I'm Not Gay

I wasn’t sure what to do. His response was completely unexpected. I didn’t know exactly what I thought would happen. I had only hoped for a less angry and violent outcome than we had before, but this totally derailed me. 

Blaine sobbed softly into the crook beneath my collar bone, his pants still pulled down below his ass, his naked chest rising and falling in sharp bursts against me. I was motionless for a second, still in shock. Then came utter sadness and compassion. 

I didn’t want him to hurt like this. I loved him. It pained me deep to feel as though I was causing this despair for him. I wanted to fix it, I wanted to somehow take hold of all of his pain, wrap it up in a tight ball and discard it on the woodland floor. I knew I couldn’t though, and that frustrated me beyond belief. 

Hesitantly, I moved my arms back around his body. I was incredibly nervous that any movement on my part would either cause him to jump up and hurt me, or inflict more pain. I used one hand to gently pull his joggers back up to conceal his ass. I felt his hand move reflexively to help me. Next I shimmied my own pants back up under his weight, the entire time trying to move as gingerly as possible. I worried he was that of a scared animal; that any sudden movement would cause him to run off. I wanted nothing more in this moment than to hug him. 

Despite the sadness rolling off of him in waves, heaving into my body with a force of emotion so sudden and unbelievably heavy, I worried I would be overwhelmed and crash under the weight of it. I wanted to hold him. I had wanted to be this close to him for so long that the actuality of it left me breathless. 

I closed my arms around his back, cradling his body against mine and moved my head slightly so that my cheek was resting in the curls of his hair. His hair was still so unbelievably soft, and I took a stolen moment to breathe in his scent, still feeling so forbidden to me, so masculine.

I felt his arms move again, and this time they were reaching up under my back and arms. I was frozen still until they came to rest on my shoulders. He pulled me into him even more firmly as he wept, and my body relaxed slightly. I eased back against him, the heat against our bodies felt like a furnace. It warmed parts of my heart I had never felt before. I loved this boy. I loved this complex, confused, beautiful, contradictory, selfish boy. 

I realized the hate I had felt for him; that I had carried had been misdirected. I was angry with him, sure. But the hate was really for only myself, that I had allowed myself to be in this position. To be hurt. 

Guilt started to eat away at me. I knew that I didn’t force him into this, that once again he had made the first move, but I couldn’t help feeling responsible for his pain. I hadn’t let myself think too much over the last few months after our initial cold encounter in the halls at school after Winter break, or when we finally talked in his truck, about the questions regarding his sexuality. It had been too confusing and painful for me, so I had shut them out. They had lingered, but thinking about them and falling into a whirlwind of questions always seemed too much for the tender tight rope we had been walking. 

My love for him and the feelings that made it up had never faltered, but I had shoved it so deeply that it was only in the quiet moments alone I let myself feel it, enveloping my body like a warm blanket briefly, before it started choking me under the weight of it. 

Now, all of it was exploding around me. Thoughts came at me in full force, questions, confusion. All at once, I felt overwhelmed and desperate to know what he was thinking, what was going on with himself and where he was with his own questions. From his reactions, now being analyzed side to side, seemed to be glaringly obvious that he HAD struggled, that he, just like me, had been burying these feelings, these emotions.

Emotions? Or just the age-old struggle between society's structure of sexuality. 

I tried not to blend the two together, for his sake. I tried not to let myself assume that just because I was the boy he had experimented with, he had any real feelings for me aside from friendship. The gnawing hole in my chest opened up just then and I felt breathless. It hadn’t gone away all of these months, instead it had sat waiting on me and once I acknowledged it, I felt completely out of control, on the verge of my own tears. 

It was only then I realized I was crying. Drops of tears falling down my cheeks, moistening his hair where it met my face.  

I don’t know how long we lay like that, both of us crying tears for different reasons and maybe some of the same. The log I was partially on was bearing into my back and it ached, but I tried to ignore it. I didn’t want to move and risk breaking the embrace. 

Eventually, as his sobs turned to soft tears, and then to peaceful silence, he gently lifted himself off me. As his body left mine, the trance was broken, interrupting my silent musing and self loathing. He was quiet as he stumbled to a seated position on the grass beside me. He looked down, mindlessly grabbing for his hoodie and throwing it back on. 

I allowed myself to lower from the log with a grimace, trying to be casual as I wiped the dirt and grass from my pants and shirt. I noticed that he was doing the same thing, slowly. As if every movement cost him any bit of energy he had. We were still silent, sitting next to each other. My mind was reeling, waiting for whatever reaction he was going to have. I still ached, wishing we were still holding each other. Wondering what was going through his head. Feeling the guilt and anguish as I contemplated the pain or, sadly, anger he might be feeling. I sat, muscles tensed, waiting. 

“I’m sorry.” He muttered softly, still looking at the ground and twirling one of the strings on his hoodie. 

“It’s okay,” I replied. “You don’t need to be sorry.” In actuality I was of two minds on this. I knew that he definitely should be apologizing to me. He was causing me pain too, but at this moment right now, the only thing that was prevalent to me was his pain, so I did mean it. 

“Yes I do.” He stated. 

I didn’t respond, waiting, hoping for him to say more. 

“I don’t know…” He trailed off before continuing, rubbing his face, his eyes closed. “I don’t know what that was.. Or..” He paused again. I was staring at him now, eagerly. Please give me something, I thought. Anything.

“Or how to feel about all of this.” He finished, his breath coming out quickly, like he had been holding it while he was trying to think of what to say. 

I wasn’t exactly relieved by his statement, but it did make sense in part. I could imagine he really didn’t know how to feel. Not that it made it any easier on myself. 

“You don’t have to.” I responded, truthfully. 

He didn’t look at me, and we sat silent again for a while, the sounds of the party drifting back towards us for the first time since I had ventured off to piss. I had felt completely sober once the sex had started, and I realized now that the onslaught of alcohol was beginning to affect me again. We were definitely still drunk. I wondered briefly what this would all look like in the sober light of day. 

“Thank you for..” His words broke, unsure of them. “For letting me.. Lean on you.” He finished. I knew he didn’t want to say cry, let alone break down. But I knew what he meant. 

“Of course.” I responded. “I’ll always be there for you.” I said, truthfully. 

His eyes slowly found mine, and there was surprising kindness in them as they looked back on mine. His hand grazed mine for a moment before he drew it back. 

“I know.” He whispered. 

He tried to stand up then, and wobbled like an animal learning to walk for the first time. I shot up instantly, and regretted it, almost falling back. We grabbed onto one another instinctively to steady each other. He looked worse than I did though, and without thought I dropped my head under his arm, putting my arm around his side. 

“We better get back.” I said. He nodded in agreement. 

It was an unsteady trek back to the bonfire. I worried that people would notice our clothes, and fear shot through me at what their assumptions might be. I had no idea how long we had been gone, and I couldn’t imagine what either of us would say or do if someone guessed correctly. 

As we reached back into the clearing, the bonfire still raging, I noticed that it probably wasn’t going to be an issue. Several people were passed out, and those that weren’t were still heavily engrossed in each other. The loud music waved passed my ears, and the fire blew sparks into the open sky above. It was momentarily overwhelming, and I felt Blaine and I’s bodies begin to lean to one side, neither of our equilibriums strong enough to hold us in place. 

I heard a soft shout, and noticed one of Blaine’s friends, Brian reaching out to steady us with a huge grin on his face. 

“Yo!” he shouted. “Y’all are smashed. What the fuck happened?” He laughed, eyeing our muddy grass covered clothes. He didn’t look suspicious though, just amused. 

“We fell out taking a piss.” Blaine spoke up, sounding more sober than I felt. “Or well I fell out taking a piss, but ole boy,” He shrugged against me. “Luckily he was able to catch me, but we still fell over.” He chuckled, but I knew he didn’t really find it funny. 

I smiled weakly, but the weight of both Blaine and me was beginning to be too much for my alcohol filled brain.

Brian laughed, it echoed over us. “Y'all are idiots.” He exclaimed. “But way too drunk to drive home. I haven’t been drinking tonight, so I can drive you. My sister is here and she can follow me in my truck and take me home from your house if y’all want.” He offered. 

He had a thick southern accent, though it wasn’t that uncommon here. He was tall, a little on the heavy side, and he always wore wranglers, complete with cowboy boots and usually a hat. The typical Oklahoma cowboy, I noticed comically. I had never paid much attention to him in school, but I was suddenly grateful for his kindness. I hadn’t even planned on how to get home. 

“Yeah that’ll be good.” Blaine agreed, Brian slapping his shoulder and unsteadying us all over again. 

“Uh yeah I’d say so.” Brian said, laughing again. 

*****

The drive back to Blaine’s house was relatively quiet, aside from Brian’s intermittent chatter. He spoke of the party and who attended, commenting cheerfully, but I really wasn’t listening, trying to drown it out. From what I could tell, Blaine wasn’t listening either. 

Blaine’s truck was small, and it didn’t have backseats so we were all cramped in the front seat and the close proximity was unsettling. If Brian noticed our moods, he didn’t acknowledge it. I wanted more than anything to know what Blaine was thinking. He stared out the window the whole way home as we bounced out of the field, his face morose. He answered Brian curtly a few times when he was asked a direct question, but otherwise was silent. The motion was making me a little sick, and I wondered if it was affecting Blaine in the same way. 

I was nervous as we pulled up to his house, I wondered if once Brian was out of the picture, he would unleash on me. With a face turned to anger and regret, would he yell at me? Would he tell me again that he wasn’t gay and that I better keep my mouth shut? Or would it be worse than that? Would he be cold, silent, unforgiving in telling me that he didn’t want me around anymore? That it was over, we were done, and that the entire situation had sickened him? 

I shuddered at the thought. Despite everything, I still couldn’t bear the thought of losing him. The month of January was such a desolate existence. I hated to admit it, but he brought light into my life, he made me feel whole. Even if it was just as it was before tonight, even if the light he brought was dim, I knew I would accept it for what it was. It was that, or nothing at all. The hole in my chest gnawed again, my already nauseous stomach, twirling again. 

True to what he said, Brian’s sister pulled up behind us in his large old Dodge pickup. It was modified, I noticed with large tires, blacked out lights, and yes, truck balls hanging from the tailgate. Irritatingly typical. 

Blaine and I got out of the truck slowly, methodically. I truly felt like I could be sick at any moment, and my head was still swimming. 

“Y’all gonna be good?” Brian called out from the driveway.

“We’re fine,” I answered, doubting if that was true or not. 

“Aight then, see you Monday.” He turned then and headed back to the truck to switch seats with his sister. A moment later, and they were driving off. 

I couldn’t help but bend over, my hands on my knees as I breathed through my nose. The nausea was a little overwhelming, but the cold air helped. Drinking definitely wasn’t my thing, I thought through deep breaths. 

“You good?” Blaine asked, a little concern coloring his tone. I guess I should be glad that thus far, he hadn’t kicked me out. 

“I think so.” I answered, though I definitely wasn’t sure. We stood like that a moment longer. I didn’t see where he was, but at the time I really didn’t care. I just didn’t want to blow chunks. 

Finally, it subsided, and I gingerly stretched my body back up to make sure it wouldn’t return. I looked over to Blaine then, and he was watching me. Again I was struck with the intense desire to know what he was thinking, all of this uncertainty was driving me crazy. 

“I think I’m gonna head in….” He trailed off as he moved, suddenly careening forward, completely losing his balance in the grass. I sobered up immediately, and rushed forward to catch his body. 

“Whoa, don’t be a hero,” I joked. 

“Shit, I’m a mess.” He said, chuckling without humor. 

“Tell me something I don’t know.” I chided, holding onto him and walking us toward the door. I wasn’t sure if he was going to even let me in, but I was prepared to walk him to his bedroom. That could’ve just been selfishly however, as I was worried that once we departed, it would be months again like last time, till we spoke again. If we ever did at all. 

Thankfully, he held on to me as we crossed the threshold. He fumbled with his keys awkwardly, and we bumped into several things coming into the small foyer, neither one of our balances were very good. It would have been comical under different circumstances. The house was dark, quiet, his parents asleep in their bedroom. I was grateful then for trusting parents, though maybe they shouldn’t have been. 

We walked together down the hall and into his room. I realized this was the first time I had been back in his house, let alone his room, since December. I took a chance to look around, and take in the sights, heavy with the aroma of him. 

It was a small room, in a small house, like mine. Only he was much more disorganized than I was. His double sized bed was a mess with clothes, hats and random papers strewn all over the matchbox sized room. He had a desk, where his laptop lay open, and several candy wrappers, food wrappers and empty bottles festooned it. His tiny trash can was overflowing, and pairs of shoes lay awkwardly all over the floor, his closet door with the little basketball hoop hanging off the side of it, wide open. 

I didn’t mind the mess, like I had the first time I saw it. This time it was comforting. 

My body was straining with the weight of his, struggling enough to keep myself upright, I was beginning to lose the battle of carrying his. He must have understood because once inside the little room he all but collapsed on top of the bed. I stretched my body, fighting off another round of nausea, but it wasn’t as bad this time. 

In a matter of seconds, he had stripped off his hoodie, shoes and joggers. Only his blue boxer briefs remained as he pulled a portion of the covers over his body to his chest. He had an arm over his face as he breathed in deeply and groaned. I wanted nothing more than to crawl in beside him, but I thought better of it and prepared for the trek back to my own house. 

“I think I’m gonna head out man,” I said, turning to leave. “Do you need anything before I go? I’d say I’d put a trash can beside you, but as usual yours is full.” I joked halfheartedly. 

He still smiled though, removing his hand while he looked at me. I watched as he meticulously lowered his other hand, and grasped mine. There was a shock that wracked through my body, my heart seemed to skip a beat. It was always this way when he touched me, I realized now. 

I looked down at his hand, watching as it enveloped my own. The embrace of hands was soft, no real pressure to it, but our fingers danced slightly, feeling the softness of one another's hands, gripping onto the others fingers with curiosity. The feelings I had been accustomed to since I met him, seemed to be growing, spreading roots in areas of my body I never knew I had. They stemmed from the place where our fingers met one another. 

It had been only mere seconds of our touching as the warmth spread through my body. I hoped against hope that maybe he was feeling the same. 

Our eyes met then, as I spanned the length of his arm with my gaze, settling into the ocean of his eyes. They were soft, kind, only wanting, stared back at me. 

“Stay.” He whispered. The words were velvet in the air to my ears. My body seemed to move towards the words instinctively, as if to grab them, and pull me towards him. I could feel the blood rush to my cheeks, blushing shamelessly and I gave him a crooked unsure smile. 

“Are..are you sure?” I questioned. I didn’t know what to think anymore. I was a mass of confusing electrons, spiraling out of control to nowhere in particular. 

“Yes. Please.” He begged, yearning in his voice. “Just for now,” he continued, his eyes darting back to our still held hands, “I want you right here with me.” He finished. 

I knew I couldn’t deny him. More than that, I couldn’t deny myself. His power over me was so complete, so devout, I would follow him anywhere whether it be to my detriment or not. My body felt like it weighed a thousand pounds. It had been a long day, and an emotional roller coaster ride and whether I stayed or not, I didn’t know how much longer I’d be able to stand, let alone stay conscious. 

I drew my hand away, and in a motion that felt entirely sluggish and disorganized, I removed my clothes, copying his actions, leaving only my boxers on, and crawled in bed beside him. I was unsure at first, how close he wanted me, until I felt his arm curve around mine. His fingers found my shoulder, and I could feel his bicep underneath my head. He moved over slightly to make room, and pulled my body up beside his. 

The surprise I felt was outweighed by the electricity I felt between our bodies. He kept pulling until I was directly beside him. His scent was strong, my head nestled in the crook of his shoulder, up against his neck. I could feel the hair under his arms tickling the back of my neck. 

We sighed at the same time, mine with contentment, his was..Who knows. 

I had never felt more comfortable, more complete than I did at that moment. I let my head rest and I felt like my body had melted into his. I could feel the heat radiating between us, but it felt cozy. I could hear his breathing as it mellowed out evenly, and I knew when he was asleep. I stole a glance at him once. His face was completely calm, peaceful. His mouth hung open only slightly. 

The thoughts of what could come tomorrow tried to invade my little piece of heaven but I kept them away. As sleep took me, I took complete solace in the comfort, the safety, and the haven of his body next to mine.

*****

Waking up the next morning was a slow sluggish affair. It seemed to take every bit of the lacking energy I had just to open my eyes. The harsh morning sunlight streamed in through the window and stung my half open eyes. I winced painfully, rolling from my side onto my back and rubbing my eyes with the back of my hands, half tempted to pull the pillow back over my face and try to go back to sleep. 

I hadn’t processed where I was yet though, the events from last night were foggy and disjointed so it took me a while to realize that I was in Blaine’s bed and not my own. I gasped, sitting up in a flurry as the memories came back to me in bright penetrating flashes. 

The bonfire with Blaine. The drinking, so much drinking. Taking a piss, his body on top of mine, his cock in my mouth and my ass. The look of pure desire on his face, the feeling of being wrapped up in him. His soft tears when it was over, the ride back to his house, the nausea and..

I looked over then; he wasn’t in bed beside me as we had been last night. The pit in my stomach opened up. My head was still spinning, my entire body felt awkward and foreign to me. I worried what his reaction would be this morning, if we had still been curled up together. What he must have thought had he not remembered what had transpired between us, or worse yet if he HAD remembered. A shiver crept up my spine and I found myself desperately wanting to see him. I wanted to know how bad it was going to be and what outcome I needed to prepare myself for. 

A smell hit my nose then. Bacon. My stomach growled and I figured Blaine’s mom must be in the kitchen whipping something up. I didn’t want to be hungry, not with all the worry and panic that I was dealing with now. I stayed sitting in the bed, dropping my head into my hands with anxiety, unsure of how to proceed. Should I grab my clothes and sneak out the front door? Should I try and wait for Blaine? 

I was still caught up in the mental anguish when the door opened. It was Blaine, pausing in the doorway. He was still shirtless, but he had thrown on a pair of basketball shorts, the V line where his hips and abs drew down was incredibly alluring. The sunlight radiated off his toned naked upper body, and I took in the splendid sight of him. Wherever I was, whatever the mood, he always took my breath away. 

His hair was messy, and he had lines on his face from being pressed into the sheets and it was undeniable that physically he felt as awful as I did. However, his face wasn’t unkind. He didn’t look frightened or angry, just quizzical. I couldn’t exactly fit the right word for it and while it wasn’t scary, it wasn’t exactly settling either. 

“Mom cooked breakfast. I was fucking famished, so I figured you’d be too.” He said, carrying in a plate full of scrambled eggs and some pieces of bacon. The smell wafted in again, stronger this time and I was ravenous. The curiosity over what was coming next, or if we would even talk about it at all, took a backseat to my hunger. 

“Oh man, thanks I am really hungry.” I took the plate from him, and began picking at the food. It felt amazing as it hit my stomach. I couldn’t help letting out a contented sigh as I ate. 

Blaine laughed, sitting on the bed across from me. He was a few feet from me, definitely putting some space between us but he wasn’t running the other way. Yet. He let me eat in silence, checking his phone and scrolling facebook. The moment I was done, the curiosity became too much to bear. 

“Hey list…” We both started talking at once, and we paused to laugh awkwardly. 

“You go.” I offered, sitting the plate down. He looked tentative, absentmindedly pulling and twisting his curls.

“Well.. About last night.” He trailed off again, my eyes were fixed to his face. I wasn’t going to look away this time. Whatever he told me, I was going to try and take it the best I could. “Well I.. Thank you again for just letting me fall apart like that. It sort of struck me out of nowhere. It’s not something that usually happens to me, you know, crying like that.” He said, scratching his head again. He looked uncomfortable and anxious as he continued. 

“Look, I’m really sorry man about.. About everything.  I never should have treated you that way at Christmas. I don’t even really know what that was about. I feel like I don’t even know who I am anymore dude. It’s very confusing, but it was wrong and I hate myself for it. Not just that but how I acted when we went back to school. Just know, I didn’t know what I was doing but I fucking missed my friend. I missed you.” He paused then, looking at me sheepishly. I could tell the conversation was incredibly difficult for him to get through and I found myself wanting to wrap my arms around him again, to try to take some of the difficulty and hurt. I wanted to put it on myself again. Instead, I stayed seated, willing my body to let him finish. 

“Then we became friends again, and I totally fucked up my apology to you in the truck. I wanted to say all of this to you then, but I got scared and I mean I really am so confused dude. I don’t know what I am!” His voice hiked, and his breathing got a little ragged. He stood up, hands on his hips, pacing as he continued. “Like, who am I? What is all of this about? I just don’t understand it. But, I tried to put all of that away. I wanted my friend back and we were friends again. Yeah, it was weird and different and it didn’t feel the same, but you were back in my life and that was good. Then last night!” His voice hiked again, a little louder and I worried suddenly that someone might hear. I ground myself to the bed. 

“Then last night. It was a great night. I finally felt like we were back to normal and.. I fuck it all up again. Or maybe it wasn’t a fuck up. I don’t even know dude. I felt..” He sighed. “I mean it felt good.. But I just don’t know man. I just don’t know.” He finally finished, sitting back down on his desk chair, his head falling onto his hand, leaning back. 

My mouth was slightly open. Shock radiated through me like a thunder bolt, his words reverberating in my head. I didn’t know how to respond. I had tried so hard to keep from interrupting that by the time he finished, words were escaping me. 

Relief was next to flow through me, passing over me like a comfortable blanket. He wasn’t freaking out, or maybe he was, but not in the way I had been fearing. He DID love me. Even though he hadn’t said the words and even though it may have been only just as friends, knowing that after all these months and everything we had gone through felt like it might knock me over. 

That he finally apologized, really apologize for the way he had treated me moved me. I wasn’t expecting that. I had wanted it ever since that first night, but I never really expected it would happen. It didn’t necessarily fit with his personality. Blaine wasn’t a dick, at least to me aside from our one past experience, but he had never seemed like someone who would barr his emotions in such a vulnerable way. I had never seen him be truly vulnerable, I realized now. It was as if the veil over our time together was starting to lift and I was seeing him in another truthful light. 

I always had felt that I knew him like no one else truly did, but now that felt like a farce. Because there was more to him, much more than even I knew, showing himself to me now. I felt a small pain at that fact, at my presumption, but it was quickly replaced with yearning. I wanted to know more. At the same time I realized that he probably didn’t really know me. The past months since we’d known each other, our deep talks suddenly felt completely surface. 

I looked over at his angelic face, so full of indecision and strife. The same feeling of wanting to comfort took over again. I knew I needed to say something to him. 

“I’m not going to say it’s okay. But I will say that I understand man. Really, I do. Yeah, you’re right I was very hurt with how you treated me both during and after we had sex the first time.” I paused, measuring his response. We had never said the actual word in describing what had happened between us and I was nervous now that once it had been spoken, he would backtrack. He didn’t say anything though, and his eyes were on me intently as I continued. “And when you refused to talk about it that day in your truck. You’re my best friend and I fucking love you man.” I stated. The word vomit was coming again, too long being held back and I decided that now I was going to let it all out. All the vestiges of my longing and desire and will not to tell him how I felt, were falling down around me. 

“Yes.” I continued. “I said I love you and I do. Maybe you don’t love me as a friend, maybe you do, maybe you have feelings for me, maybe you don’t, but for once I’m going to be completely honest with you. I love you. I’m not going to ask you how you feel about me, because I’m sure you don’t even know, and you don’t have to, but I had to finally tell you that.” I finished, glancing at him. My cheeks were flushed and my entire body was hot. I had the urge to run, but I stayed seated, suddenly regretting the earlier breakfast. 

Blaine’s breathing had quickened, and I noticed that he was also blushing. I didn’t know why, probably out of uncomfortability. Since I said the words “I love you,” his eyes had been glued to me, piercing through me, searching with confusion. Now that I had stopped, he let his eyes drop and his finger was tapping against the faux wooden desk. I decided I would keep talking, unable to let the silence permeate too long. 

“Also, yeah, so we had sex.” His eyes met mine again instantly, but I kept my voice low. “Yeah, it happened but.. But I don’t regret it man. I know you have conflicting feelings about the entire thing but, to me, it was amazing. I hate it that you’re struggling now man, but I want you to know I don’t regret it.” I said, repeating the words again. I let myself stand, and move closer to him, sitting back down on the corner of his bed.

“I’m sorry that you’re going through this. I know this shit is hard, and maybe we don’t get to be friends, but I do accept your apology. I hope I don’t lose you, but I do get it man if that’s how it has to be. Just know that whatever happens, I love you and I want to be your friend. I’m your friend first and foremost and nothing will change that unless you want it too.” I finished, finally feeling like every word that needed to be spoken from me, was out. I let my words hang in the air, as I watched him. 

We sat silently for a while, and I gave up watching him thinking that it would get awkward the longer I stared. He hadn’t looked back at me, instead keeping up the staccato of his fingers on the desk, breathing evenly and bobbing his leg up and down. I didn’t know exactly what I was feeling. Relief for sure that I had finally been able to tell him how I felt, but dread about what this might mean. I had promised to be his friend after all, but living up to that in actuality should this change everything would be difficult to say the least. 

“I don’t know what I am.” Blaine said, breaking the silence and my rapid thoughts. I looked over at him again, and his expression was morose. 

“Why do you have to be anything?” I countered. That seemed to stump him, and his brow furrowed as he thought.

“I guess I don’t. But I don’t even really know what that means.” He replied. I took a deep breath.

“What I mean is, why do you have to figure that out right now? Everything doesn’t have to be so black and white.”

He looked back and forth to me and the desk, pondering on what I said before he let out a deep sigh.

“That’s easier said than done, but I guess I get it.” 

“Hey, I’ve been through this. It may not have been the same, I know for sure what I prefer, but you aren’t alone in this.” I offered, looking at him, hoping he would look back. 

“I know,” was all he said, still not looking at me. We sat in silence again before he spoke back up. 

“I do love you man.. As a friend!” He stuttered, unsure of himself. “But I know I love you, I’m sorry I’ve never said it. You are literally the best friend I’ve ever had” He offered, looking at me now a bit uneasy, but smiling. 

His grin, matched with his dimples was too much for me, and I couldn’t help but smile back. His admission had hurt, though I knew to expect anything else from him right now would be unfair. 

“Right back at you.” I responded, tapping his hand with mine and letting it linger even though I shouldn’t have. He choked out a laugh, but he didn’t move his hand away. We sat that way for a few seconds, before he finally moved. Suddenly, a question came to mind that I decided not to ignore. 

“Can I ask you something?” He looked up at me, head back in his hand as he circled in his chair from left to right.

“Yeah I guess.” He responded walefully. 

“Well, I’m just wondering..” I trailed off, suddenly unsure of myself. “If you um.. If you enjoyed it.. When we..” I couldn’t bring myself to say the word sex again, even though I knew it was stupid. “When we fooled around?” I whispered, not looking at him. 

There was a long moment before he responded and I wondered what he looked like right now as my question lingered in the air. 

“It was.. Different. But.. Yeah man. Yeah I actually did.” He stated, a little more sure of his answer as he finished. I couldn’t help but grin, even though I wasn’t sure how he would take it.

“That’s good.” I said softly, blushing again. I looked up at him and he was smiling too. It took me a bit by surprise. 

“And you.. Enjoyed it too, right?” He asked hesitantly. I was shocked by his question, couldn’t he have been able to tell how much I loved it? How it had made me feel? I had only had sex a few times before him, but those experiences had paled in comparison to the passion, the lust, the rawness of sex with Blaine. It had been, by definition, life changing to me. 

“Enjoyed" would be an understatement.” I admitted, letting myself fall back to the bed out of embarrassment. 

“Hm, really?” He asked, almost in disbelief. 

I covered my face with my hands. “Without a doubt man.” I answered. 

He chuckled, and it warmed me. The sound of his laugh was music to me, and I felt my stomach do flip flops, blood rushing south again, unable to stop imagining our carnal acts with one another. I tried not to let my dick get confused, I didn’t know what was going to happen with us, and I couldn’t risk causing harm just because my hormones were out of control around him. I readjusted my lengthening dick and turned over slightly so as to not attract attention, flipping the blanket around so that it covered my bottom half. 

When I met eyes with Blaine again he was still smiling, and I couldn’t tell if he had noticed my distraction. 

“I aim to please.” He joked, cocking his eyebrows and winking in an over exaggerated way.

“Shit, don’t make me regret saying that.” I countered, resting my head on one hand. We were both laughing now, and it felt therapeutic to joke as we always had.

“Too late.” He mocked.

As the sound of our laughter drifted off, his face became serious again like he was trying to make sense of his thoughts. I hated seeing the turmoil in his eyes, but I knew there wasn’t anything I could do now. He was going to have to figure this out.

“Alright dude, I’m gonna take a shower. You want one after me?” He asked, shaking away the thoughts from earlier as he stood up. I could feel the tension in the room dissipate and though it felt like there was a lot left to sort through, I was grateful for the change in subject. 

“Yes please.” I responded, suddenly becoming aware again of how gross my body felt.  

“Okay, I’ll be right back.” He said, grabbing a fresh pair of underwear and a shirt from his drawer and heading out the bedroom door. 

Once he was gone, I sent a text to my Mom letting her know I would be spending some more time with Blaine for the day. I realized after I sent it that I wasn’t exactly sure if I would be or not, but I would worry about that once Blaine got out of the shower. 

I laid out on his bed languidly while I waited, playing through our conversation in my head. I felt not exactly better, but definitely a little more at ease after getting out almost all of my thoughts and feelings from the last several months. I knew that the ball would be in his court now, not that it hadn’t always been to some extent, but that all of my cards were now out on the table. He knew how I felt, and what I wanted. It was up to him now. The thought of his rejection still picked at the scab wounds of the hole in my chest, but I felt a sort of sudden rush of confidence. 

If he did reject me, I would find the power in some way to move on from him. I knew that I couldn’t continue going on the way I had before, in angry reverence to the situation or in a massive pathetic manic depressive mess either. I hoped the confidence would last, though I knew the pain would be immense.

I always knew that our conversation had opened a lot of doors that I didn’t know existed to this point. I felt a new yearning to know him more deeply than I had before, and it washed out all my past assumptions about who he was and what he might be going through. 

He came through the door then, hair dripping wet in a curling sprawled mess, still shirtless but wearing new underwear. The smell of his body wash and deodorant hung in the air like a masculine cloud, and I was momentarily distracted by the rush of blood from my head to my crouch. The desire was still ever present, but it had changed. It had morphed over the last hour into a new being. Desire, passion and adoration had coalesced into its own entity and the revelation was sudden, if not surprising. 

I tried not to stare, as always, too long as his freshly exfoliated skin awash in the sunlight. He had briefly looked at me as he came in, but his face was kind.

“I’m all done man.” He said, sitting back at the desk and grabbing for his phone. “Man that felt good.” He smiled as he finished.

“Uh yeah I bet.” I responded, suddenly remembering I didn’t have any of my own clothes to change into. 

“Um, do you mind if I borrow some shorts and a shirt? I don’t have any clean clothes here.” I laughed nervously, but Blaine just shrugged, looking at his phone.

“Go ahead, not the first time.” He reminded me. 

“Okay thanks.” I rummaged through one of his drawers for a pair of shorts, then picked up a ratty t-shirt from his closet and headed to the shower. 

It felt undeniably good, standing under the hot rushing water as I let it fall over my body. I lathered with intensity as my mind raced over last night's events and this morning's conversation. I was playing all the different scenarios in my head and thinking what I might have said or done differently. 

Once I finished, running a comb through my hair and borrowing some of Blaine’s deodorant, I skipped back to his room. I wasn’t going to borrow any underwear from him, so I just went commando. Not something I did often, but it did feel freeing under the thin layer of fabric from the shorts I borrowed. I felt strangely aroused this time, at the thought of being naked in a pair of Blaine’s shorts, but I tried not to let my thoughts run away from me. The last thing I needed was a runaway boner screwing things up right now. 

Once through the door, I stopped short, mouth wide open as I took in the sight in front of me. Blaine was sitting in the chair, eyes glued to me, a faint crooked grin on his face. One hand was softly dragging over his bare chest, while the other was wrapped around his now fully hard eight inch cock, the lip of his boxers tucked under his balls. He winked at me, taking the hand from his chest and slapping his dick against it twice. The thunk sound it made, echoed in my ears. 

I was stunned to say the least. This was not at all what I was expecting, and yet I didn’t feel like I should be surprised, he had always been unexpected and he continued not to disappoint. I was still standing quite still, mouth hanging open. At least the door was firmly shut behind me. I was vaguely aware of how mystified I was as to how I should proceed. He wasn’t drunk this time, and he wasn’t angry. He knew how I felt, I knew how he felt. It was the cold light of morning and he was looking at me like a snack. Like prey. It was overwhelmingly erotic. 

I felt my cock uncoil like a snack, unfettered by underwear, and pronounce itself proudly in the tent of his shorts. Almost unconsciously, my hand reached behind me to slip the lock shut on his door. He smiled wickedly at me. 

“Don’t just stand there,” he whispered, voice slick with lust. “Don’t you want a taste?” He chuckled and it sent a delicious shiver through my entire body. I did want a taste. I wanted to taste every bit of that delectable body on every part of my tongue. 

Part of me wanted to check with him again, to make sure that this was okay, but I couldn’t help the pull he had on me and once again I didn’t want to risk missing out on what was being laid out in front of me. 

“Oh yes,” I muttered. “Very much.” I slipped to my knees in front of him, scooting towards him. Our eyes were locked on each other this time, neither of us shying away. We bared all in this moment, knowing full well in each of our minds what we were doing.

He was still holding his cock in one hand, lightly thumping it against the other. As I came closer he eyed me up and down. He removed one hand and placed it gently around the back of my head, close to the neck. Still holding the base of his cock, he maneuvered my mouth towards it but stopped me from putting it in, leaving the heat radiating mere millimeters from my lips. I could see the glistening precum and my mouth watered with anticipation. 

I slipped my tongue out and gently lapped at his missile shaped head as it pulsed, aching to be touched. He let out a satisfying groan and the smile broadened across my face. I continued this for a moment, lapping and teasing the head with my tongue. Finally, after what felt like an eternity he guided me onto his cock. It was my turn to moan, he tasted like pure masculinity as he filled up my throat to bursting. The smell of his body wash, and the light scent of musk coming from his balls below burned in my nose. I moaned again without thinking.

I wasn’t in control. He led the way this time with what to do, leaving only control of my tongue and tensing throat muscles as I massaged his cock with both. He would pull me all the way down as I choked and the spit gurgled around his cock, then back up. My gag reflex was back, but each time I sputtered and coughed on his dick, he moaned louder and more gutterly. I loved servicing him like this, and my hand reached for my own cock, lightly rubbing it through his shorts that I wore. 

He had his hand pressed firmly on my head and neck now. He pushed me down, bucking his hips as my lips met the base of his cock, I would gag and he’d release me only part of the way up, then back down. He kept this up for a minute. I tried my best to continue breathing only through my nose, but it was getting more difficult. Truthfully, if I didn’t have to breathe I wouldn’t care, I was completely lost servicing his throbbing dick. I wanted it in my mouth for as long as possible. 

“Yeah man, suck that cock. You know you fucking love it.” He muttered breathlessly. Both of his hands were on my head now. He let me off his dick just long enough for me to take two ragged breaths before jackknifing his hips and shoving the entire length back in my throat. 

“Fuck yes.” I gurgled, trying to speak around his length. He laughed, and it was music to my ears. 

He continued bucking his hips in rhythm, holding my head by my ears. Our eyes would briefly meet, but besides the roughness of the situation there was no malice in his stare. 

He stopped suddenly, and still holding my head he met my lips with his quickly. The heat was intense where our lips met, as it had been last night. I was momentarily stunned by the electricity. What was meant, I’m sure to him, to be a quick kiss, morphed into something more passionate. Our tongues were desperate to touch, our mouths engulfed each other as we  moaned into the other's mouth. We kept going, our faces turned as we explored with our tongues, once again dancing and darting around to meet again. 

His breath on mine, the feel of his tongue, the softness of his lips, the intensity with which he held my head was causing my body to overheat. I felt as if I could blow at any moment. My body felt weightless again, aside from the pressure in my balls and the single point where our lips touched.  

Our kiss softened, and he bit on my lip softly as he broke the contact, leaning back in the seat. He seemed surprised, as he breathed heavily. I couldn’t help but smile at him, his dimples pronounced themselves when he smiled back at me. It was my turn to be out of breath now, but I didn’t waste any time. I dove back onto his cock with fervor, rotating my hand as I sucked, massaging the shaft with my tongue in deep deliberate swaths. He moaned louder, and had to bite on his bottom lip. We both smiled, me with his cock still buried in my mouth, him through the bit lip.

“No one has ever my dick like you bro,” He spoke through grunts. “You’re so fucking good at this shit.” He chuckled, leaning his head back again with another moan. 

“Mmhm.” I responded, too busy with his dick to say more. But his praise was all I needed, my body went into overdrive with desire and I suddenly remembered my plan to taste him. 

I grinned at him, my hand still slowly stroking as I began my deliberate trek up his body. My mouth pecked softly, and licked a line straight up his torso, tracing the lines of his abs with my tongue. I kissed each nipple, running my nose in the definition between his pecs. I moved over swiftly from there, brushing my lips against his collar bone. Blaine was eyeing me, a low moan trapped in his throat. He had replaced my hand on his cock with his own, and the other had moved against the small of my back. Inwardly, I was delighted by how much more intimate his touch had become and that he wasn’t shying away from my more delicate musings. 

Gently, I lifted his left arm. I started with his fingers, one then two and three in my mouth. They tasted clean, but still a bit salty. I relished in the taste, closing my eyes as I gave each one attention. Letting them go, I kissed down his hand, letting my tongue out again as I reached his forearm and bicep, running it over the veins that protruded there. My dick ached ridiculously as Blaine stroked it at a snail's pace, intentionally building up the pressure in the head and balls. 

When I reached his armpit, the place I had lusted after for months, I paused. I knew I couldn’t explore it with my tongue as he had just applied deodorant there not thirty minutes prior, but I let my head and nose loom in the indentation as I breathed in his scent. Though covered with the anti perspirant, the same powerful manly scent still reached me and I wished I could spend forever bathing in the delirious smell. His laughing broke my concentration. 

“You like that huh?” He said gruffly.

“Fuck. You have no idea.” I responded. I didn’t want to move, but I did anyway. Continuing my exploration over his neck and ears. He shivered slightly, and my body responded as well, goosebumps raised all over my skin. I felt my whole body tingling with anticipation of what would come next. I lowered back down, retracing my kisses and licks, passing back by his cock, still in his hand. I let my mouth wander down his inner thighs reveling in the blonde hair that covered them, over his strong calves and down to his feet. I raised one carefully, watching him for any sign that he was uncomfortable. He wasn’t giving any. 

I let my tongue wander carefully over the sole of his foot. It jerked slightly, but then relaxed. I rubbed my face against the bottom of it, cresting the top, I took each toe in my mouth as I had his fingers and sucked them lightly.  

“My turn yet?” He asked, grinning. The pace in which he jerked his cock had quickened, and I knew I was running out of time but there was one more space I hadn’t got to yet, and I wasn’t letting it pass me by again. 

“One more second.” I pleaded through a wide grin. He nodded once.

Again, I retraced my steps, but quicker this time. As I reached back to his cock, I twirled my tongue around the head three times, and placed my hands under his knees to lift them up. He looked confused, but complied. 

“I have to taste you.” I explained. His lips pursed, unsure of what was coming, but he never stopped jerking his pulsing cock. 

The second his ass had spread and I gazed at his furry hole, I was ravenous. A beast spotting his prey for the first time, I was hungry with only one thing in mind to satiate my hunger. As I pressed my face and nose against it, I breathed in deeply and outstretched my tongue to his hole. I was slow at first, tongue darting out briefly against it and retreating, but my pace quickened soon, and before long I was face deep in him. Prying with my tongue for his hole to finally open to me. 

Blaine was moaning more and more, one arm behind his head. The longer I lapped with my tongue, the more his hole relaxed until I was finally in only a bit. That was all I needed and my mouth became ferocious, eating at what little I could get too. His taste, his smell, all of it flooded my senses as I rubbed my face against it. 

“Holy fuck Lyle, that shit feels good.” Blaine exclaimed, biting his lip again so as to not be too loud.

I growled into his hole with appreciation. 

Reluctantly, I stopped, licking my lips to keep the taste in my mouth for as long as possible. He was dazed but only for a second, before he was pulling me up in the chair on top of him. The chair creaked and I worried momentarily we would be too heavy for it, but I didn’t have long before our mouths met again and we were crushed against each other. I’m sure he could taste himself and that only made me want to give him more. 

I could feel him, rubbing his cock against my hole now, and my ass ached invitingly for him to be back inside of me. He stopped only briefly to spit in his hand. I caught it before he put it back down, and spit in it as well. He smiled at me before we returned to each other's lips. My arms were around his neck now, fingers deep in his curls. I had my legs bent at a position where I could lower myself and as he lined his cock head with my hole, holding it at the base to keep it steady, I let the head slip inside. 

I groaned loudly into his mouth as it breached the tight ring of my hole, and I tried lifting my head to grind my teeth, but his other hand was holding me against him, unwilling to break the kiss. As more of his cock slipped in, I grunted harder into his mouth, but he still didn’t let me go. The further he went, the more I realized he was distracting me from the pain, and as he bottomed out and finally let my head go, I shouted in a whisper. 

“Fuck!” He smiled at me. 

“Yeah bro, that dick feels so good inside of you. You’re so fucking hot like this.” He stated gruffly, our foreheads pressed together as I began riding him. 

His words empowered me, and I slid up, pausing only for a second before I slammed back down on him. 

“Fuck yeah!” I exclaimed, breathless. 

I kept hammering myself on him, fingers still wrapped in his hair. He had his hands firmly grasped on my hips as I bobbed up and down. Our moans together grew more frequent, as his cock pounded into the most sensitive area of my ass. The ecstasy as it slid over my prostate, then hammered into it almost making me jump off the chair, but I kept myself in place, heaving with pleasure unspoken sounds against Blaine’s mouth and then his neck. 

“Fuck, my legs are starting to give out.” I said after a few minutes of this, my eyes closing as my speed began to wane. 

“Then it’s my turn.” Blaine responded enthusiastically, and I jumped, gasping as he wrapped his arms around my back and effortlessly lifted me from the chair, holding me in the air with my legs wound around his waist, before we plummeted down to his bed. I didn’t have time to adjust before he was pulling my legs and swiftly turning me over to my stomach. He pushed at my legs again with his hands.

“Here, get on your knees on the edge of the bed.” He commanded. I had no trouble complying. 

He took only a few moments to tease my hole again, before he slid his entire cock back up inside me. I ground my teeth together, trying to hold in my passionate scream at how euphoric the sensation was. 

“Fuuuuuuck!” He hissed. 

He held his cock in for only a few seconds before he started the slow rhythm I had grown used to. He pulled out, just to the tip of his head, and slid back in methodically. He had held both my hips, but he let them drop and I glanced back at him. He was staring down at his cock intently, watching as it crept its way past my now battered entry and all the way into my slick ass. I sighed satisfactorily as I watched him. 

He was an adonis, his tight muscles glistening as they flexed to move inside of me. He looked back up at me and smiled briefly, grabbing back on to my hips. I had to lay my head back down as he picked up the pace. I knew what was coming and my dick jumped with anticipation. 

The smack of my ass as he drove his cock in was quieter this time than it had been in the woods, but the effect was the same. My words and thoughts became unintelligible as he rammed into me, sawing his cock in and out in a haze of thrusts. My ass was numb again, the intense overwhelming pleasure and desire rocketing through me from the bright spot inside of me as he jammed into it with increasing speed. 

I moaned out words that didn’t exist, suddenly aware I was drooling on his comforter, my eyes rolled in the back of my head again. 

As he began jack hammering me, I felt his hands dart up to my shoulders, then around my neck, pulling me upright at a sharp angle. 

“Fuck. Fuck yes.” He said. “Fucking take that fucking dick!” He whispered into my ear. 

“Fuuuuuuhhh…Ohhh yuhh…Ohhhh fuuuuuuuu.” It was all I could measure. The angle in which he had me, and the grip on my neck was causing my breathing to come in sharp and uneven. My head and neck strained from the pressure, and my eyesight became dim. I was in absolute heaven, bliss, nirvana. The essence of beauty, all other bodily or mental awareness of past experiences now a bleak existence compared to the wonder I was experiencing in this moment. From this particular position, he was hitting my spot with such power, such precision, such specific pressure that it sent chills throughout my body, vibrating as if I was being electrocuted, but in a way that wasn’t painful.

His grip around my neck tightened, and I could only get in a sliver of air, and making any sound was impossible, but all I wanted was more of the sensations he was creating in my ass.

“Fuck, I’m gonna cum.” He whispered to me. I couldn’t say anything, but I let out a rasping sound that I hoped was an expression of acceptance.

“You want me to cum? You want this nut?” He asked, completely pulverizing me with his body, his cock firmly lodged inside me, barely escaping at all before he plunged it back in. 

I hissed again and he chuckled. 

He rocked harder, and I saw spots. 

“Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck. Fuck!” He yelled out as quietly as possible, and he slammed into me once more, my ass filling with his seed for the third time, before releasing his grip on my neck and collapsing into me, forcing both of us to fall into the bed, panting. 

Blaine lay on top of me, arms still listless on either side of my body. His weight was crushing, but not uncomfortable. I appreciated the closeness of it all, so soon after he had unloaded into me again, and there was something almost intimate about it this time. 

No tears, another thing I was grateful for. I tried not to be too hopeful that we may be past at least a part of the complications that had arisen from our actions. His face rested on my shoulder blade, and I listened quietly as his breathing evened out. I hadn’t cum yet, but in the moment I didn’t care, ignoring how my dick continued to press into my stomach, yearning for release. 

I decided that this time, I would say something. 

“That was.. Unbelievably hot.” I admitted sheepishly, my stomach suddenly full of nerves. 

“It was.” He muttered in a disbelieving tone. I couldn’t help but smile, even though I was still scared of what his reaction would be. Each time it had been different and I was beginning to get emotional whiplash from all the back and forth. 

He rolled onto his back now, one arm still outstretched above me. I took the opportunity to be brave, and straightened myself on the bed, leaning my head to rest on it. He didn’t say anything, or move his arm, so I stayed. 

A wide range of emotions were screaming through my head. I wanted to be happy for the time I was getting to spend with him like this, but fear was ever present as well as how his mood could turn in an instant. Desire was still present too, my cock still rock solid laying against me, and I wanted more than anything to touch it. Apparently I was unaware that I was already doing so, and when Blaine’s eyes opened, they darted directly to it. 

I noticed, and stopped abruptly, but he kept staring before his eyes met mine. 

“Aren’t you going to finish?” He asked, the edges of his mouth pulling up in an apprehensive smile. 

“I mean, I’d like to, I just wasn’t sure.” I answered. It bothered me how completely unaware he seemed to be at how unsure of myself, my every little action and reaction around him especially in these situations. I tried to quell the resentment. 

“Dude, it’s only fair.” He said flatly. Again, I was bewildered. I still wasn’t sure if he really meant it or not, least of all how I should proceed. Both times before, I had finished while we were still in the throes of passion. To jerk off now, the fresh orgasm having faded for him, seemed awkward and weird to me. He noticed me puzzling over the situation. 

“I’m serious. You want me to go though, so you can finish?” He offered. I couldn’t tell what the expression on his face was. It could be irritation, but it almost seemed like hurt. 

“No, no man. Stay if it doesn’t bother you, I really do want to finish.” I admitted, and carefully, methodically, I let my hand wander back to my cock, slowly beginning to fist it in my hand. I couldn’t escape the pleasure I felt as I did, and my eyes slid shut, trying to shut out the awkwardness I had felt before. 

“Yeah man, get that nut.” He cajoled. I smiled. 

As I continued, I glanced back at him frequently, enjoying the sight of him still naked beside me, and let my eyes memorize every part of his body. He had leaned up with his head in his hand now, and to my amazement, he was watching me intently. I figured I might as well give him a good show if he was going to watch. 

I jerked harder, images of us on the chair, me exploring his tight body with my tongue, the power and sensations inside of me when he drove his cock home against my hole again and again. My breath escaped me in a rush, and I was taken aback when ropes of cum flew past me, spattering my chest, and stomach. I let the orgasm finish, relaxing my hand and arm, feeling like my body could melt into the sheets. 

“Damn.” Blaine exclaimed, and he was chuckling. “Guess I should definitely wash my sheets.” He joked. 

I was laughing too, still surprised he had stayed so calm beside me during my exercise. He threw me a towel from the floor then, and I cleaned myself up. We were quiet, but not awkward as we threw our clothes back on. 

Blaine laid back on the bed, both arms behind his head, eyes closed and I wondered about what might be coming next for us. My stomach felt empty despite the breakfast, and unwillingly the pit in my stomach opened back up. 

“Should I leave?” I asked quietly. 

“Why?” He asked, cocking an eyebrow as he looked at me. 

“I don’t know,” I said truthfully. “I don’t know how to act around you after all of this. I don’t know whether you’re going to punch me, yell at me, or.. Well I just don’t know.” I admitted. I was surprised the words had come out that way. I hadn’t meant for them to, and I waited anxiously for his response. 

“Lyle. I’m not going to do any of that. But you can’t think I know anymore than you do about where to go from here. I’m not gay.” He said. The words weren’t said in a hateful tone, but the last part stung all over again.

Part of me couldn’t believe he still needed to say those three awful words to me. It seemed entirely implausible to me that he could still believe that he was totally straight. Though he hadn’t said he was straight, I was pretty sure I knew that’s what he was implying. That he wasn’t gay, wasn’t bi, he wasn’t anything. 

“I know.” I said, sitting on the bed turned away from him. It was all I could say, everything seemed so jumbled in my head. 

“Hey,” he said, catching my attention, and patting my arm. He was sitting up, inches from me and staring at me with an endearing look on his face. 

I turned to stare at him, but didn’t respond. 

“You said we didn’t have to figure this out right now, and that’s the only thing I can give you. I don’t know if we’ll do it again, but you seem to affect me in a way no other guy ever has, and it’s beyond confusing to me. I know it’s not any kind of an answer, but it’s all I have for you Lyle. Just know, I’m not going to send you away and I’d never hit you unless you really deserved it.” He laughed nervously, but I could tell the meaning and honesty from his words. 

I smiled back. He was right, I had said that, and I could appreciate the honesty from him. I knew I was really putting myself in a position to be hurt, and the risk seemed at times to be unbearable, but what else was I going to do? I had already jumped off the cliff, no fighting gravity. 

“You’re right, and thank you.” I said. We both smiled, staring at each other for one long minute. Blaine broke the silence again, and I could tell he was shifting back to his usual self, creating distance between us and the conversation. 

“Okay, I’m hungry again, what about you?” He said, standing up. My stomach growled and he laughed. 

“Uh yeah, me too.” I responded. 

*****

The rest of the day passed normally. I felt satisfactory relief, once I realized that the bonfire had apparently broken us of our altered streak of friendship, and we seemed to have regained our former roles. Though it still felt different, it was better somehow, more open. We didn’t talk about anything serious still, but instead spent the day lounging around joking and skating around the neighborhood. 

The weather, unlike the previous night, was warmer so we didn’t struggle with the cold as we whipped around the curves in the neighborhood's roads. The way the wind blew through my hair, and over my ears in a screaming whistle, enthralled me. I felt freer somehow, lighter, and I was warmed further with the fact that Blaine was with me. 

It was decided almost instinctively that I would stay the night at his house again Saturday, but I didn’t let myself think that we were going to do anything besides sleep, deciding instead that I would let my assumptions about whatever the future held go, and let the chips fall where they may. 

We didn’t fool around that night, both of us falling asleep on his bed with a movie going. I had wanted to curl up next to him as we had the night before, but sleep took us both before any decision was made on that front. 

The next morning, however, I was awoken with Blaine’s dick on my lips. He was straddling me on top of the bed, and thumping it rhythmically against my mouth. I wasted no time in taking it down my throat. This time, we didn’t have sex, and as I worked his cock feverishly, I felt his warm load shoot down my throat within minutes as he groaned, head thrown back smiling. I smiled too, licking my lips for any trace of leftover cum.  

He flexed for me this time, as I jerked off, smiling and putting on a little show as he felt his body, running his hands over every sharp line and curve. I came quickly, again spraying my load all over me and the wall behind his bed. 

As the day progressed, our fooling around became more frequent. I was surprised by him and myself at just how many loads our bodies could produce and how much more easily the physical side had become. He took me in the shower, on the floor beside his bed, the entrance to my closet when we had stopped in briefly so I could change clothes, and one final time past nightfall, when we knew we’d have to sleep in separate beds. 

We never talked again, like we had Saturday morning about what it might mean or where it could be going, and I had resigned myself that it was okay. If this is what our friendship would look like now, I would take what I could get. At least it was in part, what I had wanted all along. 

We were still panting, pulling our clothes back on for what felt like the hundredth time today when he looked over at me, suddenly serious and forlorn. 

“Hey, I know I was wrong asking you not to tell anyone that you’re gay at school. I’m sorry, I know it’s not fair.” He offered, his tone sad. 

I knew he was wrong, and it wasn’t fair, but knowing what I did now and the tenuous grasp we had on this little slice of serenity, I suddenly wasn’t that worried about it. 

“I get it. It does suck, but for now, I can do that for you. Don’t worry about it.” I said, trying to sound casual. He half smiled. 

“Yeah, it’s just for now while I figure this shit out. I don’t know why I need you to keep it a secret, but I just do.” He ran a hand through his hair, irritated. 

“Hey, I said don’t worry about it and I mean it.” I grabbed his hand quickly, gave it a squeeze and let it go. 

“Thanks,” He said quickly before he stood up, grabbing his phone. “I’m still picking you up in the morning?” He asked, smiling. We hadn’t rode together to school since he got his truck and I was instantly pleased that we could start that tradition again. 

“Hell yeah!” I exclaimed. “Any excuse for me to not have to ride that stupid bus. Who the hell knows when I’ll get a car.” 

“Bet, I’ll see you then. Later.” He said, slapping my shoulder and strolling out the door. 

I smiled after him as he left, my good mood faltering as I remembered I had a ton of chores I had neglected this weekend. I had a paper due for History, laundry to go through, and a test I had completely forgotten to study for. 

As the night droned on, a nagging feeling kept pulling at me, but I couldn’t place where it was coming from. The feeling of dread kept creeping up the back of my neck. I was about to go insane as I crawled in bed, trying to figure out where it was coming from or what it might be about. 

In an instant, I shot up in bed. Eyes wide, body frozen, devoid of breath. I remembered. 

Friday. The bonfire. Drunk. Sheridan.

She knew.