I Hate My Life

I stood in front of the mirror and hated the face that looked back at me. Twenty-five and the closely cropped hairstyle didn’t hide the fact that I had half the hair I had when I graduated just three years prior. The eyebrows had no character; I plucked them when they got too long, but I saw men who got their brows waxed, and most looked like Boy George. It wasn’t a hideous face, but it wasn’t one that made people want to talk to me.

Earlier that day, I was in a meeting, and I was introduced to the Elm Bakery PR liaison. As head of their campaign, you’d think he’d want to talk to me, but he immediately turned back to Timothy Blackmore, a third-rate employee with no real talent except that he could vomit bullshit that people loved to eat up.

I hated my life. My supervisors knew that I was the best at getting what our clients needed, but they had done a secret study that proved that when I presented my ideas, the clients hated them. If Timothy presented them, the clients loved the same ideas.

My personal life was worse. I had tried hookup sites. One guy, who said he was 32 and so horny he would fuck a troll if he could find its asshole, took one look at me and told me he just got an emergency phone call from his granddaughter and couldn’t come in. Four guys had gone to the bathroom and not come back. I knew a big part of my problem, aside from substandard looks, was my being an introvert. I fought against it each day I interacted with someone. My desire to be alone was in conflict with my desire to have a boyfriend.

I was in a rut of getting up, getting ready for work, going to work, having a salad for lunch, finishing work, coming home, eating a piece of grilled chicken and Brussels sprouts, reading a book, falling asleep. The day I turned twenty-six, no one at work said anything. There always seemed to be cakes and parties for everyone else, but there was nothing for me. It was a Friday, and I slipped out thirty minutes early.

At home, I changed into a bathing suit I’d bought for a swimming class in college. I went and sat down at the edge of the deep end, and I kept wondering whether I could dive in and swim down and down and down and never reach the bottom.

I heard the group of guys before I saw them. They were obviously friends based on their banter. A tinge of loneliness and an ache seemed to fill my heart. I wanted to raise my hand and call out to them a ‘Hello’ or something similar, but I couldn’t. I looked at my feet again.

“I’ll be up in a minute,” I heard one of them say. I saw tanned hairy legs with feet in sandals approach me. “How’s the water?”

I looked up. “It’s nice.”

“Not too cold, huh?” He kicked off his sandals and sat next to me. He dunked his feet into the pool. “Ah. That is nice.”

I was still looking at him. He had black, straight hair with a nice haircut. His blue eyes reflected the water in the pool. He had a nice face with a 5 o’clock shadow on his tanned skin. His V-neck t-shirt displayed a moderately hairy chest. The way he sat, his shorts showed a larger than average bulge between his legs. I said nothing and looked back into his eyes.

“My name’s Jeff. I’ve seen you around, but I haven’t had a chance to meet you.”

“I’m Shane.”

“Shane? I love that name; it’s such a cool name. Have you read the book?”

“No. I’ve seen the movie, though,” I answered.

“Well, if you want to read it, I’ll loan you my copy. It’s one of my favorites.” He reached over and grabbed my hand. “It’s really nice to meet you.”

His hand was warm and soft. “I like that,” I whispered.

“You’d like to read the book? Or you like holding my hand,” Jeff was whispering back to me.”

“I thought you were holding mine?”

“I’m waiting for you to hold mine back.” Jeff smiled.

I wrapped my fingers around his hand. “Like this?”

“Mmmm. Yeah. Just like that.”

I couldn’t believe this man was sitting next to me. He adjusted his hand so our fingers interlaced. He was handsome, fit, and he wanted to talk to me.

“I saw you a few weeks ago and then again last weekend. You were smiling at a little girl who was talking to you. I knew I had to meet you, but by the time I got my shoes on, you were gone. I’ve been keeping my eye out for you ever since.”

“You wanted to meet me because I smiled at someone?”

“Yeah. There’s just something about you that attracted me.”

I squeezed his hand a little more tightly. We sat there silently. He moved his foot so it rubbed up against mine.

“I should ask you something,” said Jeff.

I moved my foot so our legs touched. “OK.”

“Are you gay? And would you like to go on a date.”

That made me smile. “What if I’m not gay, but I want to go on a date?”

Jeff looked at me and saw my smile. “Why would you want to go on a date with me if you’re not gay?”

“Free food,” I said.

“Well,” countered Jeff, “the way you’re holding my hand and the way you’re letting me play with your foot tells me that you’re gay.”

“I am,” I nodded.

“But,” he continued, “do you only want to go out with me for a free meal?”

“Apparently,” I laughed a little, “you already have me figured out.” I looked at him. His eyes were magnets, pulling me in. “Honestly, I’m wondering whether you’re a black hole and I’m a lost spaceship being uncontrollably drawn in.”

“I like that; I’m a physicist. I do research in plasma energy at the university. I love your analogy. What do you do?”

“Advertisement. I won a scholarship, so I had to major in it.” I tried not to sound negative, but I wasn’t successful.

“That’s not what you wanted to do, is it?”

“No, but I shouldn’t complain. It got me a decent job, and I’m good at it.”

“Tell me, Shane, what did you really want to do?” Jeff bent forward and was looking up and back at me. The pool reflected even more brightly in his eyes.

“Marine Biology. I’m fascinated by the ecosystem that forms around oil rigs.”

“What about the life forms that inhabit swimming pools?” Jeff jumped into the water.

“You’ve got your clothes on!”

Another voice started me. “Did Jeff just jump into the pool?”

“Yes,” I replied timidly.

“I’m Rob, Jeff’s roommate. He’s an asshole.”

I looked out at the pool. Jeff was swimming underwater and getting closer to me. “He was nice to me.”

“That’s because he likes you,” said Rob.

I felt Jeff's hands move up my legs. He grabbed the edge of the pool and held fast with his head bobbing just above the water. Rob crouched down next to me.

“Jeff, we’re going to order some pizza; I figured you’d want some.”

Jeff looked at me, “What kind of pizza do you like?”

“You’re letting, sorry, I don’t know your name.”

“Shane.”

“You’re letting Shane choose your toppings?”

“That’s right, we want an extra-large,” Jeff said as he pulled himself a bit out of the water. Tell him what toppings.”

I hesitated, then said, “I like Italian sausage, mushrooms, and extra cheese.”

“Then, that’s what we’re having,” Jeff was smiling broadly.

“Look out for this one, Shane. He may seem tall, dark, and handsome, but he’s still a virgin. Rumor has it that he has a really small dick.” Rob started to laugh.

“At least I’ve got one,” countered Jeff.

“How did you two end up roommates if you don’t like each other?”

“We like each other; we just like to tease each other.” Jeff pushed himself so we were face to face, and he gave me a quick kiss. “He’s going to be my best man when we get married. Now come into the water.”

I was stunned by the kiss and confused by his statement about marriage, but I slid forward and into the water. I barely noticed the temperature change. Jeff slid his arms under mine and grabbed the edge of the pool. He leaned in and kissed me again. His lips were soft. They moved over mine as though he were trying to gently pull them toward him and then he released them. His tongue touched my lips and caressed them. I sensed that I was breathing harder.

I wrapped my arms around him, and with my legs, I pulled him closer to me. My penis was hard and erect and pushing against my swimsuit. I felt Jeff’s groin move against me. The bulge I first noticed was hard, and I had the urge to hold his shaft in my hand. I was having trouble controlling my breathing, and I began to feel lightheaded.

“I’m feeling dizzy, Jeff.”

“That’s because all your blood has left your brain to fill this monster dick of yours, Shane.”

He moved his hand down and brushed it against my erection. I lifted my head and sucked air into my lungs. He kissed my exposed neck. “Let’s change into dry clothes. The pizza will be here before long.”

We pulled ourselves out of the water. I had a towel on a chair; I handed it to Jeff.

“I was right about you; your smile gave you away. You’ve got a generous caring soul.”

I swallowed hard. A lump seemed to develop in my throat.

“I’m going to shower and change. I’ll bring the pizza to your place.”

I stood, nodding approval.

Jeff leaned forward and kissed me on the cheek. “Rob was right. I am a virgin. I’m going to let you change that. Just let me know when. What’s your apartment number?”

“It’s 802.”

“See you in a little bit.”

I hurried back to my place; I struggled to get my key out of my wet pocket. I locked the door behind me and went straight into the bathroom. I showered and I shaved. I felt so happy inside; I wasn’t sure how it was possible that things could change so quickly. As I toweled off, I caught my reflection in the mirror and a wave of depression crashed over me. How could someone so handsome want me? Tears filled the brims of my eyes. He’d seen me in the bright of daytime when I was talking to the little girl downstairs, but he still wanted to talk to me.

I was being punked. I put on some dry clothes and sat on my couch. I waited. I was sure no one would come. I remembered the way his lips felt and the wondrous feeling when our erections touched, even though it was between our clothing. There was a knock at the door. I knew in my heart it wouldn’t be Jeff. I opened the door.

The man standing there was one I had never seen before.