It was a cool spring day, with a winter chill clinging in the air. Oliver was sitting at a bistro table on the sidewalk at Leon's Coffee since all the tables inside were taken. Dressed in a v-neck steel gray sweater he was comfortable and the coffee made it even better. He'd been waiting a while for Jane was late. She was one of Toby's best friends and like Toby worked at the university where she taught biology. After the way things got messed up a week ago he wasn't surprised to hear from her; he was glad she called. As he waited he played the events of the past two weeks over and over in his mind trying to come to grips with his feelings. He didn't think of himself as gay, not even bi-sexual really, but he couldn't stop thinking about Toby. What was it about this one particular person who made him reconsider what it meant to feel love toward someone; to desire them no matter who they were or what sex? He was so torn.

The weekend they had gone back to his place had been wonderful. He'd never felt so intertwined with someone. They spent the entire weekend holed up in his apartment, barely dressing in the morning and having sex all the time. The way Toby had let him come up behind him in the shower, entering him slowly, then their bodies moving together until he came, on the sofa they had lain naked for hours feeling one another, sucking, fucking, recovering and in the evening on the bed they spent hours exploring each other while Oliver gave himself to Toby, letting Toby enter him until neither could take it any longer.

And it was so good, he never really questioned it, never really thought about where it could go, just enjoying the moment. When Toby had left on Sunday evening, he felt himself miss him as soon as the door closed and that night he had laid awake most of it letting all those questions rise up to the surface. The next week found each of them busy with work but they managed to get together for dinner on Wednesday and Thursday. The next weekend Oliver went to Toby's place and like the weekend prior, they settled into an intimacy that would consume them. But the thing that surfaced in Oliver's mind that Saturday was how no one knew about them, not Richard, or Marc, or Jane, nor Brandon and Julio knew. It felt so perfect, but the bubble of isolation was too fragile and Oliver didn't know how to deal with it. Then he did what he told Toby he would not do: he freaked out.

It was Saturday and they had decided to go walk around the park. They had walked the twelve blocks to its location, grabbing lunch on the way, and began to meander around on the paths through the open grass fields and the wooded sections. They had been there over an hour when Toby, in a very natural gesture, leaned over and kissed Oliver, and Oliver had kissed him back.

"What the fuck?" Oliver had heard the familiar voice. One of his buddies was walking his dog and saw them.

"Bill!" Oliver had replied, unable to say anything further.

"You're a fag?! Goddamn." Bill's tone was harsh as he pulled his dog to follow, walking off. Oliver was hurt. Toby saw it immediately and tried to tell him Bill was just over reacting to the surprise and his comment was inappropriate, but all that was logical, reasoning through the encounter, and that was not registering with Oliver. He made Toby leave the park and they went back to Toby's place and sat for a while not really talking. Oliver stared out the window watching people in their apartments move about, going on with their daily lives. Confused, hurt and not wanting to be around anyone, even Toby, Oliver left, telling Toby he would call later. It was Sunday night before he had called Toby, telling him he couldn't do this, it wasn't who he was and while crying through it all, told him he did care for him very much, but it was a relationship he couldn't fit into.

So for the next week he was miserable. Word quickly spread to all the guys, even Richard who had shown up at his door on Monday evening. Richard was visibly upset with Oliver but Oliver couldn't figure out if it was about him and Toby or if it was not telling him personally. Richard told him he needed to be more honest with his friends, and after a long hesitation told him he needed to be honest with himself, whereupon he left.

So here he sat on another Saturday afternoon, stomach in knots, frustrated and feeling exhausted. He'd not slept well all week. He was staring down the sidewalk lost in thought when he realized the person coming straight at him was Jane. She was bundled up in a jacket far heavier than Oliver thought necessary but he remembered she was from the southwest and hated the cold. He stood as she neared the table.


"Oliver, thanks for meeting me, sorry I'm late. I got held up by a phone call from my mother."

"It's ok; sitting here has been pleasant" in a tone so flat she knew he was being nice. As she sat a waiter came and took her order. She settled in her chair as they appraised each other.

"You look beautiful today."

"I wish I could say the same about you; you look like shit."

Oliver gave a heartless laugh and leaned forward in his chair closing the distance between them.

"I know you want to talk about Toby; I do too. So let's talk."

"Oliver, I know you must be confused by your feelings, but remember we don't always choose the type of person we love. You just have to ask yourself if you care about Toby enough to move past this notion of what kind of life you think you should be living, move past the labels of straight, gay and probably even bi-sexual. From what Toby has said, I don't think you are really sexually attracted to any other man, but there is something about Toby...and you, that has made a connection."

Their conversation continued for an hour, with Oliver expressing his doubts, his frustrations and how his friends seem to be reacting, and Jane telling him how it is a confusing subject; humanities attractions, its sexuality and how society, and worse our religions generally have a very narrow view of it all. After a while Jane could sense Oliver relaxing, leaning back in his chair. She smiled at him and he for the first time in days smiled back.

"Thanks Jane. How's Toby doing?"

"Like you; not sleeping, frustrated at the situation and confused on what to do; if he should do anything."

Oliver only nodded he understood.

"Listen Oliver, I have to run, but I didn't want to come here to berate you and hopefully our talk has shown you I do care for you and hope we can be friends. I think you have some things to work out, and although I know how I would like them to..." hesitating with a small smile "it is something you have to decide on."

"Jane...I know. Thanks for everything. It's helped, really it has. I'll call Toby this evening."

"Good. One way or the other, you guys need closure."

Jane gave him a gesture of farewell and headed back up the sidewalk. Oliver sat for a while longer thinking of what Jane had said and realizing it was all stuff he already knew; he just needed to hear it from someone else. He got up and headed from home. His thoughts about Toby were jumbled up. Could he say goodbye to him, let him go, move on? Could he do the opposite; continue to see Toby, go out together as a couple, maybe day in the future....could he really live with Toby or...

He turned the corner onto busy 22nd and as he approached the little bookstore he decided to drop in. He had not gotten very far when he ran into Teresa.

"Oliver! It is good to see you." She exclaimed when she saw him.

"Really? I thought you wouldn't want anything to do with me" he replied in a low flat voice.

"Don't be silly. Look I know....well it isn't important. Richard...Richard?! Look who came wondering in" she said toward the back of the store.

Oliver's stomach tightened up in a knot as Richard came walking up from the rear.

"Oliver, it is good to see you."


Richard shook his head, smiled slightly and came up to Oliver and hugged him.

"Look about the other day, I was a little tough, but it was...well you kept this...secret and I thought you trusted me."

"I do! But it isn't really some secret to be kept and..." and so Oliver told them standing in the little bookshop about how he felt about Toby, and it was only Toby he felt this way about. Not other guys, not even other women. Teresa seemed to understand exactly what Oliver was saying and Richard eventually said he didn't care how he labeled it or who he eventually chose to see. They finally agreed to have dinner together and left to go back to their own apartments.

They met at a small neighborhood Italian restaurant. Oliver felt better than he had all week and actually enjoyed being out with Richard and Teresa. He had called Toby before he left and got his voice mail where he left a stammering rambling message and told him he'd call later. After dinner Richard and Teresa headed home. He decided to walk home in lieu of a taxi and took off. He walked for blocks before changing his mind. He decided he wasn't ready to go home. He turned and went in another direction.

Toby had been with Brandon, Julio, Marc and several other guys at a fundraiser. He had tried to beg off but Brandon insisted he get up and out. He felt like his life was on hold, like everything was frozen in place, waiting on something to break. He could not stop thinking of Oliver and he knew it was probably a hopeless situation. Oliver wasn't gay and whatever there was between them could not possibly overcome all the outside pressures Oliver must be feeling. Jane had called before he left and confessed to her meeting with Oliver and how Oliver seemed not to know how to feel but he definitely had strong feelings for Toby. He should just give Oliver some time and maybe he would come around. It was too much to hope for and he knew it. Brandon and Julio at first were so shocked about not knowing for over a week they had been seeing each other without telling they didn't know what to think but it was Julio who seemed to understand the situation. Toby went through the evening reminding himself of protocol, of paying attention to people when they were talking to him and not letting his mind wander. When the fundraiser was winding down Toby made his excuses and slipped out the exit and headed home. He arrived at his building about midnight and it was very quiet with no one stirring around at the time. He made his way inside and after the elevator ride up to his floor made his way to his apartment. He was fumbling in his pants for his keys and lost in thought so he didn't see that someone had been sitting at his door and was now getting up. He looked up to see Oliver standing there. He was smiling weakly, with that little boy looked he had every time he expected a negative response.

"Oliver, I'm surprised..." and he didn't know how to finish.

"Toby, look...can we talk inside?"

"Yes of course" and Toby opened up his door and let Oliver in. Oliver went over to the sofa but didn't sit down; instead he was hovering around the room.

"Can I get you a drink?" Toby asked wanting to delay what appeared to be a looming unpleasant conversation.

"No, I'm wait, yes, can I get Bourbon?"

"Of course; coming right up. I think I'll have one too."

Once they had their drinks and Toby was seated waiting for Oliver to speak. It was a moment, with tension thick between them.

Then Oliver began to talk, non-stop for several minutes, about how he fucked up, how he didn't understand any of it and after this past week realized he didn't give a shit, and all this labeling was just confusing but when he stopped thinking about it and just went with his heart he...and he hesitated. Then quietly, in a somber tone, nervously continuing he told Toby how he felt something toward Toby; something he didn't know how to express. May be it was love...he didn't know; didn't know if he had ever felt love before.

When he wound down, Oliver walked to the window and stared out not saying anything for a while, waiting to see how Toby would respond.

"Are you going to say anything? I you want me to leave now?"

Toby got up from the sofa and moved toward Oliver. "Of course not" was all he said when Oliver turned to him.

"I'm sorry" was all Oliver said when he closed the gap between them and kissed Toby, passionately, harder than he had ever done so before. He grabbed Toby by the waist and pushed up against him feeling their warmth penetrate their clothing and touch each other. Toby hugged him close, feeling him relax in his arms. Oliver then moved back unbuttoning Toby's shirt, quickly working the buttons loose until he couldn't stand it any longer and he pull the two sides open, popping the final buttons off and pushed it over his shoulders and let it drop to the floor. He dropped to his knees and rubbed Toby erection through his pants, feeling it harden up more, stretch out completely to the side. He leaned forward and mouthed it through the fabric as he felt Toby's hands run through his hair. Leaning back he worked Toby's pants open and pulled pants and briefs to his ankles. Taking Toby in hand he licked the head of his wet cock, tasting him, and then he slid his mouth over the head and down the shaft as far as he could go. Holding still for a moment he let the feel of Toby's cock in his mouth make a mark in his memory. As Toby's hand moved to hold his head in place, he felt him begin to work his cock back and forth through his mouth. He added to the sensation by moving with Toby, taking his cock as deeply as he could. He worked Toby's cock until he could tell Toby was getting close, then he pulled off, stood up and pushed Toby slowly over to the sofa, his feet still tangled in his pants. He turned him around and pushed him over the back, and worked his hands over his ass, his fingers down the cleft of his cheeks until he was probing his opening, then pushing in, one finger, then two and finally three fingers opening up Toby who was moaning, pushing back on his fingers, letting Oliver know he was opened up to him. Oliver stood up and undid his pants, quickly, frantically, pushing them down to his ankles and he moved up to Toby and pushed in. Slowly he sank in pushing in all the way then he began to fuck, to pull back and push in, again and again until his pace had his cock slamming up Toby.

"Fuck....harder" was all Toby said as Oliver held on to his hips and hammered his cock into Toby as hard as he could, filling the room with the slapping sounds of their bodies coming together. When he felt he was getting close, Oliver pulled out and stood for a moment catching his breath.

"Sit down on the sofa" he told Toby, who quickly sat down not knowing what Oliver had in mind but when Oliver came up to him and still facing him, climbed up over him on the sofa he knew. Oliver took Toby's cock in his hand and held it up as he eased his own ass down on to it, pushing down, slowly, until the head pushed in, then slowly the shaft disappeared into him. When he was seated all the way down, Toby's cock buried in his ass, he took his own cock and gave it a couple of strokes. It was very wet around the head.

Oliver rose up and back down, working his ass over Toby's cock, picking up speed as his ass opened up for the penetration. He wanted to feel Toby in him, to take him all the way. His cock bounced up and down, hard and wet, as he rode Toby's cock. He worked himself on Toby until sweat was showing through his shirt. Toby took it by the waist band and pulled it over his head, then took him in his arms and rolled him over on to the sofa as he shifted on top of him. He plunged his cock back into Oliver, working it back and forth, feeling the inner heat of Oliver on his cock. He couldn't hold out much longer and began to pump his cock harder and harder.

"Come on me" Oliver whispered.

Toby pushed hard one more time and came, then he pumped slowly a few times feeling his cock pump out his load deep into Oliver. Breathing hard, spent, he pulled out and rolled off Oliver and on to the floor and got on his knees. He took Oliver in his mouth, slowly, feeling how close Oliver was to coming, he sank down all the way, then slowly back up, sucking hard. He worked his mouth over Oliver several more times, picking up speed as he went until Oliver was pushing upward, then fucking his mouth, urgent to come. Toby held Oliver in his mouth as he fisted the shaft, sucking on the head until Oliver grunted, pushed upward hard and came. Toby sucked down Oliver's load, taking it all, swallowing.

When Toby got up, Oliver rolled up on his feet and took Toby's hand as he led him through his bedroom and into his bath. The showered together, bathed each other slowly, hands on flesh, renewing the feel of each other. They kissed as they rinsed, feeling the water cool.

In bed, they simply kissed and stroked each other's back until Oliver then Toby fell asleep. It was a sound sleep and it was not till just before dawn that each stirred, barely waking, they began to kiss and run hands over each other, rubbing their warm skin, feeling each other's heat. Toby rolled on his stomach.

"Oliver, put it in me" Toby whispered as Oliver pulled the sheets back and moved over him. He was soon back inside him, fucking himself deep into Toby. He pulled Toby on to his side and he worked his cock into him. Reaching around he took Toby in his hand and stroked his cock in rhythm to his fuck, going faster and faster until they both were breathing hard.

"Fuck...fuck me, Oliver" Toby grunted as Oliver worked him over, pumping his cock into Toby from behind as he stroked Toby's cock.

"Oh shit, I'm going to cum" Oliver grunted out as his hips thrust harder and harder for a few strokes deep into Toby. When he pulled out he pushed Toby on his back and moved down and took him in his mouth, sucking hard as he worked three fingers in his fucked open hole. He felt Toby push his hips down on his fingers, then he shoved up in his mouth and came. Oliver sucked his load out and swallowed.

Once again spent, both of them spoon up together, Oliver holding tight to Toby, and fell asleep again.

When the sun rose above the horizon and shined in through the open blinds of Toby's bedroom, neither stirred for another two hours. They began the day at their own leisure, on their own terms.



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