve and contour. The collar bone, the sternum and the curvature of each pec, and he ran his hands down, over the flat stomach and curve of the hips until he held the half hard cock, soaping it until Toby was pushing it through his fist as he grew erect. Toby turned to the wall, crossed his forearms on it, resting his forehead against them.

“Do me again…please,” Toby whispered.

Keith moved up behind him, his own cock angled out, already hard, and he eased every inch into him.

“Fuck,” Toby cried out.

Keith held his narrow waist and fucked.

*

Toby moved over Keith, and rocked his ass back and forth, rubbing the erection pinned beneath him. He moved on it, feeling it rub along is ass, and touch him there.

Keith lay back, and watched him, the way he moved, and how his skin glistened wetly. They had been mowing the grass around the pond, and both were sweaty, and after some horsing around they were on the pier, the new boards smooth against Keith’s back. Their clothes lay scattered on the dam and they relished the heat of the sun on their naked bodies as they brought each other pleasure.

Keith watched Toby rise on his knees, take his cock, holding it in position. He felt the resistance, then the squeeze on the head, then inch after inch of the shaft as he watched it disappear in him. Toby moved down until seated on it, and Keith threw his head back and looked up at the clear blue sky, amazed there was nothing to disrupt its purity. No clouds, no contrails, or birds. Nothing but pure vivid blue sky. But he couldn’t consider what it really meant, not its infinite nature, when every aspect of his being was focused on the feel of his cock as Toby moved on it. Up, then down, over, and over, the pace increasing. Toby fucked himself with abandon. Out in the broad light of day, out on the pier that cut over the calm waters of the pond, he moved on Keith. It was all familiar, every aspect of their fuck. The things that drove their arousal, the manipulations of flesh and cocks and openings that needed their tightness loosened.

Toby leaned back, working his hips up and down, and Keith watched how Toby’s ass moved easily up and down the length of his cock. And he watched Toby’s cock, flopping up and down with his movements. Toby grew animated, more vocal, and Keith watched him take his cock in hand and stroke it in rhythm with their fuck. He was close and knew Toby would be soon.

Toby cried out and a volcano of cum erupted from his cock. It rained down on his chest and stomach, the thick wads puddled in small pools, then trickled down the undulating torso. Keith grabbed each of Toby’s ankles and clung to them as he pushed upward and came. He jammed his cock into Toby’s depths with every ejaculation, until he was spent.

Keith fell still and Toby moved to lay on him, the two of them heaving for breath.

“No wonder it takes us so long to get the grass cut,” Toby joked, making the two of them giggle.

“Fuck its hot,” Keith whispered as he wiped his brow.

“Let’s cool off.”

“I thought you wanted to fish. If we jump in, they will not…”

“Come on, please?”

That’s all it took. That’s all it ever took and the two of them climbed to their feet, stood side by side on the end of the pier and jumped, yelling like schoolboys.

!

Keith lay on his bed, covers kicked off. He had a hand down in his boxers toying with his cock. He was frustrated more than horny, but he did it anyway. He needed to feel something. To know he still could. He grew erect slowly, stubbornly slow. He almost stopped, so frustrated he wanted to cry. But he kept manipulating his cock until it finally responded, and he pushed his boxers down until around his knees. He worked his legs, until he was able to kick them off. He lay naked, cock in hand, and felt nothing. The quiet of the house was stifling and all he could hear was his own breathing and grunts. He sounded aggravated in lieu of aroused.

He never leaked precum, not aroused enough to do so. He stroked his dry cock, letting it hurt some. When he finally felt his release build, he closed his eyes and imagined it. Against everything he tried not to do, he did it. He pictured Toby, naked, on top of him. He came, cum dribbling out and over his hand until he was a mess. He carelessly wiped his hand on the sheet and rolled over to go to sleep. He would lay awake for half the night, sleep not overtaking him until his fatigue was too great to stop it.

Frames of Life

?

Keith was so nervous, he tripped going up the sidewalk to the apartment where Toby lived. It was their first real date, having met the night before. Only hours before, Toby and he had been in his bed, but now that he was approaching the apartment door, he realized this was a first step to what he hoped would be something pleasant. A first date that led to other dates. To going out to restaurants, or preparing a meal at home, imagining the two of them working together in its preparation. He imagined the comfort of another in his bed, and the indescribable joy of waking with them by his side.

He had worried about what to wear. Should he be casual or dressed up? Jeans and t-shirt, or dress shirt and khakis?  In the end he wore a white dress shirt with one of his better pair of jeans. At the door, looking at the number 24 over the peephole, he hesitated, taking a moment to compose himself. Then he knocked.

Toby answered the door and Keith laughed, seeing him in a white dress shirt and jeans. Toby looked him up and down, then down at his own attire and laughed.

“Come on in, and let me put on a different shirt,” said Toby, standing back to let Keith enter.

“Don’t bother,” Keith replied, but was secretly glad to see Toby ignore him as he disappeared into the bedroom. A minute later, Toby came out pulling a black t-shirt into place. There was a flash of stomach and the arms bulged as they worked the t-shirt down and tucked it in.

“I’ll be the bad one tonight,” Toby joked motioning to the black t-shirt and turning in place.

Keith laughed, and for the first time that evening, didn’t feel a nervous wreck. “You ready to go?”

“Yep.”

Keith drove them to Greenville, pulling into the small town and parking near the restaurant that sat in an old hardware store. The lights inside were low, glimmers of ember from exposed bulbs glowing through the storefront. In front, a few were talking, either just leaving or arriving for dinner. Keith led Toby past them and inside, seeing the looks, knowing how it must appear. But he knew the area. They may suspect, but if not confronted with two gay men, they’ll keep quiet, voicing their prejudices and judgments amongst themselves.

The hostess met them as soon as they walked in and led them to a table on the far wall. It was positioned under a mural of a garden of vegetables, the plants in full bloom or just producing their first crops, with bees and butterflies hovering over all the plants. Toby ordered the wine, and once glasses were sat before them, they ordered dinner.

Their conversation would move beyond the milestones of each one’s life, to the more personal aspects. Those events and people who influenced them, made them who they were today. They talked about their agnosticism, neither ready to fully embrace what they knew to be true, and when someone came in wearing a political t-shirt, their conversation drifted to politics and the despair they felt as it seemed the country was going backwards in so many ways. Then they talked about goals in life, something that Keith didn’t know how to express. How do you say you want to be a good farmer, someone who respects the land and the bounty it can offer? How do you explain a desire to do things differently, as different as the life you so desperately want for yourself? Toby listened, at times giving him the words he struggled to find. Then Toby told of his own goals. He wanted to be a nurse, a real nurse that did more care and less paper pushing. He knew the latter had to be done, but he didn’t want it to dominate his professional life. He saw himself in a small practice, one that took care of all the people, regardless of their status in life, or their physical appearance.

And the night progressed until they were the last one’s at a dining table.

!

It had been six days. Six long, sleepless, agonizing days. Keith found himself dumping his dinner into the garbage, unable to eat it. He paced the area between the kitchen and living room, picking up his keys and putting them back down so many times he lost count. He had been sad before, felt the pain of loss he didn’t think he could ever get over, but this was different. This wasn’t his grandmother, or one of his friends from grade school who just didn’t show up one day, only to hear later there had been an accident at the farm. This didn’t have to be permanent, to leave him with a hole inside that would never be filled.

The argument seemed so ridiculous. Of course, it was better to have a job waiting before quitting the one you had, but what about the position Toby kept finding himself. The way he was always the one taking up the slack, the one staying late, day after day. He had no right to challenge Toby on what he had done, for he didn’t know what it was like to have others dictating your every move. As a farmer, his only real nemesis was the weather, something no one could control.

His mind was a scrambled mess of thoughts, and he couldn’t focus on any one of them, much less what was on the television or what sounds of the night were being made outside. The passing of a pulpwood truck, a motorcycle that revved with a high pitch squeal, or the other traffic that ran on the old two-lane road. He grabbed up his keys again, this time determined to go. He slipped on his sandals, put his cellphone in his pocket and headed to the back door. He flipped off the lights as he swung it open and froze when he saw him standing on the other side, hand raised to knock.

“Toby?”

*

A year had passed since that night, the one that found Toby standing at Keith’s back door. A year after their only real argument. There had been many minor ones since, little disagreements that one or the other would quickly give in, letting the other have their way. There had been a couple of weeks of them regaining their footing and make-up sex, then the months of living together. They never denied their relationship, admitting it to those bold enough to ask. There were admonishments, judgments of the most primitive kind, but there had been support and acceptance too.

The master suite addition was finished last month, and now the yard was simply decorated. A few flowers arranged in the rear yard, the focal point a small platform with two arrangements on each side, and the peach trees in full bloom behind it. The Henderson’s boys were playing music, soft instrumentals that seemed to still the air. Their family and friends sat in the white chairs arranged in two small groups, leaving an aisle between them. Keith’s second cousin, Curtis, moved down the aisle, someone able to perform the ceremony, and the music changed to an old familiar song, the one used at nearly every event such as this.

Keith and Toby came down the aisle, holding hands and smiling nervously. They moved slowly, afraid of tripping, until they were on the platform, facing Curtis. The ceremony was short, but more honest than most. They traded rings, slipping them on the other’s finger, then kissed, Keith turning red, embarrassed by this public display. Everyone stood, cheering them, as they moved back down the aisle.

Then they partied, celebrating this union, and the next phase of their lives.