Fist To The Heart

Let Me Be The One To Hold You

Ruslan had slept fitfully throughout the night, his so-called rest plagued by nightmares, or better said, pieces of them that made no sense at all. He willed himself to stretch over to the nightstand and check his phone. There were no missed calls, no messages.

What could have caused Johnny to get up and leave like that? And why all the secrecy? Weren’t they together? A part of him wanted to revolt, but another was gripped by fear. What if Johnny had left for good? What if it was something he had said? Ruslan knew he could be dense sometimes.

The phone rang, and he almost sent it flying to the floor, that fast he tried to move to reach for it. “Papa,” he mournfully said as he answered.

It wasn’t like he could keep things hidden from his parent.

“What’s wrong, Russy?” the old man’s voice came through.

“Nothing, I guess.” Ruslan tried to shrug it off for the moment. “Are you calling about dinner? Papa, I don’t think --”

“Actually, I wanted to ask you about Johnny. He’s not picking up,” his father interrupted him.

“I know,” Ruslan said softly. He squeezed the phone hard in his hand.

“Did you two fight over something?”

Ruslan exhaled. “No. I mean, all seemed fine. Just that, yesterday evening, he got a phone call and left in a hurry. He didn’t tell me what it was all about. He just ... left.”

It was hard to pretend he was okay, now that he was saying the words out loud. He left.

“There can be many explanations for that. And you are coming to dinner, Russy, with or without Johnny.”

His papa’s voice was stern. Ruslan knew that voice and what it meant. That he had no reason to fear and that he needed to reach inside and find his peace.

“But what if --” he started.

“No ‘what ifs’, Russy,” his papa interrupted him. “You know what this means. It means nothing. Johnny had an emergency, and he will be back. If he preferred being alone, that was his choice. Have a bit of trust in him.”

Ruslan knew his father was right. Still, he could not stop the inner tremble that had started since the moment Johnny had been out the door.

“You know you’ll always have us, Russy,” the old man said quietly.

“I know,” he whispered.

“And Yanis. See? Even I agree that your good for nothing friend actually has his uses. And don’t worry. I will investigate this. If Johnny is in trouble with a certain someone --”

“Do you mean Nigel?!” Ruslan didn’t want to believe that. Had he put Johnny in danger simply by being stupid and letting himself drugged by that asshole?

“Don’t worry, Russy. I will let the Davenports know that my protection extends over Johnny.”

“But what if it’s too late for that?” Ruslan shouted.

“No ‘what ifs’, Russy. That’s the deal.” His papa was back at being firm.

“Okay,” he murmured.

“I’ll let you know as soon as I get hold of the man. Dinner tonight, Russy. We won’t be able to enjoy our meal without you.”

His heart was just a tiny bit less heavy when he got off the phone. If his papa was on it, he would find out about Johnny sooner or later.

***

“Mr. Bryne, I understand that you wanted to see me.” A woman dressed in white approached him.

“You’re the one in charge?” Johnny asked gruffly, as he stood up from the tiny plastic chair.

For hours, he had sat there, waiting for news.

“Yes.” The woman straightened up as if she tried to compensate for the difference in height between them.

“Then tell me how the hell something like this could happen!”

Johnny knew that shouting wouldn’t solve anything, but at least it was a way to get rid of some of the anger boiling on the inside.

“Mr. Bryne, I suggest that you keep your voice down. Patients need their quiet. Please, follow me, and we’ll talk in my office.”

Johnny nodded without another word. He towered over the woman in white by at least half a foot, but it was like his life was in her hands.

He sat on a chair that sighed under his weight after the woman gestured at him to sit down.

“What do you want to know, Mr. Bryne?” The woman placed her hands neatly on the table and stared at him through her thick-rimmed glasses.

“How the hell could a thing like this happen? And why isn’t she in a real hospital?”

“Language, Mr. Bryne. This is not the ring, as you may well see.”

Johnny ground his teeth hard. It could have been easy to reach over the table and strangle the woman until she was left breathless.

“Now.” The woman stared at him without one trace of fear in her gray eyes. “Your mother has been unwell for years now.”

“Tell me why she was left to wander around this goddamn place. It’s November, for fuck’s sake!”

The woman exhaled. “She was not left to wander. This is not a prison, Mr. Bryne. The patients are not exactly kept under lock and key.”

“Shouldn’t someone be in charge of them, though? Some of them are,” Johnny struggled to find his words, “not all up here, are they?” He gestured for his temple.

“Someone is in charge,” the head nurse agreed for once. “It is unfortunate that this happened. Believe me. The one responsible will be severely reprimanded.”

“Reprimanded,” Johnny scoffed. “My mom wanders off and catches pneumonia, and what do you do? Why the hell am I paying you, people?”

“Mr. Bryne,” the woman said in an even tone, “you are free to take your mother and your money somewhere else.”

He stared at her. This time, there was a small sign of fear, just a speckle, but enough to tell him that his face inspired enough respect.

“We can assure you that we are offering your mother the best care, as we speak. There is nothing for you to do now, and we only wanted to keep you informed. That is all. We didn’t ask you to come down here to cause a scandal.”

“I want to see her.”

“She is resting.”

“I want to see her,” Johnny repeated, and this time, he said the words through his teeth.

“Fine.” The head nurse stood up. “Come with me, but no nonsense from your part, Mr. Bryne. Your mother needs to get well.”

The woman’s moves were brusque. Johnny could tell that she wasn’t pleased with him.

He followed her down the corridor to a door that looked different than the ones leading to the regular rooms.

“See? She is asleep,” the nurse pointed out.

Johnny ignored her and walked over to his mother’s bed. She looked so small in that large bed like little was needed for the white sheets to swallow her.

“She looks thinner than last time,” he mumbled, as his hands hovered over his mother’s, resting on top of the sheets, pale and showing dark blue veins.

“We can do only this much when it comes to convincing her to eat. From time to time, we’re even giving her glucose, delivered via IV.”

“How generous of you,” Johnny said sarcastically.

“It’s all that’s covered,” the nurse pointed out.

Of course, covered by the payment. Johnny’s blood and sweat poured into payments. To the nursing home, and the debt collectors. Not his tears, though. He had not shed a tear since he had been a runt.

“Let us alone,” he barked at the nurse.

“Lower your voice, Mr. Bryne,” the nurse scolded him.

“Out,” he said in a lower tone but gestured with his chin toward the door.

The nurse shrugged and walked out. Johnny went closer and stared at his mother’s face for a few long minutes.

“Why aren’t you eating, mom?” he asked, his voice hoarse and unnatural.

To his surprise, his mom’s eyelids fluttered, and slowly her eyes opened.

“Johnny, are you back from school? There’s a casserole in the fridge. I have to leave for work now.”

Johnny placed his hand over his mother’s and squeezed it.

“Your father’s not coming tonight, either,” she said, and this time her voice seemed filled with hate. “That woman,” she hissed, “always that woman.”

Johnny frowned. His father had been a gambler and a piss poor scammer, but Johnny had never heard of him being unfaithful.

“What woman, mom?” he asked his heart in his throat.

“That Davenport floozy.” His mom pursed her lips. “I’m telling you, Johnny, if that big shot husband of hers finds out about their fooling around, you’ll read about them both in the morning paper. They’ll find them with their throats slashed and thrown into some ditch, like dogs.”

His mother’s face was splotched with red, and a bout of cough seized her.

“Mom, you need to rest.” Johnny caressed her hair. “Do you need some water?”

He tried to reach for a plastic cup left on the bedside table, but his mother’s gnarly hand caught his wrist.

“Johnny, promise me that you won’t end up like your father. Don’t go messing with women wearing fancy dresses and diamonds in their ears.”

His mother had no idea about him and his preferences. And when she had turned like that, it had been too late.

“I won’t,” he said softly.

“Promise me, Johnny,” his mother insisted.

“I promise, mom.”

“Be a good boy, Johnny. Don’t fall for the charms of some rich girl. She’ll use you and dump you. That’s what they do. That’s what happened to your father. Oh, he was a charmer, wasn’t he? He thought he could fly to the moon and touch the stars, and maybe steal some. But he got burnt with that Davenport bitch.”

“What are you saying, mom?” Johnny caressed her hand, but it didn’t look like she was willing to let go of him.

“That was when he disappeared,” she said in a low voice, stealing glances around. “Some say she ran away with him. But I don’t think so.” She shook her head. “No, they’re in a ditch somewhere.”

Johnny could feel his blood freezing in his veins. What was his mother trying to tell him? Could it be that his father had been a cheater on top of everything else?

“How could I live after he left?” His mother’s hand released his and dropped on the white sheet like dead weight. “You were with me. That’s why. But they came to drag you away. To make you pay, for what your father did.”

Suddenly, she began to sob uncontrollably.

“Mom,” he whispered, “it’s okay. I’m here. Your son, Johnny, is here.”

“Johnny,” she cried and clutched at him, “why is your father never home?”

He felt her forehead. She was burning like a furnace. Damn, he needed to call that nurse and ask him if that was normal. No wonder his mother was frantic. Who knew how high her fever was running?

“Mom, I need to get the nurse,” he told her, as he tried to pry himself free.

“Just promise me, Johnny,” she continued to hold him, “that you won’t go with some fancy rich girl. She’ll be the death of you like that Davenport whore was the death of your father.”

“I promise you, mom,” he whispered into her hair, caressing her.

His mom had always wanted what was best for him. And right now, she was making him face the grim reality. It wasn’t his place to fool around with Ruslan while his mother was fading away. She was right. Rich people had pushed his family into the chaos and misery they were in. Maybe even killed his father, although he could not tell whether his mother was telling the truth or not.

What had Mr. Kent said that time? That Francis Davenport would have killed him if it had been that personal the grudge the man was holding him. Could it be that his mom was telling the truth about his father? And by ‘that Davenport woman’, maybe she meant that man’s wife.

That could explain the punishment he was still going through. It also explained the beating he had gotten when he had refused to fight high as a kite. Except for killing him that man had done everything to him.

***

“Have you heard from Johnny, papa?” Ruslan rushed to answer, the moment his phone started ringing.

“Apparently, he is back to training at his old gym,” his father replied. “I would scold you over not greeting me properly first, but seeing how much you yearn to see your boyfriend, I will just let it slide this time.”

“At his old gym?” Ruslan expressed his surprise. “What could he be doing there? Never mind, papa, thank you. And sorry for being like this.”

“Russy, be careful. We all like Johnny, and we want him to be part of the family. But if for whatever reason, he doesn’t want the same thing, I’d say to let him be.”

“Papa, I thought you liked Johnny now,” Ruslan complained.

“All I care is protecting you, Russy, and you know it. Johnny has problems of his own.”

“Of which none of you care to talk about.” Ruslan huffed in annoyance. “It’s unfair that he seems to share some things with you, but he doesn’t want to do the same with me.”

“I can share them if you want.”

“No, Johnny would feel betrayed and, anyways, I want him to be the one to talk to me about this. Well, thank you for letting me know where he is, papa. I’ll make sure to get him to understand where he belongs.”

“Russy --”

“Don’t worry, papa. You won’t have to mend my broken heart this time. Because I’m a little pissed at the guy right now and I’m not just a boy anymore.”

It was true. Had he learned that Johnny had something terrible happening to him, he would have rushed by his side, willing to forget all about his own hurt. But it looked like Johnny was well enough if he could train. And that was making him a little bit upset with his lover.

Who was he kidding? Ruslan felt plenty upset at the moment. So much that he wanted to find the means to teleport to where Johnny was training, and slap the man silly for making him worry so much. Now there was no time to dwell over what he would or wouldn’t do. The most important thing was to see Johnny, and maybe kiss him or slap him, or any other thing. He would see once there.

***

His father hadn’t been wrong. Johnny was there, beating the crap out of a worn out speed bag, with a deep frown on his face. Ruslan felt relieved. Johnny appeared to be okay. He walked over to him, hoping that Johnny wouldn’t tell him to fuck off, at least, not without giving him a strong reason to do so.

“Hey,” he said, his hands deep into his pockets, his whole attention trained on the other.

Johnny stopped and turned to look at him. The frown only deepened. “I’m training,” he said curtly.

“I can see that.”

“Then don’t mind if I get back to it.” Johnny made a move to punch the bag again, but Ruslan caught his arm.

“Seriously, Johnny? You get up and leave, you don’t call, you have your phone turned off, and I’m supposed to come here and what?”

“Nobody asked you to come here,” Johnny said but didn’t remove his arm from Ruslan’s hold.

“No, because there’s no need for that. I came here because I care what the hell is happening with you. Tell me how do you think that’s normal? For you to leave like that and not care that I worry about you?”

“You worry about me?” Johnny’s mouth was set in a deep, harsh line, and his eyes weren’t looking at Ruslan.

“Yes. I thought you were my boyfriend. I thought we were together. What? You’ve never had a lover, so you don’t know that me worrying about you comes with the territory?”

The look Johnny finally threw at him was pained. “Look at you, pretty,” Johnny said softly.

“Is that supposed to mean something?” Ruslan reined in the trembling of his hands.

“Yeah,” Johnny confirmed. “You’re high class, and I’m trash. We’re never going to happen. Just let me be, and I’ll let you be, too.”

“We were happening until you bolted out the door without telling me anything. So don’t give me that crap. Plus, that was definitely not what you were thinking while pumping my ass full of cum.”

Johnny threw a few glances around. Ruslan didn’t have to look to know that they had a bit of an audience which, most probably, was finding something else to do right now.

“And what’s all this about how we’re different? We’re not. Let me tell you something about me, Johnny. I’m like you.”

Johnny stared at him. “Are you done? I told you. I need to train. Money doesn’t grow on trees for some of us.”

“Oh, fuck me,” Ruslan moaned. “It’s not like I don’t know that. I was just lucky, that’s all. All you see now, my clothes, my house, it’s all because of luck.”

“Yeah, lucky to be born rich,” Johnny shot back at him. “Ruslan, I’m fucked up, okay? Maybe you’re fucked up, too, and you feel better if you’re with a fuck up like me. But I won’t let you fuck me up even more, and I’m sure as hell that I don’t want to fuck you up more, either.”

“Come with me.” Ruslan grabbed Johnny’s hand.

For a second, Ruslan feared that Johnny would resist. He had no means to make two hundred pounds of pure manly muscles move. So he hoped his determination was enough. Fortunately for him, Johnny finally decided to move.

They walked quietly out of the room, under the curious looks of bystanders. Ruslan could not care less about them.

“Where are we going?” Johnny asked.

“Somewhere quiet,” Ruslan replied. “Your room.”

He knew how to find his way around there, so he pulled Johnny after him, afraid that he would change his mind.

Ruslan pushed the door open and closed it after as if that was his room, not Johnny’s. His lover was looking at him, waiting for him to speak.

“What’s your problem, Johnny? Where the hell have you been? Don’t you dare to say that it’s none of my business.” Ruslan stood tall, looking Johnny straight in the eye.

“Family business,” was the short reply.

“All right, I understand. And what kind of family business was that?”

“None of --”

“I told you. Don’t you dare.”

“My mom is sick.”

Ruslan exhaled. “I’m sorry to hear that. But how is that a reason for you to get away from me like that?”

“We’re just fucking, Ruslan. It’s not like we said some vows or anything.”

Ruslan blinked hard a few times. “I wasn’t saying that we were engaged or something, either. But still, we’re not just fucking. We’re friends, okay?”

It was Johnny’s turn to blink like there was something in his eye.

“So, tell me, is she all right now?”

“Yeah, she’s stable. Or so they say.”

“Where is she?” Ruslan asked. “We can find a place, a much better one, for her.”

“Will you stop throwing your fucking money in my face?” Johnny looked down at Ruslan in anger.

“I’m not throwing anything in your face, you fucking --” Ruslan stopped and swallowed his words.

“Oh, no, don’t stop,” Johnny said sarcastically. “What were you trying to say? That I’m an asshole? That I’m an idiot?”

“A bit of an ass, but whatever,” Ruslan replied, pursing his lips. “Johnny, let me help you. Other people helped me when I was in need.”

“And what need was that? You’re just a rich spoiled fancy dude,” Johnny said.

“Rich? Spoiled? Fancy? Okay, let’s make a few things clear. Maybe you’re right, and we were way too busy fucking. We didn’t have time to talk to each other properly.”

“What? You’re trying to say you’re not rich and all that?”

“Maybe I am. But only right now. I haven’t always been rich, and the chances are that I might not be that well off in the future. I am saving some money, of course, but --”

“Is papa having money troubles?” Johnny snorted. “Maybe he shouldn’t be throwing money on stupid amateur tournaments then.”

“Ugh, listen to me, you big oaf. I’m trying to tell you something here!”

Ruslan could feel his patience running thin. He wasn’t even that sure he wanted to pour his heart out, especially with Johnny being like that.

“Tell me the truth about your mother.” Ruslan chose to ease the burden on Johnny’s shoulders, first. “How bad is she?”

“I told you.” Johnny was working his jaw. “You know what, Ruslan? Maybe you’re right. I am an asshole for treating you like this. But now it’s not a good time. What my mom told me, she reminded me of where I stand in this world.”

“I have no idea what she told you. And I don’t know her. But I can tell that you care for her a great deal, and probably she has always cared for you, as well. So you’re lucky. Because I had nothing like that until --”

“She told me some stupid shit my father did. She told me not to make the same stupid mistake.”

“Which is?” Ruslan insisted.

“My father was screwing Francis Davenport’s wife,” Johnny said bluntly.

“Oh, fuck,” Ruslan murmured. “So Nigel knows you? But no, that cannot be --”

“Nigel doesn’t know me. I guess his dad never told him his momma was putting out for some gambler with empty pockets. I always thought my old man just got into stupid debt over his love for craps. But apparently, that wasn’t it. Do you want to see something, Ruslan?”

Johnny moved and pulled his t-shirt over his head. Then he turned and pointed at the scars on his back.

“Take a good look at these, pretty. I got these because my old man thought good enough to stick it into some fancy broad.”

Ruslan remained silent for a while. “Did Nigel’s dad give you these?” he asked, his voice barely a whisper. “I thought the Davenports were some well-off family, not mafia.”

“You don’t have to believe me.” Johnny shrugged and made a move to put his t-shirt back on.

Ruslan embraced him from behind. And he pressed his lips slowly against the edges of the scars. Johnny seemed ready to throw him off, but by how he exhaled, Ruslan could tell that he was about to win this round.

“He beat you because of what your dad did?”

Johnny leaned into his arms, and Ruslan pressed his hands gently over his chest.

“I had no idea about the cheating at that time. But my old man just disappeared one day, and the next we had some people at our door, asking for money. My mom kind of lost it during that time. They told me that since I could fight, I could pay off by going into the ring. And I said ‘Yeah, I can fight, no problem’. And that was how it all began.”

“Did they ask you to lose on purpose?”

“Nah, that wasn’t it. I wasn’t as big as I’m now. So they could bet on me, this kinda scrawny kid, and win big. It was when they started to push drugs on me. And, at first, I was like, why not? But that went downhill fast. One day, I beat up a guy so badly that … I don’t know. I was high as fuck, but when I saw him not getting up … I knew. That I wasn’t going to do that anymore.”

“And you told them that you wanted out?”

“Yeah. I told them that I was going to pay fair and square. But they didn’t like it. So they dragged me in front of this dude, Francis Davenport. And this guy said that if I could survive the beating they were going to give me, I was free to try to pay them back without going into their fucking ring.”

“Damn,” Ruslan whispered. “You survived, Johnny.”

Johnny snorted.

“I’m not exactly boyfriend material, pretty. And my mom is right. I shouldn’t do what my dad did. I shouldn’t do the same mistakes.”

“Screw Francis Davenport’s wife?” Ruslan tried to joke.

He knew what Johnny was trying to say. But he wouldn’t admit it.

“You know what I’m saying, pretty. You know well. You’re like one of the stars up there. And if I dare to believe that I can touch the stars, that will only fuck me up, sooner or later.”

“Like the stars, right,” Ruslan snorted. “So your mom is against me because she thinks I’m some rich dude who’s going to screw you over?”

“She’s not against you. She doesn’t even know about you,” Johnny protested. “But she did tell me to stay away from fancy rich girls.”

“Oh, that’s actually good advice,” Ruslan replied. “Because I’m none of the above.”

***

Ruslan’s hands caressing his chest were maddening. How could he have grown so used to this pretty man? Johnny knew he had to be insane. He had supposed that Ruslan would change his mind after learning the truth. But instead, Ruslan was still holding him, his head pressed against his back, without feeling repulsed by those old scars, or by his confessions.

All he had to do was to turn and take Ruslan in his arms. The last twenty-four hours had been hell. But if he were to crawl into bed with Ruslan again, he would be everything his mom had warned him not to become. He could not let himself fooled like that. Yet it was okay to stay like that just a little while longer.

“What do you mean you’re none of the above?” Johnny asked, Ruslan’s words sinking in with some difficulty.

“First, I’m not a girl. I’m totally with your mom on this. Don’t go chasing skirts, Johnny, or we’ll have a problem.”

Johnny chuckled. He could tell Ruslan was laughing, too.

“She doesn’t know I swing that way,” he explained. “I’ve never had the chance to tell her.”

“I’m sorry, Johnny.” Ruslan squeezed him in his arms a little more. “Maybe you could tell her now?”

“She’s not herself most days. She keeps telling me about the old days. She even thinks I’m still in school sometimes.”

Ruslan was holding him close. “I think you’ll be able to tell her someday. And maybe I can come with you.”

It was suddenly clear what Johnny liked so much about Ruslan. It wasn’t the man’s gorgeous ass, or beautiful body, or how good he was in the sack. It was this determination, this confidence that he liked Johnny. And Johnny could not just dismiss it all, and say to himself that Ruslan was playing games. No one went so far for just a fuck.

“So you’re not a girl,” he decided to lighten up a little. “But you’re rich and fancy.”

Ruslan scoffed. “Well, big news, Johnny. Papa picked me up from the street when I was sixteen. I was selling my ass. Not to get rich, mind you, but just to survive.”

Johnny took Ruslan’s hands and pried himself free from the embrace. He turned to look at him. His beautiful eyes were sad, no matter how cold and even his words sounded.

“You’re kidding me, right?”

“I’m not.” Ruslan shook his head. “I was adopted. Papa’s family can’t stand me, and as soon as they will be able to, they’ll find a way to exclude me from that family. Not that I’d care, after papa’s gone. So, this situation with me living the life in the lap of luxury, how things might look to you, is only temporary.”

“Adopted? I could swear you were Mr. Kent’s son,” Johnny said.

“Seriously? Not that I’m not flattered, but any resemblance you see is probably the result of how much hard work papa put in to make me behave like a member of the high society.”

Johnny was pretty sure that wasn’t it, but he could not say what was, so he remained silent. Ruslan had no reason to lie about such things.

“Where was I?” Ruslan seemed to ponder. “Ah, yes. You told me how fucked up you are, and now it’s my turn. I grew up in an orphanage with Yanis. So, as you can see, you’re luckier than me. I’ve never seen my mom or dad, and frankly, at this point, I don’t know how much I care. Anyways, when we were sixteen, we ran away, idiots with their heads full of how they would take over the world. Well, it was that, or they would have kicked us out anyway, at one point. It was no life, living there, I can tell you.”

“That must have been tough.” Johnny was the one to embrace Ruslan now.

“Well, I guess.” Ruslan sighed. “But I’m not here to tell you stories and try to squeeze tears out of you. I want to let you know that I’m not this fancy rich dude you think I am. I’m just an ex-hooker. And not even the fancy kind.” He laughed humorlessly.

“You had to eat, put a roof over your head.” Johnny pulled him closer. “Just so you know, pretty, I don’t care about that at all. People everywhere do things to survive.”

Ruslan was trying to put on a brave face, but Johnny could sense what was happening inside that beautiful head right at that moment. And he felt angered at the world and a bit helpless because if that was Ruslan’s past, he could do nothing about it.

Ruslan started talking again. “Wait, let me tell you. I guess it’s been too long. I owe you this much. There were these guys who grabbed Yanis and me one night. You see, being a sex worker was not exactly my first career choice,” he said with a forced smile. “Sure, Yanis and I were fucking, but that was all. We were also pickpocketing and doing other things together. So these guys grabbed us, told us we were shoplifting on their turf. To make things clear, first, they beat us bloody. More Yanis, less me. I can’t really take a punch. And they had this idea after. That Yanis should steal for them, and I should sell my ass.”

Johnny held Ruslan close. “If you still know where those assholes live, just let me know.”

He hadn’t been so conflicted in his entire life. On the one hand, he felt Ruslan so close after all these confessions of suffering and misery. After all, he wasn’t the only one with a fucked up life. But, on the other, he felt a physical need to strangle someone. Yet he had to turn that in what he felt for Ruslan into hugging him and keeping him close.

“Don’t worry. I think papa took care of them a long time ago. I don’t know what happened, and frankly, I’m afraid to ask too often. Maybe my papa is like Francis Davenport, after all.”

“I don’t think so, pretty. Your dad is a good guy. He has to be because he took care of you and he still does.”

“The thing is I don’t want your pity, Johnny.” Ruslan looked up, so their eyes could meet. “While I was selling my ass, I came to enjoy it. Like really badly. Like I couldn’t have enough. There were nights when I was turning tricks so fast … but I don’t want to make you feel repulsed with me.”

“I can’t feel like that toward you.” Johnny grabbed Ruslan’s head and looked him in the eyes. “You did what you had to.”

“And you don’t care that I enjoyed it?” Ruslan’s eyes were deep pools of sorrow.

“It would have been worse if you hadn’t. You survived, Ruslan. And that’s all that matters, pretty.”

“It does, doesn’t it? But do you know what else matters, Johnny?”

He had no idea how to reply to that. Ruslan seemed suddenly older, wiser, not in how he looked, but in how his eyes were. And Johnny knew right then that he had read the pretty man all wrong. And he had read himself all wrong. His mom wasn’t right. He wasn’t looking for some glitzy life, without worries. He wanted someone who could understand him, and that someone had to be like him.

Johnny knew he must have been blind not to see it.

“What else?” he asked, his voice a bit low and quiet.

“What matters is to have someone to hold you. So let me be that one, Johnny, okay? Let me be the one to hold you this time around.”

When had it been the last time someone held him? For years, he had done nothing else but train day after day, week after week. Between paying off debts and looking out after his mom, he had barely had time for a quick fuck, and a few moments to forget. But none of those men had held him, definitely not like Ruslan was holding him right now.

Johnny caressed Ruslan’s cheeks with his thumbs, staring into the deep blue eyes that were sometimes with him when he went to sleep. Maybe he was getting a bit crazy, thinking he deserved this. Ruslan. A chance at life.

“I can tell you’re thinking of something,” Ruslan said. “I don’t know what that is, and, honestly, it scares me a little.” He laughed as if he was trying to hide how serious he was about all that.

“I think that I don’t deserve you,” Johnny said simply.

“Seriously? You don’t deserve me, someone who used to sell himself to whoever had a few bills and a hard cock? I should be glad that you’re not holding yourself to high standards, yet I shouldn’t. I want what’s best for you, Johnny, but I also want you, so between my selfishness and --”

“Hush, pretty,” Johnny said softly. “I’ve done plenty in my life, things I can’t be proud of, things that still make me feel ashamed and keep me up at night. So stop talking, and tell me why you’re really here.”

“Isn’t it obvious? I’m here to take you home with me.”

Johnny sighed.

Ruslan glared. “Don’t you dare to make me beg.”

“Or else what?” Johnny thought it safe to joke.

“Or else I’ll tickle you until you piss your pants!” Ruslan launched himself into a sudden attack, going for Johnny’s sides.

Johnny laughed, and in an instant, he had Ruslan in a deadlock, arms pushed back and held flush against the ribs.

“You fail.” He smiled and stuck out his tongue.

One thing he hadn’t calculated. Ruslan easily reached for his tongue and bit it, not very hard, but enough to make him yelp.

“Ouch! That’s not nice, pretty. I thought your papa taught you better. And no biting in the ring. Don’t tell me you don’t know even that.”

“There are no rules in self-defense. You taught me that,” Ruslan replied.

“Oh, so you’re acting in self-defense now?”

“Of course I am. You’re stronger than me, and you’re holding me like this. So nothing is off the table.”

“Oh, shit. Does this mean that I should worry for my balls once I let you off the hook?”

“Maybe you should, but not for the reasons you think. I want to do stuff to your balls as you’ve never had anyone do to them.”

Johnny grinned. “Now you’re making me curious.”

“You’re right to be, so let me go already.”

“I still have a feeling you’re playing me.”

“What could I do against someone like you?” Ruslan was looking way too innocent for Johnny to believe him.

“I don’t want to find what,” Johnny teased in turn.

But he could not hold Ruslan at arm’s length for long. So he pulled him into a tight embrace.

“Are you sure you’re not making a mistake?”

Ruslan snickered. “What? Chasing you down? Johnny, you’re a keeper.”

“That’s what you are.” Johnny caressed the tight shoulders slowly. “Are you cold? You’re trembling a little.”

“It will go away,” Ruslan said. “I wasn’t expecting to get into such an emotional upheaval with you, yet here we are. That was one hell of a confession, Johnny. About your past life.”

“I should say the same thing. So you weren’t at some fancy boarding school?”

“Sorry if you had fantasies about meeting some innocent young man just out of boarding school.” Ruslan giggled and buried his face in Johnny’s chest.

“Actually I’m relieved. I might even chew loudly at the table.”

Ruslan glared. “Seriously? I might want to put you in papa’s care for a while. You won’t remember how it was to chew loudly in your life.”

“Scary.” Johnny feigned a shiver. “Ah, that explains that fucker Yanis. I could not understand, for the love of all that’s holy, how you could be friends with that guy.”

“I’d tell you Yanis is not that bad, but I know that the feeling is mutual,” Ruslan said with a sigh. “You two should get along. He’s my best friend, and you’re my boyfriend.”

“How come your papa only adopted you? Did he take one good look at that fucker and thought he was too much work?”

“Actually, no. Looking back, it was pretty ridiculous. Yanis thought papa wanted us for some perverted stuff which was simply untrue. He was so scared he would find himself with a hard cock in his ass that he decided not to stay. Yanis ran away, but I found him later, and I included him in some business so that I could repay him for taking care of me before I met papa. Just recently I learned from papa that, through Martin, he gave Yanis some money so that he would not end up on the streets again. Oh, damn, that’s kind of a secret. Just don’t tell Yanis, please.”

“I don’t see myself talking to that guy at all, let alone share secrets with him. So what’s Yanis doing?”

“Well, he is sort of involved in protection services and the like.”

“Ah, he beats up people.”

“I wouldn’t put it exactly this way,” Ruslan said with a small smile. “He has a life. And it’s in a way, the one he chose, as much of a choice that can be called. I wished he would have stayed with papa and me, but that’s Yanis. He needs to know that he got through by his own means or it wouldn’t matter. Kind of like you.”

“Hey, don’t put me in the same boat with that fucker,” Johnny protested.

“Well, as my boyfriend, you’ll end up spending some time with Yanis, too. So don’t be so thorny about it all. For my sake if for no other reason.”

“For you, I’ll try,” Johnny said with an exaggerated sigh. “So he took care of you, you say? How come he let those fuckers force you into selling your ass?”

“He didn’t. So they beat him again, and I couldn’t stand it, and I told those guys that I would do anything, just to stop beating him. And he was constantly thinking of ways to escape. Together. We were held in a basement of some kind when we weren’t ‘working’. That until papa found us.”

“How come some rich dude like your papa found the two of you and saved you? I mean, it’s pretty strange if you think about it,” Johnny added.

“I know it is. But papa is tight-lipped when it comes to talking about such things. All I know is that one night, there was a huge scandal and the police came and grabbed us all. It wasn’t just Yanis and me in that basement. They had many people, some who were begging in the streets at day, some who were doing what Yanis and I were doing at night. And we were scared shitless, and then Martin practically grabbed the two of us and shoved us into a car, and we found ourselves taken to papa, to his house. We had no idea what was happening. But when I saw papa, I know it sounds stupid, but I felt like I was safe. Not Yanis, though. He kicked and screamed like a savage. I have no idea how Martin could be so calm.”

“I bet a shmuck like Yanis was easy for Martin. Seriously, pretty, your daddy number two is built like a brick shithouse. How come you’ve never told me how ripped your dads are?”

Ruslan laughed. “I let it be a surprise. They may be old, but they’re tough. Yanis went on and on about how the old man was some pervert and wanted to fuck us, but I knew it wasn’t true. And, well, I knew it because I offered and I was turned down. You see, Johnny? I was already pretty much fucked up when papa saved me.”

“Hey, you’re not allowed to say you are fucked up because I am, too. So, after that, your dad started teaching you about forks and all that?”

“I was home-schooled, yes. I had tutors, and I learned to become an accountant. I even took some special classes later. I also un-learned all kinds of bad habits, except for one.”

Johnny waited for Ruslan to continue. The blue eyes were filled with sadness again. He hated that look. It was hollow, and it made him feel empty on the inside, too.

“I could not stop fucking men. I mean, letting myself fucked by them. When I found Yanis again, I left for days only so that I could spend them fucking. Papa was worried and told me that he wouldn’t stop me, as long as I was safe. So, you know, it was good to be understood, even if I could not understand myself.”

“There are worse things than fucking dudes,” Johnny said through his teeth.

“Not like I was doing it. I was reckless. And I was always sorry after. And papa always took me back, or brought me back, depending on the case. Eventually, when I saw how sad I was making him, I started playing safe. Using the rubber, getting checked regularly, all that. But I could not give up on men and fucking until I could not stand.”

“Does your dad have anything against you being into dudes?” Johnny questioned.

“No, nothing like that. Can you believe that he tried to hook me up with Nigel because he thought that guy would marry me or something?”

“Seriously?” Johnny ground his teeth.

“Well, he was trying to hint at it, but it was clear that he was trying to tell me that I should settle down.”

“Does your dad want to see you married? To a guy?” Johnny asked, feeling his heart in his throat for some reason.

“I guess so.” Ruslan shrugged. “He wants someone to take care of me. He is a bit obsessed with this. It’s like he doesn’t believe that I can take care of myself.”

“Your dad might be true,” Johnny pointed out.

“Not you too, please,” Ruslan begged, but he was smiling. “This Nigel incident affected you, guys. But I guess I can put myself in papa’s shoes a little. And he’s right, in a way.”

“Your dad told me to look after you,” Johnny said simply.

Ruslan’s eyes grew wide. “Ah, this was all he wanted to talk about, right? After that dinner?”

“Yes. And I told him that he didn’t have to tell me that because I’d look after you, anyway.”

“So you’re bound to me!” Ruslan looked genuinely happy. “Johnny, you’re not allowed to run away from me anymore. Papa will find you, and he surely has the means to make you keep your promise.”

“Are you threatening me with what your dad could do to me?” Johnny laughed out loud. “What could he do?”

“Maybe put Martin to beat the hell out of you,” Ruslan said, pretending to be pissed.

“That I should fear, indeed. Then it’s settled, pretty. For as long as you need me, I’ll look after you.”

“Are you serious?” Ruslan looked into Johnny’s eyes like he was trying to reach inside the his soul. “No more running away?”

“No more,” Johnny promised solemnly. “Now that I know how helpless you are --”

Ruslan punched him in the shoulder. “Hey, I’m not that helpless!”

“There’s also your constant need for cock, and I have plenty of that.” Johnny took one step back and grabbed his manhood through his shorts.

By the hooded look Ruslan threw him, he knew both wanted the same thing. It had been so little since they had been in bed together, and yet, right now, they could only think about screwing each other’s brains.

“Let’s get home,” Ruslan said, pursing his lips.

“What, aren’t you going to jump my bones, pretty?” Johnny grinned.

“You pissed me off by running away. Now you’ll have to wait until we get home.”

“And I thought you had a thing for men and their dicks. It looks to me like you’re a master of restraint or something.”

“Just you wait until we’re home,” Ruslan said through his teeth. “I’ll show you restraint then.”

***

Ruslan was true to his word. They were barely through the door that he attacked Johnny, pushing him against the wall and kissing him roughly. Anyone looking at Ruslan would have thought the guy to be some prissy delicate prince like Johnny had thought before. But Ruslan was right about how much he wanted cock. And going wild like that made Johnny feel that he had scored the deal of his life when he had met Ruslan.

He was willing to let the other guide him this time. Although he could feel his balls hurting from having to endure the taxi ride while still hard and thinking of nothing but how to sink into Ruslan’s beautiful body, he knew that he was in the dog pen this time around. And it felt good to let his boyfriend in charge for a change.

Boyfriend. The word had a nice ring to it. It was a bit childish like they were still in high school, but Johnny had never had a boyfriend during his teenage years. He had never had a boyfriend, period. The guys he had fucked in his life had been only that: men who had been there just for a quick fuck and nothing else.

Ruslan gestured for him to lie on the bed, as soon as they were in the bedroom. He obeyed without a word but grunted as soon as one of his wrists was grabbed and attached to the headboard with a silky scarf.

“Did you prepare for this?” Johnny examined Ruslan who seemed bent on his task.

“Not really, which is why I need to find another thing to tie your other wrist,” Ruslan said matter-of-factly. “You need some discipline in your life, Johnny. Don’t you dare to untie yourself while I find a suitable item for that.”

“Should I be scared?” Johnny joked but made no move to untie his wrist.

“A little. Maybe.” Ruslan’s eyes shone with mischievousness.

“Okay. I lived through bouts when I thought I wouldn’t be able to walk, let alone stand up. I think I can handle you.”

“Hmm, famous last words,” Ruslan purred.

For a couple of minutes, Ruslan rummaged through his closet until he came back with another scarf which he used to secure Johnny’s other wrist to the headboard. He stood back for a moment, to admire his handiwork.

There was no way of telling what Ruslan had in store for him. The possibilities were making his cock twitch; Johnny could feel it. Ruslan was quick to straddle him and sink his tongue deep into Johnny’s mouth.

By force of habit, Johnny tried to move one arm to embrace Ruslan and get in control of that wild kiss. But it was in vain, as, apparently, Ruslan knew a few things about tying a knot.

To his frustration, Ruslan straightened up, and grabbed his chin with one hand, looking at him from above. At the same time, he was pressing his gorgeous ass down on Johnny’s erection.

It felt good, but it was not enough. Johnny moved his hips up, hoping he could get more out of that.

“Easy,” Ruslan cooed. “I could try tying your legs, too. So, Johnny, promise you’ll behave.”

“I promise,” he said.

Ruslan patted his cheek. “Good.”

And then he moved away. Johnny stared after him and tried his restraints once more. Those were pretty damned good knots. Maybe if he put all his strength, he could get away, but that meant ruining Ruslan’s fun, and Johnny didn’t want to do that.

The only option was for him to wait patiently, and, unfortunately, that particular moment, he was far from being patient. Especially his cock wasn’t willing to wait too long. But it wasn’t after him or his cock this time.

Ruslan began undressing. His hands were quick as they unbuttoned the crisp shirt, not lingering, not putting on a show. In a way, he moved too brusquely, but Johnny knew what that was all about. There was something a bit frightening in how Ruslan was so serious about all this; about them being together.

Johnny wanted Ruslan to bring it on, to show everything he felt, as he felt it. He trusted his lover to do that.

Ruslan moved toward the bed, completely naked. With sure moves, he pulled Johnny’s pants down, along with his underwear. Johnny inhaled. The idea of being vulnerable, even if those restraints were a joke if he put his mind to release himself, was exciting in a way that was new and surprising.

“Glad you’re standing up to attention,” Ruslan noted, as he looked down at Johnny’s cock.

“For you? Always.”

“Hmm.”

Ruslan bent and grabbed his cock with one hand. For a few seconds, he stared at it, like he couldn’t decide what to do with it. And then, he went down quickly, and Johnny almost shouted as Ruslan’s hot tongue gave his cock a long firm lick.

“I remember I promised something,” Ruslan said with a small chuckle.

Johnny had no courage to ask what. Ruslan adjusted his position so that he could reach Johnny’s balls from a more comfortable angle. He could feel the long fingers wrapping around close to his cock, separating the balls, making them swell.

The hot tongue returned, and this time, he inhaled sharply.

“Fuck,” Johnny whispered.

Ruslan’s breath was on him, on his cock, while his tongue was doing some sort of crazy dance, pressing against the tight balls a bit recklessly. Johnny could almost sense teeth scraping over the surface, not enough to hurt, but enough to make him wary.

It wasn’t like he didn’t trust Ruslan, but his instincts, the same that kept him alive day after day, were reacting. His body wanted to feel more, but his gut was still trying to push him to run.

He could almost tell what it felt like. As a child, he had tried to walk on a tight rope hung between two poles, in the schoolyard. The rope dipping in slightly under his soles had given him a sudden thrill. This was like that.

“Are you trying to scare me there?” Johnny asked, trying to hide the tension in his voice.

“Do you still not trust me?”

“I do, but --”

“You’re so hard, Johnny,” Ruslan said, interrupting him. “Just know this. I’d never do anything to hurt you, even if it were in my power. Take it as it is.”

Johnny closed his eyes and gave in to the sensation. Ruslan’s mouth was slowly swallowing one ball, then the other, giving licks and kisses in between.

“You see? There are perks to fucking a former hooker,” Ruslan said softly.

Johnny could feel his arms tightening as he struggled to keep in position.

“That time,” he whispered, “when I said --”

“Hush,” Ruslan shut him up, “you couldn’t have known.”

He wanted to say something, maybe sorry, but he couldn’t. Ruslan’s mouth was back on him, and this time he took his cock deep, down to the hilt. Johnny could tell he could now feel everything with clarity so sharp that it made all his skin tingle as if the air buzzed with electricity.

If Ruslan wanted to prove he was one in a million, that was one hell of a piece of evidence. It wasn’t like him to let himself manipulated like that, but this was Ruslan, and he could do it. Johnny owed it to him.

If it wasn’t only that, it just proved how lucky he was. Johnny had never believed in bullcrap like soul mates and such. He had never believed in fairytales, or that some people were just destined to be together.

But this wasn’t some fairytale or romantic story. They were two fucked up men, carrying their scars, making their way through life, with everything they got, with teeth, and fists, and all the bones and muscles in their bodies.

They had met because they drew each other. And, maybe, even if they had been each on the other side of the world, this incredible pull would have brought them together because it was impossible to be any other way.

Johnny closed his eyes tightly. Ruslan was sucking his cock, not gently, not with measure, but with a kind of carelessness that was scary and thrilling. Never before had anyone sucked him off like this, like a mad man whose life depended on getting Johnny off.

“Fuck, I’m coming, pretty, I’m gonna fill your fucking beautiful mouth!”

Ruslan took him impossibly deep as he began shooting. His arms were hurting, the silky wraps were digging into his wrists, but Johnny could not care if both his hands fell off, or were ripped from his body.

Their harsh breathing was filling the room. Ruslan’s eyes were moist as they stared at each other. Johnny said nothing and just noted, as if he was far away, out of his body, how Ruslan moved to untie him.

Ruslan’s pleasant body scent tickled his nostrils. He leaned into the other, wanting a taste. Ruslan snickered as Johnny licked his neck, and with that, the strangeness of whatever had just happened broke.

“Come here,” Johnny said roughly and pulled Ruslan into his arms.

They rolled on the bed, and he trapped Ruslan under him. For long seconds, they looked at each other, without a word.

“I am here, Johnny. What are you going to do?” Ruslan challenged him.

Johnny crossed the small distance between their lips and kissed his lover. Nothing had ever felt as right.

TBC

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