Four Letter Firsts

 The day that I had my first real kiss was at my best friend Nina’s 13th birthday party, when half of my 8th grade class was congregated in her basement one Saturday afternoon. The party in and of its self was pretty unremarkable and after dinner we had all resorted to a playing Pin the tail on the donkey to pass the time until the cake was served. Nina sat miserably on the couch with her parents seated on either side of her, watching me futilely try to guide my blindfolded friend Robbie towards the cardboard cutout  of a cartoon donkey on the wall.

“Left! Go left!” I called out, “Left, Robbie, left!”

“I heard you the first time!” He assured me, but despite my instructions, he continued to stumble in the wrong direction.

“I said go left! Go left!” I repeated as he continued to go right, “Robbie, do you even know which direction LEFT is?!”

“I’ve got this!” He shouted back, before reaching the wall and sticking the tail onto the donkeys face, taking off his blindfold and checking to see if he had succeeded, “Did I do it?!”

“Not even close,” I sighed.

 “Well, it’s not my fault, I’m dyslexic!” he defended.

“And that impedes your ability to listen?!” I snapped.

“Who cares? Its just a stupid game,” He said, handing the blindfold to the next player. He was right, it really didn’t matter who won or lost, nobody in the room except for Nina’s mom cared one bit about the infantile game we were playing.

“Isn’t this fun?” Mrs. Ngyun smiled at Nina, who glared back at her with pubescent apathy.

“Mommy, I love you but can you and dad like, PLEASE go up stairs now?” She requested with a snarky tone.

“But we’re enjoying ourselves!  Right, Dam?” Mrs. Nguyen said, turning to look at her husband, Dentist Dam Nguyen, who was sleeping peacefully next to Nina.

“Dam!” She shouted, causing him to wake up in a panic.

“Extract the molars!” He gasped, snapping back into consciousness, “Woah…that was a crazy dream. Those molars were ridiculously impacted.”

“Mommy, I want to hang out with my friends by myself!” Nina whined, “We don’t need baby sitters!”

“Well, I’m sorry you feel that way but I don’t want anything getting broken. Or stolen. Or pregnant,” Mrs. Nguyen answered.

“Mom, no one is going to get broken and nothing is going to get pregnant! Please, go upstairs!” Nina begged, mixing up her words in the process.

“But your dad and I like spending time with you. Right, Dam?” Mrs. Nguyen said, looking back at her husband who had once again fallen asleep, “Dam!!!”

“NOVACANE!” Dr. Nguyen gasped, awakening once more, shaking his head as he stood up, “Sorry, I am just too tired for this. I’m going upstairs to take a nap.”

 “Thank you! Bye-bye!” Nina waved, “Mommy, how about you also go like, take a nap?”

“But Nina…” Her mother sighed.

“We’ll behave ourselves, I promise! Please!” Nina begged.

Her mother seemed to succumb to her whining and she stood up, gathering the plates from our dinner.

“Fine,” she replied, stacking the plates on top of one another, “I’ll go upstairs and do the dishes while you spend some mature, but RESPONSIBLE time alone with your friends. But keep the lights on and don’t touch anything!”

“Thank you, love you, bye!” Nina bid her mother farewell as she made her way up the stairs, closing the basement door behind her.

“Finally!” Nina exhaled, getting up off the couch and walking to the middle of the room, “Okay everyone, shut up and listen! We’re gonna play a game that’s ACTUALLY fun, so everyone needs to sit in a circle. Now!”

“Oh! Are we gonna play Twister?” Robbie asked excitedly.

“No one wants to play Twister with you, Robbie,” I said, sitting down on the floor.

“Kiss my ass, Travis,” he spat.

“Robbie, it would take my whole life to kiss your entire ass,” I scoffed as a circle began to take shape on the floor.

“Quiet!” Nina demanded as she joined the circle, placing an empty Coca-Cola bottle in the middle of it, “We’re gonna play everyone’s favorite game: spin the bottle.”

“Oh, hell yes!” Robbie pumped his fist triumphantly, before heading towards the stairs, “But I’ve gotta use the bathroom first, don’t start without me!”

“Be quick!” Nina demanded.

“I will!” Robbie promised as he jogged his tubby behind up the stairs as fast as he could. Everyone else finally joined in the circle, only for me to stand up and break it.

“I’ll be right back, too,” I said, heading for the stairs myself.

“Ugh! Fine! Hurry!” Nina shouted after me.

I made my way up the stairs, walked to the bathroom and knocked on the door, whilst calling out,

“Robbie? It’s Travis. Can I come in?”

“One sec!” He called out, as I heard the toilet flushed. He opened the door and stepped back to let me in.

“Hey,” I said, shuffling into the bathroom and shutting the door behind me, “I need to ask you for a favor…”

“If Nina’s dad is a dentist, why doesn’t he have any spare tooth brushes in his bathroom?” He replied, ignoring me, opening the medicine cabinet to grab a bottle of mouth wash, “This will have to do.”

He took a swig of it, swirled it around and spat it into the sink before offering it to me,

“Want some?”

“No thanks,” I declined, before asking, “Can I borrow your cell phone so I can call my step dad to come pick me up?”

“What? Why? I told you my mom would drive you home later,” Robby said, looking around the bathroom, “I wonder if there’s any deodorant in here…”

“I know, but…” I scratched the back of my neck nervously, “I want to leave now.”

“Now?” Robbie gasped, “But we haven’t had cake OR played spin the bottle yet! Those are the two best parts of any birthday party!”

I leaned against the wall and folded my arms across my chest, staring down at the floor.

“Not for me…” I frowned.

“Why not?” Robby asked, sensing my unease.

“Robbie, I think… I think I’m broken,” I said quietly.

“What are you talking about?” He raised an eye brow.

“I don’t like it,” I mumbled.

“You don’t like what? Cake?” Robbie said, bewildered.

“No, I love cake,” I half smiled, “But…I don’t like playing spin the bottle.”

“Your lips are moving, but I don’t understand the words coming out of them,” Robbie stared at me perplexed, “What’s not to like?”

I continued staring at the floor trying to find a way to explain myself.

“How do you feel when you kiss a girl?” I answered his question with another question.

“Happy,” He replied instantly, “And excited and nervous. But above all else: bonerific.”

“I don’t think bonerific is a word,” I responded.

“It is now,” He declared, before asking, “How do YOU feel when you kiss a girl?”

“Bored,” I answered honestly, “The whole time it’s happening I’m just sitting there waiting for it to be over. And everyone talks about it like it’s this magical thing but I just don’t get it. What is the point of pressing your face against someone else’s face? What’s so bonerific about that?”

“Well, it’s more than just pressing your faces together,” Robbie tried to explain, “When you kiss a girl, you get to taste her, and smell her, and be close to her, and you know that you’re both feeling the same way at the same time. I mean….for ME, that is pretty magical.”

“I reiterate,” I sighed, looking him in the eyes for the first time in a while, “I am broken.”

“You’re not broken, Travis. Maybe…” He paused before completing his sentence, “Maybe you’re just not kissing the right people.”

Before I could ask him what he meant by that, a rapid pounded began shaking the bathroom door.

“What is taking you so long in there?!” Nina shouted, “We’re all waiting for you! Hurry up!”

“Coming!” Robbie shouted, before advising me, “Look, just try and relax and enjoy yourself, all right?”

“You’re not gonna let me use your phone are you?” I sighed.

“Nope,” He said, grabbing my arm and dragging me out of the bathroom.

We rejoined the circle in the basement and Nina used her privilege as the Birthday girl to take the first spin, joyfully kissing  a boy named Andre as everyone in the circled cheered them on.

After a few people had their turns, it was time for me to spin and the bottle landed on a girl named Heather. She was a pretty, pale, Irish ginger that my parents would have been ecstatic for me to bring home, but the thought of kissing her was about as appealing as eating a hard boiled egg. In fact, I would rather be eating a hard boiled egg.

 I reluctantly removed my glasses and hung them off the collar of my t-shirt. I crawled over to her, placed my hand on her chin and pressed my lips against hers her as everyone “oooohed!” for us as they had done for every other player. Thankfully her eyes were closed, so she couldn’t see me staring at the wall behind her, counting the stripes on the wall paper to pass the time as I waited for her to get her tongue out of my mouth. I counted seven stripes before she pulled away, giggling and covering her mouth, her cheeks a slightly pinker color than before. I returned to my spot and put my glasses on, looking over at Robbie who mouthed the word,

“Well…?”

“Nothing,” I mouthed back as the player next to me, Jeremy, spun the bottle.

 Then, something unexpected happened; the bottle landed on me. All of the girls in the room squealed with delight, as Jeremy locked eyes with me, then reached for the bottle while declaring,

“Do over!”

“No!” Nina gasped, “No do overs!”

“Says who?” Jeremy questioned.

“Says me!” Nina replied, “It’s my party and I say NO DO-OVERS!”

“I’m not kissing a guy, that’s not fair!” Jeremy protested.

“Those are the rules!” Nina protested, “You have to kiss who ever the bottle lands on!”

“If the bottle landed on the couch, would I have to kiss the couch?” Jeremy compared.

“Yes!” Nina answered.

“Dude just do it so we can move on,” Robbie backed her up.

“Fine, then I’m not playing…” Jeremy said, beginning to stand up.

“Wait! Hold on!” Nina threw her hands up, “Let’s make a deal, okay? How about this? If you and Travis kiss…”

She placed her hand on the knee of the girl next to her before concluding,

“Then Chelsea and I will kiss.”

Excluding me, everyone in the room with a penis went ape shit.

“Do it!” Robbie demanded to the two of us.

“If you don’t, I will!” Andre offered.

“That’s not fair! You can’t bribe us like that!” Jeremy protested.

“Jeremy, don’t ruin this for me, just shut up and do it!” Another boy urged.

“No! No way! This is….” Jeremy struggled to find his words, then looked over at me again, “This is crazy! Right, Travis?”

Everyone looked to me for an answer. I had remained completely silent the entire time, mainly because I felt like I might throw up if I opened my mouth.

When the red cap of Coke bottle pointed at me, I felt something that I had never felt when a girl spun it in my direction: Excited. And happy. And nervous. And in Robbies own words, bonerific.  The entire time everyone else had been arguing about whether or not we should do it, I was fantasizing about what it would be like to actually kiss Jeremy. By the time he asked me how I felt about it, my heart was beating like I had just run a marathon and I could barely keep my voice from shaking as I struggled to form a sentence.

“Um, well, I-I…” I stuttered as I looked over at Nina and Chelsea, “Yeah, but I really want to see the girls make out with each other. That would be really….um...hot.”

“But-“ Jeremy tried to protest.

“Dude, take one for the team!” Robbie encouraged.

“It’s no big deal, just do it,” Chelsea added.

Jeremy looked at me, then looked at Nina and Chelsea, then back to me, then back to them.

“On one condition. If we do this, then you two have to touch boobs while you make out,” He demanded, “If you do that…then we’ll do this.”

Nina and Chelsea giggled their approval of the request.

“Deal,” Nina agreed. In my opinion, it was kind of a stupid demand, since neither of them were really well developed enough to fulfill it, but that didn’t seem to bother the boys.

“Jeremy, I love you right now, dude,” Robbie expressed his gratitude, “If you ever need a kidney, I’ve got two.”

“Zip it,” Jeremy sighed, moving closer to me, his hip pressed against mine as he asked, “You ready?”

Now, the honest reply would have been:

“YES! I have never been more ready for anything else in my entire life and oh my god why do you smell so good, and holy shit your hip is warm, and what is happening in my pants???!!!” 

But instead, I took my glasses off and replied as calmly as I could,

“I guess so.”

“Okay…” Jeremy exhaled.

He turned his head to the right, and I to the left, as we both leaned in and let our lips connect. As soon as they did, I could hear the girls in the room cheering hysterically, but that was only for a second, then everything went silent – at least to me.

As my eyes fell closed, I finally felt the sensation Robbie had been talking about; it really did feel like magic. I didn’t want to count the stripes on the walls, I didn’t want to ‘get it over with’ and I sure as hell wasn’t bored. For the first time, kissing someone actually felt natural. Without even thinking about it, I put my hands on either side of his face to pull him in closer, letting my tongue enter his mouth and explore every inch of it. As we made out, the only thought running through my mind was,

“Dear God, please don’t let this end. Dear God, please don’t let this end. Dear God, please don’t let this end. Dear God, please don’t let this end…”

But, unfortunately, it did.

I have no idea how much time had passed when Jeremy pulled away from me, making gagging sounds and wiping his mouth furiously with the back of his hand.

“UGH! That was disgusting!” He wretched.

‘Well, shit. I guess he didn’t enjoy that  as much as I did,’ I thought to myself.

After thanking us for our heroic act of bravery, everyone quickly shifted their attention to Nina and Chelsea to watch them hold up their end of the deal. All of the other guys lost their minds at the sight of them doing their best impression of Sarah-Michelle Gellar and Selma Blaire in Cruel-Intentions, but I on the other hand was busy admiring Jeremy like he was a modern art exhibit.

 It was like putting on glasses for the first time all over again; suddenly, everything became clear to me. I suddenly realized that I wasn’t broken because I didn’t like kissing girls; I would just rather kiss boys.

I felt a momentary sense of relief, before almost immediately taken over by shame and fear.

“I like kissing boys. And if I like kissing boys….” My brain worked out the math, “That means…I’m gay. I….am… gay. I’m gay. HOLY FUCK, I’M GAY!!!”

Over come by my sudden epiphany, I completely zoned out for the rest of the day, only snapping back into reality once I was sitting in my bed with my mother snapping her fingers in front of my face.

“Earth to Travis! Come in, Travis!” She tried to coerce.

“Huh?” I said, looking around my room to see tiny Tammy asleep in her tiny bed and realizing that I had somehow changed into my pajamas despite my zombie like state.

“I asked you how Nina’s party was,” My mom said, grabbing my blanket and pulling it over me.

“Oh…it was…um…..good,” I said, laying back on my pillow.

“Did Nina like her doll?” My mom asked. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that Nina had grown Barbies several years earlier and the one we got her would likely become a chew toy for her dog.

“Yeah, she loved it,” I lied, taking off my glasses and placing them on my bedside table.

“That’s good,” she said, sitting on the bed beside me, “Are you feeling okay? You’ve been awfully quiet since you got home.”

“I’m fine,” I lied again.

“You sure?” My mom pressured, her motherly intuition apparently peaked.

“I’m sure,” I lied a third time.

“Okay,” She smiled, leaning over and kissing my forehead, “Don’t forget to say your prayers before you fall asleep.”

“I wont. I love you,” I said, my first honest statement of the conversation.

“I love you too,” She said, getting up and giving my sleeping sister a kiss before turning off the light and leaving the room. I folded my hands and stared up and the ceiling.

“Hi, God,” I said quietly, “Um…first of all, thank you for everything that you’ve given me. Thank for protecting me and watching over me, and my family. Thank you helping me get an A on my English test like I asked for. You still haven’t gotten rid of Tom yet, but I know that will take some time, so no rush.  But um…I need to ask you to for something more important now. Actually, I need to BEG you for something that is very, very important.”

I took a deep breath and I struggled to say the words out loud.

“I…think….I might be…a little bit….gay,” I managed to choke out, “But I don’t want to be gay. I know you don’t want people to be that way, so I don’t want to be that way either. I want to be normal, like everyone else.…”

I felt my eyes start to burn as I tried to barter my way into a miracle.

 “I know that I do bad things sometimes, but I promise I won’t do them anymore if you fix me. I won’t swear, or lie, and I’ll even start being nicer to Tom if that’s what you want. But only until you get rid of him, again, no pressure.  I just really need you to help me because… I don’t want to go to hell. And I don’t want to upset my mom. And I don’t want everyone to hate me.  So, I’m begging you to please, please, PLEASE make me straight.”

I wiped my eyes and crossed myself before concluding,

“Amen.”

Authors Note:

As is probably evident by my (very long) absence from posting stories, I've hit a bit of a mental roadblock when it comes to writing for my original series. So, I've been writing about other stuff in hopes of over-coming it and I plan on posting those short stories as soon as I can. I apologize for disappearing, and I hope that I can get back into the habit of posting regularly again. Thanks for reading.